catmama: Introduction

[catmama]

1 hour ago, BlushingxPill said:

has your sex drive returned?

 

Thankfully, it has. Not to what it used to be pre-SSRIs. But it's better. And there are other factors at play for me (I had a traumatic sexual experience several years ago that I'm still healing from). 

I've found that weightlifting has boosted my libido quite a bit. It increases all those feel-good neurotransmitters and I think it must be boosting the right sex hormones too. 

[catmama]

It's been one week since resuming my taper. I did a big drop from 1.36mg to 1.00mg. I felt fine until about 3-4 days after changing my dose. I got hit with all the classic symptoms I've come to recognize as withdrawal: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, anxiety, trouble sleeping, and low appetite. It's been mostly physical symptoms at this point - which are still annoying and mess up my day, but I don't think they're as bad as the psychological/emotional symptoms. I actually had to take a sick day from work yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. This morning I still felt crummy but luckily I work from home Fridays and Mondays, so I was able to work today. Much to my surprise, I feel really good now (afternoon/evening) that the day has wore on. I gave myself an "emergency" dose this morning of 0.10mg and I'm wondering if that helped. Tonight I will take 0.9mg to keep my total dose consistent. 

 

I'm thinking about trying that again tomorrow - taking a portion of my dose in the morning and the remainder of it in the evening (when I usually take the full dose). 

 

Has anyone else tried this (splitting doses between the morning and evening) and had success with it when it comes to mitigating WD symptoms? 

[ChessieCat]

Going from 1.36mg to 1.00mg is a 26.4706% decrease.

 

It would be better to make your reductions smaller so that you don't experience withdrawal symptoms.  WD symptoms are a sign that you are tapering too quickly.  And that the brain is having to make too many adaptations.  It you allow this to happen too many times there might came a time that you brain is not able to handle it and you can end up destabilising yourself and your nervous system becomes sensitised.  When this happens it can affect many areas of your life.  Some members find that once this happens they have difficulties with some supplements/medications and even some foods.

 

The idea of tapering is to go at the rate where you don't get more than minimal discomfort from WD symptoms.

 

Just because you are at a low does doesn't mean you can go faster.  In fact many members find that the lower their dose gets the slower they need to go, reducing less and/or holding longer.  And escitalopram is a very strong drug.

 

Why taper paper: dose-occupancy curves

 

On 5/27/2011 at 12:16 PM, Altostrata said:

If you are taking 5mg of Lexapro, it's not tiny, it's equivalent to 10-20mg Paxil or Celexa.

Consequently, when you taper off escitalopram, you should be careful to decrease by small amounts, as each drop is magnified by escitalopram's extra potency. If you find withdrawal symptoms from a 10% decrease to be too difficult, after 3-4 weeks decrease by a smaller amount.

 

 

1 hour ago, catmama said:

I gave myself an "emergency" dose this morning of 0.10mg and I'm wondering if that helped.

 

This would have happened because you were giving your brain more of what it is needing.

 

If it was me I would be updosing to 1.224mg (or thereabouts) which is what you would have reduced to if you had done the 10% reduction.  I don't think you need to worry about dose splitting, because that is not the cause of the current issue.  The current issue has been caused by too large a reduction.

 

And then after a longer hold, I would do at least 6 weeks from the updose, then only reduce by 10% of less of the new updose amount.

 

I have seen members of SA who have tried to go faster and it has ended up taking them longer then if they had done a nice steady taper of 10% every 4 weeks.  Some have ended up switching drugs (which doesn't always work) and some have ended taking an additional drug (which then has to be tapered).

 

It took me 6 years to get of 100mg Pristiq but during the time (after I messed up right at the start which is when I found SA), I only had minimal withdrawal symptoms.

[catmama]

Thanks for the reply @ChessieCat

I got impatient and wanted to just be done with all this. But if I stick with the slow taper, I will hit my jumping off point in about a year. That’s daunting. But I figure the time is going to pass either way. So I can feel decent during that year or feel WD hell. Either way it will be a year. 
 

I will updose to the amount you recommended and hold and see how that goes. Then go from there. 

[ChessieCat]

1 minute ago, catmama said:

So I can feel decent during that year or feel WD hell.

