Sunflower414: medicated at age 7, now 27

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  I started meds around 1995- 96  somewhere in there.  I didn't start until I was in my thirties.  So I am a little older than you🤪

You can read my intro and thread, You can click on on the underlined link on the bottom of my post were it tells my drug signature.

I tried to get off a few times but would crash, (now I know it was W/D)  and I would go back on.  The drug merry-go-round happened a few times.  What a nightmare.  Yes I am actually trying to stabilize from another attempt to go off. I did a to fast a taper last summer getting off of Prozac.  Went in to W/D at around 3 mg.  I didn't know it was W/D and of course my doctor didn't know either and we started the start, stop of several drugs.  Messed me up bad.  Doc. gave up on me and told me maybe I needed to go on a drug holiday.  So long story,  I ended up on 5mg Lexapro 25mg Trazodone, was already on Xanax and Lamictal.  Went to SA for advice and was told to stop any more changes and stabilize.  So when I feel ready I will start to taper the Lexapro.  Like I said it's a long story

 

How long have you been a teacher.  What a noble job.  Oh man now I have to watch my grammar and spelling😰

 Are you right in Detroit?  I have relatives that live around the area. My sister in law and her family live in Howell area.  I am not sure if some of their kids live closer to the city. We have taken that long drive many times.  If I remember somewhere around 14 hrs.  I am in Minnesota.

 

This next school year will make it 20 yrs.  I have a fair amount of sick time saved up to use if I decide to take FMLA.

 

You should post more often.  It does help to get encouragement from other members.  But I respect you if you are more private.

Just know we are here if you need anything

[Toast]

5 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Five months on this dose so I’m getting antsy to feel better! also praying that I will eventually heal. Very worried this is the new me after being on the meds since I was 7. I’m trying to decide if I should try to work this year or focus on getting off meds. 

Hi Sunflower414, 

 

I can relate so hard to all of these things. I also feel like I have to make the choice between being functional enough to work or working towards coming off the medication. I hope things ease for you. Definitely difficult times. Sending love. ❤️

[getofflex]

16 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

You are so sweet! I think I am slightly better.

This is great news.  Your brain and nervous system is healing.  Recovery from antidepressant withdrawal is very slow, so you will continue to heal and improve.  

 

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

I still can't believe they put  7 year old on any ssri. 

I totally agree.  I think that is child abuse.  

 

16 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Still having intrusive thoughts feeling not real etc. but it’s a little better.

I can understand and relate to what you are going through.  I've been going through the same thing.  Here is a nice technique for dealing with intrusive thoughts: 

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

[Sunflower414]

Thank you so much! I will try this technique 

[getofflex]

The feeling not real could be derealization or depersonalization.   Go to symptoms forum and there is a thread on this.   It’s a very common WD symptom.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by getofflex

[Sunflower414]

Hi all, 

 

im having a really terrible day. I’m usually a really social person and today is the 5th big event for friends I’ve missed since starting my taper. I’m feeling super distraught. I’m also just feeling like I cannot live like this — I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t know how long I can continually let people down and sit and cry. Does anyone else relate to this? I’m tempted to try a new med (trintellix) but don’t want to make things worse. However idk if they can get worse. Thank you for your support

[Rosetta]

Hi.  I know just how you feel.  I used to struggle to do things, and often wished I had stayed home.  It’s very demoralizing! 
What are you missing - a wedding or something like that?

 

Please, please don’t start a new med.  It’s very rare that that works out well.  (Perhaps you could cross over to Prozac if things get really, really bad, but that is a last resort sort of move.  Get advice from a Mod first.  There’s a particular method to crossing over.) Usually, it’s better to stay on what your body is used to having.  It’s not a decisión to be made during a big wave.  You would want to think about it for a while because it could make you feel worse for some time.

 

Here is a checklist for withdrawal symptoms.  Most of them are on there.  See the pdf that ChessieCat posted?  You can print that.  Rate them on a scale of 1-10.  You could post your symptoms here (and add any not on the list) with their ratings.  Then, people could give you advice on how to make it through them.  https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/2390-dr-joseph-glenmullens-withdrawal-symptom-checklist/

 

Do any of your symptoms come at particular times of day?  Are there any that occur quite soon after your dose?

