AndyPants: my story with Lexapro

[Mia1]

10 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I think the hard part for me would be letting thoughts go and focusing on breath.  The couple times I've attempted to get into mindfulness stuff that's been a hard hurdle for me.  I have trouble letting thoughts go and whenever I focus on my breath I start trying to control and deepen my breath rather than breathing normally.  But I usually didn't stick with it long enough or do it with enough repetition, so that was my problem I'm guessing.

Yes, this takes consistent practice. That’s why having a daily meditation practice is so important, you are practicing observing your thoughts and letting them go. You’re also creating space in meditation to see you are not the thoughts and feelings you have, you are the one observing them. So keep meditating, even if it’s only 10 or 15 minutes a day. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now, it makes a difference.

 

 Listening to sleep sounds at night is really soothing and helps to keep the focus off your thinking. Remember, you’re retraining your brain so this is not something you will be perfect at right away. If you keep doing this though and directing the focus off your thoughts and onto sleep sounds it will get easier over time. I was very much like you and hyper focused on my thoughts. The idea that I would be able to focus off my anxious thoughts, especially OCD thoughts, seemed impossible. I stuck with it though and I can tell you it can be done and it does get easier, you just have to put the work in.

10 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I just put so much pressure on sleeping every night right now that I go to bed feeling really tense because I'm so worried I won't sleep.  And that combined with the fact that I'm emotionally a mess right now and can't stop ruminating on everything going on in life just is not working at all for my sleep or for feeling at peace with life.  I'll start trying what you've suggested, hearing that others have had success with working through this helps so much!

 Yes, I completely understand this. So take the worry of sleep away by giving yourself permission to not sleep, put the focus on rest. If you do this then there’s no more stress, tension or anxiety about not sleeping. I know this can seem crazy because you want to sleep, right? But because sleep anxiety is a performance anxiety you have to take away the pressure. So it’s paradoxical, by giving yourself permission to not sleep you’re ensuring that you’ll most likely sleep. 

 

Like I said before though you really have to mean it. Just put the focus on resting and relaxing as deeply as you can and don’t focus on your thoughts. If you don’t sleep well it’s very important you don’t react to it. It will do nothing to help the situation and will only reinforce the sleep anxiety. You accept it and go about your day as calmly and mindfully as you can. By doing this consistently you are breaking the habit of your sleep anxiety. You are telling your brain that if you don’t sleep or sleep well it’s okay. When your brain gets the message it’s okay it stops worrying about sleep. When you don’t worry about sleep you sleep, see how that works?

 

What we focus on creates our reality so if we’re constantly focused on everything that will go wrong then that’s all we see. Acceptance is such a big part of this journey because when we accept a situation we are essentially giving ourselves permission to stop thinking about it. You’re not resigning yourself to this life, you’re just saying “okay, right now my life is like this. I’m going to meditate and practice mindfulness and other non drug coping skills. I’m going to do everything I can to change it for the better but beyond that I’ll accept whatever happens as part of the learning experience. I won’t worry about it because everything will work out.” And it really will.

 

You are definitely not alone and things will get better.💗

[Surviving82]

On 8/7/2021 at 10:28 PM, AndyPants said:

I just put so much pressure on sleeping every night right now that I go to bed feeling really tense because I'm so worried I won't sleep.  And that combined with the fact that I'm emotionally a mess right now and can't stop ruminating on everything going on in life just is not working at all for my sleep or for feeling at peace with life.  I'll start trying what you've suggested, hearing that others have had success with working through this helps so much!

@AndyPants, I can relate to this 100%. Being so desperate to sleep and having so much anxiety about not sleeping, and also ruminating about anything and everything. I think that my sleep started improving after I gave myself permission to not sleep. I also accepted that my body knows what it's doing, and when it really needs sleep I will sleep. I remember the breaking point, after the night that I got no sleep at all. That night seemed like it will never end, and then the next day was even worse. I didn't know how I was going to survive the next sleepless night. All I did was repeating to myself, my body knows what it is doing. I will not die from the lack of sleep. When I really need to sleep, I will sleep. And then toward the evening something happened with my attitude, I guess I really believed it? Not sure. Anyhow, by 9PM I started feeling really sleepy, so I laid down and I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I slept the whole night and woke up around 7AM so refreshed. That experience gave me faith that my body really knows when it needs sleep, and it will sleep when it is time. After that my sleep started improving. I do think that big part of it is accepting that eventually, you will sleep (everybody does). Good luck to you, and I hope that your sleep improves very soon!

