Surviving82: My story, WD from antidepressants, please help

[Surviving82]

Intrusive thoughts are very bad today. I am ruminating on the past and all the medical tests and wrong choices that I made about my health, and how much unnecessary everything happened to me. How much damage all that unnecessary testing did to me. I cannot remember everything in as much detail as I'd like to and thats driving me nuts as well. I know it doesn't matter but I cant stop. 

 

Also I have a little sore spot in my mouth, I think it is from toothbrush damage bz I can feel it hurts right where my toothbrush hits the back of mouth. My dentist said to brush the very back tooth better so now I do and probably have damaged my mouth. There is a tiny ulcer there and it hurts when I touch it. So now I obsess that it can be early oral cancer. I just can't, I literally just finished with another oral cancer obsession. I can't even send a picture to my dentist bz im afraid he would think I completely lost it. Every 2 weeks I find another suspicious "oral cancer". I need to just go easy on brushing and give it a week to heal. But I'm obsessing and spiraling. This is exactly the pattern that I've been though with melanoma 6 years ago. Every 2 weeks I find another suspicious mole and keep obsessing about it. And I couldn't put a stop to that until I went on zoloft. Crazy, crazy. I know the kind ladies who are trying to help me are already fed up with me, I understand. I am trying but it is super hard. I did better in he morning and then I just run out of energy. It is like my mind wants to live in hell and I do not understand why. Why??? I have no interest in anything other than obsessing and ruminating. Go figure why. I don't know. 

[Mia1]

I understand what you are going through. I’ve had so many different variations of this and know the stark terror and dread of connecting with these thoughts. I know how strong the pull is to think about every single thing you’ve ever done to try and figure out if you could possibly have whatever disease. It feels impossible to think about anything else. I used to do this so much I would have panic attacks all day and night. I barely ate or slept. Believe me I know the hell of OCD.

 

But just as I’m so aware of the hell I’m also aware that there is a way out of this darkness. It was not easy for me at first either. I was so scared and fought everything. But I took that first step towards acceptance and I started to learn the things I’ve shared with you. So if I can do this then I know you can too.

 

 I’m not fed up with you at all, I have a lot of empathy and compassion for you and want you to be well. I just don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to keep dwelling on symptoms. You’re in a loop right now and I’m trying to help you break it. Just try your best.

 

 I would definitely recommend you watch the self compassion video I linked you on today, it can really help you and it will at least distract you for a bit. And keep re reading your thread and pm’s for techniques and advice, it works.

 

Try to do something soothing for yourself tonight 💗

 

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, thank you so much. Only people who have been through this hell can truly understand. The sheer terror of it all and the feeling of losing control and spiraling deeper and deeper no matter how much you fight. Accepting and letting go, accepting and letting go. I will watch the self compassion video now. I have also ordered a Bible. I never read a Bible before but I want to start. The only good thing thats coming out of it is that I seem to be growing in my faith and getting closer with God. 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

Please don't think that we are giving up on you.  I know you are trying.  

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I did better in he morning and then I just run out of energy

See this is progress.  You can't expect yourself to be perfect, you are learning new skills and retraining your brain from years of thinking this way.  It takes awhile for your brain to form new pathways.

I know the fatigue that comes with OCD, obsessions and now it is morphed in WD.  Show some compassion for yourself, you are taking steps to help yourself.❤️

 

We will help each other with encouragement to not let the monster win..... 

 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

Accepting and letting go, accepting and letting go. I will watch the self compassion video now. I have also ordered a Bible. I never read a Bible before but I want to start. The only good thing thats coming out of it is that I seem to be growing in my faith and getting closer with God. 

This is all wonderful news. I’m really proud of you, I know it’s not easy. And I meant what I said to you before, I’m here for you for however long you need me to be. You are not alone in this❤️

[Moonpie]

That is wonderful Surviving82!   God is there  for you with open arms. You are really doing amazing even though you may not feel like it. Get.

