KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

October 22, 2021

On 10/18/2021 at 5:37 PM, Greatful said:

Right on. This is what Molly has told me. I needed that shield to survive and protect me. Just like you I have to say thank you shield for helping but I don't need you no more. It sure is hard for her to let go. And in some cases it is hard for me to let her go. Co depended maybe.

Same here. It's all we've known for most of our lives, that voice. Mine sounds like my mom. My mom is the most anxious, sensitive, overly self-critical person I've ever met! And as a result I adopted a similar voice to the one she very obviously has. And it can be stressful to be around her. This very negative commentary going on (at times; my mom is also very sweet and generous--just depends on the day!) And I have my dad in there too, of course, which was the aha when I was judging him the other day. Like, "Oh right, I do the same thing and I hate it!" So can I love it--not as in wanting it to stick around forever and ever or think it's the greatest thing ever, but as in accepting it as a part of me and softening around it? Absolutely a work in progress. Quite the journey!

On 10/18/2021 at 5:37 PM, Greatful said:

Thank you so much for sharing with me. This is a hard journey and it can be a lonely journey.

But sharing struggles and healing reminds us we are all the same, just trying to be a kind, loving people.❤️

Thank you for sharing with me, too ❤️ It's deeply changed my life, sharing with y'all here, in enormous ways!

I had the BEST window the other day...I felt grounded, optimistic, grateful, and just happy. I don't know where it came from but it was awesome! It lasted a few hours and it was glorious. Then I got a little low and tense again and have kind of stayed there. A little depressed-ish today, maybe because I ran out of one of my supplements--inositol, which helps with anxiety and depression--and didn't reorder because I really want to cut back on my expenses... My mom has been helping me financially and I don't feel good about it. 😕 So I'm trying to cut out any expenses I can, even little ones. I don't know if it's worth it to cut out such a cheap supplement (it's like $20 for a 2-month supply?) that helps me but I'm trying to trust that I'll figure that out...or attract more money of my own soon.

All in all, this Celexa cut has not been that bad. It's been a week now and I feel pretty balanced. Obviously it's still a challenge to resist the urge to get on the fear/anxiety train and I'm kinda low but I'm also pretty relaxed over all.

Although I've been connecting with people on LinkedIn to market my business and one of my new connections wants to get on a video call and get to know each other better and I'm like 😮 😮 "****--do I have to?!" It'd probably be relatively quick and could even potentially lead to work but my whole body is like AARGGH NOOOO!! SO awkward. Really hate this discomfort I feel around other people...it's just absolutely excruciating!

October 24, 2021

On 10/22/2021 at 1:35 PM, KittenLePurr said:

maybe because I ran out of one of my supplements--inositol, which helps with anxiety and depression--

I would be careful with supplements that could effect the production of serotonin and dopamine in the brain as our brain is healing and trying to naturally produce these chemicals on its own again. I think if you add a supplement that does this it will be very confusing to the brain and it could stop producing these chemicals causing you to experience w/d if you stop taking it. I also think you run the risk of emotional dependence.

I’m not judging, I just think that there’s an acceptance because it’s a supplement and some supplements can be harmful. I believe we have the power to heal ourselves. With that said I do take magnesium and fish oil to aid in the healing of the CNS, I find them both to be very calming. Have you tried them?

On 10/22/2021 at 1:35 PM, KittenLePurr said:

All in all, this Celexa cut has not been that bad.

This is great news, it seems overall you’re really handling the taper well. I think it shows that all the work you have put into yourself has paid off, keep up the good work!!

On 10/22/2021 at 1:35 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Although I've been connecting with people on LinkedIn to market my business and one of my new connections wants to get on a video call and get to know each other better and I'm like 😮 😮 "****--do I have to?!" It'd probably be relatively quick and could even potentially lead to work but my whole body is like AARGGH NOOOO!! SO awkward. Really hate this discomfort I feel around other people...it's just absolutely excruciating!

That’s great you’re making connections!! If you don’t mind me asking whatever happened to that company that was thinking about doing their own writing, what did they decide to do?

When I feel that uncomfortable about something I see it as a great opportunity to overcome whatever fear I’m experiencing. We know it’s not real, it’s some irrational thought about ourselves that we’ve attached to. So what better way to recondition ourselves than with a little exposure therapy.

Almost everyday I find something to do that makes me uncomfortable. I no longer accept the limitations of my mind. So embrace being uncomfortable and do it anyway. Live your life as if today is your last day. Don’t care what other people think, treat yourself as the most important person you know.

You’re awesome KLP so live every moment of your life letting that shine through 💖

November 9, 2021

You’ve been pretty quiet, wanted to see how you are doing, everything okay?

November 29, 2021

Sorry for the radio silence. I've been feeling so quiet lately like I have nothing to say or at least I feel too reserved to say much anytime I don't have to communicate, as in work. Which I've had way more of lately...which has felt good but also really overwhelming, so yet again I'm stressing out about how on Earth I'm going to be a freelance writer while going through withdrawal. Which is totally why my back "went out" a few weeks back: because I overloaded myself with stress. WHOA that was actually a month ago...where did the time go?!

Anyway, I did nothing to injure my back; I bent over to get into a low drawer and something happened in my low back and the next day, I could barely move without excruciating pain. I couldn't tolerate the sensations of sitting or standing, so I spent over a week lying flat aside from getting up to pee and eat. It was awkward to hold a phone or my computer, I didn't use technology at all outside of work. Then this feeling of not being able to or not wanting to communicate materialized and I've been super out of touch. I've read some of your updates in email notifications, @Mia1 and @Greatful and I'm sorry you've both been having intense symptoms. I'll catch up more over the next couple days.

I've been finally feeling a lot better and am back to doing vinyasa yoga, although I'm being extra, extra careful, which can be annoying but also has a really beautiful silver lining: a regard for and connection to my body I didn't have before. During the week I was in bed, I meditated a TON and realized I'd been neglecting my mindfulness practice because I'd decided I wanted to become a cryptocurrency expert and exit the system completely and for good...so really it wasn't a surprise that my back got crazy. Lots of spiritual teachers say back issues are related to financial/support issues. I got over most of the fear pretty quickly but the frustration still creeps back in. I haven't gotten it checked out because I so deeply distrust doctors and the medical industrial complex and don't want to risk getting a damaging diagnosis I'll also then have to heal from, plus it's gotten 1,000,000 times better. More like a recurring chronic pain now, which I have experience with.

Finding my communication skills again. Thank goodness, because I have 2 client calls coming up...which I'm dreading with every fiber of my being. How can I make social interaction less painful?? It is literally excruciating. I try to stay present and detached from my thoughts but it's so intense and so much deeper than that, I still don't ever want to do it.

Hope you're all feeling peaceful and had a warm, relaxed Thanksgiving. ❤️

November 30, 2021

On 10/24/2021 at 8:57 AM, Mia1 said:

I would be careful with supplements that could effect the production of serotonin and dopamine in the brain as our brain is healing and trying to naturally produce these chemicals on its own again. I think if you add a supplement that does this it will be very confusing to the brain and it could stop producing these chemicals causing you to experience w/d if you stop taking it. I also think you run the risk of emotional dependence.

Oh yeah--that's totally the case, and I wish I'd thought of it years ago because I've been on a bunch of supplements including inositol for like 2 years at this point, ever since I first started tapering Celexa...at that time, I didn't really "get" how helpful meditation could be and I was desperate to feel better so I kept throwing stuff at my system. Didn't stay on all of it, but several things that truly did make a difference, I now can't seem to go without. 5-HTP, Tryptophan, Ashwagandha, magnesium, fish oil, inosital...sometimes Gaba, but not all the time. Man I love Gaba. So calming. I feel like I'm missing one...Oh I actually started taking Tyrosine because I learned long-term use of 5-HTP could run down your receptors. I'd already been on it for like a year at that point and didn't want to mess with another kind of withdrawal, if that's what it would be.

