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KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)


KittenLePurr

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19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I had another opportunity to be with intense feelings this morning when I found out my new methadone clinic has pills, not liquid, and they won't let you break them, so in order to continue tapering methadone, I would have to drop 5 MG at a time (from only 25mg and lower!¬†OUCH!!!!ūüėĪūüėĪūüėĪūüėĪūüėĪ) My old clinic has liquid methadone and will make smaller decreases so I guess I just assumed every clinic was like that. I felt so much fear and shock and frustration. Then¬†I realized I could just transfer back to my old clinic and go there once a month to pick up doses, like I was doing there anyway, which isn't ideal¬†but it's doable. And then the anxious voice in my head started up, like "But either way you're either dropping 2 mg or going back up 3 mg (my dose is 27mg so I have to go to either 25 or 30 on Tuesday when I get admitted) and undoing some of your progress! And maybe you should go back to tapering methadone right now instead of Celexa, after all, beacuse you have to work more now, and methadone withdrawal doesn't cause as much brain fog. How are you going to taper Celexa while working?? You won't be able to! Then you're STUCK on these meds! You're going to be stuck on them FOREVER!!" I cried a little because it was overwhelming. But I quickly pulled out of it. I still don't know what I'm going to do but I haven't been suffering, other than that couple of minutes. Normally I think this would ruin my entire day! Progress, not perfection, right? And I guess I'm going to¬†see how things go and wait to receive guidance and know for sure what I want to do. "If you don't know what to do, wait until you do," as Kelly Brogan says. One of my mantras, especially when I feel indecisive, which is often. :)¬†Although, less so since I started listening to my body...because it'll tell me when something feels really wrong.

That’s truly fantastic progress and I’m so happy you can go back to your previous clinic. Definitely do what feels right for you and taper slowly. Let me know what you decide to do. 

 

19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

What spiritual teachers do you recommend? I feel like I've only listened to a very small few and could benefit from taking in some more information and assurance. I'm inspired to keep going and to go deeper. Meditate even more. Some mornings I only do it for 10 minutes, which feels like the bare minimum. I've realized I have a ton of fear of not having enough time and I've often let that dictate what I do and how much time I spend on even the most important things. But those important things are literally THE most important things in life--everything else, including my livelihood--comes after.

19 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Thank you ‚̧ԳŹ¬†

 

Alan Watts is my absolute favorite, helped me so much with acceptance and just going with the flow. Some others that helped me are David Hawkins, Elkhart Tolle, Gabor Mate, Mooji, and Thich Nhat Hahn, just to name a few. And anything on Taoism and Buddhism and the original teachings of Jesus. I also got a lot out of searching something I wanted to learn and then just watching random videos. I found that the teacher would appear when I was ready so kept myself open to this.

I actually cut my meditation down to 30 minutes in the morning, it’s what I would recommend. I found it much more beneficial to to this plus practice mindfulness all day, which is just training your brain to stay in the present moment. 

What are your spiritual practices? 

You‚Äôre very welcome ūüíó

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Lamictal, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20. Decreased 50mg to 25 mg first week in May, 25mg to 12mg second week in May, 25mg to 10mg third week in May, 10mg to 8 mg fourth week in May. Stayed here for a month and reinstated 2 mg in July. 1/21 -4/21 9-0 mg Amitriptyline 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

‚ÄúWe can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.‚ÄĚ ¬†- Albert Einstein¬†

 

 

 

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Hi, Kittenlepurr  Mia1 recommend I check out your story.  I sure can relate to fear and anxiety.  I learned fear at a young age, turbulent childhood and developed fear about what is around the corner.   I to tried to self medicate in my teens.  Mostly alcohol, like you it was to get blasted so I did not have to think.    I also have a very low self esteem, worry about doing everything right.  You know the whole self defeating abuse.  

 

  Anyway I congratulate you on how far you have come in life.  Your perseverance to better your life is inspiring.  You have been through so much more than me and if you can over come your past and grow as into the person you deserve  to be, so can I............

Mia1 has a amazing strength and great insight on acceptance.  I hope to follow your thread to get more encouragement and maybe jump in once in awhile  

Greatful

5/2020  through 11/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  depression and anxiety insomnia

12/2/2020 Zoloft 12.5mg 12/13  25mg.   12/24  37.5mg  12/28  50mg.  Bad side  stop

1/5/2021 up lamictal from 200mg to 300mg.  1/13  lamictal 400mg.  Brain started ruminating and obsessing 1/17 lamictal 300mg.  1/22 lamictal 200mg

1/22/2021  Seroquel 50mg for sleep  Became paranoid. nausea headaches 1/29  stopped

1/29/2021 Trazadone 50mg      4/25  25mg

2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5

2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16  stopped

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr   3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects Stop   

4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg   4/30 10mg       5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone   L theanine 100mg   xanax  .25 as needed  Magnesium glycinate 100mg  Omega 3 2000mg   .5 mg melatonin

 

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On 6/11/2021 at 7:53 AM, Mia1 said:

Alan Watts is my absolute favorite, helped me so much with acceptance and just going with the flow. Some others that helped me are David Hawkins, Elkhart Tolle, Gabor Mate, Mooji, and Thich Nhat Hahn, just to name a few. And anything on Taoism and Buddhism and the original teachings of Jesus. I also got a lot out of searching something I wanted to learn and then just watching random videos. I found that the teacher would appear when I was ready so kept myself open to this.

