EmmaSoul: It's too tough...

[EmmaSoul]

Hello, Everyone!

 

First of all, I would want to apologise for my English because it is not my native language.

Second, I have been coming here and reading stories and suggestions for a some time. While it made me calmer in a way that i'm not the only one suffering, it made me more stressed realising what i have done wrong and what's coming.

 

My depression and anxiety started when i was about 19-20. I believe i was very suppresed by my family, i couldn't express who i am, my feelings, my opinion. Anyway... it is not smart to diagnose your self but at one moment i realised what is actually happening with me and went to psychiatrist. After a a week of using Sertraline and Fluanxol i felt like a new person. I started to go out, meet friends, found a job. It's actually funny how you can go from 0 to 100, from thinking about suicide, to appreciating the sunshine. I told my mother that i'm using pills for depression and anxiaty and she was laughing, telling me i'm acting sick and i just want everyone to feel sorry for me.

 

After about 2-3 months i moved out and it got out of control and every year it got crazier and more sad. I did not feel, i did not care. i cried only when i was drunk, i felt lonely, but i chose alcohol over everyone, i overdosed sleeping pills with alcohol almost every night, then i woke up and took some more because i was tired of my life and wanted sleep.

 

I knew i hurt my soul i knew i'm not this cruel, unemotional, lost girl and maybe that is why i attract good people who try to help me. I stopped using sleeping pills and till this day i'm not sure if i had a withdrawal or just my regular pills got too weak for me. I got my first panic attacks, i learned that i can't drink strong liquids anymore so i used only wine with heart drops next morning lol.

 

January 2019 i was pushed by my bf to quit pills so i did it cold turkey and after 1 month I went to hospital with crazy chest pain and headache. I had optic neuritis for the second time and of course withdrawal. They checked me for Multiple Sclerosis and when checked out prescribed me horse dosage of steroid pills. i went out of hospital feeling 10x worse then checking in. And next 7 days were literal hell for me because of these steroids. It was so bad that i was afraid to go to sleep. Middle of the night panic attacks so strong i pissed my boyfriends bedroom floor, but i mean that's what you get when you push someone to quit cold turkey lol... (Eventually we broke up but not because of the floor.)

 

I started to use Sertraline and Fluanxol again after hospital and tapered how i thought i should do. My new boyfriend was very supportive, even cutting pills for me. In June 2020 i had to cut off alcohol, in August i felt worse and i took full dose for few times until i felt like Dementors are sucking my soul out and i called ambulance. From that unfortunate day i was scared to take my pills. I went to psychiatrist who told me i should just quit and survive through withdrawal which will be aprox 4-6 weeks (Yeah right). To be honest i can't believe a person, a psychiatrist dedicating all his life in this field can be so delusional and so uneducated and lie. 

I have had a lot of withdrawal symptoms since then, a lot i have read about here and to be honest its been almost 6 months without anything and i feel worse and worse and what really frightens me is not knowing when it will end because now i'm not living, i'm existing.

 

My life has changed to 180. i was independent, i was not afraid and now i am this hopeless, miserable little piece of ... you know in order to to clean your room you need to make more mess. This is how i feel now.

 

Symptoms which worries me is my heart mostly. I can't deal with it and my left arm hurting every day. Everyone is telling me its stress, but it does not calm me down.

Also i'm getting more and more sensitive foodwise and i feel like i felt better being pescitarian then now when i eat meat.

Everything triggers my anxiety more and more.

I feel more afraid and weak every day.

 

It's too tough...

[manymoretodays]

Mod Note:  Drug identification

 

fluanxol-

FLUANXOL^®

(flu-ANK-sol); Fluanxol^® Depot 20 mg/mL; Fluanxol^® Concentrated Depot 100 mg/mL

Flupentixol decanoate (flu-PEN-tic-sol deck-can-OH-ate)

 

Flupentixol, also known as flupenthixol, marketed under brand names such as Depixol and Fluanxol is a typical antipsychotic drug of the thioxanthene class. It was introduced in 1965 by Lundbeck. Wikipedia

 

 

kventiax-

KVENTIAX

quetiapine (N05AH04)

Also known as: Seroquel

Edited February 5, 2021 by manymoretodays

[manymoretodays]

Hi there EmmaSoul,

And yes, it does sound tough.  Glad you made your way here.

 

Were you on an oral or taken by mouth form of the fluanxol?

 

And then was the Emergency Room Visit and Steroids back in August of 2020? 

Or just the Emergency room?  With the steroids being taken or given, back after one of your previous attempts at WD(withdrawal)?

 

And thank you for getting to the signature.  That's so helpful.

 

And for hanging in there, this far, since last August, when you came off your medications.

 

I'm going to go ahead and approve, and get you started today.  And I would like to offer you a bit more information too, and see how we might best help.