When I have run out of the ones I take daily, it's been extremely uncomfortable and each time I ended up saying "Why am I putting myself through this extra difficulty?? It's not like it's an unhealthy drug and it's cheap; I'd rather be stable and comfortable and get off the toxic pharma crap first." I'll probably have to taper some of the supplements slowly, too at some point. One thing at a time. ❤️

On 10/24/2021 at 8:57 AM, Mia1 said:

That’s great you’re making connections!! If you don’t mind me asking whatever happened to that company that was thinking about doing their own writing, what did they decide to do?

They did decide to do their own writing. 😕 BUT I did their email newsletter throughout the whole month of November while the guy who usually does it took paternity leave. So they'll hire me for extenuating circumstances or whatever. But it's not a regular gig anymore. Sucks because it's all about natural health, my passion!

On 10/24/2021 at 8:57 AM, Mia1 said:

When I feel that uncomfortable about something I see it as a great opportunity to overcome whatever fear I’m experiencing. We know it’s not real, it’s some irrational thought about ourselves that we’ve attached to. So what better way to recondition ourselves than with a little exposure therapy.

I'm working on this. Albeit not so successfully lately! One step at a time.

On 10/24/2021 at 8:57 AM, Mia1 said:

You’re awesome KLP so live every moment of your life letting that shine through 💖

Thank you, @Mia1❤️ I so appreciate your messages and support and am sorry I disappeared. How are you feeling today?

November 30, 2021

I am glad to hear you are okay. ❤️

16 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been feeling so quiet lately like I have nothing to say or at least I feel too reserved to say much anytime I don't have to communicate, as in work.

You must take care of yourself and know how to put up boundary's to protect yourself.

Way to prioritize 🌞

My guess you just tweeted your back and time is all it needs to heal. I have done in my back and know they can be very painful.

The work though it might be stressful in one way it reliefs it in other ways🥴

Work make money less stress.......Talk to people for work and create stress. Ain't live grand😁

Oh yeah the cherry on the cake you get to do it WD🥰

We are STRONG💪

December 1, 2021

I’m glad your back is doing better, I understand wanting to retreat and having healing time for yourself. How’s the taper going, still decreasing monthly?

I’m doing okay, after the third cut of Klonopin it all sort of caught up with me and the akathisia I experience has been more intense lately. It’s manageable though and I’m going to decrease how much I taper monthly, it’s something I’m figuring out month to month.

It was good hearing from you😊

December 2, 2021

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I’m glad your back is doing better, I understand wanting to retreat and having healing time for yourself. How’s the taper going, still decreasing monthly?

thank you, me too!! What a ride… Since it got so intense, I didn’t do any more cuts so I probably held for about 2 months? Just did another cut yesterday and it’s going fine so far but

it’s so, so hard to be motivated to do ANYTHING. I feel like I am just kicking and screaming inside when I have to do something or even think about something I need to do. And anxiety can get rowdy so I’m being extremely mindful. My fiancé has been having strange symptoms that feel almost like chest pains but they’ve been going on for almost 2 weeks and it’s been a challenge emotionally… All his tests are normal and he’s just been waiting for this damn cardiologist to call him back but finally got freaked out tonight and asked me to drive him to the ER. I’m in the waiting room now (they wouldn’t let me come back.) Just being really, really present. 😳

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I’m doing okay, after the third cut of Klonopin it all sort of caught up with me and the akathisia I experience has been more intense lately. It’s manageable though and I’m going to decrease how much I taper monthly, it’s something I’m figuring out month to month.

It was good hearing from you😊

That sounds like a good plan, just listening to your body and taking it as it comes. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry the akathesia’s intense…I remember vividly how unpleasant that can be from my CT experiences! Never knew how people mastered accepting that. You are a rock star!

December 2, 2021

9 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Just did another cut yesterday and it’s going fine so far but

it’s so, so hard to be motivated to do ANYTHING. I feel like I am just kicking and screaming inside when I have to do something or even think about something I need to do. And anxiety can get rowdy so I’m being extremely mindful.

I completely understand, I’m currently feeling a bit fatigued myself. The only two things I know for sure I’m going to do is meditate and some light exercise, other than that I leave it open. I do try to connect with nature daily but I’m in N.Y and it’s getting cold here so as long as it’s not below 40 I’ll get outside for a bit.

9 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

finally got freaked out tonight and asked me to drive him to the ER. I’m in the waiting room now (they wouldn’t let me come back.) Just being really, really present.

I’m so sorry, is everything okay?

9 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

That sounds like a good plan, just listening to your body and taking it as it comes. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry the akathesia’s intense…I remember vividly how unpleasant that can be from my CT experiences! Never knew how people mastered accepting that. You are a rock star!

Thanks KLP, even though I was tapering 10% it was too fast for my body, especially not being fully healed from a fast taper of Amitriptyline. On top of that right before Thanksgiving I got really sick and I never get sick. At first I attributed it to the w/d but then my husband got the same exact thing, we think it was food poisoning. This is what really taxed my body and brought on the intense akathisia. So I’m slowly learning to listen to my body and slow it way down.

I honestly think I’m as close as I can be to mastering acceptance, I practice it everyday along with letting go. I’ve learned a lot through this journey but I think the one thing I’m most happy about is unconditional self acceptance. I have learned that to accept myself exactly as I am in this moment is the ultimate acceptance and it’s reward is limitless peace. It’s such a hard journey at times, I really understand this, but when you can find the hidden gems it makes it worthwhile. Here’s to all of us finding the gems 💖

December 6, 2021

On 12/2/2021 at 8:06 AM, Mia1 said:

I’m so sorry, is everything okay?

Oh my, I'm sorry--I typed an update on this but now I don't see it anywhere! Yes, he's fine, thankfully. And as I suspected, but I'm glad we went for his peace of mind. All tests are normal. It's a weird series of sensations he's been having but I really think they're stress-related. He's been sticking out a really unpleasant job situation for a long, long time because it lets him work at home (and therefore move to the coast with me) and I think the rage and despair are manifesting in his body. He's going to see a cardiologist to be sure.

On 12/2/2021 at 8:06 AM, Mia1 said:

Thanks KLP, even though I was tapering 10% it was too fast for my body, especially not being fully healed from a fast taper of Amitriptyline. On top of that right before Thanksgiving I got really sick and I never get sick. At first I attributed it to the w/d but then my husband got the same exact thing, we think it was food poisoning. This is what really taxed my body and brought on the intense akathisia. So I’m slowly learning to listen to my body and slow it way down.

Omg I'm so sorry--that's awful anytime, but especially on top of w/d! 😕 Are you feeling better? Yeah it can be so tempting to push through, even if just only slightly. But better to be extra careful. That's interesting the food poisoning worsened the akathisia. Although any illness could intensify any symptoms, since it's all your body trying to recover, right? Hope you're both feeling better.

On 12/2/2021 at 8:06 AM, Mia1 said:

I honestly think I’m as close as I can be to mastering acceptance, I practice it everyday along with letting go. I’ve learned a lot through this journey but I think the one thing I’m most happy about is unconditional self acceptance. I have learned that to accept myself exactly as I am in this moment is the ultimate acceptance and it’s reward is limitless peace. It’s such a hard journey at times, I really understand this, but when you can find the hidden gems it makes it worthwhile. Here’s to all of us finding the gems 💖

Here's to finding the gems, indeed! ❤️ I love this. You're such an inspiration. I experienced some really beautiful acceptance and release earlier when I got really anxious and sad again (been feeling pretty low and neurotically worried a lot, especially the last 5 days or so) and again felt tempted to focus on more uplifting thin😵gs (because that manifestation training that says focus on what you want is really, really in there.) I've been watching Kim D'Eramo's YouTube videos; have you heard of her? She's a mind-body medicine doctor but is also very spiritual. She stresses the importance of signaling acceptance and calm to the body as well as the mind and inspired me to not just focus intently but also really intentionally relaxing my shoulders and jaw when I use mindfulness during the day. And with that additional focus on my body, I was able to really embrace the feelings and hold them. And then they lessened and I felt this energy kind of move through me and go up and out. I've felt more like myself ever since. Still foggy and exhausted but much better!

