Polkadot: I feel like I’ve ruined my brain and body and have no idea what to do

[Polkadot]

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You were very much aware of the dangers of abruptly going off alprazolam, you asked for advice earlier in this topic about going off (but failed to mention you had diazepam on hand).

I only had 1 diazepam pill and I’m so sleep deprived, taking on information about switching and tapering is proving difficult. As I said I’ll discuss it with the doctor today. 
 

 

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Good to hear you're in the hands of informed people at the hospital. Please continue under their care, I believe your case is too complex for peer support here.

The somewhat informed psych was only on call so I’ll never see or speak to him. I have to make a decision based on the advice I get here. I could reinstate Paxil or citalopram. I could also start a new medication fluvoxmine at very lose dose but I doubt that would do anything for the wd.

 

is it generally Paxil Or Celexa that have the best results with Paxil wd? 
 

how likely is it to make me worse?? 
 

I have seen people with multi drug withdrawals on here, am I too complex because I don’t know what to do? 

[Polkadot]

On 5/8/2021 at 3:17 AM, Rosetta said:

Of course, do not reinstate both the AD and the benzo the same time.  You need to be able to discern which is causing what result.  Give it about a week on the benzo at least, I would think.

But I have 1 week left for benzos and I’m 2 months out of ad. I need to reinstate the ad as soon as possible. I’m unsure which ad to reinstate. Any reinstatement could make me worse, which is terrifying. Do many people as severe as me have success this far out? 
 

the psych np agreed that there are many unknowns and none can tell what will happen to me. 

[Altostrata]

I have already given you every shred of advice I can. We cannot solve your problems for you. Your situation is too complex for peer support.

[Daisygirlsk]

I rapid tapered citalopram in 2018. Didnt realize how well I was doing then reinstated and got way worse. Was put on benzos for 2 months and then hospital ripped me off those cold Turkey so I am now in protracted adwd and benzo withdrawal. I also have akathisia. Its horrific all this but I am ever so slowly getting better. Off meds for 3 months. Its agonizing but your body will recover. 

[Polkadot]

I thought I’d post an update. Despite being too complex for help, I think it’s important to keep documenting my experience in the hope that more research into PAWS will be done using case histories on here.

 

last I left off I was in the ED. I waited 5 days there - Australia has a health system that is far beyond capacity. I eventually got a bed in an acute care psych ward. 
 

of course, none of the several psychiatrists I saw actually believed in protracted withdrawl and unfortunately none of them saw my extreme physical symptoms as they were masked by lorazepam in the ED and now diazepam. 
 

I have a degree of amnesia due to the benzos, so this could be muddled.

 

I never got told of a diagnosis but the words “mood disorder” were mentioned, obviously due to my symptoms of severe hopelessness, SI and an inability to cry and anhedonia. 
 

I never disclosed the full extent of my SI as I was very wary of the possibility of being made involuntary and placed on a treatment order.  
 

I was initially on 1-2mg of lorazepam in the ED but that was changed to 1.25mg diazepam morning and 2.5mg diazepam at night. 
 

The first night in the ward I suffered from a fecal impaction. I had an urgent X-ray at 3am after yelling in pain for several hours and being dismissed by the useless nurses. I was started on a regime of enemas and 4 different laxatives several times a day. 

mirtazapine 15mg was prescribed and I was hell bent on not taking it until I was threatened with a treatment order. I knew it wasn’t safe for me to leave and I wasn’t about to be sectioned, so I took the damn pill.

 

the first night was awful. When I closed my eyes I had what resembled strobe lights flashing constantly. I was absolutely comatose but not asleep and couldn’t move for nearly 14 hours. 
 

After complaining to the doctor about that, it was upped to 30mg the next night. Strobe lights again and a lot of sedation but less than the first night. I actually slept maybe an hour or so for the first time in weeks. 
 

all the while I was still experiencing feeling hot and cold,  my sinuses are so inflamed that the left side of my face is puffy and swollen and tender. I was severely sedated and felt like the walking dead. Shortness of breath and shallow, fast breathing. I think that’s being caused by the benzos,  but the dr didn’t seem to care. 

