AndyPants: my story with Lexapro

[AndyPants]

I appear to have been celebrating a little too soon...I didn't sleep at all again last night. I laid down for two hours, after that I went and read for an hour, after that it was 2am and I decided to take one hydroxyzine and the other half of the melatonin tablet. I felt my body relax, but i didn't sleep and the tension and panic remained..I probably won't try hydroxyzine again since after a few tries it hasn't done anything for me.

 

I should have taken a lunesta in the night, at least then Im pretty sure I would have gotten at least some sleep.  But I worried about taking it too late at that point and being really out of it in the morning. I'm also really nervous about getting hooked on a heavy duty sleeping drug. I guess I'll take one tonight, just to ensure that I sleep and don't have two nights in a row of no sleep.

 

After a handful of days of pretty good sleep I really thought this insomnia phase had passed and thought I wouldn't have to worry about it again for a while. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook and not let this bad night get in my head too much, but it's hard. This is the worst.

[Dee12h]

Sorry! Hopefully it’s just a 1 night thing!

[purple]

When I had difficulty sleeping especially with thoughts running through my head, I'd put on a podcast or something to fall asleep to. I can't fully fall asleep to it tho so when I felt drowsy enough, I'd turn it off. I know some people can fall asleep to TV/radio/podcast/etc. Not sure if that could help for you but maybe worth a try.

 

When I first started therapy years ago, a group therapy peer told me, "3 steps forward, 2 steps back." That's what I tell myself when I've "celebrated too early," or have some setup that makes me feel like things are nearly impossible. I remind myself of that phrase and that I'm still moving in a forward trajectory even though it's slow.

[AndyPants]

TLDR: after a good week of sleep I had another night of insomnia, was panicky and anxious and couldn't get myself to relax.

 

I hadn't replied here or updated yet over the last week because of an irrational worry that I might 'jinx' it again or whatever, but last night I didn't sleep again.  The next night after the one I mentioned in my last post, I took a 3mg lunesta and had a solid night. I had several days sleep after that with no sleeping pill. I was taking 37.5mg CBD (I had previously said I had been doing 50mg, but it was actually 25, so I went up a bit), applying a homemade magnesium solve, and taking a quarter of a 1.25 melatonin tablet or .31 ish (I had been doing a half a one before, and wondered if maybe that was too much.)

 

The only thing different last night was that I took a magnesium pill before bed instead of the topical thing my wife made because the previous couple nights I felt it had caused some itchiness. I'm pretty sure I can narrow down why I didn't sleep last night to two things: one, I had pizza for dinner, and two, I got myself really worked up over something dumb. In the evening I sent a text message to a friend where I said something random and not very coherent, and then when they didn't respond right away I started getting more and more anxious. By bed time I was full on state of panic and couldn't relax. Things got worse when the pizza wasn't settling well and I kept repeatedly having to go to the bathroom.

 

After two hours I took half a lunesta, but between having to go to the bathroom and the tension and stress I was feeling, I think it prevented the sleeping pill from inducing sleep like I was hoping. After a bit I had another quarter of melatonin, and then a little while later I took some more cbd. I think those helped me relax a bit so I wasn't obsessing as much, but didn't help me sleep through the remainder of the night.

 

I need to make sure I eat better, that's something I feel I can more directly control. It's hard, because I often find myself drawn to unhealthy foods and don't always have the self control to stop myself. Still, it's something I can work on. But it is frustrating that something dumb and trivial can trigger such anxiety and panic that I can't relax and sleep.

 

I tried reaching out to a counselor/therapist in my area but they said they are all booked up right now. Guess I should keep looking.

 

@Dee12h Thanks for the encouragement, I keep hoping I'm past it.

 

@purple That is a really good perspective to have. It's just do hard when in the moment and your miserable with withdrawals to keep that in mind, but as long as you are overall moving forward that is a positive thing. (I've tried a podcast when I had my bad week a few weeks ago and it didn't work for me then but maybe I could give it a try again.)

 

I'm continuing to hold at 3.5mg liquid Lexapro.

 

[AndyPants]

I'm debating on taking my dose up higher. I've been at 3.5 for 13 days now, I just feel so stressed and anxious at the prospect of sleeping. The idea of going to bed here in a few hours has me so tense. This insomnia has really messed me up and the panic and prolonged anxiety I've felt over the past few weeks is nothing like anything I've ever felt before.

