success ☼ Aria: My Psych Journey

[Aria]

I was just outside in the dark listening to the sounds of nature. I have few if any memeories of doing this when I was poly drugged. I felt so restless from drug induced Akathisia that sittng still to enjoy nature didn't happen. Going to the beach beng 100 pounds over weight and my legs so swollen I couldn't enjoy a walk in the surf. Being so over heated from the drugs I couldn't walk if I wanted to. I couldn't stand being by myself so I'd shop till I dropped because I wasn't sure of what else to do and had akathisia. I had to move non stop and it meant my hands, my legs, moving my head, touching my jewelry, earrings and my hair constantly.  When night fall came I got scared and stayed up most nights with this bizarre feeling of inpeding doom and pacing the rooms. I'd talk non-stop to strangers and friends because I couldn't control it.  Wow...all gone... (I still like to talk). Things most people poly drugged might not remember but I did (I tapered off 7 psych drugs). My life off psychiatric drugs is MY life again and I can sitting still enjoying nature once again. Small things?? Not at all...major things psych drugs caused me to not enjoy or be able to do. I enjoy my solo time and quietness and don't consider it "alone" at all.

 

It can seem so overwhelming when still trying to taper but it will improve.  At first little things then more improve. Better relationships, more self-assurrance, more quality of living and then comes peace of mind.

[areyouthere]

This  is beautiful Aria. If we had been taught and learned to love, appreciate & slow down enough to enjoy the importance of the little things as children rather than being modeled to fret about the future, perhaps our brains would have been satisfied with that state of mind and we would have never imagine anything different.

 

Let's enjoy these days of content.

 

RU

[Barbarannamated]

It's hard to imagine ever feeling that peace from where I am now. Thank you for continuing to share, Aria.

[Aria]

It's hard to imagine ever feeling that peace from where I am now. Thank you for continuing to share, Aria.

 

I know you're feeling unbelieveable pain from the drugs and family situation and the more you attempt to taper the worse you may feel. I thought OMG I will never never get any better from this hell I'm in. Last night I enjoyed sittng outside and not doing anything but listen to the sounds at night. Years ago when poly drugged I'd be watching constant TV or over eating. By sharing this it was to let you know healing is possible when being at this point had not been an option. I was talking to an old friend earlier today and we both said learning how to manage family relationships was difficult but we had done it. Leaving a door open for more communication but still duboius about closeness. We had family members who may want to borrow money or be "rescued" continuously but we'd deal with that when and if it happened. I have hopes one day one sibling may use that open door.

 

Any time you'd like to PM me please do.

 

(where is SpellCheck?? I having trouble spelling'')

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you.

 

{{HUGS}}

[Aria]

Ok, I think it's time for me to do my Success Story. I was PM'ed by another member saying to them I was a success (off drugs) but wanted to know if I had drug residuals and how I'm doing currently.  Without SpellCheck available here I'm gonna try to c/p it from where I'll write it.

 

It is time to tell my Success Story.....

[lexicon]

I feel fortunate that we crossed paths, dear Aria ..

Yours, is a gentle, kind heart ..

 

I am delighted that you are a success story ..

Such a wonderful accomplishment ..

Congratulations!!

Love, Lexi

[Aria]

I'm been reading online about others being discriminated by physicians seeing the patient is "mentally ill" and /or on suspicious psych drugs. I went through this and it was a nightmare. I do agree limiting or changing what medical record info a new doctor sees helped. When you are physically ill and in need of medical help being dismissed as an emotional problem was a crime in itself. Goodness knows it gets more and more messy when dealing with medical personnel and their biasness. I rarely go to see any doctor at this point and only if I have to.

 

Sorta working on my Success Story and want it to be cohesive but not overly long. Played with outting my stupid psychiatrist's name here....

[Aria]

The other night a long time friend came over and we ended up chatting about my former psyche drugs days. I said yes I know I had Tardive Dyskenisa but how bad was it?? He showed me by grimacing his face what I looked like. I hide my initial shock at how bad his demostration of my facial tics were on psychiatric drugs and later sat down alone in tears. How the hell could my psychiatrist keep piliing on more atypical drugs when he saw my out of control facial twitching and body jerks ? Why did he lie in a letter to another psychiatrist that my twitching were not due to psychiatric drugs? No wonder all of the doctors I had seen knew immediately I was a psyche patient.

 

How are the tics now?? I have constant eye blinking and in the evenings I can feel my upper lip twitching. Thank goodness the profound mouth grimacing and forehead twitching are gone.

