Surviving82: My story, WD from antidepressants, please help

[Mia1]

@Surviving82I’m so happy you are doing better and learning to trust and let go, two very important things I think we all must learn in recovery. You are definitely healing, keep trusting and doing the work. ❤️

[Greatful]

@Surviving82 Thank you for replying back, you know we worry about everyone here on SA.❤️

I am glad  are you are finding  peace and the strength to go on day by day.❤️

[Surviving82]

Hi all lovely people. I need to post this update for the record. After much emotional struggles, asking God what to do, asking my pastor, talking with my therapist, asking friends and family, and just searching an answer within myself, I decided that I need to try and reinstate Lexapro. I messaged my doctor to see if she would prescribe me liquid, but in the meantime I made my own liquid (diluted 5mg pill in 5ml of water) and took 1mg (1ml) of that. Now I have been praying that it won't make me worse than I already am. 

 

This isn't an easy decision for me and I have been putting it off for a while, for as long as I could. Sadly, everything that I do is not helping me enough. I feel as if I am clawing my way out of the deep hole, making progress, and then one wrong move and I fall back to the bottom, exhausted and injured. And I have to start over. I feel bad for my kids seeing me cry every day. I feel bad for not enjoying them while they are little and so adorable. I feel guilt for allowing myself to turn into the robot that I am right now. Yes, I am depressed, and anxious, and I can't get out of this vicious circle. Lexapro used to work well on me when I took it, so I am desperately wishing that it can help me get out of this dark place.

 

If anyone reading this is a believer, please pray for me that Lexapro doesn't make me too sick with side effects and that it will eventually help me. I took 1mg today and God willing and barring any unbearable side effects, I will stay on 1mg for at least 1 week before considering increasing to 2 mg. If I do get side effects, I will wait for them to subside before considering a dose increase. Thank you everyone for reading this and God bless!

 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

 

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

This isn't an easy decision for me and I have been putting it off for a while, for as long as I could.

You should not feel bad about reinstating.  You have to do what is right for you.  You have a young family and if this helps you be there, then that's what you need to do.  You can get yourself back into one piece and when you are ready, you can try again at a super slow pace.

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I will stay on 1mg for at least 1 week before considering increasing to 2 mg.

I really think you should connect with a mod and let them help you with this.  Sometimes people up it to fast and then run into problems.  I think it takes 4 days to reach level amount and then a little longer for your brain to register it?  Not sure if I have that correct.

@Go2zero  @Altostrata @brassmonkey

 

Thanks for the up date and please keep us posted❤️

We are all here for you

[Mia1]

@Surviving82 There is nothing but love and understanding for you here. You are going to be okay no matter what you decide to do. Whatever decision you make be at peace with it and be kind to yourself. And don’t ever forget how strong you really are ❤️💪

[Colonial]

If 1mg is too harsh try 0.5.

Praying.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Surviving82

 

How do you feel, having taken 1mg Lexapro?

 

On 8/11/2021 at 11:25 AM, Surviving82 said:

.....

I have very similar physical symptoms left to what you describe, mainly head pressure, buzzing, and dizziness. Also weakness in the arms and legs too, that comes and goes. I used to have MUCH more so I have to be thankful at least the physical aspect is improving. I guess some days are just worse than others. Oh here we go, tears again. Ugh. 

 

It is also the 1st day of my period that started unexpectedly a week early. So I bet that plays into it too. SSRI was blunting my PMS but now it is getting back at me full force...

 

When was it that you "used to have MUCH more" of these symptoms? Are they still worse around your period?

 

Since you went off all your drugs on June 8, have you taken any antibiotics, had any alcoholic drinks, smoked cigarettes, taken other drugs, etc.?

[Surviving82]

@Altostrata, it's been more than 6 hours since I took escitalopram, and so far I don't feel any different than usual. 

 

My physical symptoms have subsided quite a bit. I do still have some head pressure, tiredness, and racing heart, but they are much more manageable. I reinstated escitalopram because of the affective symptoms - anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts. These are really bad. No, I do not feel much worse around my period lately. In fact, I usually am surprised when it comes. Since June 8, I've been having a few alcoholic drinks here and there. However, alcohol makes me feel much worse the next day so I do not drink it anymore. Other than that, I only take my usual thyroid medicine, multivitamin + vitamin D (per doc advice), and occasionally 1mg of melatonin for sleep. 

[Altostrata]

I'm sorry to tell you, your occasional alcoholic drink may have caused many of your symptoms in the last several months. When did you last drink alcohol?

 

While anxiety and depression may be withdrawal symptoms, they are also under your control to some extent, in that they may be emotional reactions to your symptoms and life events. 

 

We recommend reinstatement to address withdrawal symptoms, not to treat "depression". 

