LokiRahl82: Nearly 6 months in and I'm terrified...

[LokiRahl82]

I have no idea how to start this, so perhaps my name? Rich. I'm 38 and nearly six months off sertraline and I'm verging on suicidal, and feel completely and utterly like I can't take another minute of this nightmare. Will it ever end? 

 

I started taking the drug in 2015 (I believe I'm called a short timer) after a long period of depression, chronic fatigue and a bit of a nervous breakdown after a traumatic relationship and years of intense stress at university (ba, ma and mid way through a PhD with no break). I had super severe side effects going on the drug, but I got through it. I wish I could say the drug didn't help, but it did lift me straight out of the depression. I'll never forget the first day I felt normal again, dancing around my flat to music I hadn't listened to in years, feeling joy for the first time in what felt like forever. 

 

But (always with the buts), I had problems with the drug. I would get head zaps even if I was late taking it, or missed a dose. I felt this strange feeling like I wasn't quite myself. My grandma died in the first year of me taking it, and I didn't cry, or feel any real sadness, I felt soulless, and cruel because of that. I began doing things that I don't think I would have done off the drugs. Impulsive things. And I'm afraid to say that I started drinking a lot of alcohol, which started to become a problem. I would get side effects pretty severely after drinking, but for some reason I kept drinking (which has never really been a problem for me before). 

 

I lost my job and flat due to covid, and had to move back to my mum's just as the lockdowns started, and decided it was time to sort myself out. So I stopped drinking and waited dutifully for the sertraline to take effect again, or to settle, or whatever. But it never did. For months I oscillated between different side effects. Mostly nausea, anxiety, depression and fatigue. I spoke to a doctor who suggested I go up a dose (from 100mg - 150mg), and I did. The side effects were ramped up, and after another 2 months, still would not settle. The doctor suggested other options. More drugs. To help with the side effects of the drugs I was on already. Enough was enough. I knew coming of the drugs was going to be tough (I tried coming of them about a year and a half in, completely wrong, and suffered psychosis madness, in doing so). So instead of cold turkey, I did my due diligence (haha), and looked up what was the shortest, but still safe, you could taper. I found a few web md sites all saying things like 50mg every 5 days. Hmmm. Well, I thought to myself, I will half the amount, and over double the period. That should be safe, right? So August 2020 I began my descent into the circles of hell.

 

The tapering process was all a bit of a blur. I was expecting the brain zaps. And I'd managed to find a source for some medicinal grade cannabis, which helped alot during the tapering process. To begin with I was tapering 25mg every two weeks. And with each taper, the intensity of the brain zaps got worse and worse. At 75mg, my dad died. Completely out of the blue. He lived in Thailand, and so we very briefly found out he was ill, and then that was it. I remember just slumping down on my bed, wracked by head zaps, unable to process it. I had to miss his funeral because of the tapering side effects. And for some effed up reason, I decided to shorten the time between tapers to 5 days. 

 

I took my last dose on Nov 15, 2020. Just after the last dose, tinnitus reared it's ugly head. Over the next month symptoms seemed to start disappearing. The head zaps, tinnitus, anxiety and nausea started coming and going. I was looking back at some whatsapp msgs trying to work out when my last dose was, and I was saying I started having windows of actually feeling normal (almost euporic) at about the mid to late December mark. I remember sleeping alot in the day, which was unlike me. But I thought I was through the worst of it. This period lasted about a month. 

 

At some point in January, it began with mood swings. Severe depression, desperate hopelessness, rage. This was about the point I started to fear it was my old symptoms returning. Then in February, the anxiety really started to ramp up. Still, it was manageable, but with the mood swings, and the anxiety, I began to be scared to death that I was going right back to where it all started. The head zaps returned then as well. This shocked me. They were different to the head zaps while tapering. Not as intense. Those felt like my consciousness was literally blacking out. These were more like strange pulses. Different, but the same. Part of me was glad. If the head zaps were back then I was still experiencing withdrawals. 