[Surviving82]

2 hours ago, Mia1 said:

would definitely recommend you watch the self compassion video I linked you on today, it can really help you and it will at least distract you for a bit.

@Mia1, I like the video, it has a lot of truth to it, especially when she was talking about people who grew up in abusive environments. It resonated with me. Of course when she was talking about acceptance, i freaked. I think a lot of it because she said "you need to accept that you have cancer, if you have it". I don't have cancer thst I know of (knock on wood), but acceptance in general is a big problem for me. How to accept what happened in the past, make peace with it, and grow together with my inner being in the loving, compassionate environment? 

[Mia1]

11 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

acceptance in general is a big problem for me. How to accept what happened in the past, make peace with it, and grow together with my inner being in the loving, compassionate environment? 

I’m happy you liked the video, I related with a lot of what she said and I liked how she gave practical and simple advice. Did you try the meditation at the end? 

 

Yes, acceptance is a big part of healing. There’s a thread on acceptance here that may help you, check it out if you have time.

 

Let me know how you’re doing today.

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

Hi, wanted to check in and see how you are doing today?  Your in the back of my mind when I am dealing with my obsession.  We can draw strength and encouragement from each other.

I think to myself......If I am telling you how to face the monster I had better practice what I preach right☺️

I hope you are having a feeling a little better today❤️

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  How are you doing today?

[Surviving82]

37 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Surviving82  How are you doing today?

Hi @Greatful, thanks for asking. I'm plugging along. Lots of anxiety, intrusive thoughts. The unshakable feeling of impending doom. Like something terrible is about to happen and I can't stop it. Won't wish this on anyone. I need to accept and let go of the past. It is not easy. 

 

How are you doing ?

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

 

 

18 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

The unshakable feeling of impending doom. Like something terrible is about to happen and I can't stop it.

That is a typical wd symptom, but now we get to morph it more with past trauma  UGH

Remember they are just MORPHED THOUGHTS that can't hurt you.  Usually they are lying to you but they seem to REAL.  

It is crazy how we feel fear and panic from our thoughts.  What are they going to do to us.

They will try hard to make us feel uncomfortable but that is it.  That is all they can do.

 

Hey, here is one mantra I was telling myself today.      "Don't feed the monster"  It helped me a lot today when I started  to get that ocd thing.  Not 100% but it made a difference.  For some reason it felt impowering to have the choice if I was going to feed him or not.  Also every time you feed him, he  GROWS and gets HUGRIER.😡

32 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

How are you doing ?

Rough morning, but I made it through the day. We both did. ❤️ 

33 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I need to accept and let go of the past.

Yes we do, but remember to be kind, patient with yourself as you go on this journey. Learning to accept and love yourself is a very important part of healing.

It will happen, it just will take a little time.

 It feels like I am in a maze and how do I find my way out.  Guess what, we walk are way out. 

 

 

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, unfortunately I fed a monster a lot today. It is already plenty fat but now it got even fatter. So glad that you do not give in! Good for you, great progress. The less you give in the weaker it becomes. 

 

I am terrified that im going to get a brain tumor. Even more terrifying, somewhere deep down I feel like I deserve a brain tumor, for my past choices and behaviors. The feeling of terror this creates is unbearable. It is like I live in 2 worlds, in 1 of which I already have a brain tumor (my imaginary world). I've already been through something similar 6 years ago with melanoma obsessions. Same feeling of doom and the split of the world's. Not good. But, now I'm armed with the techniques I didn't know back then. I'm not very successful yet but I keep trying. One step at a time. 

 

I'm truly happy for your success, Greatful. Keep up the good work!

[Mia1]

11 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

somewhere deep down I feel like I deserve a brain tumor, for my past choices and behaviors.

When you experience childhood trauma as we did it becomes an automatic response, we continue to abuse ourselves with harshness and judgement. When we learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves we can change the program and instead respond to ourselves with kindness and compassion.

