Urchinowl My story with zoloft, ocd, panic disorder

[Urchinowl]

Hello!

 

Wanted to share my long history here, in order to gather some support as I'm finding it very hard to find others to relate to what I've been going through. I'll share some of my history and hope I can get some support and feedback. I will say that I'm actually a therapist, who's been modeled and taught about "chemical imbalances" and dsm criteria..symptomology..etc. and honestly I felt having this knowledge is actually NOT HELPFUL and makes me overthink everything. 

 

AGE 9- saw many psychologists, therapists, etc for panic attacks and ((now)) what I'm realizing is OCD. Ocd manifested itself as a tiny child in extreme panic over my health. I'd hold my breath around people who smoked. I'd have a panic attack if the kid next to me had poison ivy. I'd worry myself sick before school everyday, tantrums, vomiting, etc. I will say that I am not aware of ANY trauma that had occurred that would have sparked this within me. 

 

AGE 10-15- I continued to have ocd, anxiety, but found it somewhat manageable just dealing with it myself.  I continued to see therapists of all kinds. Nothing was super effective. I also remember having periods of depersonalization around this age which was extremely terrifying and no one understood, even some therapists. 

 

AGE 16- Turning point for me. The anxiety turned into full blown panic attacks where I'd vomit. I got them at school everyday, and would eat lunch in the principals office to cope. I eventually began to avoid going to school...avoid my friends..etc..leading to full blown agoraphobia with daily panic attacks. I was hopeless, crying, terrified.. I was started on zoloft, 25mg. The timing is really blurry regarding my symptoms and I'm not sure where in this mess I started zoloft. Nonetheless, I do remember when starting telling my mom I felt a bit like a zombie. No other physical symptoms.  I continued to have anxiety and dose was increased to 75mg.

 

AGE 17-slowly but surely began opening my world again. Returned to school, got my driver's license..etc. anxiety STILL existed for sure but I refused to increase my dose.

 

??- remained on zoloft for many years...I did have periods of relapses despite being on zoloft. I struggled with pure ocd with intrusive thoughts, depersonalization periods, panic attacks, crying spells. The duration was usually short..maybe a month and I'd be good as new. I've traveled to Hawaii, opened my own therapy clinic, and I'm getting married soon. Life was great!

 

DECEMBER 2020- I decided, with seeing the same psychologist, to taper off zoloft as I was very stable and honestly didn't think it was even doing anything for me. I wanted off to begin to have kids.. I have a strong dislike for psychiatrists, and my GP is basically useless regarding this area, so I chose to do it myself through Google searches. Unfortunately, I didn't see this susriving antidepressants website until AFTER tapering off. I tapered from 75mg to 0mg.

 

MARCH 12 2021- Officially off of zoloft. I'll be real, the tapering process was easy as heck. I had little if any symptoms and actually felt BETTER! thus, the quick taper due to no symptoms.

 

My ((assuming withdrawal??)) Symptoms did not start until about a month after discontinuation.  It started first with very mild anxiety attacks about things that yes, usually made me anxious, but would not lead to a full attack.  My OCD thoughts began to have a lot more physiological response from me. Example: around April, I had convinced (although I know it's not true) myself I had breast cancer because I **thought ** I felt a lump. There isn't one. But that led me to a huge breakdown. This led to almost a existential crisis, as I began to become TERRIFIED of death. This morphed into my brain creating 3839373838 scenarios of everything that could ever go wrong in my whole life (family dying, my fiance leaving me, getting terminally ill..losing my job..car accidents.. etc). Lots of racing, terrifying thoughts. I completely lost my appetite and lost 7 pounds. This led to insomnia which i have NEVER.HAD.BEFORE.EVER. I'd fall asleep to be awoken by a jolt of panic. I couldn't sleep more then 1 to 2 hours at a time without a full blown panic attack, calming myself down for an hour just to do it all over.  I became extremely fatigued. I cried everyday. Literally bawled my eyes out everyday. 

 

Then, the crying and moodiness turned into depersonalization, numbness and total disconnection. I suspect my brain just being overwhelmed and trying to recover. This, honestly, was the worst of all feelings because its very isolating and alone. I couldn't find happiness in anything or joy. I lost all interest in my hobbies or doing anything. 