[Surviving82]

@AndyPants, what also helped me I think to sleep better, is cultivating the thought that my bed is a safe place. I work from home so I am at home most of the time, I have "allowed" myself to worry and be anxious anywhere in the house except when I am in bed. My bed is my safe place, anxiety-free zone. I worried before I went to bed, I can worry again after I get up. But while I am in bed, it is time to relax. Nothing bad will happen to me, and whatever is that needs worrying, can wait till the morning. It works best when it gets dark, somewhere around twilight I turn the lamp on my night stand on, and that is my sign that I am entering the calm, restful time. It is my ritual of sorts, so my brain knows when I do that, it is time to calm down and prepare for sleep. It doesn't work instantly or every time, but it does help me most of the nights. Maybe you should try something like that too? 

[Mia1]

How are you doing @AndyPants?

[AndyPants]

@Mia1 thanks for checking in on me and all your advice.  I'm doing okay. I've been working on your suggestion on trying to ease the pressure regarding sleep and put the goal on resting. In the evening I've stopped trying to obsess about sleeping and just trying to relax and let myself enjoy watching tv with my wife and reading and just let myself relax. I have my sleep sounds going at night and that's working well. Last week I took NyQuil for four or five days because I got a bad cold, but this week I haven't taken any and mostly slept pretty good. Meditation is not going quite as well and I still need to work on getting into a routine of doing that.

 

I feel a little bit like life is kicking me in the butt right now and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I've been forgetful about getting some things done and just haven't been on top of stuff. I've been applying for jobs because I've been worried that my job would return to the office and I hate the commute, but it hasn't been going well. I'm not sure I'm mentally in the right place for a job search, so I might take a break and cross my fingers that I can stay remote a while longer.

 

@Surviving82 thanks for your support and comments. I work from home in my bedroom so yeah it can be hard sometimes to keep that separated. I used to lay down and read before bed but now I've been reading in a chair in a different room instead, to hopefully signal to my brain that the bed is the place for resting and sleep. I've still had bad nights since I started doing that so I don't know if it 100% helps but that's something I've tried.

 

 

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  I am glad to see some improvement regarding your sleep.

9 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I feel a little bit like life is kicking me in the butt right now and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I've been forgetful about getting some things done and just haven't been on top of stuff.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  WD is very tough to go through. It makes everything that much harder.... I bet everyone of us will say the same thing.  I would guess you could say that WD is kicking your butt not life.  

 

9 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I've been worried that my job would return to the office and I hate the commute,

You could always ask if you can stay working remote.  If you really needed to you could explain (however much you are comfortable with) what you are dealing with.  I know kenA talked about going to his boss and his boss adjust things at work for him.  You could talk to him about how he went about talking to his boss.(you can do a private message to him if you want)

 

Hang in there, you are doing a great job taking some control back in dealing with WD........

[AndyPants]

Really struggling with staying positive right now. I just have a cloud of dread hanging over me. Life just seems hard and hopeless. I beat myself up regularly for the rushed and poor decisions I made throughout the years I was on the drug, and don't feel confident in how things will turn out in the future.  I really want to feel at peace with life but I think I'm as far from feeling peaceful as one can be.

 

Also, I had a little heart palpitations over the last few days which was weird. The only time I had those was after my two big drops from 20 to 10 mg and from 10 to 5 mgs.

 

@Greatful, yeah that is something to consider, I'm not sure how they would respond to that but something to think about.

 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, AndyPants said:

I beat myself up regularly for the rushed and poor decisions I made throughout the years I was on the drug, and don't feel confident in how things will turn out in the future. 

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Rumination of the past is a common w/d symptom for many, it’s important to remember to be kind to yourself. And forgive yourself, this is how you stop the rumination. You did the best you could in the moment. You cannot change the past by thinking about it, you can only do something about right now. So right now choose to let this go knowing that you are making better and informed decisions today.  And remember, mistakes are actually good, we can’t learn without them!!

