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KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)


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KittenLePurr

KittenLePurr, here. Thank you so much for maintaining this site and for welcoming me here❤️

 

I was put on psych meds as a child, at age 12. I'm still working through a lot of anger around that. My parents did the best they could but, you know, they were traumatized by their parents, who were traumatized by their parents, etc., and they were all taught to blindly trust doctors and to essentially live in fear of their bodies. Thanks, Western medicine. Anyway, so, as a highly sensitive child who felt deeply depressed and uncomfortable in the world, I presented quite a set of challenges to my parents.

 

I had a month-and-a-half-long period at age 11, so my mom took me to an OBGYN who did no tests or anything to see what was up with my hormones; she just wrote me a prescription for birth control. 🙄 My mom was concerned about that but gave it to me. I became even more depressed after that and, when I was 12, told my mom I thought I needed help. She took me to a counselor who suggested I see a psychiatrist, who wrote me a prescription for Zoloft. Oh, and talk therapy. The gold standard of care. 

 

Zoloft and therapy didn't seem to help, so I was then put on Prozac...and then, on a whole host of other meds. I took a jumbled handful of different cocktails I can’t even remember, including Effexor, Wellbutrin, Trazadone, Remeron, and a number of mood stabilizers. It was a rollercoaster on top of the hormonal rollercoaster I was already on, being a preteen on birth control. At age 13, things felt increasingly bleak, as I was having issues with my friends at school and felt unloved and completely hopeless, and I decided it was time to end it. I took as many pills from the medicine cabinet as I could without throwing up and lay down in my bed, waiting to die. But it took too long; I got impatient and decided maybe I didn’t really want to die...not if it meant lying there, excruciatingly nauseated. So when my dad got home, I told him I needed to go to the hospital and they pumped my stomach.

 

The pills I'd taken the most of were Effexor leftover from my brief stint on it months prior. I thought I was going to throw up the charcoal until a social worker put a cool washcloth on my forehead, and the nausea passed and I felt this giant wave of relief and joy from still being alive. I told my psychiatrist about that, and she took that to mean Effexor was a good med for me. So I went back on it and stabilized on Remeron, and over the next few years, things did get a little better. Meaning we were sort of managing my depression. But I was still deeply, deeply troubled. 

 

I was attracted to drugs and alcohol because I was so depressed and uncomfortable in my own skin and altered states felt better to me. I was on a constant quest to find the best and most complete escape from the pain of normal, everyday life and started partying and skipping school to smoke pot and take drugs. I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Adderall, which gave me horrible side effects but also appeased my longing to escape sobriety, so I took more and more of it. Up to 120mg a day. I flunked out of public school and my parents sent me to private school, at which point I finally chilled out on the partying and graduated. I was managing my symptoms a little better. 

 

In college, I had a serious boyfriend who pointed out it was not normal for a girl like me to have such severe sexual dysfunction. I’d never been told anything about that by my doctor or even realized it was abnormal, and when I found it was a common side effect of antidepressants, I was outraged and decided to stop taking my antidepressants, cold turkey, between doctor’s visits. I’d never heard of withdrawal symptoms. But I didn’t experience any! Different biology?? I don’t know. When I told my doc I’d stopped taking the meds, she was pretty surprised that I seemed okay. This was the most stable period of my life. I wasn’t “happy” or even well-adjusted but I was managing, even after I got off the meds. I wonder why my more recent experiences have been so different. 

 

I’d developed TMJ my senior year and in college, guzzling Adderall and stressing out, my anxiety and jaw pain got much, much worse. I would have flare-ups where it felt like my jaw muscles were being stabbed with an ice pick. I went to the emergency for a particularly bad episode and asked my psychiatrist if there was anything she recommended. She prescribed lorazepam. I started off only taking that here and there for my jaw but eventually, it became a daily habit for anxiety. Life was just better when I took it. It’s what I’d always been searching for: peace. I vowed never to take antidepressants again but benzos were okay in my book because I had no idea they also came with a slew of negative side effects, and they made a much bigger difference in how I felt. For a while, anyway. Eventually I graduated to Klonipin and was taking 1-2 mg a day, every day, sometimes more.

 

I dropped out of college to pursue a music career and my love of getting inebriated spiraled out of control. During a particularly low point in my life, I started taking pain pills to get through work and got addicted to them. I spent the next few years battling opioid addiction which progressed to heroin addiction. I checked myself into rehab in 2012 and during that month, I was put on Lexapro for depression and Seroquil for sleep. Seroquil made me feel frightened, so I talked to the doctor and he put me on Remeron again. I was like a zombie. And I couldn’t stop eating the junk food they had there. I felt AWFUL. So, as soon as I got out, I stopped taking all the meds. Not sure whether I had withdrawals because, unfortunately, I also relapsed.

 

I battled my addiction a while longer until my beloved boyfriend at the time OD’d and died in front of me. I was obviously crushed and blamed myself. I was more depressed than ever but didn’t want to die, so I entered a methadone maintenance program and stopped doing street drugs. I’m so grateful for that methadone clinic...it saved my life. But the doctor there kept urging me to get back on an antidepressant and I didn’t want to. Because I knew it would only be harder this time. But I still had no other coping skills and had these health professionals telling me I had a chemical imbalance and the only way to fix it was with medication, so I relented. I was on 75mg Effexor and 1.5mg Klonipin. 

 

My doc lowered my dose of Klonipin a few times over the next few years; he wanted me to get off of it now that the FDA released a black box warning about cognitive effects. In 2017, I switched from Effexor to 20mg Citalopram, which he thought would help with my anxiety. It didn’t. And she tapered me off the Effexor over the span of about a week and a half...it was brutal! I knew better by that point, too, but I chose to just trust her anyway. I barely slept and the anxiety was incapacitating.
 

It took me a couple of years to connect the dots but Citalopram gave me horrendous brain fog. I’m a writer and musician, and I had a health and wellness blog I really took pride in. Once I was stable on the Citalopram, I stopped feeling able to write or make music entirely. I could barely think straight. For 3 YEARS. And for the first year and a half of that, I thought I was just tired and lazy because my doctor said it wasn’t related. 

 

But in 2017, I discovered holistic psychiatrist Kelly Brogan on a podcast and learned the truth about antidepressants and learned I was not the only person whose creativity was stunted by them. I learned game-changing lifestyle practices that actually DID help with depression and anxiety--unlike the meds--and I underwent a huge health transformation and had an awakening around the medical system and society at large. And I got to a place where I felt more centered, joyful, and more MYSELF than I’d ever thought possible. I vowed to get off meds for good--this time, not to just “manage my mental illness” without meds, but to live a full, vibrant, healthy life. 

 

I was most eager to get off the things that stifle my creativity, so I microtapered off my remaining 0.35mg Klonipin in Spring of 2020. I got through it using my lifestyle practices--clean eating, meditation, intentional movement, grounding, EFT/tapping and emotional regulating practices/shadow work--and had only a few severe panic attacks. The brain fog was INTENSE and I’m so grateful to have been laid off from the lockdown because I could not have worked. I basically lay around all day for months, aside from doing my self-care practices. I tried to move right into tapering Celexa because I want OUT but my body said NOPE just about immediately with severe insomnia, crippling anxiety and even worse brain fog.  I’ve been balancing out over the past year and am feeling 9,000,000,000 times better than I was right off of Klonipin. I’m ready to get off of Celexa.

 

I’ve lowered my dose of methadone over the past several years, too, and I’m at half my original dose. I know this isn’t a forum for that but it’s part of my journey...and getting off an opioid is no walk in the park but I’m honestly concerned that this Celexa taper is going to be even harder. That’s why I signed up here. I’m currently at 14.35 mg; my original dose was 20mg. I don’t really know what to expect (aside from anxiety and sleep disturbances) but I know I’m going to need support. Figuring out the math to do each cut feels really difficult. My brain fog is still really thick. I’m honestly disappointed it hasn’t  improved more by now, having been off Klonipin for almost a year. I’m taking lion’s mane mushrooms, which definitely help but it’s still a challenge.

 

I’m still unemployed and have been hesitant to cut my dose because I keep expecting to lose my unemployment and have to be able to perform, create, be productive, etc. I don’t feel comfortable going to a workplace with what’s going on out there now, so I started learning copywriting last year during lockdown and was planning to start a freelancing business but kept going back and forth between prioritizing that and my healing. I couldn’t write during Klonipin withdrawal; I don’t know if I’ll be able to during this taper. I have so much fear around this. I’m doing a lot of inner work, a course called Core Wound Healing and lots of shadow work, which I know will help me through this. Still, it’s difficult. So much fear!

 

But since I only have 1 ongoing freelance client and it’s really easy work, I’m back to prioritizing my healing, and I cut my dose by 10% this morning. I’m just telling myself “I got this” over and over. Going to see how I feel in a few days, a week, 2 weeks. And I’ll go from there.

 

Thank you so much if you made it to this point!! I know this was a novel!! (I'm a writer...I edited this about 10 times but brevity isn't one of my strong suits😬)

Edited by Gridley

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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KittenLePurr, here. Thank you so much for maintaining this site and for welcoming me here❤️   I was put on psych meds as a child, at age 12. I'm still working through a lot of anger around t

I'm the same way.  I have to work on it continuously.

What happens is that I recognize the pattern when it crops up and simply change my thinking to a more positive, less worrywart attitude. I also let things go.  If I have a negative thought that I'm ru

  • Moderator
Gridley

Welcome to SA, KittenlePurr.  Thank you for completing your drug signature.  I'm sorry you've gone through so much but you really seem on the right track now.  Congratulations on being Klonopin-free.  That's a big accomplishment.

