Shellbell: Struggling really bad

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

not doing well at all. Getting worse every day. My brain just won’t stop ruminating and akathesia is getting worse. It’s never going to get better. 
 

[Greatful]

Did you read woody1981?  Reach out to him.  I did and he is very supportive.  I also reached out to kenA  for support, he can help you. 

Do you have family in the area?

You haven't told me if you were able to try the epson salt bath yet?  I haven't tried it yet and I suppose I should practice what I preach😁

Yes it is getting better, just not fast enough.  You made it through another day☺️

We still need to come up with a plan that will help you get through the days...........

What is your daily schedule?  Even if you don't feel like it you should plan small things to do.

Schedules help break the day up.

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

no I didn’t reach out to those two yet. I just feel like giving up

i haven’t tried the salt baths. My bathtub is not functional right now. So no baths

 

my daily routine is I try to go to work. And if it’s too much I come home and lay in bed and cry most of the time. I average 3 days a week at work

 

yesterday was better. But today is been horrible. I feel off balance. My brain feels foggy. I feel panic and agitated and depressed. Non stop ruminating thoughts. Suicidal thoughts all the time. 
 

I meditate everyday. I listen to sleep hypnosis to try and get my mind better thoughts. I honestly don’t feel this will every change and it just kills my soul

[KenA]

43 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

@Greatful

 

no I didn’t reach out to those two yet. I just feel like giving up

i haven’t tried the salt baths. My bathtub is not functional right now. So no baths

 

my daily routine is I try to go to work. And if it’s too much I come home and lay in bed and cry most of the time. I average 3 days a week at work

 

yesterday was better. But today is been horrible. I feel off balance. My brain feels foggy. I feel panic and agitated and depressed. Non stop ruminating thoughts. Suicidal thoughts all the time. 
 

I meditate everyday. I listen to sleep hypnosis to try and get my mind better thoughts. I honestly don’t feel this will every change and it just kills my soul

@Shellbell I know how terrible those intrusive thoughts can be!! I used to get them daily for hours and hours and it was day after day after day. I know how scary they can be, but you just have to remember that they are only thoughts. You do not have to act on them and they do not control you! You are a super strong person for going through this and you are going to make it!! I know how hard it is right now, but you just have to keep on holding on one day a time. And if one day is too hard, then one hour, or even one minute if needed! 

I remember when I was going through the very worst of it how hard it was to hang on each and every day, but you must hang on!! You have a very bright future ahead of you so just take it one day at a time and keep on breathing! You've got this!

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Do you have headphones?  Find some soft music or something you enjoy listening to and lay down and listen quietly and just breathe.  There has to be something on you tube that 

you could plug into.  Meditation, music, inspirational speakers.

Are you able to sit outside anywhere, patio, front lawn. Take a pillow and blanket headphones and what ever you like to listen to that will sooth you, lay down in the shade. Close your eyes and breathe or stare up at the sky, nature etc.  This would be a small step and it will feel better then laying on your bed and isolating yourself.  That guided meditation Mia1 sent you is good Chronic pain  I used it this morning and this afternoon.

 

Have you tried going for a small walk.  I know it is hard but if you start doing it everyday it does become a part of your day.

 

I know how hard it is to do stuff,  start small baby steps.  Anything small to help redirect your thoughts.

Promise me you will try this☺️

[Shellbell]

@KenA

 

thank you for reaching out. It's so difficult right now. The akathesia is horrific and I am convinced it's not going to go away. I am just so lost and hopeless right now. I can't deal with it much longer

 

@Greatful

 

I will try all those things you suggested. Thank you so much for your kindness...

[Greatful]

@Shellbell   I will talk to you tomorrow♥️

[Mia1]

Shellbell, I’m so happy to hear you will try the suggestions @Greatfulmade. It’s true, taking just one small step will make such a difference. Being in nature is so healing. Let us know how you do, thinking of you 💓

[BfromNJ]

I thought id reach out to you as well.  I am similar to you in that I tend to rumminate and catastrosize as well. With my issues, I will always think to myself "this will never go away" or "i will never get better" or "i cant take this anymore", etc etc etc.  You know what Im getting at im sure.  Many on here have gone through what you have or something similar and they have gotten better.  I myself have my better and bad days too.  And its soooooo hard to get out of that thought pattern that you are stuck with it forever.  I have been seeing a therapist and I am working on trying to change my thought processes. Do you have the ability to see someone?  