 

When we beat ourselves up that can add to a loss of confidence in ourselves and that loss of confidence can definitely have us worrying about the future. But thinking about the future doesn’t help us either, we must stay in the present and trust that everything is going to work out, it always does whether we worry about it or not so choose to give yourself peace today. Being hard on ourselves also creates anxiety and it sounds like you are experiencing that with the sense of doom and heart palpitations. 

 

You have the ability to give yourself peace right now. Accept that the past is done and the future is uncertain. Accept your w/d symptoms. Start to develop a kind relationship with yourself that includes a lot of compassion and positive self talk. Explore coping skills that work for you such as meditation, deep breathing, being in nature, mindfulness, etc. Work on yourself like it’s the most important thing you have to do because it is. You are worth it ❤️

[purple]

Really sorry about what you're going through. Withdrawal is so rough and really wreaks a lot of havoc with our minds. I'm going through similar thoughts about decisions I've made in recent years and how my future is going to look like though it's hard to even think that far at this point.

 

Continuing to send you support from afar.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants @purple  I know it is hard to let things go, I struggle with this also.  Why is it so easy to haul old baggage with us but is so hard to write new story lines for ourselves.  

Look backwards to pain and regret or move forward to better times.  So many have talked about learning about themselves and growing within themselves when the are in on the horrendous and  trying time in their life.

 

The best thing we can do for ourselves right now is stay in the day we have right now.   If we dwell on the past either good or bad, we feel pain.....If we try to look to far a head it can look bleak and daunting because we are looking at it through eyes that are filtered with the pain we are in right now.   

 

Hang in there, we will be writing our success stories before we know it🎉

[AndyPants]

Didn't have the best night last night, I did still get some sleep but it took me a long time to fall asleep and I was up a couple times in the night I think.  I actually was having a pretty alright day before that though.  Work was decently productive, went on a good walk, but then a couple hours before bed something happened that spiked my stress and anxiety a bunch.  It was hard when I got in bed not to obsess over it and dwell on it.  My stomach started feeling sick too and I had some heart palpitations.  I hate that I can't shrug off things, to the point where I allow my stress to make me physically sick and disrupt my sleep.

 

One thing I know I need to work on in life is to stop wasting time online.  The internet just gobbles up my time and leaves me feeling empty, like junk food.  Then I don't have time for meditating or other things for self improvement and working on my anxiety issues.  If anyone has advice on overcoming bad habits like spending too much time on Facebook and Twitter I would appreciate it.

On 8/23/2021 at 10:11 AM, Mia1 said:

When we beat ourselves up that can add to a loss of confidence in ourselves and that loss of confidence can definitely have us worrying about the future. But thinking about the future doesn’t help us either, we must stay in the present and trust that everything is going to work out, it always does whether we worry about it or not so choose to give yourself peace today. Being hard on ourselves also creates anxiety and it sounds like you are experiencing that with the sense of doom and heart palpitations. 

@Mia1, yeah this is something I need to work on a lot, it feels daunting but I know its what will help me.

 

@Greatful @purple Thank you all for stopping in and your support, it helps a lot, I really need it right now.

[purple]

It's nice to be able to support each other and know we're all in this together.

 

In the past, I've removed/unfollowed everyone from my FB newsfeed so it'd be a blank page whenever I went on the site. It is tedious though. I've also heard of apps and extensions that help limit your time on the webpages you choose.

[Mia1]

5 hours ago, AndyPants said:

but then a couple hours before bed something happened that spiked my stress and anxiety a bunch. 

I think it’s a fantastic idea to limit social media. It can be stimulating on the CNS to have too much screen time before bed, I would suggest a body scan meditation to relax you for sleep instead. Have you tried the sleep sounds?

[AndyPants]

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

I think it’s a fantastic idea to limit social media. It can be stimulating on the CNS to have too much screen time before bed, I would suggest a body scan meditation to relax you for sleep instead. Have you tried the sleep sounds?

Yeah so I picked up a white noise machine that has an ocean surf sound setting and I've been doing that at night and I think it's helped.

