Greatful: Is this withdrawal or too many med changes at once?

[Cheeky]

Hi lovely, 

hows your morning going ?

[Greatful]

@Cheeky My mornings are generally rough.  The last two evenings I a have some sense of calm.

I get this panic in my body and brain that makes me want to smack my head.  Then the noise sensitivity morphs on days and I want to rip my ears off.  I can feel like I am drowning and I can't breathe.  I don't feel like I am not getting enough air, so I am not afraid of suffocation. 🤥 Maybe it like being on the verge of a panic attack. 

  If you read the story " What is happening in your brain"  a lot of my brain is off, the filter is not working right.  The noises make me panicky  my brain doesn't know what to do with it, it thinks I should be scared of something.

The crazy thing is, the more I cut the Lex a little more common sense returns.  It is crazy though, one minute I will think with common sense and then it will change to panic, distorted thoughts, and some D/R.🥴    I have no motivation to do much of anything.😞

 

How are you doing?🌞❤️

[Cheeky]

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky My mornings are generally rough.  The last two evenings I a have some sense of calm.

I get this panic in my body and brain that makes me want to smack my head.  Then the noise sensitivity morphs on days and I want to rip my ears off.  I can feel like I am drowning and I can't breathe.  I don't feel like I am not getting enough air, so I am not afraid of suffocation. 🤥 Maybe it like being on the verge of a panic attack. 

  If you read the story " What is happening in your brain"  a lot of my brain is off, the filter is not working right.  The noises make me panicky  my brain doesn't know what to do with it, it thinks I should be scared of something.

The crazy thing is, the more I cut the Lex a little more common sense returns.  It is crazy though, one minute I will think with common sense and then it will change to panic, distorted thoughts, and some D/R.🥴    I have no motivation to do much of anything.😞

 

How are you doing?🌞❤️

All your feeling are normal and sound sensitivity is so common. This is hard everyday is different. We have to stay strong and continue to look after ourselves.

Im having a sh*tty day again after such a good day yesterday. I don’t know how to help except say I’m with you in this .

[Kat66]

Hi @Greatful how are you doing? X

[AndyPants]

On 10/25/2021 at 7:48 AM, Greatful said:

The crazy thing is, the more I cut the Lex a little more common sense returns.  It is crazy though, one minute I will think with common sense and then it will change to panic, distorted thoughts, and some D/R.🥴    I have no motivation to do much of anything.😞

 

Yeah this is the worst. I hate the back and forth thing where one moment you're thinking "yeah life is alright, I've got this" and the next it's like "everything is bad."  You are not alone in this!

[Greatful]

@Kat66  Same old, same old.  The story is the same.   I had a few rough days, I seem to be working on peeking over the rim of my hole🕳️👀.  Feeling blah and restless at the same time.

One day  at a time, dreaming of laughter, smiles, and being happy.🌞 

 

I feel pressure to get better faster than I am.  I have  a little over 2 months until I have to go back to work.  At the speed I am healing it doesn't look good.  Oh well what good does it do to fret over something that is in the future.  We must stay in the moment right😁

 

They would take one look at me and wonder what kind of drugs I am on. Ha Ha.  What me drunk, high, no, just out to lunch with WD.  WD, what's that they say.  It is what happens when the doctors give you the special candy and then the special candy makes your brain turn into mush when you try to stop eating the special candy.🥴

See the candy made my brain turn sassy and maybe just a little bit frustrated😆

 

I know how to explain how my brain feels.  It feels like it has been at the dentist and had Novocain and it is starting to wear off.  The tingling and pain that come when this happens.🙄

 

 

 

Edited October 27, 2021 by Greatful

[Greatful]

@AndyPants

Hey there, thanks for stopping by and helping me feel that I just might be sane after all.  

It really is comforting to know that what you are going through is also felt by thousands of others. Isn't that sad to actually say.  So many affected by these drugs.😥

 

How are you doing ?

