Nugget97: Please help I need reassurance -lexapro withdrawal

[Nugget97]

@Edmunds sorry I didn’t get back to earlier. I hope you are also doing okay and that your DR has improved! 

[Edmunds]

Thanks for the message. For me it’s been very tough days—persistent anxiety, intense foggy DR, blurry vision, intermittent crying, and diarrhea. I’m holding at 2.25 Prozac for a couple of weeks after updosing from 2.0. This may not have been a good idea. But I don’t think I should go back down to 2.0 yet and risk feeling even worse.  I’ve been told I ask too many questions on the site or repeat myself. So I’m trying to leave the moderators alone. 

[getofflex]

It's understandable why you are angry.  Many of us are.  This is an unjust situation we find ourselves in.  Part of the reason I help out in here is to help right some of the wrong that was done to so many people.  

[Nugget97]

@Edmunds I’m so sorry to hear that. I do hope updosing works out for you. I am sorry to hear that some moderators are making you feel that way, what we are going through is truly horrific and we constantly want reassurance which may come across as asking the same questions when we are just desperate to be told everything is going to be okay, I certainly have consistently asked for the same reassurance all the time from my family and partner so I get you and I’m sure the moderators themselves felt and did the same thing at some stage during their own ordeal. I know it’s hard to recognise that it will get better but it will, try your best to be optimistic. 

[Go2zero]

On 5/6/2021 at 9:01 PM, Nugget97 said:

thank you for your input but I was only on Lexapro for 2 months including the taper. Although I know it was a fast taper and that is why I’m suffering now I never want to touch anti anxiety meds again.

 

If you can do without reinstating that will be best of course. I can understand that you never want to touch such "meds" again... The reason that I mentioned reinstatement was that some people get deeper and deeper in WD after stopping these drugs too soon. And in such cases reinstatement might stop this process and help in stabilizing. But if you can go through your process without, that is best!  Good luck on your further process!

 

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Nugget97. How are you feeling now compared to when you first posted in March?

[Nugget97]

Hi @Altostrata it’s been very much an up and down process since March but overall I think the trend is improving. Windows tend to be more frequent and longer in duration. Waves can still be tough and at some points can still be as intense but I am definitely seeing a difference in my windows. 

[Altostrata]

It sounds like you are progressing normally for withdrawal syndrome. It's slow and frustrating and sometimes you can see it only if you look back months ago.

 

Have you tried the tips @getofflex kindly gave you here 

 

 

[Nugget97]

Hi everyone,

 

it’s been a while since I posted on here, mainly because I have to say I had improved immensely. A lot of the physical symptoms that were still lingering were starting to diminish. For example my most Troublesome symptom at the time that has been the one that has stuck with me the most has been the heightened chemical anxiety/fight or flight response feeling, this started to get lighter and lighter and only really occurred when triggered by stressful situations or thoughts as opposed to being constant. Even when it did occur it would leave as quickly as It came. Every other physical symptom I had was barely there. I would say I was at least 80% myself most days which was great and it was only the very odd time that I would have a crying episode.
 