 

I truly believe we are here to learn and grow. How do we do that without making mistakes? We all make them, we’re not perfect and luckily we don’t have to be. To be human is to learn through imperfection. It’s paradoxical, when you can fully accept yourself then you change.

21 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

But, now I'm armed with the techniques I didn't know back then. I'm not very successful yet but I keep trying. One step at a time. 

 

This right here is progress!! Its more of a big deal than you may realize. It’s a great attitude and if you keep trying you absolutely will get there, you can’t fail. We’re all figuring it out one step at a time. I admire your courage ❤️

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

 

22 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

unfortunately I fed a monster a lot today. It is already plenty fat but now it got even fatter. 

Hey at least we still have a sense of humor in the middle of this nightmare.  I really got a good laugh at that.  In fact I think I will make up a slogan.  Maybe I will have to make many copies to put all over and to carry with me...........

Let's see:

Don't feed the monster.  He is plenty fat already...He will keep getting fatter & fatter

 hungrier & hungrier🤢

 

 

I feed him a little 😆  Right now he is very hungry.  I am trying my hardest not to go and feed him.  I have been putting it off for the last 2 hours.  I really want to go check something, but I keep telling myself he will grow............The incredible amount of pull is amazing.  He  tells you  just this one more time, then you will get the what if off of your back.... but you know that is what he says every time.  UGH.

 

I think I would like to trade him in for a dog😅

 

[Surviving82]

Hey @Greatful, yes a little humor goes a long way in all this:) And exactly right, keep putting it off! I have checked and searched so much today but tomorrow i will try to keep putting it off as much as possible. I will go meditate instead if I have to. It will be hard but I hope that I can manage. 

 

@Mia1, I have just completed a meditation for anxiety, where she says "you are in the elevator going down to your subconscious mind". It was a good meditation and at first I was quite engaged. But toward the 2nd half my mind got hijacked with thoughts about brain tumors again. It takes a split second to raise the panic and then its hard to calm down and be present in the moment. But I did it, although I was struggling at times. I imagine it would get easier with practice. I will do another meditation tonight before going to bed. The effect is very subtle, but it does calm me down. Probably would get better when I train myself to be fully present in thr moment instead of in my fears. Also I was trying to separate myself from my thoughts, like physically distance from them in my mind. It didn't work well but I keep trying. I am not my thoughts!!! (Shaman drums) for some reason that meditation still makes me laugh :)))

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, My mind is fighting tooth and nail against this because deep down I still believe that there is a legit threat to my health and I must stay vigilant to detect any symptoms. I hope that meditation will change that. Otherwise I'd never recover:(

[Colonial]

53 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I am terrified that im going to get a brain tumor. Even more terrifying, somewhere deep down I feel like I deserve a brain tumor, for my past choices and behaviors.

 

Hi there.

 

While you don't specifically mention death, it seems maybe you  have a fear dying more than the actual process of suffering.  Did you loose some one early in life in a traumatic way? Like a grandparent dying in a car accident or something? 

 

You said your getting closer to God through all this and that's great. Alot of health anxiety can spring from the subconscious belief we need to be our own savior.  Even though we know we will all die some day we can accidentally be afraid of the inevitable.  I see it happening at times in those who suffered a traumatic loss young in life when we are the most vulnerable t events being outside our control.

 

Continuing to work on your relationship with your creator will be a big bonus Coming to terms as to why He allows us to suffer hardships and loss but still knowing at the end He is the savior of Us, not Us, will go a long way.

 

(Nov 2019 - Feb 2020: fluvoxamine to prevent anxiety/OCD outbreak following birth of my daughter. Had to go off due to constant somnolence.

 

Mid-April 2021: fluoxetine 10mg for 1 week then 20mg for 1 week. Massive side effects, suicidality. Was told to go CT. Side effects gradually started resolving.)

 

This doctor doesn't seem all that smart if he put you back on a drug you already once had an adverse reaction to.

You also seem to follow a much seen pattern of people who seem to be able to go off medications a few times without trouble but the more they tamper with their brain chemistry the more likely they are to it eventually causing massive problems if they continue to press their luck and re try to medicate. 