I actually cut my meditation down to 30 minutes in the morning, it’s what I would recommend. I found it much more beneficial to to this plus practice mindfulness all day, which is just training your brain to stay in the present moment. 

What are your spiritual practices? 

You‚Äôre very welcome ūüíó

Thank you--I love Eckhart Tolle and Gabor Mate but have been meaning to do a deeper dive on Alan Watts for AGES as well as Thich Nhat Hahn and David Hawkins! And I second the searching subjects and watching random videos...lol. That's how I found Teal Swan and her thoughts on emotional intimacy issues helped me delve deeper into healing my social anxiety! (Still a work in progress, of course.)

 

And 30 minutes definitely feels more doable! I'll start working my way up. Lately I've been doing 15 or so. But sometimes I get so relaxed I keep going without a timer.

 

I've been working mindfulness into my days lately. Which came in really handy over the past week when I overdrew my accountūüė¨¬†I'm managing but better than I thought I would, which reminds me yet again that things really¬†never need to be as scary as I make them out to be in my head. I mean, it doesn't feel¬†great.¬†But I'm not dying or having panic attacks. I'm having to really work to stay present.

 

On the other hand, the other day, I had a freaking meltdown. Got really stuck in a story and it all started when something kinda silly happened; our new-to-us dryer wouldn't turn on. Immediately I went to "Great--now to get it working we have to spend more money I don't have" and the whole story about how "nothing works out for me no matter how hard I try" spiraled around and around. I was so angry and dejected. Just being such a victim. And all the while, I was watching myself and my thoughts, thinking, "I know better. I don't have to be this upset" but it felt impossible not to be for about an hour or two. Then I realized that my mind's whole argument of "Well how can I not believe this story if everything in my surroundings keeps screaming that it's true??" was completely false. I realized no one is telling me that story but me. I journaled and tried to figure out where this pattern came from and realized it's leftover from when I was little and my older sister was the family superstar and got all the achievements and all the praise. I never felt like I was good enough because she did everything first and better. And I've carried that around into my adulthood, making it so!

 

So I'm working on that this week, processing those old, pent up emotions. It's been a bit painful of course but also a relief to get that ****¬†out.¬†Like it was fermenting and festering in my spiritual guts and I'm finally getting rid of itūü§™¬†Feeling really centered about it. Getting some waves of fear but not buying into them. Thank you for urging me to try this! Not getting it perfect every moment but it is helping a lot.

 

I decided to go back up 3mg methadone. Maybe just for today, since I have my doses for the month, and I could go back down to 27mg until next month and just see how long a 1-day increase takes to level back out from. I don't know. Because I'm probably still going to taper Celexa first since I'm more concerned about getting my brain back. Need to meditate on this!

 

I did this course called Core Wound Healing a while back and the meditation piece of it is my (semi-inconsistent) spiritual practice...basically I just focus on my heart space and ask my intuition for guidance on a certain issue, and I write down the messages that come out. Sort of like a blend of intuitive journaling a prayer. I don't do it all the time because it can take me a while to get messages to everything I want clarity on. I really need to do it more, I think. And here come the worries about not having time because I have to start working more...

 

I want to develop more of a spiritual practice, though. I do pray before bed and often in the morning now, only since like a few weeks ago!ūüėܬ†

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered myself off 0.35mg in Spring or 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered too fast by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering 2020, got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

Cut Citalopram by 10% today. Hoping to do it smoothly and put this behind me! Resisting the urge to do it quickly...

 

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1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Hi, Kittenlepurr  Mia1 recommend I check out your story.  I sure can relate to fear and anxiety.  I learned fear at a young age, turbulent childhood and developed fear about what is around the corner.   I to tried to self medicate in my teens.  Mostly alcohol, like you it was to get blasted so I did not have to think.    I also have a very low self esteem, worry about doing everything right.  You know the whole self defeating abuse.  

 

  Anyway I congratulate you on how far you have come in life.  Your perseverance to better your life is inspiring.  You have been through so much more than me and if you can over come your past and grow as into the person you deserve  to be, so can I............

Mia1 has a amazing strength and great insight on acceptance.  I hope to follow your thread to get more encouragement and maybe jump in once in awhile  

Greatful

Thank you so much, Greatful ‚̧ԳŹ¬†I'm so glad you're here. You absolutely can¬†heal yourself. It's so interesting how reading your comment I can know so strongly that you've got what it takes while simultaneously doubting my own strength...it's comforting to know you get that. These old patterns are really, really deeply rooted.¬†

 

It's a constant thing, trying to disarm and resist the worrying and self-defeating thoughts. I have a lot more hope and am getting better at it since I started talking with Mia1!! That's for sure. I'm so grateful to have found this space and connected with like minds! Please do jump in. Thank you so much for your support. Knowing other people out there get it is so, so important.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered myself off 0.35mg in Spring or 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants :( - gradually lowered from 80mg down to 24mg 2015-2021

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered too fast by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering 2020, got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

Cut Citalopram by 10% today. Hoping to do it smoothly and put this behind me! Resisting the urge to do it quickly...