Throughout this time though I still had two symptoms (and a new one) that did not get better. In fact one of them has gotten worse which is why I am writing this today (mainly for reassurance). My derealisation unfortunately hasn’t diminished. To be fair it isn’t constant and doesn’t bother me a huge amount, more annoying than anything else and mainly happens in the evenings/at night. I started driving recently and I’m afraid it might impact me when driving. Another symptom that has suddenly come on is quick dizzy/lightheaded spells which I have only noticed the past week but again is a nuisance and makes me feel like I’m unwell ( I know it’s only anxiety though).  Mainly I am here today because the past two days I feel like I have taken a turn for the worst. About a month or so ago I started developing the intrusive thoughts as I wrote here. They properly terrified me as it seemed like it was mind playing against me with my fears. As someone with health anxiety I have a fear of death, losing control and losing people and my intrusive thoughts seemed to revolve around that. Some days they would get the better of me and I would become so paralayzed by them I would break down and cry, and other days I would feel strong enough to be like they are just intrusive thoughts they aren’t me. Some days I wouldn’t even get them. I am the biggest overthinker and I found that if I had a new intrusive thought I would completely overthink it and think omg is this actually me? Is this what I truly think? Which of course would freak me out more. 
from reading up about these thoughts I read that there is a difference between urges and thoughts and then I of course was like okay I don’t have urges, wait do I have urges, maybe I should check if I actually do have an urge. This lead me to when I was cutting a watermelon and I suddenly stopped and looked at the knife and thought do I have the urge, am I a risk to myself or my family or my dogs? My mind even went like well you like cutting the watermelon don’t you, you like the feeling?and without even thinking I has the image of doing it to myself and my dog and would I do it and I was literally just stuck in my thoughts holding this knife trying to overthink the whole thing that I got so upset. It completely terrified me that I literally told my mam to hide that knife. I convinced myself I was a risk to myself and my family and freaked myself out that I even entertained my mind to that point. That experience has literally been on my mind the past two days. My intrusive thoughts just seem to be worse and worse and I think me being an overthinker is not helping. The guilt I have for even having these thoughts has made my anxiety go through the roof and I’ve just been a mess. I feel like I’ve gone completely backwards. I just feel so guiltly and so on edge and confused why these thoughts are there. I am actually scared of my own mind. Then I started thinking I deserve to get hurt for even having those thoughts in my head and then I overthink that and think omg does that mean I actually want to self harm. Anyway you get my drift that I am a serious overthinker. I think this all stemmed from my first intrusive thought which was all about me losing my mind and losing control and anything I read or hear on the news I’m like could I get to that point and then I just keep building on it. I am no way suicidal all I want is to go back to my own self I would do anything to just go back to my normal life. This is the first time since this whole experience began that I have truly been so frightened of myself. Please I just need reassurance that this is Normal for withdrawal or if anyone has had similar experiences. My family think i will be fine and that like everything else they will go. I’m mentally exhausted and feel like I’m going backwards. These thoughts never crossed my mind before withdrawal or even on the tablets so I’m just shocked confused scared. 

[getofflex]

23 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

t’s been a while since I posted on here, mainly because I have to say I had improved immensely.

This is fantastic!  

 

23 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

My derealisation unfortunately hasn’t diminished. To be fair it isn’t constant and doesn’t bother me a huge amount, more annoying than anything else and mainly happens in the evenings/at night.

Yes, this is extremely common.  I still have this symptom myself, and most of my symptoms are gone on most days, thankfully,  

 

Here are threads on your current symptoms: 

 

Dizziness, Lightheaded

 

DP/DR

 

It sounds like you are having ruminations and intrusive thoughts.  Yes, this is very common and typical for withdrawal.  I know how scary and unsettling this can be, as this is a big symptom for me.  How I deal with it:  I tell myself it is only a thought, and a product of my nervous system being temporarily damaged.  I dismiss the thought, and try to distract myself with something else.  Here is a thread about this symptom: 

 

Ruminations and Intrusive Thoughts

[Nugget97]

Hi @getofflex thank you so much for your reply during this scary time. It’s really reassuring to hear from you that this is all normal. I hope you are improving day by day! 
 

