Heinz1903: 4 years zoloft and now clean for 6 weeks

[Heinz1903]

It almost feels like i get Alzheimers and dementia symptoms at the same time my consciousness becomes more and i become more relaxed. The brain fog going away and i can think more rationally about the past. I feel less traumatized, As if look at myself from a different point of few.

 

as if i’m a building that collapsed except the outer shell but the inner parts being repaired and slowly.

 

but at the same time i feel like i’m coming backs, its a strange confused experience.

 

i don’t know what to make of it, either im experiencing my worst fear coming true or psychosis 
 

not that i did not have these symptoms before but, lately they are permanent felt.

 

@Ariel @Greatful can u please explain what is happening?

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

What we see here is that withdrawal syndrome very slowly fades, with lots of setbacks, over months. Since you have seen some improvement already, this is likely to continue as long as you don't upset your nervous system again. Treat it gently. You should avoid alcohol, antibiotic and steroid treatments (if you can), artificial additives, overdoing exercise, extreme heat or light; eat fresh foods, minimize sugar; keep regular hours to preserve your sleep.

 

See 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you? 

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

Please let us know how you're doing, this helps other people!

[Heinz1903]

@Altostrata

 

hanks for the encouragement!

 

yes, it is slowly happening. But it feels as if changes happen daily. I’m am also looking back on the withdrawal not in a view of it being total hell anymore.

 

But much more rational, that i did have it bad but less bad than i felt about that moment.

 

i’m also less scared for those looping intruisive thoughts, they are still there. Tormenting me, but i’m finally not in total panic anymore.

 

i feel so much more relaxed, even when it’s experienced. My worst fears fly over me, without minimal anxiety.

[Heinz1903]

I feel weird sensations in my brain. 
as if a nerve is bouncing around and it feels like little pressure deep inside my head.

 

[Heinz1903]

Sometimes it feels like my memory is not mine. sometimes i feel myself again. Its really weird, maybe this made me think i developed DID. But slowly and surely i accept that i’m real and alive. I can feel switch my attention and feelings on my memories and recognize them as my own.

 

mindfog is fading, true depersonalization too, extreme anxiety like the deep dread has gone away. The fears becoming less in the amount of different fears. Only thing thats left is a anxiety spam button repeating over and over. This also with a feeling of static in my mind and brain and soul this comes and goes. 
 

same pattern as the waves in my early withdrawal like the graph i ones made.

going from big long waves of hell, then deep and fast waves. Like spiked, slowly the spikes get less painful and they end up just being annoying spamming like feelings. Going away again, and again. With some deeper spikes.
 

At this moment i even stopped focusing on it that much, because if i focus on it will make the pain grow worse.

 

so i try to avoid looking at symptoms thoughts, and consciously pushing them away. Or ignoring. Trying to avoid to be ungrounded

 

i can say on thing it feels as if my brain is rebooting. Like a car having trouble to start the engine but slowly making the engine go on.

like have been reborn.

 

i get random memories coming back, like my strange diet patterns i had my whole life. Like my carrot obsession when i started tapering.

or jogging through the hills in early 2020 when the lockdowns that made us all into prisoners in our homes. 

this latest thing that happend for the last few days. This is combination with meta-cognitive training and brainspotting is helping me alot.  
 

while letting go off the old, looking back in a more rational point of view.

 

YES, i have experienced hell, maybe i’m still in it. Not making this into a succes story.

 

But there have been moments within that hell that where good, and moments that i wouldn’t care if i died.
 

@Altostrata

 

 

[Heinz1903]

Update:

 

i feel tension building up in my lower body, akathisia like symptoms.

can’t stand sitting still just te constan feeling of moving.

 

also changing appetite. Not that much hunger. Eating less the last weeks. Can also be related to heatwave

 

Still less affected by the thoughts that goes with it. Depersonalization is still a bull to be tamed.

 

Trying to fix it with jumping jacks

[Heinz1903]

Update 20-6-2022, Evening. withdrawal happend at 4:56

 

Day was going really great, no issues. No strange feelings until now, slowly getting out of the crazy thoughts. Experienced, Now laying bad with a tired mind and a very tired body. Scary of losing my sanity, i still know it won't be possible. This must be either neuro-fear or GAD

 

Trigger: HIIT workout. Then the post workout crash then i got the worst ahedonia ever. while i got a call for medical help & therapy with the withdrawal symptoms.

