MaryMoo429: Introduction

[MaryMoo429]

My name is Mary and I'm a 31 year old female from Portland, Maine. I work as a case worker at a women's homeless shelter/housing first program and I have been on a cocktail of psych meds consistently since I was 14 years old. I recently jumped off of my last psych med, Lexapro on September 14th 2020. I started tapering in May of 2020 and cut down 25% every month  - going from 10mg to 0mg in roughly 4 months time. I now know, after discovering this site too late, that this was too fast. This was recommended by my doctor and she actually considered this to be a slow taper. I had actually done a similar taper off of 40mg of Prozac under the same doctor's supervision a couple of years prior. Needless to say this was a failed attempt due to serious withdrawal which I didn't understand at the time. I actually thought I was dying and that there was something seriously, medically wrong with me.

 

My psych med history is very convoluted and intertwined with substance and alcohol abuse and I have been two rehab twice, once in the summer of 2016 for addiction to prescription meds and illicit substances and once again in November of 2019 for alcohol, prescription meds and illicit substance . A brief description of my psych med history is as follows: 

 

Prozac: 20-40mg from 2006-2019 (cold turkeyed off once in roughly 2008, once again in probably 2012 and once again in 2016 when going to drug rehab. Each time I ended up back on Prozac after suffering bad panic attacks months later. I Tried to taper off again in 2018 but went back on after having bad panic attacks come back after a few months off). Prozac is the psych med that I was on the longest. 

 

Zoloft: 2003-2005 off and on. This was the first med I was prescribed when I was 14. I initially was put on this because I had a bad panic attack after getting really high for the first time smoking marijuana. This was the only reason. No informed consent. No one let me know that if I went on this medication I would be permanently changed and may not ever be able to get off of SSRI's.  

 

Daytrana: 2006. I was on this patch for roughly a month. My psychiatrist switched me from Adderall to this briefly after I complained that Adderall was not working as well as it had when I first started. I had a bad panic attack on Daytrana and ended up in the ER. She then switched me to Provigil which I took for about a month but didn't like so she switched me back to Adderall. 

 

Adderall XR: 20-50mg (abused. I took more than prescribed often) 2006-2016.

 

Amphetamine Salts 2006-2016 10-20mg (abused).

 

Ativan: 2009-2010 1mg. My doctor stopped prescribing me these when she said that I was taking them too often. I went cold turkey off of these while I was in college and had withdrawals that I didn't understand at the time. 

 

Vyvanse: mg? (abused) 2014-2015. My doctor tried to switch me from Adderall to this in hopes that it would "work better." 

 

Alprazolam: December 2018- June 2019 1-2mg (abused). I was having bad panic attacks after trying to come off of Prozac and I started self medicating with Xanax. My doctor then prescribed me Xanax to try and help taper me off. 

 

Diazepam: June 2019-November 2019 mg? (used to taper me off of Xanax). My doctor switched me to this in hopes of tapering me off of Xanax. 

 

Lexapro: 2018-2020 10-20mg (Went off once to try another med (Trintillex) but then went back on while in rehab in 2020 because my anxiety was so terrible).

 

Trintillex: May 2019-December 2019 (mg?).

 

Mitrazapine 30mg (tapered off) November 2019-May 2020 (they put me on this in rehab to sleep).

 

While in rehab in 2020 they also used Librium to ween me off the Valium and alcohol. This taper in detox was only 7 days.

 

*Of note I was also on Suboxone for 3 years in my early-mid 20's.* I went cold turkey off of 16mgs Suboxone while in Rehab in 2016. 

 

 

Since coming off of my last psych med in September I have been having a really hard time. I was fine until November 8th, 2020 when I had a horrible panic attack out of the blue at work. Since then its been all down hill and I'm in panic pretty much 24/7 and have all kinds of awful physical symptoms. I actually went to have an EKG done yesterday at my doctors because I'm convinced something is wrong with my heart. The EKG came back fine and she even said it was "beautiful," but I still feel like something is wrong. It was nice to get that reassurance but I just don't know how long my anxious mind will be able to accept that. I have horrible health anxiety and am way to attuned to how I'm feeling.  I've been taking my blood pressure every day with a cuff and the readings I get from that are perfectly normal, however, my heartrate is low. My resting heartrate on my Fitbit is usually like 46 and I know a "normal" heartrate is 60-100. I told my doctor and she says that's a sign I'm in good health but it is freaking me out. I am physically fit and do power yoga 6 days a week and was avidly hiking this summer into November but I can't seem to stop hyper-focusing on my heart...I get palpitations sometimes and at times I feel as though my heart is in my throat which makes it hard to breathe or swallow even, its so weird. Sometimes my heart wont be beating fast, it will actually be beating normally, but it will feel like it is beating really hard and I can't stop feeling it. One of my biggest fears is that I damaged my heart while prescribed and abusing Adderall. I can't seem to stop turning this fear into a certain truth in my head, even though my doctor says otherwise. I feel like I'm being punished for my life spent abusing my body being addicted to substances...

 

Other times I get these feelings that I refer to as "pressure headaches" where I can feel my heartbeat in my head. They're so weird and scary. Like, I feel like I have high blood pressure in my head ( even though I know you normally don't feel high blood pressure). I had these the last time I tried to taper off Prozac too. They're not even painful like a normal headache they're just these uncomfortable feeling of pressure that thumps to the beat of my heart.

