KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

[Mia1]

19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I had another opportunity to be with intense feelings this morning when I found out my new methadone clinic has pills, not liquid, and they won't let you break them, so in order to continue tapering methadone, I would have to drop 5 MG at a time (from only 25mg and lower! OUCH!!!!😱😱😱😱😱) My old clinic has liquid methadone and will make smaller decreases so I guess I just assumed every clinic was like that. I felt so much fear and shock and frustration. Then I realized I could just transfer back to my old clinic and go there once a month to pick up doses, like I was doing there anyway, which isn't ideal but it's doable. And then the anxious voice in my head started up, like "But either way you're either dropping 2 mg or going back up 3 mg (my dose is 27mg so I have to go to either 25 or 30 on Tuesday when I get admitted) and undoing some of your progress! And maybe you should go back to tapering methadone right now instead of Celexa, after all, beacuse you have to work more now, and methadone withdrawal doesn't cause as much brain fog. How are you going to taper Celexa while working?? You won't be able to! Then you're STUCK on these meds! You're going to be stuck on them FOREVER!!" I cried a little because it was overwhelming. But I quickly pulled out of it. I still don't know what I'm going to do but I haven't been suffering, other than that couple of minutes. Normally I think this would ruin my entire day! Progress, not perfection, right? And I guess I'm going to see how things go and wait to receive guidance and know for sure what I want to do. "If you don't know what to do, wait until you do," as Kelly Brogan says. One of my mantras, especially when I feel indecisive, which is often.  Although, less so since I started listening to my body...because it'll tell me when something feels really wrong.

That’s truly fantastic progress and I’m so happy you can go back to your previous clinic. Definitely do what feels right for you and taper slowly. Let me know what you decide to do. 

 

19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

What spiritual teachers do you recommend? I feel like I've only listened to a very small few and could benefit from taking in some more information and assurance. I'm inspired to keep going and to go deeper. Meditate even more. Some mornings I only do it for 10 minutes, which feels like the bare minimum. I've realized I have a ton of fear of not having enough time and I've often let that dictate what I do and how much time I spend on even the most important things. But those important things are literally THE most important things in life--everything else, including my livelihood--comes after.

19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Thank you ❤️ 

 

Alan Watts is my absolute favorite, helped me so much with acceptance and just going with the flow. Some others that helped me are David Hawkins, Elkhart Tolle, Gabor Mate, Mooji, and Thich Nhat Hahn, just to name a few. And anything on Taoism and Buddhism and the original teachings of Jesus. I also got a lot out of searching something I wanted to learn and then just watching random videos. I found that the teacher would appear when I was ready so kept myself open to this.

I actually cut my meditation down to 30 minutes in the morning, it’s what I would recommend. I found it much more beneficial to to this plus practice mindfulness all day, which is just training your brain to stay in the present moment. 

What are your spiritual practices? 

You’re very welcome 💗

[Greatful]

Hi, Kittenlepurr  Mia1 recommend I check out your story.  I sure can relate to fear and anxiety.  I learned fear at a young age, turbulent childhood and developed fear about what is around the corner.   I to tried to self medicate in my teens.  Mostly alcohol, like you it was to get blasted so I did not have to think.    I also have a very low self esteem, worry about doing everything right.  You know the whole self defeating abuse.  

 

  Anyway I congratulate you on how far you have come in life.  Your perseverance to better your life is inspiring.  You have been through so much more than me and if you can over come your past and grow as into the person you deserve  to be, so can I............

Mia1 has a amazing strength and great insight on acceptance.  I hope to follow your thread to get more encouragement and maybe jump in once in awhile  

Greatful

[KittenLePurr]

On 6/11/2021 at 7:53 AM, Mia1 said:

Alan Watts is my absolute favorite, helped me so much with acceptance and just going with the flow. Some others that helped me are David Hawkins, Elkhart Tolle, Gabor Mate, Mooji, and Thich Nhat Hahn, just to name a few. And anything on Taoism and Buddhism and the original teachings of Jesus. I also got a lot out of searching something I wanted to learn and then just watching random videos. I found that the teacher would appear when I was ready so kept myself open to this.

I actually cut my meditation down to 30 minutes in the morning, it’s what I would recommend. I found it much more beneficial to to this plus practice mindfulness all day, which is just training your brain to stay in the present moment. 

What are your spiritual practices? 

You’re very welcome 💗

Thank you--I love Eckhart Tolle and Gabor Mate but have been meaning to do a deeper dive on Alan Watts for AGES as well as Thich Nhat Hahn and David Hawkins! And I second the searching subjects and watching random videos...lol. That's how I found Teal Swan and her thoughts on emotional intimacy issues helped me delve deeper into healing my social anxiety! (Still a work in progress, of course.)

 

And 30 minutes definitely feels more doable! I'll start working my way up. Lately I've been doing 15 or so. But sometimes I get so relaxed I keep going without a timer.

 

I've been working mindfulness into my days lately. Which came in really handy over the past week when I overdrew my account😬 I'm managing but better than I thought I would, which reminds me yet again that things really never need to be as scary as I make them out to be in my head. I mean, it doesn't feel great. But I'm not dying or having panic attacks. I'm having to really work to stay present.