 

This followed with extreme anxiety of developing DID, incombination with DP & DR and Dissociation. Scary thoughts of hurting family members or developing psychosis. Scared of being totally fragemented. This comes up in waves normally but this is one long ride.

This anxiety is going on for almost 3 hours, it comes and goes.

 

Scared of me not thinking rationally anymore, or losing the talent of doing it. Reminder i'm really tired. This is a terrible wave. i don't even feel scared i just feel dissepointed. my grouding technique stopped working for a second. But i already almost came out of this wave before i was writing this.

 

Just wanted to tell everyone what happend. Again slowly fighting out of it.

 

 

[Heinz1903]

Update 20-06-2022

 

not getting out of the withdrawal induced dissociation.

 

it feels as if everytime i’m getting out of it happends again within a few hours.

 

it feels as if i’m driven over by a car, and everytime when i try to stand up i get driven over by another.

 

sitting here crying again, it feels so horrible again. Feeling also needle & pins all over my body. Mostly in my hand feets and face

 

My bad for tagging you guys again, i just want some reasurance.

@Ariel @Greatful

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

All the ups and downs you talk about are pretty typical, for me at least.

The frustrating thing is not to get discouraged when the waves hit again.  I look forward to having clear clean window.  Getting peaks of them is a double edge sword.  It gives you hope that you are still in there trying to make it all the way to the surface, but then the wave comes in again you sets you back to how long will this take, is it even possible.  Such an emotional roller coaster.   But as I read your thread, you seem to be handling it as well as can be, good coping skills. 

 

I was crying earlier too.  You know what, that's okay.  This is a comprehendible journey we are on... But are little peaks at near normalcy tell us we are healing.

 

You got this Heinz, give yourself a big hug for doing such a remarkable job riding the waves. 

  

 

[Heinz1903]

@Greatful am i finally getting there, are my symptoms part of the last phase?

 

Do you have any tips with the dissociation? it's as if i feel alive again but totally disconnected from myself. at the same time i'm finding myself again. my looking into the past.

 

 

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

I  can't really answer what symptoms come with what phase. To my understanding they come and go and at the same time new ones can come.

 

I have  D/R and not feeling connected also, it seems to be slowly getting better.  But it  is discouraging when it keeps poking it's ugly head along with depression and crazy physical symptoms   How do I deal with it well----sometimes I fight it, try to connect-- then sometimes you just have to sit in it and try to remind yourself that it comes and goes, and in  hopes that one day it will be gone for good.  I think one of the hardest things is not getting pulled back into the abyss of negative, panicked thinking---how long will this last- I am stuck like this--I just want my life back, at least some sort of connection to the life --  I have my husband to help me refocus and encourage me that it is getting better.  Do you have anyone? Is your mother still helping you?

Remember SA is here for you too. 

 

I've had some awful scary cold, disconnected violent thoughts.  They are scary and one of the first few times I had them I panicked about my brain was going to take over and would I do them and be aware of what I am doing, but can't stop it.  Like standing off to the side watching...Horrible, but the last time it happened I was able to remind myself that this has happened before and it passed within a few hours.

 

The I am going to lose my mind show's it's lovely head too.. It can  really feel like you are going insane sometimes, the brain panic, body panic and crazy thinking makes it feel like I am going to snap.  Somehow it calms down.  At least to a less frantic feeling LOL🙄

 

These drug are affecting us in our brains so that means our thoughts. emotions. So going off of them-starting them-adjusting doses all can affect us.

Look at how many neuro emotions, crazy thinking, disconnections and what ever else you are experiencing in the mind are going on with you now.  The chemical make up in your brain is shifting. 

Did you ever watch the documentary Medicating Normal?   https://medicatingnormal.com/

Here is a clip with Robert Whitaker author of Anatomy of a Epidemic.

https://youtu.be/5VBXWdhabuQ

 

 It might help you stay focused on staying off these drugs. Trying to learn helpful none drugging coping skills that you can use all  through your life.