thank you for the links, I’ve gone through them and it helps to know I’m not alone although I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I know deep down I won’t do anything related to these thoughts but it’s just so distressing to have them, it makes me feel horrible! Like because I had the what ifs when holding a knife I’m literally avoiding all knifes and now every time I get an intrusive thought it’s literally always related to a knife! I am with my boyfriend at the moment and we were just relaxing and I was thinking I hadn’t had intrusive thoughts with him and bam “I could stab him in his sleep” I nearly died I literally told him straight away and he didn’t seem worried at all and calmed me down! It’s like I have this fear of loosing him and it gets me so angry and confused as to why something so awful would pop into my head! The intrusive thoughts started out as what ifs and end up now not even starting with “what if” anymore it’s more “I want to” which makes it even more scary, that’s still intrusive thoughts right? You see here I go again over analysing them to the max, scared that’s really how I feel when of course it isn’t! It’s literally like my mind is trying to convince me that’s how I feel! Because I keep getting them, the more I keep getting the same thought the more I think why am I thinking of this?? Just so distressing! I am the least violent person on this planet (I literally actively avoid killing fly’s or insects lol) So why are my thoughts getting so violent :( do intrusive thoughts play on your fears? Who even knows! I mean last week I was having intrusive thoughts about being a pedophile because my boyfriend read me something relating to pedos, it took me a full day and a half to get over that! The whole knife thing started because over the past while I’ve just automatically been thinking oh better stay clear of the knifes just in case I go insane and it just built and built! 
 

Does all this resonate with you? are your intrusive thoughts something similar? 

[getofflex]

48 minutes ago, Nugget97 said:

The intrusive thoughts started out as what ifs and end up now not even starting with “what if” anymore it’s more “I want to” which makes it even more scary, that’s still intrusive thoughts right?

Yes, it is.  Please try and not get freaked out and anxious over the intrusive thoughts.  I know it's not easy.  But dark and violent thoughts are, unfortunately, a part of the psych drug withdrawal process for many of us.  I have had them myself, and still do on occasion, but it slowly gets better with time.  It's a part of our nervous system still being out of whack.  Yes, in early recovery I had a lot of dark and violent thoughts, but I did not act on them.  Perhaps this will help:  there is the concept of the money mind.  We all have a monkey mind.  It is the part of our brain that it critical, negative, restless, violent, and jumps all over the place.  Here is an article that talks about the monkey mind, and ways to cope with it: 

 

https://daringtolivefully.com/tame-your-monkey-mind

 

Meditation can help to calm down a restless monkey mind.  This link gives simple instructions for meditating: 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/658-easing-your-way-into-meditation-for-a-stressed-out-nervous-system/?tab=comments#comment-6076

 

Here our founder, altostrata, talks about dark thoughts in WD: 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/19601-overcoming-suicidal-thoughts/?do=findComment&comment=450242

 

Hang in there, I know these thoughts are scary!  But try not to assign too much meaning to them, they are chemically induced thoughts and they are just that - thoughts, that you don't' have to act upon.  

Edited June 15, 2021 by getofflex

[Mia1]

On 6/13/2021 at 2:54 PM, Nugget97 said:

This lead me to when I was cutting a watermelon and I suddenly stopped and looked at the knife and thought do I have the urge, am I a risk to myself or my family or my dogs? My mind even went like well you like cutting the watermelon don’t you, you like the feeling?and without even thinking I has the image of doing it to myself and my dog and would I do it and I was literally just stuck in my thoughts holding this knife trying to overthink the whole thing that I got so upset. It completely terrified me that I literally told my mam to hide that knife. I convinced myself I was a risk to myself and my family and freaked myself out that I even entertained my mind to that point. That experience has literally been on my mind the past two days. My intrusive thoughts just seem to be worse and worse and I think me being an overthinker is not helping. The guilt I have for even having these thoughts has made my anxiety go through the roof and I’ve just been a mess. I feel like I’ve gone completely backwards. I just feel so guiltly and so on edge and confused why these thoughts are there. I am actually scared of my own mind. Then I started thinking I deserve to get hurt for even having those thoughts in my head and then I overthink that and think omg does that mean I actually want to self harm. Anyway you get my drift that I am a serious overthinker. I think this all stemmed from my first intrusive thought which was all about me losing my mind and losing control and anything I read or hear on the news I’m like could I get to that point and then I just keep building on it. I am no way suicidal all I want is to go back to my own self I would do anything to just go back to my normal life. This is the first time since this whole experience began that I have truly been so frightened of myself. Please I just need reassurance that this is Normal for withdrawal or if anyone has had similar experiences. My family think i will be fine and that like everything else they will go. I’m mentally exhausted and feel like I’m going backwards. These thoughts never crossed my mind before withdrawal or even on the tablets so I’m just shocked confused scared. 