I'm having some intense anxiety around working during w/d again since I got a new writing client and have another one who's interested in several big copywriting projects 😧😧😧 I feel like I can do the work, and well, but only during super short windows in the morning after I get up--and after that I'm just too spacey and foggy to be creative. Trying not to focus on all that worry. This could be a really good thing, if all goes well. I'm having to really sit with a lot of fear.

I just hope they don't want regular video calls on top of the writing work🤣 If I can just get through this without also having to be "on" in conversation, at least it won't be as painful as it could be

December 16, 2021

Hey all. Really feeling it today. I've been doing pretty well, aside from some anxiety and circular thinking, plus a little bit of breathing OCD (it's so strange how that will go away for weeks or months at a time and then return.) Managing it all with mindfulness.

But this morning, my in-laws-to-be came by and I got extremely triggered and I'm having trouble letting it go. They're very kind, generous people but they can be challenging to be around. Without getting into "political stuff" basically we have some starkly different values and opinions and they can be a little pushy with theirs. I got set off by something his mom said on her way out the door. I held it in until they left of course--I kinda froze and fell speechless. Then all my intense feelings came up and I just felt like I couldn't let it go.

So I ended up fighting with my fiance about it and then I felt hurt because he didn't seem to empathize with how I was hurt. This ticker tape in my head kicks in whenever I'm this emotional, basically saying everything is pointless, I should just give up, etc. etc. I know it's not true and I can let go and I am ok. But damn it feels like a lot.

I'm really grateful to not have a lot of work on my plate at the moment so I can feel my feelings and take care of myself. If I'd had to do a project during this I would've gotten all stressed out about that, I'm sure. So it's all good. But it's been an intense emotional ride. It brought up all my wounds around not being seen, respected, and accepted and I just was like holding on for the ride. Finally calming now. I ate some cookies to do that 😧 Does that count as running from my feelings?? I'm really working not to run from them!

December 18, 2021

On 12/16/2021 at 4:01 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I got set off by something his mom said on her way out the door. I held it in until they left of course--I kinda froze and fell speechless. Then all my intense feelings came up and I just felt like I couldn't let it go.

Funny enough I’m SO triggered by my mother in law, it’s like she can say it’s raining and I’ll want to find a way to show her how she’s wrong, it’s crazy. It took me a while to realize that even though some of these issues are old wounds that need to be healed a lot of this is fueled by neuro emotions. What has helped me with this is the same thing that has helped me with all symptoms of w/d: acknowledge what is happening, accept it and let it go. I still get tangled in it from time to time but it really has helped me so much. Sounds like you’re doing a great job, it’s not always easy to let go, I’ve made it part of my daily practice.

On 12/6/2021 at 6:13 PM, KittenLePurr said:

) I've been watching Kim D'Eramo's YouTube videos; have you heard of her? She's a mind-body medicine doctor

I haven’t heard of her. Right now I’m not watching anyone, I’m getting acquainted with my own inner wisdom and listening in meditation and mindfulness to understand what works best for me. I’ll definitely check her out in the future though, thanks.

On 12/6/2021 at 6:13 PM, KittenLePurr said:

d I think the rage and despair are manifesting in his body. He's going to see a cardiologist to be sure.

This makes sense and I’m glad everything went well at the ER. If it turns out to be stress related he has the most amazing teacher to help him through it. Is he interested in the spiritual work like you?

On 12/6/2021 at 6:13 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Are you feeling better?

Even though I’ve only done three cuts so far it really caught up with me in terms of akathisia. I’m managing it well though and because of it I have been able to see all the areas I have grown, which is pretty cool. I’m not scared, anxious or worried and even when I feel the chemically induced terror I find it passes right through me because I don’t attach to it.

I still have difficult moments and hours but I’m really facing it head on and allowing myself to feel it all and be okay with it, especially the akathisia. This was foreign to me even six months ago, I would find myself wanting to distract or really be caught up in being super present which at that point became the ego too because it was about getting away from something rather than moving towards something.

It was good catching up, are you feeling better? Any plans for the holidays?

Talk soon 💖

January 2, 2022

Oh my goodness, the holidays just flew by! How was your holiday?

On 12/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, Mia1 said:

Funny enough I’m SO triggered by my mother in law, it’s like she can say it’s raining and I’ll want to find a way to show her how she’s wrong, it’s crazy. It took me a while to realize that even though some of these issues are old wounds that need to be healed a lot of this is fueled by neuro emotions. What has helped me with this is the same thing that has helped me with all symptoms of w/d: acknowledge what is happening, accept it and let it go. I still get tangled in it from time to time but it really has helped me so much. Sounds like you’re doing a great job, it’s not always easy to let go, I’ve made it part of my daily practice.

I feel the same way!! I just feel so rebellious or something. And she asserts things like that's the way it is, no if's and's or but's, and anyone who feels differently is out of their minds and she'll laugh at them...and so she's laughing at ME because I feel differently and I know she's WRONG. 😆 I get such an attitude. It's definitely neuro emotions because I didn't used to feel this much defiance and judgement. I took deep breaths and had a good, long talk with my partner about the whole thing (initially an argument but it turned into a share and realization we're on the same team) and let it go. And then we had dinner with them and I remembered that I can actually enjoy their company if I release the judgements and just let them be who they are. And remind myself often that it really doesn't matter what they think...it doesn't have to affect me. We're all on our own journey, aren't we?

On 12/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, Mia1 said:

I haven’t heard of her. Right now I’m not watching anyone, I’m getting acquainted with my own inner wisdom and listening in meditation and mindfulness to understand what works best for me. I’ll definitely check her out in the future though, thanks.

I'm going to post one of her videos in a bit in case anyone finds her as helpful as I have. She really affirms everything we've been talking about here and offers some helpful additional perspective and practices. I've been using her techniques to more deeply drop into my body when things feel intense and it's made it so much easier to be present! Basically it's softening the body and changing your breathing to aid in surrendering and accepting whatever is present. It's funny I got really into her work right now, during a time when I've been really focused on shifting into choice/freedom/creation as opposed to obligation/victimhood. Kinda like the universe nudged me exactly where I was hoping to go.

It's great you're tuning into your inner world and guidance system above all else. That's really all the good teachers are doing anyway--helping us connect to our own best teachers, ourselves.

On 12/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, Mia1 said:

This makes sense and I’m glad everything went well at the ER. If it turns out to be stress related he has the most amazing teacher to help him through it. Is he interested in the spiritual work like you?

I wish he were! I've actually really struggled with the fact that he's not interested in spiritual work like I am. And that's a big reason we almost broke up last year...I felt like I was on this journey over here and he wasn't anywhere near the same path and I wanted a true spiritual partner. I've come to accept that he's where he's at, not where I'm at, and am letting things go the way they're meant to while also gently encouraging him to start exploring his own expansion. He's resistant like I used to be toward meditation but we're doing a course on Insight Timer together and I taught him some breathing techniques. Hoping he feels called to continue them. He's still waiting to see the cardiologist so that may depend on what they say after they do some tests.

On 12/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, Mia1 said:

Even though I’ve only done three cuts so far it really caught up with me in terms of akathisia. I’m managing it well though and because of it I have been able to see all the areas I have grown, which is pretty cool. I’m not scared, anxious or worried and even when I feel the chemically induced terror I find it passes right through me because I don’t attach to it.