 

Another scary sensation is I often feel like I can't take in enough oxygen sometimes and like I'm breathing funny and not normally. Once I'm aware of this I can't stop focusing on this and it makes it worse and makes me feel like I'm choking or going to forget to breathe even more. Sometimes I even feel short of breathe and cant tell if its because I'm super anxious or if something is wrong with my heart. Like I'll be having a conversation with someone and get so into it and worked up that I feel out of breath and panicked.

 

Recently I have even been getting slightly dizzy and having blurred vision, especially when watching tv at night and trying to read the description of a show on Netflix. My roommate just thinks this is my eyes going bad now that I'm over 30, but I feel like it has to do with coming off of these meds. 

 

One of the newest and scariest sensations happens at night just as I'm about to fall asleep. It happened when I'm between being awake and asleep, right as I'm about to drift off.  I get these feelings of a rush of anxious energy that runs over my chest and arms. It almost reminds me of the feeling you get when someone startles you. I can physically feel this electric rush if warm anxiety, however, rush over me. Sometimes it causes me to jump up in bed and gasp for air as I'm afraid my heart is going to stop beating. Once I'm able to fall asleep for the first time though, these usually go away. Like if I were to wake up and go back to sleep, I wont have these my second time going back to sleep that night. By morning they are gone. They're bizarre and scary! 

 

As far as my diet goes I try to eat very healthy. Lots of veggies and protein and limited carbs and sugar. I've been working very hard at this as being on Adderall for 11 years seriously messed up and harmed my relationship with food and body image. Exercise is very important to me and I do heated power yoga 6 days a week in the studio. This is one of the only times I get relief from anxiety and feel good. I'm able to get out of my head and into my physical body, moving away from the stress response. Pranayama (group breath) helps me to focus all of my attention on nothing else and is very beneficial also.

 

I no longer smoke cigarettes (over a year now) and have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 15 months (since going to treatment this last time). My sober date is November 4th, 2020.  

 

When I tapered off Prozac in 2018 and then had bad panic attacks and those weird pressure headaches and feelings of not being able to breathe along with palpitations I had all kinds of tests done at the doctors - lab work, blood pressure monitor that I wore for a day and a heart monitor that I wore for a month. My doctor said that these were all fine. I did, however, go through a period of time where I was tapering myself off of Kratom when my blood pressure was high. Looking back now I think this was from the withdrawals from tapering off of that...   

 

Sorry if this is very scattered, I feel like my psych med history if so convoluted and intertwined with substance abuse/alcoholism that it gets confusing. I also have been having a hard time formulating sentences since coming off of meds and feel rather "stupid." Like its very hard for me to retain words or articulate.  

 

Lastly, I take supplements which I started taking while tapering off of Lexapro. I take Valerian Root, L-Theanine, Melatonin and Magnesium for supplements and my insurance covers acupuncture (20 visits per calendar year) so I've been going once every two weeks. I am tapering off of the Valerian Root now and plan to slowly taper down on all of these supplements. I just completely tapered off of Kava this past month. My plan is to take myself off of all of these as well. 

 

I hope this gives you a brief glimpse at who I am and where I'm currently at. I'm looking for all the help and support that I can get with making it through this to the other side without relapsing or going back on meds. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

 

Best, 

 

Mary

•  

Edited February 15, 2021 by Karma
Added name to Introduction title; Updated November 2020 to 2019 at members request

[getofflex]

@MaryMoo429I want to commend you for getting off of the drugs and working so hard to achieve being clean and sober.  It is a very difficult and courageous thing to do.  Please hang in there and do not give up!  I have been weaning off Lexapro, which is a powerful and nasty drug.  Time is the great healer when it comes to getting off.  A moderator should come in and give you more specific advice and guidance.  I'll be praying for you.  Jennifer 

[MaryMoo429]

@getofflexThank you for the kind words and support I really appreciate it. I am just dumbfounded by how I was able to come off of every other drug known to man but get thrown into the depths of hell when trying to stop SSRI’s... By no means was withdrawing from the others easy, but this is just downright torturous. That’s why I can’t seem to trust in the fact that everything I’m experiencing is just the result of SSRI withdrawal. It’s insane and I’m so mad that I was ever put on an SSRI at such a young age. I even believe that prescription meds led me to have problems with other substances. I’m just in so much pain, so scared and so angry by all of this. Aside from people like you and others on this site I feel so alone. I don’t even know who I am anymore and feel like I’m mourning the loss of my own life. So many intrusive negative thoughts that I can’t seem to have any faith or hope. I’m sure people say this and feel this all the time, but I feel like my story is different and I’m so damaged and so far gone that there’s really no hope. I really wish I could muster up some kind of faith. While I was in treatment my caseworker told me to find some kind of prayer or mantra to go to when I felt really afraid or anxious and one that stuck with me was “God, please relieve me of fear and fill me with faith.” I find myself reciting this more than ever these days...

[mustafa]

Hello @MaryMoo429,

I really know what u are talking about, what u are complaining. It is too hard. I think I had never felt something like what happened from antidepressants. Too starnge and too painful, this is have I would describe symptomts in 2 words. Any way I want to tell u that there are alit of success srories and some of those success stories' writers had symtomts harder and harder than us. This should give u support and faith to do it. You are not alone. Hundreds here on SA and thousands who are not on SA yet, are struggling with these poisons. You are not late to be off antidepressants so throw these ideas, if present, out of your brain.