 

On the other hand, the other day, I had a freaking meltdown. Got really stuck in a story and it all started when something kinda silly happened; our new-to-us dryer wouldn't turn on. Immediately I went to "Great--now to get it working we have to spend more money I don't have" and the whole story about how "nothing works out for me no matter how hard I try" spiraled around and around. I was so angry and dejected. Just being such a victim. And all the while, I was watching myself and my thoughts, thinking, "I know better. I don't have to be this upset" but it felt impossible not to be for about an hour or two. Then I realized that my mind's whole argument of "Well how can I not believe this story if everything in my surroundings keeps screaming that it's true??" was completely false. I realized no one is telling me that story but me. I journaled and tried to figure out where this pattern came from and realized it's leftover from when I was little and my older sister was the family superstar and got all the achievements and all the praise. I never felt like I was good enough because she did everything first and better. And I've carried that around into my adulthood, making it so!

 

So I'm working on that this week, processing those old, pent up emotions. It's been a bit painful of course but also a relief to get that **** out. Like it was fermenting and festering in my spiritual guts and I'm finally getting rid of it🤪 Feeling really centered about it. Getting some waves of fear but not buying into them. Thank you for urging me to try this! Not getting it perfect every moment but it is helping a lot.

 

I decided to go back up 3mg methadone. Maybe just for today, since I have my doses for the month, and I could go back down to 27mg until next month and just see how long a 1-day increase takes to level back out from. I don't know. Because I'm probably still going to taper Celexa first since I'm more concerned about getting my brain back. Need to meditate on this!

 

I did this course called Core Wound Healing a while back and the meditation piece of it is my (semi-inconsistent) spiritual practice...basically I just focus on my heart space and ask my intuition for guidance on a certain issue, and I write down the messages that come out. Sort of like a blend of intuitive journaling a prayer. I don't do it all the time because it can take me a while to get messages to everything I want clarity on. I really need to do it more, I think. And here come the worries about not having time because I have to start working more...

 

I want to develop more of a spiritual practice, though. I do pray before bed and often in the morning now, only since like a few weeks ago!😆 

[KittenLePurr]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Hi, Kittenlepurr  Mia1 recommend I check out your story.  I sure can relate to fear and anxiety.  I learned fear at a young age, turbulent childhood and developed fear about what is around the corner.   I to tried to self medicate in my teens.  Mostly alcohol, like you it was to get blasted so I did not have to think.    I also have a very low self esteem, worry about doing everything right.  You know the whole self defeating abuse.  

 

  Anyway I congratulate you on how far you have come in life.  Your perseverance to better your life is inspiring.  You have been through so much more than me and if you can over come your past and grow as into the person you deserve  to be, so can I............

Mia1 has a amazing strength and great insight on acceptance.  I hope to follow your thread to get more encouragement and maybe jump in once in awhile  

Greatful

Thank you so much, Greatful ❤️ I'm so glad you're here. You absolutely can heal yourself. It's so interesting how reading your comment I can know so strongly that you've got what it takes while simultaneously doubting my own strength...it's comforting to know you get that. These old patterns are really, really deeply rooted. 

 

It's a constant thing, trying to disarm and resist the worrying and self-defeating thoughts. I have a lot more hope and am getting better at it since I started talking with Mia1!! That's for sure. I'm so grateful to have found this space and connected with like minds! Please do jump in. Thank you so much for your support. Knowing other people out there get it is so, so important.

[Greatful]

I can relate to the self sabotage.  Tough last few days.  Big range of emotions today.  Do you ever get rage?  I went from depression, anxiety, panic, hopelessness, worthlessness, rage, back to sadness.  The feelings of worthlessness stems back from childhood. 

I tried to clean up around the house a little and my rage built and then the worthlessness hit,  on and on it goes in your mind.  I tried to tell myself that it is the neuro emotion magnifying your neg feeling about yourself.  I kept cleaning trying to let it just be.   Man it sure is hard to sit in that pain. 

You can find my thread by going to the top on the page and type in Greatful in the search bar,  you can look up Mia1 too.  If you want to follow someone and get notifications when there is a post,  you have to click on follow on their thread.  (maybe you already know that) 

 

By the way I have you and Mia1 beat  I just turned 58 in May 😬  I want to get through this, put the past behind me and live a simple content life.....

Take care of yourself 

 

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

That's how I found Teal Swan and her thoughts on emotional intimacy issues helped me delve deeper into healing my social anxiety!

I haven’t heard of her, definitely going to check it out, thanks!!

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been working mindfulness into my days lately. Which came in really handy over the past week when I overdrew my account😬 I'm managing but better than I thought I would, which reminds me yet again that things really never need to be as scary as I make them out to be in my head. I mean, it doesn't feel great. But I'm not dying or having panic attacks. I'm having to really work to stay present.

This is AMAZING insight and progress!! When I added the mindful piece my life truly started to transform.

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

On the other hand, the other day, I had a freaking meltdown. Got really stuck in a story and it all started when something kinda silly happened; our new-to-us dryer wouldn't turn on. Immediately I went to "Great--now to get it working we have to spend more money I don't have" and the whole story about how "nothing works out for me no matter how hard I try" spiraled around and around. I was so angry and dejected. Just being such a victim. And all the while, I was watching myself and my thoughts, thinking, "I know better. I don't have to be this upset" but it felt impossible not to be for about an hour or two. Then I realized that my mind's whole argument of "Well how can I not believe this story if everything in my surroundings keeps screaming that it's true??" was completely false. I realized no one is telling me that story but me. I journaled and tried to figure out where this pattern came from and realized it's leftover from when I was little and my older sister was the family superstar and got all the achievements and all the praise. I never felt like I was good enough because she did everything first and better. And I've carried that around into my adulthood, making it so!

This is IT. You got it. And the great news is it’s like a muscle, keep doing it and it only gets stronger. Just remember it never has to be perfect. 

Powerful trauma work, thanks for sharing.