I still have difficult moments and hours but I’m really facing it head on and allowing myself to feel it all and be okay with it, especially the akathisia. This was foreign to me even six months ago, I would find myself wanting to distract or really be caught up in being super present which at that point became the ego too because it was about getting away from something rather than moving towards something.

Way to go, not attaching and embracing what's present. I know it's not always easy. I still try to get away sometimes and whenever I remember I don't have to and really connect to the place inside that is always ok, there's such a serenity there. You're doing so great! Akathesia SUCKS and I'm so glad you're navigating it with such grace.

On 12/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, Mia1 said:

It was good catching up, are you feeling better? Any plans for the holidays?

Talk soon 💖

We visited my parents very briefly for Christmas and I barely slept, we got there so late and I was so wired...I was actually terrified all night long that I would be a basketcase from sleep deprivation and our visit would be even more painful than visiting them usually is. But I kept surrendering and when morning came, I was able to be more present with my parents than I think I've ever been in my adult life. There's so much trauma there, and I basically never feel relaxed around them, so this was HUGE. Absolutely huge! I just got present over and over and over and let them be who they are without trying to change it. I was really proud of myself! And for New Year's, I went to bed early and went to the beach and body-surfed on New Year's Day. It was kind of the best holiday season I can remember. 2021 was my best year yet. Not because it was easy. But it was so expansive. Now I've got my biggest copywriting project to date so I'm not going to decrease my dose for another couple of weeks while I get that mostly done. Hoping it's not too painful of a process. How were your holidays?

Good to catch up with you. Hope you're feeling well ❤️

January 2, 2022

Hey all, so I've been on a deep dive of Dr. Kim D'Eramo's free resources and thought I'd share some here in case anyone else finds her as helpful as I have. She's a mind-body medicine doctor whose videos are, to me, extremely encouraging, inspiring, and soothing.

Here's a video about a basic but valuable technique that helps get you centered, detach from thoughts/symptoms and embrace what's going on. Hope this finds you well.

January 21, 2022

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

And then we had dinner with them and I remembered that I can actually enjoy their company if I release the judgements and just let them be who they are.

Yes, indeed. I think that the highest love we can show other people (and ourselves) is letting them be themselves. It can be hard for sure. One thing I have learned is that when I’m triggered by someone it has way more to do with me than it ever will them. I have been working a lot on letting go, letting these feelings come up and pass without acting on them. Let me tell you it’s a practice!! But it really helps with reprogramming those automatic behaviors. Probably similar to what you’re doing. Listening to Michael Singer has helped me a lot with this.

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Oh my goodness, the holidays just flew by! How was your holiday?

Happy New Year!! My holidays were really nice and quiet, thanks for asking.

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

He's resistant like I used to be toward meditation but we're doing a course on Insight Timer together and I taught him some breathing techniques. Hoping he feels called to continue them. He's still waiting to see the cardiologist so that may depend on what they say after they do

That’s great, how’s the meditating going? Everything go okay with the cardiologist?

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Way to go, not attaching and embracing what's present.

Thank you, that’s basically all I’m doing now, accepting the present moment by letting go of my own stuff. It feels really liberating. But I have been holding the Klonopin taper since that last cut because it was just WAY too much on me physically.

How’s your taper going?

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

But I kept surrendering and when morning came, I was able to be more present with my parents than I think I've ever been in my adult life

On 1/2/2022 at 12:05 PM, KittenLePurr said:

was kind of the best holiday season I can remember. 2021 was my best year yet. Not because it was easy. But it was so expansive. Now I've got my

Wow, amazing job!! It sounds like you’re doing really well, you must feel very empowered. Here’s to another good year 🎉

January 21, 2022

16 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Yes, indeed. I think that the highest love we can show other people (and ourselves) is letting them be themselves. It can be hard for sure. One thing I have learned is that when I’m triggered by someone it has way more to do with me than it ever will them. I have been working a lot on letting go, letting these feelings come up and pass without acting on them. Let me tell you it’s a practice!! But it really helps with reprogramming those automatic behaviors. Probably similar to what you’re doing. Listening to Michael Singer has helped me a lot with this.

I love Michael Singer! I feel like he's the uncle I never had because his accent and what I think of as "dad jokes" remind me of my family members from Pennsylvania, but if they were really, really open and inspiring to talk to😆 Not that they were/are "bad" but you know what I mean. Yeah, his talks have helped me a lot, too, in practicing letting go and just letting thing pass through me. Definitely an ongoing practice but what power and peace when I really commit.

16 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Happy New Year!! My holidays were really nice and quiet, thanks for asking.

Happy New Year! I'm glad yours were nice and quiet, too. That's the best kind for me now even though some "little girl" part of me wants excitement. That's been interesting to explore.

16 hours ago, Mia1 said:

That’s great, how’s the meditating going? Everything go okay with the cardiologist?

So he finally did see the cardiologist, thanks, and they did an Ecko but he's still waiting on the results. Everything with the medical system takes so LONG!! All the initiatory tests they did looked normal again, aside from his first blood pressure reading being a little high because he was nervous but that leveled out. He's since had the same discomfort on the other side of his body under his ribs, so he's pretty sure it's not a heart issue he was/is experiencing but more something in a small muscle. I still suspect it's stress-related. And he hasn't been very consistent with meditating, nor have we been consistent with the course we started but we have been doing a lesson here and there. I used to get frustrated when I wanted him to do some growth-oriented or connection-building activity with me and he never was the one to suggest it and we didn't do it regularly but these days I'm way more aware of the ways in which I am inconsistent and really kind of resistant to connection!! I don't know if I've talked about this but I actually tried breaking up with him last year because I was so angry and fed up with him. And it turned out that once we cleared the air and I looked inward, I was the one being closed off. Or we both were, but my opening up and being aware totally changed out relationship dynamic. That was a tangent but I'll leave it😂 Point is we're doing it when it feels right, and he is doing a visualization to go to sleep at night, so he's doing some relaxation practice, which makes me happy. Letting go of trying to get him to do what I think he should do has been a big practice for me, and it continues but I'm better at it. Kinda like that whole "letting people be who they are" thing but also letting people have their own journeys. It's a big lesson.

16 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Thank you, that’s basically all I’m doing now, accepting the present moment by letting go of my own stuff. It feels really liberating. But I have been holding the Klonopin taper since that last cut because it was just WAY too much on me physically.

How’s your taper going?

Sorry to hear the physical symptoms got so intense but good for you for listening to your body. I've been experimenting with changing up the way I do mine and this month, instead of cutting 10% and then waiting 4 weeks, I cut 5% and then, when I felt balanced 2 weeks later, cut another 5%. I did this with the goal of making it easier to work and function, in general, without having to basically do nothing for 4-5 days, and it actually did help. Although a 5% cut still does feel significant (duh, I guess, but I was hoping it wouldn't slow me down, like, at all?!) I'm still sleeping ok enough but it's really the energy drain and feeling like I just can't handle things because I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that's slowing me down...and then I don't want to slow down, so I overdo it. Meaning I rediscovered my love for dancing a few weeks back and started doing short dance workouts in the mornings instead of my usual yoga because it's so fun and energizing but I have to be careful because I've accidentally gone too hard without taking long enough breaks between dance sequences and I got really dizzy, woozy, and even nauseated/had painful indigestion. So my body is clearly telling me to slow down, and I have to remember to really listen and respond accordingly.