 

Exactly.

 

2 minutes ago, catmama said:

Either way it will be a year.

 

No, if you continue to taper too fast it might end up taking longer.

 

 

[catmama]

I figured it's time for another update!

I have been back on the 10% drop every 28 days taper schedule. For the most part, I have been feeling ok. I'm tracking my symptoms and the worst of them have been fatigue, nausea, anxiety, and dizziness/lightheadedness. But the past week and a half or so I've been hit with a pretty rough wave. I have been having trouble sleeping, which makes me tired, which makes everything else worse and harder to tolerate. I feel worn out and achy like I have the flu but I don't actually have any sort of virus. 

 

Some things I've been trying to get better sleep: melatonin (0.5 mg), going to bed early, going to bed late, keeping my room cool, wearing blue-blocker glasses if I'm using my phone before bed, breathing exercises, and light stretching. I still am both having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I have racing thoughts or I'll wake up in a panic (cortisol spike perhaps?). I can usually get back to sleep right after, but by then the sleep cycle has already been disturbed so I'm still tired and struggling when I have to wake up for work. I nod off at my desk if I sit still for too long. 

 

I'm considering trying marijuana to help me get more restful sleep. It worked for me when I used to smoke recreationally in my late teens/early 20s. I haven't partaken in over a decade. But now that it's legal and there are dispensaries in my city opening up, I am curious to try again. But I have read a lot of mixed reviews on this site on whether it helps or hurts withdrawal. 

 

Any input is greatly appreciated!

[Onmyway]

On 8/24/2022 at 5:57 PM, catmama said:

I figured it's time for another update!

I have been back on the 10% drop every 28 days taper schedule. For the most part, I have been feeling ok. I'm tracking my symptoms and the worst of them have been fatigue, nausea, anxiety, and dizziness/lightheadedness. But the past week and a half or so I've been hit with a pretty rough wave. I have been having trouble sleeping, which makes me tired, which makes everything else worse and harder to tolerate. I feel worn out and achy like I have the flu but I don't actually have any sort of virus. 

 

Some things I've been trying to get better sleep: melatonin (0.5 mg), going to bed early, going to bed late, keeping my room cool, wearing blue-blocker glasses if I'm using my phone before bed, breathing exercises, and light stretching. I still am both having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I have racing thoughts or I'll wake up in a panic (cortisol spike perhaps?). I can usually get back to sleep right after, but by then the sleep cycle has already been disturbed so I'm still tired and struggling when I have to wake up for work. I nod off at my desk if I sit still for too long. 

 

I'm considering trying marijuana to help me get more restful sleep. It worked for me when I used to smoke recreationally in my late teens/early 20s. I haven't partaken in over a decade. But now that it's legal and there are dispensaries in my city opening up, I am curious to try again. But I have read a lot of mixed reviews on this site on whether it helps or hurts withdrawal. 

 

Any input is greatly appreciated!

Hi @catmama

we strongly recommend against any psychoactive substances in withdrawal including marijuana as they may destabilize your nervous system and set you back. 

OMW

[catmama]

@Onmyway thank you for the feedback. Looks like I missed an intermediate dose on my taper a couple months ago, based on my google sheet I've been following. So that's how I ended up at this current dose. I will hold at this dose and wait until I feel stabilized before continuing. 

 

I tried smoking marijuana for sleep and it didn't seem to do much one way or the other. So I'm going to abstain to be on the safe side. I think magnesium glycinate works best for sleep for me, along with the occasional melatonin. 

[catmama]

Quick rant: I'm feeling so discouraged. This withdrawal process has been grueling. I feel like I haven't felt well in years. My emotions are all over the place, I feel tired all the time, I don't sleep well, my appetite is off, I get waves of nausea, my skin is breaking out. I'm just angry. I was never told what these drugs could do to me. I was never given any other option. And no one is to blame - other than the pharmaceutical companies maybe. My doctors, my parents, me - we all thought we were doing what was best for me. To help me get better. I want my life back. 

[Onmyway]

Hi @catmama

Your anger is completely justified, no question about it. Right now though it may be more helpful to focus on what's ahead. There is a sense of calm that comes with acceptance that can aid healing. It's not the same as denying your anger or not feeling it or not thinking it's not justified but just not focusing on it and choosing to distract and think about the things that you can still do and what you will do when you heal. I know it is easier said than done from experience but also from experience it really helps.