 

Hang in there.  You are dealing with Xanax withdrawal and Paxil WD at the same time.  It’s rough, but it will get better!

 

Rosetta

 

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414 

 

9 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

I’m usually a really social person and today is the 5th big event for friends I’ve missed since starting my taper.

I can totally relate to feeling bad about missing things.  Since about the end of Nov last year I have had a really hard time socializing I missed 2 nieces graduation parties, stayed away from getting together with my children, missed a nieces wedding shower, now her wedding is this Saturday and I will not know if I am going until Saturday to see if I can handle going.  I have a family trip to cabins with my children in August and I am not sure I can make it. I think I am going to go on FMLA this fall for work.  If I think to hard about it I get depressed and take it out on myself like I am a failure.  But I am on this road and there is no way out but to go forward and if I have to put life on hold for a little while that's what I have to do.  Those that really matter to me will be there for me when I am through this journey.

9 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

I don’t know how long I can continually let people down and sit and cry.

If they love you they will understand and be there for you.  You are only hurting yourself by putting this much pressure on yourself.  How do you know that you are letting them down?  Is that your negative thinking and are you putting your neg thoughts to be their thoughts.  Have you talk to any of them about what is going on with you?  Can you invite friends over one at a time so you don't get over stimulated?

Please be kind to yourself.  Look to find away to get your needs meet and still heal♥️

 

I am getting impatient with w/d also, and want some sort of life back.  One day we will look back and this will be one dot in the big scheme of life.  Time marches on regardless.  

 

Do you feel that you have made any progress toward stabilization?

Hang in there.  I know you can do this.  You are in a tough w/d and it can get pretty scary and lonely.❤️

 

[Cheeky]

Hi Sunflower 🌻 

I’ve been reading through your thread and can relate to so much of my own experience. I was put on Paxil at the age if 17 years old after a 15 minutes conversation with a doctor and tried many times to come off . I had my chance when I was your age , couldn’t handle it and the DR added Seroquel to the mix , I know how tempting it is to want to change to something else to get a quick fix.  Unfortunately  there is nothing that will cover the Paxil withdrawals, trust me I tried. It is such a lonely life changing experience we have to go through to get off these drugs but I wish I did when i was your age. Your still young and have so much to look forward to.  I think you should just wait this out till your stable and then taper the 15mg you have left . You really don’t want to play around with these drugs . We are all here to support you through this and so many wonderful people on this forum . I too wish there was an easy way out . Hugs to you your not alone in this 🌈

[Sunflower414]

Thanks so much for your reassurance. I was put on at 7, and according to my mom “I needed them” and “wasn’t able to function” without them. Being on them 20 years when I am only 28 years old worries me that I am permanently damaged. Or even after the WD, will I go back to how I was when I was little? There are so man questions and worries that I have. I’m worried they have ruined my brain for good and I will never have a good life. Sounds depressing but these are the things I think about daily. 
 

how are you doing with your taper?

[Cheeky]

Just now, Sunflower414 said:

Thanks so much for your reassurance. I was put on at 7, and according to my mom “I needed them” and “wasn’t able to function” without them. Being on them 20 years when I am only 28 years old worries me that I am permanently damaged. Or even after the WD, will I go back to how I was when I was little? There are so man questions and worries that I have. I’m worried they have ruined my brain for good and I will never have a good life. Sounds depressing but these are the things I think about daily. 
 

how are you doing with your taper?

I understand completely, and think that myself. The thing is when you get stable like I’m waiting for , you can still have a life tapering slowly. I was doing fine until this last drop, I dropped too much and now suffering for it . You don’t want to be on these drugs any longer then I do . What is the option? Nothing except come off. This will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do , but people do recover and we will too, even though we think we’re permanently damaged. Read the success stories to give you strength. Post often for support, we need reassurance. I know your a school teacher and I’m very bad a writing and gramma 😂. 

[Greatful]

  @Sunflower414  Did you get a chance to read the 2 stories success stories  that erill posted links to on your thread early in May?  They both were started on meds at a young age.