[getofflex]

@MaryMoo429yes, intrusive negative thoughts, I had those too.  They have improved drastically for me.  I, just like you, I was put on a way too fast taper by my doctor.  It is criminal how the doctors get us dependent on these powerful drugs, and then don't have any idea how to properly get us off of them.  Unfortunately so much of health care decisions are driven by the profit motive, instead of truly trying to care for people.  The good news is that you are young, and it will probably be a less difficult for you than for someone who is older.  I'm 59, and am feeling so much better now, than I did 2 years ago, prior to finding this sight.  Please be assured, there is hope for you!  I know when it feels so bad, it is hard to have hope.  Like Mustafa said, there are many success stories on here of people who felt as bad or maybe worse, but they eventually healed and got off and went on to live a normal healthy life.  As for me, my marriage has improved since I am almost off of Lexapro.  My husband says I am more emotionally present to him, and I know I feel closer to him emotionally than I did on the drugs.  My suggestion is that you do a search in this forum on whatever symptoms you are having, such as anxiety.  There is so much good information in here about the symptoms and how to cope with them.  Jennifer 

[MaryMoo429]

@mustafaand @getofflex thanks for the support and advice. Also, @getofflex congratulations on all of the progress you have made that is truly wonderful! Such a pillar of hope ❤️

[MaryMoo429]

I want to edit my intro but I can’t seem to figure out how so I’m just adding it here. I didn’t proof read before hitting submit and when I re-read it I found a few grammatical mistakes as well as incorrect dates. Most importantly I’d like it noted that my last time in drug/alcohol rehab was November 2019, not 2020. My sober date is November 4th of 2019 and I’m just over 15 months sober. This is very important to me and I believe makes a huge difference in getting a sense of where I’m currently at. If anyone knows how to edit a post please let me know. God knows I will continue to make mistakes on here. 
 

Best,  

[ChessieCat]

  

5 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

How can I edit my intro? I didn’t have time to proof read it and I made some grammatical mistakes that are bothering me and have the year wrong on my last time in treatment. I put November 2020 and it should be 2019. I can’t seem to find a way to edit it. Does anyone know? 

 

Posts can only be edited up to 1 hour after posting.

 

I will ask one of the other mods to add the correct date to your initial post.

[MaryMoo429]

I've recently been experiencing this sensation where I get out of breath when I'm holding a conversation with someone. I keep going back to the though that I have something wrong with my heart but I had an EKG done a couple of weeks ago and my doctor said it was great and looked wonderful. Then I get the idea in my head that something is wrong with my lungs. This doesn't seem to make sense however as this feeling is the least noticeable when I'm getting physical exercise. I honestly feel the best when I'm working out. When I feel this out of breath feeling the most, (which is often accompanied by the feeling of a brick in my throat, tightness or stiffness in the muscles/glands) I am at work and holding conversation with others. It's almost as if actively participating in conversation with another person/people is overwhelming my system. I'm able to get this feeling to go away if I take some time in my office to be alone. I also notice that this symptom is pretty much nonexistent from the time I wake up to the time I get to work. Once at work, I have it pretty much the entire day (fluctuating between periods of low to high intensity). By the end of my work day is when it's the worst. I go to yoga right after work, and by the end of class feel better. Once home I take a shower and the feeling seems to be manageable, I'm just somewhat "beat up" from the stressors of the day. The release from yoga, however, usually allows me to relax and let go of most of it.   

 

Has anyone else experienced this symptom or know if its something to be concerned about? Any ideas of how to make it less noticeable?  I'm scared something is physically wrong with me...

[MilitzaV]

Hello. Congratulations and thank you for sharing that. I also feel like I get out of breath talking to someone or on the phone too. It started last year and with COVID and I had a sternum injury from an air bag so I thought it was one of those! It was neither-it was probably from a drastic reduction 6-9 months prior of meds ( Prozac, klonopin and adderall). I was told, by a friend I had met a reiki, when that happens to breathe out. So as it happens I breathe out. it is weird at first as you are feeling you do not have breath however it worked for me. I will be sending some positive vibes your way! 

[MaryMoo429]

I've been having chest pains and back pains recently along with the unforgiving sensation in my throat that I can best describe as a tightness/pressure and occasional lump present. I've also been having pressure in my head as well as my sinuses. I don't think I have allergies as I don't sneeze or have a runny nose or anything like that. Instead, I get this pressure in my nose and nasal cavities that makes it hard to breathe. There is no mucus present but it feels like my nasal passages have constricted to the size of a pinpoint and I can't get air through. I often have a feeling of pressure in my ears as well and sometimes in my head. What is really most concerning to me recently is the feeling in my chest/back/throat. Even though I had an EKG done a few months ago and it came back normal, I still am afraid something is wrong with my heart. I am really afraid that I damaged my heart from 10+ years of Adderall abuse and may have Myocarditis. I reached out to my doctor again recently to see if I should have an echocardiogram, chest x-ray or bloodwork done to test for troponins and she told me that she does not see the need for further tests as everything looked fine on my EKG and she believes this is just anxiety. She also said that acute injury to my heart would most likely be evident on an EKG so I shouldn't worry. I just don't understand what the hell is going on in my body if there is nothing wrong with my heart. Last night I went to go out to the store and I was waiting in line and the discomfort in my chest/back/arm and throat was so bad that I almost had to leave. I had intense fear as well (which I do 80% of the time now anyways). When this happens I find it even difficult to talk. It's like speaking further exacerbates these feelings. When I got home I went inside and sat on the couch and was able to calm down and the feelings lessened. Could this be a physical response to something happening with my nervous system? Should I trust my doctor and chalk this up to anxiety/withdrawal or should I be pushy and demand more tests? I just am at my wits end and don't know how much longer I can take any of this. I don't trust anyone or anything anymore and feel so alone and hopeless. While coming on this forum helps sometimes it also often makes me feel even more scared and hopeless. It's like I can't win either way. Part of me wishes I had never tried to come off of these medications. I question if I should just go back on an SSRI but everything I read about reinstating on here just makes me feel even worse and more doomed. I feel like my only choice is to remain walking this path of hell, fluctuating between extreme anxiety and debilitating physical feelings that make me feel like/fear that I'm dying to being so depressed and utterly hopeless, unmotivated and sad that I have to exhaust myself fighting off urges to use/drink. I'm just in a really dark place right now and don't feel there is anything I can do to make it better. Totally and utterly alone. 