[purple]

On 5/13/2021 at 10:52 AM, AndyPants said:

@purple That is a really good perspective to have. It's just do hard when in the moment and your miserable with withdrawals to keep that in mind, but as long as you are overall moving forward that is a positive thing. (I've tried a podcast when I had my bad week a few weeks ago and it didn't work for me then but maybe I could give it a try again.)

 

Yes, definitely hard to do in the midst of misery. If you have the energy, keep trying different things and find what works for you.

[AndyPants]

Night before last I took a whole 3mg Lunesta pill and got a solid night's sleep. Last night I tried to not take one before bed, and after 2 1/2 hours of not sleeping I went and took a half a lunesta.  Thankfully I fell asleep after maybe 30 or 40 min after that.

 

I just felt so tense, there was this tightness in my chest and the later in the night it gets the more anxious and stressed I get about being anxious and stressed.  I just want my nights to go back to normal.

[AndyPants]

My sleep had mostly been okay since my last post up until last night, and yesterday I was even thinking that I should update that everything was good now and then had a terrible night of no sleep last night. If insomnia is a mental game I'm losing, apparently.

 

I have gone up for to 3.8mg liquid Lexapro after feeling like I hadn't stabilized on 3.5 but my struggles continue. I'm still having a hard time with my irritability, and getting panic-y over dumb things. My young son has been very defiant and pushes back on everything, which makes me get really frustrated with him and puts me in a bad place and then Im blowing up at my wife over stupid things...which is what happened last night, and I got myself so tense and worked up and guilty feeling about all of it that I couldn't relax. Also my stomach wasn't feeling good from a dinner we had and so between all that it kept me from sleeping I guess.

 

I think what I hate most is feeling like I'm a burden to my family. Anything, even insignificant and small things, can make me get tense and stressed and not a helpful or happy person to be around.  I have a first appointment with a therapist tomorrow so hopefully I can get some help managing all this.

 

Im also increasingly nervous that my job is going to go back into the office soon and if I'm still experiencing insomnia I really don't like the idea of driving in the morning on little to no sleep.

 

What I'm doing at night right now: 3.8mg liquid Lexapro and .375mg melatonin (a quarter of a 1.5 mg chewable tablet) about two hours before bed.  Then 50mg CBD tincture and 75mg magnesium one hour before bed.

 

(And in the mornings: men's daily vitamin, zinc, vitamin c, selenium, cod liver oil, and magnesium.)

[purple]

I read this the day you posted and didn't have enough energy to respond. I feel for you. I don't have a partner or kids but I feel like a burden to my family too. My moodiness and irritability have definitely affected them. What sucked to hear a few months ago from my brother (we all live in the same house) is that he said mom has to walk on eggshells around me.

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing therapy. I hope it's a good one/fit for you. I've had many good experiences with therapists though also a bad one and heard of a few unethical ones.

 

How was your first appointment?

[AndyPants]

Yeah that's exactly it, I hate feeling like people have to walk on eggshells around me. I don't like feeling like I create that kind of environment.

 

My first therapy appointment was good, very easy to talk to, I think she is going to work out.

 

As a sleep update, I've mostly been doing okay. One night where I couldn't fall asleep until after 3 AM but other that that most nights have been fine.

 

[purple]

Happy to hear that with the therapist and sleep!

 

Yes, I also don't like that I'm somehow creating that kind of environment around me. I get it though--until I resolve whatever is going on inside of me, it will be hard for those around me. Reminds me of how Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements opened up my eyes about how we view the world as an extension of ourselves.

[AndyPants]

Anxiety and panic are kicking me in the butt right now. Something dumb can kick off the panic and then even long since after when I should feel okay about whatever happened I still have this feeling of a weight pushing down on my chest.

[AndyPants]

Tough day, I was tense and stressed-feeling all day, with the consistent feeling in my chest that I described above.  I know there was a reason I decided to get off my medication...I didn't like being medically dependent on something and I felt the side effects were dampening my enjoyment of life.  But these things I've experienced during withdrawals, the depression and anxiety that I feel are worse than anything I felt both before starting Lexapro and while I was on a full dose. Despite knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like a small light, small enough that it makes me question myself of getting off the medication in the first place.