 

I think at this point, any further drug use by you can be expected to end badly.  I would encourage you to not hold out a contingency plan of ever using them again. I realize your having a rough time of it, but if your still able to work and take care of 4 children, you are luckily not as bad as some unfortunate people who have some horrific debilitating issues and can be bedridden in the dark for months.

 

I'm glad that didn't happen to you. You may progress to healing if you can remove any unnecessary stress out of your weekly schedule.  Obviously You need to take care of the children but a break from work for a period may be a help if your able. Even a weeks vacation if used wisely or taking every other friday or monday off can really help lower the cortisol anxiety. 

 

Hope you continue to progress!

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  You sound so much more confident.  That is great..

Do you mind sharing what meditation you were using?

35 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I am not my thoughts!!! (Shaman drums) for some reason that meditation still makes me laugh :)))

I must be in a giggle mood, I found myself chuckling again.  I like your sense of humor🤣

35 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

Also I was trying to separate myself from my thoughts, like physically distance from them in my mind. It didn't work well but I keep trying.

You should be proud of yourself, look how much you have already accomplished in the last few days.....

I have been working on this, it is pretty neat when you can get it to click and you watch your thoughts and stay a neutral as you can...It does take some practice, lot's of practice as does most of the stuff we are trying to learn.

 

I am so glad that we  all are working together to heal.  @Mia1 is a great teacher.  Thank goodness we found her and she is that much farther ahead of us, so we can learn from her..

[Colonial]

 

On 8/13/2021 at 6:43 PM, Surviving82 said:

I have also ordered a Bible. I never read a Bible before but I want to start. The only good thing thats coming out of it is that I seem to be growing in my faith and getting closer with God. 

I forgot to add there is a really great website that you can listen to the bible while resting or walking, etc.

www.biblegateway.com

 

You can choose from a large host of different versions.

One verse I always found very helpful with upsetting thoughts was from Timothy:

2 Timothy 1: 7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Whenever  anxiety, fear or intrusive thoughts kick up that's a great one to recite back to yourself. 💗

Have a good sleep.

 

[Surviving82]

9 hours ago, Colonial said:

While you don't specifically mention death, it seems maybe you  have a fear dying more than the actual process of suffering.  Did you loose some one early in life in a traumatic way?

Hi, thank you for stopping by. While I did not lose anyone tragically, I was always afraid of death. I still am. Maybe these health anxieties are manifestations of this fear. I do not know how to tackle it other than through getting closer to God. I should have done it a long time ago, but now I feel this overwhelming desire to do it for sure. 

 

9 hours ago, Colonial said:

You said your getting closer to God through all this and that's great. Alot of health anxiety can spring from the subconscious belief we need to be our own savior.  Even though we know we will all die some day we can accidentally be afraid of the inevitable.  I see it happening at times in those who suffered a traumatic loss young in life when we are the most vulnerable t events being outside our control.

 

Continuing to work on your relationship with your creator will be a big bonus Coming to terms as to why He allows us to suffer hardships and loss but still knowing at the end He is the savior of Us, not Us, will go a long way.

Yes, I agree with this. I am trying. While it is hard sometimes because of anxiety and panic but I am doing it to the best of my ability. Thank you so much for stopping by, I appreciate it a lot!

[Mia1]

11 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

But I did it, although I was struggling at times. I imagine it would get easier with practice. I will do another meditation tonight before going to bed. The effect is very subtle, but it does calm me down.

It’s great you’re meditating, definitely keep that up. When you’re first starting out it may seem pointless and your mind may tell you that it’s not working or you’re not doing it right, this is normal. As you keep doing it consistently you’ll be able to create space and feel the effects. And remember there’s no right or wrong way to meditate, just have fun with it and observe what comes up without judgement or attachment.