This is very common with OCD thoughts, that you will somehow lose control and hurt yourself or loved ones. I get this pretty intensely during w/d. Whether OCD or intrusive thoughts the important thing to remember is that you are not these thoughts, they are just thoughts. Do not give them attention by thinking about them, it only makes them stronger. I would suggest that anytime you have one of these thoughts say no to them and then shift your focus to something else, like what you are doing in the present moment. If you keep  retraining your brain this way the thoughts will start to become less intense and frequent with time. I know its scary but it will get better.

 I’m happy to hear your other symptoms are getting better!!

[Nugget97]

Thanks for all that @getofflex really appreciate it! The thing is I’m not suicidal, far from it actually, all I want to do is live and live a happy normal life like I used to! I just overthink all my intrusive thoughts and panic that they mean I am suicidal and panic that that’s how a suicidal person thinks but deep down I know I have a fear of dying it’s literally the worst thing I could think of. 
 

thank you @Mia1 I hope your intrusive thoughts have phased out. I think it’s defo a bit of OCD, like I completely have to try break down the thought and wonder why it came into my head and that stresses me out more so I’m trying techniques to help, I pray they get better soon 

[Nugget97]

 Hey guys, 

 

Just another update. It’s been nearly 6 and a half months since I quit. In general I had improved so much compared to the beginning of my journey. In particular my physical symptoms started to either completely diminish or were only really triggered in stressful situations or with horrible thoughts. 
 

unfortunately I am in the biggest wave I have been in in a very long time. To be honest before this I wouldn’t have really even said my healing pattern was windows and waves anymore, just mostly windows as in withdrawal normal (still feeling uneasy and not right but manageable) with the odd setback where it all got too much for an evening or a day or two, I wouldn’t have really even called them waves. That’s why I’m so distressed now because this wave actually feels like a proper wave that I had right back at the very beginning, except this time much worse because I now also have the OCD intrusive thoughts (where as back in the beginning I did not have these yet). It’s not just the Intrusive thoughts though, everything seems just so hopeless at the moment and so so negative. I presume it’s all part of the withdrawal experience but it’s just so so disheartening to feel like I’m right back at the beginning taking it day by day again. I know it’s meant to be up and down before it levels out but this wave is lasting so long (more than my usual 3 days top and way more intense) and I just keep thinking to myself what if I end up in back on meds (even tho I never needed them to start with) or worse admitted in somewhere, it’s just literally so negative that this isn’t going to end anytime soon and I have these awful catastrophic scenarios like i will never heal etc. I think it all boils down to me losing hope and positivity since I’ve felt I’ve gone back to the beginning. Has anyone ever had such a bad wave (like the beginning of withdrawal) as they were levelling out? The constant anxiety is basically all the time back during this wave but it’s mostly mental and really petrifying and so scared what will become of my life. I just want to go back to last week where I was like 80% revcovered, still feeling a little bit uneasy with the odd intrusive thought but still manageable. I am afraid if I do level out again for a bit il be so uneasy thinking this big wave might happen again  any stories that will make me feel better would be greatly appreciated. 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Nugget-- I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a bad wave. It can be very disheartening for this to happen after reaching "0". It is however, fairly common.  We refer to it as a "late breaking wave". I talk about it here: 

 

[Nugget97]

Hi @brassmonkey thanks for sending on that info, appreciate it, will have a browse.

It’s mainly all mental this wave just the thoughts and now some scenarios playing out in my head are very disturbing, I know it’s not me though and I never had any of this before taking the meds so it gives me some sort of hope I guess!  Just truly terrifying sometimes! 

[getofflex]

Hi Nugget97, I'm sorry you are having this major wave.  I understand how discouraging these waves are, when we feel we are making progress, and then wham!  Seemingly out of nowhere comes a wave.  I've experienced this in the past myself.  Hang in there, and try some of the non drug coping techniques we have in here.

