Alan1234: desperately seeking help

[Rosetta]

I try to understand how you must feel although I can’t completely understand as I have not been through that particular circumstance.  However, I want you to think of what you would tell a friend if that person had a severe prolonged withdrawal to the degree you do.  What would you tell that friend?  I think you would see, having been in WD yourself, that a terrible tragedy had befallen him, and he was doing the absolute best he could.  It’s truly analogous to having suffered a severe brain injury in terms of functionally.  You are not at fault for being unable to work.  You are a person who has been injured by medical malpractice.  Your daughters are unlucky, but not because they have you as a father, and you have “ mental health” issues.  It’s because a doctor hurt you — several doctors hurt you.  This is not your fault, and it seems to me you are doing the best you can.  

[benihanna]

Alan I can relate to u. Ive lost everything, a few months ago I was working, had my kids, etc. Then I went up and down on effexor and went psychotic and was in and out of the hospital all summer. Now I have nothing, I have tremors, I live with my mother and think about suicide about every minute of everyday. Worse yet im stuck on pristiq and desperately want to taper off because the reinstatement didnt work and im worried i kindled and its making me worse, but cant confidently do it because im still terrified im to unstable and ill make things much worse. Then the uncertainty about whether to go on or off the drugs throws gasoline on it, thats what kills us is not knowing what to do. Hang in there, u dont deserve any of this. 

[Faure]

@Alan1234, it’s probably worth tagging Altostrata so she knows the itching is better and she can see the description of your suicidal thoughts - she may well have some useful advice. 
 

Good news the itching is much better ☺️
 

Alto recommended this group to someone the other day. It’s based in the USA and the times may not work but thought I’d mention it as you’re looking for support. 
 

https://www.meetup.com/global-psychmed-support-network/

[Alan1234]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I try to understand how you must feel although I can’t completely understand as I have not been through that particular circumstance.  However, I want you to think of what you would tell a friend if that person had a severe prolonged withdrawal to the degree you do.  What would you tell that friend?  I think you would see, having been in WD yourself, that a terrible tragedy had befallen him, and he was doing the absolute best he could.  It’s truly analogous to having suffered a severe brain injury in terms of functionally.  You are not at fault for being unable to work.  You are a person who has been injured by medical malpractice.  Your daughters are unlucky, but not because they have you as a father, and you have “ mental health” issues.  It’s because a doctor hurt you — several doctors hurt you.  This is not your fault, and it seems to me you are doing the best you can.  

I am trying my best it’s all the not knowing, uncertainty and the severity of symptoms. It’s would the ‘best’ be me taking medication so maybe I could return to work for my family. Should I take that risk for them as it’s not just as simple as me living with the symptoms. I know you are really trying to help and I’m so grateful. I’m just telling you what my mind tells me every minute of the day almost 

[Alan1234]

6 hours ago, benihanna said:

Alan I can relate to u. Ive lost everything, a few months ago I was working, had my kids, etc. Then I went up and down on effexor and went psychotic and was in and out of the hospital all summer. Now I have nothing, I have tremors, I live with my mother and think about suicide about every minute of everyday. Worse yet im stuck on pristiq and desperately want to taper off because the reinstatement didnt work and im worried i kindled and its making me worse, but cant confidently do it because im still terrified im to unstable and ill make things much worse. Then the uncertainty about whether to go on or off the drugs throws gasoline on it, thats what kills us is not knowing what to do. Hang in there, u dont deserve any of this. 

@benihanna yes you are exactly right. It is the uncertainty of knowing what to do and it does throw gasoline on the fire. When your decisions whether to go on or off drugs affects your life to the extent it affects the welfare of your children it becomes the hardest decision in the world 

[Alan1234]

13 minutes ago, Faure said:

@Alan1234, it’s probably worth tagging Altostrata so she knows the itching is better and she can see the description of your suicidal thoughts - she may well have some useful advice. 
 

