AndyPants: my story with Lexapro

[AndyPants]

@Greatful Thanks I'll read through the threads again and start ramping those up.  I'll keep mulling over when to make another cut.

 

I am still working from home thankfully. It's still sort of a 'temporary covid thing' but for the time being it doesn't seem to be changing, which I'm really glad for. Eventually, they're going to make us come back so that is still in the back of my mind and something I'm trying not to be anxious about.

 

Yeah I'll just keep trying, there certainly has been progress even if I'm not where I want to be yet.

[AndyPants]

I slept alright last night, despite being in a panicky place the last couple hours before bed. This morning I've been feeling panic again. I am freaked out about things that are outside of my control and having trouble getting myself to stop and let it go.

 

I did end up taking a second magnesium and fish oil pills yesterday and I'm going to keep trying that.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  I really hate the panic and obsessing over things that don't even make sense.

You know what to do, just keep doing it,  Sometimes it may take half a day to actually forget the thought all the way but you do.  Meditate and post note around your house to remind you these are just thought and I have a choice to follow them.

 

Here are a few that I have around the house

Everything is just an experience.  An experience is neutral, we put the labels of good or bad.

 

 It is my reaction to my symptoms and not my symptoms that were causing my suffering.

 

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside the mind.

 Your brain has convinced you that you must think about it. But it’s your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

 

22 minutes ago, AndyPants said:

I did end up taking a second magnesium and fish oil pills yesterday and I'm going to keep trying that.

You should take the magnesium at different times.....I am not sure if it matters with the fish oil.

What kind of Magnesium do you take.  I spread mine out throughout the day.  I use Magnesium glycinate.  Are you taking any other supplements?

You should add that to your signature.  Mods like to see what all you are taking if the are helping you. 

 

Have a good day.......

 

 

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I am freaked out about things that are outside of my control and having trouble getting myself to stop and let it go

Remember @AndyPantsthe stronger we resist something the stronger it becomes. Acceptance is truly the key. You are okay and you will continue to heal and feel better.

 

Have you been meditating and practicing mindfulness? 

[AndyPants]

@Greatful @Mia1 thank you for your responses and continued encouragement.

 

4 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Have you been meditating and practicing mindfulness? 

I've been trying to do at least 1 guided meditation every day, and when I go on my walks I've been leaving my phone at home and instead of listening to things just try to be mindful and observant.  Hard to keep my thoughts under control a lot, I feel like I spend most of the time lost in thoughts and only a small amount of time being mindful, but still trying.

 

6 hours ago, Greatful said:

You should take the magnesium at different times.....I am not sure if it matters with the fish oil.

What kind of Magnesium do you take.  I spread mine out throughout the day.  I use Magnesium glycinate.  Are you taking any other supplements?

Here's everything I'm taking:

-Men's Multi Vitamin (has a bunch of stuff)

-Vitamin C (240 mg)

-Selenium (200 mcg)

-Zinc (15 mg)

-CBD Tincture (25mg twice daily)

-Magnesium Chelate (133mg)

-Fish oil (1000mg of fish oil and EPA 400 mg and DHA 200 mg)

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  You may want to look up each supplement to see if it is activating at all.

Look to see if there is Vitamin B in the multivitamin(I am sure there is)   Vitamin b can be activating.  

15 hours ago, AndyPants said:

I've been leaving my phone at home and instead of listening to things just try to be mindful and observant.  Hard to keep my thoughts under control a lot, I feel like I spend most of the time lost in thoughts and only a small amount of time being mindful, but still trying.

You are doing a great job.  Remember there is no right or wrong or time frame that it will all fall it to place.  Be kind to yourself, look at how far you have come and you are not giving up. Self love and positive self talk will go along way to a stronger you. The mind has had its own way for so long that it will take time and constant practice.  I know patience is hard to come by when you are struggling, but look at it this way,,, the time goes by either way so you will only benefit with the continued practice.  As your brain heals the concentration will get better, and the skills your are learning will carry over for the rest of your life.😊

 

[Greatful]

@AndyPants   I think it might be a good idea to learn some meditating practices that don't do a lot of guiding also.  I usually do both.  I use  the head space app on my phone for the less guided one.  I think you can try it out for free, I just paid for a year.   I have been using their daily meditation and one on anxiety.  They offer a lot of different focus meditations.  I feel that it will help more with practicing acknowledging your thought and refocusing on your breath.  This will help more with the day time  mindfulness, were the guided ones already have you focusing on something and causing a distraction for you.  I do have a couple of  guided one that I like

"New Beginnings and Habit Change 

this one is very helpful in packing up bad habits and letting them go.

https://youtu.be/1VgMbYujjS8

 

this one is the  "Healing Chronic Pain"  Pain can be physical or emotional

https://youtu.be/3RNXvq3oCHA

 

Let me know if these links work

[AndyPants]

@Greatful I'll give those meditations a try and start trying to do non-guided as well.