This whole post really brought a smile to my face, you have no idea how happy I am for you ❤️

 

 

[Mia1]

@Greatful

I’m so happy you made it here!! I don’t think it’s a coincidence we all ended up together. We’re all facing difficult emotions without substances and healing our trauma. Look at the strength that takes 💪❤️

[KittenLePurr]

On 6/15/2021 at 3:26 PM, Greatful said:

I can relate to the self sabotage.  Tough last few days.  Big range of emotions today.  Do you ever get rage?  I went from depression, anxiety, panic, hopelessness, worthlessness, rage, back to sadness.  The feelings of worthlessness stems back from childhood. 

Sorry I'm so slow to respond...it's like I get either hyper-focused or completely spacey and address nothing! Such crazy brain fog.

 

Yes, I absolutely get rage!! And also have those feelings of worthlessness leftover from childhood. Rage is almost harder for me to sit with than anxiety in that it feels like I'm going to explode and that creates anxiety because "OMG what do I do with the anger?!" and I can totally freak out. I learned I needed to process it and let it out a while back so I usually go punch a pillow, and the last time I did that, I hadn't really registered that my animals were nearby because I was seeing so much red and when I punched the pillow a few times, I scared the **** out of them and my sweet, very subdued doggie started growling and barking. That was just last week, actually! I felt terrible for upsetting him. He seemed to forgive me instantly, though, and I doubt he'll tell anyone about it.  But, you know, it's tough.

 

Anyway, I get that. It can be like a roller coaster. I paused my taper temporarily because the methadone at my new clinic is different and seems to be weaker, as I had increased anxiety and insomnia the first day on it despite going up a few mgs and I didn't want to throw my body any farther out of whack. Luckily I'm already feeling a little calmer. But that's when the "I want off this crap" feelings surge and I feel impatient. One day/moment at a time though, right? Surrender, surrender, surrender.

On 6/15/2021 at 3:26 PM, Greatful said:

I tried to clean up around the house a little and my rage built and then the worthlessness hit,  on and on it goes in your mind.  I tried to tell myself that it is the neuro emotion magnifying your neg feeling about yourself.  I kept cleaning trying to let it just be.   Man it sure is hard to sit in that pain. 

It sounds like you're doing great at being with it, despite it being extremely challenging! That's awesome.  

On 6/15/2021 at 3:26 PM, Greatful said:

You can find my thread by going to the top on the page and type in Greatful in the search bar,  you can look up Mia1 too.  If you want to follow someone and get notifications when there is a post,  you have to click on follow on their thread.  (maybe you already know that) 

Thank you--I actually didn't know that!! I get a little overwhelmed by forums with a ton of threads which leads me to just not explore, so thank you!

On 6/15/2021 at 3:26 PM, Greatful said:

 

By the way I have you and Mia1 beat  I just turned 58 in May 😬  I want to get through this, put the past behind me and live a simple content life.....

Take care of yourself 

 

And you totally will ❤️ 

[KittenLePurr]

A little update for y'all... So I mentioned in a previous comment I paused my Celexa taper to stabilize on methadone. After the first few days of sleeping about 5 hours a night and struggling to ignore my anxious circular thoughts, I realized what was going on--that the new brand of methadone must be less concentrated because nothing else had changed and I was detoxing--and I relaxed a bit. I've still had anxiety about needing to find work, but since I realized it was being exacerbated by withdrawal, I started having an easier time not getting swept away by it. Funny how that worked. I'd begun suffering over the notion of cashing out some of my bitcoin to cover my bills and buy things I actually need for my new home and once I realized my thoughts were the cause of my suffering and not my investment or even my bills, I found peace. LOL. The past 24 hours have been much less unpleasant.

 

I've been asking the universe for help and I heard back from a potential client I've been wanting to work with today, so that's exciting...and I'm terrified of being "stuck on my medication" because work feels too challenging with the increased brain fog (I already have really bothersome brain fog from Celexa, so the withdrawal makes that even worse and at times it has been incapacitating.) But I'm feeling calm about it today, about trusting that somehow, some way, this will all work out. Meditation has helped so much with this acceptance and trust. 

 

I finally slept more than 5 hours last night so I'm feeling less frazzled and jittery today, too. Hoping I can get back to tapering Celexa albeit very slowly within the next week since that's the med I'm much more eager to be free of. Thank you all for your support ❤️ 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

since I realized it was being exacerbated by withdrawal, I started having an easier time not getting swept away by it. Funny how that worked.

Indeed, a great example of how we create our reality through our perception of what’s happening. I’m happy to hear you’re sleeping better and feeling better😊

I’ve been having super intense feelings because of my fast amitriptyline taper. This morning I felt this intense anxiety and I was just observing my ego reacting like it wasn’t even me, it was such a surreal experience. I normally accept the anxiety, ignore it and stay in the present moment. Today I was like, no, I’m going to go deep into it and just let it be. It initially intensified but as I went deeper it lost all power. I truly realized on an even deeper level that I don’t need to do anything about anxiety, just allow it to be. Wanted to share that with you.

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'd begun suffering over the notion of cashing out some of my bitcoin to cover my bills and buy things I actually need for my new home and once I realized my thoughts were the cause of my suffering and not my investment or even my bills, I found peace. LOL. The past 24 hours have been much less unpleasant.

That’s great, I find it gets easier to come back to that place of peace, how about you? It’s so true our lives become easier when we get out of our own way!! 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

 But I'm feeling calm about it today, about trusting that somehow, some way, this will all work out. Meditation has helped so much with this acceptance and trust. 

It is absolutely working out for you, good job!! Do you feel how all your hard work is paying off? Your progress is remarkable, you’re incredibly strong.