[getofflex]

Hello Mary,  I'm so very sorry you are feeling so alone and in a dark place. It sounds as if you are feeling despair.  

 

 

5 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I get this pressure in my nose and nasal cavities that makes it hard to breathe. There is no mucus present but it feels like my nasal passages have constricted to the size of a pinpoint and I can't get air through. I often have a feeling of pressure in my ears as well and sometimes in my head

I get this a lot too.  It could be due to your sinus passages being swollen and inflamed.  In my case, I was tested for allergies, and then the doctor diagnosed me with nonallergic rhinitis.  It just means that there is junk in the air that irritates my sinuses.  I live in the Mississippi River valley, and there is lots of crap in the air here. 

 

5 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

she does not see the need for further tests as everything looked fine on my EKG and she believes this is just anxiety.

Your doctor may be correct.  Here is a thread about health anxiety: 

 

Health Anxiety

 

This could very well be PAWS, which stands for post acute withdrawal system.  These drugs make major changes to our nervous systems.  Our nervous system, which is highly complex, is intricately intertwined with every other system in our body.  When we go off the drugs, our nervous system then has to undo all the changes, and in the meantime it is in chaos, and this affects so many other parts of us.  Here is a link with a list of symptoms.  And these are the common symptoms - sometimes AD WD causes very strange symptoms in certain people.  And PAWS can take months or years to fully recover from.  

 

GiaK in this thread says Benzo WD can cause heart pains: 

 

Withdrawal Symptoms Mimic Heart Attack

 

Chest Pain

 

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklist

 

Here is information about how these drugs change us, and withdrawal syndrome: 

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

5 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Should I trust my doctor and chalk this up to anxiety/withdrawal or should I be pushy and demand more tests?

 

You could possibly try some of the techniques above for coping with anxiety.  I personally experienced chest pains due to anxiety at one time, a long time ago.  

 

It may help to read some of the success stories.  

 

Success Stories

 

I just want to conclude this lengthy post by saying that withdrawing from drugs is one of the most difficult journeys many of us ever travel.  Those of us who do this eventually come out on the other side a mentally stronger and wiser person.  I hope that you hang in there, and don't give up.  I know this is really hard!  I know from my own personal experience. I'm praying for you.  

Edited April 25, 2021 by getofflex

[MaryMoo429]

@getofflex thank you so much for taking the time to respond and offering so much relevant content. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart and I will definitely check everything out as soon as I’m able. I actually came home from work early today (working only a half day from 8-12) as I was unable to be present and felt horrible. I came home, ate foods I normally wouldn’t allow myself and ended up crawling into bed and sleeping from 3-6. I honestly don’t even want to get up now but fear I’m going to have trouble sleeping tonight now so am going to force myself to. I feel like things are slipping and like I don’t have the energy to keep moving forward but am not ready to entirely give up yet. I know it sounds awful but I often find comfort in telling myself I can always give up tomorrow or I can always use/drink tomorrow (but not today). So far it’s been helpful and enough to get me through to the next day and tomorrow hasn’t come yet and hopefully never does. Thanks again, @getofflexI’ll make sure to check in again hopefully tomorrow. I hope you’re doing well and have a wonderful day. 

[MaryMoo429]

I'm feeling a little better today mentally (not as hopeless and depressed) but still have the awful tightness feeling in my chest and throat, especially when I get into a long conversation with someone. Sometimes I feel something as simple as a conversation with someone at work messes with my nervous system. So far today I haven't experienced any chest pains but I do have heightened anxiety as usual (this hardly ever goes away). The hypochondria gets so exhausting...

 