[AndyPants]

@Grateful I'm hanging in there. It's a lot of up and down, going from feeling alright to feeling hopeless. But overall I think I'm feeling okay enough that I'm going to try another decrease tomorrow.

 

[KittenLePurr]

Hey @Greatful, thinking about you and wondering how you're doing ❤️ 

[Kat66]

On 10/27/2021 at 7:37 PM, Greatful said:

@Kat66  Same old, same old.  The story is the same.   I had a few rough days, I seem to be working on peeking over the rim of my hole🕳️👀.  Feeling blah and restless at the same time.

One day  at a time, dreaming of laughter, smiles, and being happy.🌞 

 

I feel pressure to get better faster than I am.  I have  a little over 2 months until I have to go back to work.  At the speed I am healing it doesn't look good.  Oh well what good does it do to fret over something that is in the future.  We must stay in the moment right😁

 

They would take one look at me and wonder what kind of drugs I am on. Ha Ha.  What me drunk, high, no, just out to lunch with WD.  WD, what's that they say.  It is what happens when the doctors give you the special candy and then the special candy makes your brain turn into mush when you try to stop eating the special candy.🥴

See the candy made my brain turn sassy and maybe just a little bit frustrated😆

 

I know how to explain how my brain feels.  It feels like it has been at the dentist and had Novocain and it is starting to wear off.  The tingling and pain that come when this happens.🙄

 

 

 

Sounds like you’re really going through it @Greatful you describe the experience of WD very eloquently. I’ve crashed back into a wave. Let’s be super kind to ourselves. Hugs to you, hang in there xxx

[Knosretep]

Hey @Greatful

 

Hope your weekend went well!  Just stopping by to read your story and to offer encouragement. You've come a long way from where you were when you first posted!  Hang in there!

[Rosetta]

Hi, Greatful.  Everything you write makes so much sense.  It’s quite the ride, isn’t it?  I liked your comment about staying in the moment.  That is key.  However, other people don’t notice as much as we think they do.  So, that’s nice.

Hang in there! -Rosetta

[Greatful]

@Knosretep  Thank you so much for stopping by and the encouragement.  I guess I need to read my thread to see  that maybe I have healed some.  Somedays it feel like will this never end and then somedays  I notice that there has been some growth.  Way to slowwwww in my book though.

You are from Minnesota too.   I grew up in Plymouth.  How do you like Thailand? Do you ever plan on moving back?

 

How are you doing? The last  I read on your thread things were settling out a little bit.

Welcome to the fun house.

 

[Greatful]

@Rosetta  Thanks for stopping by and the encouragement.  When I am in the thick of things I have to say how incredibly strong you are by moving forward one day at a time. 😊

[Greatful]

A quick update.

I think we figured out how to  weigh out the Lex . We are putting a quarter and the tray on the scale and zeroing it out, this has brought scale in the middle of it's range  The weights are coming out more consistent. 

The weekend was horrendous, Sunday  it was all I could do not to think about throwing in the towel.

I have been struggling with noise sensitivity, over stimulation, my brain is in a meat grinder, really bad headaches, it burns, tingles and squeezes to the point of crushing, weakness in arms and legs, ice in the veins, nausea obsessing, low mood, body and brain panic numbness on the face. It's like a yoyo, roller-coaster, merry-go-round all rolled up in one.  I don't  I am sure there are more. Then yesterday from about 7am to 3pm the sun came out were I  felt about 50% normal.🌞   Then the restlessness and the overall sensitivity slowlyyyy came in and the morning brought back the same old garbage.😥  If there is a silver lining in this at all, my brain is clearer but my brain is going to explode🧠🥴  Trying to stay focused on staying in the day and moment with out jumping out of my skin and brain.

 

How in the world do people survive this🙄

Tomorrow will b better right.😁

 

Survey say........ how many of you want to smack your support person when you hear, this will pass, or that's just for today, tomorrow will be better, or the mood will change soon Blah, Blah, Blah

Inside you want to think yea, I have been hearing that for how long?  Sometimes you say it, but most of the time you know they are just trying to help...