 I think once we truly trust the universe we really start manifesting naturally. Yes, meditation was the one single thing that really made the difference for me. I’m really happy for you.

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Hoping I can get back to tapering Celexa albeit very slowly within the next week since that's the med I'm much more eager to be free of. Thank you all for your support ❤️ 

Do you mind me asking what your overall plan is to taper?  How does it work with the methadone, do you taper that by 10% also? 

 

[Greatful]

@Mia1You are quite the inspiration.  When you say you went deeper into your anxiety what do you mean.  I have a book on ocd.  

Daring to Challenge OCD by Joan Davidson.  She talks about leaning into you anxiety when you are dealing with a ocd situation.  So you are suppose to keep thinking about it as hard as you can all through the panic/ anxiety.  She claims that after awhile the anxiety will go down. Generally if you keep making your mind think about it, it will get sick of thinking about it and move on to something else.   I have tried it and it does work.  You just can't  try think your way out of the anxiety.  If you have any ocd you should know what I am trying to say.

 

I will get the hand of acceptance some day.......I guess the key is to not give up and keep trying  It is a very insightful book.....

 

Enjoy the rest of your day you to gals

[Mia1]

@Gratefulthank you for your kind words. Yes, I actually experience intense OCD during w/d so I completely understand. You definitely can’t think your way out, that’s for sure. And since that’s the case and a lot of this is feeling I’m going to try to describe this the best way I can using my mind, lol...

So like I said in the past what worked best for me was to just accept the anxiety/panic/OCD thoughts but ignore them and carry on with what I was doing (staying in the present moment.) Anytime I really leaned into the anxiety it became so much more intense, sometimes bordering on panic, so I would immediately pull away. 

I’m currently experiencing neuro emotions as a result of my fast Amitriptyline taper and anxiety has been intense lately. Although I have been managing it well I knew I was resisting somehow because as we know when we are in true acceptance we are in peace. So today I started to feel anxiety and then started to feel more anxiety over having anxiety and as I was shifting my focus into the present moment I just thought no, let it all come. I observed my racing thoughts and all the physical sensations in my body. I let everything happen without trying to change it or react to it. The not reacting is acceptance.

At first it was very intense and like I said it became even more pronounced, bordering on a panic attack, because I was not used to facing it like this. I allowed this experience to happen and just observed it. I found I truly became the observer of the experience and even though I still had the thoughts and sensations it was like they were happening outside me, it didn’t touch me anymore. By allowing the anxiety in I’m taking away the fear of anxiety.  Eventually it went away altogether and I have had only an occasional feeling of anxiety here and there throughout the day. And this is while I’m in full w/d. It’s incredible what we are capable of!! So from now on I’m not going to control the anxiety in any way. I’ll still of course try to be present in the moment but I won’t ignore anything. 

I think the brain will keep focusing on something it thinks is scary to ensure your survival so when you take away the fear the brain will naturally lose interest because it now thinks your safe. It’s all the distorted fear response from trauma. 

So similar to what you say. Does that make sense? 

[KittenLePurr]

11 hours ago, Mia1 said:

@Gratefulthank you for your kind words. Yes, I actually experience intense OCD during w/d so I completely understand. You definitely can’t think your way out, that’s for sure. And since that’s the case and a lot of this is feeling I’m going to try to describe this the best way I can using my mind, lol...

So like I said in the past what worked best for me was to just accept the anxiety/panic/OCD thoughts but ignore them and carry on with what I was doing (staying in the present moment.) Anytime I really leaned into the anxiety it became so much more intense, sometimes bordering on panic, so I would immediately pull away. 

I’m currently experiencing neuro emotions as a result of my fast Amitriptyline taper and anxiety has been intense lately. Although I have been managing it well I knew I was resisting somehow because as we know when we are in true acceptance we are in peace. So today I started to feel anxiety and then started to feel more anxiety over having anxiety and as I was shifting my focus into the present moment I just thought no, let it all come. I observed my racing thoughts and all the physical sensations in my body. I let everything happen without trying to change it or react to it. The not reacting is acceptance.

At first it was very intense and like I said it became even more pronounced, bordering on a panic attack, because I was not used to facing it like this. I allowed this experience to happen and just observed it. I found I truly became the observer of the experience and even though I still had the thoughts and sensations it was like they were happening outside me, it didn’t touch me anymore. By allowing the anxiety in I’m taking away the fear of anxiety.  Eventually it went away altogether and I have had only an occasional feeling of anxiety here and there throughout the day. And this is while I’m in full w/d. It’s incredible what we are capable of!! So from now on I’m not going to control the anxiety in any way. I’ll still of course try to be present in the moment but I won’t ignore anything. 

I think the brain will keep focusing on something it thinks is scary to ensure your survival so when you take away the fear the brain will naturally lose interest because it now thinks your safe. It’s all the distorted fear response from trauma. 

So similar to what you say. Does that make sense? 

This is incredible. I’m going to refer back to it to remind myself how to be with anxiety when it gets intense because in the moment, in the thick of it, I tend to forget and say, “What do I do?!” and melt into fear? Which probably sounds silly but I learned to kind of “hang out” in a space of overwhelm and helplessness at a young age and that translates to not coping, period, with lots of things. So glad you found peace in the midst of borderline panic, @Mia1. ❤️

[KittenLePurr]

13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I’ve been having super intense feelings because of my fast amitriptyline taper. This morning I felt this intense anxiety and I was just observing my ego reacting like it wasn’t even me, it was such a surreal experience. I normally accept the anxiety, ignore it and stay in the present moment. Today I was like, no, I’m going to go deep into it and just let it be. It initially intensified but as I went deeper it lost all power. I truly realized on an even deeper level that I don’t need to do anything about anxiety, just allow it to be. Wanted to share that with you.

