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Polkadot: I feel like I’ve ruined my brain and body and have no idea what to do


Polkadot

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Altostrata
On 5/2/2021 at 5:57 PM, Altostrata said:

I see you have a long history with alprazolam. I don't know what you're going to do about your potential alprazolam dependency. If you feel you have to continue it, you'll need to get a continuing prescription from your doctor. It would be best to take the alprazolam at the same time each day, instead of the haphazard way you have been taking your drugs. If you can't get another prescription, you'll have to go off by gradually reducing what you have and enduring the withdrawal symptoms, if any.

 

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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On 5/5/2021 at 9:57 AM, Altostrata said:

 

I'm sorry, I simply cannot keep repeating myself. If you want to take Paxil again, please go ahead.

 

What are your thoughts on 1mg escitalopram? I took citalopram 10mg on 2/5 stupidly but I obviously reacted and with my cardiac issues I can’t take it. 
 

is changing again a big risk? I’m in pure hell I just want something to work 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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Hi Polkadot,


You might not know that escitalopram is much stronger that citalopram.  People have problems with it.  It’s harder to quit, too.  I don’t think any of the Mods would recommend that to replace Paxil.

 

Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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13 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

You might not know that escitalopram is much stronger that citalopram.  People have problems with it.  It’s harder to quit, too.  I don’t think any of the Mods would recommend that to replace Paxil.

Thanks for letting me know. 
 

I have no idea what to do. My window to reinstate is closing and I’m so sick physically and mentally I can’t function at all. 
 

part of me wants to reinstate Paxil. It’s confusing reading that a few years ago that was recommended to many people but now it’s not. 
 

I’m scared of serotonin syndrome, too, because I took the celexa only a few days ago. 
 

I just want to go back to the way I was. Honestly, I’d live with the severe chronic fatigue if it meant I was okay otherwise again. 
 

im so lost. 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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Taking Paxil every few days is unusual.  It is very hard on the nervous system.  People compare it to playing basketball with the brain.  Doctors often tell people to skip a day, one on, one off, to taper.  It can cause quite a mess.  I suspect that the Mods feel that your system is very sensitive to Paxil, and the incident with the heart issue is very concerning.  I would be afraid to take it again.

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Besides, Paxil is proving to be a very nasty drug.  Horribly addictive.  

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to post
37 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

Taking Paxil every few days is unusual.  It is very hard on the nervous system.  People compare it to playing basketball with the brain.  Doctors often tell people to skip a day, one on, one off, to taper.  It can cause quite a mess.  I suspect that the Mods feel that your system is very sensitive to Paxil, and the incident with the heart issue is very concerning.  I would be afraid to take it again.

 

I think I’m just longing for some feeling of how I used to be before this ordeal. Going on the Paxil full time for a few weeks brought about the heart trouble and sexual dysfunction, but when taking it intermittently my sexual function was okay. It was never great, I started these drugs so damn young I wouldn’t know what damage they’ve done to a full extent.

 

im so emotionally numb and in physically pain and so sick. I need to make a decision fast about what to do. I’m scared I’ll have pssd and adhedonia no matter what I do. 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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I could really use some wisdom from anyone right now. 
 

I am so severely sick. I haven’t slept more than 1 hour every few days for the past 9 days. I am filled with pure terror at all times. My heart rate gets to 140 and beats out of my chest. I am in so much pain all over my body that I writhe and moan for hours. I can’t calm down this intense panic when it comes. I am constantly wet all over with sweat, my hand is numb and weak, I am numb and depersonalised and so physically weak I honestly believe I’m going to die very soon. 
 

what do I do? 
 

im scared of the cardiac complications of Celexa but I’m also scared of going back on Paxil. Because I took Celexa 10mg 2/5 it would still be in my system. I had a bad reaction but it’s hard to tell what’s wd and what’s a reaction at this point. 
 

I need help, please. 
 

what if re instatement doesn’t work? I don’t want to die but I fear that’s what’s going to happen, my body is so weak.

 

please help me 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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I’m so upset. I see people going about their happy lives and I am stuck in a slow and torturous decline towards death. This is absolute agony. I am 23. I should be out with my friends enjoying my life but instead I have had a life of hardship and now this. 
 

It’s so unfair.

I don’t want to die. I want to go back to how I was a few months ago before all of this. I want a miracle 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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Polkdot,
 

I know what you are feeling because I have been there.  I did not reinstate, but I am alive and happy, and I’m healthy.  Now, I have many annoying problems that my brain is still repairing, but I have not had the terror  in many years.  In fact, the terror part lasted only a few weeks for me.  The terror part did not come about until about 3-4 months after I quit the AD.  It’s different for everyone.  You are having it now, but your body has an amazing ability to fix itself.  Your system will calm down if you leave it alone.  
 

Of course you feel this is unfair.  Only you can be fair to yourself now, and give yourself a chance to heal.  It will happen.  I thought I would die, too.  I didn’t, and you won’t.  That is a thought that comes into your mind because your brain thinks there is a danger you should run away from.  It’s a malfunction of the fight or flight response brought on because your nervous system is destabilized.  The thoughts are not due to a real danger, but it feels very real.


I went through a lot, and I don’t regret it.  I know now that the terror feeling was completely artificial.  I was never in danger.  It’s hard to live through, but you can, and you will be perfectly normal and relaxed again just as I am.  I doubt it will take you as long either if you can avoid taking doses of things that are too high for you.  
 

