bicalu: Complete Erasion Of Personality

[bicalu]

Hello,

25 Male Germany

2014 - Mdma one time  Depersonisation for 2 Years

2017 -Ashwaganda for one month(seems to be Ssri) helpet with Anxiety but made me Anhedonic and Aggresive towards people for the first time in my life stopped without withdrawal

Oktober 2020- Ashwaganda for one Week made me anhedonic and insult my friends which i never did, upon cessation had one day withdrawal with extreme anxiety

Nov-December 2020 Catuaba( Ssri and Dopamin Uptake Inhibitor) slight numbness but not as bad cause of dopamin inhibition)

Now the real trouble starts in January 2021 when i started St.Johns Wort:

-First Day immediatly after taking anxiety hyperactive mind and sexual numbness

-After that no Libido

-After two weeks complete anhedonia everything was covered in a fog

-no motivation

-after three weeks i started crying for hours after waking up with suicidal thoughts for first time in my life and started listening to sad music for first time in my life

-stopped cold turkey after 4Weeks and had bad withdrawal with insomnia and weird thoughts about hurting myself which made me euphoric

-2 Days after withdrawal tinnitus in one ear , complete anhedoinia , Dp/Dr, everything was like in a dream

-next month i smoked kanna every day which is serotonerg maybe Ssri or similar to Mdma , which must have kindlet me a lot

-even after that i still felt like myself and i had hope and even a little bit of libido but what happened next was the worst mistake of my life

 

-March 2021 one Dose of Catuaba which resulted in immediat adverse Reaction and the next after i woke up nothing has been the same.

I felt complete inner Void as if everything i ever was , was erased, no more Dream like Feeling but just nothingness it is undescribable that was my only symptom for 12 Days .

On the 13Day i felt more nervous. On the 14 Day after adverse reaction i awoke to suicidal inner Restlesness/akathasia, which i endured till the evening then i went to the hospital. I refused medication for 3 days and then feared they would force me to stay for 6 weeks so i accepted Ativan/Lorazepam. Sadly they put me on high dosage of 4Mg for 3 Weeks. Cant remember much of these Weeks the sedation was too much. They kicked me out after giving me physical Ativan Addiction which i tapered to 0,25Mg per day now.

 

My Symptoms now:
-Complete Erasion of Personality

-feel void behind eyes and chest

-Since adverse Reaction not one positive feeling

-24/7 rumination about my mistakes and what could have been

-physical akathasia even worse than in the beginning ( probably cause Ativan)

-mental akathasia

-sometimes dark violent thoughs (worse since Ativan)

-complete hopelessnes it feels physically impossible to feel hope

-suicidal thoughts everyday

-cry everyday

-dry mouth and skin

-pain that feels like legs are getting pressed together

-cognitive problems (memory, concentration)

-hypersensitive to sun

-numbness in right side of face

-exercise intolerant

-I feel self hate since i never had the self counciousnes to stop those serotonergic drugs despite them obvioulsy causing harm to me

- head pressure

-acne

-5 hours of sleep

-cant tolerate closeness of friends, family and cat which i loved before

-i feel envy when i see normal people in the city for the first time before i couldnt care less about other people

-feel hate towards other people for first time in my life

-severe pssd

-no more anxiety towards people which i ahd ny whole life just anxiety about my situation

-my "window" in the evening consists of feeling just slight terror instead of complete terror never any sense of being myself again or happy

 

Since Ativan Reduction

-numbness in left arm

-tinitus even worse

-headache 24/7

-burning brain

-pain in heart (gone)

-acid reflux(gone)

 

I think Ativan stopped my recovery since symptoms seems worse now than before. I hope a few weeks after finishing the taper i will feel somewhat better.

 

 

 

 

I feel like i died after that adverse reaction. Only thing holding me in this life in the hope for a revival of myself.

 

I think pssd will be permanent since only people recover who dont have the severe symptoms that i have, but more important than that

i feel hopeless for recovery of anhedonia since people who have that kind of reaction seem to suffer for a long time or only recover to a

slight extend.

Nevertheless i will probably be suffering for a long time before i can get any better and i really dont know if its worth it in the end.

 

 

I feel self hate since i never had the self counciousnes to stop those serotonergic drugs despite them obvioulsy causing harm to me. I dont know how to forgive

myself. Before starting St.Johns Wort i even read about Pssd so i decided never to take Ssri....well pharma ssri but i was stupid enough to take plant ssri. I just cant

stop the train of self harted thoughts since the harm i did is so severe. Obviously no doctor , psychologist and family believe me so im coming here for some hope

so i can get through this horror alive with people who understand. Nobody who hasnt experienced this could even start to understand just 1% of how awful this

state of being is.