I’m so grateful for your share! Because I’ve dipped my toe in this, going deeper into the anxiety to feel the fear fully but it gets so intense I forget to observe and I get overwhelmed and lost in it. How incredible you waded right through! Reminds me of tapping/EFT, how initially, focusing on the feeling can intensify it but then it settles. I thought that was just the tapping on acupressure points doing it (I mean, that does help but it can also be a way of “fixing what’s ‘bad,’” if you do it every time you have a feeling!) but it’s the acceptance. I’m going to remember this.

13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

That’s great, I find it gets easier to come back to that place of peace, how about you?

It’s so true our lives become easier when we get out of our own way!! 

 

I feel like I forget how to connect with the peaceful place frequently, especially when in psych med withdrawal…but it’s all about practice, right? Methadone withdrawal is a little more physical than Celexa and other psych med withdrawal symptoms but then again, the anxiety is pretty much the same, so I’m sure practicing this will translate.

13 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

Do you mind me asking what your overall plan is to taper?  How does it work with the methadone, do you taper that by 10% also? 

 

Still working out a plan…I mean, I had one but now everything’s jumbled! Because generally 10% is the rule of thumb, yes, and that’s what I’ve done in the past because my former clinic used liquid so it was easy to reduce by 10% no matter the dose. Every clinic is different and my new one uses 40mg wafers, not liquid, so the smallest cuts they’ll do is 5mg or else the pieces start crumbling (I tried it at home—need to create liquid solution!) I’m at 30mg so a 5mg drop would hurt…😱 It wouldn’t be an issue if I could just have my meds at home and do my own dosage but methadone is heavily regulated so when I pick up my doses for the month, I’m required to take my dose in front of the clinic staff that day. So if I reduce my dose by 2mg and stabilize, when I return to the clinic I’ll either have to go back up or go down again to the nearest interval of 5mg. So it’s complicated and I’m really not sure how it’s going to work at all! I was really freaked out about this when I first found out they didn’t have liquid and wouldn’t work with me beyond cutting 40mg wafers into 8th. Methadone regulation is such a weird thing.

 

This is another reason I think I’m going to taper Celexa first. At least with that I don’t have to take whatever dose someone other than me will tolerate once a month! And I want my brain function back. since I’m at 30mg methadone now, I could do about a 10% cut in between trips to the clinic and end up at 5mg intervals by the end of the month if that makes sense. But even then, after a couple months, I won’t have enough time in between visits to stabilize without going down more than 10% so it would be painful. It’s something I’ve gotta figure out.  

 

So short story long, I don’t know what the hell to do! I’ve been pretty concerned about it. I may end up switching back to my old clinic 3 hours away so I have more control. My parents live in Austin so I could stay with them the night before. Everything is figure-out-able…albeit not necessarily easy! I hope that all made sense. Feeling extra foggy today…

 

May I ask you something @Mia1? Maybe none of my business. But I’m curious if you’re working while you go through this taper? I’m trying to rectify these things in my head, since I need to start working again. It seems so impossible to have a job while going through such intense healing but I know people do it. I just don’t know how! I worry that I’ll get some freelance clients and start supporting myself and then the withdrawal will get so intense, I can’t manage my projects and my life will fall apart (again.) I don’t know how people do this and I wonder if I could apply for some kind of disability funding. I’ve applied for that and gotten denied in the past but I was just depressed back then so this is different. Anyway❤️

[Mia1]

51 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

So short story long, I don’t know what the hell to do! I’ve been pretty concerned about it. I may end up switching back to my old clinic 3 hours away so I have more control. My parents live in Austin so I could stay with them the night before. Everything is figure-out-able…albeit not necessarily easy! I hope that all made sense. Feeling extra foggy today…

That sounds like a good plan, going back to your old clinic. I appreciate you sharing ❤️

 

53 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

May I ask you something @Mia1? Maybe none of my business. But I’m curious if you’re working while you go through this taper? I’m trying to rectify these things in my head, since I need to start working again. It seems so impossible to have a job while going through such intense healing but I know people do it. I just don’t know how! I worry that I’ll get some freelance clients and start supporting myself and then the withdrawal will get so intense, I can’t manage my projects and my life will fall apart (again.) I don’t know how people do this and I wonder if I could apply for some kind of disability funding. I’ve applied for that and gotten denied in the past but I was just depressed back then so this is different. Anyway❤️

I don’t mind sharing at all. I actually stopped working about a year before all this happened and I don’t have children. I’m incredibly grateful that I can just focus all my time and energy on this. That being said I have read countless stories about people going through w/d, having anxiety, not sleeping and working full time while raising children. (Shep, one of the moderators, has a truly inspiring story. If you ever have time to read her thread I highly recommend it.) Some people prefer to work and “get out of their heads” for a while. Other people do go on disability and focus on their recovery. It is very different than depression so if you can go on disability and make it a little easier for yourself then you should do it. If you need help with it tag one of the moderators, I remember seeing other people on this site getting help with that. Let me know what you decide to do.