 

There probably isn't a great time get off an SSRI, but 2020 in retrospect was a probably still a particularly complicated time to do it. These last few months my WD symptoms got severely worse, which has compounded some challenges at home. I made a job change last year that I pretty much right away realized was not the right choice, and dealing with that frustration while going through all this other stuff has been so challenging.

 

I don't know where I'm going with all this, I don't want to treat this thread too much like my teenage journal but it is helpful to talk about. I guess to sum up I'm feeling a little hopeless and regretful. The way forward feels a little murky at times.

[purple]

I feel like this is that kind of journal but I think that might be the purpose/intention of it? It's kind of what I'm using it for at least.

 

Sorry you're going through all that. I question too whether I should accept just being on it. And I'm still in somewhat disbelief that this medication is so powerful and dependency-causing. It looks from your sig that you were on it for several years. Perhaps that could be why the WD is so bad?

 

It also looks like the taper was a bit rapid in the beginning. Have you checked out the tapering schedules that are recommended on this forum?

 

I didn't know until I came across this forum that lexapro was so potent and had such a long half-life.

 

The way forward can feel murky. Sometimes, I feel it and other ways it feels clear. Probably a silly thing I did (but helps make me feel better), I drew up a unicorn card yesterday or was it a couple days ago? (Time is moving oddly for me.) It read, "There is a rainbow beyond the clouds." This is the first time I've ever bought a "deck" of cards like this but when I saw it at a bookstore, the little girl in me really wanted it and I remembered how I used to love unicorns as a kid. Anyway, just wanted to share that with you. I kind of like that better than the usual "There's a light at the end of the tunnel."

[AndyPants]

I slept only a few ish hours tonight, woke up at 3 AM and couldn't fall back asleep. It's been a couple hours since then and I'm giving up. This seems to be a weird new thing for me this week. Instead of having trouble falling asleep at the start of the night, I've been falling asleep okay but then waking up too early (though no other day this week has been THIS early) and not being able to fall back asleep. I don't know what to do to get myself to sleep through the night anymore.

 

I've been taking about a third of my 1.5 melatonin tablets (they're small round chewables so it's hard to actually get even cuts so that hadn't really been a consistent dosage) and I've gone from doing 50mg cbd at night to 25 in the morning and 25 before bed. Still taking 3.8 mg liquid Lexapro, so it's been a little over a month now at that dosage. I'd really like to be able to feel like my sleep is in a steady place before tappering again, but right now I don't know if or when that will be. Everytime I start to think my sleep is getting better I seem to jinx it by thinking that and things get hard again.

[AndyPants]

Another tough night last night, I went to bed early at 9:30 but didn't fall asleep until after 2.  I was able to sleep in at least so that was good, but that was a long miserable time trying to get to sleep before that. I took hydroxyzine at 11, so I'm not sure if it just took a very long time to take affect or if it didn't do anything. I still felt hung over in the morning after I woke up, so it feels like I got the bad side effects of it without getting the benefits. I've had mixed experiences with it previously, but i would generally speaking rather try it than the Lunesta since that is much more heavy duty and addictive.

 

I had some things that I really wanted to get done this weekend and just couldn't with how crappy I'm feeling with these bad nights this week. Is it possible for a wave to last 2 months? I was hoping I would have stabilized by now, but I just haven't quite been able to get out of this bad spot I've been in. Everytime I start to think I'm out the universe seems to slap me back down.

 

[purple]

I'm sorry, that's really awful. Cruel how our minds play tricks on us, it seems. From my own experience, I believe it is possible to be in a wave for 2 months. From what I've read around here, it seems things get super tricky at the lower dosages which I'm not at yet but it looks like you're around there.

 

Our bodies are all so different. I'm planning on going even slower with my taper since it seems like my system is super sensitive. Perhaps yours is too and/or the lower dosages is making it hard.

 

I forget, have you tried any behavioral changes like sleep hygiene?

I've been trying to not get my hopes up when I feel like I'm out even though I still do. It's hard to be still in the midst of this but I do believe that may be the best way through--at least for me.

[AndyPants]

Been a little over a week and thought I should check in. One night since my last post I ended up taking a Lunesta because I had a really bad day and was not in a good place and didn't think I was going to be able to sleep (I probably should have tried first but not much to do about it now).  Other than that, I have been sleeping actually really well.