 

Throughout the above, I continued with my psychologist. She was helpful, but I didn't feel much relief. She talked to a psychiatrist, he recommended me NOT go back on zoloft at all, and to start Pristique or lexapro. I declined both. I had a feeling what I was dealing with was withdrawal not a relapse.. but I'm not sure. Ithe psychiatrist said that there's no way it was withdrawal as it had been 2 montjs out of my system.. i talked to my GP and she recommended I go back on 50mg zoloft, told me the same thing, that this was a relapse in my mental health and not withdrawal. Again, I fought her on this as I felt that jump was way too huge to restart. We compromised at 25. I took 12.5 for a few days and felt fine, and upped to 25mg 5 days ago.

 

Since then, this is where I'm at:

-- I wake up in the morning with dread. The dread is much much less then 1 month ago with less physical symptoms. 

--i go into autopilot/depersonalization and get to work, feed myself, etc.i have no appetite, this has consisted for 1 month now. I'm no longer crying all day like I was. I feel numb.

--around 11am I take my 25mg zoloft

--feel spaced out, disconnected. I do have periods of anxiousness, but instead of full blown physiological symptoms they manifest more just like a racing heart, weird tingly feelings in my brain, and I would say the anxiety is much more short lived...maybe only 5 minutes versus 30. Definitely still present but I would say reduced for sure. I feel apathetic. Like nothing is interesting. I'm going through motions.

--around 7 or 8pm, I feel a shift in my mood. It turns to silly..maybe excited? Playful. It's short lived, but it exists and occurs to me as a relief.

--9pm- take melatonin and attempt to sleep. I fall asleep easily, but only for a few hours before I awaken every hour feeling like I'm not tired anymore. This happened before restarting zoloft and has continued.

 

My question are as follows:

1. I have never ever ever struggled with insomnia or apathy before. Ever. I'm usually the anxious over ambitious type. Is apathy, depersonalization, etc a result from over stress or could it be withdrawal? Will these symtpms subside? How long do they usually last?

2. Recommendations for help with insomnia and apathy. I walk 1 mile a day. I avoid caffiene. Go to bed same time everyday. Box fan, black out lights, cool temperature. 

2. Should I continue on 25mg zoloft? For how long? 

3. Am I doing everything i should be?

 

 

 My goal is to feel like myself again. Period. Not sure if that means going off all antidepressants or remaining on for life. I have no idea. Ideally I'd love to ve off, but I'm at a time of my life (marriage, having children, etc.) That feeling like garbage for 2 years is not going to work if that's what being off them means. 

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Urchinowl.

 

Emotional anesthesia or apathy is a common adverse effect of long-term antidepressants and may emerge as a withdrawal symptom. Depersonalization, disorientation, and sharp surges of "anxiety" out of the blue are well-known withdrawal symptoms, as is insomnia.

 

That these symptoms have lessened a bit recently is a positive indication your withdrawal syndrome is lessening. 

 

It sounds like in the evening, the Zoloft wears off a little and you get a change in symptom pattern. If you felt fine at 12.5mg, why did you increase to 25mg? Withdrawal syndrome is not "depression" and shouldn't be treated strenuously.

 

To cope with withdrawal syndrome, you will need to get your health anxiety in hand. Strongly suggest you pursue therapy for this, as it might crop repeatedly as your symptoms change and mutate, which withdrawal syndrome will do. CBT might help.

 

[Urchinowl]

I increased before coming to this website. Had no idea that I was in withdrawal until after I had found this website. I seriously thought I was having a relapse, and thus, followed my doctors advise which, he actually wanted me to start on 50mg!! 

 

Considering I'm already at 25mg for 1 week and feeling much more stable, should I continue here for a few months before considering a muchhhhh slower taper? 

 

I am actually a CBT therapist. It's helpful, ish, except when I have to do cbt 2i394u833 times a day with myself. I'm considering a therapy called exposure and prevention therapy. I also have a psychologist I see weekly..mildly effective. Considering my symptoms are not related to psychosocial circumstances.

[Altostrata]

6 minutes ago, Urchinowl said:

Considering I'm already at 25mg for 1 week and feeling much more stable, should I continue here for a few months before considering a muchhhhh slower taper? 

 

Over the week, did you feel progressively better? It takes about 4 days for a Zoloft increase to get to stable blood level.

 

Yes, after you feel confident your withdrawal symptoms have resolved, you can taper more gradually, probably with the prescription Zoloft liquid.

