Bea81: Zoloft 2 weeks I'm in pain - need advice and support

[Bea81]

On 7/5/2021 at 9:53 PM, Mia1 said:

Hi Bea,

Stopping by to offer my support. It looks like you did a really fast taper, it’s not surprising you feel this way. The good news is that every day you are getting better even if you can’t feel it. You WILL get there. I had a lot of similar issues when I first started, especially anxiety and fear. I know it’s hard in the beginning because it is so scary and confusing but if you can get to a place of true acceptance of what’s happening you can give yourself some relief. It won’t take your symptoms away but they will feel more manageable. Accept that these are your symptoms today and know that they will not last forever. They really won’t.

As you may already know the more you resist anxiety and panic the more intense it will become. It will also last longer. So it’s the same idea, accept the anxiety. As @Greatfulmentioned the thoughts creating the anxiety are just thoughts, they cannot hurt you. The sensations that anxiety and panic bring are just that, sensations. Learn to sit with your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them. It’s the reaction that is causing your suffering, not that actual anxiety. I recently wrote about anxiety on my thread, you may want to check it out. 

I definitely recommend a daily meditation practice to help cultivate awareness of thoughts and it also helps to slow the brain down. It’s a great way to start practicing non reactivity to thoughts and sensations. Even 15 minutes a day can have far reaching effects.

You are going to be okay. This is a great opportunity to get to know who you are without medication. It’s a great opportunity to learn how to manage “uncomfortable” emotions. We all have an innate wisdom that guides us. This whole experience can be transformed into a great opportunity for you, as hard as it may be to believe that right now. Put the work in.

I’m here to help you anyway I can!!

 

Hi Mia1, and thank you for your reply and sorry for my late one. I just came back on here today and will do my best to write as well as read here on SA more often. I do truly hope and belive I will come out of this stronger. I belive that medication have been worse for me than I used to belive. And I am working on your advice on accepting my symptoms and not fighting it. Its hard but it can and will be done in time. I think that is whats worse for me, the obsession about getting better right now and the negative on going thoughts. I know I can be very good at getting myself down. I will check out what you have written about anxiety on your thread and I will also do my very best with meditating. I have had lots of good come from meditating in the past, these days it just seem I cant even breath normaly or concentrate. But I will work on it! Thank you so much for taking your time to give me advice and care. I hope you are doing ok yourself? ❤️

[Go2zero]

20 hours ago, Bea81 said:

I don't know if I'm allowed to start another topic in this area, if so please just move or remove..

So there has been looong waves and some short windows for the last 3 months. I went of Xoloft completely after tapper about 2 1/2 months ago. I have shared my concern about severe suicidal thoughts with my doctor and I will be getting help, in fact there will be a therapist coming to my house next week. I just feel so worn out now that I can't seem to find a minute of peace and hope is fading more and more. I wasent in a good place when tappering of so it has been longer with pain than these three months. And it truly feels like I have no more fight left in me. I fear for relations, that they can or maybe already are hanging by a thin thread. I feel I have kept most of my pain to myself for this very reason and when I open up a bit I can tell see how distraught people get. At the same time I am not ill like this on purpose and I wish I could share without being so scared of people "freaking" out. In a way it creates anger in me cause I so desperatly need to know those around me wont give up on me. I can tell in clear moments I am in a sort of confused state of mind, feeling something one minute and something else the next. I can eat less and less, I'm getting to were food makes me feel sick and all tho not dangerously thin yet the lack of nutrition can't be good. I sleep on average two hours every night and feel like Im getting quite weak physicly. I'm not sure what I'm trying to get with this post other than maybe one of you or more have any wise word's. There are so many amazing and strong people on here and going thru all the sucess stories and wonderful advice has already helped. Sorry for spelling errors..

 

I have merged this new thread of yours with this one. Please only post here. We allow only 1 thread per member so that we keep all information together. Thank you!

[Greatful]

@Bea81Thank you for you kind words.  We are all in this together.  Think of SA as one big life raft.  I hope you don't mind, I asked @Mia1 to help us out.  She is working through her own childhood trauma and she has really helped me on my journey to help from my childhood and learning how to cope with WD.   I think together we can get you started on some self healing.

You can be very proud of yourself for handling the awful pain that comes with WD.  The drugs have changed how our brain works in fact Mia1 came up with we have a " brain injury".

You can do this.❤️ 

Reaching out and opening up are a first step.

If there are things you want to talk privately about ,you can do private messaging.  On the top of the form here, there is a envelope that will go to only who you want to send it to, like a email. 

Hang in there

Give yourself a big hug, that's from me🤗

 

[Mia1]

Hi @Bea81 you can always post on your thread for support and encouragement, we’re here to listen to you, acknowledge you and offer support if we can. I wouldn’t recommend reading anything but success stories at this time, wait until you are in a better frame of mind. 