 

 Intrusive Thoughts Ruminations, etc.

 

OCD etc.

5 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

I just keep thinking to myself what if I end up in back on meds

You have a choice whether or not to get back on the meds.  If a doctor tries to put you on them, you have every right to say "no".  

 

For anxiety, try these links, especially the Claire Weekes: 

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  This wave won't go on forever.  You are in my prayers.  

[Nugget97]

Thank you so much @getofflex for all that helpful info. I’ve already checked out the CBT file you sent and it seems great. I was thinking about starting back in CBT for my intrusive thoughts ( I originally did a few sessions for my health anxiety) but I heard it wasn’t actually that great during withdrawal (that It just takes time really) so this might really help me. Gosh it’s just so awful isn’t it? I find at least when I cry my anxiety lifts so I’m just constantly crying! I’m just praying that this wave leaves me soon 

[Moonpie]

I am in the same boat with you Nugget.  I will soon be off Lexapro 5 months and am experiencing some very difficult waves.  It is exhausting. I keep reminding myself that this is a sign I am healing even thought I don't feel like it.  I posted  you tube video on my page I found that tells what all our bodies are going through to heal.  I was amazed and thought, no wonder I am feeling this way.  How blessed we have this group that understands, care and supports us. Praying you have  window soon. We have to hang in there!!! 

[Nugget97]

@Moonpie thanks for your prayers! I pray you have a window soon my dear! It’s so tough in general but the past I have been in withdrawal normal as they call it where every day was predictable with the odd overwhelming evening, now this wave is just like the beginning just constant anxiety along with the negative mentality and intrusive thoughts, feeling like I want to die when I don’t actually want to die but just can’t bare life when I’m like this, truly horrible! Just want this pain to end, I get jealous of people on the street that just go through their life normally. 

[getofflex]

Tears are cathartic.  I feel better after crying even if it wears me out.   

[Nugget97]

@getofflex I totally agree, it used to never give me relief now it gives me so much relief! 
 

ive got another question actually, did you find that you started to developing OCD during this? Mainly just with your thoughts? I don’t know about you but I am nearly triggered by everything most of these days? I know I won’t do anything but even looking at a knife on tv increases my anxiety! Anything sharp at all I get all tense. I would never self harm but I feel the need to like cover my wrists it’s so weird! Did you find that nearly everything and anything triggered you? I heard a Samaritans ad the other day and got stressed. I legit looked up bipolar and schizophrenia signs and symptoms last night and even though I basically fell into not one symptom I kept repeating it to myself that each symptom I didn’t have just for reassurance. I also feel like I’m making sure everything is put away properly so there’s no chance of any accidents either like in that way OCD. I was very much an overthinker before the meds, wouldn’t have said I had OCD but I did go over things like conversations/the past or thoughts I had in my head a few times but then they would be forgotten the next day, would not have said in the slightest that it affected my life at all, would just overthink meaningless stuff. Overthinking is probably what has got me here to be fair but I’m just a bit worried that it’s manifested for good during withdrawal because my intrusive thoughts got way worse after completely overthinking them (although i did see that on one of the OCD links you sent to me that there is a diffference between diagnosed OCD and withdrawal OCD) I’m really hoping others can chime in and said that this eventually dwindled out. I don’t want to be living my life in fear/on edge even when I physically and mostly mentally feel better. - I should note that even when I was much better the past few weeks I still was easily triggered/on edge with things. Just wanted to see your take on this or if anyone else that successfully got through withdrawal had these? 

[getofflex]

2 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

ive got another question actually, did you find that you started to developing OCD during this? Mainly just with your thoughts?

Yes, and yes. 

 

2 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

I don’t know about you but I am nearly triggered by everything most of these days?

I'm easily triggered too. 

 

I'm still in withdrawal now, although it is very gradually improving.  When I'm in a wave, the OCD type thoughts are worse.  I do believe it will get better in time with both of us. 