I unfortunately need to hop off line right now.  So I, or another moderator will get back to you soon.

 

And meantime, hugs.  It's not too tough EmmaSoul........and I love your name.  I think you'll find some comfort here and help in coping too.  Glad you've joined us.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

[manymoretodays]

Hi again EmmaSoul,

I am just going to give you a bit more, on tapering, and then on WD(withdrawal) now, for you to look at.

 

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

this is our harm reduction model for tapering, with each 10% based on the previous dosage

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

The windows and waves pattern of stabilizaton

 

Dr.Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

On 2/2/2021 at 2:11 PM, EmmaSoul said:

 

I have had a lot of withdrawal symptoms since then, a lot i have read about here and to be honest its been almost 6 months without anything and i feel worse and worse and what really frightens me is not knowing when it will end because now i'm not living, i'm existing.

 

My life has changed to 180. i was independent, i was not afraid and now i am this hopeless, miserable little piece of ... you know in order to to clean your room you need to make more mess. This is how i feel now.

 

Symptoms which worries me is my heart mostly. I can't deal with it and my left arm hurting every day. Everyone is telling me its stress, but it does not calm me down.

Also i'm getting more and more sensitive foodwise and i feel like i felt better being pescitarian then now when i eat meat.

Everything triggers my anxiety more and more.

I feel more afraid and weak every day.

 

It's too tough...

 

And yes, it does sound like a lot of symptoms right now.  We cannot provide medical care here, and with your heart concerns, and left arm pain, I think you should seek a medical evaluation.

It sounds like you are younger, but some of the AP's(antipsychotics) drugs do have side effects that are not good.  And sometimes, if a condition was created due to your drug, it may not go completely away when off of the drug.

I am hoping that it is stress too, but having a regular doctor check you out would be a good idea.

 

The food sensitivities, and fears/anxieties can be fairly common WD symptoms.  Take a look at the Dr. Glenmullen's symptoms list.

And then also at some of the topics in our Symptoms and Self Care forum, especially some of the top pinned ones.

 

This is your introduction/journal page where you have now introduced yourself to the community, you can ask questions here regarding your tapering, give updates, and just keep a record of your journey.

 

Welcome again, EmmaSoul.  And you will start to improve I believe.  It sometimes is just not as quick as we would like.  Meantime, let us know how you are doing, with updates.  Start to get familiar with the site, and some of the stories.  Take a look especially at some of the Success Stories for inspiration, especially those who have come off AP's.

 

And best, L, P, H, and G,

mmmt

 

 

[EmmaSoul]

On 2/6/2021 at 12:54 AM, manymoretodays said:

Hi there EmmaSoul,

And yes, it does sound tough.  Glad you made your way here.

 

Were you on an oral or taken by mouth form of the fluanxol?

 

And then was the Emergency Room Visit and Steroids back in August of 2020? 

Or just the Emergency room?  With the steroids being taken or given, back after one of your previous attempts at WD(withdrawal)?

 

And thank you for getting to the signature.  That's so helpful.

 

And for hanging in there, this far, since last August, when you came off your medications.

 

I'm going to go ahead and approve, and get you started today.  And I would like to offer you a bit more information too, and see how we might best help.

I unfortunately need to hop off line right now.  So I, or another moderator will get back to you soon.

 

And meantime, hugs.  It's not too tough EmmaSoul........and I love your name.  I think you'll find some comfort here and help in coping too.  Glad you've joined us.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

Hey, thank you for approving my story. 

Answering your questions - i was in hospital and given steroids on February 2019.  On August 2020 i was in isolation for 14 days because of covid and the trip i took. And at that time i took full dose of antidepresants and called emergency at home. I actually had to convince them that i feel sick from taking these pills, because they said its not possible. At the end i just chose to stay at home and drink lots of water to get the feeling out of my system.

 

About fluanxol I know only 2 kinds - tablets and injections, I was using 1mg tablets.

I'm totally of the meds for 6 months but the food sensibility came very recent, starting with sugar. I had windows and waves before but now i just feel bad constantly till the point I'm afraid to eat something and I'm afraid it will get worse and worse. I have already been through this forum, so I know what is best to avoid and i have no problem following that or trying. The thing is - is it really about the food? Or will it get worse till the point i end up in hospital or taking meds again?

[manymoretodays]

Hey thanks EmmaSoul,

And neither of those drugs are really AD's, or antidepressants.  With the exception of the sertraline.    And we would often counsel to get some stability, prior to tapering.  Prepare for the tapering, etc.  You did a pretty brief reinstitution of medications for just a month or 2, and then a fairly quick taper off.