 

I would love to help you in any way I can. What’s going on with you right now, what do you feel is causing you the most distress?

[Cheeky]

Hi Bea81,

I have just read through your thread and am so sorry your going through this. You must be so strong stopping two drugs at the same time and can just imagine how terrible you must be feeling right now. You have come to a place we’re we will understand you and support you through this. It helps all of us when we connect. Your young and will be better off eventually, it just takes a lot of time. Reach out to use when your feeling vulnerable, we can give you strength. Take everyday as it comes and believe you will be good again. I’m another that has been on these drugs for a long time and  we will all get there at the end. Stay strong, this isn’t your fault , if we o not my knew what these drugs did we would’ve never of taken them. Huggs to you 

[Bea81]

I cant belive the support thats on here, it just gives me hope. Im better. Or in a way I am. wednsday and thursday, specialy thursday morning was so horrific it was one of my worst moments so far. The fear I felt, yes I wont call this anxiety I call it pure fear, was more than I can explain. And the more I went without sleep the more paranoid I got. I belive I am quite wise and have insight to myself and I saw signs of possible loss of reality sneaking in so I contacted my doctor. He suggested I take a melatonin and half a oxazepam for a few nights to get some sleep. Only knowing I have this as an option helped me. Also the fact that he is not trying to get me back on Zoloft or other medications is a relief!

The worst at this time is how much my emotions run wild. Ok one minute, feeling all is good with my close ones, till later the same day wanting to give up and both friends, family and partner. Im normaly a person that loves my alone time but during this WD I find myself scared of being alone. I also feel clingy all tho I dont act on these emotions. BUT there are frequent run ins with my loved ones. The best way for me to sum it up is that my emotions are so darn strong, to strong. Sadness, anger but also joy, its like it takes over. And I dont like it one bit! But it is better than it was, like mentioned thursday morning truly scared me. I also have brain zaps again all tho very mild. In a way its good cause they remind me this is indeed WD and not something permanent. Yeah, I'll stick with that, I will mention the brain zaps as a good thing cause it means my brain is healing 😊😊

Thank all of you for taking the time to support! It is unique to have your kindness ❤️❤️

[Bea81]

On 8/26/2021 at 10:21 PM, Mia1 said:

Hi @Bea81 you can always post on your thread for support and encouragement, we’re here to listen to you, acknowledge you and offer support if we can. I wouldn’t recommend reading anything but success stories at this time, wait until you are in a better frame of mind. 

 

I would love to help you in any way I can. What’s going on with you right now, what do you feel is causing you the most distress?

Mia1, I feel it is severe WD symptoms but I also suspect one or maybe two personal relations is making things extra hard. I keep telling myself I shouldent make any major decisions now but at the same time I cant help but ask myself if there are people that may be making this journey harder than it has to be. Im confussed. Right this moment Im sitting here at 4 in the morning shaking cause I cant seem to shake this feeling that there is something very wrong between me and someone close to me. But I just dont know if it is this WD thats causing it or if its real. And my past trauma has come on so much stronger the last two months with severe flashbacks and deep sandness. You deal with trauma yourself I have been told and Greatful has spoken so kindly of you so if you have any advice I will listen closely. It feels like Im losing myself.

[Mia1]

11 hours ago, Bea81 said:

sitting here at 4 in the morning shaking cause I cant seem to shake this feeling that there is something very wrong between me and someone close to me. But I just dont know if it is this WD thats causing it or if its real.

This is something I can really relate to. All along I have had and continue to have pretty intense neuro emotions. My biggest trigger this past taper has been my mother in law. Prior to this our relationship was good and I never felt this way. It was so confusing because most times I talked to her I would feel this intense anger that would make me not want to talk to her or see her. I knew it was irrational so I didn’t act on it but I allowed myself to feel it and observe it because I knew there was some truth to the feeling no matter how small. It turns out that what was coming up for me was betrayal. My mother in law is a lovely and kind woman but she is also very untrustworthy and has caused me tremendous pain and hurt over the years with this behavior. I obviously stopped sharing anything with her a long time ago.

 

The unprocessed pain was showing up as this intense anger as a result of w/d which I now call a temporary brain injury because for me that is what it is, my brain healing from these drugs. So the point is that there is truth to what you’re feeling but it is most likely being exaggerated by your w/d. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take some measures to protect yourself and keep your emotions down while you recover. I used to go to my in laws weekly for dinner and now I cut back to 1-2 times per month. I also went from talking to her almost daily to 2-3 times week on the phone. It’s not to punish her but to protect myself as she is just too much of a trigger. I continue to process the pain but most of this is just so irrational I simply have to let it go.