There are a few things that have been increasing my levels of anxiety recently that I would like to address/get support on. The first is that about a month ago I had an awful experience during a heated power yoga class. I have been doing this form of exercise for 4 years now and attend class 5-6 days a week and have never had an issue. On the contrary, this has been my one "safe place," especially since going into severe withdrawal after getting off my last med (Lexapro) in September. Even on days when my anxiety was through the roof, going to yoga class made me feel better. There were days when I literally had a panic attack in the car on the way to class and by the time I entered the warm room and made it to my mat I was feeling better. By the end of class I felt amazing and my anxiety seemed to be gone and it remained gone for the next hour or two. During this particular class, however, I entered the room and it seemed WAY hotter than usual. Uncomfortably so. About halfway through the class I noticed my heart rate seemed to be faster and beating harder than usual (more pronounced). My body seemed so overheated and like I couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure if I had a panic attack or what but I felt like my skin was on fire and was filled with a sense of dread. My heart would not slow down and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I had to take a break and stop doing the exercises while I was gasping for air and unable to breathe with the group. I should have just left the room but I tired to "tough it out" and make t through the rest of class because I was scared people would notice I was freaking out and judge me or something. By the cool-down phase of class, my heart rate still wouldn't come down and my body felt so hot and like it needed to get air and cool off in order to get back to baseline. I left class in a hurry as soon as it was over and was really freaked out by what just happened. I was able to calm down as soon as I was out of the heat but it really shook me and ever since that class I have had anxiety about going. I've been continuing to go and have had about three other "attacks" like that where I feel very oversensitive to the heat. On the days after these classes my body feels so beat up and like it has been put through the wringer. Other people in my class have also commented on the heat and feel that it has been hotter than usual but the teachers swear it is the same temperature as it always has been. I guess I'm curious as to whether or not anyone else has had negative experiences with extreme heat? Can heat/humidity trigger the stress response? I'm just so upset that the one thing that has been helping me get through withdrawal has been taken from me and it makes me further think that something is wrong with my heart even though my doctor says I'm fine and that its just anxiety...

 

Second, I've been having a great deal of anxiety over a trip to Florida that I am supposed to be taking May 20th-23rd. I'm a bridesmaid for one of my old college roommates and her bachelorette party is in Siesta Key, Florida at the end of this month. When I agreed to go in January, I think I was being too hopeful and thinking that I would be in a better place with withdrawal than I am actually at right now. As the date approaches I am getting more worried about going. The big thig for me is I now have this paranoia about flying. I've never been scared of the act of flying but now that I'm in withdrawal I'm terrified by the idea of being STUCK up in a plane, next to a stranger, with no way to get out or alleviate the fear. I'm scared of having a panic attack in the air and having no way to exit the situation. I'm also scared that if my panic was so terrible that I would drink to survive. I've been sober for just about 18 months (as of May 4th) and don't want to jeopardize this. My doctor agreed to prescribe me (2) .5mg Ativan - one for the flight there and one for the flight back to have on my just in case of an emergency, but I obviously don't want to take a benzo or any psych med ever again. However, if I were able to take something like this without it affecting my withdrawal I would consider it (and only take it if I absolutely HAD to). MY question is whether or not this could harm me and whether or not two pills for an emergency use would be considered reinstating? The benzos I have been prescribed (daily dosing) and withdrew from in the past are Ativan, Xanax, and Valium. While I have take Klonopin before I was never prescribed this or taken it daily. If Ativan could mess with my withdrawal, would Klonopin be an option for me to discuss with my doctor? Are either of these options to discuss with my PCP or should I just avoid this as an option altogether and consider backing out of the trip? As the trip approaches and I find myself being more and more honest about the situation and where I am currently at, I'm feeling as though backing out is my best option. I feel really upset about this though and am angry at myself for not being in a better place to be able to go and to show up for my friend as well as myself. I just don't want to risk further harm to my already damaged body/brain or risk jeopardizing my sobriety. 

 

Any feedback on these two would be much appreciated. 

 

Best, 

Mary

[getofflex]

6 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I'm feeling a little better today mentally (not as hopeless and depressed)

I'm very happy to hear this.  😀

 

That sounds tough and scary.  I'm sorry that your one safe place has become tainted with anxiety.  Perhaps you and the others in the class could ask the person in charge to cool off the room?  It sounds like it is hotter in there, since other people noticed it.  I know I have very little tolerance to heat in withdrawal (and menopause). 

 

About the second situation.  If it were me, I would not take the Ativan.  Putting another psychotropic drug in your system could possibly throw your nervous system out of sync even more, and send you into a worse withdrawal. You said in your drug sig that you abused alprazolam in the past, which is also a sedative, so I would not suggest that you risk taking the Ativan, or the Klonopin.  It could lead you to addiction again, and then another painful withdrawal.  Every time our nervous system gets used to another psych med, our systems tend to get more sensitized, and it will get harder and harder to get off the drugs in the future.  This is called kindling. 

 

6 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

As the trip approaches and I find myself being more and more honest about the situation and where I am currently at, I'm feeling as though backing out is my best option.

Personally, if it were me, this is what I would do.  We need to take care of ourselves first.  

 

6 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I feel really upset about this though and am angry at myself for not being in a better place to be able to go and to show up for my friend as well as myself.

Aw, please don't beat yourself up.  This is not your fault!  You are doing everything you can to get clean and sober.  That is huge.  Look at how far you have come!  You are a warrior, you truly are. You have some really major accomplishments, getting off the drugs you were on in the past.  It takes great inner strength and resolve to do what you did.  I don't want to see you put that in jeopardy.  If your friends are real friends, they would understand.  

 

6 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I just don't want to risk further harm to my already damaged body/brain or risk jeopardizing my sobriety

I totally agree 100%.  I'm rooting for you, and I know you can make it.  Try reading some of the success stories.  It always helps me a great deal.  

 

Take care, and keep up the good work.  

[MaryMoo429]

Thank you for responding and sharing your opinion. I saw my acupuncture therapist last night and she said the same thing. I was really upset and very symptomatic by the time I got to see her yesterday after work and explained everything that’s been going on with me lately, including this Florida trip debacle and she actually said to me “**** Florida” which made me laugh as by that point I was in tears explaining my awful past week. My symptoms definitely get worse as the day progresses, especially days I’m working and then level off again once I’m home for the night.

