Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Nikki

Learning how to care for myself

Recommended Posts

Nikki

I wasn't sure where to post this...so here it goes

 

After the "lay off" I spent two years beating myself up for not managing money over the years that I had money. I made a firm commitment to get back to work, and I did.

 

The first job was a horror. Money wasn't good, but I was terrified of being home facing anxiety/depression and being alone, so I returned to work 6 weeks after I was laid off.

 

Within 6 months I was offered 2 jobs. I took the hospital position instead of the country club position because the hospital was more money. I have both hospital & country club experience. Believe me Country Clubs are a much better environment. It was the worst job ever and I knew it was a mistake on day one. I had to stay to be fired so I could collect unemployment.

 

Shortly after that I took a job @ Hospice. Three 12 our shifts Fri-Sat-Sunday in a unit.

It was unbearably depressing. I worked 40-60 hours a week to train. Again, I knew it was a bad choice. They loved me, except for the head secretary who was a battle-ax. She thru me under the bus. Again I was let go, however they wanted me to stay in Hospice because they said I was a representation of what Hospice stands for "caring". The job they were offering, was just filled.

 

I was in such bad shape mentally, emotionally and was unable to stop berating myself. My self-esteem plummeted. It was bad. Bad anxiety and almost non-stop crying.

 

Started EMDR Therapy which I had done during the Lexapro taper. This Therapist was darling, but her technique was not that helpful. She used lights which I/most of us can't tolerate.

 

Sorry for the lenghty background. My self esteem nose dived. I became afraid of looking for a job (which I kept doing anyway). The fear of financial insecurity was and is still with me.

 

During all of these jobs my anxiety was OFF THE WALL. I was on my back 24/7. I was unable to forgive myself, or give myself some tender loving care for all that happened. Shame was a huge issue. I felt exremely inadequate.

 

The fear of finding a job and learning it was tremendous so I ended up with more & more anxiety. I kept pushng myself thru it. In the last few months I have been able to admit that my worry/fear/anxiety over succeeding may have worked against me. I had trouble typing this sentence due to shame.

 

I am starting to give myself some tender loving care, forgiveness and looking at myself from the viewpoint of how hard I tried, and kept stepping up to the plate. I am a little choked up.

 

How does this play into AD's? When I was laid off I just finished the Lexapro taper + protracted wd set in along with the fear. I believe that lasted a good year.

 

More bad experiences while on Imipramine made me feel like the Imipramine wasn't working. It probably was, more than I realized.

 

I am in Al-Anon (a 12 step program) and I am learning how to re-parent myself using compassion.

 

Over the last few years I put myself down for crying. I had a reason to cry but felt I was flawed and weak. I was scared and I am still scared.

 

This led me to crossover from Imipramine to Celexa which really wasn't a good thing. I don't like how I feel on Celexa. Sooooooooooo here I go again, trying a taper.

 

The problems are real. They knocked me down. It's up to me to turn things around, and I am still full of doubt. Should I continue to pursue my own business which I have been doing for the last 1 1/2year? Or should I try another office job where the income is steady? I am so afraid of going thru the learning/probation period again and the anxiety.

 

Please bear with me, I really wanted to talk about this on this site. Crying a little now and not berating myself.

 

Lots of Hugs

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

I was in such bad shape mentally, emotionally and was unable to stop berating myself. My self-esteem plummeted. It was bad. Bad anxiety and almost non-stop crying.

 

I had trouble typing this sentence due to shame.

 

I am starting to give myself some tender loving care, forgiveness and looking at myself from the viewpoint of how hard I tried, and kept stepping up to the plate. I am a little choked up.

 

How does this play into AD's? When I was laid off I just finished the Lexapro taper + protracted wd set in along with the fear. I believe that lasted a good year.

 

I am in Al-Anon (a 12 step program) and I am learning how to re-parent myself using compassion.

 

Over the last few years I put myself down for crying. I had a reason to cry but felt I was flawed and weak. I was scared and I am still scared.Should I continue to pursue my own business which I have been doing for the last 1 1/2year? Or should I try another office job where the income is steady? I am so afraid of going thru the learning/probation period again and the anxiety.

 

Please bear with me, I really wanted to talk about this on this site. Crying a little now and not berating myself.

 

Lots of Hugs

 

Hi Nikki.. crying and poor self-esteem are only symptoms so don't be overly worried? Shame.. that is central and where you need to go to resolve your issues. Are you looking at the roots in the reparenting in Al-Anon? For the job.. the best call would be to take the course that offers you the most protection. If this is another office job, perhaps this would be best for now? You could pick up self employment when you feel better? When you do start to work again, it might be a good idea to find a humanistic therapist. Someone whose primary function is to support you on your journey.