11 hours ago, Bea81 said:

And my past trauma has come on so much stronger the last two months with severe flashbacks and deep sandness. You deal with trauma yourself

We go on this medication for a reason and when we decide to make the courageous decision to stop the reason we took the medication is going to come back and we must do the work to heal it. For me I experienced a lot of anxiety and panic from trauma. So I ask myself well what is trauma really? The past is gone and those events can’t hurt me anymore. For me, the trauma is the distorted patterns of thinking that resulted from what happened. It’s a program of thinking and behaviors that we must change. Change the program, the distorted thinking, and you overcome the trauma.

 

How do we do this? For me acceptance is always the place I start first. Accept whatever feelings/symptoms you have while you are learning to change them. Accept the feelings/symptoms you can’t change. This is important because when you do trauma work while your brain is healing from an injury there are truly symptoms you will not be able to change. And we can’t overcome something unless we accept it. Learn self love and compassion, most anxiety and fear comes from a lack of this. I have videos I can share with you that can help facilitate this. Understand this programming better by meditating daily, make the unconscious conscious. Choose the thoughts you focus on, we are not our thoughts but the observer of them. Learn how to not react to symptoms by observing them objectively and without judgement. Anxiety and fear need a reaction to feed it, if you don’t feed them they won’t stick around. Learn to let go, a very important piece because really we don’t have to follow these thought patterns. We can choose to let go of the old program and create a new one. You can literally be anyone and anything you want to be, it’s actually really exciting!!

 

 There’s obviously a lot more to it but this is the basic groundwork that worked for me. If any of this resonates with you and you want to learn more let me know, I’m happy to share. I hope you have a better day today.

[Bea81]

Just doing a quick update even tho I dont see the point. I cant find meaning in anything anymore. Cant even remember what I used to hope for. Its all just about getting thru the days, the last thing I still enjoyed to do also lost its meaning. I truly hope others will be more sucessful with WD and life in general than me, actually I know you all will. For me it just seem to go the way I have felt for quite some time now. But I really was thankful for finding SA and the support thats on here.

[Mia1]

@Bea81I’m so sorry you’re struggling, I can feel your pain. I know the pull can be strong but don’t allow yourself to be dragged into the darkness, it is so easy to get lost here. There is so much beauty and joy in life that we can lose sight of because we’re too busy looking at our pain. Try to start focusing off your pain, acknowledge it but then accept it and focus on life again. This is just a temporary experience and you are going to get better, we all do. So dig down deep and find your strength to continue this journey of healing, this experience can be life transforming if you allow it to be. You have the strength to do it. 

 

You have a lot of people here who care about you and are here for you, myself included. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process ❤️

[Greatful]

@Bea81  We can do this Bea,  and have been having some pretty tough spells, so I know your pain.  Keep reaching out and expressing them, we are here to help you and give you strength.  Sometimes just hearing another ones voice of compassion and love can get you through another day.

This is a tough journey but look how much you have endured and kept going.  Find a spark of energy, get mad at big Pharma for lying about the dangers of these drugs.  Bea it is the what the drugs did to your brain causing these thoughts and feelings.  This in not you, look inside and you will see Bea and that she is there waiting to resurface.  No matter how bad the thoughts are they can not hurt you. 

  

You can make it through today, I know it❤️  Tomorrow is a new day and we will deal with that tomorrow.

[Paquita]

Been reading here and I'm touched.

Stay strong all of you!

 

[Bea81]

4 hours ago, Mia1 said:

@Bea81I’m so sorry you’re struggling, I can feel your pain. I know the pull can be strong but don’t allow yourself to be dragged into the darkness, it is so easy to get lost here. There is so much beauty and joy in life that we can lose sight of because we’re too busy looking at our pain. Try to start focusing off your pain, acknowledge it but then accept it and focus on life again. This is just a temporary experience and you are going to get better, we all do. So dig down deep and find your strength to continue this journey of healing, this experience can be life transforming if you allow it to be. You have the strength to do it. 

 

You have a lot of people here who care about you and are here for you, myself included. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process ❤️

Thank you, Mia1, for being there. I find myself in hope one minute and then in despair the next. It is so extreme and overwelming. You know this yourself and it is a relief not having to explain it. Im trying to see if there is something Im doing that makes it more difficult, if I am somehow delaying recovery if that make sense? Did you have it like that and did you figure out anything and started to do things different? I did read your last reply two times actually and yet havent responded. The fatigue, dizzines and shakes is getting the better of me and typing is difficult. I found it very interesting and helpful how you dealt with the problems with your mother in law. You are a very wise and strong woman and seem to have so much helpful to share. Are you okay at the moment?