Good news the itching is much better ☺️
 

Alto recommended this group to someone the other day. It’s based in the USA and the times may not work but thought I’d mention it as you’re looking for support. 
 

https://www.meetup.com/global-psychmed-support-network/

Thanks @Faure I have requested to join. Yes it’s better about the itching. I’ still feel a constant low level prickly heat sensations on my upper body but generally much better 

[Alan1234]

7 hours ago, benihanna said:

Alan I can relate to u. Ive lost everything, a few months ago I was working, had my kids, etc. Then I went up and down on effexor and went psychotic and was in and out of the hospital all summer. Now I have nothing, I have tremors, I live with my mother and think about suicide about every minute of everyday. Worse yet im stuck on pristiq and desperately want to taper off because the reinstatement didnt work and im worried i kindled and its making me worse, but cant confidently do it because im still terrified im to unstable and ill make things much worse. Then the uncertainty about whether to go on or off the drugs throws gasoline on it, thats what kills us is not knowing what to do. Hang in there, u dont deserve any of this. 

I feel exactly the same as you. I have lost everything too. I’m now living with my elderly mother who I have to care for. It’s not helping her either seeing the state I’m in. I really don’t know what to do. I hope you are doing well today 

[Alan1234]

I managed to sleep last night after taking Zopliclone. I have woken up with the usual anxiety raging. I also feel very very down and tearful again today. I notice this often feels worse after I have managed to sleep which is strange 

[Alan1234]

11 hours ago, Alan1234 said:

My thoughts are always centred around regrets about decisions I’ve made in the past meaning I’m not financially stable, not been able to help my daughters as I would wish. I have no finances/assets anything and about feeling inadequate and incapable of being well enough to be able to cope with ‘normal’ life to be able to give them money or help them get in the property ladder etc etc. I feel like I’m a failure to them and In life and they deserved better to be brought into this world with a father like me with mental health issues etc. 
I then ruminate of the present that although I’m relatively young i fear for how or when im well enough to change this situation. Im also listed for a double level lumbar fusion as I have a scoliosis that has caused my spine to degenerate quite young. I’ve obviously put this operation off as it’s a major surgery where I require both a ALIF and PLIF and im not any fit state to deal with it in the near future. I know rationally the anxiety I have over the financial things won’t help in any way but i feel suicidal because I have no income and im not entitled to any benefits at the moment as im still married to my wife and have to prove separation, I don’t know when im going to be realistically capable of working again and also knowing will need further substantial time off in the future to have a spinal surgery and again won’t have any income. They have told me this could be the potential cause of my bladder issue so if it keeps getting worse I will have no option but to have it done. I think more likely it’s my anxiety that is causing that. I’m just constantly scared and worried about the future and the above just overwhelms me constantly. I realise if I wasn’t in withdrawal I would be in a much better stronger place mentally to rationally deal with it.

@Altostrata

[Alan1234]

I feel awful again today I’m sorry.

I have no one else to talk to or who understands.

I’ve been crying all morning and feel crushed with depression.

ive done 10mins if breathing bit not I’m super anxious again. No one outside of this community or should I say my local Doc, Psychiatrist or my family know what this condition or syndrome is. I’m really worried about myself and my future. I’m completely lost and don’t understand why I’m not healing daily but from March of this year seemingly getting worse. I can’t escape it. I look in the mirror and I have skin complaints all over my face and my clothes don’t fit me anymore I’ve lost that much weight. 
 

I don’t know what to do anymore I realise that writing all these negative comments on here daily isn’t helping me either. I just feel trapped and tortured in a bad dream. I can’t see or know how to cope or what to do. 
 

I literally don’t what to wake up anymore I can’t deal with this 

[Alan1234]

I don’t want to take medication I really don’t I despise what it has done to me and how it has affected my life. I just don’t see any other way out to stop this torture. I don’t understand how my mental state can be so bad 

[Alan1234]

I can’t take the antibiotics to help cure my skin conditions on my face because they make me worse.