 

Things progressively got worse from there. Some time in March, mid to late, something changed. I was walking my dog, with a dark cloud hanging over me. The tinnitus had returned, and it was worse than ever. I don't think I'll ever forget the moment I experienced my first adrenaline surge. I could feel it almost wash over me. Down my face, my spine, my whole body awash in this rushing agony. This was when my crash began. 

 

I realise I'm writing an essay, but there seems so much to say. So apologies, but there is not too much more. I'm a writer, so it was always going to be long. 

 

Since then my life has been unending agony. Those first 2 weeks were insanity. I was getting near constant terror attacks, hyperventilating, insomnia, adrenaline surges, constant tinnitus, my brain was constantly on fast forward, thoughts, memories, unwanted thoughts, nightmarish thoughts. I had no control. Hypersensitivity to light and sound. I felt disturbed. Everything disturbed me. Depersonalisation and derealisation. If I dozed off at night I would wake up not knowing who or what I was, instant terror and doom. Doctor said it was my symptoms returning! I've never in my life been like this. Never even knew this kind of madness could exist. He prescribed 10mg of prozac, and I took it. Despite the alarm bells. Things got a little better, for a couple of days, and then six days in to the prozac, things got ten times worse. Doctor told me to hold on, keep taking it. At 8 days, I stopped the prozac, and after a day or two I began to feel a bit more settled than before. I then tried one dose of mirtazapine. Sedation worked for about 15 mins, then I had 5 hours of restless limb syndrome. Symptoms returned the next day, but also felt like a zombie, could hardly keep my eyes open while suffering and slurring my words. I didn't take another mirtazapine. This was about 1 and a half months ago. 

 

List of symptoms as of today:

Head zaps

Tinnitus - multiple tones, shrill and piercing, usually left ear, and this week a low buzzing like a lawnmower in the distance. Torture.

Feelings like my ears are blocked, pops and clicks as well.

Constant insane anxiety

Unwanted, obtrusive thoughts, cyclical, no control

Adrenaline surges

Restlessness and agitation

Blurred vision

All sorts of tingling, buzzing, pressure, itchiness, burning sensations in hands, feet and head. 

Constant feeling like I need to urinate constantly

Constipation

Shakes and tremors

Unable to watch anything, read, or do much of anything. Makes me feel disturbed, or scared of something triggering the thoughts. 

Loss of appetite. Eating is hard. 

Dry mouth, strange taste all the time.

 

Can't think of any more right now. 

 

I've cut out caffeine, don't drink alcohol or smoke weed as I know it will be bad news. I still smoke cigarettes, but they always make me worse. Seems like a catch 22, that one. Withdrawal from ciggys would be worse still? I take omega oil, vitamin d, general vitamin, vit b12 and folic acid in the morning. I force a bagel for breakfast, mum cooks a meal for me at lunch, then I force a banana down for dinner. I can't exercise, which is killing me. I usually train 4-5 days a week, high intensity, but I don't know if I can even manage yoga. I take my dog for a walk once a day, my mum has to come with me for support, as it is basically excruciating. I can't bare to meditate. Just deep breathing is hard. 

 

My mum has been doing a lot of research. Brought Baylissa Frederick's book. Hunted down what little there is in the way of research, anecdotal reports etc. She keeps reassuring me that I will get through this. As does everything I read.

 

But I'm finding it hext to impossible to deal with this. I honestly don't know how to go on. I'm just about 6 months in, and in trying to find success stories all I see is people going through this for years. And that terrifies me. It feels like I all the strength I have is gone, and I'm being sucked down into madness and despair. I spend all day lying in bed, trying to hold on for dear life. And all I can think is, this is it. This is your life now. I try to view my symptoms as signs of healing. But for so long? I'm crying as I write this because I genuinely don't know how long I can go on like this. I feel like my life is lost. Over. I feel just trapped. 