[Bea81]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

@Bea81  We can do this Bea,  and have been having some pretty tough spells, so I know your pain.  Keep reaching out and expressing them, we are here to help you and give you strength.  Sometimes just hearing another ones voice of compassion and love can get you through another day.

This is a tough journey but look how much you have endured and kept going.  Find a spark of energy, get mad at big Pharma for lying about the dangers of these drugs.  Bea it is the what the drugs did to your brain causing these thoughts and feelings.  This in not you, look inside and you will see Bea and that she is there waiting to resurface.  No matter how bad the thoughts are they can not hurt you. 

  

You can make it through today, I know it❤️  Tomorrow is a new day and we will deal with that tomorrow.

Greatful, Im so glad to hear from you. You are sutch and inspiration. I am sorry you have been having tough spells, are they still as strong or are you seeing some light yet again at the end of this current tunnel? I have taken your advice before and I will again. I know this is not the real me and even tho the real me also have issues she is very much missed. She will come back tho like you are saying. I am working hard on not having emotional spills towards those around me cause I know that what Im feeling right now I wont be feeling tonight. Yet I need to adress the real issues and keep those apart from my delusional thoughts. Not sure if Im making a lot of sense right now.. Have you experienced that doubt towards those closesed to you and/or lack of emotions?

[Greatful]

@Bea81  Right now I find it hard to trust any of my thoughts and feelings.  They all feel so real, even the ones you know are distorted.  

Some days when I can't think and things are really negative and start down the dark path, I have to step back and remind me that I love myself, and that I just need to get through today.  

Do you have at least one person you can trust and that makes you feel secure most of the time. So you can talk about what you are feeling, the fear, anger, sadness, loneliness, scared or what ever you are feeling.    I say most of the time because the brain will play tricks on you.  I have always felt safe with my husband, well recently with the WD shifting in me.  I have had some paranoid distrust toward him now.   I have to stop myself and look as rational as I can at him and try to remember him before WD then I can remember that he is safe.  I  also talked to him about it.  It helps me to see how irrational my brain is being.   Remind yourself over and over again that your brain is not working right.  When you are feeling anxiety the anxiety is looking for something to latch on to,   It can turn into a vicious  cycle, that is why Mia and I talk about meditation.  Learn how to redirect from your thoughts. 

 

I hope this makes some sense for you, my brain is not working very well today.  

Thank you for reaching out for help, it has helped me today just by talking with you.  

You can always express yourself here, never be afraid to, we all need help in on this journey.

We are in this together.❤️

[Mia1]

@Bea81Thanks for responding, I was worried about you. This past year and a half I have gotten off of four medications so I really do know what you are going through and feel confident telling you that you will get better, it just may be a slow process. I’m still symptomatic but I no longer resist the symptoms or the process. I meditate everyday and practice mindfulness. All of these things help tremendously. So does reframing the experience. Instead of seeing it as this horrible thing I must endure from day to day I view it as this great opportunity to build strength and resiliency to overcome anything life has for me. I have turned it around and used it as a vehicle to become fearless.

 

So yes, I would love to feel better and have my brain functioning normally again but today I accept what is and I try to make the most of what this day has to offer. You really can find joy in any situation. I remember years ago I read Victor Frankl’s  book Mans Search For Meaning. It’s about his experience in a concentration camp but honestly it’s so much more, an incredibly inspiring read if you’ve never read it. Anyway one day while in the camp he sees a butterfly and he feels such love and beauty and in that moment he realizes one of his famous quotes “Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedom— to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” To me this is total freedom and we’re all capable of it.

 

So hang in there, do whatever works for you and just take really good care of yourself.

[Bea81]

I was told by a person on a help line two weeks ago I should be direct with both those around me and health workers. I have but there is no real reaction from anyone. I understand having been close to someone that was suicidal at the time that there is only so much one can do and people have their own struggles. But at the same time I cant shake the feeling that if they truly care and I have said it as straight forward as I can that I dont think I can go on, why arent they doing anything? My doctor, the counselour that saw me, my family, my life partner, friends. They cant truly care cause then they surely would have done something? My live in partner left for work today and he can be gone as much as 6-7 weeks. I know he has been pushed by his boss to go, they are short on people, covid is putting a strain on it all, but still. I have never needed him the way I do now. Never needed anyone the way I do now and they are the main reason I havent done anything bad to myself. But why bother if they dont? How much can I or all of us really hope for or expect from others? Im just so exhausted and the life in me just seem to go little by little.

[Mia1]

@Bea81 if you’re feeling suicidal you need to get professional help, it’s just not worth it if you are going to harm yourself. 