 

Regarding the Citalopram, we recommend tapering by no more than 10% of your current dose every four weeks.  In terms of calculating your dose, if you multiply your current dose by 0.9, that will give you your next dose.  You might be able to go faster that 10% every four weeks or you might have to go slower.  It's best to taper slowly and conservatively.The following link gives you tips on how to determine the tapering rate that's best for you.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

The following link is specifically about tapering Klonopin, including how to get the nonstandard size doses you'll need for your taper.  There are several methods to taper Citalopram, including using a prescription liquid, making your own liquid and using a digital scale to measure tablet doses.  The prescription liquid is probably the easiest and most accurate, but the other methods work well also.  What method are you using to get down from 20mg to 14.35?  

 

Tips for tapering off citalopram (Celexa)

 

The following links will give you a better idea about withdrawal and the healing process.

 

 

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

These explain the healing process really well.

 

 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. Get supplements that are single ingredient (not mixed with other types of supplements).

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • Gridley changed the title to KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)
KittenLePurr

Thank you so much for all these wonderful resources! I forgot to mention I've been making my own liquid solution. So thankful to have learned to do that for tapering Klonipin. Makes it so much easier...but the figuring out of how to measure out the new dose can be really tough. I spent like 20 minutes doing calculations and confusing myself over and over the other day! I'm also still working with 20mg pills for some reason, which makes it a little more difficult. Going to call my doc and get 10mg pills first thing Monday. 

 

Once I heard about people making a liquid solution, I started taking 10mg (half a 20mg pill) and diluting 5mg (1/4 pill) in 20ml of water and just measuring out a little more every few days. Did that between Nov. 2019 and March 2020 or so. I guess I just didn't want to do the math at first. Finally started actually calculating and got down to 14.35mg before realizing that was going to take way longer than tapering completely off Klonipin and I was eager to be taking 1 less prescription. So paused that and tapered off Klonipin. That was so much easier as far as math goes...or, rather, the method I used didn't involved much math. I diluted it in 300ml water and just removed 1ml a day. It was tough but at least I didn't have to think super hard! This taper feels so much more complicated for that reason...because figuring out how to get to 12.92mg felt absolutely impossible at first.🤦‍♀️ But I got there, eventually.

 

I was so anxious and all over the place when I initially started tapering Celexa and then when I was tapering Klonipin, I kept adding more supplements to my arsinol, hoping it would bring me peace. I'm still taking Tryptophan, 5-HTP, magnesium (citrate, though--never tried glycinate so that's intriguing,) inositol and phenibut, which helped tremendously with the benzo withdrawal but is addictive in its own right, so that's a concerning thing now🤦‍♀️ Oh and ashwagandha. I've tried cutting some out here just to simplify, and every time, within a few days, I start feeling horrible--anxious and on edge, and sometimes like I'm disconnected from my body. A lot like benzo withdrawal. So I always get back on. I guess I'm just going to stay on the whole gamut until I've balanced out more or realize something isn't working anymore? Have you heard of anyone else having that experience?

 

Thank you for your support and for making it through my life story...I've come to find meaning in every single thing and believe it all kind of had to go down this way in order for me to find my way home, so to speak...and I can't wait to get there. Although I obviously wish it hadn't cost my former boyfriend his life. It's a wild ride, this life.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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  • Moderator
Gridley
15 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

But I got there, eventually.

It sounds like you're doing a great job.

 

16 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

(citrate, though--never tried glycinate so that's intriguing,)

Glycinate has a good reputation for absorbability and lack of laxative effect.  If you decide to switch, make only that switch so you can ascertain which form is better for you.

 

18 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

Oh and ashwagandha. I've tried cutting some out here just to simplify, and every time, within a few days, I start feeling horrible--anxious and on edge, and sometimes like I'm disconnected from my body. A lot like benzo withdrawal. So I always get back on.

It sounds like the regimen is working for you.  Stability is important.  Again, if you try to eliminate a supplement, only eliminate one at a time so you know what's causing what.  There's nothing wrong with staying on the whole supplement gamut if it's working for you.  

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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KittenLePurr

Thank you--this helps more than I can express. I question and pressure myself way too much... It's like there's always this nagging voice in my head that says I should be doing better. And withdrawal makes it loud. Definitely going to try magnesium glycinate and see if my sleep gets any better. I take Benadryl sometimes when I feel like I won't sleep and I know long-term use of that is bad.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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KittenLePurr

So I was feeling OK and then last night, I was eating and suddenly got this wave of derealization. It felt as if I had smoked marijuana and got paranoid, the way it came on so suddenly. Maybe because I started thinking about it and got fearful? Very bizarre. All the hair on my arms stood up and I seriously wondered if I had been drugged. I hadn't been, of course. I calmed myself down by talking it out with my partner and breathing but it was just so strange. 

Still feeling a bit like I'm in a dream today. And the aches and pains have started, although not intolerable. My chronic pain had improved over the past year and now I'm hurting in those same areas. Not too bad though. Just having to be really conscious of where my thoughts go because I can start fearing that this feeling is going to intensify exponentially and it'll be too late to balance out and then I have to pull myself out of it. I don't really know if I should slow down and shoot for absolutely no withdrawal symptoms and take a really long time to do this or if I should stay at 10%. I'm moving soon and possible 4 hours away from my current city and things really feel stressful but I want so badly to be done with this toxic crap, I don't want to draw it out longer than necessary. I know that's not a good priority to have...just thinking aloud here. I feel so impatient right now. 😕 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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  • Moderator
Gridley
Posted (edited)
56 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I don't really know if I should slow down and shoot for absolutely no withdrawal symptoms and take a really long time to do this or if I should stay at 10%. I'm moving soon and possible 4 hours away from my current city and things really feel stressful but I want so badly to be done with this toxic crap,

Absolutely no withdrawal symptoms is not the goal, but WD symptoms should be mild and fade within a few days.  If not, you're going too fast.  What you're experiencing sounds more severe than what is going to work for you.  I would hold where you are and see what happens within the next few days.

 

If symptoms do not fade, that means you should hold until they do, which could take quite a while (perhaps months).  Going too fast in the long run is going to lengthen, not shorten, the process.  

 

We all on this site without exception want off these drugs (I know I do) but going faster than your body can tolerate is not the answer.  10% every four weeks is likely too fast for you.

Edited by Gridley

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Wow, your story is amazing and much of it resonates with me. It’s incredible how far you’ve come, I want to acknowledge that with you. I talk about acceptance a lot, for me it’s the foundation. If we can truly accept what is happening we can rise above our symptoms. Along the way I found that it was my reactions to the symptoms and not the symptoms themselves that were causing my suffering. I have recently started to go deeper in presence work, finding and connecting with that calm and stillness within us. In this place you can experience all manner of things but it doesn’t grab you, you are merely the awareness observing what is happening.

Don’t be afraid of symptoms, accept them and feel them without the thoughts or stories attached to the symptoms. Basically allow yourself to feel whatever is happening in the moment and stop listening to what your mind is telling you. A daily meditation practice has helped me to create space between my true self and my mind. I highly recommend it, especially for anxiety. The key here is it must be done daily to create the space and slow the thoughts down.

Anxiety, insomnia, brain fog and depersonalization were my biggest issues during w/d. I say were because even though I continue to experience them they have absolutely no power over me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence so many of us have deep spiritual awakenings as a result of coming off these medications. 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr

 

On 5/1/2021 at 1:09 PM, Gridley said:

Absolutely no withdrawal symptoms is not the goal, but WD symptoms should be mild and fade within a few days.  If not, you're going too fast.  What you're experiencing sounds more severe than what is going to work for you.  I would hold where you are and see what happens within the next few days.

 

If symptoms do not fade, that means you should hold until they do, which could take quite a while (perhaps months).  Going too fast in the long run is going to lengthen, not shorten, the process.  

 

We all on this site without exception want off these drugs (I know I do) but going faster than your body can tolerate is not the answer.  10% every four weeks is likely too fast for you.

Thank you, Gridley. I actually felt SO much better yesterday and only had a brief moment in the afternoon when I felt tense and anxious and I did some EFT and the wave passed. I slept a little better last night, too. I think my fear of the derealization and anxiety getting even more intense compounded with what I was feeling to make it what it was. I have to remember to surrender.

So if I continue feeling better today, should I still hold for another few weeks? Not that I was going to decrease again right away, just curious. I know it's likely different for everyone but maybe I should feel more balanced for some time before going any further, since pushing too hard could be challenging to re-stabilize from. I need to keep remembering that going faster will make it take longer, not less time.

 

On 5/2/2021 at 8:09 AM, Mia1 said:

Wow, your story is amazing and much of it resonates with me. It’s incredible how far you’ve come, I want to acknowledge that with you. I talk about acceptance a lot, for me it’s the foundation. If we can truly accept what is happening we can rise above our symptoms. Along the way I found that it was my reactions to the symptoms and not the symptoms themselves that were causing my suffering. I have recently started to go deeper in presence work, finding and connecting with that calm and stillness within us. In this place you can experience all manner of things but it doesn’t grab you, you are merely the awareness observing what is happening.

Don’t be afraid of symptoms, accept them and feel them without the thoughts or stories attached to the symptoms. Basically allow yourself to feel whatever is happening in the moment and stop listening to what your mind is telling you. A daily meditation practice has helped me to create space between my true self and my mind. I highly recommend it, especially for anxiety. The key here is it must be done daily to create the space and slow the thoughts down.

Anxiety, insomnia, brain fog and depersonalization were my biggest issues during w/d. I say were because even though I continue to experience them they have absolutely no power over me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence so many of us have deep spiritual awakenings as a result of coming off these medications. 