 

You will need to manage your health anxiety, because there are a lot of unknowns in this process and your doctor is unlikely to be of any help.

[Kevman2112]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents about therapy.  I had been seeing a psychologist for some time who treated with typical CBT.  I only got worse during this time.  I had panic attacks in social situations and severe health anxiety. I decided to try a center that specializes in anxiety and ocd, and specifically use exposure with response prevention.  I found this method to be far more helpful and improved greatly.  It took a while for me, about a year before I started to see the results.  It’s an extremely uncomfortable way to improve but in my opinion is the best for long lasting and drug free improvement. 
I found with typical CBT, I could never “logic” my way out of anxiety, particularly health anxiety.  It didn’t matter that based on my age and health that I was extremely low risk for a heart attack.  Exposure with response prevention forced my brain to recognize that not taking action was not dangerous.  
 

Hope that helps guide your decision.

[Urchinowl]

6 hours ago, Kevman2112 said:

Just wanted to add my 2 cents about therapy.  I had been seeing a psychologist for some time who treated with typical CBT.  I only got worse during this time.  I had panic attacks in social situations and severe health anxiety. I decided to try a center that specializes in anxiety and ocd, and specifically use exposure with response prevention.  I found this method to be far more helpful and improved greatly.  It took a while for me, about a year before I started to see the results.  It’s an extremely uncomfortable way to improve but in my opinion is the best for long lasting and drug free improvement. 
I found with typical CBT, I could never “logic” my way out of anxiety, particularly health anxiety.  It didn’t matter that based on my age and health that I was extremely low risk for a heart attack.  Exposure with response prevention forced my brain to recognize that not taking action was not dangerous.  
 

Hope that helps guide your decision.

Yes, thank you so much! This is exactly the treatment I was going to look into next.  I'll be honest it's a bit scary thinking about going through with it as I face these fears head on. 

 

I'm getting married in 2 weeks.. but after that I'm considering giving this a try. Because yes, cbt not effective for obsessive ruminations because logically I know everything I'm thinking is irrational.  But the what ifs KILL me, and the constant questioning of should I be taking action. I suspect the what ifs is what got me to reinstate my medication, fear of not taking action and attempting to control. 

 

Thanks for your feed back. 

[Urchinowl]

On 6/8/2021 at 5:25 PM, Altostrata said:

 

Over the week, did you feel progressively better? It takes about 4 days for a Zoloft increase to get to stable blood level.

 

Yes, after you feel confident your withdrawal symptoms have resolved, you can taper more gradually, probably with the prescription Zoloft liquid.

 

You will need to manage your health anxiety, because there are a lot of unknowns in this process and your doctor is unlikely to be of any help.

Yes ... by "better" I would say my anxiety is a 3/10 versus 7/10. I had an appetite today and I slept better then usual last night.

 

No significant change in my mood however which remains "meh" and kind of numb. 

 

I suspect then I'll stay on this dose for at least a month to stabilize and then discuss taper. 

[Altostrata]

3 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

Yes ... by "better" I would say my anxiety is a 3/10 versus 7/10. I had an appetite today and I slept better then usual last night.

 

 

This is good enough for "better".

 

As for feeling "meh", see above discussion of emotional anesthesia or apathy. You were on Zoloft for 15 years. It may take a long time for the emotional anesthesia to resolve. That's the price of long-term antidepressant treatment, but almost always misdiagnosed as "relapse".

[Catwoman35]

Hi Urchinowl,

 

I am sorry to read you are dealing with a similar thing I deal with. It´s great reinstatement is working for you! I know numbness is not the most pleasant feeling but trust me, I would gladly have it over this anxious feeling. I applaud you for not going down the benzo route! I can imagine how difficult it was to through anxiety and panic attacks without anything. 🙏 Funny thing you mention you are a therapist. I am not a therapist but I have been reading about psychology/psychiatry for years out of personal interest. And yet, we cannot help ourselves. I am also working with a therapist but not sure it´s working out. She´s specialized in integrative psychodynamic psychotherapy. 