 

Can you think of ways that will help you distract constructively? Sometimes being of service helps (to the best of our abilities), other times just being occupied with something else helps. Maybe you can offer words of support to someone else on the site? It might help. You Don't have to do that specifically, you can choose something else but distraction is your best friend in this situation.

 

 

OMW

 

 

[catmama]

It's been a while since I posted any update. I always seem to find myself on here when I'm in a wave. Overall, the tapering has been going relatively well. I'm sticking with the 10% drop every 28 days, unless I feel I need to extend it, and sometimes go an extra week. I just did a drop from 0.52mg to 0.47mg five days ago and I'm definitely feeling it. Mostly physical symptoms (fatigue, nighttime waking, nausea, dizziness/lightheadedness, brain zaps, tremors), with a few mild psychological symptoms like anxiety. 

 

I'm still not sure when I want to jump to zero. This post recommends jumping off at 2.5% of the original dose, which in my case would be 0.38mg. But that seems like a high jumping off point. So I will see how I feel when I get there in a few months. 

 

To manage symptoms I'm just trying to rest a lot, get sunshine and movement everyday, eat a balanced low-carb diet (I tried high carb, low fat for a week and I felt like ****), stay well hydrated, spend quality time with friends and people who love me, and stay in touch with my tapering group chat on Instagram. I'm working with a life coach to help me through some of the trauma and childhood/teenhood wounds that contributed to my needing to start antidepressants in the first place. It's hard work, but so worth it. I think I've cried almost everyday the past several months but it actually feels good because I literally could never cry when I was medicated. I'm learning so much and am so grateful to be on this journey. I've also taken a lover and am really enjoying my time with him and having a sex life again. (For those with a dead libido while medicated: it DOES get better!) He's from Europe and will be leaving soon which is why it's not more serious, so I'm doing my best to enjoy the present when I'm with him.

 

I will try to update more often from now on. 

[Shep]

Thanks for the update @catmama Sounds like you're swimming through the waves with grace and finding moments of joy at times. 

 

It's good you're going to reassess where you're are as you get closer to thinking about the jump off point. Your symptoms will guide you. 

[catmama]

Update: After feeling really crummy the past two weeks since going from 0.52mg to 0.47mg, I have decided to updose to 0.50mg and hold for at least four months before considering resuming my taper. I'm just exhausted. Feeling dizzy and nauseated daily is miserable. Getting poor sleep night after night is making me feel like s---. I want to just give my body a break and let it heal for a while before I start the last leg of this nightmare tapering experience. 

I have several big trips coming up in the next few months (NYC, Italy, Spain) and I want to feel more than just ok. I want to be able to live life and not be at the mercy of withdrawal symptoms that suck the life out of me and keep me from thriving. I know I'll get to zero eventually - it just won't be as soon as I'd been hoping/planning. 

[Shep]

11 hours ago, catmama said:

Update: After feeling really crummy the past two weeks since going from 0.52mg to 0.47mg, I have decided to updose to 0.50mg and hold for at least four months before considering resuming my taper. I'm just exhausted. Feeling dizzy and nauseated daily is miserable. Getting poor sleep night after night is making me feel like s---. I want to just give my body a break and let it heal for a while before I start the last leg of this nightmare tapering experience. 

I have several big trips coming up in the next few months (NYC, Italy, Spain) and I want to feel more than just ok. I want to be able to live life and not be at the mercy of withdrawal symptoms that suck the life out of me and keep me from thriving. I know I'll get to zero eventually - it just won't be as soon as I'd been hoping/planning. 

 

Catmama, when you were last at 0.50 mg? Updosing can sometimes help, but please be careful you're not updosing to more than you've been on over the past month or so. Going too high with an updose can trigger your nervous system into hyper-reacting since it's already started adapting to lower doses. 

 

I hope the updose is helpful and you're able to travel as you need to, but please don't push yourself farther than you can handle. If you're not up to these types of extensive travel plans, are you able to postpone them until you're feeling better? 

[catmama]

5 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Catmama, when you were last at 0.50 mg?