 

I cant even comprehend how this all happened it feels so  surreal. Its like im trapped in a bad nightmare and everyday is the same horror.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by manymoretodays

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @bicalu

 

It appears your history is mostly with recreational drugs, neuroactive herbs, and supplements to which you reacted badly, rather than prescribed psychiatric drugs?

 

When did this hospitalization occur?

On 7/22/2021 at 8:53 AM, bicalu said:

On the 13Day i felt more nervous. On the 14 Day after adverse reaction i awoke to suicidal inner Restlesness/akathasia, which i endured till the evening then i went to the hospital. I refused medication for 3 days and then feared they would force me to stay for 6 weeks so i accepted Ativan/Lorazepam. Sadly they put me on high dosage of 4Mg for 3 Weeks. Cant remember much of these Weeks the sedation was too much. They kicked me out after giving me physical Ativan Addiction which i tapered to 0,25Mg per day now.

 

How often do you take Ativan? What times of day, what dosages? What is its effect on you?

 

Please stop changing your drugs while we see if we can unravel this.

 

Also, if I were you, I'd stop trying neuroactive "natural" remedies. From your experience, you should know by now that you react badly to them. What we've seen is if someone has a bad reaction to a psychotropic (such as MDMA or St. John's Wort), often it's best just to let your nervous system slowly recover without attempts to fix it with additional drugs, "natural" or not.

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[bicalu]

I Stopped Ativan 1 Week ago. Now im Feeling awful all Symptoms are worse. Usually akathasia Starts after Waking Up. But today i woke Up and felt almost normal for 5 Minutes...but then that awful Feeling came Back so i think i Just felt good cause i was still half asleep and not because of Recovery....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shep]

@bicaluWhat drugs and supplements are you currently taking? 

 

Please set up a signature. Here is how:

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

A direct link to your signature is here:

 

Account Setting - Create or Update Your Signature

 

Since you just stopped Ativan a week ago, you can safely reinstate. You may not need to reinstate the entire dose. If you're interested in more targeted advice, please set up a signature and let us know more about how you tapered or stopped taking the Ativan. 

[bicalu]

Nothing.

I wont reinstate i tapered it down to 0,1mg then Stopped. But even at such low doses it knocked me out.

[Foxclover6]

This made me start crying uncontrollably, I dont even know how to post a new topic or where to post it which is upsetting considering the need I feel for help right now.  I'm almost at 2 months out and I'm having pain in my legs and arms, which is sending me into a spiral of worry that I have some serious myopathy and must need to go the er...but I also know that my anxiety is ruling my entire self so I always decide against going. I dont feel like a person, like the familiar self I know is not available to me, its like im not even here. Almost 3 months, corrected. 

[bicalu]

Im sure the leg pain is withdrawal. Mine is at its worst. I was standing on a bridge and police was called so i ran away to not end up in psych ward. They even searched me with dogs but i walked through the woods the whole night. I stayed there  and slept  on the cold ground for  4 days before going home where they catched me. Then after stopping ativan i was walking 14 hours a day cause akathasia was so bad. Now i cant even stand up to get food csuse my legs hurt so much.

 

I also cant emotionaly remember how it feels to be "myself" i didnt feel it for 1second since that adverse reaction like 6months ago.

People who never experienced this are not able to understand that its not a simple depression that can be helped by psychotherapy or meds. Its so annoying when everybody tells you to get help from doctors.

 

For me it feels like brain damage but i think the cause of the symptoms are downregulated 5ht1 receptors.

 

I just sit at home waiting for them to upregulate again. 

 

[bicalu]

Im feeling really bad today. Im in bed thinking about suicide since hours.

Are there similar stories of people already suffering withdrawal and then having awful adverse reaction worsening everything a lot? Im so hopeless

[Shep]

18 hours ago, bicalu said:

Im feeling really bad today. Im in bed thinking about suicide since hours.

 

 

Please see:

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

 

18 hours ago, bicalu said:

Are there similar stories of people already suffering withdrawal and then having awful adverse reaction worsening everything a lot? Im so hopeless

 

Yes, that's why we recommend reinstating. You're still in a safe timeframe to reinstate a small amount of the benzo to help with the withdrawal symptoms. 

 

Are you currently taking any other psychiatric drugs? 

 

Please set up a signature. Here is how:

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

A direct link to your signature is here:

 

Account Setting - Create or Update Your Signature

 

[Carmie]

How are you doing bicalu?🧡