I had another dose of the 30mg mirtazapine and the strobe lights happened again. 
I was so overly sedated the next day again and I think this is mostly due to the diazepam but added to by the mirtazipine. 

 

I went to see a private psychiatrist while I was an inpatient. I had spoken to him on the phone briefly while in the ED and he said he had seen protracted withdrawals and it was cruel, medication generally made it worse and it was a years long recovery. I was distraught but felt like maybe he could help me. 
 

when I went to see him, he seemed to not want to go against the hospital treatment.

 

The next day I was booted out of the ward. I’d raised hell in there and was too medically complex, the dr and nurses ended up hating me. 
 

I continued to take the diazepam and mirtazipine for a week at home. The mirtazipine allowed me to sleep, but my breathing even during sleep is shallow and fast. 
 

the mirtazapine has made me insatiably hungry, like I’m out of control. I have choked on food several times because I shovel it into my mouth like a starved animal, it’s so uncontrollable and dehumanising. I constantly crave sugar and have put on 3 kilos in several days! 
 

I went back to the private psych and he has totally changed his tune in regards to withdrawl, he doesn’t seem to think I’m suffering from it. He’s arrogant and cold and spends most of his time ranting. I told him I hated the mirtazipine and talked about reinstatement. He agreed to reinstatement but I still haven’t taken it. I’m agonising over this decision.

 

im severely suicidal and feeling so hopeless. I have pain all over my body again. I’ve gone so far as to research methods in detail. 

 

the past two mornings I’ve woken up with severe feelings of doom and the morning cortisol surges and major anxiety. I think I’m hitting tolerance or inter dose withdrawals from the diazepam. 
 

I’m so distressed by the thought of whether reinstatement is a good idea or not. I feel like I can’t make a decision. 
 

I’m currently on 1.25mg diazepam at 11AM and 2.5mg diazepam 11PM and 30mg mirtazapine 11PM

[Polkadot]

Horrific morning so far. 
 

I went to bed with major SI as it’s constant. 
 

Awoke this morning to overwhelming terror and anxiety, took my 1.25mg of diazepam which seems to have had a slight effect but I’m definitely becoming tolerant as I wasn’t having the terror and cortisol surges for almost 2 weeks since being on the benzos. 
 

Feeling overwhelmingly hopeless. Extreme SI. Knowing that this is such a long term condition has made me feel beyond hopeless and defeated. 

[Polkadot]

I discontinued the mirtazapine after 14 days as the side effects were absolutely intolerable. 
 

I then decided to reinstate the paroxetine at 0.25mg. No noticeable difference after 3 days so I went up to 0.5mgs for  a week and then to 1mg for 2 days. It stopped the constant feelings of being hot and cold, constant sweating and the burning sensation in my hands. 
 

I then had a good think about how much I hate paroxetine and how I would have to come off it all over again eventually. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to change to fluoxetine.

I know, I know. Yet another very poor decision to keep messing about with medication. 
Everything that was abated by the paroxetine reinstatement came back. It’s been 2 weeks on 1mg of fluoxetine and it doesn’t seem to be doing much good or bad.

 

I’m still taking the diazepam which I hate. 
 

I am in the deepest depression I have ever been in. My partner of 4 years walked out a few weeks ago. Complete with a kick in the guts of how he should’ve left years ago because my mental health has always been so unstable and I’ve stopped him living his life. 
 

I have never been so suicidal in my life. I am completely consumed by it and cannot function. I cry hysterically pretty much all day. I can barely eat, I sleep maybe 3-4 hours if I’m lucky. 
 

My mind is like a runaway train and it just doesn’t stop. Old trauma is resurfacing constantly. I can’t see any future for myself. 
 

I am stuck. I have nobody, no friends, no partner and my dog that was my best friend died in the beginning of this **** storm. 
My mother has left work and has been caring for me since March. 
 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Polkadot  How are you doing?

[Rosetta]

Polkadot,

 

How are you?  Did you stay on the fluoxetine?  I hope your mom is able to help you.  I’m sorry I didn’t see your last message on July 7.  I really hope fluoxetine is helping you.

 

Rosetta

[Rosetta]

How are you doing, Polkadot?  It’s been about 2 months since you last posted.

 

Rosetta

[Wania]

How are You?