Or you start to name off a few of your Symptoms and they give a half heart reply back, it makes you wonder if they have heard this before.  

 

 

[Kat66]

17 hours ago, Greatful said:

Survey say........ how many of you want to smack your support person when you hear, this will pass, or that's just for today, tomorrow will be better, or the mood will change soon Blah, Blah, Blah

Inside you want to think yea, I have been hearing that for how long?  Sometimes you say it, but most of the time you know they are just trying to help...

Or you start to name off a few of your Symptoms and they give a half heart reply back, it makes you wonder if they have heard this before.  

The phrase 'Groundhog Day' is very apt when it comes to this sh*tshow. I am very jaded and cynical with it all. 

Sounds like you're on a real rollercoaster at the moment. Me, I just want to shout at and punch everybody. Fun times.

[Rosetta]

Yes, I used to wonder how people could be so, I don’t know, lacking in empathy, at times, but after all these years, sometimes I look at a person going through the 50th wave, and I feel numb.  Then, I wonder am I having anhedonia, or am I burned out while trying to help others stay positive during what I know, from experience, is a Sisyphus moment.  Once every so often, I marvel at the fact I survived.  It will absolutely be worth it, Greatful.  You will not regret holding on — once you are out of Hades.  Even when you are in the boat on the way back across the river and the darn thing might turn around, you will be glad for that window.   You have to keep thinking of the next hour, not the next few days or weeks.  Just keep thinking of how to survive the next hour until you get a break, however slight.  Distract from your pain any way you can.  

[Knosretep]

On 11/4/2021 at 4:01 AM, Greatful said:

@Knosretep  Thank you so much for stopping by and the encouragement.  I guess I need to read my thread to see  that maybe I have healed some.  Somedays it feel like will this never end and then somedays  I notice that there has been some growth.  Way to slowwwww in my book though.

 

Maybe you don't always feel great because you're cutting medication, but there's at least that you're using less now than before.

 

On 11/4/2021 at 4:01 AM, Greatful said:

You are from Minnesota too.   I grew up in Plymouth.  How do you like Thailand? Do you ever plan on moving back?

 

Thailand has its good and bad parts.  One of the bad parts is that I'm so far from family, and that would be really beneficial to have around me in this difficult time.  I have no idea what the future holds...I'm just trying to make it through each day right now.

 

On 11/4/2021 at 4:01 AM, Greatful said:

How are you doing? The last  I read on your thread things were settling out a little bit.

Welcome to the fun house.

 

 

I was settling out a bit, but then I missed 1 dose of Clonazepam...definitely not fun house fun.  Thankfully I'm settling back down, I think.

[Paquita]

On 11/3/2021 at 10:36 PM, Greatful said:

The weekend was horrendous, Sunday  it was all I could do not to think about throwing in the towel.

I have been struggling with noise sensitivity, over stimulation, my brain is in a meat grinder

 

So sorry for you.

I have those same feelings of sensitivity, so much though that I even

find it hard to read sometimes and I just sit on the couch with my eyes closed.

Light, sounds everything.

 

Hope you will get a bit of a window soon!

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Paquita 

1 hour ago, Paquita said:

I have those same feelings of sensitivity, so much though that I even

find it hard to read sometimes and I just sit on the couch with my eyes closed.

Light, sounds everything.

Oh Thank You for letting me know that I am not alone with the awful WD symptom.😖

Sometimes the voice of my husband will irritate me.  Some much for watching TV or using a guided meditation when it is really intense.  Even being on SA and trying to read the post can be over stimulating.  Car rides bug me sometimes to.  What can we do to pass the time.  Lay on the couch and ruminate  UGH🥴 I can be on my tablet and play games.  Do your ears feel like they are filling up with pressure and sometimes they vibrate/hurt with the noise.  I often tell my husband I want to rip my ears off.  I guess we should be grateful that it hasn't gotten to tinnitus like some get.   