 

I also talked to my acupuncture therapist about the yoga situation and she helped me  brainstorm ways to continue using it in a way that serves me rather than harms me. Unfortunately I don’t think they will adjust the heat as they deny that they have even increased it, so I’ve decided to cut back on the number of weekly classes for the time being and get a gym membership to supplement (despite truly hating gyms and gym culture!). This way I’m not totally giving up on the thing that I love and served me well over the past 4 years and also not letting my ego and OCD tendencies force me to continue going to classes that are currently harming me. I’m trying to avoid black and white/all-or-nothing thinking which for me  is a very familiar, addiction/alcoholic way of doing things.
 

Just to make sure I’m understanding your response correctly, even taking two .5mg Ativan could cause Kindling and throw my nervous system further out of whack, causing me to experience an even more severe withdrawal right now? I just want to make sure I’m accurately informed so I can make the right decision and feel empowered by it rather than questioning and beating myself up over it. 
 

thanks again for all you help, @getofflex. I really can’t tell you how grateful I am for the time you always take to respond to my posts. I do apologize for all of my questions and concerns! 
 

Best, 

[getofflex]

2 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Just to make sure I’m understanding your response correctly, even taking two .5mg Ativan could cause Kindling and throw my nervous system further out of whack, causing me to experience an even more severe withdrawal right now? I just want to make sure I’m accurately informed so I can make the right decision and feel empowered by it rather than questioning and beating myself up over it. 

It's not a certainty that this would happen, but it is a distinct possibility, especially since you have a past history of abusing benzos.  The more we go on and off drugs, the more likely this is to happen.  Go to this link, and check out at least the first 2 links:  

 

Kindling and Post Withdrawal Sensitivity

 

It sounds like you are doing great job with your recovery, and have a lot of self awareness and non drug coping techniques.  I'm glad you have the support of your acupuncture therapist.  

[MaryMoo429]

I had a horrible day at work experiencing all kinds of chest, upper back and throat discomfort (pressure, aches and pains) and felt very on edge all day. I actually got so scared at one point I went to my office and messaged my doctor on the online portal. The nurse called me back and I was having heart palpitations on the phone. I see my doctor tomorrow and feel like something is seriously wrong with my heart I really don’t understand how the feelings I’m experiencing are related to withdrawal or anxiety. She keeps insisting I’m healthy and that my ekg results show that no further testing is needed. Theses symptoms though are completely debilitating and it’s becoming harder and harder to make it through work. I’m hardly able to work out anymore either which has been my number one outlet. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this. I wish I was lucky enough to be able to not work and focus on healing but that’s not the case for me. I wish I had found this site before I came off my meds so I could’ve avoided this hell. I hate these medications but at this point I wish I could go back on something because I feel I have been on so many different drugs from such a young age with numerous med changes and cold turkeys that I’m completely screwed and am torturing myself. Is there anyway to safely reinstate after being off meds for 7 months? Or am I doomed for the next 10 years? I’ve never hated my life so much. I feel trapped with no options and don’t know how to continue moving forward. It’s hard to trust that this is in fact withdrawal or that it will get better. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore there’s so much information out there and from all different kinds of people that is contradicting. Not to mention no one believes me when I explain paws to them which makes me start to question it myself. I feel crazy. God help me! Sorry for the rant, I just feel overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless. 

[Jennings]

Hey,

 

I'm right where you are, almost nine months out after a fast taper and it's hell.  

 

You're not alone.

 

[MaryMoo429]

@JenningsI’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this horrible experience as well. Can I ask what your symptoms are? 

[Jennings]

Insomnia, crying spells, anxiety, chest pain, throat and neck pain, nightmares, intrusive thoughts.

 

How about you?

[MaryMoo429]

I totally relate. straight-up torture
 

For me I get: Anxiety, chest pressure/pain and discomfort, throat tension/discomfort (sometimes it’s even hard to hold conversation or swallow food), upper back pain and discomfort, heart palpitations, intrusive negative thoughts (lots of fear), severe health anxiety, ringing in my ears, pressure in my ears, head and sinuses, sensitivity to heat, depression and hopelessness (especially after a panic attack or extra stressful day). I also am super sensitized to my environment and often feel the need to go home and lie on my bed in the fetal position in complete quiet. 

[Jennings]

I get the throat tightness during conversation.  It's a horrible symptom.

[getofflex]

On 4/29/2021 at 4:19 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

I see my doctor tomorrow and feel like something is seriously wrong with my heart I really don’t understand how the feelings I’m experiencing are related to withdrawal or anxiety

Anxiety is one of the hallmark symptoms of PAWS, and anxiety can cause chest discomfort, rapid heart rate, and other similar symptoms.  Take a look at the relevant links I gave you on my April 25 post.  Did you check out the audio links I gave you on anxiety and panic? 

 

I truly don't think you are doomed.  I understand your feeling of hating your life, and being very frustrated.  Going through this is a very difficult process, and it takes a lot of time for the nervous system to sort itself out.  Try reading some of the success stories, they may give you hope.  They certainly helped me when I was feeling despair.  

[Callietallie]

Health anxiety is the main reason I started down this road 20 some years ago, so I hear you.  The rational part of the brain knows that it's your anxiety, but it's so hard to listen to it.  The fear is so strong.  I'm dealing with a too fast taper, trying many things to deal with insomnia. I have been having very similar rushes/jolts/jerks as I start to drift to sleep. But mine happens repeatedly. Very anxiety producing. Anyway, I don't have any great solutions for you, just support.