 

Congrats on getting married soon! I remember how exciting that is! I hope your partner is supportive, I noticed my husband can affect my moods a lot. People who never experienced anxiety usually have a problem understanding what it is about. And some men just want to "fix" things or they get frustrated. Anyhow, I think you are in good hands with Alto and people on this forum who know way more about this than I do. Just wanted to offer some support. As cliché as it sounds, this too shall pass. 💜

[Urchinowl]

33 minutes ago, Catwoman35 said:

know numbness is not the most pleasant feeling but trust me, I would gladly have it over this anxious feeling

I agree with you. I initially responded before I deleted my response saying sometimes I think being anxious is better.  But I disagree relooking at it. When I'm anxious, i feel disconnected from myself. When I'm numb I'm still and maybe a bit more disconnected from myself, but much more comfortable and functional. 

 

I will saybbeing anxious I do connect better with others. I miss crying, as tough as it felt, I usually always felt a cathartic release which was very pleasant.  However being less anxious I have less to cry about so I haven't cried probably in 2 weeks now. I was crying every single day and night and middle of the night!!

 

I promise you it will get better as it did for me. Once the anxiety settles...then the sleep and appetite and physical sensations settled...and now I'm still waiting on my mood and energy levels to catch up!

[Urchinowl]

On 6/9/2021 at 10:08 PM, Altostrata said:

This is good enough for "better

Good. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's better or worse.

 

I just did thr math, based on doing 10 percent reduction every month...I'm looking at it taking 2 years to withdrawal from zoloft 25mg!! I am in total shock...because I did 75mg in 3 months!!! I'm kicking myself for not finding this site sooner as I would have 100 percent followed the 10 percent rule to be able to hopefully lessen many of the side effects.

 

It actually gives me great comfort to go that slow.

 

My plan at this time is to hold steady at 25 for 2 months....until I'm done with my wedding and honeymoon

 

Sleep is still not great but I am sleeping 5 hours at least. Reinstatement has not resolved my sleep issue YET. Appetite remains around 60 percent better. Anxiety is around 75 percent better since reinstatement ((as of now)). And yesterday! Had a window where anhedonia much less present! I actually got into an argument with my fiance which ((sounds not good)) but the fact that I felt irritation was pleasurable.  I also felt a bit teary eyed on the phone with my psychologist which turned to slight happiness at the end. The fact that I got geary eyed again, is hope that this numbness it just a stage.

 

New symptom however- restless legs last night. I couldn't fall asleep sue to it being uncomfortable.  I am certain this is due to zoloft which I know to be a much more activating antidepressant. 

[Altostrata]

What time o'clock do you take Zoloft and when does the restless leg symptom occur?

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Magnesium in particular is good to relax restless legs. Also, drink plenty of water.

[siderale]

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Magnesium in particular is good to relax restless legs.

Sorry to "barge in" but I didn't know this, worth a try. My mom is on antidepressants and she is fine with them, however her restless legs syndrome is worsened by them! She takes a very efficient medication for it but it has weird secondary effects... I will tell her to try magnesium, we never know!

 

20 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

I just did thr math, based on doing 10 percent reduction every month...I'm looking at it taking 2 years to withdrawal from zoloft 25mg!! I am in total shock...because I did 75mg in 3 months!!! I'm kicking myself for not finding this site sooner as I would have 100 percent followed the 10 percent rule to be able to hopefully lessen many of the side effects.

Honestly, same. It's insane how it seems so "worldwide" as well to just never plan withdrawal syndrome when you tell your patient they can stop medication!!!

I actually feel much more at peace reading how it might be better for one to try reinstating and then taper off suuuuper slowly. I'm glad to see you are having windows and a wider array of emotions, Urchinowl. Good luck!!

[Urchinowl]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What time o'clock do you take Zoloft and when does the restless leg symptom occur?

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Magnesium in particular is good to relax restless legs. Also, drink plenty of water.

I take zoloft at a really random time...12pm (noon) and that day felt thr restless legs around 11pm. 

 

However, last night, absolutely no restless legs. Hopefully just a weird phenomenon for one day, but I will keep thr magnesium in mind. I also definitely am NOT drinking enough water. Thanks for thr reminder.

[Urchinowl]

3 hours ago, siderale said:

23 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

hopefully lessen many of the side effects.

Honestly, same. It's insane how it seems so "worldwide" as well to just never plan withdrawal syndrome when you tell your patient they can stop medication!!!

To be fair, i have never seen a psychiatrist. I also did not taper under a doctor's orders as my GP is literally useless in this area *helpful in others*. She wanted me to restart zoloft at 50mg!! When I did my reinstatement she told me it was a relapse.