[AndyPants]

It's been a tough couple of days, I've just been in a perpetual state of anxiety and tenseness since Tuesday evening, basically. I won't get into it too much here, but tried to call out some people in my wife's family on some crappy behavior.  My wife's feelings had been hurt and I felt I needed to say something. The response I received was condescending and frustrating.  Maybe that was because of how I worded it, maybe it was because it came from me and not my wife...well, maybe other folks here can sympathize with over-analyzing stuff like this.

 

I've been stewing on it since, feeling upset still about the behavior and angry about the response to it.  I've gone over in my head what I want to say back to them all about it and even written put a long scathing message to them all (just in my notes, never sent).  In moments of clarity, between the waves of tension and frustration, I know it's not the hill to die on. There will be other battles with family, and dredging this up probably won't do any good.

 

The truth is, I don't know how to let things go. I've never been good about moving on. I sit in the things, I keep bringing things up, I let them consume me.  And I hate it. It's not good for my mental health to obsess and over-analyze.  It's something I really want to change about myself, because when combined with the withdrawals it gets magnified to a degree that is making me lose my mind.

[Mia1]

@AndyPantsI literally just finished this book called Letting Go of Nothing by Peter Russel and I highly recommend you read it if you struggle to let go. It’s simple but profound.

 

 I’m sorry you’re dealing with added stress but honestly it sounds like you’re handling it pretty well. Do you experience neuro emotions? That’s been a big one for me and I found a lot of these emotionally charged thoughts can quickly turn into OCD thoughts, the pull to think about them can be so strong. The trick really is to let it go, you have good insight.

 

 

[purple]

It's hard to let things go and I'm glad you realize it's not the hill to die on.

 

Inside and outside of my meditation practices, I like to remind myself that I live wherever my thoughts live. The thoughts we have are usually ruminating over the past or worrying about the future. They're rarely about the present moment where we can find more stillness and peace. Perhaps trying to remind yourself of that and focusing on each breath, noticing each detail of inhalation and exhalation could help. You could also find another activity to take yourself out of that headspace, knowing that each time you practice moving away from those thoughts, it's like a muscle that is getting stronger and it'll become easier with practice to let go of circumstances that aren't under our control. Even changing your posture or moving could move you out of a certain headspace.

[AndyPants]

@Mia1 I wasn't familiar with that term before but found the symptom thread for it and definitely think that is something I've experienced, and it can be pretty miserable.  That helps to be able to name it! I'll look up that book as well, thank you.

 

@purple Yeah that all makes sense. I feel like I get so stuck in my own head it can be hard to get out. 

[AndyPants]

Ugh. I just want to stop reliving things and obsessing over things and to just have peace in my heart. I don't know why I that is so elusive.  I've been tense all day and particularly right at this moment. It's the worst.

 

[purple]

I'm glad Mia1 brought up neuroemotions. I believe akasthisia could apply here too. Last year, before I had learned about tapering, I had completely gone off of Lexapro and was in severe withdrawal. I remember how restless and stuck in my head I was. It was such a relief when I found out about antidepressant withdrawal and realized that it wasn't completely me. So, just a reminder that this isn't you or your baseline and that it will pass even though it feels forever in the moment. These drugs seriously mess up our nervous system and make it go completely bonkers! It's not your fault.

[Mia1]

9 hours ago, AndyPants said:

Ugh. I just want to stop reliving things and obsessing over things and to just have peace in my heart.

There’s a really good thread on here about changing the channel when stuck in thought, you should check it out. The pull to think about these things can feel so strong in recovery so it’s important to note that you are stuck in a thought and pull yourself out of it by focusing on something else. Choose not to think about the thought, not to follow it or engage it in a conversation. This is letting go. It can be hard at first but with enough practice it can become your natural response. When we learn to  let go of our thoughts we can give ourselves tremendous peace of mind.

[AndyPants]

Last night I was really tense about something and had a hard time falling asleep.  Tried changing the channel by getting out of bed and reading (I've been reading Jane Austin novels before bed since they're very chill) and then listening to a couple meditations, and when I came back it still didn't happen right away but I did fall asleep sometime after 1 so I'm glad at least I still got some sleep.

 

I'm going to be flying this week for the first time since 2019, I'm feeling pretty nervous about it.