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

This is incredible. I’m going to refer back to it to remind myself how to be with anxiety when it gets intense because in the moment, in the thick of it, I tend to forget and say, “What do I do?!” and melt into fear? Which probably sounds silly but I learned to kind of “hang out” in a space of overwhelm and helplessness at a young age and that translates to not coping, period, with lots of things. So glad you found peace in the midst of borderline panic, @Mia1. ❤️

Thank you!! I’m really excited about it, it’s going to make my klonopin taper (not to mention my life) SO much easier 🙏

[Greatful]

@Mia1 @KittenLePurr

I worked for a few months at the worst of my withdrawal.  (Remember the are the birds going to talk to me story)  I work in a high school kitchen.  You know the lunch lady.....I was laid off for Dec, Jan. the school shut down because of Covid. That was when I was crashing from my fast taper off Prozac and  put on and off several meds.  I was called back the fist part of Feb.  Man that was brutal,  My brain was in a constant haze and buzzing.  I had panic with some ocd issues being around people. Talk about being in ocd panic most of the day....  I was really in a very high sensitive state, and it was hard to follow talk. It is a good thing I knew my job so well I could be on auto pilot.  Some days I would come home and fall apart all most hysterical.  I carried a xanax in my pants pocket.  I don't know how I did it.  But I knew as horrific it was it was my job and it to a few hours out of my day from watching the clock. Plus I also know summer was around the corner.  Which leads me to my question.  I am off for the summer.  How do you fill your day.  I don't know how to do just nothing. I use to race around and find project like painting a room or of course there is always house work.😝  Yuk. I spent most of my life running away from something.  I never learned how to relax.  I also feel like I'm lazy if I'm not doing anything.  But deep down I think it is the flight or fight fear inside me....    I am really hoping this whole wd will lead me to figure out me and what all I need to do to get to a content and peaceful place.

 

I am walking most days and meditating and making sure I eat.  I think I have lost 15 to 20#.  trying to write down things  that make me feel good or what I am grateful for,  Writing down something I like about myself, journaling    Learning to tell myself I am in wd and I should not be so hard on myself or fear the unsettling thoughts, anxiety, brain not functioning right, panic feeling, depression and what ever else that comes up in wd.  I often find myself feeling ashamed that I can't function like I use to.  (not that that was very healthy).  So when I can say hey....YOU ARE IN WITHDRAWAL.  it take some of the pressure off.

 

one more thing,  if you have experienced ocd,  how do you shut off the  "what if" statement that can drive you nuts.....That book I was telling you that apart of ocd  is we have a hard time  accepting  uncertainty. The all powerful of not knowing for sure!  Being able to accept uncertainty will help deal with ocd issues. 

 

I have to go, my therapy appt is in 10 minutes.  I think I will have it on my front porch😄

Have a great day

Talk soon

 

Have a great day

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

I worked for a few months at the worst of my withdrawal.

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

I don't know how I did it. 

I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, this took a lot of strength and courage!!

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

I am off for the summer.  How do you fill your day.  I don't know how to do just nothing. I use to race around and find project like painting a room or of course there is always house work.😝  Yuk. I spent most of my life running away from something.  I never learned how to relax.  I also feel like I'm lazy if I'm not doing anything.  But deep down I think it is the flight or fight fear inside me....    I am really hoping this whole wd will lead me to figure out me and what all I need to do to get to a content and peaceful place.

For me being in w/d it’s a balance between structure and non structure. I go to the gym, do yoga, paint, go for mindful walks in nature, love to cook, attend Al-Anon meetings, listen to spiritual teachers, practice my skills, read, etc.  I just make sure I get some exercise everyday and connect with nature. My husband and I plan really fun things on the weekend so we’re usually pretty busy. I make it a point to do something I love everyday. Sometimes I’ll just have a completely free day where I don’t really do anything but relax and that’s okay too, listen to your body.

So this is a really great time for you to get to know yourself again, be comfortable in your skin. Like I said before if you allow it this can be an incredible spiritual journey of self discovery. Have fun with it and don’t overthink it. Be like a kid again, use your instincts. It sounds like you’re doing some really good work, you will find that peace you are looking for 💗

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

one more thing,  if you have experienced ocd,  how do you shut off the  "what if" statement that can drive you nuts.....That book I was telling you that apart of ocd  is we have a hard time  accepting  uncertainty. The all powerful of not knowing for sure!  Being able to accept uncertainty will help deal with ocd issues. 

I’ve learned to turn them into SO WHAT statements. Seriously what’s the worst that could ever happen to us, we go home? Nothing is as scary as our minds make it out to be. Life itself is one big uncertainty, that’s why we trust in the universe and accept everything as a gift for us to learn from. As hard as it may seem right now this w/d is a gift. Would you be working so hard to love yourself and improve yourself if this wasn’t happening? I also wouldn’t have met you or KittenLePurr and for that alone I’m grateful 💓

[KittenLePurr]

On 6/23/2021 at 10:02 AM, Mia1 said:

I don’t mind sharing at all. I actually stopped working about a year before all this happened and I don’t have children. I’m incredibly grateful that I can just focus all my time and energy on this. That being said I have read countless stories about people going through w/d, having anxiety, not sleeping and working full time while raising children. (Shep, one of the moderators, has a truly inspiring story. If you ever have time to read her thread I highly recommend it.) Some people prefer to work and “get out of their heads” for a while. Other people do go on disability and focus on their recovery. It is very different than depression so if you can go on disability and make it a little easier for yourself then you should do it. If you need help with it tag one of the moderators, I remember seeing other people on this site getting help with that. Let me know what you decide to do.

Thank you so much for sharing and I'm so glad you are able to focus your time and energy on healing! It is literally the most important thing and as you know I've been struggling to wrap my head around how to do all the things at once. It really stresses me out. And I can't imagine going through this and working and caring for children! I feel like some people are just more apt?? I don't know. My sister tapered off 10mg Lexapro over like 3 months and continued to work the whole time as a traveling musician! She was miserable but she just powered through and now she's fine. Lots of old issues there but I feel like she's just never had a hard time with things that feel completely impossible to me...  Anyway, I will read Shep's story because how on Earth?! Thank you.