You may want to determine when your last dose of alprazolam was.  Do you remember the last day of the 10 day course?  I don’t think you put the dates in your posts.  Also, when is that last day you took your last two alprazolam pills — the ones you still had left over?
 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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40 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Of course you feel this is unfair.  Only you can be fair to yourself now, and give yourself a chance to heal.  It will happen.  I thought I would die, too.  I didn’t, and you won’t.  That is a thought that comes into your mind because your brain thinks there is a danger you should run away from.  It’s a malfunction of the fight or flight response brought on because your nervous system is destabilized.  The thoughts are not due to a real danger, but it feels very real.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am in genuine danger as I haven’t slept in 9 days and I’m physically very sick, developed at least one infection maybe also a uti. I’ll need antibiotics which I know are destabilising, which terrifies me. 

 

42 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I went through a lot, and I don’t regret it.  I know now that the terror feeling was completely artificial.  I was never in danger.  It’s hard to live through, but you can, and you will be perfectly normal and relaxed again just as I am.  I doubt it will take you as long either if you can avoid taking doses of things that are too high for you.  

I think I have to reinstate something but what I don’t know. I can’t live through this. I ct Paxil and that’s the worst thing anyone can do. 

 

43 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

You may want to determine when your last dose of alprazolam was.  Do you remember the last day of the 10 day course?  I don’t think you put the dates in your posts.  Also, when is that last day you took your last two alprazolam pills — the ones you still had left over?

I took my last dose on Sunday morning 2/5. I didn’t finish the 2 tablets I have left because I was unsure if that would make a possible dependency worse. 
I have to take something to sleep tonight. I can’t bear another night of no sleep and panic. I have diazepam that I’ve never used, I’m unsure what to take. 

2011 - started Paxil 20mg and alprazolam .5mg 

2012 onwards - alprazolam 0.25 very intermittently 

2014 - Paxil increased to 40mg

2015 - Paxil back to 20 (don’t remember severe effects but brain zaps) 

2016 onwards - would forget Paxil doses and experience brain zaps, eventually able to take it every 2-4 days without brain zaps. 
March 2020 - Paxil 20mg daily for several weeks. Experienced major tachycardia, holter monitor showed sinus tachycardia cardiologist said possibly SVT episodes and sinus tachycardia 

April. 2020 - back to taking every few days 

March 2021 - tapered to 10mg every few days then CT

flu like symptoms, sinusitis, brain zaps, muscle pain, tinnitus, hot/cold shivering, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, racing mind 

April 2021 severe withdrawals 

adrenaline surges, morning cortisol surge, total terror and panic constantly, nerve burning in arms and hands, akathisia, severe GI pain and reflux, heart palpitations and tachycardia, sweating, sinusitis, trembling, shivering, nausea, total inability to sleep due to terror. 
Used alprazolam .25 for a week for terror and panic 

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You mean May 2nd, right?  Or February?

 

I have read here on SA that your body can go without sleep.  That it feels impossible, but that you will sleep enough on your own.  I know it’s miserable, but many people say that it is the best way to get back to sleeping —  to avoid taking anything to sleep.  It worked for me.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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On 5/2/2021 at 5:57 PM, Altostrata said:

 

It will take a few days for the 10mg citalopram to wear off. You might wait a few days before taking 1mg citalopram AT THE SAME TIME EACH DAY to lessen the SSRI withdrawal symptoms. Ordinarily, this helps, people stabilize for some months, and then taper off by tiny amounts.

 

I see you have a long history with alprazolam. I don't know what you're going to do about your potential alprazolam dependency. If you feel you have to continue it, you'll need to get a continuing prescription from your doctor. It would be best to take the alprazolam at the same time each day, instead of the haphazard way you have been taking your drugs. If you can't get another prescription, you'll have to go off by gradually reducing what you have and enduring the withdrawal symptoms, if any.

This is the best advice you will get.  It may seem that taking Celexa is scary, but taking 1 mg is very different from taking 10.  Do you think you can follow the instructions to make a liquid dose of 1 mg?  Do you have an oral syringe?  You can keep the other 9 mg in the refrigerator.

 

Maybe you should ask your uncle what he knows about alprazolam withdrawal.  He may not know much, but you can learn together.  How much diazepam do you have?  Look up the NICE guidelines for withdrawal from benzos.  The recommendation is to switch (carefully) to diazepam after you stabilize alprazolam. With the water dissolving method maybe it’s possible to skip the switch.  I don’t know. You should not reduce every 1-2 weeks. It should be every 4 weeks or more. You are a long term patient since you were 13.  (That’s really surprising.  Does your uncle know that?) So, you will need to reduce very, very slowly.  
 

You need to get started right away because you only have 2 weeks to reinstate benzos IF you decide to do that.  One week is passing now.  You should discuss it with your uncle.  It’s very encouraging that he knows about tapering, but make sure you show him the NICE guidelines and ask him to explain them.  That way he may see something he did not know.
 

There is a link here

 

https://southendccg.nhs.uk/your-health-services/healthcare-professionals/medicines-management/bnf-chapter-4-nervous-system/3493-withdrawal-of-benzodiazepines/file

 

Clink on the blue link inside that document to see more.  From Australia it should work.  I can’t see it from the US.  Otherwise google the NICE benzo guidelines.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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