 

Hang in there and  enjoy and amount of a window.❤️

[Bea81]

@Greatful,are you feeling any better? ❤️

[Greatful]

@Bea81 It's  good to hear from you.  I was getting worried about you, you've  have been so quite.  I will drop over to you thread.

 

Me I am really having a hard time with major headaches and some internal  akathisia. 

Trying to get by one day at a time like the rest of us struggling on  this wild journey.❤️

  

[Bea81]

3 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Bea81 It's  good to hear from you.  I was getting worried about you, you've  have been so quite.  I will drop over to you thread.

 

Me I am really having a hard time with major headaches and some internal  akathisia. 

Trying to get by one day at a time like the rest of us struggling on  this wild journey.❤️

  

@Greatful, Im so sorry to hear this. Akathisia is horrendous. It will go away but it is so so painful when its there. Do you have any windows during the day? ❤️

[Cheeky]

Hey lovely,

I hate knowing your. struggling. 
I know this too well. Be kind to yourself and keep reading those success stories. I read them all the time to cling to some hope in my dark days . I’m thinking of you .

Cheeky❤️

[Overwhelmedlady]

Hi @GreatfulI have been reading your posts and I just wanted to ask something .You wrote about experiencing internal akathisia How can you tell the difference between internal akathisia and crippling anxiety / restlessness/ panic? I don't seem to grasp the difference. I did experience some sort of akathisia some months ago when I kept moving my leg while sitting down.Just sitting down reading,legs crossed and moving my leg since I felt such restlessness.It doesn't happen anymore fortunately.Now defining internal akathisia seems to me a much more difficult symptom to identify. Sending you my best wishes from here though I read you had some tough days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Marta]

@Grateful i am so sorry for the restlessness and the headaches. Maybe the loud sounds contribute in trigger them too. (I also hate loud sounds). 

Please try to remind yourself good times ❤️ they will return, even if they are again temporary they will surely return. 

[Greatful]

@Overwhelmedlady

I was reading The Antidepressant Solution  By Joseph Glenmullen  M.D.  Have you read this one?

This is a is how he explains it.  He  does talk more about it but this is in the book.

Akathesia has 2 sides or faces, outer “adjective restlessness” and inner, “subjective agitation”

 

The outer visible restlessness is caused by akathisia particularly and affects the legs and can be mild, moderate or severe.  In mild cases , patients find it difficult to sit or stand comfortably. They may adjust their posture frequently, shift their weight from one foot to the other while standing, or crossing  and uncrossing  their leg while sitting.  In moderate cases patients are more visibly jittery and fidgety, Tapping their feet on the floor or pacing.  In severe cases, patients are visibly agitated, find it difficult to sit still, and are driven to pace back and forth.

 

The inner “subjective agitation” of akathisia is, in fact ,it’s more dangerous side .

This drug induced state can include anxiety, tension, irritability, hostility, paranoia, rage reactions and violence.

 

“Akathisia has been described in medical journals as causing “object terror” in patients. Akathisia is unlike anything the patient has ever experienced before.  Patients report: “ I feel like I am going to explode, like the molecules inside my body are all sped up, bursting against my skin”  “ I feel like my bones are like tuning forks rattling in my body.”  I feel like I am living twenty four hours a day with the sensations of nails scratching up and down a black-board.” “ I feel like I have caffeine running in my veins.”  “ I feel like jumping out of my skin.”

 

Writing in medical journals, experts describe akathisia as “more difficult to endure than any of the symptoms for which they (patients) had been originally treated.”  

The abnormal body sensation and anxiety make it difficult for patients to think clearly, leaving them feelings of confusion and unreality.  Indeed, as part of akathisia patients may experience  depersonalization, an” out- of -body- experience” in which they feel outside themselves, observing themselves, horrified by their suicidal or violent behavior, but unable to stop themselves.  Experts refer to the effects of akathisia as a form of “behavior toxicity” of antidepressants. 