 

Atypicals are deadly drugs. One thing I have passed on is to help others realize these little pills can terrible consequences and to let others know.

 

 

On a better note my friend said he'd never met anyone with the determination I had to be psyche drug free and keep on going.

[catw66]

Thank you for sharing your story and I am glad you figured some of this out sooner than I did. I have a 30 year history and also things seemed to get worse after a car accident and pain meds were then added to the mix. I now deal with chronic fatigue and some of the similar symptoms you spoke of. Also figuring out I may need to be tested for celiac possibly. I have to consider all possibilities along with psych med damage. I too have lost a LOT of years to both depression and compounded psych med use and being thrown around in the system when I was very young for about four years. I do not know how I am going to meet a man I can be with at age 47 though I still am in shape and look younger, but so what. That's not what it's about. I don't know how I would be able to say where I've been or have not been to the right person. I don't know. It's a concern of mine when I start thinking I want to date again or get back into some sort of professional career. How would I explain my being out of it for so long?

[compsports]

The other night a long time friend came over and we ended up chatting about my former psyche drugs days. I said yes I know I had Tardive Dyskenisa but how bad was it?? He showed me by grimacing his face what I looked like. I hide my initial shock at how bad his demostration of my facial tics were on psychiatric drugs and later sat down alone in tears. How the hell could my psychiatrist keep piliing on more atypical drugs when he saw my out of control facial twitching and body jerks ? Why did he lie in a letter to another psychiatrist that my twitching were not due to psychiatric drugs? No wonder all of the doctors I had seen knew immediately I was a psyche patient.

 

How are the tics now?? I have constant eye blinking and in the evenings I can feel my upper lip twitching. Thank goodness the profound mouth grimacing and forehead twitching are gone.

 

Atypicals are deadly drugs. One thing I have passed on is to help others realize these little pills can terrible consequences and to let others know.

 

 

On a better note my friend said he'd never met anyone with the determination I had to be psyche drug free and keep on going.

Hi Aria,

 

Because most pysychiatrists don't give a damm and think that wiping out the so called evil "mental illness" trumps all other concerns.

 

When I started to taper off of psych meds, I confessed to a co-worker that I was doing this because she had been diagnosed bipolar as the result of being a domestic violence victim. What a surprise, right! Anyway, she said could tell that I was on them.  I don't remember exactly her reasoning but I was floored and of course, wondered who else could tell.

 

You do sound like you have a lot of determination in spite of what you have dealt with. That is a credit to you big time.

 

CS

[Aria]

Many of us were not aware of how impaired we looked and acted on psychiatric drugs. It was our dulled eyes, our dulled expressions, flat tone of voice and stiff movement. I acted totally different from how I am that when I got off the drugs lots of people did not reconize me.

 

When I was asked what I did before I added on years to my profession and no one questioned it. Glossing over "lost years" worked out well for me (15 yrs). I'm still trying to make my way and am deeping sorry I ever walked into a psychiatrist's office with sleep issues due to a serious car accident.

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

What do you mean about adding years to your profession and glossing over lost years?

B

[Aria]

People I met just wanted to know what kind of work I used to do and a few did ask what years I actually worked. At first I was embarrassed I fibbed adding on extra years of work but I still did.  The added on years were not put on a resume.  I saw no reason to say I "took a 15 yr psychiatric leave of absence".

 

Now I'm disabled with a neuromuscular disease and not working.

[Barbarannamated]

Gotcha.

 

Aria, I hope I can someday (soon!?) have the peace of mind that you do. It shines through in your words. Were you consumed with anger earlier on (like i am) and, if so, how did you get past it?

 

Thank you for continuing to contribute here.

[Aria]

Angry?? Hell yes I was angry. It blinded me with its fury at the psychiatrist, the drugs, my lost years on drugs, loss of friends, being morbidly obese, crippling drug side effects, my family drifting away and when I was incapacitated with this neuro muscular disease being told I was just mentally ill. I won't lie...I'll always carry the angry on some level. How is this different from being in a destructive marriage?? Something bad happened and it needs to be discussed but I can't because of the stigma. I don't know anyone personally I can talk about this with except online.

 

I sometimes think oh did I just lie and say I worked for all those years when I didn't?? People don't really care and it's part of converstion asking where did you work and for how long.

 

Back to gardening....repotting a few plants. My autumn renewal.