Thank you, Mia1! YES--my reactions to the symptoms absolutely are the cause of suffering!! The fear of the fear is the big one for me, fear of being even more afraid than I am in the moment and what it will mean. I think I'm going to get back to doing meditation that allows me to observe the present without attaching story; for a while now, I've been focusing on visualizations geared toward manifesting because I was so inspired by Joe Dispenza's Becoming Supernatural...but the motive behind which this is wanting something different in my life. And this practice can be great but I just realized it is basically me not wanting to accept things that are happening right now?! Acceptance is really key and will make this so much smoother and empowering. Thank you for that. That's amazing the symptoms don't have power over you anymore! Do you do a guided meditation or just on your own? I'm going to explore some options.

 

I agree, it's not a coincidence. Kelly Brogan uses John of the Cross' term "a dark night of the soul" to describe what people experience in the taper process. It can be a gateway to transformation. I can be really neurotic and tell myself I'm missing out on a truly transformative experience by taking Benadryl to sleep instead of accepting insomnia and just going with it but it's not about that, right? I think I'm already going to awaken more deeply through this just by learning to accept whatever comes my way. Symptoms, losing financial support, fear in general.

Thanks for this. I really appreciate both of your support so much. Going to take whatever comes today. 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been focusing on visualizations geared toward manifesting because I was so inspired by Joe Dispenza's Becoming Supernatural...but the motive behind which this is wanting something different in my life. And this practice can be great but I just realized it is basically me not wanting to accept things that are happening right now?!

You TOTALLY get it. I’m a fan of Joe Dispenza, read his book Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself. Visualization is a great add on but ultimately we have to roll up our sleeves and do the actual work. 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Do you do a guided meditation or just on your own? I'm going to explore some options.

I started with guided meditations from MindfulPeace on Youtube but now I just do 30 minutes of a “do nothing” technique I learned. You sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and just observe what is happening. If you find you’re getting too lost in thought you can always focus on your breath or a sound. As you play around with it you’ll find the perfect way for you. Remember to have fun with it!

As I said, it does take time so stick with it even if your mind gets bored. It’s by far the most transformative tool I have. It also helps so much when practicing presence. The key is practice, practice and then practice some more.

 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I can be really neurotic and tell myself I'm missing out on a truly transformative experience by taking Benadryl to sleep instead of accepting insomnia and just going with it but it's not about that, right?

I actually agree, it is all a transformative experience if we allow it to be. Personally I only take supplements to aid with physical recovery. I recently did a really fast Amitriptyline taper, and although I do not recommend it, it was the right thing for me to do. I went so deep into acceptance that it didn’t matter what my symptoms were/are or how long they last. I continue to do this every day, all day. And the funny thing is that I originally took Amitriptyline for sleep and even though my sleep is disrupted at the moment, I always fall back asleep because I’m so deep in acceptance I don’t care if I sleep or not. Resting is always my goal, not sleep.

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Symptoms, losing financial support, fear in general.

You can apply this to anxiety and fear as well. As counter intuitive as it may feel acceptance will set you free.

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Going to take whatever comes today. 

Always be the river and remember if there’s resistance it’s the ego!!

 

I would love to hear more about your klonopin taper. I’m going to wait 2-3 months and then taper that drug, it’s my last one!!

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post
  • Moderator
Gridley
5 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I think my fear of the derealization and anxiety getting even more intense compounded with what I was feeling to make it what it was. I have to remember to surrender.

Here is something I posted to another member about fear.

 

"Fear takes a lot of energy.  It is much better to assume it will work out fine.  Your body knows what you are thinking and internalizes it right down to the cell level.  Let your system internalize hopeful optimistic feelings and you will be doing yourself a big favor and helping your recovery quite a bit.  Attitude is very important."

 

5 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

should I still hold for another few weeks?

I would and then you can re-assess.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

Link to post
KittenLePurr
21 hours ago, Mia1 said:

You TOTALLY get it. I’m a fan of Joe Dispenza, read his book Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself. Visualization is a great add on but ultimately we have to roll up our sleeves and do the actual work. 

 

I started with guided meditations from MindfulPeace on Youtube but now I just do 30 minutes of a “do nothing” technique I learned. You sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and just observe what is happening. If you find you’re getting too lost in thought you can always focus on your breath or a sound. As you play around with it you’ll find the perfect way for you. Remember to have fun with it!

As I said, it does take time so stick with it even if your mind gets bored. It’s by far the most transformative tool I have. It also helps so much when practicing presence. The key is practice, practice and then practice some more.

 

 

I actually agree, it is all a transformative experience if we allow it to be. Personally I only take supplements to aid with physical recovery. I recently did a really fast Amitriptyline taper, and although I do not recommend it, it was the right thing for me to do. I went so deep into acceptance that it didn’t matter what my symptoms were/are or how long they last. I continue to do this every day, all day. And the funny thing is that I originally took Amitriptyline for sleep and even though my sleep is disrupted at the moment, I always fall back asleep because I’m so deep in acceptance I don’t care if I sleep or not. Resting is always my goal, not sleep.

 

You can apply this to anxiety and fear as well. As counter intuitive as it may feel acceptance will set you free.

 

Always be the river and remember if there’s resistance it’s the ego!!

 

I would love to hear more about your klonopin taper. I’m going to wait 2-3 months and then taper that drug, it’s my last one!!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's really inspiring to hear that you've mastered acceptance to the point that you're just blasting through this...or at least that's my perception of what you're doing! Anxiety is my #1 symptom from literally everything, always. And while I have my tools in my toolkit to deal with it (deep breathing, EFT/tapping) it still really plagues me. Fretting about losing sleep and feeling like crap, and just fretting about the usual stuff even more intensely. 

So, with your meditation, you do nothing...but do you focus on your breath and sensations in your body or your thoughts? I've always felt like I needed to pick something specific to focus on... But this is sounding like a much-needed transition for me to make, away from focusing on change/attracting new things. I think I used to be more focused on being present and accepting whatever comes up until I read Joe Dispenza and a bunch of other works that say to focus only on what you want and I sort of got confused. I kinda doubt Dispenza's advanced students who manifest things just by thinking of them are withdrawing from psych meds, so, different strokes? 😬

 

I was really feeling the fear yesterday. My partner and I are looking at moving to a beach town 4 hours away from our current home so we spent all day in the car and all my money anxieties got really stirred up. It was really confronting and emotional and I just kept thinking, "I surrender," and I didn't have a a panic attack. Thanks for that! :)  This morning, it was more of a depression wave that set in, and I just let it out. Thankfully, I didn't have a lot of work to do, so I could lie in bed and cry it out. Be the river...

 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr

Oh, and Klonipin taper..I started off cutting off chunks of pills but quickly realized that was not working well; way too much anxiety and insomnia! I dissolved it in 300ml of water and just removed 1ml a day. I saw that method in a YouTube video someone sent me. I was only on 0.35mg so while it wasn't easy, it wasn't as bad as I'd kind of expected it to be. I also took a ton of Gaba and some phenibut, which helped immensely. The hardest symptom part was the brain fog. It got so thick, I couldn't comprehend things I read. But Klonipin and Citalopram do that to me anyway, even when not in withdrawal. So it took me 300 days, which had its intense moments but was manageable. 

 

Actually, the hardest symptom was the panic attacks but they only happened right before my period. I didn't realize Klonipin affected the hormones?? And my blood sugar was SO unstable, if I went 3.5 hours without food, I'd feel completely surreal and have a panic attack. So I stayed on top of that. Had to. I guess it's been 9 months now and I've felt stable again for several. Not sure how long it took before the blood sugar stopped being an issue. Still taking more Tryptophan than I was before I started tapering it. So my nervous system probably won't be 100% back to normal for a while...especially since I'm tapering another med. 😧 Whoops

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr
On 5/4/2021 at 2:30 PM, Gridley said:

Here is something I posted to another member about fear.

 

"Fear takes a lot of energy.  It is much better to assume it will work out fine.  Your body knows what you are thinking and internalizes it right down to the cell level.  Let your system internalize hopeful optimistic feelings and you will be doing yourself a big favor and helping your recovery quite a bit.  Attitude is very important."

 

I would and then you can re-assess.

Thank you--fear DOES take a lot of energy. It's my body's go-to; I've memorized the fear response so well, my body starts shaking before I've even finished having a stressful thought. I'm really working on retraining myself to be an optimist...I was a pessimist and a worrier for so long and inherited it from my mom. She is the BIGGEST worrier EVER. 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Fretting about losing sleep and feeling like crap

This was a big one for me, I actually developed sleep anxiety and a fear of insomnia in the beginning. I would have these all day long obsessive thoughts that I wasn’t going to sleep and that I would feel terrible and not be able to function, etc. Because I was basically worshipping my thoughts back then it would scare the crap out of me and of course cause me to not sleep. By accepting the thoughts and not reacting to the anxiety they caused this eventually lost all power over me. It takes practice but the key here is to allow the feelings to come without reacting to them. They are only feelings and will not kill you even if they sometimes feel like they will. Do this enough times and it will be laughable that you ever gave it any power. 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

So, with your meditation, you do nothing...but do you focus on your breath and sensations in your body or your thoughts?

I observe my thoughts, my body and the sounds in my environment. If I feel like I need to anchor I focus on my breath. 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I kinda doubt Dispenza's advanced students who manifest things just by thinking of them are withdrawing from psych meds, so, different strokes? 😬

LMAO 😂 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

It was really confronting and emotional and I just kept thinking, "I surrender," and I didn't have a a panic attack.

It was definitely more conceptual for me in the beginning, like yes okay I surrender. With practice this acceptance goes to the cellular level where nothing can touch you if you truly accept. Nothing came to me overnight, I did a lot of work. It sounds like you are too and doing an amazing job!!

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Actually, the hardest symptom was the panic attacks but they only happened right before my period. I didn't realize Klonipin affected the hormones?? And my blood sugar was SO unstable, if I went 3.5 hours without food, I'd feel completely surreal and have a panic attack. So I stayed on top of that. Had to. I guess it's been 9 months now and I've felt stable again for several. Not sure how long it took before the blood sugar stopped being an issue. Still taking more Tryptophan than I was before I started tapering it. So my nervous system probably won't be 100% back to normal for a while...especially since I'm tapering another med.