 

And I am going to look into getting disability. I feel like at some point that may be absolutely necessary although my guy and other people insist I just don't give myself enough credit. But if the past few days have been any indication just stabilizing on methadone and not sleeping great, the tail end of my tapers are going to make it especially hard to have a career. I haven't been able to focus on writing and I can't come up with 80% of the words I'm trying to use. It's worth at least considering my options. I do want to put my recovery at the absolute top of my priority list. I mean, it already is there.

[KittenLePurr]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:50 PM, Greatful said:

@Mia1 @KittenLePurr

I worked for a few months at the worst of my withdrawal.  (Remember the are the birds going to talk to me story)  I work in a high school kitchen.  You know the lunch lady.....I was laid off for Dec, Jan. the school shut down because of Covid. That was when I was crashing from my fast taper off Prozac and  put on and off several meds.  I was called back the fist part of Feb.  Man that was brutal,  My brain was in a constant haze and buzzing.  I had panic with some ocd issues being around people. Talk about being in ocd panic most of the day....  I was really in a very high sensitive state, and it was hard to follow talk. It is a good thing I knew my job so well I could be on auto pilot.  Some days I would come home and fall apart all most hysterical.  I carried a xanax in my pants pocket.  I don't know how I did it.  But I knew as horrific it was it was my job and it to a few hours out of my day from watching the clock. Plus I also know summer was around the corner.  

I don't know how you did it either...being in intense withdrawal and being around people and being "on" feels absolutely impossible to me! I already have bothersome social anxiety and get extremely uncomfortable and freaked out about needing to be "on" and "do a good job..." Of course, it stems from not being accepted or having my feelings welcomed as a child and letting my fear of not being accepted or "seeming normal/good" and I'm working on it all but still it just sounds like an absolute nightmare to force myself to function normally?! So you are amazing and incredibly strong!! It's so impressive you managed.

Quote

 

 

Which leads me to my question.  I am off for the summer.  How do you fill your day.  I don't know how to do just nothing. I use to race around and find project like painting a room or of course there is always house work.😝  Yuk. I spent most of my life running away from something.  I never learned how to relax.  I also feel like I'm lazy if I'm not doing anything.  But deep down I think it is the flight or fight fear inside me....    I am really hoping this whole wd will lead me to figure out me and what all I need to do to get to a content and peaceful place.

I'm so glad you can take some time to just focus on healing. This absolutely can lead you to figure out you and get content and peaceful. You're in the midst of an awakening and transformation and while it may not be "easy," it can be a beautiful thing. I love that you're walking, eating, meditating and journaling. Journaling has been huge for me, along with meditation. You can journal on things you're grateful for, things you want to manifest in your life; that's great. It's been so helpful for me to journal on the yucky, nasty feelings I feel, too. When a feeling gets really intense, journaling can really help disperse that energy so it's much more manageable. I can't recommend keeping and filling a journal regularly enough.

 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

And I am going to look into getting disability. I feel like at some point that may be absolutely necessary although my guy and other people insist I just don't give myself enough credit. But if the past few days have been any indication just stabilizing on methadone and not sleeping great, the tail end of my tapers are going to make it especially hard to have a career. I haven't been able to focus on writing and I can't come up with 80% of the words I'm trying to use. It's worth at least considering my options. I do want to put my recovery at the absolute top of my priority list. I mean, it already is there.

I have no doubt you are strong enough to work but honestly if you can go on disability and focus your energy on healing why wouldn’t you. The work we’re doing is why we’re here, right?

And I can so relate with trying to think of words or just think in general, lol. I have pretty intense neuro emotions so they are my current teachers. Are you experiencing any of that?

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr Did you get the tag I sent you and Mia1? You should have gotten notification.  I know she looked at it.  It is on my thread. I really think you should go to my thread and read it if you haven't.  I was pretty excited.  It has to do with  how to over come neg. thinking.  I put it to use right away yesterday morning.  

 

I don't see why you shouldn't look into disability.  It is hard enough to go through wd, let alone trying to use your brain in the way it is suppose to be used and it doesn't want work that way.  I was lucky I could work on auto pilot and fight the mind with just trying to stay sane.

If I don't think I will be able to function enough in the fall to go back to work, I will try FMLA.  I have quite a bit of sick time stocked up.  Last year was my 19th year, and I have not use a lot of my sick leave....   The one thing good about working for a school district is you have pretty much the same time off as the kids,  school breaks and the summer... 🙃

 

You will figure it out and you will make the best decision and right decision for you.  You are a strong women fighting for a healthier life. 

 Look how for you have come!

[KittenLePurr]

12 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

I have no doubt you are strong enough to work but honestly if you can go on disability and focus your energy on healing why wouldn’t you. The work we’re doing is why we’re here, right?

And I can so relate with trying to think of words or just think in general, lol. I have pretty intense neuro emotions so they are my current teachers. Are you experiencing any of that?

I've been meaning to ask what neuro emotions are?? I've seen that phrase and keep meaning to look it up.

[Mia1]

2 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been meaning to ask what neuro emotions are?? 

So they are basically really intense exaggerated emotions. Let’s say something annoys you, during w/d you would instead feel an almost murderous rage when experiencing neuro emotions. Works for all emotions, even the positive ones. Someone on this site coined the phrase and wrote about it. If you have time just type in neuro emotions and it will bring you to the thread.