 

I've probably written way too much. But it all just blurted out. I guess I need help, or support, from people that have been through it. And actually come out the other end. All I see is people still in it after years and that terrifies me. How the hell do you all hold on? 

 

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a peer owned and run forum of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  Rich, my heart is breaking for the agony that you are going through.  I literally want to reach across the pond and strangle that doctor who put you on all these drugs.  I can totally understand why you feel so desperate and hopeless.  I urge you to hang on, and say that you can get through this.  It seems impossible, but many here have gone through the horrific withdrawal you describe, and they have recovered.  Yes, it can take years.  However, it is well worth it.  It has taken me years, but I will say that I'm much better than I was, and now my relationships and life are richer and deeper than they were while I was on the psych meds.  I will say that withdrawal can often be hellish, but even though many of us take years to recover (me), the hellish part doesn't last that entire time.  I did several fast tapers and sudden big reinstatements, and the hellish part for me was over within a year.  Of course it is different for everyone.

 

If it were me, I would stay as far away from any drugs or substances, artificial and natural, that affect the nervous system, as it sounds like you have bad adverse reactions to them.  Plus, when our nervous system is badly dysregulated, as it sounds like yours is, trying more drugs is likely to make your situation even worse.  

 

Can you please give us specific information about your drug history for all drugs you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise list (no symptoms), only drug names, specific dates (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day) and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.  Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some information about how these drugs actually work.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

Here is some information about withdrawal symptoms: 

 

Topics about Symptoms

 

Also, as we are recovering, we suggest keeping things slow, simple, and stable. 

 

Keep it Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

 

When we recover, there are times of feeling OK mixed in with times of feeling bad.  This is called windows and waves.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

 

Magnesium

 

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

To give you hope that you can recover, try reading some of the success stories in here.  

 

Success Stories Recovery from Withdrawal

 

I've given you quite a bit of information here.  Please read through it, and mull it over, and we will take it from there. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and take heart.  We in this forum have been through this, and we understand first hand the pain and discomfort you are going through.  Please know that the brain is amazing in it's healing abilities.  It takes time, but healing can and will happen. 

Edited May 9, 2021 by getofflex

[LokiRahl82]

Hi getofflex, thank you so much for responding. Was beginning to worry I had been lost in the ether, or made an SA faux pas, or some such madness. 

 

List of drugs is pretty straight forward:

 

Sertraline 2015 began on 50mg for 2 months. Dose upped to 100mg.

Stayed on 100mg throughout the duration with one attempt to stop in 2016, ct. Didn't go well.

Dosage upper again in 2020 to 150mg after months of the drug not settling, experiencing side effects.

Began taper in September. Finished Nov 15th 2020. 

Fluoxetine prescribed after crash. 10mg which I took for 8 days before ceasing, after severe reaction. 

Took one dose of mirtazapine, didn't continue due to side effects. 

 

That's it in terms of prescription drugs. As mentioned in my introduction I was drinking quite a lot in the last year or so of taking sertraline, and I have smoked weed on and off for most of my adult life, including while on the sertraline. 

 

I have ceased drinking and the weed, as especially since the crash, I know deep in my gut that either would put me in a deeper world of hurt. Since the mirtazapine, the doctor I had been lumped with mentioned duloxetine and amyltriptamine, saying that they can't leave me this way. He was basically completely dismissive of the withdrawal theory, even though certain symptoms (head zaps and tinnitus), I only ever had after or during tapering the sertraline. Unfortunately I have to interact with the medical system to get fit notes so I can continue to get universal basic income. I have managed to get an appt with a different doctor who my mum's friend recommended. I will let you know how that goes. 