 

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I can relate to the self sabotage.  Tough last few days.  Big range of emotions today.  Do you ever get rage?  I went from depression, anxiety, panic, hopelessness, worthlessness, rage, back to sadness.  The feelings of worthlessness stems back from childhood. 

I tried to clean up around the house a little and my rage built and then the worthlessness hit,  on and on it goes in your mind.  I tried to tell myself that it is the neuro emotion magnifying your neg feeling about yourself.  I kept cleaning trying to let it just be.   Man it sure is hard to sit in that pain. 

You can find my thread by going to the top on the page and type in Greatful in the search bar,  you can look up Mia1 too.  If you want to follow someone and get notifications when there is a post,  you have to click on follow on their thread.  (maybe you already know that) 

 

By the way I have you and Mia1 beat¬† I just turned 58 in May¬†ūüė¨¬† I want to get through this, put the past behind me and live a simple content life.....

Take care of yourself 

 

5/2020  through 11/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  depression and anxiety insomnia

12/2/2020 Zoloft 12.5mg 12/13  25mg.   12/24  37.5mg  12/28  50mg.  Bad side  stop

1/5/2021 up lamictal from 200mg to 300mg.  1/13  lamictal 400mg.  Brain started ruminating and obsessing 1/17 lamictal 300mg.  1/22 lamictal 200mg

1/22/2021  Seroquel 50mg for sleep  Became paranoid. nausea headaches 1/29  stopped

1/29/2021 Trazadone 50mg      4/25  25mg

2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5

2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16  stopped

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr   3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects Stop   

4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg   4/30 10mg       5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone   L theanine 100mg   xanax  .25 as needed  Magnesium glycinate 100mg  Omega 3 2000mg   .5 mg melatonin

 

Link to post
2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

That's how I found Teal Swan and her thoughts on emotional intimacy issues helped me delve deeper into healing my social anxiety!

I haven’t heard of her, definitely going to check it out, thanks!!

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been working mindfulness into my days lately. Which came in really handy over the past week when I overdrew my accountūüė¨¬†I'm managing but better than I thought I would, which reminds me yet again that things really¬†never need to be as scary as I make them out to be in my head. I mean, it doesn't feel¬†great.¬†But I'm not dying or having panic attacks. I'm having to really work to stay present.

This is AMAZING insight and progress!! When I added the mindful piece my life truly started to transform.

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

On the other hand, the other day, I had a freaking meltdown. Got really stuck in a story and it all started when something kinda silly happened; our new-to-us dryer wouldn't turn on. Immediately I went to "Great--now to get it working we have to spend more money I don't have" and the whole story about how "nothing works out for me no matter how hard I try" spiraled around and around. I was so angry and dejected. Just being such a victim. And all the while, I was watching myself and my thoughts, thinking, "I know better. I don't have to be this upset" but it felt impossible not to be for about an hour or two. Then I realized that my mind's whole argument of "Well how can I not believe this story if everything in my surroundings keeps screaming that it's true??" was completely false. I realized no one is telling me that story but me. I journaled and tried to figure out where this pattern came from and realized it's leftover from when I was little and my older sister was the family superstar and got all the achievements and all the praise. I never felt like I was good enough because she did everything first and better. And I've carried that around into my adulthood, making it so!

This is IT. You got it. And the great news is it’s like a muscle, keep doing it and it only gets stronger. Just remember it never has to be perfect. 

Powerful trauma work, thanks for sharing.

This whole post really brought a smile to my face, you have no idea how happy I am for you ‚̧ԳŹ

 

 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Lamictal, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20. Decreased 50mg to 25 mg first week in May, 25mg to 12mg second week in May, 25mg to 10mg third week in May, 10mg to 8 mg fourth week in May. Stayed here for a month and reinstated 2 mg in July. 1/21 -4/21 9-0 mg Amitriptyline 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

‚ÄúWe can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.‚ÄĚ ¬†- Albert Einstein¬†

 

 

 

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@Greatful

I‚Äôm so happy you made it here!! I don‚Äôt think it‚Äôs a coincidence we all¬†ended up together. We‚Äôre all facing difficult emotions without substances and healing our trauma. Look at the strength that takes ūü홂̧ԳŹ

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Lamictal, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Ability.

Amitriptyline: 50 mg 2015-5/20. Decreased 50mg to 25 mg first week in May, 25mg to 12mg second week in May, 25mg to 10mg third week in May, 10mg to 8 mg fourth week in May. Stayed here for a month and reinstated 2 mg in July. 1/21 -4/21 9-0 mg Amitriptyline 

Klonopin: .5 mg since 2001

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

‚ÄúWe can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.‚ÄĚ ¬†- Albert Einstein¬†

 

 

 

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