[Nugget97]

@getofflex thankfully somebody knows what I’m on about haha, my thoughts can be just so negative even if they aren’t intrusive. I am trying my best to just try laugh it off and not deep dive into the thought or why it’s come up. I just don’t get why some thoughts are actually my own and others are not and straight away with them I’m like “oh god no what!” It’s so mind boggling. 

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, Nugget97 said:

I am trying my best to just try laugh it off and not deep dive into the thought or why it’s come up

This is a very good coping technique.  We call that "floating" on here.  It's good to not take all our thoughts seriously, especially the ones generated by our monkey mind!   🐒   As BrassMonkey said "This is just another way of describing the technique of AAF (Acknowledge, Accept, Float).  Acknowledge that the symptoms are there, Accept that they aren't going anywhere soon and they won't hurt you. Let them Float off as you go on about your life.  Acknowledgment  and Acceptance are very important in dealing with Anxiety, because it is a self powering feeling.  The more you think about it, worry about it and fight against it the stronger it becomes.  Ignore it and it will eventually go away."

 

Another good technique is called "Changing the Channel".  

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/846-change-the-channel-dealing-with-cognitive-symptoms/

 

 

Edited July 16, 2021 by getofflex

[Nugget97]

So I actually got out of that terrible wave thank god! Just one day I started to get better and better and by that evening I was back to my withdrawal normal. That weekend I felt great, even mentally. The past couple of days physically I’m fine but mentally I have sloped a bit. It’s not so much even the intrusive thoughts anymore it’s just plan OCD I have now. I am literally questioning everything. It’s getting very annoying. Last night it was “why do I like air crash investigation so much” “is it because I like the fact that people die” to now which is “ what if I am actually a lesbian” “ what if I have to leave my boyfriend cause I’m a lesbian” and properly overthinking it. I know I am not one and obviously think some women are very pretty but not in that way and have always loved men and not even questioned it but literally as soon as it popped into my mind, I started freaking out and overanalysing. It’s like the OCD from this withdrawal has gotten out of control. I know partly it’s because I have this fear of becoming a horrible person from this and the thoughts and losing my boyfriend. I think maybe that’s what it stems from? Which would make sense I guess. It’s just every night I feel like it’s something different and if it’s not that it’s something else. Anyone else’s OCD get extremely bad like that? I’m hoping it will just die down. It’s just like it’s questioning who I am as a person. 

[getofflex]

5 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

So I actually got out of that terrible wave thank god! Just one day I started to get better and better and by that evening I was back to my withdrawal normal

I'm so glad you are out of that nasty wave.  😀❤️

 

5 hours ago, Nugget97 said:

It’s like the OCD from this withdrawal has gotten out of control

I get it.  I had the same thing.  I understand how anxiety provoking this can be.  I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

Edited July 23, 2021 by getofflex

[Nugget97]

Thank you @getofflex as always you are extremely helpful. I will try out that method. I need to just say to my mind you don’t need to overthink this to make sure it’s not you, you know this isn’t you. I really hope your OCD is going well throughout this time.

[Nugget97]

Thought I’d do another little update. Since that last nasty wave in mid July things haven’t been the best. It seems that things have completely flipped. Before the big wave that I had, I was getting mostly windows and the odd evening wave, things were looking up. Now it’s completely the opposite, I find myself in more waves than ever with the odd few days I’d get here and there as windows. I mean I should be grateful that I still do get windows but dear god this is tough. It just makes me lose all hope and when you feel hopeless you feel even worse. Last week I had 5 days that felt nearly like my withdrawal normal- the odd lingering anxiety some evenings but mentally felt very good even thinking back to my Intrusive thoughts days and going wow how did I even think like that! Then this week the intrusive thoughts are back, which of course is just typical. Now they aren’t as bad as they have been but just the fact that they are back and I’m not used to them is scary.
 