[Jemima]

Oh, Barb,

I went thru hell unteen times feeling ultra senstive, feeling like my body would explode, not feeling anything and then like a early morn sunrise I gradually started to feel more human. I was exhausted from tapering and withdrawals compounded by still being ill from my hospital stay with pancreatitis. What a first year I went thru unaided and sick. When I did go to the regular doc she dismissed me as being mentally ill and threw me out of her office saying go back to your psychiatrist. My moods were mostly of intense pain and being lost. As I type this it's like a blur I endured that and came out on the other side. I do remember the 2nd year was about the same. By 2005 I was diagnosed with this neuro muscular disease and started intense treatment. 2013?? Much better and wiser. I'd trade the wiser for a few years of blissful nothingness.

 

I carefully went to a few social gatherings as a new member and hoped I didn't seem weird. It was a foray into making contacts being drug free and hoping I wasn't too obviously damaged to be avoided. Being with others made a difference and my new kitty with his unconditonal affection for me. I saw people and life differenly due to what I went thru. No longer was I the one who was seen as the lady on too many drugs. One of my best achievements? Handling my family.

 

I'm not too sure if you're still tapering or not?? The emotional deading seems to be part of the drugs and tapering and can stay around for a while. You do sound like a very strong woman from what I've read and if drugged to the max lost in the wilds for years me can do this then I think you can too. I not 100% but I'll take this.

 

I greatly appreciate this description of recovery from emotional deadening.  I think I'm at the point where I'm getting a glimmer of genuine, positive feeling on occasion, and it isn't anything like the windows-and-waves pattern of most withdrawal symptoms.  Your analogy of a sunrise is the way I'm experiencing this part of my recovery and right now I'm at that point where light from the new day is so subtle I'm not entirely sure it's there.

 

So many recovery stories don't seem to include a description of how the positive emotions and creativity come back, just that they did.  Thanks very much for sharing this part of your journey. 

[Aria]

I am thankful I can share my journey drug free and reclaiming my life. If any of what I write helps, inspires or motivates another person than I am glad.

[Barbarannamated]

You should be very very glad.

[Aria]

I was outside today chatting with a neighbor and she said you know you were a mess on what drugs you took years ago. I countered this with yes I know, the doctors did thier best with treating this illness I have (referring to the neuro muscular rather than saying anything remotely to psychiatry). I've heard so many people say, "she's so screwed up" BUT they knew it was due to some kind of drugs NOT me and my own shrink couldn't tell the difference as he over prescribed....

 

I was a royal mess with slurred speak, couldn't follow what you said, anxious and yet to most it was obvioulsy some were drug/s doing it. Now drug free I'm a completely different person, more alive, happy and motivated, Gee, we need TV commericials showing the public what psychiatric drugs will do.

 

My psych free journey is ongoing but I'm fully determined to keep fighting.

[alex]

. Now drug free I'm a completely different person, more alive, happy and motivated,

 

I am happy for you Aria, you are a brave, good person.

[Aria]

Thank you, Alex. I keep running into people who hadn't seen me in years and they are astonished at my clarity and bursting to let me know how alert I look. It has never made sense that my prescribng psychiatrist had no clue the drugs were causing me to be a mess, physically ill and so sedated I should not of been driving. Then again he ceased to regard me as a functioning human and I was his guinea pig for poly drugging.

 

I was shopping earlier and a lady came up to me to say I looked so happy she just had to tell me. I sorta stammered thanks and her observation made me feel good.

[Aria]

A beautiful autumn day outside planting pansies and enjoying the cooler weather. Fall is a good time to get ready for the long winter with interesting books, projects, correspondence and plans to be with friends. I look forward to hot chocolate and spicey soups.

[areyouthere]

A beautiful autumn day outside planting pansies and enjoying the cooler weather. Fall is a good time to get ready for the long winter with interesting books, projects, correspondence and plans to be with friends. I look forward to hot chocolate and spicey soups.

Reading this just made my great day even greater. Life really is rich when you are lucky enough to understand, REALLY understand  that it is simpler things in life that are the most valuable. Some people never get that. Poor things!!!

 

RU

 

Enjoying the warm sunshine while it still feels WARM!!! 

[Aria]

My vision has not been great since being on psyche drugs, the neuromuscular illness has affected my perception but lately I've experienced something else that is bothersome. It's sudden dark flashes out the corner of my eye and recently I was told it was the beginning of cataracts. Imagine me telling a physician I was seeing "something" and he knew I was "mentally ill"?? Or worse telling my former psychiatrist this?? Are you on the floor laughing yet? Yea, it would become "hallucinations" and no one would ever refer me to an eye doc. In the near future I'll have eye surgery but till then can enjoy my flashes knowing what it really is and I'm not crazy. Hoot hoot.