 

I was at 0.52mg from Feb 17 to Mar 23 (five weeks) then at 0.47mg for ten days before updosing 0.03mg to 0.50mg. Even though I'm tapering slowly, I'm still not feeling well at all. So I just need to take a break before continuing on. 

[Shep]

17 hours ago, catmama said:

 

I was at 0.52mg from Feb 17 to Mar 23 (five weeks) then at 0.47mg for ten days before updosing 0.03mg to 0.50mg. Even though I'm tapering slowly, I'm still not feeling well at all. So I just need to take a break before continuing on. 

 

This sounds like a reasonable updose and a reasonable timeline. When was the last dose you felt stable? 

[Chlo]

Hello @catmama🌻

[catmama]

On 5/5/2023 at 10:24 PM, Chlo said:

Hello @catmama🌻

Hello! So great to connect with you on here. I need to get better about posting and updating on here lol

[catmama]

Another update:

 

I am still at my 0.5mg hold. But things have hit the fan. I accidentally fell in love with my lover, and now he's gone and I have learned some things about him (like that he's had a long-term gf in Italy years before I met him, and he's still with her) and have gone no-contact with him. The heartbreak is overwhelming. Add to that burnout with my job and just life in general. And now I am feeling completely hopeless and depressed. I am having suicidal thoughts. I have extremely low energy, I can barely eat, I am crying all the time, I feel like I'm disassociating at times. It's frightening. I had to take the week off work and I'm dreading going back on Monday.

 

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm going to ask her to put me back on 5 mg lexparo and perhaps add in wellbutrin as well. I don't know what else to do. I can barely function. 

[Shep]

15 hours ago, catmama said:

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm going to ask her to put me back on 5 mg lexparo and perhaps add in wellbutrin as well. I don't know what else to do. I can barely function. 

 

Catmama, I wouldn't to anything drastic like this. You need to give yourself time to grieve. That's both an emotion and a process and it takes time. 

 

Many of us who've healed found that a lot of the relationships we had while on drugs and during the brutal days of withdrawal are no longer relevant as we re-build our lives after healing. Life does get a lot better and the relationships built after healing are much more healthy because we're in touch with our real emotions and can make better decisions. 

 

Adding in Lexapro with Wellbutrin is not a good idea. There's a MAJOR drug interaction:

 

Drug Interaction Checker - lexapro & wellbutrin

 

The way to heal from a lost relationship is to give yourself the time and space to heal and move on. Sabotaging your taper is only going to make things worse. 

 

Are you able to talk to your employer about taking a few extra days off or doing some work remotely or other accommodations? 

[catmama]

@Shep

 

i feel that I’m barely functioning. 
 

i got an additional week off work. I’m in the process of getting a therapist through my workplace EAP. And I took the first 5mg pill of Lexapro last night. (No Wellbutrin) I hate going back up but idk what else to do. I’ve never felt grief like this. It’s all-consuming. I am struggling. My life feels hopeless and not worth living. I’m trying to feel the emotions and process the pain, but I’m exhausted. 

[Chlo]

Hang in there @catmama

This too shall pass🩷

[catmama]

I decided I don’t want to go back up to 5mg. I don’t want to undo all the work I did to taper over the last few years. I’m going to continue my hold at 0.5mg and work through my anxiety and depression with a therapist. 
 

Did I do any serious damage by taking two of the 5mg doses? Is it safe to just go back to 0.5mg? 

[Catina7]

Hello @catmama!  I'm a cat mama to six precious kitties and love your user name!  I read through your posts.  There is nothing wrong with just holding for a long time where you're at.  I've actually been holding my current dose for over a year and a half.  You will give your nervous system time to rest and repair itself.  It's good that you'll have a therapist that can help you work through things.  I'm sure the great mods will be able to answer your specific questions.  I wish you much success on your tapering journey.  I know eventually you'll get to 0!  😻

[catmama]

Thanks for checking in @Catina7 always happy  to meet a fellow cat lover.