 

Yeah looks you're right, it does contain Vitamin B-12.  Should I stop taking it then?

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  I think you would get better advice from a mod on the stopping the vitamins.

How did your  other supplements look for activation?

[AndyPants]

Hm, I don't know how I missed this when I looked at the ingredients before.  It also has B6 in it.  I did see that there was a thread that said B-12 was pretty important for health, so I dunno what to do.  It doesn't look like its very much.  7.3 mg B6 per pill and 8 mcg B-12 per pill.  I've been on basically the same group of supplements for a while now, and had a lot of ups and downs during that time, I haven't felt like its contributed in a negative way but of course I can't really be sure since I was on them all from the beginning (at least, for the 4 vitamins - the multivitamin, vitamin c, selenium, and zinc).  The things I've added overtime while going through the withdrawls was magnesium, fish oil, the cbd, and a little melatonin before bed, forgot to mention that one before as well.  I'll have to study things some more I guess.

 

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@AndyPants when did you start taking the multi vitamin?  I know from past experience the times I would try to take a multi vitamin my anxiety would go high.  I can't say the same is happening to you.  If you are not low on b12 you should be okay or else increase natural foods that are high in b12.  

Watch for foods that are high in histamine also.  This can increase anxiety. 

You could try and cut it out for a week or so and see if you see a difference, or contact a mod.

Hang in there, I know how frustrating this can be. 

 

[AndyPants]

9 hours ago, Greatful said:

@AndyPants when did you start taking the multi vitamin?  I know from past experience the times I would try to take a multi vitamin my anxiety would go high.  I can't say the same is happening to you.  If you are not low on b12 you should be okay or else increase natural foods that are high in b12.  

Watch for foods that are high in histamine also.  This can increase anxiety. 

You could try and cut it out for a week or so and see if you see a difference, or contact a mod.

Hang in there, I know how frustrating this can be. 

 

 

@Greatful I've been taking it for a while now, maybe a couple years, but a lot of time it hasn't been consistent.  I've been the most consistent with it just this past year (while going through withdrawals).  I have no idea if I'm low on b12 or not.

[AndyPants]

Been feeling really nauseous and just generally yucky. At first I thought it was just stress, I have a couple big things in life that I'm really stressed about right now, but another thought I had was maybe my body isn't liking the increased magnesium since I've been taking a couple of those daily for a few days. Could be both, I don't know. I only took one magnesium today since I was feeling bad. One of the big things that I've been stressing about will be over with in a couple days, so that will help.  But I've still got some other things in life that I've been struggling with a lot of stress about, so I'll need to continue to work on working through my stress and anxiety and weathering storms of life without getting sick to my stomach.

[Mia1]

I would be careful with the supplements, our bodies really do crave stability as we continue to heal from these drugs. I would avoid increasing or adding anything new if you can.

 

We are definitely much more sensitive to stress now so it’s important to remember to practice really good self care and be supportive of ourselves. I’m happy to hear you are meditating and practicing mindfulness, these two have helped me the most with stress and anxiety. I hope you feel better soon 😊

[purple]

Hi AndyPants, just wanted to offer some support. Hang in there!

[AndyPants]

Another bad night last night for sleep and my stomach not feeling well again today. I'm trying to be optimistic and just get through the day. Some days when you're dealing with anxiety and withdrawals it just becomes about survival. But I hope it gets better.

[AndyPants]

Slept pretty well, so that's good. But I'm having a lot of heart palpitations both today and yesterday.