 

It is important to have a good good support system but it’s also important to be able to rely on yourself. This can be a good opportunity to get to know yourself better and learn how to become your best support, I think it’s one of the most important things we can do on this journey. Be kind to yourself and above all be safe. You are loved and needed ❤️

[Colonial]

On 9/10/2021 at 3:10 PM, Bea81 said:

But at the same time I cant shake the feeling that if they truly care and I have said it as straight forward as I can that I dont think I can go on, why arent they doing anything? My doctor, the counselour that saw me, my family, my life partner, friends. They cant truly care cause then they surely would have done something? My live in partner... I have never needed him the way I do now. Never needed anyone the way I do now and they are the main reason I havent done anything bad to myself. But why bother if they dont? How much can I or all of us really hope for or expect from others?

 

What is it that you think others can or should be "doing" that they are not?

Sometimes it helps to really look at our assumptions to see if they are realistic or not.

 

On 8/28/2021 at 9:21 PM, Bea81 said:

my doctor. He suggested I take a melatonin and half a oxazepam for a few nights to get some sleep. Only knowing I have this as an option helped me. Also the fact that he is not trying to get me back on Zoloft or other medications is a relief!

 

 

While it seems the dose of Zoloft was too high at one point, your taper was too fast going off it.

Usually the best remedy for that is a slight reinstatement of a few mgs, maybe 2 or 3 until stabilization and then one can then restart their taper.

It seems you did not want to consider this, and were happy the doctor did not "push" you to go back on the Zoloft.

While a small reinstatement isn't a "cure all", it can help relieve the worst of the symptoms.

 

All the doctor can offer are the prescriptions for more drugs. 

It really is not an issue of "not caring", it's just the reality of the situation.

And while WD is a difficult time for interpersonal relationships, the past 20 months have been hard on everyone with the pandemic and it's changes.

 

Is there something specific you think people "should" be doing for you that they are not?

As you were suicidal before since going on the Zoloft, what skills did you use to take your minds off the thoughts to more positive things?

The good news is they are only thoughts and while they may come more than we like, we can choose not to ruminate them and let them pass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Bea81]

3 hours ago, Mia1 said:

@Bea81 if you’re feeling suicidal you need to get professional help, it’s just not worth it if you are going to harm yourself. 

 

It is important to have a good good support system but it’s also important to be able to rely on yourself. This can be a good opportunity to get to know yourself better and learn how to become your best support, I think it’s one of the most important things we can do on this journey. Be kind to yourself and above all be safe. You are loved and needed ❤️

Hi @Mia1and thank you for checking in again. I have asked for help but it seem harder than it should be. I do however have a counselor coming to see me in the morning so I'll get to talk to her. Yes, I feel as you say, its good to have support but also very important to be able to rely on ourself. I used to be maybe a bit to much of a "I'm handling this on my own" type of person and would actually prefer to be alone when feeling bad eiter emotionaly or physicaly. I see now it can be to much of the whole making it on my own behavior. I also feel that my past trauma that made it very difficult and at times impossible for me to be around people are now catching up with me. We should all have boundaries and avoid toxic relations, I just dont feel like Im able to see what is what. Is it toxic or is it just a normal relation with its ups and down? Dont know if Im making any sense? How can I know if someone is good for me and the other way around? Cause I surtanly dont wanna be toxic myself. And right now Im afraid I may be pushing a friend away. I feel like Im in a state between awake and asleep and I cant make sense out of anything.. But how are you doing? Are you having a window? Are there symptoms you had for a long time that are now gone? 💙

[Bea81]

2 hours ago, Colonial said:

 

What is it that you think others can or should be "doing" that they are not?

Sometimes it helps to really look at our assumptions to see if they are realistic or not.

 

 

 

While it seems the dose of Zoloft was too high at one point, your taper was too fast going off it.

Usually the best remedy for that is a slight reinstatement of a few mgs, maybe 2 or 3 until stabilization and then one can then restart their taper.

It seems you did not want to consider this, and were happy the doctor did not "push" you to go back on the Zoloft.

While a small reinstatement isn't a "cure all", it can help relieve the worst of the symptoms.

 

All the doctor can offer are the prescriptions for more drugs. 

It really is not an issue of "not caring", it's just the reality of the situation.

And while WD is a difficult time for interpersonal relationships, the past 20 months have been hard on everyone with the pandemic and it's changes.

 

Is there something specific you think people "should" be doing for you that they are not?

As you were suicidal before since going on the Zoloft, what skills did you use to take your minds off the thoughts to more positive things?

