Katherine: is this where i do introduction??

[katherine]

i'd forgotten i'd joined this site over a year ago!?  really not sure this is where i should be doing introduction?  anyways ... i'm a young 69 year old female.  about 16 years ago i found out through mutual work friends that my partner was seeing someone.  i had been working at same company as my partner but took early retirement to stay home with our son.  he worked downtown and i was in the suburbs.  i wasn't heartbroken just angry and was determined to find out if he was still seeing her (same friends had seen them together) even tho he told me he'd stopped things the year before.  he wouldn't talk to me about any of it when i asked questions ... he just got angry or left the room or house.  so i was left with my imagination and turned into a super--sleuth with ocd.  worked myself into a real tizzy over a few month and at doctor's appointment told him about all this and he prescribed citalopram which calmed me down really quickly.  i was in no position to leave him and liked my life (part-time job working at local elementary school with kids with learning disabilities, art classes so started painting again) so stayed in the relationship.  he seemed very sorry and wanted to work things out even tho he still wouldn't talk about it and lasted only one session with marriage therapist because he was embarrassed.  oh yes, he was also emotionally abusive... bad temper, mean streak but had lovely qualities as well.  i insisted he see someone about his anger.  things improved a bit so i hung in.  about 7 years ago he started with the horrible moods/blowups again and a couple of times directed his anger at our son (maybe 16/17 yrs.?) and that really got me upset. he blew up at me a couple more times and during one blowout said he/we might as well split up, move, sell everything, throw the towel and i told him i thought that as a good idea which shocked him.  took me a few more years to come to a financial agreement with him (he didn't want to break up and every time i brought stuff up he made it very difficult ... during this time we were very civil with each other) and to find a suitable place for myself and our son.  i was having anxiety here and there but was under a lot of stress and he really frightened me.  i'd never had an anxious or depressed day in my life other tan just normal stuff. i started drinking vodka in the evenings (not drunk!) and took up smoking a bit of weed here and there after stopping it years before.  3 years ago my son and i moved into a lovely townhouse and the day i moved my anxiety got really bad.  started drinking and smoking a bit more and started doing some research on antidepressants.  i began thinking they weren't doing any good so tried to get off but did it too quickly and ended up a basketcase and on them again.  felt better for a while but the anxiety was bad.  lost interest in painting, socializing, reading, gardening, cleaning ... hated everything.  for me it was all in my gut ... despair, fear, confusion, guilt, sadness all roiling around ... no bad thoughts except my brain never slowed down with stupid stuff over and over.  a few months ago i got myself down to one beer a night and hardly smoke dope at all and mid-may started weaning myself off citalopram ... stopped about a month ago.  oh yes about 3 years i started taking lorazepam every now and then as needed and it works quite well.  (was only on 20mg. citalopram and 1 mg. lorazepam).  i really started feeling better a couple of months ago to the point i had she days where i almost felt like my old self but that didn't last.  i'm now back with anxiety and covid hasn't helped of course.  i know there are things i could force myself to do to feel better but i just freeze! will i ever get back to my happy peaceful self ???

[katherine]

i'd forgotten i'd joined this site over a year ago!?  really not sure this is where i should be doing introduction?  anyways ... i'm a young 69 year old female.  about 16 years ago i found out through mutual work friends that my partner was seeing someone.  i had been working at same company as partner but took early retirement to stay home with our son.  he worked downtown and i was in the suburbs.  

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a peer owned and run forum of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling with these issues.  This sounds pretty challenging.  It sounds to me like you have been in an abusive relationship and that is a huge stressor for anybody.  

 

Are you having any other symptoms besides anxiety?  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst, how bad are your symptoms now? 

 

Can you please give us specific information about your drug history for all drugs you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise list (no symptoms), only specific dates (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day) and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.  Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some information about how these drugs actually work.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

 

Also, as we are recovering, we suggest keeping things slow, simple, and stable. 

 

Keep it Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

 

When we recover, there are times of feeling OK mixed in with times of feeling bad.  That could be why you were feeling better for a while, then the anxiety came back.  This is called windows and waves.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

For anxiety try these: 

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

 

Magnesium 

 

Omega 3 Fish Oil

5 hours ago, katherine said:

will i ever get back to my happy peaceful self ???

I personally feel you stand a very good chance of getting back to your old self.  There are many success stories of people on here who have had a wonderful recovery.  However, it takes time, and a lot of patience.  

 

I've given you quite a bit of information here.  Please read through it, and mull it over, and we will take it from there. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and take heart.  We in this forum have been through this, and we understand first hand the pain and discomfort you are going through.  Please know that the brain is amazing in it's healing abilities.  It takes time, but healing can and will happen. 

[katherine]

oh my goodness ... just checked into this site and didn't realize someone had so kindly responded (getofflex).  thanks so much!