[Shellbell]

@BfromNJ

thank you for reaching out. It’s very difficult with the constant ruminating thoughts. I feel that’s the worst part. If my brain would stop focusing. I would feel so much better for sure. I hope you start feeling better. I actually work with several people right now. A hypnotherapist weekly as well as a life coach who went through this himself named Chris Paige. I also just spoke with Baylissa. 
 

hope you feel better

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I am glad that you are working with some outside help. Any good advice you get pass it along☺️

Who is Baylissa? Some other people have mentioned that name.    

How are you feeling today?   

[Mia1]

@Shellbellyou’re very fortunate to have a good support system of providers who understand what you are going through. Any advice in particular that has helped you so far? I’m interested in hearing what you have to say!!

@Greatfulgo to Baylissa.com, her site will explain who she is and the services she provides.

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

Unfortunately the only advice I’ve been given was that I will heal in time. I get it but not very helpful during the roughest of times. But I’m just trying to get through one more day

[Mia1]

Yes, as difficult as it may seem time and patience will get you there. Take it one day at a time and do whatever you can for that day to take care of yourself. Even sitting outside for a bit can make a difference. Maybe close your eyes, listen to the sounds of nature. This can be very healing. Is that something you think you can do today, even if only 5 minutes?

[Cheeky]

@Shellbell sending you hugs 🤗 

[Shellbell]

I wish medication worked for me. I’m desperately trying to find anything to help. I can’t continue on this way for years

[Hanna72]

Hi @Shellbell

So sorry to hear that you are struggling. It can and is very hard when we feel discouraged and hopeless.

As I can see from your signature you are suffering from akathesia, that must be awful.

Just to give you some hope, there is always something out there for all of us to find piece in, unfortunately we need to dig deep for it sometimes and it requires some work. 
 

13 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

I can’t continue on this way for years

No one should suffer like this for years. 
What kind of coping skills are using?

It really comes down to us, and only ourselves to explore what we can do to feel better.

I am sure you are doing everything you can to feel better, so please have faith in yourself, because you are more then capable to do it. 
Life has its ups and downs, you can’t control your surroundings but you can control how you react to it.

Know that you can reach anything you set your mind to.

Hoping for some light to come your way🙏

[Shellbell]

@Hanna72

thank you for your kindness 

my coping skills aren’t the best. Try to meditate every day. But it’s hard. My brain just ruminating constantly. The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming me every day. I just wish medication would help me. Or something for relief 

[Mia1]

31 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

I wish medication worked for me.

I want to share one last thing with you Shellbell in the hope that maybe it will resonate with you. When I first started this journey and ct’ed MMJ I was in PAWS. It was an absolute hell that I would not wish on anyone. My heart would pound day and night, I would sleep maybe two hours every three days, I had intense akathesia, I had such intense dp/dr that I would question whether I was real or not. I could not drive a car and was barely functional. I thought I had permanent brain damage and was terrified. It took months to slowly get better but even then I fought the way I felt. I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be back to “myself”, I wanted this experience to never have happened.

At the time, like you, I wanted medication to take it away. And because of that I didn’t do any of the work. I didn’t learn what acceptance was or how it could help me. I didn’t learn any non drug coping skills. My mantra was “I can’t do this, I can’t do this...” 

It was only when I stopped thinking about something outside myself (drugs) to help me and turned within that things started getting better. I learned what acceptance meant to me and gave myself some peace. I learned to meditate. I found meaning in my suffering and transformed it into the greatest teacher I have ever had. I learned how to rely on myself, trust myself and love myself. I have learned to become fearless.

So at some point you are going to have to make a choice, do you go on medication or do you accept this situation and change the trajectory of your suffering? You are at a crossroads but only you can decide which way to go. 

 

 

 

[Hanna72]

@Shellbell ok so listen,

when you meditate, the goal is not to be with out a thought.

11 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

My brain just ruminating constantly. The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming me every day.

It’s ok that your thoughts are all over the place. The goal here is to observe them with out making any judgment on them.

When we meditate, we are practicing to step back and look at our mind, it does not happen over night, well no good habits happen over night anyways.

You are not your mind,

Identification with your mind, which causes thought to become compulsive. Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don't realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering. 
No medication will help you with this, yes it might numb the mind, but isn’t it more powerful if you can do it on your own. The suffering might just be worth it even though it doesn’t feel like that at the moment.