 

Try to rely on the little peaks into normalcy that show up here and there.

 

 

[Heinz1903]

@Greatful 

 

Is this a sign if alot of chemical shifting in my brain?

 

it’s such a weird feeling…

[Greatful]

My guess there is a lot of shifting going on LOL There is a lot of chemical shifting going on around the world, they hand out these drugs for anything, bladder issues, problem, fatigue, back pain, stomach issues  not to mention any sort of emotional issues....don't get me started..lol  

I get all sorts of chemical issues going on in my brain that causes brain buzzing, tingling, numb, sizzling then of course it since it is messing with my nerves I get the tingling buzzing in my body mostly my legs and arms.  Muscles pain or cramping.  gums that swell and tingle/itch.  So yep the brain is really chemically unbalanced---the drug changed it now it's trying to find a hemostasis.

They don't call it a temporary chemical brain injury for nothing LOL

 

This is how Baylissa Frederick explains it in her book Recovery and Renewal

I recommend reading it. And going to her website https://mccare.org/

Down Regulation:

In the  cases of both antidepressants and benzodiazepines, the longer the drug is taken, the more the receptors change to accommodate the raised levels of neurotransmitters.  They become desensitized (less sensitive) or ‘down-regulated’ and remain this way during the time the drug is taken.  When the drug is discontinued, the cells then take time to readapt to the changes or to ‘up-regulate’.  During this period of readjustment withdrawal symptoms can be experienced. 

 

Let me know if you find the button to push so we can stop this horrible ride🎢 and find our way out of the horrendously awful amusement park

 

 

[Altostrata]

You will find your symptoms fluctuate all the time, and you will have to avoid triggering them with overdoing anything.

[Heinz1903]

@Altostrata

update 21-06-2022

 

i just woke up with the same feelings of yesterdays evening. I don’t know is withdrawal related it might be. But it got triggered by a HIIT training(high intensive training). After the workout i got a crash, like ahedonia. This was going on and it became worse and worse. It’s weird since a few months ago these workouts where done on daily basis.

It’s not fluctuation, it’s basically complete loss of identity except feeling myself. My brain just broke after the HIIT workout
 

everything feels strange, but familiair some times. I have complete ahedonia and feel lost. Brain fog is gone, i feel more. My hormones returning back to normal, no puffy nipples and mild breast growth is decreasing again. Testosterone is raising but I lost all emotions still.

 

Intruisive thoughts becoming less because i’m not bothered any more by them.

 

is this withdrawal related? Because if this is not a sign of my brain being rebooted than i’m rather going back in zoloft. This is just inhumane torture at this point. I just wanted one thing, life without meds. A life where i can experience joy. 

 

 

 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

exercise-do-more-do-less-do-nothing-what-worked-for-you

 

[Heinz1903]

@ChessieCat

 

i already have been doing workouts ever since the beginning of 2018, for some reason it also worked really well in workouts

 

except now. Now when i come back from the gym i get this deep deep dip, that lets me end up on hell. It gives me dissociation and depersonalization and Derealization.

 

this happend for the last 2 days.

i don’t know what is happening, but my nervesystem can’t even take a small boxing sessions?!

if i can’t workout and only lay in bed all day, what else do i need to do?

 

[ChessieCat]

Q:  Was there anything that you did differently which caused it?  Higher intensity, or same intensity but for longer, or different exercise.

 

The way to discover out what you are able to tolerate:  You reduce the intensity of your workouts.  Start with low intensity and then gradually build up to see what intensity you can do without causing too much stress on your system.

[Heinz1903]

@ChessieCatevery workout for the past 2 weeks causes this. I did HIIT which is really intensive. It was short exercises  but fast one.

 

this causes a following crash, total crash of hormones. The total system goes haywire. My mind becomes a war zone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Heinz1903]

I'm slowly overcoming the dissociation, New technique for me is just realizing that i need to make fun. Live life, ect.

Still dissociation, even when scared shitless.  i still pull through.