 

citalopram:  2005-2020 (approx) ... 20 mg.  with increased dose (40 mg.)  2012-2016 (very approx.!)

lorazepam:   2005-2021 (approx) ... 1 mg.  ... never used this drug to begin with for years.  doctor prescribed it at same time as citalopram)... maybe help to sleep every now and then or if had to fly ... VERY VERY occasional use.  2018 -2021 started to use more frequently when moved into my new home and anxiety really escalated ... never more than 2 mg. daily (if that).  tried cbd oil ... didn't work.  so hard to remember timelines!  now (last year since i stopped citalopram) only as needed ... 1/2 of 1 mg. am, same evening ... sometimes i've had a day where don't need it (maybe 5 days since quitting citapopram last march).

 

i'm going to go back and re-read what you wrote again.

 

p.s.  i had my dna done at CAMH in toronto and they found that citalopram was not a good drug for me ... "use with caution, monitor closely".

 

still experiencing anxiety/depression but for the past week don't have that hideously overwhelming  gut anxiety roiling around.  seems to have moved to outer extremities ... tingly nerves all under skin and a bit shaky at same time??

 

i hope i'm able to find your reply ... i find this site confusing!

[getofflex]

It's good to see you back again.  Thanks for providing your drug information.  Now, can you possibly cut and paste it into your signature box?  Click on your name in the upper right hand corner of the screen, then select "account settings" on the left, then select "signature".  

On 4/24/2021 at 12:03 PM, katherine said:

a few months ago i got myself down to one beer a night and hardly smoke dope at all and mid-may started weaning myself off citalopram ... stopped about a month ago.

So am I correct in understanding you were on the citalopram until March 2021?  That conflicts with what you said above, citalopram until 2020.  Perhaps I misunderstood. 

 

How often do you take the lorazepam on average? 

 

6 hours ago, katherine said:

 

still experiencing anxiety/depression but for the past week don't have that hideously overwhelming  gut anxiety roiling around.

That's good - it sounds like things are improving.  It takes a long time for our nervous systems to heal from these drugs.  Did you read any of the links I gave you in my first post on April 24?  there is a lot of good information on this site.  Also, check out the link for non drug coping skills.  

 

Are there any specific questions you have about using the site?  Hopefully it will get less confusing as you explore it.  

[katherine]

hello again ...  i'm not very good with cut/paste?  got to signature section and wasn't sure what to do. i'll try again.  yes i guess my last bit of celexa was this past march... so 2021 not 2020.  i still have yet to read other links you sent... probably do that now.  it's different just about every day re: lorazepam.  s i mention my presc. says no more than 2 pills daily (1 mg. each).  mostly 1/2 mg. am and then same before bed.  sometimes just 3/4 mg. am and nothing eve. or vice versa.  i usually do take 1/2mg. around 10pm ... depending on what i've taken during the day.  i take as needed ... only when anxiety is bad.  i have had a few days here and there since march where nothing needed!  so i guess on average it would boil down to 1/2 mg am and same eve. before bed ...

 

i just read that celexa is one of the hardest to come off of?  

 

my anxiety was in my gut ... anytime i'd think of anything it would cause an emotion (extremely intense and usually irrational)) and all this emotion would just sit heavy in my gut causing great discomfort so i always went around feeling sort of nauseous?  (extreme butterflies in stomach!)  my brain would never shut down esp. early morning.  wake up at 5 am and not be able to sleep because of brain just constantly thinking of so much.  i'm a very empathetic person so also seem to take on others pain/feelings (those very close to me).   pure agony and just paralyzed me.  depression seeping in here and there.  all totally debilitating.  anyways the feeling in my gut seems to have almost disappeared in the last week ... feeling a bit lighter?  "anxiety" seems to have moved onto outer extremeties  (skin and underlying nerves? - hard to explain) ... feeling a bit tingly all over and somewhat shaky?  nothing horrible ... better than gut feeling.  find i go around "disliking" everything and feeling disassociated from myself ... feeling so strange in any surrounding ... at home , friends, outdoors ... 

 

right now feeling quite relaxed and no anxiety ... going to read links and figure out "signature"???

 

thanks again

[katherine]

oh dear ... so sorry for repeating myself ... 

[getofflex]

7 hours ago, katherine said:

i'm not very good with cut/paste?  got to signature section and wasn't sure what to do. i'll try again.

Just go ahead and type the information in the signature box, and then click "save".  Thank you. It looks like you have a start on your drug sig already, it just needs to be updated to show your drug info for the past couple of years.  I only see up to 2015.  

 

Here are some links that address the symptoms you describe.  I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  I know it sucks.  I've been there, done that.  

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

Digestive Problems, Nausea, etc.

 

Ruminations, Repetitive Thoughts, Etc.

 

Tingling, Paresthesia, etc.

 

7 hours ago, katherine said:

right now feeling quite relaxed and no anxiety

That's great!!  Sounds like you are having a nice window.