I just did my latest 5% cut on Sunday and am starting to balance out now but am still pretty zapped. And the brain fog is almost as bad as with a 10% cut, but not quite as disruptive. Just trying not to worry about how I'll keep tapering once I have more work. I've had small projects still and actually sold my first big project (writing a whole website from scratch--big deal!) but nothing totally consistent. The website client is super lax, though, so there isn't a ton of pressure to get it done right away. So I'm doing the work in small bits when I feel like I can. So not too bad. Letting the money-stress thoughts come and go without attaching is a practice still.

16 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Wow, amazing job!! It sounds like you’re doing really well, you must feel very empowered. Here’s to another good year 🎉

Another good year, indeed! ❤️ I think for those of us focused on healing and growth, it'll be challenging but extremely expansive. It'll be a big year of awakening for many people. That's for sure. Thank you for your support. How are you feeling today?

January 21, 2022

In other news, I've had chronic nasal congestion for years and while I was in my addiction and poor health, I used OTC steroid nasal spray heavily and got super addicted to it...and then I had my health awakening and tried to quit and switch to a neti pot and discovered I couldn't get fluid through there because it had a blockage. I've been resisting doing anything about that for the last few years but finally made an appointment with an ENT in the nearest city and am looking into a procedure to open my sinuses up. I'm excited by the idea of being able to breathe without OTC drugs (not to mention, without pain...spraying burns now and I'm like fighting with my nose every night--it's kinda horrible) and really, really nervous to engage with the medical system. I don't trust doctors at all and am terrified something will go horribly wrong!! Really focusing on staying in a state of peace and trusting that I'll be ok no matter what but any good intentions y'all can send would be much, much appreciated! My consult is on Thursday. Hoping the procedure is soon after and goes smoothly. Eeeeeekkk.

January 24, 2022

Oh man, I'm in a tough wave...I've been getting really good at acceptance and the last few days have put my skills to the test. And at times I've felt like I'm failing because I couldn't possible handle it let alone accept it😖

I feel so deeply unsafe. I already felt rattled, unsafe, and low Saturday and Sunday morning, and then yesterday a couple things happened that brought up intense neuro emotions and I'm still in a funk. I did a lot of deep breathing and welcoming the painful emotions. It's still been really unpleasant. I have noisy upstairs neighbors now, after living in such lovely quiet for 8 months now, and another neighbor seemingly out of the blue approached my partner and me while we were walking our dog on the other side of our apartment complex and got really nasty, accusing us of peering into his and his nextdoor neighbor's windows when we walk over there. Which is, of course, not true at all, but he was clearly convinced and the confrontation made my heart start racing and I really spiraled afterward. I know that's really about him and not us but man, it hit me hard. I'm having trouble with paranoid thoughts that he's going to mess with us because my partner's attitude is "I'm a paying tenant here, too; I can walk wherever I want," and I'm having thoughts like "What if he finds out what unit we're in and messes with us? What if he messes with our cars? What if this becomes a whole thing?" I'm grieving the loss of feeling like I finally found a near-perfect home where I felt comfortable, welcome, and at peace for the first time in my life...because suddenly I don't feel safe or welcome. And yet I know if anything happens, my partner will protect me or you know law enforcement or whatever. See? I'm still spiraling. I'm using my mindfulness but it feels exhausting to have to be so on top of it. I know they're just thoughts and they can't hurt me but I'm really struggling the past 24 hours. Pardon my venting.

Maybe more than anything, I'm upset about the paranoid anxiety. So I know I'm resisting it. Just struggling to let it be here without buying in. Really can't wait for my next window.

January 25, 2022

17 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've felt like I'm failing because I couldn't possible handle it let alone accept it😖

I’m sorry you’re in a wave, this journey can feel long and difficult at times. As long as you’re doing the work you can’t fail, that’s a limitation of the mind. This is the practice, transcending those limits so that you can be in that perfect state of peace and calm no matter what is happening, you can always be your true self without getting hijacked by the story of the mind. It’s a practice and a challenge, especially in w/d. I’m still very much identified with my mind so I recognize that judging how I’m doing is ego based and I let it go, I allow myself to have whatever experience is coming up in the moment. My mantra in the most difficult times is do your best and accept the rest.

17 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

really spiraled afterward. I know that's really about him and not us but man, it hit me hard. I'm having trouble with paranoid thoughts that he's going to mess with us because my partner's attitude is "I'm a paying tenant here, too; I can walk wherever I want," and I'm having thoughts like "What if he finds out what unit we're in and messes with us?

That sounds unpleasant to say the least, I agree that it’s best you avoid someone like that. I’ve had those paranoid thoughts too and yes, even though they’re just thoughts it feels scary and real and difficult at first to let go. Let me share an experience I had just a couple months ago.

After the third Klonopin cut I was in acute w/d and started to get these paranoid thoughts about my safety, I felt that our house wasn’t secure enough and that someone would break in and cause me harm. The first time I had this thought I was in meditation and it felt so real I was jolted out of it.

Instead of accepting the thoughts I entertained them and actually upgraded our security system. You would laugh if you saw where I lived, it’s such a safe place. I’m laughing now, it seems so unreal. But the mind whispering anything can happen, it’s hard not to listen.

Despite the upgrade I’m still having the thoughts I’m not safe and I realize that I’m trying to control something I can’t because of the intensity of the w/d. I can’t control anything but the way that I act or react so next time the thoughts came I reminded myself of this and let the thoughts go. I simply stopped following them and let them play out on their own.

It’s like an addiction, it’s strong at first but the more you ignore it the less strong it becomes until one day you realize you’re not even thinking about it anymore. This is my suggestion to you, take the necessary measures to make sure you’re safe and then let the rest go.

17 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Maybe more than anything, I'm upset about the paranoid anxiety. So I know I'm resisting it. Just struggling to let it be here without buying in. Really can't wait for my next window

I’m going to make a suggestion that may seem crazy to you at first, stop waiting for the windows. It’s resistance to the present moment and is ego based. It’s just an experience until you start attaching conditions onto it. You can always feel peace no matter what is happening, you have to let go of expectations and outcome.

If you can embrace the experience you are having now and use it as a guide then you can transcend the experience. If you keep practicing being present with whatever is happening with gratitude then it becomes easier to let go. I shared recently with another member a Viktor Frankl quote that I love and illustrates this, it goes something like suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it has found a meaning.

To the best of your ability keep welcoming the experience and really feel it. Find all the ways it’s teaching you to grow and become your best self. It’s not going to be around forever so while it’s there find the reasons to be grateful for it. This is how I found the way out of suffering.

You’ve got this KLP, I really believe the universe always gives us the experience we need. Vent anytime, I’m here for you 💖

January 26, 2022

5 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I’m sorry you’re in a wave, this journey can feel long and difficult at times. As long as you’re doing the work you can’t fail, that’s a limitation of the mind. This is the practice, transcending those limits so that you can be in that perfect state of peace and calm no matter what is happening, you can always be your true self without getting hijacked by the story of the mind. It’s a practice and a challenge, especially in w/d. I’m still very much identified with my mind so I recognize that judging how I’m doing is ego based and I let it go, I allow myself to have whatever experience is coming up in the moment. My mantra in the most difficult times is do your best and accept the rest.

I’m going to make a suggestion that may seem crazy to you at first, stop waiting for the windows. It’s resistance to the present moment and is ego based. It’s just an experience until you start attaching conditions onto it. You can always feel peace no matter what is happening, you have to let go of expectations and outcome.

If you can embrace the experience you are having now and use it as a guide then you can transcend the experience. If you keep practicing being present with whatever is happening with gratitude then it becomes easier to let go. I shared recently with another member a Viktor Frankl quote that I love and illustrates this, it goes something like suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it has found a meaning.

To the best of your ability keep welcoming the experience and really feel it. Find all the ways it’s teaching you to grow and become your best self. It’s not going to be around forever so while it’s there find the reasons to be grateful for it. This is how I found the way out of suffering.