 

The only thing I was thinking about, because it is just that bad, was reinstating at a lower dose, and tapering slowly from that. But from everything me and my mum have read, the chances are that it is too late for that? That even if it doesn't cause a severe reaction, it may not help anything, and then I would have to go through tapering all over again. I keep hating the fact that I came off so quickly. But from things I've read, chances are I would have had to go through this anyway, on top of a long taper. Not one effing doctor warned me about this. Never warned not to come off too quickly. Never told to taper over months or years. The doctor didn't bat an eyelid after hearing how long I did it in. As if it was totally fine. 

 

I think the hardest part for me at the moment is I keep reading about Windows and waves. Other than maybe 2 or 3 short Windows in the first couple of months, things have been pretty constant since the crash in march. I feel like I've lost myself. Like I don't even know who or what normal me is, or feels like. I just wish I could experience even 5 minutes of normalcy. Just so I know it's possible. 

[purple]

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about the hell you've been through and are still going through. I had really bad effects last summer and incredibly horrible suicidal thoughts that sounded so convincing to me while another part of me yelled at me to stop entertaining those thoughts. My panic attacks, hot flashes, suicidal ideation, etc got better/completely went away when I went back on my escitalopram. After feeling stable on it and feeling like my life was more (very relative since I still live with my family. I also moved back in with my family... ) together, I've started the tapering process using the Brassmonkey scale and the advice of this community.

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sertraline was the first SSRI I was put on but I got the zombie side effect so they switched me to escitalopram which helped me during the time I needed it. Similar to what you said about losing your grandma and not having an "appropriate" emotional reaction, I noticed that my emotions were blunted. With the sertraline, I had zero emotions. With the escitalopram, I had some so when I was sad, I was not as sad. But also, when I was happy, I was not as happy. This seemed like a good tradeoff though because I was in a very toxic work environment (which I didn't realize until after I quit it).

 

I know it's hard to hold on. I was on the verge of a psychotic break last summer. Whatever was going on in my mind and body was so bad, suicide seemed like the only option but I came across something that helped me a bit. Because our brains like to problem solve, its solution to suffering is to suggest ending the physical body. However, I sense that you likely know on a deeper level as I also knew/suspected that, ending the physical body does not necessarily end the suffering. Plus, as many people like to remind anyone who has suicidal thoughts, our family and friends will miss us dearly. What they don't realize and what I didn't realize until I was suffering through them is that I couldn't think about anyone else when I was in those desperate moments.

 

I'm happy to be alive today. My tapering process is alright lol. I'm glad I got through that darkness where rock bottom was never really rock bottom--there was always more depth to sink into. I hope you can hold on and hold through. One step at a time. One minute, one hour at a time. I coped by curling up in a ball watching youtube videos about criminals because it made me feel like less "bad" of a person even though I've never come close to committing a crime. For some reason, it soothed me. It took me out of those nightmarish thoughts and panic attacks.

 

Please keep us posted. This is a wonderful community and it's really saved my butt.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @LokiRahl82

 

On 5/7/2021 at 10:26 AM, LokiRahl82 said:

He prescribed 10mg of prozac, and I took it. Despite the alarm bells. Things got a little better, for a couple of days, and then six days in to the prozac, things got ten times worse. Doctor told me to hold on, keep taking it. At 8 days, I stopped the prozac, and after a day or two I began to feel a bit more settled than before.

 

It takes about a week or so for Prozac to ramp up to full effect. 10mg Prozac was too much for you, you got an adverse reaction when it ramped up, and felt better when it declined to a lower level in your bloodstream. This indicates a lower dose might have been fine.

 

At this point, you may be sensitized to any drugs, but you might find you can tolerate 0.5mg Prozac (or 0.5mg citalopram with a shorter half-life and shorter span of effect) and it will reduce your protracted withdrawal symptoms. You'd taper off by tiny amounts after you stabilize for a good while.

 

See 

 

What is withdrawal syndrome? 
 
About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms 
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Yours is about as good an account of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome as I've ever seen. You might be interested in

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

How's your sleep? Very important you abstain from alcohol, that could make everything a lot worse.