 

My Lexapro intake over the recent past has been: 

 

Apr 2 - Jun 14: 0.5 mg

Jun 15 - Jun 16: 5 mg

Jun 17 - today (four days): 0.5 mg

 

I really hope I didn’t mess up my taper by doing this. I have been feeling a big upswing in WD symptoms including depressive mood, anxiety, dizziness/lightheadedness, low energy, low appetite, and one bad anxiety attack triggered by a trip to the grocery store. 
 

I’m still hoping to hear from the mods regarding my 2-day updose. 

[Shep]

On 6/17/2023 at 6:42 PM, catmama said:

I decided I don’t want to go back up to 5mg. I don’t want to undo all the work I did to taper over the last few years. I’m going to continue my hold at 0.5mg and work through my anxiety and depression with a therapist. 
 

Did I do any serious damage by taking two of the 5mg doses? Is it safe to just go back to 0.5mg? 

 

Yes, it's safe to go back to 0.5 mg, which looks like you've wisely already done. It may take a few days or few weeks to work its way out of your system and for your nervous system to recover, but I doubt there's any long-term damage from it. Many people either forget a dose or take a double dose during their taper and find that it sorts itself out in time. Try to do as much self care as you can.

[catmama]

Well, it’s been almost a week since the 2-day updose and I’m feeling about the same as I did a few weeks ago. I’m realizing now that the stress of my relationship (constant high-low, dopamine-adrenaline roller coaster) and subsequent break up are what really have made all my withdrawal symptoms suddenly so unbearable. Over the past few months, I focused all my energy on my lover and neglected most of my self-care practices. So what I’m experiencing now makes sense. Yes, I’m grieving the relationship and dealing with the anxiety/PTSD that was triggered by him being toxic and manipulative. But those alone are not enough to make my feel so poorly that I’m barely functioning. So, it’s withdrawal after all 😒

 

My question now is, would a slight updose alleviate anything?
 

I have to return to work on Monday (four days from now) and I’m dreading it. I don’t know how I’m going to manage 40 hrs/week working PLUS commuting, feeding myself, household chores, exercising, emotional/mental self care, and getting decent sleep. Not when I’m feeling so dizzy and anxious and exhausted all the time. I feel scared and hopeless. 

[Shep]

9 hours ago, catmama said:

My question now is, would a slight updose alleviate anything?

 

From your signature, you have that you were holding at 0.50 mg since April 2, 2023. That was more than 2.5 months ago. Updoses work best closer to the last reduction, so if you do updose, I wouldn't go up much. Your system is already adjusting to the lowered dose, plus it was bounced around a bit when you updosed to 5 mg for two days. Your system is seeking stability. I wouldn't monkey around with the dose too much. You wisely noted that life stressors caused your withdrawal symptoms, so I wouldn't expect more of an SSRI to fix this. You need to grieve your loss and yes, that's hard when you have to work and take care of your home and yourself. But I wouldn't make things worse by overshooting the SSRI amount. 

 

You have "lorazepam 0.5 mg (as needed)" in your signature. When is the last time you used a benzo? 

[catmama]

4 hours ago, Shep said:

You have "lorazepam 0.5 mg (as needed)" in your signature. When is the last time you used a benzo? 

I took 0.25 mg lorazepam about 6 days ago when I had an anxiety attack. I use it very sparingly, and always small amounts. 
 

Yesterday I did a tiny updose to 0.58mg Lexapro. That’s the last dose I felt truly stable at. Even at the 0.5mg dose, I was having pretty significant symptoms for weeks. I’m going to hold at the 0.58mg now and just leave it alone. I don’t know what else to do. This is the worst I’ve ever been hit by WD symptoms, to the point that I’m struggling to function normally. I’m just really discouraged and scared. 

[Emonda]

Hey @catmama,

I just stumbled across your introduction after reading your comment on a post by Wrangles783. I've read over your journey, and you've got all the way down to 0.58mg; that's seriously impressive. Well done. I'm so glad you only updosed to 5mg for a few days before dropping back down again.

 

Experiencing a relationship breakdown would definitely cause your WD symptoms to flare up. As Shep said, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself a nice long hold to recover. 

 

Like you, I want to get off ADs as soon as possible. The slower we go, the sooner we will successfully get off.

 

You are doing so well. Remain patient and you will succeed.

[catmama]

Thanks for stopping by @Emonda!