[Mia1]

I may have mentioned this before but if you haven’t already I would read Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes, the technique she teaches really does help to manage stress and anxiety. Some of the information is dated as it was written in the 60’s but the method itself is tried and true. Hang in there, you’ll feel better soon 💖

[AndyPants]

Just a quick update, I made the decision to start tapering again and have done 3.6 mg liquid Lexapro for the last few days (down from 3.8 where I had been for four and a half months).  Overall I feel okay, I've had some headaches and been a little more irritable, I'm not sure if that is the medication or just my child trying to drive me crazy, but things are alright.  Had to start again sometime, I figure.

 

Thanks @Mia1 @purple @Greatful for the words of encouragement and support, hope you all are doing okay too.

[purple]

Thanks for the update and continue to keep us posted!

[AndyPants]

 

Really struggling with irritability and anger issues. I'm just losing it with my family over small, stupid things all the time. In the moment I tell myself it was justified, try to rationalize it, but then in quieter moments later I realize I was just being a jerk. I hate feeling like I'm a rude, snippy, reactive person. 

 

[purple]

Sounds very human. In the moment, we often feel so justified and right. For those of us, including you, who do reflect on it later, we realized that that was perhaps not so. Being aware of it is already a step farther than most people.

 

Do you apologize to your family for it and if so, how do they respond? Perhaps they are more understanding than you'd imagine or perhaps they are confused or something else. Could it be something to sit down and have a family discussion about?

[AndyPants]

Last night took me probably close to three hours to get to sleep. I got up at some point in there to listen to a meditation and read for a little bit, so that seemed to help with getting me to sleep eventually. But I think one of the reasons I was having a hard time is I'm having a lot of aches and pains. I woke up in a lot of pain and with a really crazy muscle spasm in my right thigh.

 

Not all the problems in life should likely be attributed to the withdrawals. The heart palpitations and neuro emotions and things that I've been experiencing a lot lately can safely be attached to the withdrawals, I don't know about the aches. Maybe it's my posture while I'm working, or the furniture we have, or some combination of all of that. I just don't know. But my whole body, and my neck in particular, has been increasingly hurting in recent weeks and last night and today its the worst it's been.

 

@purple Yeah I do apologize to my wife often, and she's been understanding, but I just get anxious and feel bad about apologizing for the same stuff all the time.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  I think you can consider the sore muscles to WD.  I have muscle weakness a lot, mostly in my arm and in my legs.  One never knows what symptom will show up.

On 10/17/2021 at 5:01 PM, AndyPants said:

Really struggling with irritability and anger issues. I'm just losing it with my family over small, stupid things all the time. In the moment I tell myself it was justified,

Remember to be kind to yourself these neuro-emotions can be very strong.  Have you read any of the thread on this in Symptoms & Self-Care. 

 

I have a little method I can't remember the correct word for it (My therapist told me but I can't remember)  I a sign a color, so red for anger, green for jealousy, black for depression and so on.  When the I am angry I will picture the a red dot/blob in my mind, but I will picture it away from me, like in front of me, and say this is not me, and do you know what, I find myself looking inside me and there the real me is.  It does help to know that this is not the true you.  It is just a emotion that your are experiencing at the time and is very morphed because your brain is not working right.  Yes you may have some anger still, but tell yourself that it is okay and you will put it off to the side and try go on with what you are doing.  

Of course it is good to have several different coping skill that deal with emotions, sometimes one will work better than the other. Meditation, walk away, some breathing exercises.

I sometimes will worn my husband that I am feeling agitated or anger, just letting him know, it  helps me look at it with a clearer perspective or just to let him know that I might act out so be ware.  I will also let him know what other things are going on with me, panicky, depressed, over stimulated tearful.  I think this helps him to understand and give support were he can.

 

Remember to give those around you there own space and respect to process there emotions while you are going through this.  They are going through it to as support people.  We can be very waring on them.  Try to thank them, hug them, and let them know how much you appreciate all the do for you.  Communicating is very important. ☺️  

 

Again be kind  and patient with yourself. Beating yourself up will only add more stress and make you feel bad about yourself which then lead to more frustration, and anger.  Let the cycle began.😆 

 

How are you doing other wise with the cut?

 

[purple]

That makes sense to feel like that for apologizing constantly. I'm glad your wife is understanding.

 

When I first started tapering this year, I was paying pretty close attention to what was going on in my body. One thing that was peculiar was a right calf pain that I'd notice in the mornings some days. I couldn't attribute it to any physical activity/posture/habit but it was also a strange thing that I couldn't make sense of how it'd relate to an antidepressant. All to say that it could be WD related as Greatful pointed out.

