☼ Floss: Set back

[ChessieCat]

SA staff and its members care about the other members on this site.  However, it is only a peer support site for tapering psychriatric drugs and as such we are not able to deal with emergencies.

 

I went for several years when I regularly wanted to commit suicide.  I read a book and something in it really helped:

 

It's only a feeling and feelings change.

 

Taking your own life is permanent.  Quite often the reason we want to end our life is because we want the suffering to end, not because we want to die.

 

Please read post #1 of this topic:

 

for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal

[ChessieCat]

1 minute ago, Floss said:

I reacted to all medication 2 years ago over a space of 4 months then recovered and have now been setback by a steroid, would going on something now cause awful reactions again ? 

 

Floss, we are not medical professionals.  The staff are people who have either completed our own taper or are still tapering.

 

I'm struggling to read and comprehend things at the moment due to my own issues so I cannot read through your posts, and you haven't created a drug signature so I cannot see your drug history at a glance.

 

If you had a bad reaction to psychiatric drugs previously then it might not be a good idea to try them again.

 

You say that you took an overdose of paracetamol.  Have you had tests for major organ functions since then?  You might have done some damage to your liver or kidneys.  Please note that I am not a medical professional.  My suggestion would be to see your doctor for a full medical.

 

And if you do have liver damage, then taking a psychiatric drug, or possibly other prescription and even over the counter drugs and supplements might be a bad idea.

 

These are just some of my thoughts.  And it is all that I can think of that might be of help.

 

Please see a doctor.

[Floss]

i haven’t taken the paracetamol yet , are you still in withdrawal too? 

[Altostrata]

@Floss, you got better before, you know you'll get better again, but it will be slow and frustrating.

 

Why have you decided this time it will be different?

 

8 hours ago, Floss said:

medication

 

i am in a setback from a steroid feeling hopeless and now after going through withdrawal and recovering they want to put me back on medication, if i took a huge overdose of painkillers to end my life and it didn’t work and i survived would my setback be worse? 

 

 

Not only would it be worse, but you'll be in the hospital and probably involuntarily medicated with a drug cocktail.

 

As ChessieCat said, we're only a volunteer group on the Internet. We don't even know your real name or address. We are unable to show up in person to help you. Please talk to someone in person right away.

[Floss]

hello , i’m still here but have a plan i’m sorry to say i can’t speak to anyone else as i know they will just want to medicate me . i’m eaten up by regret and shame for taking the steroid and can’t cope with feeling like this a moment longer , the morning anxiety is awful and wish death every morning as well as feeling deep depression and doom through the day , i can barely function and can’t engage in my beautiful children . to recover and then be setback is too much for me to handle . i can’t see many recovery stories from a steriod which i took for one day. i can only see people saying it’s what put them on drugs . seems it’s the worse thing i could have taken . I think i was lucky to recover before i really have no idea if i will again , i can’t live like this , i just can’t . i ruined my life and i’m a burden to my family now . if i can’t be a mother to them i’d rather not be here at all 

[Go2zero]

Dear Floss,

 

Please seek help with people you trust! I understand and feel your frustration. As Altostrata says, YOU WILL HEAL. And yes it may be slow and frustrating. But you can do it!

 

You are NOT a burden to your family. When i was 10 years old, my mother took her life, also after having taken medication that brought her in a situation comparable with yours.

 

She thought it was better also for her family. I can tell you, 52 years later I still miss her. She left 3 children and her husband behind. And this influenced our lives very badly. I am not the kind of person to say that it ruined my life, because I will always try to make the best of the situation. But children need their mother! They need you! And they love you, also in the situation you are now with yourself.

 

Children are strong and flexible! Be honest and open to them about your pain and frustration and they will understand and find a healthy way to deal with it.

 

Leaving your family is the worst thing you can do for them! It may ruin their lives!

 

In my struggle of withdrawal I have also felt suicidal several times. But as ChessieCat also said, these are just feelings and thoughts. 

 

THIS IS NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE!

 

Understanding and knowing that these are just thoughts and feelings can be a first step out of your current situation!

 

 

[ghm2018]

@floss
 

Please, please, please hold on and not give into those thoughts.

 

I, too, had a setback 17 months ago. Not from a medication, but from a non-invasive treatment.  The first several weeks were hell. I won’t lie, but I hung in there, despite the suicidal thoughts. Things will eventually begin to ease, not all of them and not all at once, but they will.
 

Please stay around for your beautiful family.  They love you more than you are able to comprehend.  And please know that you are in my prayers. 
 

-ghm

[Ktven48]

Floss,

 

You did this once before you can do it again! I read your whole story and it gave me hope. Please hang in there. Your brain will heal from this! Please keep up updated. 

[ten0275]

@Floss, hello.

 

I am really sad to read your post. My compassion goes out to you, and I hope you are ok. I can also relate to a degree to what you are going through.