 

How simple things we experience can be considered not real by psychiatrists. They take it of context and make it all about being crazy. The very worse example was me telling my pdoc I thought I heard the phone ring when I was in my bedroom and he turned it into "auditory hallucinations". At night I took a handful of psych drugs including the atypicals and I was in bizarre drugged sleep land soon after. Thinking I hear the phone ring isn't worth the time for a pdoc to write it down but mine did (proving once again I was nuts). A good friend used to say, Aria, with all the pills you take at night I wouldn't be surprised if you thought a circus was in your bedroom. ;)

[compsports]

Hi Aria,

 

Sadly, once you have an MI label, everything is seen through that lens.  Sorry, bad choice of words but I am sure you know what I mean.  It is really sickening as to what happens with being discounted like this.

 

CS

[Meimeiquest]

I am really sorry about your cataracts!

 

While tapering Zyprexa, it was so distracting to keep seeing black things in my peripheral vision. And I heard many loud noises no one else could hear when going to sleep. Thankfully by then I knew enough not to tell my doctor. Our poor brains!

[Aria]

It's unreal what psych drugs do to us taking them and then we get double whammied when we try to come off this crap. Thank goodness I knew I would experience strange stuff when tapering and it came and it came. Bizarre feelings, sensations, sensitivities, trying to follow a conversation, everything was affected. I did it without online or doctor support...what a mess with little notes all over a calendar with reduced doses of the various drugs. My brain shut down and the memories are vague.

 

My biggest w/d?? Being scared. No one to talk about it and being too ill to drive.

 

Of everyone I know I'm the only one who came off their psychiatric drugs and stayed off them. My old psych pals?? They're either no longer in my life (they drifted away when I was drug free) or they passed away early. A mere mention of them trying to reduce their meds brought horror to their faces. To see them so drugged and still miserable hurt because that had been me.

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

 

Your comment stopped me in my tracks. I am aware of SO MANY premature deaths by "natural causes" in my hometown that has a very high disability rate. People in 40-50 age group passing away in sleep, a few each week. I have no doubt it is related to the high usage of psych drugs. We didnt see this in my parents' generation.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your eye problems. I have post vitreous detachment which produces a lot of floaters. Extremely annoying and disorienting but supposedly not dangerous.

[Jemima]

My vision has not been great since being on psyche drugs, the neuromuscular illness has affected my perception but lately I've experienced something else that is bothersome. It's sudden dark flashes out the corner of my eye and recently I was told it was the beginning of cataracts. Imagine me telling a physician I was seeing "something" and he knew I was "mentally ill"?? Or worse telling my former psychiatrist this?? Are you on the floor laughing yet? Yea, it would become "hallucinations" and no one would ever refer me to an eye doc. In the near future I'll have eye surgery but till then can enjoy my flashes knowing what it really is and I'm not crazy. Hoot hoot. 

 

Some years ago in my thirties I worked at a very stressful job and began having periods of being headache-y, dizzy, and irritable to the point it was interfering with both my job and my marriage. I made an appointment at one of the two hospitals in this small city and ended up with a real jerk of a resident or very recent med school grad who proceeded to prescribe 5 mg. of Valium four times a day and told me I was "neurotic". Never mind he gave me a balance test and I came close to falling over.  I gave him the business--which got pretty funny--and while I got the prescription filled, I took half a tablet only during the very worst episodes.  Within a few weeks I was walking through Sears and happened to remember that I hadn't had an eye exam in several years, so I stopped at their optical shop and learned from a very old and experienced optometrist that I had a very rare, but quite curable, eye condition that was causing all the problems.  Some eye exercises and new eyeglasses fixed me right up.

 

I owe that little creep of a doctor a debt of gratitude.  He was my first lesson in how very wrong doctors can be and I've been skeptical ever since.

 

P.S. I've had cataract surgery in both eyes and my vision is the best it's been since I was eight years old.

[Aria]

Last night as I couldn't sleep but laying bed started to think about the term "mentally ill". How many people do I know who are classically "mentally ill"? Of all the people I hung around some years ago and were labeled how many were what used to call crazies (the 30 years ago definiton) ?? I rememeber one who thought his PhD professors had stolen his doctorial work and this guy was strange and could be scarey. The others were basically sad, trying to get over a bad childhood, couldn't get it together (for working, living solo) or had alcohol/drug issues. Garden variety crazies?? No. To me mentally ill meant delusions, acting out enough to draw attention (and the police), violent behavior and/or hallucinating.