[Mia1]

12 hours ago, AndyPants said:

Tried changing the channel by getting out of bed and reading (I've been reading Jane Austin novels before bed since they're very chill) and then listening to a couple meditations, and when I came back it still didn't happen right away but I did fall asleep sometime after 1 so I'm glad at least I still got some sleep.

Good job changing the channel  @AndyPants this is really great progress!! 

 

12 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I'm going to be flying this week for the first time since 2019, I'm feeling pretty nervous about it.

Understandable, just remember to practice really good self care. Good luck, you’ll be great!!

[AndyPants]

Traveling was difficult. During the flight I was in full blown panic mode. I'm already anxious and claustrophobic on planes so having to wear a mask the whole time amplifies those feelings for me in a major way (and getting our kid to keep his on the whole time - a whole other stresser. May be the last time we try and fly until a day when the world is past covid...)

 

I didn't sleep well last night and the start of the trip has been rocky. Some stuff hasn't gone ideally so far because I didn't plan things well.  I think my wife would have taken the lead on more planning if I'd let her but I told her I would take care of things and then I didn't.  Probably planning a trip during AD withdrawals isn't the best, but it's not like we can totally put our lives on hold. I think I just need to find a better system for keeping track of the things I need to do since I've been struggling with that. Also need to be more willing to ask for help.

 

I'm having a hard time enjoying myself 

because I'm beating myself up about the things I am not doing better at, but I need to work on trying to put set that stuff aside. It's lessons for the future but can't do anything about what's already happened.  It isn't as though I've always had my life totally together, but certainly since started my journey of trying to get off the meds I'm struggling more with keeping track of everything on my plate.

[Greatful]

 @AndyPants  You are doing great!  I know how hard it is to travel and be away from home when  you are in the middle of WD.  My heart goes out to you.  Do the best you can and really try to be kind to yourself.  I did the same thing beat myself up, I should be stronger, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. This will only make it worse.... I know easier said then done....

 

These meds are torturous on our brain.   I can't believe the damage they do.   Remind yourself it is the brain injury from your meds that are making you hurt. 

 

Today  I am experiencing some D/R, panic and anxiety.  I had to remind myself that these are just sensation in my body and nothing else, the can't hurt you and they only reach a certain intensity and will never get worse.  Breath and refocus.............

For the D/R I remind myself I am really here and that it is my brain disconnecting to make me feel half in reality, so don't panic and try and force yourself to connect to reality.  This is a never ending battle, but it you really turn yourself over to it and stop fighting it, it will feel less scary.

 

Hang in there, just get through one day at a time. 

 

 

[Mia1]

23 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I'm having a hard time enjoying myself 

because I'm beating myself up about the things I am not doing better at, but I need to work on trying to put set that stuff aside. It's lessons for the future but can't do anything about what's already happened.

Be kind to yourself @AndyPantswe all do the best we can in the moment. When that moment is gone we must let it go so we can make the best decision in the next moment. I know it’s not always easy though so start to practice this.

 

When a negative thought comes into your head choose not to follow it, let it go. Our inner critic can be particularly loud in recovery so acknowledge that it’s your inner critic and choose not to believe what it’s telling you. It’s just a thought and only has as much power as you give it.

 

You’re doing such a good job living your life with these challenges so give yourself a break today, you deserve it!!

[AndyPants]

I wish I was generally more thoughtful. I say or do dumb things that cause me anxiety later. If I just approached life more thoughtfully, paused before speaking or acting, I could avoid things later that cause me panic, anxiety, and keep me up at night  If I didn't put my foot in my mouth in the first place, I wouldn't have to feel a ton of stress about it later. I think I'm a generally alright person, but I find that too frequently I say things that are rude, unnecessarily harsh, or otherwise thoughtless. This tends to happen when I'm feeling really stressed or anxious. A few things happened today that I wish I hadn't done or approached differently.  Feeling stressed isn't an excuse for being unkind. Most days these feelings usually apply to my wife and son, but also today that applies to an extended family member who was nearby when I said something thoughtless that they probably would have thought rude, but I don't know 100% that they heard. In that situation trying to say something about it now would just make it worse (there's a good chance he heard but I'm not certain, so what if I bring it up and he didn't hear? And if he did hear, bringing it up again doesn't make anyone feel good), and so I probably have to move on, taking with me the lesson to think about things I'm saying in group settings more. But moving on...that is something I have a lot of trouble with. I'm worried about sleep tonight and feeling tempted to take a drug (it's been a while since I have taken either I think, but I do still have hydroxyzine and Lunesta and brought them on this trip for emergency use).