 

the last two days my vision is off in reaction to light again it’s making me dizzy 

 

I had my first window last night for 2/3hrs almost for a long time but then this waking like this I feel like this is the biggest wave again. I can’t even make it though a full day 

 

arrrgghhh

[Altostrata]

Can you use topical medications for your skin condition? Can you get a second opinion from a specialist?

 

Are you eating fresh foods and vegetables, no artificial flavorings or additives? You may be sensitive to those chemicals.

 

When was the last time you had a blood test for levels of folate, B12, vitamin D?

 

9 hours ago, Alan1234 said:

No one outside of this community or should I say my local Doc, Psychiatrist or my family know what this condition or syndrome is.

 

This is the situation of most people here, Alan. Try to stay calm and not to worry. If your symptoms are drug-related, most likely keeping your system stable will help them clear up.

 

Already you can see the itching is much better? That is an improvement, isn't it?

 

What drugs are you taking now, at what times o'clock and dosages?

 

On 10/20/2021 at 2:54 PM, Alan1234 said:

My thoughts are always centred around regrets about decisions I’ve made in the past meaning I’m not financially stable, not been able to help my daughters as I would wish. I have no finances/assets anything and about feeling inadequate and incapable....

 

These are thoughts you can manage, Alan. A counselor or psychotherapist can coach you in those skills. Also see

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you.  Hang in there.  It will be worth it.

[Faure]

On 10/21/2021 at 2:05 PM, Alan1234 said:

I had my first window last night for 2/3hr

Hey Alan, things are very slowly improving 1) you had this window 2) the itching is much much better 3) you had a good Saturday a week or two ago. Are you making a note of improvements so you can look back and see there are some? However small they may feel, it sounds like they are happening, that’s very positive news. 

How have your most recent days been?

 

[Alan1234]

Hey 

I’m sorry my last four days have been horrendous. I’ve been having constant waves of panic attacks. My tinnitus has gotten worse and I can’t sleep ans struggling to eat. I can no longer go outside or tolerate moving much from my bed. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on 

[Rosetta]

Alan, 

I’m sorry to hear that.  I was worried that the Vortioxetine would cause more symptoms.  From what I have seen before, they will fade away as long as one does not keep taking the drug.  I say this so that you don’t think you will be having these symptoms a long time.

 

This is very challenging to live through, but you can do it.  You have to think just one hour into the future at a time.  Your body will, miraculously, sleep enough to keep you going.  
 

How is your mom doing?

Rosetta

 

[Faure]

Oh no Alan, so sorry you are suffering like this 🙁 

[Alan1234]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Alan, 

I’m sorry to hear that.  I was worried that the Vortioxetine would cause more symptoms.  From what I have seen before, they will fade away as long as one does not keep taking the drug.  I say this so that you don’t think you will be having these symptoms a long time.

 

This is very challenging to live through, but you can do it.  You have to think just one hour into the future at a time.  Your body will, miraculously, sleep enough to keep you going.  
 

How is your mom doing?

Rosetta

 

I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to write about my current situation directly on my thread. I tried to direct Mail/message you but it won’t allow it

 

Alan 

[Rosetta]

Ok,  I will try to empty my mailbox.

[Rosetta]

You can try again to message me. @Alan1234

[Rosetta]

Alan,

I hope you can find a way to take this illness one day at a time, or one hour at a time, until you are safe from self-harm.  Having a place to live and food to eat are all that you need.  The sadness that you cannot provide for your daughter must be overwhelming, but I can assure you that staying alive so that she has hope that you will be with her again is more than enough of a task for you right now.  By doing that you are being the best father you can be at the moment.  I understand that all too well.  I think you are remarkable, and I should know.

Yours, Rosetta

[Alan1234]

21 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Alan,

I hope you can find a way to take this illness one day at a time, or one hour at a time, until you are safe from self-harm.  Having a place to live and food to eat are all that you need.  The sadness that you cannot provide for your daughter must be overwhelming, but I can assure you that staying alive so that she has hope that you will be with her again is more than enough of a task for you right now.  By doing that you are being the best father you can be at the moment.  I understand that all too well.  I think you are remarkable, and I should know.