 

@purple, I wasn't familiar with the term sleep hygiene but yeah I think that is what has been working for me this past week. I've settled into a routine that seems to be working.

 

Each night I shower, watch something mindless to help me relax (on Netflix "dream home makeover" and "the worlds most amazing vacation rentals" are working well for this"), then I get ready for bed and then read for 30 - 1 hour. I've been turning on a fan a couple hours prior to going to bed to get the room a little cooler.  The reading before bed is something I've done for a long time, but the change I made this past week was doing it not in the bedroom. Usually I have always read in bed, but now I'm doing it out of bed with the idea that I don't want to lay down until I'm ready to sleep. I want my brain to associate laying in bed at night with sleeping.  I've also been using a white noise machine (lectro fan evo on the 'surf' setting)

 

So some combination of all of that seems to be working. I'm continuing each night to take 1/3 (ish) of my 1.5 mg melatonin tablets, and 25 mg CBD, along with applying a magnesium solve my wife made to my chest. I have stuck to 3.8 mg Lexapro and don't know when I'll feel up to trying to taper again.

 

It's a relief to feel like my nights are getting back on track, though I struggle during the day. Intrusive thoughts, ocd things like checking locks multiple times, obsessively guilting myself over things (some legit and some not) and just generally not feeling at ease with life. Therapy seems to be helping a bit, but I still feel like I'm regularly in a bad head space.

[purple]

Glad to hear the sleep is going better and making those little behavioral changes to help. Yes, that definitely sounds like sleep hygiene steps to me! I've been having a little insomnia myself and will have to try that out with reading somewhere else and associating bed with sleep only.

 

Sounds like it's best for you to go slow and easy at this point.

 

Something that I learned from meditation is that there is a "me" that is separate from my thoughts and separate from my feelings. When I can/remember to, I remind myself that I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. There's a space where I can make the choice of keeping some thoughts and letting go of other ones. Some feelings I can trust; other ones are not so trustworthy and just mess with me. I'm glad you can identify those intrusive thoughts and feelings that don't serve you.

 

I noticed that for myself, therapy took a long time and so did meditation. They can both be quite uncomfortable (I noticed just how negative and mean I was to myself) in the beginning or just not seem like they make much of a difference. Just like with this tapering process, it will take time and continued effort to do the "right" things (like sleep hygiene and taking care of yourself) for us to reach that end. It's very trying but the best we can do is treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, listening and trusting our bodies to tell us when we can make the next move.

 

[purple]

Needed a break from work and about to watch the world's most amazing vacation rentals. Thought of you, thanks for the rec!

[AndyPants]

Well, in the last couple weeks I had only had one night where I had trouble falling asleep, so that's good. Unfortunately staying asleep a full eight hours I'm still having a hard time with. This morning I woke up at four AM, feeling nauseous and achy. Not sure if the feeling sick to my stomach is because of stress, or because I tried fish oil for the first time yesterday, or maybe I just had too much to eat for dinner. But waking up so early when I don't need to be is super frustrating.

 

I'm struggling a lot with anxiety and depression right now. Even though I'm sleeping alright, during the day I mostly feel unhappy and discontent with life. @purple, I think that's one of things I have a hard time with, sorting out those trustworthy thoughts and feelings with the ones that are being exaggerated by anxiety.

[purple]

Glad to hear about the improvement in sleep.

 

Yeah, it is hard and frustrating to sort them out. And also to figure out what caused what like the nausea. At this point, I'm trying to figure it all out less and just accept them as things that happen and that will pass sooner or later.

[AndyPants]

So it occured to me that this week it's been two months since I've been at 3.8 mg, I'm not sure if or when I'll feel ready to try tappering again.

[MrBamse]

Hi Andy,

 

Just wanted to say hello and sorry this happened to you.

 

Nice to hear that youre sleep is improving, insomnia can be a real pain in the a***. Often when I'm having problems sleeping, I put on a radio at low volumes. This lessens the anxious and depressive thoughs.

[AndyPants]

Had a bad night again last night, at least I got a partial nights sleep and that's a small victory. Haven't had a fully sleepless night for a while and most nights have been OK. I have to remember that, remember not only that things have been worse but that it didn't kill me, even when I thought it was going to.  It's hard sometimes. I focus a lot on the negatives, without acknowledging the good in my life.