 

I know I have some anxiety anyway, but when you want to run and bolt from the intensity, and your head is in a panic and you want to rip it off, this is more then anxiety I would think. " I can relate to the fork tuning in the body."  It feels like I have electricity/tingling running through my vein. When I think back, I think I had a under current of this  most of the time I was on ssri's.  I kept thinking it was anxiety.  I was restless all the time to.  Sometimes I was so full of it I would be supper tense and restless.  We started to think I was bi-polar. 

 

How are you doing?❤️

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Marta Thank you Marta,  I know you are struggling too and you taking the time to stop by is a huge appreciation for me. 

I want to ask both you and @siderale or anyone else that have opinions on this,  I know both of you talked about not eating much and siderdale you mention having no energy.  I have lost about 30 pounds (give or take a few) and still for the most part have very little appetite.  I am feeling more and more fatigued(not were I want to sleep, just no energy)  To think about getting up to clean, cook, even shower, no interest or energy.  I have muscle weakness, and sometimes icy cold muscles too.  I worry it is depression and it will just keep getting worse.  I also know that the season changing and the weather getting colder(it snowed here last night, not much but it snowed) can play apart in all this too.  I asked the physic Doc about a special light for SAD's, she seemed dumb founded with this?  She said they act as a drug, and can cause increase in energy, like hypo.  I guess I will not be trying that, with the mild akathisia/anxiety/panic I already have.  Is what I am experiencing close to what you girls go/gone through?   Should I worry about foods and there affect on me or just eat anything that I can just to get food in me?  It's a battle to worry and deal with heightened WD symptoms or fatigue from not eating. 

I think my butt is getting flat from sitting on the recliner so much 😆🤣.  I try to walk on the treadmill everyday, somedays it takes a lot of energy and somedays it makes me over sensitized, and anxious.  What to do🥴🙄  

 

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  Yes, it has been another down time for me.  Sorry it's taking me a little time to get back to you,  I think you know how hard it is to find the energy to be on SA sometimes when you feel so empty, feel like hibernating and you have nothing to give.  But make sure not beat yourself up for feelin tired of it all😖  As you can relate to and  have said "What choice do we have ?" Look for the small mile stones, take it one day at a time, and lean on the support from all you here on SA and your home support from people that love and care about you.❤️

 

And most of all be be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself❤️

Edited November 12, 2021 by Greatful

[Believer]

Hi Greatful,

I too have little appetite, and low energy, that is normal for me when feeling stressed. I make myself eat though. I definitely could do better at what I’m eating though.

 

I think the weather has an impact too. It’s rainy here in the PNW.

 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do what you can to shift your focus from how you feel. I’ve recently taken up water painting. While I can still feel my symptoms, I find I can get a bit distracted for a time. Do you have a hobby you’d like to learn or one that distracts you?

[Kat66]

2 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky  Yes, it has been another down time for me.  Sorry it's taking me a little time to get back to you,  I think you know how hard it is to find the energy to be on SA sometimes when you feel so empty, feel like hibernating and you have nothing to give.  But make sure not beat yourself up for feelin tired of it all😖  As you can relate to and  have said "What choice do we have ?" Look for the small mile stones, take it one day at a time, and lean on the support from all you here on SA and your home support from people that love and care about you.❤️

 

And most of all be be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself❤️

So sorry you're feeling so rough @Greatful I wish I knew what to say. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Do what we can....when we can. Wishing you a peaceful restful weekend xxx

[Overwhelmedlady]

Hi @GreatfulThanks for the explanation.I see that the main difference has to do with body sensations. Also it includes irritability and /or rage reactions. I am sorry that you are experiencing this.On the brighter side,I read that you are having Windows and that in itself is surely a relief. In my case,it's definitely unbearable anxiety not quite panic attacks according to the description I have read. It's clearly worse the first part of the day and it increases each time I need to go out,this includes dry mouth,tachycardia ,slight dizziness and muscle weakness.Also the other persistent symptom is extreme fatigue.I am not hungry either due to the constant «fight or flight» sensation.  In my case it's not just random anxiety out of nowhere since I do have real external stressors that are constantly present like a big dark cloud or a ticking bomb.( economic and financial severe issues).I also identify the impossibility to deal with stress which is a huge problem since the constant worries do not allow any prolonged relief beyond a couple of hours. Stress knocks me down completely as if my mind shuts off because of the inability to cope with it.Well,not really good news😢.Sending you my best wishes and hope that we can at least try to relax a bit during....the weekend?