 

On 2/8/2021 at 6:33 AM, EmmaSoul said:

I'm totally of the meds for 6 months but the food sensibility came very recent, starting with sugar. I had windows and waves before but now i just feel bad constantly till the point I'm afraid to eat something and I'm afraid it will get worse and worse. I have already been through this forum, so I know what is best to avoid and i have no problem following that or trying. The thing is - is it really about the food? Or will it get worse till the point i end up in hospital or taking meds again?

 

And I don't know.  It may be about the food but also about the obsession with food sensitivities, and then fears in general.

All in all, you've been on and off medications now for around 8 years.  And then a couple of FT's(fast tapers).

 

I think the key will be in how you manage with non-drug skills, and also with assuring yourself that, yes, you can handle uncomfortable stuff now.  I mean, of course, one has to eat decently, and get some sleep.  But if you believe you are not going to make it, that just won't help.

 

Do you have some support at home?  I mean I suspect, that even though you stopped medications back in August........that this, all your worries, fears, obsessions, etc. may be due to WD now.  You might need help to manage, and you may need to find some help, there on the ground to manage as well.  And not everyone understands WD, and the sometimes protracted nature of it either.  Which makes it hard.  I used to to tell some that I was recovering from adverse reactions to medications, because they could understand that.

 

I don't think you will get worse, no.  I see if I can find some good topics for you to look at, that might help too, when I get back online.

And I think you can heal completely.  It just might not all happen as quickly as you'd like.......it takes time for the nervous system to recover.

 

And best EmmaSoul,

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[manymoretodays]

EmmaSoul,

Were you able to get your heart checked out?  I'm hoping that is something that then, will reassure you.  Oftentimes, most do get a clean bill of health after getting checked out.

But, yes, WD can be so darn fierce, at times.

 

Any windows, good days, or even hours that you've noticed?

I sure hope so, as that was what kept me going, along with the belief that I would heal, and oh, so many things.........

I know it seems endless now, but there is an over the rainbow.......lol, I better place you will get to, where what you are dealing with now, is just a memory. 

 

And best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[EmmaSoul]

Hello. It's been a while since i last posted here with a thought that i can't make it. I have been thinking and experimenting with what i do, what i eat and i consider these months the toughest. I know my tapering was not great, but what did i know then? i was just listening to my doctor. 

Now when everything triggers my nervous system i have done best i can to feel somehow normal. I eat only chicken(sometimes other meat), fish, vegetables, potatoes, eggs and sometimes beans. I feel like these foods cooked in oil makes me feel better. And i drink only water, no other liquid. A big NO for me is dairy, wheat, sugar, fruits. Once i ate mango and was in bed for 3 days.. I don't use any supplements. I noticed i even got triggered by lip plumper, face cream and self tanner lol. Still when my nervous system doesn't like something, my heart feels it a lot. I did not check my heart yet maybe because I think they will not find anything. I have lost some weight since my new diet. I'm happy about that but my butt is gone and i cant do sports so i'm also a bit sad about it.

My boyfriend has been a big support for me, I can't believe how patient he is. Although i had to fight with him over what i eat because he just doesn't understand how can i be sick of drinking milk for example. But he has seen me before and now and now he is quiet about it.

I am seriously so sick of all this. I feel like i need to limit my self to a level of extreme and it is harder and harder to go through it. 

[hayduke]

Hi Emma.  Can relate to being the one who gets lumped with all the family issues.  I found a clinical psychologist who's been invaluable at helping me work all that stuff out, and it's made a huge difference.  You might find that can help reduce your anxiety too.

 

Cheers

[EmmaSoul]

Hey. 

Im almost 10 months drug free. I would want to see a progress to have a strenght and be able to move forwards, but when it is hard - it is really hard. I was ready to let my boyfriend go and move to my grandmother becauce he does not deserve this kind of relationship, but he said he will fight with me through this and support me financialy with therapist. 

At this point i have zero apetite, sleep is average, i have lost now too much weight and it consernes me, because i am starting to look anorexic. I feel more emotional. Maybe because im very tired of all this. 

I fear that this state of mine will ruin our realationship eventualy so im thinking maybe i could reinstal the drug? Would it be a smart choice and is it not too late?

This is the worst wave i have had. Before that i had very good few days and i was feeling hopefull.

I have checked my heart and had a blood and other test and everything seems fine apart from lack of carbs and low sugar level and dehidration.

[hayduke]

@EmmaSoul hopefully one of the mods who has experience with these particular drugs can advise more specifically on reinstatement.

 

Ten months is a long time, and reinstatement can cause more problems than it might abate, especially after that long. 

 

It might be the case that if you can tread water for another ten months you might find yourself in a way better place than after reinstating.  Especially if you're safe, sheltered and in good company while your body has the time to adapt after everything it's been through.

 

It's great your partner will support you through these depths, we don't all get that kind of backup.  I hope you can perceive that what they are seeing in you is better than how you are feeling right now 🙂

 

Cheers