Physically as well I’m not feeling the best. I got the scariest feeling in my head the other day when I was talking to my boyfriend. Out of knowhere I literally thought I was going to pass out and have a stroke or something. It was like some weird thing went through my head it’s very hard to explain but it lasted about 3 seconds and really put me on edge. I honestly don’t know if it was a brain zap? I still get jolts when I’m about to fall asleep and when my eyes move when they are closed but this was different. I’ve always been waking up with racing palpitations as well. Honestly though as bad as they are I would rather these than the mental torture of intrusive thoughts and OCD. 
 

I have booked myself a CBT therapy session next week. I don’t know if it’s going to help but I literally had 2 weeks there were it was like my mind was trying to convince me I was a lesbian. At first it was funny and I was like haha what when I thought what if I’m a lesbian but then I completely spiralled and eveytime I saw a woman I felt the need to make sure I wasn’t attractive to them by imagining them naked with me. The worst thing was over time while I was appalled at first at the thought because I kept getting them I wasn’t as appalled because it was the same thought over which sent my mind into over drive thinking “omg I’m not as appalled anymore it’s like I’m getting used to the idea” even though it was just I was getting used to the image. I think it’s all just fear because I had been so insecure in my relationship with this withdrawal and I was so upset at the thought of losing my boyfriend that this thought popped in and freaked me. Thankfully like I said before I had about 5 days where both my intrusive thoughts and OCD thoughts about being a lesbian subsided and I was like oh god how did I ever have those thoughts. 
 

im just wondering as I’m curious how does OCD and intrusive thoughts suddenly develop during withdrawal? Does anyone know what is happening to the brain when this happens? I’m very worried that I’ve just suddenly made myself permanently OCD from this experience as I was a slight overthinker before this (nothing even remotely this bad though). I try read the success stories as much as possible on here but I don’t come across a lot of recovered people that mention having OCD. Mentally it is the worst thing imaginable. 

[Go2zero]

I notice myself that OCD can come up and can go again after some time. When I was having heavy WD symptoms they could increase and last longer periods (many weeks). Also in stressful period they often increase. In less heavier WD periods, it sometimes lasts for 2-3 weeks.

 

When getting more stable, I  often can look more as an observer to it.

 

This is a good video from Mooji , which may help.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZaCnyMN-Zw

 

Also know that WD can do crazy things with our thoughts. This is NOT who we really are. These are WD symptoms. Observing it without identifying with it can be very helpful. Do you do Mindfulness meditation? This can really help you to become an observer of your thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

 

Good stuff to read:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/14397-neuro-emotions/

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Nugget97]

Thanks a mill @Go2zero for your helpful insight. Did you have OCD before withdrawal or did it come on as a symptom and as you said got worse in waves? Thank you for the video I will look at it now! I started to listen to this chat that is sort of a meditation that one of the people on here suggested on someone else’s thread. It’s quite nice to do I don’t know if it’s helping just yet but I will keep at it! 
 

the thing I’m most worried about is that I am now permanently with OCD because of this extended period of withdrawal and that it will never go away when I never had OCD before ( was only an overthinker). I have read that there is withdrawal induced OCD that isn’t permanent OCD just our brains repairing themselves? I’m really hoping this is true? I did also read that anything we didn’t have before withdrawal won’t stick with us so I’m holding on to that! 

[Nugget97]

I just thought I’d mention that I have just come off an hour online CBT session and it was the worst idea. The woman that I had just outright said to me that this isn’t withdrawal and that the drugs would be way out of my system now. She told me to get medical help. I’ve just been crying and crying since the video call ended. I tried to tell her that it’s a real thing and she made me seem like I was mad. I am so upset. 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

17 minutes ago, Nugget97 said:

I just thought I’d mention that I have just come off an hour online CBT session and it was the worst idea. The woman that I had just outright said to me that this isn’t withdrawal and that the drugs would be way out of my system now. She told me to get medical help. I’ve just been crying and crying since the video call ended. I tried to tell her that it’s a real thing and she made me seem like I was mad. I am so upset. 