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

Maybe you should slow down the intense exercising.  I know how much we want to get back to normal...Staying busy is a good thing as long as it is within your limits and only you know how much you can tolerate.  Some say that it might slow down your recovery if you stress your body to much, here again it's really up to you.  I am doing more physical things and yes I feel it sometimes but sometimes it just plain feel good to push a little. 

 

Yep you will pull through.  It's all in the mind.  Withdrawal is not going to hurt you it's just very uncomfortable at times...

You got this

[Heinz1903]

@Greatful

 

waking up at 9, experience 3 hours straight depersonalization and a static feeling in my brain.

 

hellish thoughts of my fears becoming true. This is happening almost  always when i wake up. 

 

why does this happen?

 

after this I experienced headache and feel dizzy. Something is happening in my brain again. 
 

its now just a spam mail i can’t use techniques to stop it. It just goes spam spam spam. Can’t rationalize but i just know those irrational thought's bullsh*t.

but this time I experienced weird weird static sensations in my brain. I’m more aware of it.

 

yesterday i had a awesome day, no problems still experienced this. Everytime the anxiety is triggered by the thought of DID, or losing my control of me.

 

This thoughts don’t do **** anymore i just experienced pure static in my brain in combination with strange “woo woo” thoughts thats what i call then. Its just racing retarded thoughts.

 

[Heinz1903]

When i finally feel a bit more after the static. I feel dizzy and a strange fatigue as if i worked out after a long day of work.

 

This static is something i only experienced in late tapering and early few months.

 

nowadays i became conscious of it again. 
 

I can also feel the statics origin. It ls in the deep part of the centre of my brain. And it also have a little pressure there. 
 

the location of the static feeling is now feeling alot of pressure. Crawling on the back of my skull.

 

What i feel popping feelings. As if your nose is clearing. When the pressure is still going.

[Heinz1903]

Pressure is still going. Original from 1 spot, now my full brain. Now dizzy and a bit nauseous. Pressure is slightly less.

 

the crawling sensations are in the back of my skull.

[Heinz1903]

@Altostrataare strange fears that almost feel real but irrational part of the withdrawal?

[Altostrata]

@Heinz1903 please read these 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

and do not tag me to ask about garden-variety withdrawal symptoms. We've talked about this enough.

[ChessieCat]

This list shows a wide variety of possible symptoms.  Remember that the brain's job is to look after the whole of the body.

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen's WD Symptoms Checklist

 

There are many existing topics on SA where members discuss their various symptoms.  You can search for them using the site search function, or use an internet search engine and add site:survivingantidepressants.org to the search term.

[Heinz1903]

23-06-2022

 

panic attacks gone, dissociation was a shell of its former self.

 

increasing feeling of tightening brain, as if my head is either swelling or just one part of my brain is.

 

it also goes with nausea sometimes.

strangely this happend only for the last 2 days. Some what before but not this heavy.

 

but my troubles mentally are getting better, this may be a reaction of my brain stabilizing because it may feels like that.

 

my panic is gone for the most part, this brain sensations and nausea goes with this weird fatigue.

 

i smiled first time in 2 months, i love life again. I start to think my brain is rebooting. This pressure also came after i used EPA omega 3 again, and querctine.

 

atleast i see glimpses of myself again, thanks for the help guys!

 

 

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

You've got this Heinz.  One day at a time

[Heinz1903]

update 24-06-2022.

 

Depersonalisation is still a annoying issue, that i get keep getting confronted with. Mostly about the developed fears that i experienced in withdrawal about Depersonalisation 

 

yesterday it was the first day within 2 months that i was going out with friends, first time in a while that i was outside past 7.

 

i feel still haunted by the memories and the strange thoughts some times. Its much less

 

I have found some few causes of my heavy symptoms and what it may be is.

 

1. i have found out that it is a stabilizing effort of my body, because i was so drugged i only identify with my mind and less with my body and conscious than anything else.

 

i look at myself from a new perspective both about conscious, my body and mind/thoughts. I look at myself from a different point view. Which is a painful process. And this may have been the “fragmented” i was feeling a bit.

2. The alcohol, stupid choices i made, chewing gum with caffeine that i did not know off. Toxic world view, mostly depressed about the situation.

 

my coping techniques with depersonalization.

 

-natural chewing gum(no green tea extract)

-spraying parfum on my hand then smell it.

