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PSSD and emotionally numb


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i've had pssd for 2 years now and it only gets harder each year. what is there to even look forward to when you cant enjoy your life or even care about something? i may still have friends in this condition but just feels like im lying to them and pretending to care so that i can fit in or appear normal. i dont feel love or empathy because of PSSD, i kind of relate why people want to die this is such a nightmare to end up cold hearted, and im supposed to have self esteem and learn to love the new me? screw that having to accept that SSRI's made me into a sociopath and trying to believe that i'm still worthy of being loved is absurd. this is not who i am even if it makes me miserable i'll always reject this version of myself its not worth getting to know someone who's like this.

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Adam, no. Please don’t go there.

 

It’s not about trying to accept what’s happened to you, it’s about trying to find a way to maintain an acceptable social front.

 

Giving up on that means you either drive your friends away or you shut yourself away from them. I did the first when the depression initially set in and I hadn’t leaned to maintain an acceptable social front, and I still tend to do the second when I’m feeling really bad. It leaves you without any contact with other people, nobody to talk to, with nothing to help distract you from the hell of the symptoms that we suffer, and that is far worse than the effort needed to keep up a decent appearance. And as much as it may make you feel like you're living a lie, keeping up that appearance is way better than the alternative.

1999 - 2001: Paroxetine 20mg

1999 - December 2017: Lansoprazole 15mg

2003: Venlafaxine 75mg

2003 - 2014: Escitalopram 20mg

2014 - December 2017: Citalopram 20mg

December 2017: Mirtazapine 30mg, stopped after 4 days due to immediate bad reaction

December 2017: Zopiclone 3.75mg, stopped after 2 days due to immediate bad reaction

January 2018 - April 2018: Citalopram liquid, tapering, final dose 0.1mg

December 2018 onwards: Vitamin C 1000mg

Long term (for asthma): Salbutamol and Salmeterol inhalers

Occasional use for headaches: Paracetamol 40mg or Ibuprofen 40mg

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20 hours ago, PgadAdam said:

i've had pssd for 2 years now and it only gets harder each year. what is there to even look forward to when you cant enjoy your life or even care about something? i may still have friends in this condition but just feels like im lying to them and pretending to care so that i can fit in or appear normal. i dont feel love or empathy because of PSSD, i kind of relate why people want to die this is such a nightmare to end up cold hearted, and im supposed to have self esteem and learn to love the new me? screw that having to accept that SSRI's made me into a sociopath and trying to believe that i'm still worthy of being loved is absurd. this is not who i am even if it makes me miserable i'll always reject this version of myself its not worth getting to know someone who's like this.

Dear Adam, 

I am so so sorry you are going through this and for this long. I can't imagine how hard it must be. 

I went through about a year of feeling numb and dissociated from my surroundings - the only thing I could feel was a subtle disgust at everything and everyone. I didn't like people. I didn't understand them. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to live in this, what seemed, miserable world. I couldn't imagine buying things or wearing nice clothes or liking vacations. It slowly got better when I stopped cutting. I don't know your history and 2 years feels like a lot of time but I choose to believe that you will get better as well. 

 

I too withdrew from everyone. I didn't share what was going with me with most of my friends - there was a mixture of shame and fear that they wouldn't understand. During this time I focused on literally putting one foot in front of the other - going for a walk when I could, spent afternoons in the local gym's hot tub because it provided some sort of relief (exercise would make things worse). Slowly things started feeling better. 

 

You're making lots of assumptions there - that you are not worth loving in this state. But would you think that a friend who had difficulty relating to people or didn't feel anything would not be worth loving? Yes, this awful experience makes it hard to empathize or understand the joys of others but there is no reason to believe it won't get better. You don't want this version of you but it is also this version that wants you to believe that it is forever and it is this version of you that makes you feel awful for feeling awful. Don't trust this version. You will shed it eventually. But in the meantime, try to carry on step by step, pretend where you have to for the moment. This is temporary despite it feeling like it is not. You will persevere. You can share your burden with us when it gets too much. Hang in there!

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg ,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months (don't remember dates), trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up), occasionally did this in difficult times 

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax/day, then 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, April  14 , 2019 - citalopram 1.8 mg (liquid), May 8, 2019 - citalopram 1.6 mg (liquid),  July 27, 2019 - citalopram 1.5 mg (liquid),  August 15, 2019 - citalopram 1.35 (liquid)

 

 supplements:  melatonin 1 mg  

 

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