[LokiRahl82]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Welcome, @LokiRahl82

 

 

It takes about a week or so for Prozac to ramp up to full effect. 10mg Prozac was too much for you, you got an adverse reaction when it ramped up, and felt better when it declined to a lower level in your bloodstream. This indicates a lower dose might have been fine.

 

At this point, you may be sensitized to any drugs, but you might find you can tolerate 0.5mg Prozac (or 0.5mg citalopram with a shorter half-life and shorter span of effect) and it will reduce your protracted withdrawal symptoms. You'd taper off by tiny amounts after you stabilize for a good while.

 

See 

 

What is withdrawal syndrome? 
 
About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms 
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Yours is about as good an account of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome as I've ever seen. You might be interested in

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

How's your sleep? Very important you abstain from alcohol, that could make everything a lot worse.

Hi Altostrata, and thank you for replying.

 

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, with a new doctor, so hopefully this one will at least acknowledge that this is wd, and not a recurrence of old symptoms - despite being completely different. 

 

As per the going on a low dose of prozac or citalopram, my gut is telling me no. More aptly it is screaming at me to not take any more of these damned drugs. The only reason I'm even considering it is because things are that bad. And after the prozac reaction, I don't think I can take another risk, per se. 

 

My sleep is all over the place. Initially I was barely sleeping. Just after the severe reaction I would get maybe 1 or 2 hours if I was lucky. I would constantly wake up with this horrible feeling like I didn't know who I was, with a sense of abject terror and crazy pressure headaches. It has improved, I will say, somewhat. Getting to sleep is hard, and generally I wake up every hour or two. But around the 4-5am mark, when I wake, everything quickly seeps back in. One thing I have found really difficult (both night and day) is when I get really exhausted, I curl up in bed and try my hardest to clear my mind and breathe. I might even start to drift off. But then I get the most horrific surge of a kind of rushing sensation wash all over me. Adrenaline surges? Even if I managed to fall asleep, and am not thinking, it will without a doubt wake me. Full body rushing and terror. Relaxing at the moment is impossible. But it is definitely better than it was in the first couple of weeks of the crash, I suppose. I take melatonin at night, but I'm not sure it helps or not. 

 

Thanks for the links as well. A lot of the stuff on there I have read stuff along those lines elsewhere. Music, watching anything on TV or laptop, and even just reading stuff exacerbates things to a point where it ends up making things worse. I can somehow just about manage playing inane games on my phone, with the brightness turned down, but even that serves as a poor distraction. The stuff about neuro emotions and intrusive/obsessive thoughts is helpful, as these are probably the things most distressing me at the moment. They are what make me spiral into thoughts of not being able to go on like this. They are so all consuming and persistent that I struggle to imagine ever being normal again. 

 

And the tinnitus... 😞 it's funny because I almost welcome having head zaps, because they're the one thing that reassures me that it is something to do with the antidepressants. But the tinnitus is bloody awful. A weird buzzing sound that that sounds like someone is mowing their lawn outside, or a wasp is constantly hovering in my ear, just arrived in the last week. That and multiple tones of shrill, hissing, piercing ringing, that almost feels as if it is drilling into my brain, right to the core. I've tried white noise and background noise, but I'm stupidly sensitive to noise, sigh. So I'm stuck with it. And to top it all off, I don't know why, but I can hear phantom music in it all. Like a string orchestra playing different parts of songs over and over and over. Which makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Withdrawal from these drugs is utter madness. 

 

Give me strength. 

[getofflex]

On 5/10/2021 at 4:30 AM, LokiRahl82 said:

I have ceased drinking and the weed, as especially since the crash, I know deep in my gut that either would put me in a deeper world of hurt.

Sounds like a wise inner voice was speaking to you.  It's good that you listened. 

 

18 minutes ago, LokiRahl82 said:

One thing I have found really difficult (both night and day) is when I get really exhausted, I curl up in bed and try my hardest to clear my mind and breathe. I might even start to drift off. But then I get the most horrific surge of a kind of rushing sensation wash all over me. Adrenaline surges?