[Mia1]

6 minutes ago, Greatful said:

If I don't think I will be able to function enough in the fall to go back to work, I will try FMLA.  I have quite a bit of sick time stocked up.  Last year was my 19th year, and I have not use a lot of my sick leave....   The one thing good about working for a school district is you have pretty much the same time off as the kids,  school breaks and the summer... 🙃

That would be fantastic, and I love that you get all the same breaks! 

[KittenLePurr]

5 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

So they are basically really intense exaggerated emotions. Let’s say something annoys you, during w/d you would instead feel an almost murderous rage when experiencing neuro emotions. Works for all emotions, even the positive ones. Someone on this site coined the phrase and wrote about it. If you have time just type in neuro emotions and it will bring you to the thread.

Ohh yes. I've definitely experienced this and still do at times. Like when our new-to-us dryer wouldn't turn on and I got so furious with my guy's parents for giving it to us in the first place! Not quite murderous but really, really angry. I wonder if that's why I'm feeling so listless today. I had a kind of disappointing call with a potential client this morning. I went in thinking it was going to be this big contract and turns out they want me to work in exchange for a free membership to their online community. 😕 Shouldn't have gotten so excited at the prospect of getting a big, lucrative job...but also I got kind of unreasonably heartbroken

[KittenLePurr]

But really, maybe it's not a bad thing. A big contract where I'm writing multiple websites' worth of copy would be intense right now!! At a time when just trying to think straight can be so challenging...sometimes it literally feels painful. I've been told I'm lazy and just don't want to work by other people and I think I've internalized that and beat myself up for even wanting "free support" by applying for disability (again...did I tell you I got denied when I applied for it for my depression several years back? And back then my partner was like "You don't really need that, you know." And maybe I didn't but I did have crazy brain fog from the Klonipin and Celexa I was on, although I didn't know that was why at the time.) But I don't think that's true. I would love to take part in something I cared about, and writing for wellness and healing companies could be that...as long as I can think straight. If I signed on to rewrite websites right now I'd be way too scared to mess with any of my meds. So maybe it's a blessing. Although asking my mom for rent money sucks too. Sorry I'm just thinking "aloud" here. Ha

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr @Mia1  Have either one of you read  "What is happening in your brain"   If not it is in the symptoms and self care 

It really made me feel better to read how your brain is trying to heal....Anyway go look if you haven't read it yet.  

I have read through a few of the thread from symptoms and care.  That is were I first felt relief that feeling  unexplained fear was something that can happen with wd,   other peoples crazy ocd symptoms.  It's like wd make ocd worse in sometimes odd ways,   Have either of you read through some of those threads?

 

 

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been told I'm lazy and just don't want to work by other people and I think I've internalized that and beat myself up for even wanting "free support" by applying for disability (again...did I tell you I got denied when I applied for it for my depression several years back? And back then my partner was like "You don't really need that, you know." And maybe I didn't but I did have crazy brain fog from the Klonipin and Celexa I was on, although I didn't know that was why at the time.) But I don't think that's true. I would love to take part in something I cared about, and writing for wellness and healing companies could be that...as long as I can think straight. If I signed on to rewrite websites right now I'd be way too scared to mess with any of my meds. So maybe it's a blessing. Although asking my mom for rent money sucks too. Sorry I'm just thinking "aloud" here. Ha

It’s like I said, there is no work that is more important than what you are doing now and as we know it takes incredible strength and determination to do it. I think the universe is telling you that you already have a job...you!! I think once you are healed the work will come naturally and in the meantime maybe you can do something here or there if you’re up to it. And if you’re parents can help then that’s wonderful, it all ultimately comes from the universe so if you look at it that way win/win. I think so much of this is perspective. You’re really doing great, keep building on it 😊

[Mia1]

@GreatfulI read a lot of stuff when I first joined, the link on neuro emotions helped me so much. It really can be reassuring to know that what you are going through is normal and that other people have experienced it. I still look around from time to time but not as much, I appreciate the reminder!!

[Mia1]

@KittenLePurr @GreatfulI have been doing this body scan meditation nightly for healing, I find it so helpful so wanted to share with you guys. 

 

 

[Greatful]

Did you get a chance to look at this yet?

I hope you had a good weekend.😊

Click on the title.

 

[KittenLePurr]

On 6/25/2021 at 6:48 PM, Mia1 said:

@KittenLePurr @GreatfulI have been doing this body scan meditation nightly for healing, I find it so helpful so wanted to share with you guys. 

 

 

This looks great! Trying it tonight ❤️ I've been meditating more than usual lately and I feel like it's helping all the more...literally can't get enough of it right now. I think it's the only reason I got through the day today. 

 

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr Hi, how was your weekend?  I am sorry it sounds like you had a tuff day.🙃  I hope you are feeling a better now. 

 

 Meditating is a good thing.  I have been having a hard time relaxing the mind lately.  I just keep telling myself keep doing it everyday if I can't relax the mind at least I am resting.. I do feel tired sometimes after.  Is there a right way or a wrong way?  

 

Sending you warm 🤗 hugs

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  I will have to try that meditation out tomorrow. Thanks for sharing.

[Mia1]

That’s fantastic, are you in a place of stillness observing what’s happening? As I go deeper in W/D I have been going deeper into acceptance and have really started to contemplate and do work on experiencing all my feelings/emotions and physical sensations as neutral.  I do a lot of self inquiry with thoughts regarding this because we’re so programmed to think certain emotions/feelings are bad and that we can’t be happy if we feel a certain way. It’s remarkable how we can transcend quite literally anything.

How did you like the body scan? I love that there’s the healing component to it, I really believe we all have the capacity to self heal, it’s been helping me tremendously.