 

Your symptom pattern indicates you did not get off scot-free from abruptly going off your drugs in June. You've had withdrawal symptoms all along.

 

13 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

My physical symptoms have subsided quite a bit. I do still have some head pressure, tiredness, and racing heart, but they are much more manageable.

 

How have your physical symptoms changed in the last month? When did you reinstate 1mg Lexapro? Please add this to your signature.

[Surviving82]

@Altostrata, last I had alcohol 1 week ago. I felt bad the next day and i threw out all alcohol from the house. No more.

 

I definitely had wd symptoms. Part of what im going through is wd but part is my own pattern of thinking. I recognize it very clearly from an attack 6 years ago. But I think that wd makes it much more severe, like an amplifier. That is why I decided to reinstate, to see if it helps with the wd symptoms. Today was my first dose of it. Can you recommend any further course of action? If I don't feel anything from this dose let's say in 1 week, should I go up to 2mg?

 

Physical symptoms in the last month kind of stay the same. They change a little bit but in general not much. Perhaps slowly fade in the intensity but it is hard to say. The fading used to be much more dramatic but now it is kind of stabilized a bit.

[Altostrata]

Please let us know how you're doing over a week of 1mg escitalopram. 

 

As I said, you may have been causing symptom flares all along with the occasional alcohol drink. It may take your system some time to settle down from these upsets.

[InChristAlone]

Prayers! Hang in there. God has a plan in all this. You will heal with time!

[Surviving82]

@Altostrata, thanks I will! So far 2 doses in and I do not feel any side effects. I may feel a little bit of mood improvement but it is hard to say. I will update later on!

[Surviving82]

3 hours ago, InChristAlone said:

Prayers! Hang in there. God has a plan in all this. You will heal with time!

@InChristAlone, thank you so much! I definitely agree that God has a plan. After all, I came to God through all this so that alone is worth it 1000 times over. I know God is with us along the way in this too. No matter how hard it all may seem, God is with us and Jesus has suffered through all of this too. We will get better! 

[Colonial]

It's wonderful to see a positive spiritual outlook on suffering and first principles of life and existence.

 

Members who repeatedly make posts "blaming" God or complaining He hasn't "rescued" them tend to have a much harder time with their recovery in both symptoms and timeline to feeling better.

 

I think a lot of the fear of the actual symptoms themselves goes past the cortisol chemical anxiety and lack of acceptance of WD problems runs much deeper than the particular matter at hand and go straight to the heart of the person's world view on first principles and core philosophical and existential beliefs:

 

"Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Where do I look for meaning in tough times? Do I fear death?

 

To be fair, while life is going well, many people don't feel the need to bother to work those things out and tend to just go with childhood or general beliefs on the world. It's not until you run into a brick wall that what you "thought" you believed is tested.

 

But you see many people loose their faith in God as they believed in Him, for their personal suffering, yet it never bothered their world view that suffering and injustice goes on around them everyday. Some are quite shocked such things would happen to them personally, as if they were different than the rest of humanity. 

 

It seems the longer it takes people to work out their resentment with their higher power, the longer it delays their physical recovery, which makes sense considering how much of our emotional and physical state is affected by negative thinking, which in turn comes from deep down negative core beliefs.

 

[Phoenixmama]

@Colonial ❤️

[Mia1]

How are you feeling @Surviving82?

[Surviving82]

Hi all! I am ready for an update. I started at 1mg and have gradually worked up to 2.5mg escitalopram (liquid) in the span of 3 weeks. The first week I didn't feel anything changing. The next week was a bit of the ups and downs, there were brief periods of perceived improvements and then I'd feel even worse than before. But I just kept going. And the 3rd week, is when I started feeling clear improvements. My awful cortisol rushes are fully gone. The electricity buzzing/running feeling is mostly gone. Head pressure/buzzing/spinning is gone to a large extent. The world collapsing panic I used to have most of the day is now only brief and seems to be going away. Crushing depression is lifting. OCD intrusive thoughts are a lot better. I am even regaining interest in life again, something I thought will NEVER happen. As I am typing this I cannot even fully believe that these things are happening. When I started I didn't believe much that this will work, much less at such a low dose and so fast. In my view this is nothing short of a miracle. 

 

I remember the times a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago, when everything was so dark, I didn't see any hope at all. But I was praying to the Lord: Dear Father, although I don't see light at the end of this tunnel, but I know that You do. And I know that You have a plan for all this. I am just going to trust You that You will guide me to help me get better. And He did! Praise the Lord, for if you ask in faith, He always answers. 