 

Talked with family last night, both my sisters also on antidepressants and again, tried to convince me this was 100 percent a mental health relapse. Do I think yes, my natural anxiety showed through? Absolutely. But the anhdeonia/numbness and insomnia were never ever ever ever something I had ever dealt with and I 100 percent blame withdrawal. My sleep, even with reinstatement is basically mediocre at best and not even close to where it was. I accept it may be this way for life or for months or years. Luckily I can manage of 4 to 5 hours of sleep although I realllyyyy want a day with 8

[siderale]

Reinstatement is still recent for you; hopefully you sleep will be better soon! It for sure is terrible to try and cope with any symptoms if you sleep terribly!

I consider myself so damn lucky that withdrawal somehow left my sleep almost intact. I cherish my luck!!

Again, best of luck with the reinstatement. Hope things will be more and more stable for you ☀

[Altostrata]

9 hours ago, siderale said:

She takes a very efficient medication for it but it has weird secondary effects... I will tell her to try magnesium, we never know!

 

This is probably another drug that incurs physiological dependency and needs to be tapered. Your mother might benefit from leg stretches, too.

[Urchinowl]

On 6/12/2021 at 1:38 PM, siderale said:

Reinstatement is still recent for you; hopefully you sleep will be better soon! It for sure is terrible to try and cope with any symptoms if you sleep terribly!

Last night I fell asleep at 10...woke up at 7am! One period of awakening where I easily drifted back to sleep. 

 

Granted I was exhausted from partying at my Bachelorette party... but this Is a milestone!

 

Only thing I've noticed is my brain ALWAYS wakes up st 630. Even with a sleep mask and blacked out room. I legit cannot sleep past 630 even when exhausted. So going to bed earlier helps with that annoying feature.

[Altostrata]

Good idea, to go to bed earlier. It may take a while for your system to stop being so sensitive to early morning light, which is what wakes people up.

 

It sounds like your nervous system is settling down from withdrawal. This can take weeks or months.

 

Please do not drink alcohol while experiencing withdrawal or other adverse effects of psychiatric drugs, it probably will make your symptoms much worse.

[Urchinowl]

Some waves these past few days. I feel like I get waves and windows in the same day?

 

1. I started my period. I noticed anxiety creeping very slightly this past week. I've read periods can increase withdrawal symtpons and I've had pms my whole life. Increased intrusive thoughts which are manageable...I'd describe them as mostly just uncomfortable but not terrible.

 

2. Randomly I'll just feel sad. I'll get a thought like "someday I'll die and none of this will matter". Then I feel sad, and then anxious about having the thought.  Then I wallow for a few minutes and it goes away. Then it comes back. And I do this over and over. I have never ever ever had these thoughts before. I know these thoughts are NOT ME and thus, the anxiety creeps in as I overanalyze these thoughts and their meaning..of they'll get worse..etc. I'm learning how to not over analyze my thoughts and allow them to drift but it is indeed a really big learning curve for me.

 

3. 2 days this week I forgot zoloft. Monday I forgot to take it in the morning, so I took it in the evening and switched to taking it in the evening.a last NIGHT I forgot to take it in the evening...and so I'm going to take it thus morning and keep it to the morning! I feel like taking it at night, I have more symptoms of anxiousness during the day...almost like maybe it's wearing off? Is this possible? Does time of day make a big difference with these medications?

 

4. Appetite remains normal..a teeny bit decreased but definitely manageable.  I have not had insomnia in a week now. I fall asleep within 10 minutes, and I stay asleep until 6am. However, even with a mask and pitch black room, my brain has a cortisol spike at 6am and I am unable to return to sleep even if I'm super sleepy. I'm using using this my advantage and just chilling in bed on my phone which is actually pretty relaxing.

 

5. Derealization continues. I'm OK with it now as it comes in and out. Obviously the more I think about it the more it comes. I've accepted it now, but in my anxiety spikes I have irrational fears that I'll feel this way forever.

 

I suspect these small waves this week to be contributed to:

1. Starting my period

2. Inconsistencies with zoloft

3. Stress? (I get married in 8 days)

4. I've been dabbling with caffiene (I know, I know..best to avoid..I'm learning)

 

[siderale]

Hello Urchinowl, and congrats for soon getting married!!