Many people have this happen to them in WD.  Our nervous systems tend to be over activated, and this could be an adrenaline surge.  

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this hellish experience.  I just want you to know that it will eventually end.  Healing from this is slow and gradual, and happens in fits and starts.  Try reading some of the success stories in here, it may help give you hope and encouragement.  they helped me a lot.  

 

Success Stories

[LokiRahl82]

On 5/10/2021 at 6:33 PM, purple said:

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about the hell you've been through and are still going through. I had really bad effects last summer and incredibly horrible suicidal thoughts that sounded so convincing to me while another part of me yelled at me to stop entertaining those thoughts. My panic attacks, hot flashes, suicidal ideation, etc got better/completely went away when I went back on my escitalopram. After feeling stable on it and feeling like my life was more (very relative since I still live with my family. I also moved back in with my family... ) together, I've started the tapering process using the Brassmonkey scale and the advice of this community.

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sertraline was the first SSRI I was put on but I got the zombie side effect so they switched me to escitalopram which helped me during the time I needed it. Similar to what you said about losing your grandma and not having an "appropriate" emotional reaction, I noticed that my emotions were blunted. With the sertraline, I had zero emotions. With the escitalopram, I had some so when I was sad, I was not as sad. But also, when I was happy, I was not as happy. This seemed like a good tradeoff though because I was in a very toxic work environment (which I didn't realize until after I quit it).

 

I know it's hard to hold on. I was on the verge of a psychotic break last summer. Whatever was going on in my mind and body was so bad, suicide seemed like the only option but I came across something that helped me a bit. Because our brains like to problem solve, its solution to suffering is to suggest ending the physical body. However, I sense that you likely know on a deeper level as I also knew/suspected that, ending the physical body does not necessarily end the suffering. Plus, as many people like to remind anyone who has suicidal thoughts, our family and friends will miss us dearly. What they don't realize and what I didn't realize until I was suffering through them is that I couldn't think about anyone else when I was in those desperate moments.

 

I'm happy to be alive today. My tapering process is alright lol. I'm glad I got through that darkness where rock bottom was never really rock bottom--there was always more depth to sink into. I hope you can hold on and hold through. One step at a time. One minute, one hour at a time. I coped by curling up in a ball watching youtube videos about criminals because it made me feel like less "bad" of a person even though I've never come close to committing a crime. For some reason, it soothed me. It took me out of those nightmarish thoughts and panic attacks.

 

Please keep us posted. This is a wonderful community and it's really saved my butt.

Hi purple, thanks so much for responding. 

 

It's horrific huh? I'm struggling with whether to try a stupidly low dose of anything to stop it. From what I gather, the longer you've been off the drugs, and when your in this hypersensitive state, it may actually make things worse. And I already had a severe reaction to prozac just after crashing. So I'm terrified to try again, as well as my gut telling me no. But I'm glad it worked for you. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. How long were you off the escitalopram, before reinstating? And when you did reinstate, how did you find it? 

 

When I think about what I was like on sertraline, it's weird, cause I wouldn't say I was numb or zombie like. It did certainly make it near impossible to feel sadness, or any emotions linked with that. I felt happiness, joy, etc. I think. But I'm not sure. It made me, I think, much more impulsive. I made a lot of bad decisions. Including drinking a lot. I was trying to work out why, and it struck me that it was the only way I could feel certain emotions. I would drink and listen to music, and feel. Just feel emotions other than happiness. I've realised that grief plays an important role in our lives. 

 

The suicidal ideation is a hard one to cope with. I know what you mean about having that voice saying no. I mean, death scares the crap out of me, and I certainly do not want to end it. But the suffering is so much right now, that I'm scared stupid that a point will come where it will all just be too much. I'm praying hard for a window, so I can at least know that I'm capable of returning. I think that will make it a lot easier. But right now it's constant. I'm lucky to have just about the most supportive mum in the world, I don't know what I would do without her. So she is keeping me going at the moment. 