 

You are internalizing negative messages from others, (the secretary you mentioned), then acting according to those perceptions.. which sets you up to repeat. That's a pattern, a script you follow. You need objective feedback to identify when this happens and help you pull out of the loop. Are there resources you can identify with the help of AA that might be of help?

 

Hugs Nikki, you deserve much credit for your efforts. I'm sorry you are feeling so low and hope you find relief soon. ~S

Share this post


Link to post
Nikki

Hi Schuyler

 

I actually make more money per hour on my own, minus the corporate grief. Working on my own has actually helped with self-esteem.

 

My worry is that it takes time to build it, and there are weeks of good money, and weeks where I am slow. In my heart I believe I have what it takes to be successful. However, a huge bill or bills will come along and undermine what I have saved.

 

I am not at that point yet, where I am pulling alot of money in. And then fear comes in,

and I think about a regularjob, and the confusion and self doubt set in.

 

Believe me I should not have made the crossover to Celexa. Managing, thoughts, feelings, our lives, decision making is affected by this stuff.

 

"Hi Nikki.. crying and poor self-esteem are only symptoms so don't be overly worried? Shame.. that is central and where you need to go to resolve your issues."

 

I guess so. The comforting is my new self-talk.

 

Growing up is hard work :o

 

Hugs

Share this post


Link to post
starlitegirlx

Nikki, I get where you are coming from. I am on SSDI and cannot work despite countless tries. The stress is just too much for me to handle without going into depression and anxiety that runs from moderate to severe. I loathed myself and loathed society. Now, I've finally accepted who I am and that I am not like the rest of society nor do I care to be. I no longer call myself a loser or think of myself a loser? I actually think more highly of myself than ever before because fact is, few could survive what I've been through. By that I mean the illness, other issues I faced, not being able to work and failing countless times, having to live with my mother at 44 years old with no future to speak of in terms of things I would like or like to experience. Most would jump off a bridge or something like that. Or lock down in a chronic state of depression and never leave the house.

 

Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have survived. Most people would have come out worse off than you. At least you're striving to move forward and grow from the experience. Few do, which is why the world is such a mess.

Share this post


Link to post
Shanti

It is so hard having to move in with your mom. I'm 43 and going through the same thing. It's just very demeaning to come to this. I've come to terms with it for the most part, but for a while it was practically devastating me, and scaring me at the same time. I've decided now to take baby steps, and it does feel good to be moving towards independence again even if it's very slow. The steps make all the difference for self esteem. I don't have to believe that one I'll be totally fine and independent, but in this Now, I am taking steps and creating a momentum. So I enrolled in correspondence school for Medical Office Administration, and work on it as I can. I think that taking these little steps has healed me mentally a lot, and I feel that has helped me physically. I've decided since I can't heal the pain, that I know of. Then I have to learn to live alongside it. I'm using meditation practices to strengthen my Causal Body over my Physical Body. Pain is still there and debilitating, but I don't have to be immersed in it. I can do this.

Share this post


Link to post
starlitegirlx

It is so hard having to move in with your mom. I'm 43 and going through the same thing. It's just very demeaning to come to this. I've come to terms with it for the most part, but for a while it was practically devastating me, and scaring me at the same time. I've decided now to take baby steps, and it does feel good to be moving towards independence again even if it's very slow. The steps make all the difference for self esteem. I don't have to believe that one I'll be totally fine and independent, but in this Now, I am taking steps and creating a momentum. So I enrolled in correspondence school for Medical Office Administration, and work on it as I can. I think that taking these little steps has healed me mentally a lot, and I feel that has helped me physically. I've decided since I can't heal the pain, that I know of. Then I have to learn to live alongside it. I'm using meditation practices to strengthen my Causal Body over my Physical Body. Pain is still there and debilitating, but I don't have to be immersed in it. I can do this.

 

I've never been able to move out. Moving back must be so truly devastating. If you were out before, then you will one day be out again. It's something. I'm sorry for you pain. Learning to just allow the pain to be without attachment to it or becoming immersed in it is very challenging, but it can be done. Sounds like you are making progress and doing some things that are good for you now and in the long term. That will definitely help.

Share this post


Link to post
areyouthere

An awesome web site.... lots of support in so many different ways. I personally believe that had I been more informed on how to care for myself naturally I would never have felt an "obligation" to drugs to get better. Once I get better and while I get better I will be researching many ideas and concepts with concrete , research based evidence ( and not but who cares at this point?) presented here:

 

http://www.becomingwell.org

 

I hope someone will find it useful.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  
×
×
  • Create New...