The good news is they are only thoughts and while they may come more than we like, we can choose not to ruminate them and let them pass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi @Colonialand thanks for your reply. I have read much important info on here including the thread about considering going back on a small dose of the drug. And from that I understand it do more harm than good since I have been of them now for almost three months. So its a bit confusing all of it, and I take it that you think I should maybe try a very low dose to see if it could help? It may seem like all I do is complain and that I dont really want to get better, but thats not the truth at all. Even one of the moderators said it most likely would do no good for me to take a low dose of Zoloft again. But I really want to hear more of your thougts on this.

 

Honestly, I am so confused 90 % of the time that I cant tell you what exactly I wish people would do. I do wish my life partner hadent left for work that could last for 6-7 weeks. Then again the company he works for is pressed as so many others due to covid, and also he is not my babysitter. I still wish it could have been done in another way so he could be home at this time. I have 2 family members and 2 friends checking in on me every day. They are not my babysitters either and I know people have their own struggles and things to do during the day. So Im afraid of coming of selfish. The desperation I feel during this WD with all the symptoms, the fear, the darkness just makes me reach for straws every were. I had dark thougts before Zoloft but not clear suicidal thougts like now. In fact I have never had as dark and direct thoughts about suicide as now so I dont know how to cope with it. Am I making any sense?

Again, I am aware I can come of as negative, it is how ever my desperation that is behind it..

[Colonial]

35 minutes ago, Bea81 said:

I take it that you think I should maybe try a very low dose to see if it could help? It may seem like all I do is complain and that I dont really want to get better, but thats not the truth at all. Even one of the moderators said it most likely would do no good for me to take a low dose of Zoloft again.

 

Hi Bea! 🙂

 

It is not that I think you should now or should have reinstated in the past, as much as I was trying to place not doing so in context of the wider picture.

It is correct that reinstatement at a low level works best within a certain time frame, and even then there are no guarantees. 

That being said, some people reinstate months out at 0.5mgs or 1mg and do find some help.

 

I was not making a recommendation either way.

I was just trying to place that in view of what did you expect the doctor to do for you, if you were happy he-she was not asking you to go back on.

I just didn't really see in the thread any discussion as to why you decided to not try a small amount.

If you were totally against it on principle or if you had other concerns, etc.

 

45 minutes ago, Bea81 said:

. The desperation I feel during this WD with all the symptoms, the fear, the darkness just makes me reach for straws every were.

 

Sometimes we can expect too much of others.

And sometimes we can expect too much of ourselves.

That is just as, depressing...

 

Do you think maybe some of the despair is self guilt?

That you think you should have been able to "heal" yourself by now?

Guilt that your a burden on others even though you don't know what you would even want them to do?

 

That would total make sense.

For many people, it's not just their own suffering, it's that they feel they have let other people down.

And I didn't think you sounded negative, it's just hard at times to unravel all the different emotions that pop up and try to figure out why their there.

 

The problem with WD, is the feelings are so intense, they can seem to be legitimate when they aren't.

So then we have to try to figure out which feelings should be ignored and which are legitimate and should be tended to.

But if you have been medicated so long and numb to all your feelings, it's very overwhelming as everything comes back full force.

Your then left to decide what reaction your having emotionally is justified ad which is just your body trying to regulate being off the meds again.

 

Sometimes just being able to realize, this emotion is not realistic, I can ignore it, makes a big difference.

The problem getting there is knowing the truth about the assumptions we are making about ourselves and others through the process.

Are we being realistic is what we "think" we want, from ourselves and others?

Or are we asking too much too soon, and we need to give ourselves more time to heal and let the mood swings even out.

Hope that helps. 

[Mia1]

Hi @Bea81 It can be difficult for family and friends to understand sometimes what we are going through so I’m glad that you have a counselor you can talk to. I think it’s important to express our needs but then I think it’s equally important to let go of the outcome, I believe we all do our best in the moment. This is where self reliance comes in. Nobody but yourself is going to be able to support you 100% of the time exactly as you want to be supported. So yes, have a support system and lean on it but if someone can’t fulfill a need or you feel let down then turn to yourself for fulfillment. If your thinking becomes confused and you feel suicidal then turn to a professional.

 

This can really be a good time to get to know yourself without the influence of drugs. Explore what makes you happy, what behaviors you find acceptance or unacceptable, what boundaries feel right for you. This is part of the work. Learn self compassion and self love, it’s the ultimate healing. I’m going to share a self compassion video I found helpful.

 

I’ve been consistently well for quite some time now. I have symptoms but because I have learned not to react to them I no longer suffer or fear them. It took a lot of work and some time to get here but I’m here. You can get here too, it just takes a little courage and some time 💗

[Bea81]

@Mia1, you have no idea how much your support means. How you take your time to share all these helpful things. I will go right to that video after answering here. I try my hardest to not obsess right now as to why Im so much worse and instead remind myself that I WILL get better again, I had a two day window last week were I even managed to sit and eat at a resturant, so big in so many ways since it seem my social phobia is so much better. Strange but very interesting, maybe ssri made my problems worse. That's what I truly belive and what makes me able to feel good about making the decition to stop Zoloft, the fact I truly belive I should have never been on them in the first place. The reward from this will be huge, I still belive that. 