Thanks for sharing this with me, I had no idea about the blood sugar levels. 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've memorized the fear response so well, my body starts shaking before I've even finished having a stressful thought. I'm really working on retraining myself to be an optimist...I was a pessimist and a worrier for so long and inherited it from my mom. She is the BIGGEST worrier EVER. 

I believe most of our behavior is memorized and that is why meditation is so helpful. It raises our awareness so we start to see what our programmed responses and behaviors are. We learn most of this behavior from our parents. With the awareness we can change it. For me the most powerful thing I can do is sit with my feelings until they pass. That reconditions the body and mind. I can now feel anxiety as energy, not this scary monster to be afraid of. 

 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr
13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

This was a big one for me, I actually developed sleep anxiety and a fear of insomnia in the beginning. I would have these all day long obsessive thoughts that I wasn’t going to sleep and that I would feel terrible and not be able to function, etc. Because I was basically worshipping my thoughts back then it would scare the crap out of me and of course cause me to not sleep. By accepting the thoughts and not reacting to the anxiety they caused this eventually lost all power over me. It takes practice but the key here is to allow the feelings to come without reacting to them. They are only feelings and will not kill you even if they sometimes feel like they will. Do this enough times and it will be laughable that you ever gave it any power. 

 

I observe my thoughts, my body and the sounds in my environment. If I feel like I need to anchor I focus on my breath. 

This is really helpful; thank you. I found a guided meditation on Insight Timer that involved this practice and it felt really good to do that this morning. The whole time I've been doing Joe Dispenza's meditation, it's been yet another thing I have to "do right," and not having to "do something right" really relieved a good deal of pressure this morning! Doing nothing felt much more easeful and loving.

 

13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Thanks for sharing this with me, I had no idea about the blood sugar levels. 

Yes, of course! I was already a little insulin sensitive before but less so since I'd adopted a high-fat diet, so that sensitivity still took me by surprise and required some careful managing. I forgot, I did have some Benzo Belly, too, or continual sour stomach, indigestion and heartburn. That could be pretty uncomfortable but I managed it with magnesium oxide and didn't have to switch to a gentle, bland, broth-dominant diet but I know some people do. I did make a big chicken soup one time when my stomach was particularly upset, and I made the mistake of using bone broth--don't do it! Lol. Not sure if you're into bone broth anyway but it's high in glutamine, which is excitatory, so not a compatible with benzo withdrawal! That was not a fun day.😵

13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I believe most of our behavior is memorized and that is why meditation is so helpful. It raises our awareness so we start to see what our programmed responses and behaviors are. We learn most of this behavior from our parents. With the awareness we can change it. For me the most powerful thing I can do is sit with my feelings until they pass. That reconditions the body and mind. I can now feel anxiety as energy, not this scary monster to be afraid of. 

 

100% agree! I've learned to sit with grief but for some reason fear/anxiety has still been this big, scary monster to me and I've continually sought to resist it and manage it. It's so inspiring to know you've mastered acceptance to the point where fear doesn't scare you anymore!! Thank you so much for this knowledge and encouragement. I'm remembering a Rumi poem about treating every emotion like a guest...going to make space for all of them.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
  • Moderator
Gridley
16 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm really working on retraining myself to be an optimist...I was a pessimist and a worrier for so long 

I'm the same way.  I have to work on it continuously.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

Link to post
KittenLePurr
On 5/7/2021 at 10:17 AM, Gridley said:

I'm the same way.  I have to work on it continuously.

How do you generally work on it? Being mindful and "rewriting the tape," so to speak with positive affirmations? I've done a lot of work on this and still struggled with it, especially now because anytime I decrease the dose of a med, the negative voice in my head gets like 9,000x chattier and louder! I need to do my EFT more. That works really well in the moment, at least.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
  • Moderator
Gridley
28 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

How do you generally work on it?

What happens is that I recognize the pattern when it crops up and simply change my thinking to a more positive, less worrywart attitude. I also let things go.  If I have a negative thought that I'm ruminating about over and over, I've realized I can just stop thinking that thought.

 

 It's taken me a while to get to the point where this works.  But the fact is that assuming a positive outcome is more likely to produce a positive outcome, not in a "wishful thinking" way but because energy follows thought.  The body down to the cell level is

extremely aware of thoughts and mirrors them.  That's a big incentive.  I'm nowhere near 100% on this but I've changed a lot.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg 1986-1991 CT, soon reinstated.  CT 2000. RI 1 mg 2011-2016.  Sept. 2016  0.625mg X 3

Nov.27, 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover + change to one 18.75mg dose, w/1 month hold.

Feb. 9, 2021, begin 10% every 4 weeks taper.  Current dose as of July 13: 10.0mgai.  Taper is 46% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan. 2016 began every 3-weeks 10% taper, down to 16mgai (44mgpw).  Aug 2016, discovered SA, holding at 16mg.  Taper is 78% complete.  

  

Supplements: omega, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg.


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • 2 weeks later...

How are you doing?

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr

Thank you so much for asking, Mia1! I was just about to get on here today to check in. About a week after the initial decrease, I started to feel almost normal again. I've had some days where I felt a little worse--just drained/exhausted and on edge--surrounded by days where I felt really calm and grounded and even clear enough cognitively to where I felt like I could work. All in all I've been feeling pretty good and have been managing my stress around moving pretty well. I'm moving to a small town 4 hours away from my hometown where my parents still live and I've managed all the mixed emotions (namely fear and excitement) really well.

 

Until yesterday. Yesterday I went to my parents' house to go through some old things I'd left over there and also to say "Seeya later" (not goodbye; I'll be back to visit, of course.) And I was overwhelmed with more mixed emotions. I got pangs of guilt in my chest as if I were leaving the nest for the first time when they needed me (I'm 35; my dad is 75 and healthy and my mom is 74 and healthy but has had 2 hip replacements over the years and is experiencing a resurgence of hip pain, for which she's being tested for all sorts of stuff. So they're healthy but Dad is helping her around the house and stuff.) I felt intense grief as if I were truly saying goodbye. And the fear became overwhelming. And the fear intensified by about 9,000% when I got home and checked my email and learned I'm losing my unemployment in 1 month. Not a total shocker but still a surprise since I was previously told I had another 3 months and was counting on that time to figure out what I wanted/was able to do. So basically I'm ok but the anxiety and feelings being stirred up from life events feel like they're too much for me to bear (bare? ...Brain fog.) The brain fog is still thicker than it was before I cut the Celexa but not as bad as when tapering Klonipin, so not intolerable.

 

I'm just really anxious and sad and stressed. I would be stressed about this stuff anyway but it feels way intensified. I'm doing a lot of EFT. In fact I'm going to do some more now because it feels like nervous energy is swirling around my insides like tidal waves.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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KittenLePurr

All my friends in healing groups say to trust the Universe and that I'll be ok because I'm following my North Star, following my heart to live near the beach...and I keep reminding myself it takes so much less energy to believe everything's going to be ok than to worry and dread that I'm headed for certain doom but I've been feeling like the other shoe was about to drop at any moment for a good year now and it feels like it's finally dropping. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm filled with fear and dread. Going to do my tapping. And hopefully corral myself into doing some packing. My partner and I have to pack most of the house this weekend since he works Mon-Wed and we're moving as much stuff as we can on Thursday. Eek

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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It can be hard for us sometimes to see our own progress but the fact that you are dealing with these major life stressors on top of going through psychiatric drug detox and the fact that you have not had panic attacks is amazing!! I hope you celebrate your strength today 🥳 All my emotions get exaggerated during detox so I can definitely relate. 

The way I see it we have two choices, trust the universe or trust our thoughts. The universe only wants the best for us always, it’s our belief in our thoughts that causes our anxiety and uncertainty. When I start to get stuck in my thoughts I remind myself I don’t need to do anything, everything is being taken care of. Our minds always try to convince us we need to fix something or do something and when our brains are anxious it makes it the topmost priority. It’s a lie. How is your meditation practice going? For me, meditation was the only way for me to create the necessary space between myself and my thoughts and raise my awareness. Remember that our thoughts are not our enemies but they’re not our bosses either!!

From my spiritual awakening  I really see clearly that fear is an illusion created by the mind. I see also that everything in life is neutral, we are the ones who assign value to it. It’s like the Shakespeare quote “ there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” So stop listening to your mind and trust that everything is fine, which it is. Take a deep breath, surrender these feelings and come out of your head. 

Remember anxiety is just a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Just let it be there but ignore it, don’t resist it and it will go away. Sit with your emotions without thought and they will pass. The key here is not getting caught up with the dialogue in your head. Remember that what you feel you heal!!

It sounds like we’re on a similar spiritual path and although the uncertainty can feel scary I do believe the greatest act of faith is surrender.

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

It can be hard for us sometimes to see our own progress but the fact that you are dealing with these major life stressors on top of going through psychiatric drug detox and the fact that you have not had panic attacks is amazing!! I hope you celebrate your strength today 🥳 All my emotions get exaggerated during detox so I can definitely relate. 

The way I see it we have two choices, trust the universe or trust our thoughts. The universe only wants the best for us always, it’s our belief in our thoughts that causes our anxiety and uncertainty. When I start to get stuck in my thoughts I remind myself I don’t need to do anything, everything is being taken care of. Our minds always try to convince us we need to fix something or do something and when our brains are anxious it makes it the topmost priority. It’s a lie. How is your meditation practice going? For me, meditation was the only way for me to create the necessary space between myself and my thoughts and raise my awareness. Remember that our thoughts are not our enemies but they’re not our bosses either!!