 

Have you tried stretching or exercising? Perhaps computer posture with the neck pain? I know I did have pretty bad thigh spasms (but was both legs) when I sat in certain chairs for the whole day doing computer work. So it is odd that it's only one side for you. Again, perhaps more WD than posture...

[AndyPants]

@Greatful thanks for sharing your methods. The idea on warning family when you can tell you are feeling more irritable is a good idea.

 

As far as how things are doing post cut, I think it's going okay. I've been doing well at work, and I've been sleeping overall pretty well.  On the other hand I have all these aches and probably a small increase in irritability and heart palpitations.

 

I've been a little frustrated with feeling like I've been more forgetful and just not on top of life stuff. I'm going to try and get back on top of things, making a to do list to keep track of stuff.  I know it doesn't help to dwell on the negatives, but it's easy to get down on yourself I guess. 

 

@purple the leg spasm was just that one day, which was weird. But the neck aches, headaches and back aches have been more consistent. I do need to figure out how to start working through it because it's been rough.

 

For excercise I've been doing (almost) daily walks. Some occasional pushups too I guess, but that's about it. Since we're getting into winter time i will need to come up with a good indoor exercising routine. 

 

 

[purple]

A thought occurred to me. When I first got depressed, I had really bad muscle aches/pains/soreness. I sought out an acupuncturist because I wanted to avoid SSRIs. While I didn't notice any mood improvements, I did notice that my migraines and muscle aches went away from the regular treatment. Perhaps something to consider.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants How are you doing?  Did you make another cut?

[AndyPants]

Hi @Grateful, yes I did another cut, so far it seems okay.  I had some crazy neuro emotion stuff going on a couple days ago I think but I'm okay overall.

 

I'm debating right now on whether to do cuts every two weeks or four. I feel like I'm at a better place than I've been in the past and could maybe handle starting to do a little more cuts but I'm still thinking about it.

 

@purpleacupuncture sounds terrifying but I'll give it some thought 

😏

[AndyPants]

Oops @Greatful when I tried to tag you in my last post I tagged the wrong user name.

 

As a further update from the last few days overall I'm doing okay. I got panic-y late Friday night but was able to work through it.

[purple]

How have you been?

[AndyPants]

Hi @purple, thanks for checking in, I'm doing okay. It seems to come and go. Some times I feel like I'm doing alright and I have a handle on things and other times I feel like I'm a mess, life is a mess, and I don't know what to do about any of it. At this particular moment I've just lost all motivation to do anything and feel down.  Self-discipline and being productive continues to be a struggle for me, particularly when I'm feeling down. I get really frustrated with feeling like my memory has become really bad too.

 

I guess that is a long way of saying I'm sometimes okay and sometimes not so okay. But I'm surviving, so that is something. How is tappering and things generally for you?

 

 

[purple]

It's the same way for me. Now I see what people mean by these windows and waves. I'm in a window right now so trying to establish healthy habits so when the next wave comes, I'm more prepared. I'm sure I'll still feel sh*tty but hopefully the habits will be ingrained enough that even going through the motions will be something.

 

I've been meaning to do a review of the past few years to visualize the pattern of withdrawal, windows, and waves. I didn't start doing this less harmful tapering method until this year so it's been a new experience. In hindsight, the waves aren't as bad as the severe withdrawal I've had in the past when tapering via the usual doctor's recommendations, but they're still bad.

 

I'm just accepting that it's going to be like this for the next few years of my life.

 

Congrats on surviving! It really is something and I think that is all we can do during the waves.

[Greatful]

@AndyPants

How are you doing? How is the tapering going?

[AndyPants]

Hi @Greatful, thanks for checking in on me. Overall I'm doing okay. How are you?

 

Yesterday I would have said I'm doing pretty good. Today I'm having a tough day but I woke up two hours earlier than normal and couldn't fall back asleep and had some stressful life stuff going on and frustrated at work, all the things pile on sometimes...so I'm feeling tired and anxious today. Other than waking up too early today I've had very solid sleep lately which is wonderful and my symptoms I would say have overall been lower than normal. 

 

Last month I tried making a couple more regular cuts and kinda experimenting I guess to see how I handle it.

[Greatful]

Hey @AndyPants  How are you doing?  Anymore cuts?  I see that you are on 2.8mg

Oh man I wish I was at that.