 

One can say, well we know that reinstatement can work so it is not something miraculous. But to that I respond that I tried reinstatement twice before, with 2 different drugs. And failed miserably. That was when I tried to do things on my own. But truly it is God who directed me this time to do exactly what I need to do to succeed. Of course He worked through many channels, including this board, and my friends, and my pastor, and directing me in doing my own research about this. On my own I can't do anything, but with God, all things are possible! 

 

I hope that everybody is doin well!

[Surviving82]

On 9/10/2021 at 3:55 PM, Colonial said:

"Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Where do I look for meaning in tough times? Do I fear death?

Yes, I have been working out these questions a lot. Especially about the fear of death. And other phobias, such as of brain cancer. These are my longstanding phobias from much earlier that I left buried deep down and never really addressed. But now with God's help I am facing them. FEAR = Face Everything And Recover. 

 

@Colonial, do you think about these questions? 

[Surviving82]

On 9/10/2021 at 3:55 PM, Colonial said:

But you see many people loose their faith in God as they believed in Him, for their personal suffering, yet it never bothered their world view that suffering and injustice goes on around them everyday. Some are quite shocked such things would happen to them personally, as if they were different than the rest of humanity. 

@Colonial, sadly we live in the fallen world where pain and suffering do not spare anyone. But we need to remember that God is always good, regardless of how we feel or what is going on in our lives. Many times we bring it on ourselves too. But if we ask Him in faith to help us, He always will. 

[Mia1]

I’m so happy you’re feeling better, thanks for the update ❤️

[Phoenixmama]

I’m happy for you ☺️ @surviving82 💞💞💞

[Colonial]

11 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

do you think about these questions? 

 

I think the fear of suffering and death are predicated on a lack of bedrock ontological and epistemological issues. For that discussion, one can and should to some extent separate pain and illness from suffering.  

 

One can be sick, or in pain, or in WD, but that is not, in many ways the same a suffering. Suffering is something deeper that occurs when one has no framework for their life's existence and as to why unpleasant things and illness, pain and death occur.  Without an understanding and acceptance of why our or any life fits in that greater frame work leaves some to not accept things that come their way at a very core issue.  These are the ones that, not at the beginning, but over time continue to not be able to except that a catastrophe occurred in their lives or around them in the family or society. These are the people who end up not healing well, and actually traumatize themselves more than the actual incident event, and they remain in that perpetual state of denial and how unfair life is, remunerating all day about everything they lost and the good life they used to have.

 

Some, like yourself eventually find a deeper connection to the why's in life, and while no one would wish misfortune on themselves, they also, if their honest, know that the tribulation was a growth process that made them into a better, stronger, more ethical person than they were before.  That does not mean those seeds were not always their in the person's character, but it is not until calamity strikes that you see the truth of either yourself or another person, and hw they react indicates more of their bedrock beliefs in life without even having to have a conversation with them.

 

All men are tried by adversity, and while it is true we all make mistakes, it is not always possible to look at a life and "line up" where our mistakes caused our own suffering. We often look for simplistic cause and effect to answers to misfortune when, in reality, issues tend to run much deeper.  One can say: " Well they got diabetes because they ate too much", and fail to see the deeper issue of why they were always over  eating comfort foods.

 

Our actions tend to reflect the internal state of the soul and spirit, and I think pride, unforgiveness, and lack of an understanding of life's mission lead to what people would claim are the malfunctioning behaviors or bad decisions as to why they led themselves down dangerous paths.  That being accepted, we are all born as the frog already in the boiling water. We all grow in an Alice and Wonderland looking glass where our first perceptions are formed by family and culture. Many are led into deceptions that cause pain and hardship through no fault of their own.  One can look at any child who was drugged on multiply psych meds before the age of 13 or any other person harmed by a med who never received "informed consent" in any meaningful way to the risks of drugs as one example of an entire society from a very early age taken advantage of and see one manifestation of the perpetual state of slavery most human beings have to endure.  But life altering deceptions come in many forms, a cheating spouse, a totalitarian government, etc. 

 

But I think one of the greatest perpetual sufferings one can inflict on themselves in this life is putting off  inquiring and wrestling with those first principles of life, for without a firm belief of why one is here and where one is going after and why, that perpetual state of spiritual limbo is the cause of a greater totality of their suffering  and fear than anything the outside world can throw at them. For until than, any challenge or pain and conflict will subconsciously remind them they are not in control of the greater part of their existence and lead to constant panic and fear of their eventual death, which is the only thing we are sure of will eventually come to us as our proper possession. Knowing how one is to live those hours and days until that final hour arrives is of more value than avoiding pain or suffering.

 

 

[Altostrata]

Wow, @Colonial, those are some deep thoughts 😊

[Mia1]

Beautifully stated @Colonial❤️

[Colonial]

@Altostrata @Mia1

 

Thanks.

One of my few: "Even the broken clock is right twice a day" moments.

 

[Mia1]

How are you feeling?