I caught myself smiling when you say you have been well for quite some time 💙 Thank you again for your amazing support. Im having a small window now after a bad 2 days of very severe DP and fear. And I am following your advice on taking the support I got but also trusting myself with giving what others cant give. 💙💙

[Bea81]

@Colonial, thank you for taking the time to share your thougts and support. It is so very appreciated. And the part were you mention if our are we being realistic in what we think we need or want from ourself and others? My answer is no, I dont belive I have been realistic at all in what others can give. This is one of the worst things to be in, this WD, but it sure is no picnic for those around us either. I have seen the worry and despair from those closest to me and I have told every one of them how much their support is appreciated but also how I must fight a lot of this on my own. And I surely dont want anybody else to become burned out from this. So thank you again for your insight, it helped and made me think. And a good type of thinking that is 😉

[Mia1]

You’re very welcome @Bea81 I’m so happy you’re having a window, you really sound like you’re doing better!! You may want to journal this so you can look back and remind yourself that even in the midst of the toughest wave we are always healing and getting better. I hope you have a wonderful day 😊

[Greatful]

@Bea81  Hi, sorry I have been quiet on my end.  I see that you are getting some wonderful support and guidance.  We all can learn from each other.  Just by reading your thread I find things that can help me out.  Something that helps me is  remind yourself  that every time you are in a wave is when your brain is readjusting and healing. 

 

I did just did what Mia1 suggested last night. I was in a little window and so  I wrote a note to myself to read when I am in a dark and hopeless place.  Some times I have to stop the questioning that I do and just look deep inside and see who I am and remind myself that I am working my way out into the world.  This also works for seeing past your emotional trauma and pain.

Some times when we express our pain we worry that other people will not understand that this is just pain that needs to come out, just let them know that you need to get it out so you can actually  hear the thoughts and some times that is enough to feel a release, or for me some times it will look different from ruminating around my brain.  I have found some answers just by expressing and talking through my thoughts or pain.

I also think if you look deep inside you will see who you can trust.  Try not let the distorted thoughts and personal trauma dictate your life. You shielded yourself from any more pain by pulling inside yourself so you wouldn't get hurt again.  Part of healing is learning to be vulnerable and  open yourself you to others.

I can see that you  are working very hard to get through the WD and personal trauma.  You are a strong woman.

We are always here for you❤️

 

 

Hang in there

[Greatful]

@Bea81  Hi Bea, how are you doing?❤️

[Bea81]

On 10/7/2021 at 10:53 PM, Greatful said:

@Bea81  Hi Bea, how are you doing?❤️

Hi Greatful, I am in a really bad wave. It started friday and I ended up calling the emergency room since my thoughts scare me. In it all I must say Im lucky, very lucky to have a sister, mother and partner that are by my side all day now and the love I feel from them is just something special. Im just so scared that I cant compare it to anything I have ever felt and I know what fear is from an early age. Trying to not make myself into a negative victim here, its just all to much. It means so so much that you asked how I am. How are you?? I will stop by your own thread now and see if you have updates. Sending good and loving thoughts your way. We will make it thru this!! ❤️❤️

[Greatful]

@Bea81  I am sorry you are getting hit again with a wave.  I am also glad that you are turning to your sister and mother for additional help.  There is not more we can do,  use what ever skills we have learned, be kind to ourselves, do not trust in our thoughts, hold on to the ones who love and support us, and take on just that day, only that day.  Do not think about the what if's in the future.  

 

Yes trauma from the past is a added symptom to the whole journey.  But remember we can not solve that overnight either.  I think you just acknowledging there is a some negative trauma that has had affect on who you are and that you are also working on healing that too.  Accepting who you are at this time will help foster patience to work through it all one day at a time, one situation at time.  Be proud of yourself that you are doing the work to heal and become a whole person.  

 

My heart goes out to you and all of us who just want to heal and live life.❤️

[Greatful]

@Bea81  Hi Bea,  I wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.   I know these waves take a lot out of us.  Up and down like a roller-coaster.

  I know hard depression is also, so hang on and know that each day is healing.  It may not feel like it.  I know for me the moods shift fairly fast, but the do not seem to be as deep and I am feel a little clearer in the brain over all.   

 

You are doing a great job girl❤️

[Bea81]

On 10/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Greatful said:

@Bea81  Hi Bea,  I wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.   I know these waves take a lot out of us.  Up and down like a roller-coaster.