 

Take Care.

[Mia1]

When I first started my journey I was in PAWS and had intense anxiety surrounding my health and sleep, and funny enough I was hyper focused on my heart as well. I also went to acupuncturists, massage therapists, chiropractors, hypnotists, etc. I also ate well and exercised. All of these things helped my physical recovery but ultimately did nothing for my emotional symptoms. It was only when I started to look within at those feelings that I was afraid to face did I start to heal. I started a daily meditation practice, worked tirelessly on acceptance, self love  and mindfulness. I watched and read all manner of things from spiritual teachers that resonated with me. I learned to be patient with myself and my recovery. I practiced and continue to practice every single day those skills I wish to have. Through all this work I found it was my reaction to my symptoms and not my symptoms that were causing my suffering.

So, the quick and short advice to you is don’t give up. Don’t let anxiety and fear be your boss. Go to the bachelorette party in fear but GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. Join a 12 step program. Start a daily meditation practice. Face your feelings, they won’t kill you even if it feels like they will. Keep doing this. Find out what acceptance means to you and go so deep into it that it doesn’t matter what you are feeling. Love yourself more than you love anxiety. Ultimately you will find what works for you if you seek it. You just need some courage and determination and a little bit of hope. I know you can do this, look at what you have done already!!

[MaryMoo429]

I had the worst anxiety that was persistent and relentless all day. I worked my normal 8-4 shift and felt extremely sensitive to my surroundings/environment the entire time. When there were a lot of people around I kept feeling startled by the littlest bit of stimulus. My stomach would drop and a surge of anxious energy would rush over me that made me feel flushed. Basically the way your body responds when someone jumps you, only no one was jumping me, I was going about my day within my work environment. Granted my environment is a women’s homeless shelter and always chaotic, I never had a problem with the stimulus before withdrawal. At one point today I had such a severe rush of anxiety and panic that I was certain I was going to drop dead. Are these adrenaline surges? Sometimes my heart rate doesn’t even spike really I just get that rush of anxious energy feeling and severe panic like I need to get out and move to somewhere safe. I’m so exhausted from having no choice but to put myself in these situations every day because I can’t afford to not work and am too far out to reinstate ADs. It’s like my body doesn’t have time to heal from the stress I put it through going to work each day that it is just becoming more and more damaged. I also have an echocardiogram this Friday and I’m so nervous about it. I still think something is wrong with my heart and am happy my doctor finally put in a referral to a cardiologist. The thought of going to sit in a clinical environment however makes me literally sick. It’s almost like an awful catch-22: While I need to go get the test done to get some answers to maybe find some relief, I can’t get the test done because my anxiety and fear of clinical environments is so bad I can’t go to the appointment. Ugh just so frustrated with this whole mess of life. What an absolute mess. All I want is a little relief but “in tomorrow I see no promise and yesterday was like today.”

[Mia1]

19 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I’m so exhausted from having no choice but to put myself in these situations every day because I can’t afford to not work and am too far out to reinstate ADs. It’s like my body doesn’t have time to heal from the stress I put it through going to work each day that it is just becoming more and more damaged.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with persistent anxiety and fear. Is there any way to go on medical leave, even if only a couple weeks to give yourself a break? How about personal, sick, vacation time if that’s not an option? Is there a way you can schedule just 5 minutes of quiet time throughout your day to soothe your nervous system? Deep breathing, a walk in nature, sitting by yourself in a quiet room.

I know it’s hard to think about when you feel like you’re surviving one minute to the next but it’s at this time it’s even more important to work on the anxiety. Are you working with a therapist? Are you involved in a 12 step program to help support your sobriety? The more you resist your symptoms the longer they will stay. 

19 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Ugh just so frustrated with this whole mess of life. What an absolute mess. All I want is a little relief but “in tomorrow I see no promise and yesterday was like today.”

Being kind and patient with ourselves during our recovery is so important. Be mindful what you are telling yourself. It’s not an easy situation you’re in but it’s not hopeless either. Being in true acceptance will give you relief. 

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1I recently have been thinking about taking a leave to see if it helps with my symptoms at all. I got to work this morning and as soon as I walked in the break room I just started bawling. My coworkers are great and very supportive and encouraged me to take the day off, which I did. Instead of going home and being stuck in my feelings, I grabbed my pug and drove to NH to my parents’ house. I ended up going on a 6.5 mile hike and it was really great and helped me feel a great deal better. I feel like if I take a leave and focus on self care by engaging in activities in nature and such that my body may have a better chance of healing. I feel like I need a break from an environment where my body in constantly being thrown into the stress response. I am still contemplating this decision but am leaning towards acting on it very soon. 
 

As far as scheduling time through it my day to try and relax and re-center myself, I will often step outside or go into my office and shut the blinds for a few and focus on breath. I also walk for 30 minutes every day on my lunch break, and this is usually the best part of my day. Yesterday, however, I had a weird panic attack that lasted just a few minutes when I was walking up a big hill (the same one I walk up every day) and it scared me. Just one more reason I’m terrified something actually is wrong with my heart. This usually doesn’t happen while walking on my break, so it definitely freaked me out. 