 

Ugh. 

 

It is helping being on this forum though. 

[LokiRahl82]

15 hours ago, getofflex said:

Sounds like a wise inner voice was speaking to you.  It's good that you listened. 

 

Many people have this happen to them in WD.  Our nervous systems tend to be over activated, and this could be an adrenaline surge.  

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this hellish experience.  I just want you to know that it will eventually end.  Healing from this is slow and gradual, and happens in fits and starts.  Try reading some of the success stories in here, it may help give you hope and encouragement.  they helped me a lot.  

 

Success Stories

Hey Getofflex, 

 

I will happily never smoke or drink again if and when I get through this. I think I've had enough altered states of consciousness to last a lifetime. And that's just talking about the last 2 months. If only I had a choice. 

 

Is there anything that can help to stop or blunt those surges? I suppose I know the answer already, but I thought I'd ask. I keep thinking about which symptoms I would love to see the back of first, but I'm spoilt for choice. To be able to relax and be calm though, would be... well... there are no words. 

 

I have been reading some of the success stories. I have to admit that I find them to be difficult to read. On the one hand it is good to hear that people are making it through this, and it all sounds amazing. But at this point, while I'm having no windows, I'm finding it nearly impossible to see it as a possibility for me. Which is horrible. I've never been great at optimism at the best of times...

 

A window, I think, will give me some hope at least. As bitter sweet as it might be when it ends for the first time. 

[purple]

Horrific is a good descriptor.

 

Oh interesting, no wonder it seems people are scared of reinstating. I had no idea so I reinstated after about 7 months of being off the escitalopram. Reinstating was great for me. The panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, basically everything it felt like, went away. I stabilized after about 3-4 months of going back on.

 

Ahhh that makes a lot of sense. At first, my medical training brainwashing made me think maybe you have "bipolar disorder" but when you explained it, it makes so much more sense that you were just trying to get back in touch with your emotions again. (They taught us that if you put someone on an SSRI and they start having "manic" symptoms like drinking a lot, then maybe you just uncovered their bipolar disorder and had misdiagnosed them with depression--something like that.) Yeah, I used to want to be only happy, come to find that sadness and other emotions are just as important to have that contrast and to live a full life.

 

It makes me so happy to hear that you have such a supportive mum! The support is so so important. To be completely transparent (and I really hope this doesn't bite me in the but lol because I fear losing my medical license), I actually attempted suicide a few times last summer. In those moments, something held me back. I believe it was my soul/spirit/essence/God/whatever you want to call it. It was so scary that I even tried to do such a thing to myself. That "thing" really told me though that no, you/I do NOT want to die! I remember staring at myself in the mirror, channeling that voice out, crying at and begging myself.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a window too. You are not alone in this.

 

I'm glad the forum is helping.

[Altostrata]

It would be unusual to find a doctor who knows anything about withdrawal.

 

 

How to talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal? What to expect?

 

How good are naturopaths and other alternative practitioners?

 

Your choice if you want to try reinstatement of a very low dose of Prozac. It appeared to work for you before at a low dose, it may again.

 

Otherwise, you might manage your symptoms with non-drug methods. See

 

Waking with panic or anxiety -- managing the morning cortisol spike

 

Tips to help sleep -- so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Path to Better Sleep FREE online for everyone from the US Veterans Administration

 

Music for self-care: Calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

White noise devices for sleep

 

Melatonin for sleep: Many people find it helpful

 

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep: Bright light signals the brain that it's daytime

 

Strange sensations while falling asleep -- surges, zaps, jerks

 

and other topics in the Symptoms and Self-Care forum.

 

Many people find these to be helpful:

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

You might try a low dose of one at a time to see what it does for you.