10 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Being on them 20 years when I am only 28 years old worries me that I am permanently damaged. Or even after the WD, will I go back to how I was when I was little?

I am scared too.  I have been on meds so long it is hard to remember how I was before. Can I live without them?  The drugs themselves can cause problems, cognitive blunting,  anxiety and even depression, memory loss, increased agitation, anger and physical pains.   Now that you are in w/d you can see how much they affect your whole body. By changing you brain chemistry you are also changing other things.

I am scared most days, but sometimes I get a little excited to see how I really feel without the chemicals in my  body.

 

 You are now an adult and can learn healthy coping skills.  You will not be facing life with a brain of a child. Now is the time to find yourself, heal and grow.  It can be exciting and scary at the same time.

10 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

I was put on at 7, and according to my mom “I needed them” and “wasn’t able to function” without them.

Does your mom explain why she thought you needed them?

 

I like to pass this story on to people, it is about a woman recovered from benzo w/d.  Altro equates it to anyone who has taken a brain altering drug.

Click on the title and it should open up. I printed this out so I would have it available to read anytime and I can show people, read this, this will explain what is happening in my brain while it is healing.

 

I am glad that you are posting your fears and questions.  It really helps to feel heard and that you are not alone.  It also helps the other members reading your thread that " yes I am normal, I have these same fears and thoughts"  We are all in this together.

 

[KittenLePurr]

11 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

Being on them 20 years when I am only 28 years old worries me that I am permanently damaged. Or even after the WD, will I go back to how I was when I was little? There are so man questions and worries that I have. I’m worried they have ruined my brain for good and I will never have a good life.

Hey Sunflower, I'm catching up on your thread but wanted to jump in and reassure you that you will heal. Our brains are incredibly elastic and reparable, and our bodies possess such amazing regenerative capabilities that doctors aren't taught about...it may not feel like it right now but with time and proper self-care, you can heal from just about anything! So try to keep that in mind. I've met people online who were on psych meds for 20+ years and are free and doing better than ever now. You will be OK. Just be patient and really gentle with yourself.

[getofflex]

12 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

I was put on at 7, and according to my mom “I needed them” and “wasn’t able to function” without them. Being on them 20 years when I am only 28 years old worries me that I am permanently damaged.

I just want to second what Rosetta said.  I would not start a new med, if I were you.  Are you still on the 15 mg Paxil as stated in your signature? When the nervous system is destabilized from WD, adding more drugs is just as likely to destabilize you further and make you feel worse, especially after the drug merry go round you were on in 2020.  

 

I want to tell you that my husband's lifelong friend was put on psych drugs when he was 9.  He was on them until he was 23.  He is now 61, he has been off these drugs for years, and has a good life with a wife he loves, and he has had a good career.  So there is healing and a future for you without drugs.  The key is time, and patience, and learning non drug coping skills for dealing with the curve balls life tends to throw at us.  

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  Hi, how are you doing?

[Sunflower414]

Hi there — I had a five day window and I’m back in bed for three days. Crying, suicidal thoughts, heart racing, body feels like it’s vibrating. I may have to just take medication forever. I don’t know how I can survive this.

[Sunflower414]

After 7 months on 15mg (I went from 20 to 15) I’m still doing awful. Should I reinstate?

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  I am so sorry you are suffering. This is a hard journey to go through.  

A 5 day window that's fantastic☺️

 

"I was put on effexor for 6 months and tapered off in 2 weeks. Tried lexapro, Prozac, celexa, pristiq, viibryd, and who knows what else for 8 months which was about this past December. Ended up on 20mg of Paxil."

 

Were all these changes done in the 8 months up until December 2020?  Your med history in the last several months looks like mine.  Starting and stopping so many meds in such a short time.  Your brain is having a fit just like mine is,  they are horribly scrambled.  My brain still trying to stabilize.    

I am not a mod, I am waiting just like you to stabilize.  My guess is it will just take time. Our brains have been put through the wringer and our cns is so out of wack.   