 

I hate how the withdrawals can seem to amplify our worst tendencies. Or maybe it's just revealing stuff under the surface that was always there but being drugged out had kept hidden. Maybe it's both, I don't know. I'm having a tough day...I suppose that is probably obvious. The previous few days had brought both mini-windows and waves, today has mostly been a tough day though.

 

@Grateful@Mia1 thank you for your replies and kind words.  I'm having a hard time with those things but it is what I need to work on.

 

 

[AndyPants]

Well, I did not take a sleeping pill last night, and I ended up falling asleep with no trouble. I did wake up early and have since been obsessing over my faux pas at the family gathering yesterday, but at least I got a decent amount of sleep before returning to my anxious, stressed thoughts. I'm just really bothered with myself.

 

I don't like feeling like I'm posting the same posts every week. My sleep is improving overall, which is fantastic, but in terms of my emotional well being I don't feel like I'm making progress. I've gotten wonderful advice here and received great support from several folks, which I really appreciate. I don't want to be the guy who keeps complaining oh I'm dealing with this same thing over and over and never gets anywhere.

 

When approaching my insomnia I made changes to what I was doing based on advice on the site, I also worked on changing my attitude and mindset, and things have gotten better.  I need to make a plan for my daytimes now too. I can't keep living like this, where I approach life in this sort of rash survival mode and where I don't think even a few minutes ahead.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I'm still tired from waking up early and obsessively ruminating over what happened yesterday, but that's kind of the problem right there.  The years on the drug had me living life on auto pilot, never getting too high or too low, and now I need to figure out how to actually live. How to self soothe when I get low, how to think ahead and make better choices to improve my future happiness. There will always be highs and lows in life, but I think (hope) that you can do things to improve your chances of having more highs and teach yourself how to better deal with the lows. 

[Mia1]

14 hours ago, AndyPants said:

If I just approached life more thoughtfully, paused before speaking or acting, I could avoid things later that cause me panic, anxiety, and keep me up at night 

 

14 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I hate how the withdrawals can seem to amplify our worst tendencies. Or maybe it's just revealing stuff under the surface that was always there but being drugged out had kept hidden. Maybe it's both,

I personally think it’s a combination of both, issues come up that become distorted by neuro emotions. This has been my biggest issue the past six months and I would find myself in the exact situation you are in, being too reactive with people and then ruminating over it and beating myself up. It became a loop that took me some time to get out of. 

 

When we meditate we learn to sit with thoughts and feelings objectively and without judgement. I used this same principle when I felt triggered by certain people. I would focus on listening to what they had to say and pushed my thoughts and reactions aside. By focusing on listening I was better able to create the necessary space to choose how I was going to act instead of just reacting. This was not easy at first because there was a really big part of me that felt justified in wanting to react. I had to acknowledge that this was not rational and choose to act in a different way.

 

Even though at times I would really feel at odds with myself in the moment I was ALWAYS thankful I responded with kindness and compassion and over time this has gotten easier for me. It also helps to remind yourself of neuro emotions before you talk to someone who triggers you or even say a word or phrase to yourself in the moment such as “be kind.” 

 

 I’m not perfect at it though and if I do happen to react or behave in a way that’s unkind I recognize it, apologize for it if necessary and then forgive myself. This is so important @AndyPantsfor letting go. It’s okay that we’re not perfect, neuro emotions are intense. If you weren’t a kind and caring person you wouldn’t worry that your behavior may have hurt someone. So recognize that you could have behaved differently and let it go.

 

If your mind wants to think about it tell yourself “no, I don’t have to beat myself up for making a mistake” and then go back to what you’re doing in the present moment. The pull to think about it will be strong at first but you must not follow these thoughts or engage in them, they only serve to make you feel bad and they do nothing to change the situation. Only acting differently in the situation changes it so give yourself a break today. 

 

In order to be fully compassionate towards other people we must first learn to love and forgive ourselves. You must practice this as much on yourself as you do other people.