From my spiritual awakening  I really see clearly that fear is an illusion created by the mind. I see also that everything in life is neutral, we are the ones who assign value to it. It’s like the Shakespeare quote “ there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” So stop listening to your mind and trust that everything is fine, which it is. Take a deep breath, surrender these feelings and come out of your head. 

Remember anxiety is just a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Just let it be there but ignore it, don’t resist it and it will go away. Sit with your emotions without thought and they will pass. The key here is not getting caught up with the dialogue in your head. Remember that what you feel you heal!!

It sounds like we’re on a similar spiritual path and although the uncertainty can feel scary I do believe the greatest act of faith is surrender.

Thank you so much for this. You're right...not having a panic attack with all this going on IS an achievement...I feel like I might have if I'd lowered my dose again but then again, who knows. The anxiety's already been at a high. I do need to acknowledge my own progress. I do see that I've been handling a ton of really challenging things with grace, despite how it feels. I have been meditating every morning, either with a guided mindfulness track on Insight Timer or just in silence, noticing what's present. I felt like it was really helping me allow, accept and surrender before everything intensified yesterday. I guess I kind of got tested and my brain wants to say I "failed the test" but I know I really was just really confronted and it's not a test to fail, per se, anyway. Man, it's intense, this negative inner dialogue. When you watch your thoughts in meditation, is it a challenge to listen while staying present or was it at first? I feel like I get confused about that and can start just straight up thinking instead of watching them.

 

I think my problem is when my mind gets really active, I forget to resist the urge to buy in. These old programs come up and really run a muck: anxiety and negative, cynical, catastrophical thinking, learned helplessness and victim mindset. I start sitting with the feelings but I forget not to let the dialogue grab ahold of me and create pain and suffering. I'm suffering. Over what I'm going to do, what's going to happen, and just how painful it is. I know that's a choice! Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. Damn it's a nasty habit, just in that it's unpleasant. The worries over the future and work are really almost more about being uncomfortable and suffering than about death or financial ruin. I'm seeing now it's kind of one giant old program around running from pain. Hmm. That's something to journal about...along with just feeling like I forget. Then again it's easier to remember anything when you're not overwhelmed, stressed, etc. Maybe I'll make Post-It reminders...

 

I'm so grateful to have your support here. Knowing I have a sounding board who gets it is saving my life right now! Thank you❤️

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
36 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I guess I kind of got tested and my brain wants to say I "failed the test" but I know I really was just really confronted and it's not a test to fail, per se, anyway. Man, it's intense, this negative inner dialogue. When you watch your thoughts in meditation, is it a challenge to listen while staying present or was it at first? I feel like I get confused about that and can start just straight up thinking instead of watching them.

You can’t fail, it’s all for our growth. It’s great you’re meditating daily. When I first started seriously I had to do binaural beat meditations with ear buds and just focused on the music, my brain was way too active to handle anything else. After about a month of that I was able to do the do nothing technique and just focused on thoughts and sounds in the environment. When I become lost in thought or reactive I simply note it and use my breathing as an anchor. There is no right or wrong way, incorporate all your experiences into the meditation. The whole point is to connect with your deeper self, which is awareness, so keep being aware of being aware! Remember your mind will always sort of trick you into thinking you’re doing it wrong, it’s confusing, it’s a waste of time, etc. When your mind is telling you this believe me, you’re doing something right!! Thoughts do not like awareness, especially those habitual ones.

 

47 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

These old programs come up and really run a muck: anxiety and negative, cynical, catastrophical thinking, learned helplessness and victim mindset. I start sitting with the feelings but I forget not to let the dialogue grab ahold of me and create pain and suffering. I'm suffering. Over what I'm going to do, what's going to happen, and just how painful it is. I know that's a choice! Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.

Yes, the programs are strong. It takes a lot of practice, it doesn’t happen overnight so be patient with yourself. In the beginning I used to say to myself all day long: do the best you can, accept the rest. It’s an act of self kindness and love to accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment, especially if you’re used to being critical towards yourself.  I also recommend practicing mindfulness throughout the day, get out of your head and into the present moment. I do this all day long, it does not come naturally but like anything else it’s an essential skill you can develop with practice. It is a place of true peace. 

I’m really sorry you’re suffering. Yes, even though we create it until we fully understand it on a deep level it is suffering nonetheless. The good news is since you do understand it I believe it’s only a matter of time before you really feel it. Ask the universe for help, you’ll be surprised how much you get! And be kind to yourself, the really great news is you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you 😊

Meditation, over time, will naturally create that space you need to be calm and non reactive. Keep doing the work and remember that you’re natural state is peace and calm, you’re just identified with your thoughts which is preventing you from seeing it.

I used to do this visualization meditation I made up in the beginning when I was feeling overwhelmed. I imagined I was a mountain stream. I really immersed myself in this. I felt the sun on me, smelled the wildflowers and felt the breeze. I would imagine myself just slowly drifting down without a care in the world. Sometimes I would encounter a large rock (whatever problem I thought I had at the time) and because I was just water I would effortlessly go around the rock and continue down. When thoughts intruded I simply became effortless water again. I would do this every day for 15-20 minutes, always calmed me down.m

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm seeing now it's kind of one giant old program around running from pain. Hmm. That's something to journal about...along with just feeling like I forget. Then again it's easier to remember anything when you're not overwhelmed, stressed, etc. Maybe I'll make Post-It reminders...

This was my big aha moment too, I was trying desperately to avoid suffering, it’s incredible. Especially since it doesn’t exist, lol. This was a big awakening for me, seems like you too. Yes, I used to write things down on index cards, still do sometimes, especially when my brain can’t seem to remember one thing from the next during detox. I also journal, it’s a great idea.

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm so grateful to have your support here. Knowing I have a sounding board who gets it is saving my life right now! Thank you❤️

I’m happy to help, like I said it seems we’ve used this opportunity for a springboard to spiritual health and healing so it feels very much like you are a kindred spirit. And it helps me just as much 💗

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
On 5/21/2021 at 4:12 PM, Mia1 said:

You can’t fail, it’s all for our growth. It’s great you’re meditating daily. When I first started seriously I had to do binaural beat meditations with ear buds and just focused on the music, my brain was way too active to handle anything else. After about a month of that I was able to do the do nothing technique and just focused on thoughts and sounds in the environment. When I become lost in thought or reactive I simply note it and use my breathing as an anchor. There is no right or wrong way, incorporate all your experiences into the meditation. The whole point is to connect with your deeper self, which is awareness, so keep being aware of being aware! Remember your mind will always sort of trick you into thinking you’re doing it wrong, it’s confusing, it’s a waste of time, etc. When your mind is telling you this believe me, you’re doing something right!! Thoughts do not like awareness, especially those habitual ones.

I saw this at just the right time I needed to ^_^ Thank you; I've been wondering whether I'm doing it right so often!! With everything: meditation, feeling and processing my feelings, basically all the healing things I'm up to, I keep thinking I'm doing it wrong. I'm questioning myself so much with everything and meditation is no exception. I might even question myself more there. And when these spiraling, worrying thoughts creep in I've been doing pretty well at remembering to stay aware, notice and say, "Ok. I hear you" and move on without getting swept away on the fear train. Although I've still had times when I got swept up in them. I kind of needed the tears to come out, though. I can get too stuck on trying to hold it all together and be strong and I think I end up repressing some emotions that need to come out.

Quote

 

Yes, the programs are strong. It takes a lot of practice, it doesn’t happen overnight so be patient with yourself. In the beginning I used to say to myself all day long: do the best you can, accept the rest. It’s an act of self kindness and love to accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment, especially if you’re used to being critical towards yourself.  I also recommend practicing mindfulness throughout the day, get out of your head and into the present moment. I do this all day long, it does not come naturally but like anything else it’s an essential skill you can develop with practice. It is a place of true peace. 

I'm going to make more of a practice of being mindful. Sometimes it feels way too hard, like it's another thing "to do" and all I really want to do is rest. I feel like that's such a theme in my life: "Another thing?! I don't wanna..." which feels silly to say because it's totally my inner child wanting to just be left alone. And historically I've beat myself up for being lazy and being a brat but I'm seeing it's not that. It's largely fear and avoidance of pain. Not that I'm anywhere near being free of those things but knowledge is power, right?

 

Quote

I’m really sorry you’re suffering. Yes, even though we create it until we fully understand it on a deep level it is suffering nonetheless. The good news is since you do understand it I believe it’s only a matter of time before you really feel it. Ask the universe for help, you’ll be surprised how much you get! And be kind to yourself, the really great news is you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you 😊

Thank you so much. I keep seeing more moving expenses and bills come up due and feeling so anxious about it and keep asking the universe for help...I'm plagued by a hyper-critical, negative voice who insists the universe doesn't help people like me, that other, maybe luckier people can make miracles happen and manifest things and I'm just somehow exempt from all these widely-accepted laws of the universe. But I did get my tax return earlier than expected. That's something I prayed for! Still have a long way to go to completely stop buying into the negative subconscious beliefs but I'm taking note that something really good happened when I asked for it. :)

Quote

 

I used to do this visualization meditation I made up in the beginning when I was feeling overwhelmed. I imagined I was a mountain stream. I really immersed myself in this. I felt the sun on me, smelled the wildflowers and felt the breeze. I would imagine myself just slowly drifting down without a care in the world. Sometimes I would encounter a large rock (whatever problem I thought I had at the time) and because I was just water I would effortlessly go around the rock and continue down. When thoughts intruded I simply became effortless water again. I would do this every day for 15-20 minutes, always calmed me down.m

I absolutely LOVE this. Thank you! I'm going to try this out, too.

Quote

This was my big aha moment too, I was trying desperately to avoid suffering, it’s incredible. Especially since it doesn’t exist, lol. This was a big awakening for me, seems like you too. Yes, I used to write things down on index cards, still do sometimes, especially when my brain can’t seem to remember one thing from the next during detox. I also journal, it’s a great idea.