Thank you so much for this response, @Mia1. I can't tell you how grateful I am. So there is another thing going on that has me really anxious and ruminating and it's that something went wrong with a urine test my methadone clinic did last month, and they're accusing me of not taking my meds as prescribed (and presumably selling them?) They retested the urine sample but charged me a $25 fee and got the same results (no methadone present) which makes me think their lab must've mixed up my sample with someone else's which reflects really poorly on the lab and them, but anyways...!

I spent this morning being very angry and struggling not to shake violently all throughout my body. I didn't exactly raise my voice to the nurses at the clinic but I was upset and felt extremely frustrated that these people were all but making hard accusations and now I'm in a position of having to prove my innocence despite doing nothing to call that into question. The thoughts are intense, spiraling, and filled with rage, and then I felt guilty and embarrassed for not totally being calm. I apologized for coming in hot and they were super nice and understanding but I'm still like "This is not ok!!" and having been really paranoid and on edge the last few days, it felt that much more intense and tender and exhausting.

On the way home, after I did some therapeutic screaming and moaning to get the angry energy out, I questioned why this was all happening and vented to an old friend and she reminded me of exactly what you said, which I had said to her on a previous occasion: the universe gives us the experiences we need. Things happen in our lives to show us what we're ready to heal. So as much as I'm perturbed about having to jump through these stupid hoops and feel paranoid and uncomfortable, I'm being shown where I'm ready to release old junk I've been holding onto. And through that lens, every painful experience absolutely means something, and suffering ends where meaning begins. 100% of the time. Doesn't mean it's fun necessarily but it is tolerable. There is a deep OKness in that, isn't there? I'm going to do some journaling on feeling stuck, controlled, accused, dependent, like no one believes me, etc. It's super old wounds coming up to come out. I really believe that and yet I get sucked into the pain of it.

5 hours ago, Mia1 said:

That sounds unpleasant to say the least, I agree that it’s best you avoid someone like that. I’ve had those paranoid thoughts too and yes, even though they’re just thoughts it feels scary and real and difficult at first to let go. Let me share an experience I had just a couple months ago.

After the third Klonopin cut I was in acute w/d and started to get these paranoid thoughts about my safety, I felt that our house wasn’t secure enough and that someone would break in and cause me harm. The first time I had this thought I was in meditation and it felt so real I was jolted out of it.

Instead of accepting the thoughts I entertained them and actually upgraded our security system. You would laugh if you saw where I lived, it’s such a safe place. I’m laughing now, it seems so unreal. But the mind whispering anything can happen, it’s hard not to listen.

Despite the upgrade I’m still having the thoughts I’m not safe and I realize that I’m trying to control something I can’t because of the intensity of the w/d. I can’t control anything but the way that I act or react so next time the thoughts came I reminded myself of this and let the thoughts go. I simply stopped following them and let them play out on their own.

Can I just say, that actually makes me feel good. I mean, feeling safe in your own home is like #1, right? And when it's that big of a thing, getting a baseline and then working with letting go makes sense to me. So maybe just because I'll do something similar. I am staying away from that guy's apartment and I'm going to get some pepper spray just to feel more protected. I was doing my grounding yesterday and kept hearing weird chopping noises and got so freaked out, I had to run inside...and usually, grounding soothes me completely, so that told me something was definitely going on. Weird sounds really got to me. I've never experienced this (outside of when I was doing a lot of meth back in the day.😬 Ha glad I'm not that person anymore...that sh*t is scary.)

5 hours ago, Mia1 said:

It’s like an addiction, it’s strong at first but the more you ignore it the less strong it becomes until one day you realize you’re not even thinking about it anymore. This is my suggestion to you, take the necessary measures to make sure you’re safe and then let the rest go.

You’ve got this KLP, I really believe the universe always gives us the experience we need. Vent anytime, I’m here for you 💖

Thanks so much for this really soothing, validating response. I've felt better today, even despite the whole thing with the methadone clinic. Partly because I took CBD. Forgot how much that stuff helps! But I often don't want to take it because I just don't think of it or I just don't want to, maybe because deep down I know I can handle it? Then sometimes I'm like, if I have something that helps and it's not unhealthy, why not just take it?? But I dunno. Still getting bothered by some sounds and sudden thoughts that I might be in danger today but not to the same extent.

Oh and about waiting for windows...totally. You're so right and I've recommitted to embracing the now today. Even if it's scary. ❤️ Onward

January 26, 2022

53 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I spent this morning being very angry

You might find this topic helpful:

dealing-with-emotional-spirals

January 26, 2022

14 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

You might find this topic helpful:

dealing-with-emotional-spirals

Omg YES--this is extremely helpful and describes exactly what happened with my neighbor nastily accusing us of looking in his windows! I spiraled quickly, exploded into tears and paranoia, and was exhausted, depressed and numb for 24 hours...and then the clinic thing set me over the edge. Or I guess the trigger was the neighbor/my alarmed, shocked, defensive and hurt/angry reaction to my neighbor, the escalation was the spinning out over how messed up that was and how he could hurt us/me, and the explosion was the freakout/tears/continuation of paranoid thinking. And then I was exhausted and drained, which made the clinic BS set off another spiral. Thank you, @ChessieCat.

To an extent I feel like I've always done this, not just these days in w/d...although most of my life I was jumping around between meds, on meds, or off meds in my "mental illness" so maybe that's not surprising.

January 26, 2022

I think the only thing for me with this is sometimes if I'm trying so hard not to think about something, it seems to get louder and louder to get my attention and then it builds and I feel even more tortured by it. I wonder if anyone else has experienced that? The other night I started ruminating on my clinic situation (it was before yesterday's upsetting confrontation happened and before the thing with my neighbor, but I already knew my clinic messed up my urine test and my case manager had already insinuated that they weren't sure whether I was taking my meds as directed, and I was fearfully and angrily awaiting the results of a retest...which now, having spoken to a scientist friend, I know that if a sample is not preserved properly, it's not going to give you good results, so in hindsight, I should've demanded a fresh urine test immediately but nvm, here I go on a spiral again!🥴) and thinking of how infuriating it was to be accused of misusing my meds, and it felt like the more I said, "Not now" and pushed the thoughts and feelings away, the stronger the fear and fury came back each time. Finally, I said, "Ok, I hear you! I hear you, anger...I welcome this anger and I welcome these fearful thoughts" and the intensity of the emotions lessened. But that's not to say it didn't come back even stronger because I obviously had an even more intense experience yesterday and got extremely angry and that's not to say it worked while I was at the clinic yesterday, being confronted and feeling accused, controlled, trapped, etc.

I really have trouble with anger...when I was little, it was ok to be sad but not ok to be angry, and I felt like I couldn't ever say my piece or get what I wanted so I developed a habit of repressing anger, people-pleasing and hiding my truth. So when I get confronted, I get really scared and angry like I'm trapped and silenced all over again, and my heart starts racing and I shake all over and I revert right to tears. I think I may need a therapist to help me deal with all the repressed rage I have... It often feels like I need to do something with it and can't, and that's a whole spiral in and of itself because it's like this frantic, "I'm so angry and what do I do with it?!? THERE'S NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!" and I get overwhelmed by the fury about not being able to do anything with it, too. I probably said this already but I did do some therapeutic screaming on the drive home yesterday, ha🤣 And that did help alleviate it. But I keep going back to how stupid it is that I'm having to prove my innocence and I'm going to practice defusing and changing the channel. And I'm going to visualize my next confrontation with my clinic case manager because I definitely don't want to blow up if she comes back and says my urine tested negative for methadone again. UGH. I may have to go in front of the board of the company who owns it and defend myself, too, so i need to be prepared and calm for that.

January 26, 2022

@KittenLePurr

It's crazy how out of control we can get. You are doing a great job recognizing it and trying to learn how to manage. looking at the emotions straight in the eye and feeling them, observing them without getting tangled up in them......