 

I've watched my former pals still taking psychiatric drugs (atypicals combos) and never feeling they would get better, productive or happy. They won't even think about cutting their doses or try to have a drug holiday.

 

I've met many individuals who were just down right nasty mean to the bone but mentally ill? No, I don't think so. If they walked into a shrink's office they would get diagnosed but they're too savvy to do this. The really mean people are under the radar...the wife beaters, the covert aggessive neighbor, the nasty drunk, the person at work who likes to cause trouble...you know them. I try to stay away from these types...who wouldn't.

 

I don't remember the term Bi Polar or Manic Depressive 30 years ago?? The only one was Paranoid Schizophrenic. If you were crazy you were a schizo, heavily drugged, institutionalized and never recovered.

 

The labeling by psychiatry for life situations that are usually brief become a life long problem with you being told you are permanently damaged and must take drugs.

 

Feel free to answer this post.

[Barbarannamated]

Agree on all points. I have witnessed a few of those (usually) intelligent and potentially dangerous ones fly under the radar and evade/outsmart the system. Unsettling.

[Jemima]

I worked in a big state psychiatric hospital in the sixties and there were people who were diagnosed as manic-depressive back then, but there were very few of them, possibly because the only medication for the condition was lithium, a low profit margin drug. Things were so very different back then. There were few to no preventative tests or treatments so most people only went to the doctor when they were sick.  Now there are dangerous pills available to treat toenail fungus!  (Yes, really, in case you haven't heard of these.)

 

Even back then, however, the DSM III (I think it was III, maybe IV) was mostly B.S.  I was completely new to the psychiatric field, having been hired as an art therapist on the basis of having a Bachelor's degree in Fine Arts, and I remember reading that manual and thinking that it could apply to just about everybody.  Most of the descriptions were merely exaggerations of normal behavior that could happen to anyone from time to time.

[Aria]

"Epidemic of over treatment"

 

Read in today's newspaper about how radical it was thinking "the possibilty of too much medical care and the attendant likelihood of iatrogenic illness is as strong as the possibilty of not enough. Do patients do better on more or less medicine? (that's a no brainer on this forum). The conventional concerns abut underservice should be balanced by concerns about overdiagnosis and overtreatment. Recognizing that too much medicine is a problem and arguing that medical care should serve the needs of the patient, not the needs of the system".

 

Findings by: Dr. John E. Wennberg, Dartmouth, 1973 (yes, 1973). Article written by: H. Gilbert Welch, Los Angeles Times

 

 

(I sure got over diagnosed and over medicated. Iatrogentic illness?? Yep, big time).

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

 

I've been reading a lot about how our government agencies push us toward yearly screenings for cancer (mammography, PAPs, etc) and instill fear in us if we don't follow *the guidelines*. Learned recently that mammograms are not optimal screening for breast cancer and are even considered to be dangerous by some. I don't know why this shocked me, knowing what I do about the rest of medicine, but it did. Then I thought about the massive profits that cancer detection and treatment bring to our economy and the picture became clearer. Interestingly, women are dying at younger age than their mothers.

[Aria]

I had one of my siblings come visit and I finally cornered her to ask a few hard questions. Why, I asked, didn't you hep me when I was a drugged mess?? She said she didn't know it was the drugs because she didn't see me that often. She had called my psychiatrist 2 or 3 times but he hadn't said much. OK, my sibling is a psychologist, so I take what she said with a grain of salt (or 2 or 30). I realize 20 years ago she might not had known but 10 years ago? I wonder why she didn't get more involved?? Was talking to my pdoc all it took for this sibling to cut and run?? I know why...she's into mental illness and meds.  She did admit I had been grossly misdiagnosed and over drugged. She said some of her clients need to be on drugs and I said yea, but as much as I was on? We both still can't figure out how my pdoc gave me so many drugs and at such high doses?? She did say she tries to get her clients meds lowered if they're too drugged (said this was because of what I went through). So am I helping others second handedly?? Maybe.

 

Wonder is she could write me a "Mentally Well" letter I could carry in case I had to go to the ER?? My diagnosis is out there and it could well hinder my medical treatment in the ER and/or hospital. I gotta say if we've been misdiagnosed as sub par than surely we can get a piece of paper saying we're OK for our protection?? Comments?

 

I always liked the term Drugged Crazy because I've been there. Thought it'd make a great book title.