I fight the depression and SI too, and a ton of other symptoms, it comes in waves and sometimes it does feel unbearable. There are times all you can say is "All I have to do is make it through today".  The day does go by and you made it another day.   You did have a 5 day window. 

That is fantastic, that means your brain is healing.  When you are feeling the wave that means your brain is working hard to heal.  

Hang in there❤️

You are doing great, you should be proud of yourself❤️

If you want a mods advice soon, you should tag on of them.  They will get a notification.  @ type their name and it will show up in a box, click on the name and it will highlight it in blue.  Not sure if you are aware of this?

 

 

 

[Sunflower414]

Thanks I’m so sorry you are going through this — are you going to continue to taper? 
 

I didn’t know about the tagging. How do I know the names of the mods?

[Greatful]

 @Sunflower414  Yes I plan on tapering eventually.  Hopefully this fall I will try a small cut.

You can tag Gridley , brassmonkey,  Arbor, ChessieCat, getoflex

 

Hang in there.

 

[Sunflower414]

6 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

After 7 months on 15mg (I went from 20 to 15) I’m still doing awful. Should I reinstate?

@brassmonkey @ChessieCat  @getofflex

Gridley , brassmonkey,  Arbor, ChessieCat, getoflex

 

6 hours ago, Sunflower414 said:

After 7 months on 15mg (I went from 20 to 15) I’m still doing awful. Should I reinstate

[getofflex]

@sunflowerLet do some detective work.   😉  Please keep a daily journal of when you take your Paxil, your eating, your sleeping, your symptoms, any stress factors, and any other pertinent things.    Write the times down of each.  Let's see if we can get to the bottom of this.  Here is an example:  

 

6 AM woke with anxiety

8 am took 2.5 mg lexapro

10 am stomach is upset

10:30 am ate breakfast

11:35 am got a headache, lasted one hour

12:35 ate lunch

4 pm feel a bit better

5 pm took 2.5 mg lexapro

6 pm ate dinner

9:20 pm headache 

10:00 pm took 50 mg Seroquel

10:30 pm feeling dizzy

10:30 pm fell asleep 

2:30 am woke, took 3 mg Ambien

2:45 am fell asleep

4:30 am woke, but got back to sleep 

 

Do this for several days to a week, and see if we can find a pattern.  

 

Are you using any alcohol or CBD/kratom/marijuana/street drugs of any kind, or any other type of mood altering substance? 

 

By the way, we can develop food sensitivities.  I have discovered that I'm probably sensitive to MSG (monosodium glutamate) and do much better when I eat simple home cooked natural foods without chemicals and additives.  Try writing what specific foods you eat, if you ate them at a restaurant, etc. in your journal, see if you can find any patterns.  I had a horrific reaction to movie popcorn a few days ago.  I was up most the night, and felt like I was back in early WD for a day, but then have been fine after that.  I suspect MSG and chemicals in the movie popcorn. 

 

Here is a thread on food sensitivities: 

 

Histamine Food Intolerance

 

Elimination or Exclusion Diets

 

Chinese Food and MSG

 

There are other threads on food sensitivities, but I don't want to overwhelm you.  You can go to the symptoms and self care forum and find them if you wish.  

 

Please post your journals on this thread, and lets see if we can find out what is going on. 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by getofflex

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  How are things going? 

[Sunflower414]

Thanks so much for asking. I was doing awful. Now I’ve had about 6 decent days! No panic or crying! 😊 not feeling amazing but doing okay. Extremely tired. Trying to decide if I should drop again soon. How are you doing?

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

Now I’ve had about 6 decent days! No panic or crying!

This is great to hear..☺️ See your brain can heal❤️ 

 I am  not sure I would push a drop yet.  You had a pretty rough go of it.  When was your last drop?

Are you going to take sometime off from teaching?

 

[Sunflower414]

Yes I decided to take the year off… it was an extremely hard decision. I will still be doing some work from home. I last dropped in February. However I went straight from 20 to 15. 
 

how are you??

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414

21 minutes ago, Sunflower414 said:

Yes I decided to take the year off… it was an extremely hard decision.

I know what you mean.  This will take some of the pressure off of you.  You won't have to worry constantly about if you are going to feel good or not.