 

I had been thinking yesterday about whether it was time to tapper again, but then after my night I don't know what to do. Maybe it's time to just do it, even if things aren't perfect? I'm at two months now, maybe another month wouldn't hurt though? I just dunno.

 

@MrBamse, thanks for your comment and the suggestion. I'll try and remember that one.

[purple]

We're wired with a negativity bias so it's not just you. It does take work to see and acknowledge the good. However, that does seem to work like a muscle where it gets easier over time. But then once I lose it, I need to rebuild it again.

 

Yeah, another month won't hurt and may end up being better in the long run?

 

 

[AndyPants]

Had a bad night a few nights ago, and a couple good night's since. Similar to other bad nights I've had recently I took hydroxyzine after a couple hours of attempting to sleep, which took a while after that to take affect and leaves me feeling weird and bad in the morning. I just always panic and feel like I have to take it or I won't sleep, but it doesn't result in a great night anyway.

 

Most days I'm sleeping pretty well though, which is good. But during the day I still feel pretty tired, irritable, anxious and just generally having a hard time having enthusiasm for life much of the time. I'm hoping things get better.

 

 

[Greatful]

 @AndyPants  I wanted let you know you are doing a super job keeping  it together.  Not a easy thing with a young family.  I would recommend that you wait until you feel stable before you drop down on your Lexapro.  I just worry that you may end up in trouble quickly.  Patience is very hard, but will help  you in the long run.  

 

I was wondering if you have taken sometime to read through some of the threads on the  Symptoms & Self-Care forum?  It is a big resource of information for  just about anything you want to know about w/d symptoms.  Members sharing their experiences and sharing some coping skills that worked for them. 

 

The success stories forum is also a good one to read.  It truly is amazing the will power and strength it takes to go through the process of getting off these very strong and brain changing drugs.

 

I see that  purple has commented on meditation. It really does help stop engaging with your thoughts. Especially helpful in w/d where you thought and emotions are morphed and can get overwhelming.  Arguing or trying to reason with your thoughts only intensifies the thoughts and then you end up in a spiral of panic.

 

Yes you should use your thread as a journal.  It also is a place to express yourself, connect with other members, and get encouragement.

 

 

  

[AndyPants]

Another night of insomnia, I'm not sure if I slept or how much sleep I got if I did.  I don't know if anyone can relate to that, being in bed for so long and not checking the time for a while I wonder did I fall asleep or I'm just so lost in my thoughts and zoned out for a while that I lost track of time?  If I slept it probably was at most a couple hours.  Didn't take any sleeping drugs in the night this time.  Dinner didn't sit well with me and I was feeling nauseous, so that might have been part is the problem for sleeping. Between my stomach feeling bad this morning and the lack of sleep I feel pretty terrible today.

 

@Greatful thank you for your words and feedback. I have poked around in the symptoms forum but haven't looked at it a ton so I should do that more.  I definitely felt that spiraling thoughts last night when I was panicking about not sleeping.

[AndyPants]

Slept alright the last couple nights, but during the day I've been in a pretty bad place. I've basically been feeling sick to my stomach and nauseous all the time for a few days now, and my thoughts have all felt really hopeless and I just feel generally unhappy.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants I am sorry that things are getting rough for you.  What you are describing is pretty typical for W/D.

I also have times where I feel hopeless and my thoughts start to get away from me.  Remind yourself that you are think with a unhealthy mind and things are distorted.

 

Are you meditating?  What type of coping skills are you using.  It is important too find coping skills to work through the rough times. 

 

This is helpful sometimes when the days are tough and long.

I made it through yesterday, I can make it through today and I will let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.😊

"I am okay at this time".     This one will ground you to the moment.

 

Hang in there😊

 

[AndyPants]

@Greatful

I've been listening to some guided meditations lately, and those I have found to sometimes be helpful and sometimes I can't focus on it and pull out of whatever panic or spiral that I'm currently in.

 

I've been doing therapy for maybe three months now, and my therapist never brings up medication or anything and so it has been good overall and helpful, but I definitely could use more coping techniques.