Don’t let urself be upset about a therapist who knows S**t about these drugs. My husband is a medical doctor and in the begging of my adverse reaction to few weeks of Zoloft, he was telling me it isn’t the drug since I have stopped it but I have developed a serious mental illness and just need a different drug …. My husband of so many years, who knew me better than anybody else and that I have never ever dealt with mental issues , he was assuming at my 40s, I all of a sudden became mentally ill….,it couldn’t possibly be an effect of an FDA approved drug which has been in the market for so many years. Witnessing my continuing suffering for the last 10 months now and all the horrific and unexplained symptoms not only he believes me but he does whatever he can to help me. What do u expect from a total stranger? Forget the therapist, she isn’t ur problem. This justification of “the drug being out of ur system” so can’t cause any further harm is ridiculous. Yes, indeed, the drug is out of ur bloodstream, but while it was in ur bloodstream and brain it caused damage that ur brain is trying to fix now. Let’s assume someone was taking an X drug for an X condition, and one of the side effects of this drug was to increase the blood pressure, and one day it increased it so much that caused a serious stroke, the doctor advices the patient to quit the drug, the drug will be out of the patient’s system in few days, will the stroke heal immediately once the drug is out? Of course not! It will just not get worst… Or what about people who get blind after using an SSRi (due to eyeangle closure- described in AD drugs leaflet) if they quit the drug do they get their vision back!?? No! Unfortunately, the “movement “ caused in the angle is permanent. Forget ur therapist , unfortunate choice, focus on ur healing

[Nugget97]

Hi @JesusSavemefromWD thank you so much for your input, it’s really put me at ease. I had heard of people going to doctors/therapists and being told this type of thing but having dealt with it first hand it is truly so upsetting. I’m sorry your husband doubted you at the start but so very glad you have his support now. Thankfully my family are all supportive and my doctor even acknowledged it was a thing. It’s just I did have doubts to begin with and yes I do have fears that what is happening to me now will never subside so when somebody mentions this I just get so upset because it’s my fear. 
 

how are you doing now? Sorry to hear you have been hurting for 10 months. I hope you are having some sort of windows? I was only on lexapro for a few weeks too with increased anxiety and new depression that caused me to quit- so kinda an adverse reaction, so I know how you feel. It doesn’t feel right that we only took it for a couple of weeks and months down the line we are feeling bad still. 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

1 minute ago, Nugget97 said:

Hi @JesusSavemefromWD thank you so much for your input, it’s really put me at ease. I had heard of people going to doctors/therapists and being told this type of thing but having dealt with it first hand it is truly so upsetting. I’m sorry your husband doubted you at the start but so very glad you have his support now. Thankfully my family are all supportive and my doctor even acknowledged it was a thing. It’s just I did have doubts to begin with and yes I do have fears that what is happening to me now will never subside so when somebody mentions this I just get so upset because it’s my fear. 
 

how are you doing now? Sorry to hear you have been hurting for 10 months. I hope you are having some sort of windows? I was only on lexapro for a few weeks too with increased anxiety and new depression that caused me to quit- so kinda an adverse reaction, so I know how you feel. It doesn’t feel right that we only took it for a couple of weeks and months down the line we are feeling bad still. 

Thank u for asking how I am doing. Unfortunately I am very bad, no windows, constant suffering, a light reduction of symptoms after 10pm but nothing to make me feel “human”. But I do sleep ok at nights, so every day I say “I just have to make it till time to sleep”. I was a very strong woman (mentally) and very healthy before zoloft. few weeks Zoloft debilitated me mentally and physically, so if I ever get out of this I ll direct my scientific background as a neuroscientist to increase awareness… these drugs can be lethal…. I mean it … they can mentally or physically kill someone… no one tells u … I contact the FDA and they said “well there is a “black warning box” yea right … I don’t know about other countries but here in Canada u don’t get to see the black box cause u get a few pills supply dispensed in a little container with a sticker of ur name and drug name and dr who prescribe it. And even if u had seen the black box, I consulted 3-4 doctors before using Zoloft and they all reassured me it is a very mild and safe AD…. 🤬