 

[Cheeky]

Thinking of you @GreatfulI hope your okay ❤️

[Greatful]

A little up date:

This is day 4 of my 10% cut from my Lexapro.  We my husband and I decided to try a bigger cut this time.  

1- we wanted to see how I could tolerate it

2- I had a gene site test done and I am a fast metabolizer of the lex and also have a geno type that make me have a increase risk of adverse affect from some ssris. 

 

I have had really bad brain sensations since I have started the Lex, in April of 2020, major brain disconnect, buzzing, crushing in on the top, vice grips, sore spots that move around my brain, tingling, numb feeling, burning spots,

I also had other side affects that were trouble some, nausea, increase in anxiety, increase in OCD, insomnia, I know there are more. I know some of these can be typical of WD so we just kept holding and waiting.

3- I did do 2 other small decrease  and noticed that the brain felt better but I was still having awful WD

4- that all being said this is a test run to see how things go. 

 

I am almost afraid to say  since this is just day 4

I feel the brain is clearer, my ocd is a little easier to control, the anxiety is down a little, my common sense thinking is a little better, the panic is more tolerable. I still have burning, and head sore spots, head pressure, mild headache but more tolerable so far.   

 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let this be a sign that my brain and body has been fighting the Lex the whole time.  Sadly I have to be prepared that I am wishful thinking and everything I have been going through (many more WD symptom then just the few I mentioned) is just from the trauma my brain went through in the last year, mainly last winter and spring. 

 

I am also working on blocking as much stress from my life as I can. This is going to be I will put me first. I am going to try and put 0 expectations on myself, that means depending how I feel, will determine if I socialize, be with people, how much I do  around the house.  The only goals for any given, day are going to be walk on the treadmill, meditate, make sure I eat, go to church on Sunday's, be kind to myself, do not beat myself up over any limitations WD puts on me.  I will try and encourage my self to do things, but my health  will come first.  Really what I think I am trying to say is to stop  putting  pressure  on myself to be more then I am/or can be at this time/day/month.  This just makes me feel like I am failing when I can't fulfill the self expectations.   I hope this doesn't sound cold or unfeeling.

 

A  friend I met on SA and has been there for me in everyway , trying to help me survive this.  Told me I could celebrate the holiday's in anyway I wanted, if that meant on the couch in my PJ's that was okay.  This is called self love....❤️

 

I do have to say I am lucky all our  children are adults,  5 are married and 1 is in collage, so I do not have to try and performs for them. 

I do hope all of you that have a young family's, to take care of yourself, please do the least amount, do not put pressure on yourself and do more than you can.❤️

 

We are are remarkable and will see brighter days ahead

Happy Holiday to all❤️

 

Edited November 17, 2021 by Greatful

[Kat66]

Well said @Greatful.....it's starting to dawn on me too that SELF LOVE and care are absolutely paramount in beating this. No amount of supplementation or self medicating will beat a gentle attitude of 'me first'....I particularly like the attitude your friend suggested of taking the holidays anyway you wanted. There is so much pressure at this time of year to 'be a certain way' or 'do a certain amount of stuff' - I say *^£*%^$ to it all. After all it's all over on Dec 26, or Jan 1st anyway so who cares?

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, Greatful said:

Really what I think I am trying to say is to stop  putting  pressure  on myself to be more then I am/or can be at this time/day/month.  This just makes me feel like I am failing when I can't fulfill the self expectations.   I hope this doesn't sound cold or unfeeling.

You’re doing such an amazing job @Grateful!! Ultimately I have also found that this has very much been a journey towards self love. I’m proud to call you a friend and am happy we’re on this journey together ❤️