-just making fun again

-jogging

-ATT & metacognitive training

-brainspotting 

-crying( only one who knows is my mom)

-eating cookie dough ice cream, it works with alzheimer patients to calm down. Why not with me.

-coaching.

 

remaining symptoms summary:

 

PSSD:

is decreasing, first time 1.5 years, i don’t get mental break doing after doing my “thing”

 

anxiety:

stays but is not overblown.

 

depersonalization:

Almost gone. Sometimes i can recognized myself fully again i stead of half.

 

brainfog: 

is decreasing slowly seeing myself returning. I finally have laughed in the last 7 weeks. I did not smiled one it those 7 weeks.

 

Pressure in brain:

new symptom mostly comes in depersonalization in combination with strange fatigue

 

Feeling nauseated:

 

New symptom comes with the pressure in brain and with fatigue.

 

fatigue:

 

comes with the fatigue and pressure and feeling ill.

 

appetite:

 

did not have appetite for along time, now its returning. Strange that i find think not that tasty anymore in the wave of 7 weeks.

 

no taste, numbed taste buds:

 

terrible when i’m in a restaurant. I had this before but returned 7 weeks ago.

 

most likely these 7 weeks where a big wave. Because yesterday i realized its not that bad as it is. But when i was into the wave it was as if the hell I experienced was always the case in withdrawal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Heinz1903]

Update 24-06-2022 4pm

 

sleeping alot on the day, this is common lately. I’m trying to sleep through times where the withdrawal becomes to much. Giving my body energy to recover earlier. Especially in times of depersonalization or after. 
 

this is also good when my country is experiencing heatwaves, some what balancing my energy.

 

tonight i have a coaching session with a former victim of benzos 

 

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

I think there are days were your body needs the extra rest.  Yesterday I was so tired after lunch I had to lay down for awhile.  Look at it as your body needing extra rest to keep working on healing.  Hey maybe it's going to head into window.  You know the how it goes...The horrible waves is your body doing some more healing in a certain part of the brain, it worked so  hard,  now it needs the  extra rest, maybe a little bit of a window too.🌞

 

What mind games we play to get through the days.  LOL

 

[Greatful]

@Heinz1903

I think there are days were your body needs the extra rest.  Yesterday I was so tired after lunch I had to lay down for awhile.  Look at it as your body needing extra rest to keep working on healing.  Hey maybe it's going to head into window.  You know the how it goes...The horrible waves is your body doing some more healing in a certain part of the brain, it worked so  hard,  now it needs the  extra rest, maybe a little bit of a window too.🌞

 

What mind games we play to get through the days.  LOL

 

[Heinz1903]

@Greatful

 

eye sight improvement is significant.

my brain still melts sometimes. Horrible fearful emotions and dissociation

PSSD became less too.
 

i think if i overcome this last one, i would be having a succes story. My brain is healing faster than ever before. Brainfog is gone, most depersonalization is gone.

 

moments when i experienced hell become shorter. Ranging from 5 days with 1 split second of “me” but normal.

 

Now is 1 moment that i experienced these bad symptoms. Compared to 60% - 70% of the day that i feel well.

 

moments where i truly felt i never was on the drugs or never did withdrawal.

 

i wish i could he healed right away because hell keeps being hell.

 

now i make list of positive moments with my coach and mom.

[Heinz1903]

Update 25-06-2022

 

brain sensations after a nap.

like cold crawlings all over my head. Brain pain. Headaches. Nausea.

 

sensations have gone over to genitalia and other places in the body. It feels as if it’s injected with mint. I have been biofreeze. But then inside my body in certain places. This feeling might be caused by the airflow, but for some reason im conscious off it.

 

cold feeling on body but hot feeling on my head. Mostly the eye and side area.

 

really tired after my workout. Took a bap for 2 hours. Now just dissociation feeling woozy. 

 

something is happening in my body. I don’t know what. Something with. CNS for sure. I also experienced pins and needles in my hand and feet. Few in my genitalia area and eye area.

[Heinz1903]

update

25-06-2022

 

Increase in body temperature. most withdrawal symptoms decrease every day. Weird headache i still experience daily