Im no longer working with a therapist as of a couple months ago as I felt like I had plateaued and wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore. I’ve seen therapists since I was 14 and this has been the continuous cycle I’ve gone through over and over again. As far as a 12 step program goes, the two addiction treatment centers I’ve been to were both 12 step based along with all of the many sober houses I have lived at. While I am not currently active in the recovery community, I have spent 2 solid years in active 12 step recovery. When I moved out of my last sober house, a year ago on the 15th of this month to be exact, I was going to meetings, attending my home-group, continuing to write 10th step inventory, meeting my sponsor and had just started working with my first sponsee. Once back in my own home, however, and not having to make house requirements, I got away from the program as I felt completely burnt out. While I’m grateful for AA and the steps, and credit them for getting me and keeping me sober, I needed to get away from constantly talking about my addiction/alcoholism. At this time I’m not interested in diving back into the program as I don’t think that is what I need right now to heal. I still think that the medicine I need lies somewhere in nature where it is tranquil and peaceful. Hopefully I can find it. 

[Mia1]

11 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I feel like if I take a leave and focus on self care by engaging in activities in nature and such that my body may have a better chance of healing. I feel like I need a break from an environment where my body in constantly being thrown into the stress response. I am still contemplating this decision but am leaning towards acting on it very soon. 

That’s fantastic, I really hope you get to take the time off and just focus on you. Nature really is so healing, it sounds like a great plan.

 

11 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

As far as scheduling time through it my day to try and relax and re-center myself, I will often step outside or go into my office and shut the blinds for a few and focus on breath. I also walk for 30 minutes every day on my lunch break, and this is usually the best part of my day.

It’s great you are taking this time for yourself and practicing self care.

 

11 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I still think that the medicine I need lies somewhere in nature where it is tranquil and peaceful. Hopefully I can find it. 

I believe we all know inside what is uniquely best for us to heal. It’s wonderful you are listening to your body. Nature is the great healer and is such a big part of my recovery as well. The only advice I would give you is to learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings. It’s when we react to them we experience suffering. Do this long enough and you will retrain your mind and body to stay calm. I can honestly say this was the last piece to my healing. It took me a while to trust it and practice it but I can say from experience and dealing with similar issues as you that it does work. I’m rooting for you!!

[getofflex]

@MaryMoo429It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness.  I, too, was once a member of 12 step groups - Al Anon, and AA.  They can help a lot, but I agree in that they focus so much on addiction and drinking.  Also, I feel that they label us too much, because one is expected to say "I'm **** and I'm an alcoholic".  My self identity is not that of an alcoholic, but I'm a beloved child of God.  I don't want to keep attaching a negative label to myself, as that leads to depression and anxiety.  

 

I know what you mean about the stress response.  Stress tends to send me into a wave.  I suppose that's because it triggers adrenaline.  Although most stressors in my life are unavoidable.  

12 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

@Mia1I recently have been thinking about taking a leave to see if it helps with my symptoms at all.

This sounds like a good idea.  I hope it works out for you.  I'm praying for you.  

[KenA]

12 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Just one more reason I’m terrified something actually is wrong with my heart

I also had a lot of strange issues with my heart as well as I was going through the healing process. Heart palpitations, blood pressure variations, changes in rhythm, feeling like my heart was gonna explode and other strange issues. I ended up going to the hospital and getting a stress test and nothing ended up being wrong. It was all from the anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. Almost 21 months later I can tell you that all the symptoms have gone. My heart feels completely normal now and I haven't had any issues in months!! Hang in there!!

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1Thank you for your compassion, empathy and support. I feel like I just "dump" all of my sh#* here without offering much in return. Hopefully I will one day be in a position to offer others hope and light as well. 

[MaryMoo429]

@getofflexas always, thanks for the continuous support and checking in with me regularly. Sometimes its nice to just be heard and feel validated when it seems like everyone else thinks your crazy. 

[MaryMoo429]

@KenAIt's nice to hear that you had similar issues which have now resolved. It gives me hope during a time where the majority of mine has been lost. 

 

Did you happen to get any anxious energy surges/ butterfly feelings in your chest? I get these frequently where I feel like I'm continuously being startled by someone. A burst of uncomfortable, startling energy rushes over my chest over and over again throughout the day, often times there seems to be no apparent trigger. This lingering anxious feeling is always looming in my stomach/chest waiting to "react." Once it starts reacting I feel like it continues to do so continuously, being set off by the littlest bit of stimuli. When it reaches this point there is little to do to control it but shut myself away somewhere in quiet away from other people. I've been wondering whether or not this could what adrenaline and/or cortisol spikes feel like? Only, this happens so frequently that its not a full-blown panic attack always but rather a bunch of episodic "bursts" of uncomfortable energy. I just would like to know what that physical feeling actually is, as its so upsetting and hard to manage. @getofflex @Mia1 This is another reason I am thinking about taking a 6 week leave. I met with my supervisor today for weekly supervision and we discussed me taking some time. Luckily I work for a non-profit that believes in/models excellent self-care by openly supporting and encouraging FMLA when needed.  

 

I just had my echocardiogram on Friday and I got the results yesterday which all said "normal." So now I have a normal EKG and a normal echocardiogram all within the past few months. I'm trying my best to pray for acceptance and the ability to trust my results but it can be so hard when I still, very much feel physically ill.   

[Wim1952]

Hello Mary Moo, 

wat a strong woman you are!

i admire Youre ability to fight back against all those terrible symptoms. You are getting  better just let time work for you. 
big hug Wim1952