 

I’m happy to help, like I said it seems we’ve used this opportunity for a springboard to spiritual health and healing so it feels very much like you are a kindred spirit. And it helps me just as much 💗

I'm so glad you've found such solid ground to stand on through such a hellish experience. It seems like you've conquered so much and it really gives me hope that I can find a place of true peace and flow. I always kind of thought that didn't exist, at least not for me. Thank you again. So glad to have found a kindred spirit and feel less alone on this journey! ❤️ 

 

I'm feeling positive about things at the moment, although that wasn't the case earlier when I was paying rent...or yesterday, when I accidentally started my freelance client's Zoom meeting with my mouth full of Epic bar, shut down the whole call in a panic and curled up in the fetal position determined never to show my face in the online community again. Lol whoops! It's kinda funny now! But at the time it was so painful. I was mortified and the anxious, self-critical voices got almost unbearably loud. These deep, emotional reactions could be occurring anyway just from moving stress but tapering really does make everything more intense. It's like just when I think I'm good, something I feel caught off-guard and pushed to the edge. Finally moving on Friday so at least some of the stress will naturally dissipate then. And hopefully going to the beach almost every day will help, too. It's funny I'm realizing one of my life-long dreams while also battling one of the hardest things of my life all at the same time...feels un-accidental.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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I’m so happy to hear you are in a positive space, you’re really doing amazing. You’re going through w/d, moving AND working, handling it all with grace and humor. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s definitely working!! 

 

image.gif.ad042602d8faa8457c5425e36035b38c.gif

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

How was the move, are you settling in?

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr

Thank you so much, Mia1. ARGH I’m stressed out. And I have a bad habit of shutting everything and everyone out when I’m really stressed. I need to get on here more because it always helps.

 

So the move was INTENSE. We couldn’t fit everything in our cats so we left some stuff and hit the road, drove the 3 hours to our new home by the TX gulf coast...and then I realized we’d forgotten our supplements including Phenibut, which we can’t slee without and you can’t buy in stores. We decided to turn around and drive back and my guy goes, “I hope we didn’t accidentally throw it out” and just the What If thought sent me into a panic. I tried to just witness and not engage with the anxiety but I couldn’t. My whole body went cold and tingly and started trembling. I was just too stressed. We drove the 3 hours back to get it and on the way, it started pouring so hard my guy couldn’t see the road and I got terrified—my blood ran cold and I had a panic attack. I sat there sobbing and tapping for what felt like an hour. But we got there safely, and the supplements were all there.
 

I felt silly but I forgave myself. It took us 4.5 hours to get home to our new place in the storm; we didn’t get to sleep until 2am. Then I couldn’t sleep because we still had to drive back to Austin to drop off the keys and I got like 2 hours of sleep and was in a stressed out haze. The anxiety manifested in weird symptoms in my body and I felt like I was an alien on another planet. Just horrible derealization, anxiety and brain fog along with stomach issues. I basically cried the whole weekend. I couldn’t feel any of my excitement. I feared I might never feel normal again but I also knew I would.

 

And I couldn’t remember where I’d packed the oral syringes so I couldn’t take my full dose of Celexa on Saturday, so I went into worse wd and that made all the feelings worse. I felt grief over leaving my longtime hometown and for my past self who didn’t think she had the option to find a home she loved...and fear of the unknown. So much fear!! 
 

Finally on Sunday I found the oral syringes and fixed my dose, rather than staying lower, because I was already so incredibly stressed out. And on Monday night I started feeling semi-normal again. And I started to settle in and enjoy the scenery. It’s beautiful here!! We’re on a lake by a beach, surrounded by wildlife! It’s such a great place. And it has a really chill vibe. And really friendly people. I love it already.
 

Then on Wednesday or so, the anxiety over only having my 1 client set in and I’ve been anxious and depressed and having trouble being productive. I haven’t felt depressed in years but my inner child believes so strongly that I can’t possibly get enough freelance clients to make up the money I’ve been getting from unemployment that just covers all my bills (or even handle more freelance writing work at all with my symptoms) that I’ll have to get a menial job in town to make ends meet and I’m dreading that like the plague. My little girl inside is really tantrum-ing. I’m trying to stay grounded. And I’m doing an ok job. I’m meditating. I’m surrendering. But my heart hurts. I’m sad and dejected and feel kind of hopeless. My friends are out manifesting thousand of dollars a month and I feel horrible about myself. I feel like there are 2 realities—one where the universe is abundant and benevolent and life is magical and beautiful...and one where the universe is just kinda absent and life is lackluster, hopeless and unfair—and I’m stuck in the latter, watching all my friends live in the former and I’m trying to fight and claw my way over there too. 
 

I’m sorry to be such a bummer..I’m bumming myself out just writing this!! I keep thinking I should start doing my manifesting work again but it feels impossible to get in that headspace right now. I feel helpless and bleak.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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KittenLePurr

I’m kind of embarrassed to even share what I’m so bent out of shape over because I know I sound like a baby! “I don’t wanna work!” LOL. It’s not that I don’t want to work at all, though. I just don’t want to do something lame and stressful that I don’t care about and I feel like I’m extra sensitive to discomfort but that could also be a story.

 

I’m realizing I’m giving way to much credit and energy to my stories and I need to stay open to the possibility of a great, low-stress job or great, low-stress client work opportunities presenting themselves. It just feels so dark because of the fast-approaching deadline. Bills are due soon and I feel like I don’t have enough time. I’m just absolutely terrified

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
13 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I tried to just witness and not engage with the anxiety but I couldn’t. My whole body went cold and tingly and started trembling. I was just too stressed. We drove the 3 hours back to get it and on the way, it started pouring so hard my guy couldn’t see the road and I got terrified—my blood ran cold and I had a panic attack. I sat there sobbing and tapping for what felt like an hour. But we got there safely, and the supplements were all there.

When anxiety becomes intense I shift my focus to something else. It can be nature, a body part or even awareness itself. Don’t focus on the thoughts or engage them in a dialogue. Don’t listen to them. I know how difficult this can seem, especially when your brain has convinced you that you must think about it. But it’s your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it. Maybe even focus on your breath, that’s my favorite one. And every time a thought comes just focus back on your body part or breath. This will pull you into the present and will help to retrain your brain that you are actually the boss. And it’s true, you hold all the power. You choose what you think about and focus on. It just takes practice.

 

22 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I felt silly but I forgave myself. It took us 4.5 hours to get home to our new place in the storm; we didn’t get to sleep until 2am. Then I couldn’t sleep because we still had to drive back to Austin to drop off the keys and I got like 2 hours of sleep and was in a stressed out haze. The anxiety manifested in weird symptoms in my body and I felt like I was an alien on another planet. Just horrible derealization, anxiety and brain fog along with stomach issues. I basically cried the whole weekend. I couldn’t feel any of my excitement. I feared I might never feel normal again but I also knew I would.

Remember, everything is just an experience. Experience is neutral, we put the labels of good and bad on it. I have overcome A LOT of fear by not creating it. A good example is the fear I had of not sleeping. I now don’t care one way or another and know I’ll be just fine. I realized fully it was the anxiety I created around the not sleeping that caused the suffering. I’d rather be tired than tired AND anxious!! We only control our reactions so let go and accept the present moment exactly as it is. 

Yes, I still get those thoughts that I’ll never be okay but it’s just a thought and I’m glad you know that you are okay. You are already okay, your mind is preventing you from seeing it. I’m so happy to hear you’re doing the daily meditation practice, keep it up and become the awareness. 

32 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

And I couldn’t remember where I’d packed the oral syringes so I couldn’t take my full dose of Celexa on Saturday, so I went into worse wd and that made all the feelings worse. I felt grief over leaving my longtime hometown and for my past self who didn’t think she had the option to find a home she loved...and fear of the unknown. So much fear!! 

W/D definitely makes everything more intense and you are working through some intense feelings. Life itself is completely unknown, I think we’re meant to just enjoy the journey. Learn to let go of control and enjoy the moments that make up your day. You are being guided and cared for even if you can’t feel it. I’ve said this before but I think it bears repeating: ask the universe for help, it wants you to succeed. 

 

38 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I started to settle in and enjoy the scenery. It’s beautiful here!! We’re on a lake by a beach, surrounded by wildlife! It’s such a great place. And it has a really chill vibe. And really friendly people. I love it already.

It sounds amazing, I’m so happy for you!!

 

41 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

But my heart hurts. I’m sad and dejected and feel kind of hopeless. My friends are out manifesting thousand of dollars a month and I feel horrible about myself. I feel like there are 2 realities—one where the universe is abundant and benevolent and life is magical and beautiful...and one where the universe is just kinda absent and life is lackluster, hopeless and unfair—and I’m stuck in the latter, watching all my friends live in the former and I’m trying to fight and claw my way over there too. 

You mentioned your age in a previous post so I know I have a fair amount of years on you (I’m 49.) So I’m going to let you in on two secrets. Wealth is not measured by money and no one has a perfect life. We’re all given challenges in life to help us grow and we’re all just figuring it out. Once you start to remove the negative thoughts patterns you clear up space for abundance in your life. You don’t need to do anything else. Just think positively, align your actions with your beliefs and trust the universe. You don’t need to fight for anything, right action is effortless. Remember, the stream doesn’t fight to move around the rock.

 

36 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I’m realizing I’m giving way to much credit and energy to my stories and I need to stay open to the possibility of a great, low-stress job or great, low-stress client work opportunities presenting themselves. It just feels so dark because of the fast-approaching deadline. Bills are due soon and I feel like I don’t have enough time. I’m just absolutely terrified

Don’t ever feel embarrassed for expressing yourself, it’s an act of bravery. Fear is an illusion of the mind. Take away the dialogue and there’s nothing. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Remember, you’re in control of your thoughts, not the other way around. Don’t be scared of them, they are just thoughts. 