  I applied for the 12 week FMLA.  I still have not heard yet.  It really was hard for me to do, but I have to take care of myself first.  I always pushed myself in life, you know, had to be strong.   With WD and the morphed thoughts and emotions I find that I am being forced into dealing with some stuffed trauma.  So yeah, WD and wild emotions, and a brain that doesn't work right🙄 I will see how I am after winter break, than decide my next move.  

.

I had some really rough days but I think I am coming around.

 

You dropped about 6 months ago.  I would go with how your body feels. Maybe give it another week to see if you are stabilized.  Are you doing the brassmonkey slide for your taper?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Greatful
took out a extra line

[Sunflower414]

Good for you. Yes putting yourself first can be really difficult but it is needed especially during this time. What is the brass monkey scale? Is this how you are tapering?

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  I really think it is a good option.  It is a little gentler taper

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/17671-the-brassmonkey-slide-method-of-micro-tapering

 

I plan on using this method.

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you Sunflower.  Im

glad that you took the year off of work.  You will heal a lot in a year.  The less stress the better.  Yes, people heal while tapering or holding - especially holding.  Having long windows like 6 days is a very good sign!

 

Take care, Rosetta

 

[getofflex]

19 hours ago, Greatful said:

I am  not sure I would push a drop yet.  You had a pretty rough go of it.

I agree with grateful.  The best way to taper is to listen to your body.  Since you were feeling so badly only a week and a half ago, I would hold on the current dose for at least another month.  If you feel OK during that month, then you could try another small drop.  See the link above for the brassmonkey slide method.  Here is a link about stability, to help you know when is a good time to reduce your dose.  

 

Stability

 

WD Normal

 

I'm really glad to hear that you have been feeling better over the past 6 days! You are definitely healing.  Keep up the good work! 

[Sunflower414]

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Thinking of you Sunflower.  Im

glad that you took the year off of work.  You will heal a lot in a year.  The less stress the better.  Yes, people heal while tapering or holding - especially holding.  Having long windows like 6 days is a very good sign!

 

Take care, Rosetta

 

Thanks so much. Today I’m having intrusive thoughts again but trying to stay positive 

[getofflex]

Hi @Sunflower414I know what a pain intrusive thoughts are, because this was a major symptom for me.  Thankfully, this has gradually lessened as time has gone on.  Here is a technique that may help:  

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  How are you doing?  

[Sunflower414]

Trying to be okay. Had a big wave. Just super worried about what will happen to me. How are you? 

[Greatful]

@Sunflower414  I am sorry that you went through another wave.  Waves can be very discouraging.  But we need remind ourselves that that is when the brain is work and repairing it's self  Reread the story about the woman who recovered from benzos "what is happening in your brain"

 

These drugs are very strong and have had their way in our brains for a long time.....Time to take it back.😊

How is the meditating going?

Are you getting any breaks in the day were you can draw on to get encouragement?

 

I am going through some strange stages.  Kind of all over the place.  Like you the obsessing can get overwhelming.  Again this is were meditation and observing you thoughts and not reacting is helpful.  Learn to observe with awareness and not with the mind.

 

Your drug history and mine look the same in the last few years. All the drug swapping has shaken up our brains pretty good.  Holding and waiting looks like are only options.  

 

Try to keep your mind occupied with small tasks.  We will heal, we just have to remind ourselves we are strong and all we have to do is get through one day at a time.  Nothing can hurt you, no thought, sadness, anger, it maybe very uncomfortable at times that is all it can do to us, is make us uncomfortable if we let it......I guess that is were acceptance comes in. Fighting it only will make you feel worse and why would we want to feel worse..... Time will keep moving on whether we are uncomfortable or not.  Ask yourself if you can accept the discomfort and know that it is not you it is just a sensation in your body and thoughts in your mind.

Here are some thoughts that @Mia1  has shared on anxiety.

 

 It is my reaction to my symptoms and not my symptoms that were causing my suffering.

 

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside the mind.

 Your brain has convinced you that you must think about it. But it’s your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

Hang in there. I am here for you❤️