 

I've tried regular breathing meditation a few years back but struggled a lot with it. I always get really restless and antsy and uncomfortable. Would certainly appreciate any ideas on how to try it again or other things to try.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  I can do one better,  I will send @Mia1 your way.  She is such a great teacher.  She has a really good handle on meditation and acceptance.  I am learning a lot from her.  

 

I am glad that you are working with a therapist.  I have been seeing mine for awhile and she is really there for me.

 

 

[AndyPants]

Another night of insomnia. Similar to a few days ago, I'm not sure if I got a small amount of sleep or no sleep, but either way I feel like crap. When I laid down I remembered a few things I needed to get done today which got me tense and worked up. I'm not sure if that was what caused me to not sleep but it probably didn't help.  I hate this so much.

 

[Mia1]

Hi @AndyPants stopping by to offer encouragement and support. My first month after I ct’ed MMJ I barely slept, I would sleep maybe 1-2 hours every 2 nights. It was during this time that I developed sleep anxiety. It’s very similar to what you’re describing, you start to worry that you won’t sleep and therefore you won’t be able to function which pretty much guarantees you’re not going to sleep. I really fought this because I wanted to sleep so badly. It was months before I accepted that forcing myself to sleep and thinking about it and worrying all the time was not going to help me. I had to accept that my sleep was not great.

 

So what I did was shifted the focus off sleep and put it on resting. My goal is never to sleep, just rest. You have to really mean this though, it can’t be faked. If you can truly put the focus on resting then you take the pressure off and you can relax enough to actually sleep. This works so well because sleep anxiety is actually a performance anxiety. Even if you don’t sleep you don’t worry about it, you’ve had sleepless nights before and you’ve always gotten through the next day. We can endure and adapt to much more than we realize. 

 

When I go to bed I put sleep sounds on and I will focus on that. When my mind wanders I just tell myself that this is my time to rest, thinking can wait, and focus back on the sleep sounds or my breath. It’s very relaxing. It’s important to start to train your brain to respond in this way. That when you go to bed you rest. 

 

I definitely recommend a daily meditation practice, it’s what ultimately helped me the most. I’m going to share a guided one with you that has helped me to create the space between me and the thoughts/feelings. It’s also great for managing anxiety and other intense emotions like anger. We are not the emotions we experience. Once you start to create the space through meditation you will see this and it will become easier to manage.

 

 I hope this has helped, I’m here for you😊

 

 

 

 

 

[AndyPants]

On 8/6/2021 at 7:17 AM, Mia1 said:

It was during this time that I developed sleep anxiety. It’s very similar to what you’re describing, you start to worry that you won’t sleep and therefore you won’t be able to function which pretty much guarantees you’re not going to sleep. I really fought this because I wanted to sleep so badly.

 

@Mia1, thank you so much for commenting.  What you described here is exactly what I've been going through, it does help to know that I'm not alone in this.

 

On 8/6/2021 at 7:17 AM, Mia1 said:

So what I did was shifted the focus off sleep and put it on resting. My goal is never to sleep, just rest. You have to really mean this though, it can’t be faked. If you can truly put the focus on resting then you take the pressure off and you can relax enough to actually sleep. This works so well because sleep anxiety is actually a performance anxiety. Even if you don’t sleep you don’t worry about it, you’ve had sleepless nights before and you’ve always gotten through the next day. We can endure and adapt to much more than we realize. 

When I go to bed I put sleep sounds on and I will focus on that. When my mind wanders I just tell myself that this is my time to rest, thinking can wait, and focus back on the sleep sounds or my breath.

 

This all makes logical sense, I think the hard part for me would be letting thoughts go and focusing on breath.  The couple times I've attempted to get into mindfulness stuff that's been a hard hurdle for me.  I have trouble letting thoughts go and whenever I focus on my breath I start trying to control and deepen my breath rather than breathing normally.  But I usually didn't stick with it long enough or do it with enough repetition, so that was my problem I'm guessing.

 

I just put so much pressure on sleeping every night right now that I go to bed feeling really tense because I'm so worried I won't sleep.  And that combined with the fact that I'm emotionally a mess right now and can't stop ruminating on everything going on in life just is not working at all for my sleep or for feeling at peace with life.  I'll start trying what you've suggested, hearing that others have had success with working through this helps so much!

 

(Also, I did the meditation you linked and it was very nice and calming, thank you!)