  I know hard depression is also, so hang on and know that each day is healing.  It may not feel like it.  I know for me the moods shift fairly fast, but the do not seem to be as deep and I am feel a little clearer in the brain over all.   

 

You are doing a great job girl❤️

Thank you for not giving up on me, @Greatful. It seem that those around me are indeed giving up and I myself see that this can not go on for much longer. My main symptom in witch I just learned about today is akathisia-terror-suicidal and I just dont know how to cope. I cant reason with myself when Im like this and Im starting to think I need medication again. It makes me both happy and hopeful hearing you are feeling better overall. ❤️ Any advice from you would be very appreciated cause it seem everything is falling apart with both myself and those around me.

 

[Ktven48]

Hi Bea,

 

I just want you to know you are not alone. I’m suffering terribly from akathisia/restless/fear

 

I pray every night for god to show me some improvement. My husband says he sees some - I only hope he is right. I have baby coming in 6 months. I have intense terror about this daily.

 

I don’t have much advice but I just want to offer my support and genuine empathy. I really hope we can see the light soon. We must. 

[Cheeky]

Hi @Bea81,

Im so so sorry that your suffering like this, it is pure hell. 
I know in my heart that we all eventually heal. You have to hang on. It is so tempting to want to take something  to relief pain. You can do this and we’re all there to support you. 

[Greatful]

@Bea81

19 hours ago, Bea81 said:

Thank you for not giving up on me, @Greatful. It seem that those around me are indeed giving up and I myself see that this can not go on for much longer.

 

Oh Bea, if I give up on you I would be giving up on myself🥰  I know for fact those that love you are not giving up on you.  That is your distorted negative thinking.  Yes, they may express some frustration at times.  Remember they have that right.  It is hard for people to watch the ones they love in so much pain.  It also can be scary for them.  They don't always know what to do or say. Talk to them about it, let them know that you really appreciate them and sometimes all you need to know is that they love you and support you. Remember you don't really understand what they are going through themselves. Just like they can only try to understand what you are going through.

And yes, you will have times that it is harder, but don't believe that you can't heal, yes you can.

19 hours ago, Bea81 said:

My main symptom in witch I just learned about today is akathisia-terror-suicidal and I just dont know how to cope. I cant reason with myself when Im like this

Yes you do.  Go back and reread some of the advice on meditation, debunking your thoughts, acceptance.  

Your thoughts are harming you more then WD is.

You will never be able to reason with yourself.

Here are some quotes I want you to print out and have with you around the house.

It is my reaction to my symptoms and not my symptoms that were causing my suffering.

 

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside the mind.

 Your brain has convinced you that you must think about it. But it’s your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

 

Find acceptance for only that day, do what little things you can do to get through just today.  

I know that depression is very hard  but that to is just a passing thought, it will come and go.  

Have you tried visualization

Assign the color black to depression, red for anger, green for jealousy, yellow for anxiety, panic, restlessness then visualize the dot's of color  it in your brain away from you and say this is not me, this is WD and I it is only an experience that I am having.  Sometimes this will center you to look at the real you and know that yeah that is not me.  Then distract yourself.  Remember dwelling or trying to run from your thoughts will only drag you in to the thought spiral and we all know where that lead too, frustration, more anxiety, more depression and worthlessness thinking and that you want to give up.  If you have to do do this constantly at first so be it .  This is were the meditation heals you learn to not get attached to your thought

 

I know that it is easy to get overwhelmed with trying to learn this learn, do  that.  A big one is accepting were you are today and know that you are going to get through it.  Then add in some skills to help you get through.  There is nothing you can do about tomorrow except worry about it and do wishful thinking.  Today is all you can really do anything about.  So live for today.  Then do this everyday. 

 

Rest assured you are no alone in this struggle and you are not weak.  I have to work on this everyday, somedays are really hard and then somedays are easier.❤️ 

 

Give yourself a hug, say I love you and I am doing the best I can to yourself.  Today if I feel crappy than okay that is what I feel today.  Don't fight it and know that tomorrow will come❤️

[300days]

On 10/20/2021 at 3:07 PM, Ktven48 said:

Hi Bea,

 

I just want you to know you are not alone. I’m suffering terribly from akathisia/restless/fear

 

I pray every night for god to show me some improvement. My husband says he sees some - I only hope he is right. I have baby coming in 6 months. I have intense terror about this daily.

 

I don’t have much advice but I just want to offer my support and genuine empathy. I really hope we can see the light soon. We must. 

Kt - did the vaccine kick off your akathesia?  I am just realizing and putting things together -I was in bad shape but have had akathisia now for the last two months (the internal agitation/terror/fear/intrustive thoughts/coming out of your skin feeling) since my vaccination