 

5 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

the anxiety creeps in as I overanalyze these thoughts and their meaning..of they'll get worse..etc. I'm learning how to not over analyze my thoughts and allow them to drift but it is indeed a really big learning curve for me

 

The sole fact that you already try to rationalise them is huge. It is normal to have negative, circling thoughts, everyone has some at certain points, we are just more sensitive to them sometimes due to many factors. It's the toughest thing, but it is indeed important to try and not overanalyse them, just let them in and out even if they are recurrent. They are indeed not you, and they will disappear.

 

I'm glad to read you work your way around the early waking up/cortisol spike. Hope your sleep remains stable.

 

5 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

in my anxiety spikes I have irrational fears that I'll feel this way forever.

 

This hits home. I think it is very common in withdrawal/stabilising periods. We are unable to truly "get used" to feeling bad (which in a way is reassuring!), so we fear it will remain like this forever, but it won't. The sky will clear out, little by little. Sometimes, like you said, it can just be through windows in a single day... I have those, lately, today I felt O.K. and since the end of this afternoon I feel pretty down. But tomorrow is another day. The road is bumpy but it continues for each of us!

 

[Greatful]

@Urchinowl How are you doing.  How was the wedding?  Drop us a quick post to feel us in.😊

[Urchinowl]

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Urchinowl How are you doing.  How was the wedding?  Drop us a quick post to feel us in.😊

Everything went wonderful. Just got back from a 2 week honeymoon. I still have random sad or negative thoughts which began during withdrawal but I'm learning how to easily dismiss them. Staying present focusing on meditation, mindfulness, has been my biggest tool in my tool box.

 

Huge pattern I've noticed is my pms mood and anxiety being way worse then it's ever been. I can literally tell when my period is about to start due to a dramatic shift in my mood.

[siderale]

This is wonderful to hear Urchinowl! It is so great you could enjoy your wedding and honeymoon- congratulations again! It's also a good thing that meditation and mindfulness help. I don't know about you, but in my case I doubt I would have tried these had I not been through this withdrawal. A good thing amidst the bad ones...

 

I noticed the same with my PMS. My mood swings are crazy, anxiety through the roof. It does make sense I believe given how sensitive we must be as we taper/experience withdrawal, and hormones are very powerful.

 

Hope your stabilisation continues and your symptoms get more and more manageable. Keep it up!

[Greatful]

@Urchinowl  I am glad you were able to stabilize and enjoy your wedding and 2 week honeymoon.  I am sorry about the hormone mood swings.  I am lucky to be past the period stage,  but I still get some up and downs through the month. Not sure why since I am not having my period anymore.  Of course now the W/D will make everything more intense.    Biology at it finest. 

Take care of yourself and keep us in the loop😊 

[Urchinowl]

Just another update for everyone!

 

I believe I went through a big big window recently but am now in a tiny wave again.

 

I remain on 25mg zoloft and have not yet decided if I want to taper off now or in a year. I have lots of fear regarding tapering off due to my horrible neuro emotions at my last taper.

 

Window: probably a few weeks ago. I'd say it was about 1 week long. I felt SUPER motivated. The old monica. Getting tasks done, creating things, feeling full excitement and actually had libido! I felt like me. 

 

Wave: past week. This wave is nothing like past waves in that it is much less intense yet noticable.

--Began with 1 night waking up in a random panic attack. 

--OCD existential thoughts coming in and out throughout the day. Why do I exist? Is this all real? What's my purpose? 

--a mild case of anhedonia. Very mild. I'm definitely not sad or numb and feel emotions but emotions are less noticable if that Makes sense. My happiness is like a very mild version where it was pure excitement 1 week ago.

-- difficulty with executive function,  I'm either hyper focused on something or pacing around trying to figure out what task next and feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's hard to prioritize things or feel as motivated as 1 week ago. But I go to work, my house is clean, and everything is taken care of so who cares if I'm not starting a new project. 

--derealization is back but again very mild. I believe the obsessive existential thoughts contribute to it.

--weird fizzing sensation/sound in my neck. I used to only get it when swimming as a kid. It sounds like carbonation bubbling and only lasts a few seconds, but I get it when laying down 

--tinnitus still comes randomly for a few seconds every few days 

--brain zaps occasionally continue like 1x a week.

 

Questions:

1. Is it normal to have continued withdrawal symptoms even though im still on the medication at a much less dose?

 

How I'm coping:

--lots of meditation.  I listen to eckhart tolle on my drives places. 