 

[LokiRahl82]

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It would be unusual to find a doctor who knows anything about withdrawal.

 

 

 

How to talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal? What to expect?

 

How good are naturopaths and other alternative practitioners?

 

Your choice if you want to try reinstatement of a very low dose of Prozac. It appeared to work for you before at a low dose, it may again.

 

Otherwise, you might manage your symptoms with non-drug methods. See

 

 

Waking with panic or anxiety -- managing the morning cortisol spike

 

Tips to help sleep -- so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Path to Better Sleep FREE online for everyone from the US Veterans Administration

 

Music for self-care: Calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

White noise devices for sleep

 

Melatonin for sleep: Many people find it helpful

 

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep: Bright light signals the brain that it's daytime

 

Strange sensations while falling asleep -- surges, zaps, jerks

 

and other topics in the Symptoms and Self-Care forum.

 

Many people find these to be helpful:

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

You might try a low dose of one at a time to see what it does for you.

 

Thanks for all these links, and for helping Alto. It means a lot. 

 

So I spoke with my new doctor today... I went through everything in as much detail as I could, and finished with asking him about what his thoughts on discontinuation syndrome, or severe withdrawals, or whatever, and he actually said he thinks they're real and has some knowledge of them. Though he did say he was under the impression that they were rare, and go away relatively quickly.... 

 

He did actually agree that he thinks, judging from certain symptoms (brain zaps and tinnitus), it is a good possibility that that is what is going on. I made sure to assert that although I am scared of my old symptoms returning, these are much, much different, and much more extreme, and that I would be the first to admit if it was anything like what I felt before going on the sertraline. Hell, he even agreed to put discontinuation syndrome on my fit note for universal credit (the last doctor kept putting depression/anxiety disorder - which really pissed me off). 

 

He said that from what he had read on the matter, I had two options. The first would be to reinstate on sertraline, wait for it to settle and then taper (saying that usually the extreme symptoms go away pretty quickly). The second is to tough it out, and to let the brain heal on it's own. Which I, and you guys, already know. I told him about things like sensitization, and studies I'd read basically saying that reinstating doesn't always help etc, and can even make things worse. Not sure what he thought of that. 

 

So long story short... I've decided to tough it out. My gut keeps screaming at me to stay off the ADs, and along with the fear of having a bad reaction again, that is overpowering the general sense of not being able to do this. And the doctor actually said that it probably the right thing to do. At one point he even said we really don't know enough about these drugs. So perhaps I actually lucked out with this one? I'm to make an appt again with him in a month, to touch base, and he said if things get too much, I can always still reinstate. So perhaps just knowing that it is there if it really does get too much, will be enough to help me through? 

 

I am dipping in and out of the all the links you post. I have to be careful about how long I read for, and what I read, at the moment, but there is definitely some helpful stuff there. So thank you. The first thing I'm going to do is start a symptoms journal. Once a week I'll write down changes in symptoms, new or gone symptoms etc. That way I may start to notice any improvements I make along the way. Still praying for that window though. 

 

Sorry for rambling. And thanks again for all this help. 

 

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, LokiRahl82 said:

Though he did say he was under the impression that they were rare, and go away relatively quickly.... 

 

This is the conventional understanding. He does not have any particular knowledge, but at least knows about reinstatement.

 

You will need to be patient, you should see very gradual improvement over months. This can be very frustrating. Up to you if you want to try reinstatement, or substitute a little Prozac.

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

[getofflex]

20 hours ago, LokiRahl82 said:

So long story short... I've decided to tough it out. My gut keeps screaming at me to stay off the ADs, and along with the fear of having a bad reaction again, that is overpowering the general sense of not being able to do this

It's good you are listening to your gut.  I applaud you for all the hard work you are doing to help yourself recover.  I believe you will eventually get better.  

[purple]

Thank you for updating us. It'll be a hard journey but I'm hopeful for you Continue to keep us posted!