4 hours ago, AndyPants said:

When approaching my insomnia I made changes to what I was doing based on advice on the site, I also worked on changing my attitude and mindset, and things have gotten better.  I need to make a plan for my daytimes now too.

This is fantastic news, I’m so happy it’s working for you!!

 

My advice is to start practicing mindfulness throughout the day. It’s a place where you are simply observing what is happening without engaging or following thoughts. Just look at what’s happening without judgement and don’t forget to include yourself in this.

 

So the practice would be listen to what people are saying to you without trying to anticipate how you are going to respond. Be fully present in the moment.

 

You really are doing such a good job with your recovery and you should feel proud of yourself.

 

[AndyPants]

@Mia1 thank you for your response, it has provided me a lot of comfort this week. What you outlined and talked about in terms of living mindfully is where I want to be and that's my next goal I think.

 

What I've been struggling with when trying to mediate is my body getting really restless feeling. I will feel fine one moment, put on a guided meditation and try to listen to it and immediately my legs will feel restless and uncomfortable. It's the weirdest thing. I don't know how to get myself to just chill and relax.

[AndyPants]

Today has kind of been an up and down day, but I'm feeling okay. I listened to a meditation and this time was able to mostly relax and I had to drag my focus away from thoughts a bunch but seemed to go okay.  I'm feeling very nervous and uncertain about the future right now but trying to stay positive and not get bogged down by all my worries.

[AndyPants]

Not an even an hour after posting that I'm crazy tense and worked up again. I hate that I can get myself to an okay place but then not have it stick and end up in a bad place again so quickly.

[almuPA]

Hello @AndyPants,

 

how are you doing?

 

I have been reading your last posts. 

On 9/6/2021 at 2:31 AM, AndyPants said:

I find that too frequently I say things that are rude

I relate A LOT to this. It was actually my very first WD symptom (when I did not know what the hell was WD). I found myself with so little patience and saying things I did not really want to say or feel. With the time, I understood that it is not worth it to beat myself up because of this. Just try to learn from the experience, but dont be too hard on yourself. 

 

On 9/2/2021 at 1:01 AM, AndyPants said:

Probably planning a trip during AD withdrawals isn't the best, but it's not like we can totally put our lives on hold.

I want to congratulate you. Taking a flight is not easy in general, but in WD is a massive achievement! Give credit to yourself for that! And yes, I wish there was a bottom that would stop everything until we are ready to face the world around us. But the truth is there inst. You are right, we cannot put our lives on hold. Thats why I think what we are doing(all of us) is amazing. Somebody who doesnt experienced it cant understand how hard we have to work every single day. So please, know that you are doing a great work.

 

I've read on getoflex threat that you are a writer. Thats so cool! I also like to write (I am actually very bad at it, but I like to create stories), and yes, I also have lost my will to write with this WD. It is like a massive effort. In the good days I do feel very inspired, though. 

 

I hope that any of the things that I've written make any sence, I havent written in english for a while, and with this WD brain of mine, it is hard to know!

 

I send you a big hug.

[Mia1]

On 9/11/2021 at 3:54 PM, AndyPants said:

thank you for your response, it has provided me a lot of comfort this week.

You’re very welcome, I’m glad I could help!!

 

On 9/11/2021 at 3:54 PM, AndyPants said:

What I've been struggling with when trying to mediate is my body getting really restless feeling.

When we meditate we are trying to build our awareness, it is observing without the mind. You simply observe what is happening in the moment without judgement or attachment. Awareness does not judge, it is neutral. Our minds are constantly judging and when we attach to the judgements we start to create our suffering.

 

So if you are meditating and have a feeling of being restless acknowledge it and then let it go, continue to listen to the meditation. It’s just a feeling and will pass quickly if you don’t attach to it. However, if you start to think “ I’m restless again, I can’t relax” you start to feed and empower the feeling and pretty soon it goes from a mere feeling to who you have become.

 

 You are not restless, it is just a feeling and feelings always pass. You are the awareness of the feeling, never the feeling. This is the same with thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You only think you are when you attach to them. When you simply observe a thought you will quickly see it passes. It needs your focus and attention to stick around.