 

51 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

my inner child believes so strongly that I can’t possibly get enough freelance clients to make up the money I’ve been getting from unemployment that just covers all my bills (or even handle more freelance writing work at all with my symptoms) that I’ll have to get a menial job in town to make ends meet and I’m dreading that like the plague. My little girl inside is really tantrum-ing. I’m trying to stay grounded. And I’m doing an ok job. I’m meditating. I’m surrendering.

I do this visualization meditation for my inner child, and I’ll share the main gist with you. When intense emotions kick up I imagine encountering my six year old self who doesn’t feel safe. I pick her up, wrap her in a warm blanket and tell her everything is okay and that she’s safe now. I stay in this space until I feel calm. 

Reach out to me anytime you need support, I’m here for you!!

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
On 6/4/2021 at 11:47 AM, Mia1 said:

When anxiety becomes intense I shift my focus to something else. It can be nature, a body part or even awareness itself. Don’t focus on the thoughts or engage them in a dialogue. Don’t listen to them. I know how difficult this can seem, especially when your brain has convinced you that you must think about it. But it’s your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it. Maybe even focus on your breath, that’s my favorite one. And every time a thought comes just focus back on your body part or breath. This will pull you into the present and will help to retrain your brain that you are actually the boss. And it’s true, you hold all the power. You choose what you think about and focus on. It just takes practice.

Thank you so much for this support. I'm really not sure what I'd do without it...most of my friends really don't "get" my struggle.

It does feel really difficult not to listen to the anxious thoughts. When the anxiety and spiraling thoughts get really loud, I'm tempted to think that ignoring them is bypassy and that I should go deeper into the fear feeling to heal it...but this obviously doesn't work out well. So doing this enough times doesn't make the anxious thoughts go away necessarily but retrains my brain not to get swept away and send me into panic, right? I mean, that's good enough for me, really.

On 6/4/2021 at 11:47 AM, Mia1 said:

Remember, everything is just an experience. Experience is neutral, we put the labels of good and bad on it. I have overcome A LOT of fear by not creating it. A good example is the fear I had of not sleeping. I now don’t care one way or another and know I’ll be just fine. I realized fully it was the anxiety I created around the not sleeping that caused the suffering. I’d rather be tired than tired AND anxious!! We only control our reactions so let go and accept the present moment exactly as it is. 

Yes, I still get those thoughts that I’ll never be okay but it’s just a thought and I’m glad you know that you are okay. You are already okay, your mind is preventing you from seeing it. I’m so happy to hear you’re doing the daily meditation practice, keep it up and become the awareness. 

W/D definitely makes everything more intense and you are working through some intense feelings. Life itself is completely unknown, I think we’re meant to just enjoy the journey. Learn to let go of control and enjoy the moments that make up your day. You are being guided and cared for even if you can’t feel it. I’ve said this before but I think it bears repeating: ask the universe for help, it wants you to succeed. 

Yes it's like I know that I'm ok but I'm so afraid that I won't be, I lose control. The whole thing feels like a self-control issue because I know intellectually that I am the boss, I am in charge and I can choose to not get on the fear train and succumb to the wave of anxiety but in the moment when it's really intense, it's like I resist for a bit but then if it's a big thing (like not having my sleep meds, which I know isn't a tragedy but it did feel really scary because I would've been extremely uncomfortable, and with guests in my home that already make me a little uncomfortable because my guy's parents were helping us move and staying over, so that felt intense) I kind of just give up/give in. It feels like I've been fighting my shadow and finally I just cave and let it win. I know that's not exactly how it works and I'm working on knowing and accepting my shadow but damn. It feels never-ending!

 

Except for when it doesn't...the past few days I've been feeling better. I finally stabilized and I've been grounding at the beach, which just seems to set my whole day up right, even though it takes a little longer than just walking outside to put my feet on the grass. I mean, of course it's worth it. The ocean always calms me so thoroughly. But since I'm stressing about spending as much time and energy on finding work as possible, I probably won't do it every single day.

On 6/4/2021 at 11:47 AM, Mia1 said:

 

It sounds amazing, I’m so happy for you!!

 

You mentioned your age in a previous post so I know I have a fair amount of years on you (I’m 49.) So I’m going to let you in on two secrets. Wealth is not measured by money and no one has a perfect life. We’re all given challenges in life to help us grow and we’re all just figuring it out. Once you start to remove the negative thoughts patterns you clear up space for abundance in your life. You don’t need to do anything else. Just think positively, align your actions with your beliefs and trust the universe. You don’t need to fight for anything, right action is effortless. Remember, the stream doesn’t fight to move around the rock.

Thank you so much.❤️ And I know it's not all perfect and SO many things are more important than financial wealth--in fact I never even really cared about money until a few years ago; I just cared about my relationships and being happy (which is ironic because I was very UNhappy until a few years ago until I started healing my body but I digress.) Probably because I realized I was now in my 30s and still wasn't self-sufficient and I judged that as wrong. You're right; everything IS neutral. And yet I get so caught up in my head, thinking what I've been doing is just so bad and I need to hurry up and fix it and I'm running out of time and all this stuff. I feel like I've taken on so many beliefs as truths, like "You have to have your whole life figured out by the time you're in your 30s" and "If I don't have a successful career, I'll never be truly safe or comfortable" and "Getting anything you want takes really hard work." And even more recently, "You can't manifest what you want by just believing you can have it. You have to do all these things and really work at it." Got that one from a healing group I joined...that wasn't the point of it but I kind of developed that belief. I'm still working on dismantling my disempowering beliefs about being broken and having a harder time in life than other people, obviously...but on a good day like today, I know those things aren't true. And I need to stop comparing myself to other people, period. Is it possible to completely stop doing that? I know it's human but I've heard so many people talk about not doing it, and I haven't successfully stopped (yet.)

On 6/4/2021 at 11:47 AM, Mia1 said:

 

Don’t ever feel embarrassed for expressing yourself, it’s an act of bravery. Fear is an illusion of the mind. Take away the dialogue and there’s nothing. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Remember, you’re in control of your thoughts, not the other way around. Don’t be scared of them, they are just thoughts. 

 

I do this visualization meditation for my inner child, and I’ll share the main gist with you. When intense emotions kick up I imagine encountering my six year old self who doesn’t feel safe. I pick her up, wrap her in a warm blanket and tell her everything is okay and that she’s safe now. I stay in this space until I feel calm. 

Reach out to me anytime you need support, I’m here for you!!

Thank you again. I feel like I'm bouncing between 2 realities: one where I'm in control, I create my reality and therefore it's going to keep getting better and better because I'm protected, guided and supported by a benevolent universe...and one where I'm at the mercy of the "cards I've been dealt," which aren't good, and the odds are stacked against me. New, empowering beliefs vs. old, disempowering ones. Still figuring out how to stay in the positive, empowered clear headspace and trust that I'm ok...even when things feel out of control, obviously.

 

I'm so curious how you got to where you are! And I so appreciate your support. Thank you

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

Link to post
1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

It does feel really difficult not to listen to the anxious thoughts. When the anxiety and spiraling thoughts get really loud, I'm tempted to think that ignoring them is bypassy and that I should go deeper into the fear feeling to heal it...but this obviously doesn't work out well. So doing this enough times doesn't make the anxious thoughts go away necessarily but retrains my brain not to get swept away and send me into panic, right? I mean, that's good enough for me, really.

It gets easier with practice, I can actually just shift my focus away from the anxious thoughts now without using an anchor. So the key is focus. Always focus on what you want. Ignore the anxious thoughts and sensations. Don’t resist them though. Allow them in, don’t worry about how long they’re going to last, just continue to focus on what you’re doing in the moment. Intensely if you have to. The anxiety does not stay as long and if you don’t resist the thoughts they actually do lessen and start to go away!! It just gets a little amped up during detox but it can be done. 

And remember it doesn’t have to be done perfectly. Initially this was really hard for me because I was so used to giving anxiety my full focus. But keep practicing. 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

it's like I resist for a bit but then if it's a big thing (like not having my sleep meds, which I know isn't a tragedy but it did feel really scary because I would've been extremely uncomfortable, and with guests in my home that already make me a little uncomfortable because my guy's parents were helping us move and staying over, so that felt intense) I kind of just give up/give in. It feels like I've been fighting my shadow and finally I just cave and let it win. I know that's not exactly how it works and I'm working on knowing and accepting my shadow but damn. It feels never-ending!

Resist nothing, let it all in without focusing on it. This is how it loses it’s power over you. Again, it will take practice. Be okay with intense feelings, even fear. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’ve had addiction issues myself, it’s all about avoiding pain. Remember it’s just a feeling, and feelings always pass.

I think the single most important thing I can share with you is to allow space for all of your feelings without reacting to them. If you work on this you can get to the point where you are just awareness, thoughts and emotions come and go with equal value. At this point you are free. 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Except for when it doesn't...the past few days I've been feeling better. I finally stabilized and I've been grounding at the beach, which just seems to set my whole day up right, even though it takes a little longer than just walking outside to put my feet on the grass. I mean, of course it's worth it. The ocean always calms me so thoroughly. But since I'm stressing about spending as much time and energy on finding work as possible, I probably won't do it every single day.

Sounds amazing, good job manifesting such a beautiful place to live!! It sounds so healing, you absolutely should do it every day if it helps you ground. Make it part of your spiritual practice. 

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And I need to stop comparing myself to other people, period. Is it possible to completely stop doing that? I know it's human but I've heard so many people talk about not doing it, and I haven't successfully stopped (yet.)

Yes, it is absolutely possible. I think it just happens naturally as you continue on your spiritual journey and surrender your negative beliefs about yourself, changing the program. Working on self forgiveness helps a lot. Your awareness is incredible though, most people compare and judge without realizing it. You’re really well on your way, I’m not sure if you realize that. One day soon you’re really going to see how this hard work has paid off. 