[Moonpie]

That is so true Mia1.  Looking back in my life I realize there were points in my life I had full blown panic attacks, anxiety, so many things I am experiencing now. I remember times I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. When could only sleep a few hours a night. I didn't fear them or wonder what was wrong with me or is it going to end.  I just went through it.  Of course I had my husband then but it still was horrific. And just the other day I thought, what is the difference?  Why is this so much harder?  And I realized it was because after he died I took a pill to make it go away.  Before that I knew nothing of instant relief and just accepted it and went through it. I am still working on not thinking about getting out of it but going through it.  Each day, each symptom, each awful night or moment is a step closer to healing and I NEVER want to go back. The temporary solution will have consequences much worse and longer lasting than what I face.  I may need someone to remind me of all this again sometime but  hopefully not. 

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

 

I wish I could do all that. I keep telling myself over and over to accept and it will get better. But I just can't make myself belief it. I have been suffering for 13 months now with 8 months being off everything. So I have tried and tried so many non drug coping skills. I know that medication wouldn't work for me anyway, but the suffering is so intense that I pray for death every single day. I am doing my absolute best that I can. I won't take any more medication because I know it will make things worse. I am trying so hard. Fighting with everything that I have. I read your words and really want to be able to do those things you say. I try and try to accept. But akathesia is so consuming and horrific. I just can't believe it's lasted so long... And it's all day everyday. How does a person accept this?

[Mia1]

13 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

How does a person accept this?

You learn to accept this one moment at a time. You must truly be willing to endure the pain of withdrawal, this can not be faked. Once you do this, truly accept, then there will be no more pain. You have to find out what this means to you but here are some suggestions to get you started.

You acknowledge your symptoms and say right now I feel this way, it’s okay, I’m going to focus back on the present moment (whatever you are doing.) You start to learn how to view your symptoms objectively and without judgement. You give yourself permission to focus on something else.

The healing meditation I sent you is a great place to start. It will teach you how to view your pain objectively and then let it go. The idea is that every time you think about your pain you are practicing being in pain and then your brain only wants to focus on that. By learning to view your pain objectively you are creating new pathways of healing and over time are able to release the pain more easily.

You must be mindful of what you are telling yourself. Every time you find yourself engaging in negative self talk change the script. Encourage yourself, soothe yourself, become your own best friend. And remember that words are powerful.

Stop listening to your thoughts, they are only thoughts and only have as much control as you allow them. @Hanna72gave some really good meditation advice.

 I would also suggest you learn mindfulness, it helps keep you out of your head and grounded in what you are actually doing in the moment. 

All of these things I suggest are skills that must be practiced and cultivated every day. You are now ready to create healthy and self empowering habits that will nurture and sustain you. You can do this Shellbell, you are sitting in the darkness right now when all you have to do is get up and turn on the light. I’m rooting for you!!💗

[Moonpie]

@Shellbell please know I am not judging you or making light of your suffering.  My heart goes out to you.  I was speaking only of a realization I had the other day in my experience.   Praying your have a window of relief soon.  

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  You are already taking baby steps by reaching out and taking in the helpful suggestions😊  I also needed to hear these reminders from @Mia1@Hanna72@Moonpie  I am scared right now, stuck in a wave having some d/r, rumination, and several other symptoms.  It is a daily struggle but we can work daily on coping skills to get through this.  I am trying to accept but I see now that I have to truly accept for it to work.

I really love my weighted blanket for anxiety I use it for my bed blanket and I will often take it out around the house if I need it.  I use it when I meditate, it will help hold you down and it will make your feel secure.  I recommend you try and get one.  Another small step to help yourself out😊

 

Hang in there you have a many friends here pulling for you❤️

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How are you doing?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

im still here. Akathesia still present. I have a feeling it’s going to be here for a long time. Not sure I’m ever going to get better 

how are you feeling?

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Is it coincidental?  I was ready some success stories when your post came in.  I had some pretty rough days, high anxiety, depression, si, d/r, dizziness, brain feeling disconnected,  thinking rational a huge problem. Negative to the extreme.   Started to chase my tail, wondering what I might have eaten or changed that would have set off this horrific wave.  Just like you I started to dwell on" Will I ever get better."  Went to the success stories and got a spark of hope.  This is a hard journey, we all want to feel better.  The success stories tells us that healing is possible.😊

 

Are you getting a little relieve?  