 

I have found meditation and mindfulness to be something of a focus training in the beginning. You will start to see that what you focus on really does create your reality. So the next time you are meditating be aware of this and keep shifting your focus back to the meditation. It is like working out, it will seem difficult in the beginning but gets much easier with practice. This is why the daily meditation practice is so important!!

11 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I hate that I can get myself to an okay place but then not have it stick and end up in a bad place again so quickly.

So we bring what we learn from meditation into our daily lives through mindfulness. And what that looks like is becoming aware of our thoughts so we can choose which ones we want to follow and which ones we want to let go of. We start to become more conscious and can start to think thoughts without them thinking us. It will help you tremendously with regulating all emotions, it just takes practice.

 

It doesn’t happen overnight so it’s especially important to be kind to yourself and not to judge yourself if you happen to have a difficult time. It can feel really intense doing this work while you are healing. You’ll see that just taking the judgement away will bring you tremendous peace. So accepting  yourself exactly as you are in this moment is the greatest act of self love. You are very worth it so give it a try!!

[AndyPants]

I didn't sleep last night.  I feel so tired and I'm so bummed and frustrated.  I tried getting up and reading, I tried listening to a couple meditations, still just laid there awake after (what's weird is I had a worst day the night before last, but that night I slept fine, and then last night I had more minor stresses in comparison but didn't sleep).  A couple weeks ago I was looking ahead and thinking maybe this could be the week I would try my next dosage drop, but my heart palpitations have been coming back in recent days and now a night of insomnia.  So I guess I'm in a wave and probably shouldn't drop right now.  I want to type more but I'm just so tired.  I've gotten through the work day before on no sleep so I know its doable, but it sure makes for a long day and feels daunting right now.  And I was supposed go visit a couple friends this evening as well.

 

I'm wondering if I should start taking more magnesium and fish oil, which I take after breakfast.  I've been taking one 133 mg magnesium pill daily.  My fish oil I've also just been taking one of, and per pill it is 1000mg of fish oil and EPA 400 mg and DHA 200 mg.

 

@almuPA thanks for stopping in and your words of encouragement.  For about a year before tapering off the drug I had been doing a lot of work on my novel, but since tapering I've had a much harder time getting myself to sit and write.  Its frustrating because one of my main reasons for wanting to get off the drug was to improve my general motivation in life and its just made it more difficult.  But creativity is an important outlet for us, I should try to get into a rhythm of doing it.

 

@Mia1 I've been trying to practice mindfulness when I go on walks this past week, being observant of things I see, and then also listening to meditations each day.  I don't think I'm doing particularly well at it but I'm trying.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants

2 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I've been taking one 133 mg magnesium pill daily.  My fish oil I've also just been taking one of, and per pill it is 1000mg of fish oil and EPA 400 mg and DHA 200 mg.

I think you are taking a very low dose.  Here are some links on it

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/?tab=comments#comment-44

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/?tab=comments#comment-11734

 

2 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I was looking ahead and thinking maybe this could be the week I would try my next dosage drop, but my heart palpitations have been coming back in recent days and now a night of insomnia. 

I see that you are tapering of of Lex also.  I  started my taper Sept 1  a big 2%  I think I will do another cut on Monday I might try 5% will see.  I know how hard it is to know when to cut.  I still have wd symptoms but I also feel a little better since my last cut.  Only you know how you feel and if you are ready, like they say listen to your body.

 

Are you still working from home?

2 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I don't think I'm doing particularly well at it but I'm trying.

I bet this is most peoples worry.  It sure has crossed my mind a lot.  But the important thing to take note of it that you keep trying.   There is no real right or wrong way.  There are many days that I can hardly focus, my brain is such a mess, but I do try to meditate 2 times a day.  I know that it has helped me, I feel like I can sit in my thoughts more and that I can go about my business more even when my mind is being pledged with thoughts that I don't want to have.  The tend to disappear faster.  Not all the time, but more and more. Remember you will have thoughts, but you have the power/choice to follow them.  When you have a though say "oh thought" go about your business  I have even told myself I have the choice to follow this thought or not.  It gives me  some power back!

 

Hang in there.

You are doing a super job working on yourself and moving forward.

I know it is going slower than you like, but you are farther ahead then you were hours, days, weeks, months ago.........