 

 I’m so happy you’re investing the time in yourself. It’s okay if you feel anxiety or fear from health anxiety. This is a habit that will slowly start to change as you continue to do the work. As you come to accept uncomfortable physical sensations, as well as intrusive unwelcome thoughts, without doing anything to change them, you are on your way to conquering OCD! Meditation is a practice that will help you with this.

 

You’re doing great!!💪

11 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Mia1 is a great teacher.  Thank goodness we found her and she is that much farther ahead of us, so we can learn from her..

Thank you @Greatfulyou’re a pretty good teacher yourself!! I’m really happy we all found each other ❤️

[Nugget97]

Hi @Surviving82 I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I already placed a comment on this thread without fully reading the whole thing and now that I have read your story since coming on here I want to say I know exactly how you feel! My withdrawal induced OCD is not exactly the same as you in terms of what we are obsessing about, (mine are more out there like potentially being a murderer/pedophile, being a lesbian deep down and not having the actual love of my life in my life anymore, and just in general being a horrible person) but I am literally constantly thinking about them with intrusive thoughts. Like you i was beginning to see improvement and was getting super positive I was having windows that lasted over 2 weeks and my waves lasted an odd evening here and there. At the 4 month mark I started getting the what ifs and they started to escalate a bit but it wasn’t until month 6 when I had a massive setback wave that I’m just in constant OCD mode. It truly is horrible my dear and my heart goes out to you because I know exactly how it feels and it’s just all so consuming. I originally went on the meds after surgery because I did suffer with health anxiety which caused shortness of breath so I get the whole health anxiety thing too, thankfully throughout this whole ordeal it hasn’t been too bad which is mad but I remember having to check for lumps and god forbid if I found a spot/lump anywhere I would freak out and immediately google which i know now was the worst thing. Anyway I wish I had something helpful to add in anyway that would ease us through this pain but I thought I’d just let you know you aren’t alone. Having setbacks especially ones that are this big and intense is so disheartening. You aren’t in it alone, prayers and healing to you! 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82   How did your day go?

[Surviving82]

Hi @Greatful, @Nugget97, thank you very much for stopping by and leaving supportive comments and sharing your experiences. It means a world to me that someone is thinking about me. 

 

I am same old, unfortunately. Still battling the same demons. Still struggling to gett hrough the day. OCD, anxiety and depression are getting the best of me (and thr worst too, basically they get me fully). However, there is a huge upside to this. I am finding Jesus Christ in my life. I pray a lot and i accepted Him as my Savior and invited Him to fill me with Holly Spirit. For however long I have left on this earth, I want to fulfill His plan and do good in His name. I was praying to Him this morning and it came to me that my time to do good in His name is now! And instead I waste it worrying and obsessing about my fears. It isn't God's doing for sure. After I realized this, I feel a little better. All I need to do is trust Him and His love for me. Jesus has already won all the battles, we just need to accept Him and trust Him fully. 

 

Thank you for stopping by. I hope that you guys are doing better and better!

[Surviving82]

I am so excited, I will be going to Church this Sunday! I can't wait. I called the Church and their pastor personally called me back and assure that I am welcome to come as I am. I feel this is the right move for me and I'm so excited! Something for me to look forward too!

[Nugget97]

Hi @Surviving82 I am so glad that you are finding your faith through all this. I’m excited for you, and glad that you feel like it’s helping. I would have considered myself a religious person going in to this but I’m struggling with my faith at the moment myself unfortunately. I still talk to god and occasionally pray but I feel so hurt and upset that god allowed this to happen to me that I find myself thinking prayers won’t help me. I used to pray every night and now I rarely do. I find it upsetting because I ask why is this happening to us, why do we deserve this. It’s very hard for me to accept. Sometimes I just think of my situation and cry. I miss my old self and I fear she’s gone. I hate what my mind has become and this OCD or whatever it is has scared the life out of me. I truely hope it’s just the withdrawal as I never had it before hand. 
 

 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  You sound so much more confident in yourself.  I am glad that your are reaching out to God.  Look to him and ask him to lead you out of this darkness.