--I remind myself I'm still withdrawing and adjusting to medication changes of a med I've been on for 15 plus years. 

--I remind myself I just had a window and there will be more windows

--actively scheduling time to be in nature and with OTHERS. Loneliness fuels my anxiety and anhedonia.

--practicing daily mindfulness...noticing flower colors and the texture of my puppy's fur. The small things.

--exercise, I run 3 miles per day. Halfway through my running my mind goes blank and I feel great for an hour or so after exercise. I hope this is not worsening my healing. 

 

If anyone has any suggestions let me know! I want to try to work on diet next as I have seen  many people say its helpful.

 

Reminder we are all in this together, I am praying for every single one of you and you are in my thoughts. ❤

[Greatful]

@Urchinowl  Sounds like you are stabilizing more.

 

2 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

Why do I exist? Is this all real? What's my purpose? 

Oh my gosh, you have this too.  Maybe we are finally trying to find ourselves after being on drugs for so long and the dulling affect they have on you.  It is really bad during D/R.  I am here, but I don't know what here means.......Creepy right.

 

2 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

I'm either hyper focused on something or pacing around trying to figure out what task next and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Sounds familiar........Again do you think the meds are over stimulating us?  Were you  restless on the drugs? 

 

You really are taking good care of yourself and doing great with the coping skills.❤️

Now how do we pull patience out of the tool box.  Time is what will take care of the rest...

[Urchinowl]

44 minutes ago, Greatful said:

Oh my gosh, you have this too.  Maybe we are finally trying to find ourselves after being on drugs for so long and the dulling affect they have on you.  It is really bad during D/R.  I am here, but I don't know what here means.......Creepy right

I've been trying to view this as a positive thing and am wondering if I'm heading towards killing off what tolle would describe as the ego. Basically a spiritual awakening. I'm more concerned about humanity..the planet and less concerned about what color my hair is. I have to be careful that this doesnt tread into rumination or anxiety and instead just allowing it to happen. Viewing it this way helps me see the beauty in it versus the fear. Perhaps if we all questioned these things more often the world would be a better place. 

 

Doing some journaling today I recognize my significant fear of going crazy. I want to totally "let go" (which I define as surrendering to life and relaxing or putting my total faith In god) ...the only thing stopping me is this significant fear of going crazy or losing control. Like if I said ok god, everything is in your hands I'm done being worried...that I would lose control and something bad would happen or that I'd become one of those delusional religious people who do things "in the name of god". I know this is a total irrational fear but yet its what's in the way. 

[Urchinowl]

51 minutes ago, Greatful said:

.Again do you think the meds are over stimulating us?  Were you  restless on the drugs? 

It's hard to say as I've been on zoloft for 15 years. I would've described my time on zoloft as kind of like ADHD. I had a very hard time with stillness, a very hard time being "bored", looking for constant stimulation. I was always bouncing my leg up and down or doing a task while focusing on another. I slept fine though. How much of that is my natural personality versus being on zoloft is hard to say. I do know that now I am definitely more slower paced my fiance says he notices I'm open to just watching tv or going for a simple walk where as before it was so god awful boring and under stimulating. Perhaps I appreciate the smaller things in life or perhaps the drug was very activating. 

 

I have a weird theory that these medications suppress the egoistic thoughts (which can cause anxiety depression etc) however by suppressing the ego instead of allowing it to exist and working through suffering, we miss out on enlightenment and our true purpose in connection with spirituality.it is through suffering that many people become either enlightened or have a stronger relationship with God.

 

Of course this is all my theory and my truth but is not everyone's truth. I've always been the person to assume everything happens in perfect timing and for a perfect reason.

[siderale]

Hey @Urchinowl, passing by as it has been quite some time. I hope you're doing alright ♥

[Urchinowl]

32 minutes ago, siderale said:

Hey @Urchinowl, passing by as it has been quite some time. I hope you're doing alright ♥

Thanks so much! Doing well for sure. I'm now married. I've stayed on 25mg zoloft which is a teeny dose with no changes.

 

I also found out I'm 6 weeka pregnant! Luckily zoloft is a safe medication for pregnancy especially the dose I'm on. 

 

The symptom that lasted the longest for me was the dissociation. I find the more active I am and my brain is the more it goes away. Occasionally it still pops in but instead of freaking about it it's more of a "hm there it is again oh well" kind of thing.