Therapy is good it you have a good one and you can connect....I have one.

Have you ever looked into CBT. Our thoughts control so much how we feel. We can have negative and/or positive self talk daily.

here are the 10 common cognitive distorted thoughts

1- All or Nothing Thinking

You see things in a black or white categories. If you performance falls short of perfection, you see yourself as a total failure.

2- Over Generalization

You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat

3-Mental Filter

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.

4- Disqualifying the Positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences

5- Jumping to Conclusions

You make a negative interpretation even though there are o definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

a. mind reading. You arbitrary conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and your don't bother to check

this out.

b. The fortune teller error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is already- established fact.

6- Magnification (catastrophizing) or Minimization

You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriate Shinks things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called "the binocular trick”.

7- Emotional Reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true".

8- Should Statements

You try to motivate yourself with should's and shouldn't as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration and resentment.

9- Labeling and Mislabeling

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: " I'm a loser" When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a louse".

Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10- Personalization

You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

I think anger is a outlet for fear.......Your fear comes from your childhood trauma and low self esteem....We feel threatened and weak and so the anger feels like it gives you power. Do you usually get angry when you feel threatened or scared? Okay that's my psych-o-babble. I could be way of base, but I get angry easily when I feel threatened which usually is because I feel unworthy, less then the other person, scared and/or have no control over something.

Hang in there KLP❤️

January 27, 2022

21 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

if I'm trying so hard not to think about something, it seems to get louder and louder to get my attention and then it builds and I feel even more tortured by it.

Yes, trying not to think about something is resistance and it will definitely create a lot of pressure. It’s like if someone told you not to think about pink elephants, likely that’s all you would think about.

Instead, invite all feelings in by letting them come up. If you don’t feed into it by engaging your thoughts in a dialogue or acting on them they will naturally pass through on their own. So in the case of your intense anger there’s actually nothing you need to do except let it in and observe it objectively. The pull is going to be wanting to identify with that anger, all the reasons why it’s right. If you give it space and realize it’s just a feeling the most intense anger will pass quickly. It’s our interference that allows it to grow stronger and stay longer.

It’s a process and a practice and at first it doesn’t feel easy because we identify so much with these feelings and emotions. It feels difficult and even unfair to let go, like you’re betraying yourself or not addressing something important. It’s simply not true, you use the emotion or feeling as a guide and then once you take the appropriate step to take care of it you must let it go. This is self love. These low level emotions can be great guides but they’re not meant to be our companions.

Therapy can be helpful if you find the right therapist but ultimately all the techniques you learn will come back to this lesson of letting go. Why does therapeutic screaming feel good? Because you allow the anger to be there, you’re engaged with the feelings and not the thoughts. I’m going to attach a Michael Singer video that helps explain this really well.

I feel for you, it’s not easy dealing with these situations in the best of circumstances. I have a lot of neuro anger myself with the akathisia and the physical pull feels so strong and uncomfortable at times. I also have those looping thoughts. And being someone who also has a history of addiction issues I know how infuriating this must have felt.

I actually feel the universe is validating you and your feelings by giving you this experience. Remember, everything happens for us. Try to be especially kind to yourself and allow yourself to not be perfect with this. It can be a really hard journey at times. It’s okay and you are definitely going to be okay 💖🙏

January 27, 2022

5 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I feel for you, it’s not easy dealing with these situations in the best of circumstances. I have a lot of neuro anger myself with the akathisia and the physical pull feels so strong and uncomfortable at times. I also have those looping thoughts. And being someone who also has a history of addiction issues I know how infuriating this must have felt.

100%. Akathisia is particularly challenging as I recall because I remember it being this overwhelming "OMG I'M GONNA EXPLODE OUT OF MY SKINNN!!!" feeling--just God-awful. Ooof I get chills just thinking about those times.😱 So I'm incredibly inspired by your ability to let things go while experiencing that!! Totally a practice, not perfection, but that is major. ❤️

Thanks for this; yes I loved the Michael Singer podcast and have been meaning to review it! What perfect timing.

5 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I actually feel the universe is validating you and your feelings by giving you this experience. Remember, everything happens for us. Try to be especially kind to yourself and allow yourself to not be perfect with this. It can be a really hard journey at times. It’s okay and you are definitely going to be okay 💖🙏

Totally, it's both mirroring my past hurts and showing me where to look to move forward, what rocks to turn over.

I did a big thing this morning and went to see an ENT about my chronic sinus congestion. I've used Afrin for years because nothing else clears my daily stuffy nose and the situation's gotten way, way worse. I've had a lot of fear and "stuck" feelings about it and tried everything including a neti pot, which I can't use because my sinuses won't drain. He said what I expected him to, that I need surgery. It's called a Balloon Sinuplasty. It sounds really cringey but is minimally invasive and apparently pretty standardized at this point. They'll knock me out but it's an outpatient procedure.

I am terrified, partly because I have so much "trauma" and mistrust around Western medicine and partly because well, it's a surgery and there are so many things that could go wrong!! I scheduled the procedure for next month and then on the way home, promptly remembered all the horror stories I've heard about people waking up during surgery because the anesthesia didn't work so they felt everything but couldn't speak up or move😱😖😭and I went "Oh no, what if that happens to me?!?!" So many opportunities to get pulled into a spiral.

So that's what I'm practicing letting go of today, the anxiety spiral. Because it does feel like a physical pull, pulling me toward the worry and panic. I hate the idea of surgery and taking antibiotics and yet I really want to do it and know I need to face my fear. As long as the procedure goes well (it's actually 2 separate balloon sinuplasties; one for my sinus cavaties and one to straighten out my deviated septum😮) I'll be free of toxic chemical nose sprays for good, after literally a life-long battle of trying not to rely on them and trying to breathe easily. So this is a good thing. I may keep my dose the same between now and then to reduce the risk of elevated anxiety spirals but we'll see how I feel.

All in all, I'm feeling much less paranoid and emotional today. Aside from the pull toward anxiety.

January 27, 2022

To prepare for surgery, I should do the same practices of letting worried thoughts come and go, right? I'm thinking a visualization of a smooth procedure and recovery couldn't hurt, as well.

January 27, 2022

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr

Have you ever looked into CBT. Our thoughts control so much how we feel. We can have negative and/or positive self talk daily.

here are the 10 common cognitive distorted thoughts

Wow these really hit home. Especially

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

2- Over Generalization

You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat

and

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

4- Disqualifying the Positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences

and

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

5- Jumping to Conclusions

        You make a negative interpretation even though there are o definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

               a. mind reading. You arbitrary conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and your don't bother to check

                        this out.

               b. The fortune teller error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your   prediction is already- established fact.
8- Should Statements

        You try to motivate yourself with should's and shouldn't as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration and resentment.

And they're all rooted in childhood trauma and feeling threatened, I think which ties into:

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

I think anger is a outlet for fear.......Your fear comes from your childhood trauma and low self esteem....We feel threatened and weak and so the anger feels like it gives you power. Do you usually get angry when you feel threatened or scared? Okay that's my psych-o-babble. I could be way of base, but I get angry easily when I feel threatened which usually is because I feel unworthy, less then the other person, scared and/or have no control over something.

Yes!! Absolutely my anger is tied to feeling threatened. I haate feeling weak!! It makes me irate. And that stems back to being a little kid and feeling like I could never get the upper hand or get the attention I wanted. My older sister always got it and my mom was too irritable and anxious to be reasoned with. (Poor Mom...she still struggles with that.) I feel I have no control often, something I manifest in all kinds of situations in every area of my life because of my deep belief that "I'm trapped," but I really thought that when I moved out of the nightmare living situation I was in before my current home, I had changed the channel on that...haha it goes a little deeper than making 1 (big, but still only 1) empowered decision. Lots to look at here.