 

I am happy you are taking steps to find yourself and heal.😊

Keep meditating.

Connect with your inner child and heal her.

Take care of yourself and learn self love (very important)❤️

Don't feed the monster🤐

 

[Mia1]

I’m really happy for you @Surviving82it sounds like you are finding your way out of the darkness. 

4 hours ago, Greatful said:

Keep meditating.

Connect with your inner child and heal her.

Take care of yourself and learn self love (very important)❤️

Don't feed the monster🤐

This is fantastic advice, faith and hard work will get you there❤️💪

[Surviving82]

@Nugget97, @Mia1, @Greatful, @Moonpie, I've had such a wonderful window yesterday in the PM! My worries were diminished and I could relax and just be. I asked God and He answered. Yesterday, I was praying to Him to give me a sign that He is with me and that He loves me. And He did! I slept well but of course as soon as I woke up this morning, the monster is back. I try to surrender my worries to God, so I am anxious but not as much as I used to.

 

I am reading the Bible and here is what God says: PROVERBS 3:11-12: My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correctheth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteths. That there God tells us to be strong and not afraid of suffering. Sometimes, through suffering is the way for us to become closer to God. 

 

Also in PROVERBS 3:25-26: Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. That tells me that I should not be afraid and should not surrender to panic and anxiety, and rely on the Lord to help us through everything. Every time I have panic suddenly come up in my soul, I recite this verse over and over again. 

 

Even despite all this horrific experience, deep down I am happy that it helps me be closer to the Lord. This was long, long overdue. I know God was calling me for a long time, but that is what it took for me to actually HEAR His call. The void in my soul has finally been filled with God. All these drugs I've been on, drugs cannot heal the soul. Only Jesus can heal the soul. Even despite all the anxiety I still have and other things, I am happy that now I am finally on the true path to forever healing. And of course God worked through all of you, ladies. I am FOREVER grateful to all of you for this. 

 

I still meditate and I find it helpful in calming down the overactive mind, silencing the noise and connecting to what truly is in you and with God. But now I do Christian meditations. I recommend to anyone who wants to give it a try!

[Moonpie]

You are doing great Anna!

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

deep down I am happy that it helps me be closer to the Lord. This was long, long overdue. I know God was calling me for a long time, but that is what it took for me to actually HEAR His call. The void in my soul has finally been filled with God. All these drugs I've been on, drugs cannot heal the soul.

I am so happy you found your meaning in all this, it really does help to transform and transcend the suffering. Keep up the good work ❤️

[Mia1]

@Surviving82how are you doing?

[AndyPants]

@Surviving82 your faith is impressive. The years I was on the drug I slowly lost my spiritual side and I haven't felt further from the Lord than I do now.

 

I don't have much to else to offer but always remember you're not alone.

 

 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  You drop right off, are you okay?❤️

[Surviving82]

Hi everyone, sorry I was out for a while. It makes me more anxious to read the website sometimes, as I read about others' symptoms and next day i have them. So I decided to stay back for a little. But I am okay. Better than I was 2 weeks ago thats for sure. I lean on my faith more and more these days. Learning to trust God to take care of me as I'm His child now. Learning to let go of the illusion of control and fully lean on Him to take care of me and protect me. I believe 100% this can eventually rid me of anxiety. But I'm not there yet. Although it gets better every day. But I do still have anxiety and depression and unstable moods, and I cry a lot. Tons of unwanted intrusive thoughts all day long. But now instead of compulsively looking up whatever is that im worried about, I read the Bible, or pray, or journal. Also giving gratitude to God for all the wonderful things that He blessed me with, helps. I see therapist too and go to church 3 times a week. I do have windows most nights starting at around 6pm and lasting until about 4am. Some windows I feel nearly normal, others just get me to feel a tad less anxious. Im thankful to the Lord for whatever He gives me. And taking it 1 day at a time. 

 

Thank you all who has been thinking about me, I appreciate your support a lot. I am praying for all you guys who are suffering. Let peace and God's love be with us all!