Yours, Rosetta

Rosetta 

I am moved by your powerful caring thoughts and how you have always stood at my side while others in my life have abandoned me. Knowing there are people like you who are there for me gives me hope and the strength to keep trying to put one foot forward. 
 

I have found a powerful book today that if I can learn and use the wisdom within could really help me. It is called overcoming intrusive thoughts by Sally M Winston.  
 

According to her ideas the way I have been ‘trying’ to get better with how I approach my thoughts and reactions has just cemented my thoughts processes and emotions and worked paradoxically. 
 

The book is great, reading is easy. I must aim to take onboard the approach in it. 
 

God bless

Alan  

[Rosetta]

How interesting.  Intrusive thoughts are awful.  I hope the book helps you.

 

I’m glad I have helped you.  That’s something good to have come from the horrible experience I have had.  
 

Rosetta

[benesh]

Rosetta, Alan and others,

So helped by reading this thread. I can so relate to your words Alan 1234. Desperate is an understatement. And yet through it all I hear the reassuring words of hope from Rosetta and others. I will look into the book you mentioned Alan1234.

Today I choose to ease into the day, not forcing or demanding recovery. Gently reminding myself I am doing the best I know to do. Trusting that God is healing me this very moment.

Hoping and praying for more sweet relief for you Alan1234.

Benesh

[Rosetta]

I hope you are doing ok.  - Rosetta

[benesh]

Rosetta…

How did you taper zoloft?

wish I could find a psychiatrist. Such a challenge trying to figure this out on my own.

benesh

[Faure]

Alan, how are you? I hope you are ok. 

[Rosetta]

Me, too.

[Alan1234]

23 hours ago, Faure said:

Alan, how are you? I hope you are ok. 

Hi @Faure

im not as depressed now however I have new symptoms daily panic attacks that I’ve never had in my life before. I’m also on sleeping medication so just hanging in here.

I hope you are ok and thank you for your kind thoughts 

[Alan1234]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Me, too.

Hi Rosetta 

 

thank you for your kind thought.

im less depressed but I have a new symptom. I’m getting severe daily panic attacks every evening and my anxiety is at its worst. I’m also on sleeping medication now otherwise I can’t sleep with the anxiety and panic 

[Rosetta]

Ok. I see that your doctor is giving you hormones.  You might consider whether they might be causing your panic attacks.  I hope you feel better soon. -R

[Faure]

That’s good news you’re not feeling so depressed now. Are you managing to get any sleep with the sleeping tablets? I hope so. Keep us posted ☺️

[Alan1234]

2 hours ago, Faure said:

That’s good news you’re not feeling so depressed now. Are you managing to get any sleep with the sleeping tablets? I hope so. Keep us posted ☺️

Thank you for your thoughts.

yes I’m managing about 4hrs then the anxiety wakes me and then I’m unable to get back to sleep. But it’s 4hrs more than I was getting before. 
I really have no idea what to do with all these drugs which ones are ‘helping’ and which aren’t. Some sleep is a bonus but I’ve developed quite marked Rosacea on my face now which is obviously stress related. I’m too scared to go on the antibiotics for it they appear to have potentially triggered this wave in august 

[Alan1234]

Can anyone advise how best to taper Zopliclone 7.5mg? It’s no longer working to keep me asleep. It gets me to sleep for 1/3 hrs at best then the anxiety wakes me up and stops me going back to sleep.

 

I’ve been on it continuously for 5wks with sparse intermittent use over the 12mths previously. 
ive read to decrease by half a 3.75mg tablet every 2wks until down to half of a 3.75mg tablet 

[Faure]

Hi Alan just done a search of SA and found this here:

 

“we recommend a direct, gradual taper from Ambien and other Z-drugs. As they all have very short half-lives -- meaning they wear off during the day -- you might try a 25% reduction perweek.

 

If you get rebound insomnia, reinstate the full dose for several nights and then reduce by 12.5% or less per week, according to your own sensitivity.” From Altostrata 

 

How are you?