 

Yes, my dating/relationship experience,  was a hard-learned lesson in many ways. 
 

And, starting last night, I feel like I might be inching out of this wave! So hopefully things continue in that direction.  

[catmama]

Update: My two weeks off work ended so I had to return to work in the office this morning. I made it about an hour at my desk before I started having anxiety. I tried to work through it but it got overwhelming and I ended up taking 0.5mg lorazepam and 2mg Zofran because I was so nauseated, and had to sit through a team meeting. The sensory overstimulation was assaulting. I wanted to escape the meeting so bad, but I got through it. Afterward, I spoke one-on-one with my supervisor and let him know some of my situation. He was kind and understanding and said it's ok for me to work from home. Unfortunately, my workplace just changed the WFH rules and now all departments are required to work in person 100% of the time. (eye roll) So I will have to ask my doctor to provide an update to my FMLA form to accommodate remote work, which means another $120 appointment and $50 paperwork fee. But it's worth it to be able to still do my job and heal through this wave. I'm working from home now as I type this and feeling so much better already. Partly, I'm sure, due to the lorazepam, but mostly because it's home: it's quiet, the lights are gentle (no fluorescents!), I'm not in a 4th floor cubicle, there's good air circulation, and my cat is next to me. 

 

Overall, I feel that I am slowly emerging from this very intense, unexpected wave. As each day passes, it seems that I improve around 5% from the day before; the momentary windows during my days seem to lasting a little longer and happen a little more frequently. This wave has been so painful and devastating. I would not wish this withdrawal experience on anyone, even an enemy (ok, maybe some of those greedy jerks at bigpHARMa). I have learned the hard way that I absolutely must take extra good care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally - in order to get to the other side of this with my health and sanity intact.

 

I'm so grateful to the wonderful people on this site who take the time to share about their journeys, provide valuable information, comment and message me, give prayer support, and just help me not feel so alone. I'm also grateful to my mom who I can text any time I'm feeling anxious and she is loving, patient, and supportive. 

[Onmyway]

That is such good news catmama that WFH provides relief. You will get through this. And self care is amazing!
OMW

[Emonda]

14 hours ago, catmama said:

As each day passes, it seems that I improve around 5% from the day before; the momentary windows during my days seem to lasting a little longer and happen a little more frequently

 

What positive news, @catmama. May the improvement continue, and those windows last longer and come more frequently.

[catmama]

I’m starting EMDR therapy with a highly trained therapist in about two weeks. I’ve read that it’s not recommended to take this on while in WD, as our sensitive nervous systems and emotions could be further harmed by an intense therapy like EMDR. But I am really struggling and need relief. 
 

I’ve been back at work (remote) for two days and I’m utterly exhausted. If I don’t feel improvement by the end of the week, I’m seriously considering resigning and applying for disability and moving back in with my parents. I just really don’t know what to do. I want to get back to my job, my gym, my social life, etc but I feel like I’m a hostage to my body right now with the extreme fatigue, anxiety attacks, and other symptoms. 
 

I’m even considering going back to 5mg and just giving up tapering all together and accepting I’ll be a slave to this drug the rest of my life. I’m young still, 33, and I want to fall in love, get married, be a mother, travel the world, experience life. But right now I feel that being taken from me by this brutal withdrawal. The grief and sorrow is overwhelming.
 

Any words of advice are welcome. 

[catmama]

I’m updosing again, to 2.5mg, and possibly to 5mg if that doesn’t help after a couple weeks. I’m suffering. I’m in agony. The life I had only a month ago - work, gym, friends, energy, joy, health, personality - is gone. All because of a heartbreak, that triggered the worst WD wave I’ve ever experienced over these nearly three years of tapering. I feel suicidal and hopeless. I can barely eat, my energy is gone, I can’t exercise, I can’t see my friends, the dizziness and anxiety are disabling, I’m barely getting my job done. I feel like my future has been taken from me. I can’t live like this, yet I can’t end my life. I don’t know what to do other than pray an updose/partial reinstatement gives me some form of stability. And then I can consider tapering again or even doing a Prozac bridge in a couple years or more. 

Thank you to everyone on this site who has helped me. I’m sorry to be throwing in the towel. But I can’t take this anymore.