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

Hang in there KLP❤️

Thank you for your support, @Greatfuland this insightful share. ❤️ It's interesting how obsessive, ruminating thoughts really piggyback on these feelings of being threatened/powerless and my habits of over-generalization, disqualifying the positive and jumping to conclusions. I'm going to look more into CBT

On 1/26/2022 at 12:08 PM, Greatful said:

February 2, 2022

Man, I'm angry today. About alll the things. And I'm having some derealization, which I haven't had for a while now, so that's interesting. It only bothered/scared me for a second and I remembered it's just a thing that happens and I'm fine, and I was ok with it.

I'm doing a really good job of allowing the anger and not getting on the Thought Spiral Train. But it's been intense. I woke up feeling pretty good all-around. Then I got an email saying I've been banned from my invoicing software based on a total lie (they said it's because I explicitly target companies in the cannabis industry, but I don't and have never worked in that niche, so it's nonsense...and when I responded, saying that and asking for an explanation, I got a non-explanation with more nonsense) and then got an annoying email from a writing client asking to schedule a Zoom call after she'd stood me up 3 times already. And of course I hate getting on calls, so that's upsetting anyway, but I'm also feeling like she doesn't respect my time so I just want to keep emailing. Why do we have to talk?! I feel like I have to say yes, anyway. I hate feeling like I have to say yes. Do I, though? Have to say yes?

And this is on top of, despite how it may sound, having zero work projects coming up...so I guess despite feeling pretty good this morning, I was already stressing about not having work underneath, and this stuff just tipped me over the edge. Or, rather, my reaction to the things pushed me over.

I just noticed a pattern in it, too. I feel like I'm being punished for things I didn't do. By the clinic and by the invoicing company. By the way, there are lots of other invoicing options and this one was free, so it's not the end of the world. But it's alarming because it's out of nowhere, and I have a suspicion it's because they saw Kelly Brogan's name on some of my payments (I do some freelance work for her company) and she's like a public enemy these days. So I'm like, is this just going to keep happening, and is this the reason my prospects aren't responding to my emails?? And that makes me even angrier! Not getting attached. It's just a thought. I'm bigger than this.

I thought I'd dealt with my victimhood beliefs. Apparently I have more work to do! Thanks for reading. All in all, I'm fine. Just shaky and extremely grumpy.

February 11, 2022

Hi KLP I’m taking an indefinite break from this site but wanted you to know that you totally have this. Keep doing the work and trusting that the universe is always working with you. I’ve enjoyed our chats, take good care of yourself 💖

February 13, 2022

On 2/11/2022 at 1:29 PM, Mia1 said:

Hi KLP I’m taking an indefinite break from this site but wanted you to know that you totally have this. Keep doing the work and trusting that the universe is always working with you. I’ve enjoyed our chats, take good care of yourself 💖

Not sure if you'll see this if you're already taking a break but thank you so much for the support and wisdom you've shared with me here, @Mia1. Our chats have been truly invaluable and I would not be half as calm as I am today if not for your help!! Blessings and infinite gratitude to you ❤️

February 13, 2022

Checking in, everyone. I'm doing well, considering that I've had extreme anxiety and intrusive thoughts, especially the past several days since scheduling the sinus procedure my ENT recommended (after refusing to see a Western medical doctor for years but finally caving because I haven't been able to breathe out of my nose without the use of a steroid nasal spray for over a decade and not being able to switch to sinus rinsing because I couldn't get the liquid to drain) and him saying I need to stop taking all my "herbal supplements" 1 week prior. Thanks for reading as I process this. Not expecting anyone to have an answer for me but I'm just kinda needing to get this out...

Apparently magnesium, ashwagandha, fish oil, and GABA (basically all the supplements I take that help tremendously with my withdrawal symptoms) can all either thin the blood or increase the effects of anesthesia by suppressing the nervous system too much, so they're contraindicated for even an outpatient, minimally invasive surgery like the one I'm getting, a balloon sinuplasty. So I'm terrified I'm either going to:

a) ignore his advice, keep taking my supplements to stay calm/stay centered/keep sleeping, and stop breathing and die during the procedure, or

b) take his advice, stop taking my supplements 1 week prior to surgery, and become such a trainwreck, I'll have a panic attack on the way to his office and either be unable to get the surgery or have to postpone it and repeat the experience all over again.

Some of this may be irrational but some is rooted in possibility. I mean, we don't know what's going to happen. So I'm trying to stay calm and repeatedly detaching from all of my catastrophizing, anxious thoughts, but also trying to decide what to do. He's likely being overly cautious but there are also some legit risks. The anxiety has been pretty disruptive. I've been doing meditation specifically for pre-surgery fear, and it does help to at least quell the anxiety attacks. And I've paused my Celexa taper, although I cut 1.5% last week just to make a tiny bit of progress, so while I'm not feeling overwhelmed by symptoms, my anxiety is higher than when I'm at my "w/d normal."

I'm not sure what will happen if I stop my supplements but I've stopped them 1 at a time in the past, and it definitely was really not fun. Got really, really anxious and had just constant intrusive thoughts so I had trouble functioning normally. So there's a lot of fear of that. Fear of fear, really. Fear of fear and discomfort.

I don't like engaging with the medical system and don't trust medical professionals, so this is a super conflicting situation to be in. Trying to just trust that whatever happens, I will be ok. But is that always true? What about when people die? Our souls are eternal but that would mean everything is not ok in this plane of existence. Kinda confronting my fear of death here...thanks again for reading.

February 19, 2022

@KittenLePurr Oh boy you are in a spot.....My heart goes out to you. I wish I had a magic wand and we could all be healthy people with a brain that works lol. It sounds like you handling it pretty well. The anxiety and intrusive thoughts are not fun but you have the tools to work with it.

Life is full of curve balls. Then when we are in WD trying to heal from these drugs well that makes the curves balls a little bit more harder to deal with.......❤️

March 22, 2022

@KittenLePurr Stopping by to see how you are doing♥️

April 26, 2022

How are you doing? Been thinking about you.

April 26, 2022

Hi @Mia1 and @Greatful--omgosh where does the time go? I've been writing you both in my head for weeks now and just haven't actually logged in for some reason. Way too masculine in my focus on productivity lately.

That said, I'm doing well. I paused my Celexa taper to level out and prepare to taper methadone...the clinic pissed me off again about 3 weeks ago and I felt an undeniable urge to get them the heck out of my life and decided to go for it. They didn't mess up a UA again but they called me in randomly to count my meds and I was like "I'm done being treated like a prisoner. Let's do this." Feeling mostly empowered but also a bit on edge and irritated. Because of the wafer pills they use, they'll only do a 5mg drop at a time, so I'm stepping down 1mg each week between my visits there. So I'm only about a week in and maybe can't say exactly how it's going yet but even in my irritability, I'm feeling pretty strong. Doing a lot of reading and listening to empowering things and observing my thoughts, bodily sensations, etc. And if it does get too hard down the line, I'm considering other options like my old clinic or maybe even trying to see a doc to switch me to an alternative from which I could taper off more gently...one thing at a time. Taking it day by day.

@Mia1 I've read some of your recent shares and am glad to hear your job gives you such freedom How are you finding it? Are you taking on a fair amount of work?

@Greatfulhow are you doing? I'm sorry you've been having dental issues...the more I read about psych med withdrawal the stranger the symptoms I discover it causes and the more I want off of them for good. Honestly when I decided to switch to tapering methadone I was kind of crushed because I really, really cannot wait to get my brain back from Celexa and that has felt like the #1 priority. If not for the clinic being such a pain and my needing to go so incredibly slow with Celexa decreases anyway, I'd still prioritize that.

KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

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