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Thank you again. I feel like I'm bouncing between 2 realities: one where I'm in control, I create my reality and therefore it's going to keep getting better and better because I'm protected, guided and supported by a benevolent universe...and one where I'm at the mercy of the "cards I've been dealt," which aren't good, and the odds are stacked against me. New, empowering beliefs vs. old, disempowering ones. Still figuring out how to stay in the positive, empowered clear headspace and trust that I'm ok...even when things feel out of control, obviously.

Yes, you are always in control. The ego loves to be a victim. You are doing amazing work and have such good insight, it’s a pleasure communicating with you!

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm so curious how you got to where you are!

I’m going to give you a super short version. I started my journey 3/20. I was an absolute mess, in severe w/d from a CT of MMJ and rapid taper of Amitriptyline. I always ate well and exercised so that was never an issue. I started working on acceptance and reprogramming my brain. Had some success but struggled with sleep anxiety, OCD thoughts and panic, definitely in PAWS. Beginning of October I was really struggling with anxiety, considered increasing Amitriptyline. The panic became “unbearable” to me so by the end of October I ended up going on Lexapro. I had not been consistently meditating.

By beginning November I was on 10 mg of Lexapro, already feeling numb, and still having panic attacks. I was laying in bed and thought what am I doing? A calm came over me and my next thought was I’m going to do this no matter what it takes. I went so deep into acceptance I honestly didn’t care what happened. I got off the Lexapro in 3 weeks. I started meditating an hour every single day no matter what. My spiritual work became my job and it was all I did. I listened to spiritual teachers who resonated with me. I practiced mindfulness until I understood what presence was and connected with this as often as I could throughout the day. I was guided every day and began to understand on a feeling level these concepts I discuss with you.

I never stopped asking the universe for help. I had some really deep experiences and came to understand on a feeling level that I created all my suffering by believing my thoughts (my ego.) We are all so much more than this. I think we have these experiences to guide us to this realization.

Anyway, only seven months later and here I am. I am now completely off Amitriptyline and have one more drug to go. I continue to meditate every day, haven’t missed a single day since I started my practice. Haven’t had one single panic attack. I continue to connect with presence as often as I can, it is a place of utter peace and security no matter what is happening around me. I continue to learn and go deeper into experience. I ask the universe for help every single day and have never been let down. 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post

 

I love this interview, makes so much sense!

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

 

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20; 5/20-4/21 0 mg 

 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr

 

On 6/8/2021 at 7:56 PM, Mia1 said:

Resist nothing, let it all in without focusing on it. This is how it loses it’s power over you. Again, it will take practice. Be okay with intense feelings, even fear. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’ve had addiction issues myself, it’s all about avoiding pain. Remember it’s just a feeling, and feelings always pass.

Yes I was confusing ignoring with resisting. I feel like I have to make perfect sense of some things intellectually before I can embody them (or maybe it's just anxiety...not sure🤪) So let it in, let the thoughts complete themselves instead of cutting them off, like, "Nope!" (because I can get in that habit and it does end up making them louder and more destabilizing, most of the time...not to mention, I end up being forcably positive and that IS bypassy and ineffective.) \I'm so good at this when I'm feeling good and grounded and when I'm not, it's SOOOO much harder!! I mean, obviously. But that's why you practice, so that when a storm hits, you've got practice riding the gusts of winds. Thank you.

 

Yes, totally all about avoiding pain. I still have just SO. MUCH. RESISTANCE to discomfort. I literally told a friend the other day, "I know it'll all work out ok in the end but I can't go through any more painful work experiences!" Like even a gloriously positive end result wouldn't be acceptable if I had to go through something awkward and unfulfilling. Which made me think. Like, "Wow. Even if something AMAZING came out of it?? I still wouldn't want to go through discomfort? Hmm." 

On 6/8/2021 at 7:56 PM, Mia1 said:

I think the single most important thing I can share with you is to allow space for all of your feelings without reacting to them. If you work on this you can get to the point where you are just awareness, thoughts and emotions come and go with equal value. At this point you are free. 

Such an incredible thing to imagine, being this unshakable. This free. I'm not giving up. This is my #1 priority: comfort with discomfort and allowing all feelings without reacting.

 

I had another opportunity to be with intense feelings this morning when I found out my new methadone clinic has pills, not liquid, and they won't let you break them, so in order to continue tapering methadone, I would have to drop 5 MG at a time (from only 25mg and lower! OUCH!!!!😱😱😱😱😱) My old clinic has liquid methadone and will make smaller decreases so I guess I just assumed every clinic was like that. I felt so much fear and shock and frustration. Then I realized I could just transfer back to my old clinic and go there once a month to pick up doses, like I was doing there anyway, which isn't ideal but it's doable. And then the anxious voice in my head started up, like "But either way you're either dropping 2 mg or going back up 3 mg (my dose is 27mg so I have to go to either 25 or 30 on Tuesday when I get admitted) and undoing some of your progress! And maybe you should go back to tapering methadone right now instead of Celexa, after all, beacuse you have to work more now, and methadone withdrawal doesn't cause as much brain fog. How are you going to taper Celexa while working?? You won't be able to! Then you're STUCK on these meds! You're going to be stuck on them FOREVER!!" I cried a little because it was overwhelming. But I quickly pulled out of it. I still don't know what I'm going to do but I haven't been suffering, other than that couple of minutes. Normally I think this would ruin my entire day! Progress, not perfection, right? And I guess I'm going to see how things go and wait to receive guidance and know for sure what I want to do. "If you don't know what to do, wait until you do," as Kelly Brogan says. One of my mantras, especially when I feel indecisive, which is often. :) Although, less so since I started listening to my body...because it'll tell me when something feels really wrong.

On 6/8/2021 at 7:56 PM, Mia1 said:

Sounds amazing, good job manifesting such a beautiful place to live!! It sounds so healing, you absolutely should do it every day if it helps you ground. Make it part of your spiritual practice. 

Thank you! I should, right?? I almost didn't yesterday to "save time," but at the last second, I went. And went again today. My lil doggie sure loves it! Helps ground me and get me get out of my head. In those moments when I can step outside of all my worries, when I look around and get really present, I'm in disbelief and feel so silly that I get so wrapped up in my internal struggle. But I also know it's human and I'm on this journey for a reason. Really, really thankful that I made it far enough along to take action and move someplace I truly love and enjoy. It's the first time, ever.

On 6/8/2021 at 7:56 PM, Mia1 said:

 

Yes, it is absolutely possible. I think it just happens naturally as you continue on your spiritual journey and surrender your negative beliefs about yourself, changing the program. Working on self forgiveness helps a lot. Your awareness is incredible though, most people compare and judge without realizing it. You’re really well on your way, I’m not sure if you realize that. One day soon you’re really going to see how this hard work has paid off. 

 

Yes, you are always in control. The ego loves to be a victim. You are doing amazing work and have such good insight, it’s a pleasure communicating with you!

Thank you so much ❤️ I really don't know what I would do without this conversation! I'd be in my head a LOT more. You're really encouraging me to keep at it and give myself more acknowledgement...because you're right, I often don't recognize where I'm at and what I've accomplished. And now I feel like I'm gloating and a voice in my head says that's not ok. I don't mean to. Working on the self-forgiveness..

On 6/8/2021 at 7:56 PM, Mia1 said:

I’m going to give you a super short version. I started my journey 3/20. I was an absolute mess, in severe w/d from a CT of MMJ and rapid taper of Amitriptyline. I always ate well and exercised so that was never an issue. I started working on acceptance and reprogramming my brain. Had some success but struggled with sleep anxiety, OCD thoughts and panic, definitely in PAWS. Beginning of October I was really struggling with anxiety, considered increasing Amitriptyline. The panic became “unbearable” to me so by the end of October I ended up going on Lexapro. I had not been consistently meditating.

By beginning November I was on 10 mg of Lexapro, already feeling numb, and still having panic attacks. I was laying in bed and thought what am I doing? A calm came over me and my next thought was I’m going to do this no matter what it takes. I went so deep into acceptance I honestly didn’t care what happened. I got off the Lexapro in 3 weeks. I started meditating an hour every single day no matter what. My spiritual work became my job and it was all I did. I listened to spiritual teachers who resonated with me. I practiced mindfulness until I understood what presence was and connected with this as often as I could throughout the day. I was guided every day and began to understand on a feeling level these concepts I discuss with you.

I never stopped asking the universe for help. I had some really deep experiences and came to understand on a feeling level that I created all my suffering by believing my thoughts (my ego.) We are all so much more than this. I think we have these experiences to guide us to this realization.

Anyway, only seven months later and here I am. I am now completely off Amitriptyline and have one more drug to go. I continue to meditate every day, haven’t missed a single day since I started my practice. Haven’t had one single panic attack. I continue to connect with presence as often as I can, it is a place of utter peace and security no matter what is happening around me. I continue to learn and go deeper into experience. I ask the universe for help every single day and have never been let down. 

WOW. Thank you for sharing this with me. You've accomplished SO MUCH in the past year! That's so awesome. What spiritual teachers do you recommend? I feel like I've only listened to a very small few and could benefit from taking in some more information and assurance. I'm inspired to keep going and to go deeper. Meditate even more. Some mornings I only do it for 10 minutes, which feels like the bare minimum. I've realized I have a ton of fear of not having enough time and I've often let that dictate what I do and how much time I spend on even the most important things. But those important things are literally THE most important things in life--everything else, including my livelihood--comes after.

 

Thank you ❤️ 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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KittenLePurr
22 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

I love this interview, makes so much sense!

Oh I love him! I listened to an audiobook of his a long time ago. YES. It DOES make so much sense ❤️ 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Cut Citalopram by 10%; holding at 12.9mg while stabilizing after a methadone dose change

 

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