Hang in there!  We will get through this together❤️

 

 

 

[KenA]

@Shellbell I lived in the success stories! Surround yourself with positivity as much as you can!! I know its hard right now but you are gonna make it through this!! Its not always gonna be this hard!! I was where you are and now i feel completely healed!! You will one day as well!! Just keep on burning time cause each day you hang on is one day closer!! You ARE going to make it!!!

[Shellbell]

@KenA

 

thank you for your kind words. I feel it’s too far gone. Quitting my opiate addiction seems to have really messed up my brain. Not sure I’m ever coming back to the person I was and it’s gut wrenching. This akathesia is brutal. Depression is brutal. Never had depression like this ever. The suicidal thoughts are terrifying. This is not me at all and I hate it so much

[KenA]

19 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

@KenA

 

thank you for your kind words. I feel it’s too far gone. Quitting my opiate addiction seems to have really messed up my brain. Not sure I’m ever coming back to the person I was and it’s gut wrenching. This akathesia is brutal. Depression is brutal. Never had depression like this ever. The suicidal thoughts are terrifying. This is not me at all and I hate it so much

@Shellbell I know exactly how you are feeling!! The suicidal thoughts scared the crap outta me too!! Every day for months and months!! They would pop up so randomly and were sooooo scary!!! But you have to remember they are not you!!! They are only caused by your withdrawal!!! Just let them be its ok to acknowledge them but then just realize they are only a symptom of your healing mind!! They will pass!!! I know the depression!! The hole in your soul that feels like it can never be healed!!! I know I promise!! Its not gonna be forever!! Just keep hanging in there!!! Tell yourself over and over "Im gonna be ok!!" Fake it till you make it!!! Its gonna stop one day!!! The old you is still inside and will come back one day when you are healed!!! Youve got this I know it!!

[Mia1]

12 hours ago, Shellbell said:

thank you for your kind words. I feel it’s too far gone. Quitting my opiate addiction seems to have really messed up my brain. Not sure I’m ever coming back to the person I was and it’s gut wrenching. This akathesia is brutal. Depression is brutal. Never had depression like this ever. The suicidal thoughts are terrifying. This is not me at all and I hate it so much

I want to congratulate you for stopping the opioid, that took a lot of strength and courage. You really are strong Shellbell.

 

You are in PAWS and the process can feel brutal. But it is normal, understanding this can perhaps give you some relief. 

 

If you’re comfortable sharing I would love to hear some of the positive changes you are making.

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

 

positive changes? Well not too many I’m afraid. My mind is just so stuck on negative right now. However I do meditation every day. I get out of bed and shower every day. Try to go outside with my dogs every day even if just a few minutes. I’ve been reading all the success stories I can. I tell myself I’m healing and I will make it through. But to be honest deep down I have a hard time believing it

 

currently the inner agitation/akathesia has been bad. Although I was able to relax last night and actually read a book. I love to read and haven’t been able to as much. 

[Mia1]

30 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

However I do meditation every day. I get out of bed and shower every day. Try to go outside with my dogs every day even if just a few minutes. I’ve been reading all the success stories I can. I tell myself I’m healing and I will make it through.

These are such positive things you are doing for yourself, you’re AMAZING Shellbell!! Keep this up, this is the key to healing faster.

 

36 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

Although I was able to relax last night and actually read a book. I love to read and haven’t been able to as much. 

THIS is progress, it’s a REALLY big deal to be able to just relax and on top of that you are reading!! I hope you celebrate your healing today. I’m so happy for you and really appreciate you sharing this. 💗🙏

[Shellbell]

I’m not able to do this anymore. The akathesia. Depression. Suicidal thoughts are just too much to handle. I just don’t know what to do anymore 

[Mia1]

I understand your healing has been slow but it is happening. It’s important to recognize the progress you have made. You are able to do the following things daily:

 

1) meditate

2) get out of bed

3) shower

4) go outside with your dogs

5) read success stories

6) practice positive self talk

 

You are also able to do the following even if it’s not daily:

1) work

2) read

3) relax

 

You may not think it but this is most assuredly progress. You are doing better than you are giving yourself credit for. So try your best to keep doing all of these things and allow yourself to heal at your own pace. You can’t rush it, I wish there were a way you could. Do the best you can and accept the rest. You have a lot of people here who really care about you and will be here for you until you post your own success story, which will be sooner than you think!!❤️