 

My withdrawal from both benzodiazapines and mirtazapine were very painful. I lost so much time with my children when they were very young. It was impossible to be the father I wanted to be for a very long time. I had been on psychiatric medications from a very early age. I felt my brain was heavily damaged from the wide variety of medications I had taken. My withdrawal started in 2012 when I had a 2 year old son and my wife was pregnant with our second child.

 

In 2019, I'd reached the end of the taper from my final drug - mirtazapine. I was so incredibly proud of myself and once again, I was living my life. I was being a father again. Just prior to jumping from mirtazapine, one of my eardrums ruptured due to an infection. In the course of seeking treatment, I was advised to go on a common over-the-counter allergy medication, Zyrtec. I thought nothing of it. I jumped from my Mirtazapine when it was the proper time, and continued taking the Zyrtec through the summer thinking nothing of it.

 

In the fall of 2019, I decided I should not take the Zyrtec anymore because allergy season was over, my eardrum had healed, and I thought everything was ok. I stopped taking the Zyrtec.

 

Floss, every single one of the symptoms I had during my withdrawal from Mirtazapine came back - and with a fury. It occurred to me - later - that not only was my nervous system still healing and therefore vulnerable to any chemical, but that the Zyrtec had been affecting the same receptor sites - histamine receptors - as mirtazapine had.

 

Oh, I was so angry with myself. Because I had struggled so far and hard and long to get off my psychiatric meds and there I was again, in the pits of suffering. And it was my own fault for having blindly followed doctors' orders - yet again.

 

There was no real documentation on people having suffered what I was suffering as a result of the Zyrtec withdrawal. Yes, people had itchiness or other allergy-type ailments when discontinuing, but not the crazy, intense, out of control symptoms I was having. Brutal and nonstop feelings of anxiety, insomnia, restless legs, itching, wheezing, nausea, and generally feeling unwell. I was in bad shape Floss.

 

And like you, healing was an "unknown." I just couldn't find anyone who had gone through precisely what I had. But within a year, I was ok again. Actually it was less than a year, but after a full year I deemed myself once again healed.

 

I believe in the resiliency of nervous system. I know you feel your use of prednisone has somehow now damaged you beyond repair. But the resiliency - it's a real thing. We are absolutely amazing organisms. After having been on psychiatric medications for 30 years myself, having withdrawn from them in all the wrong ways first, and better ways later. Having screwed up with the Zyrtec and healing yet again. The idea of that cat having 9 lives really does apply - we are endowed with second, third, and fourth chances. Your brain and body want to return to their factory settings - and I believe they will. I don't think what you've done has damaged you permanently. So please refrain from making a decision that could be permanent.

 

Your family and the planet are better off with you on it. Please know that.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

Edited October 14, 2021 by ten0275

[Floss]

i just wanted to say thank you to all who has posted and i’m trying to hold on yesterday was my lowest point i think to date on this earth and today isn’t much better. your posts have meant so much to me though and i’m praying i can make it like you have , i have constant flash back memories of when i was well and able which is just awful . i have 3 daughters and a son who is 9 months i fear he will never know me , i had him in recovery and felt great he was like the sunshine over that awful time in my life and now i’m back in it and have no date to when i will be ok . i wish i could find some strength to fake it but it’s just not there . i have to function otherwise i will be medicated , ten0275 i also have the awful anxiety, depression, doom , rls , did you manage to function through it? 

[Floss]

ghm2018, i feel for your mother so much , it’s the most painful thing . A mother’s biggest worry is to be parted from her children so to take yourself away shows the suffering is too great . i really am sorry for everyone who has suffered on here 😔

[Go2zero]

23 hours ago, Floss said:

i just wanted to say thank you to all who has posted and i’m trying to hold on yesterday was my lowest point i think to date on this earth and today isn’t much better. your posts have meant so much to me though and i’m praying i can make it like you have , i have constant flash back memories of when i was well and able which is just awful .

 

These are typical symptoms when being in a wave. I experienced the same several times already. Thoughts that everything was better in history, feeling guilty or shame about earlier made choices (like medication, but also important decisions made in history). These are only thoughts that come up and are amplified through the chemical imbalances. Do NOT believe these thoughts. Just see them as energy coming and going, like a cloud that passes by. You are not these clouds!

 

Lots of the members here have been where you are right now. You are so much stronger than you think. Do NOT believe you thoughts. Let them pass by all the time! 

 

Look at this video of Mooji (one of the most important spiritual teachers of this time.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz51A7FL7zk&t=805s

 

You CAN and WILL heal. Give it TIME and TRUST

 

❤️🙏

[Floss]

this is very complicated but i got put on lots of different meds over a 4 month period almost 3 years ago , i then went through a horrific withdrawal and recovered after 14 months then got out on a steriod 5 months ago with brought it all back . i am so unwell have 4 children to look after and on the verge of ending things , would any medication now make this worse ? 

[Floss]

set back by a steroid 5 months ago 

[Altostrata]

@Floss, what are your most prominent current symptoms?

 

When you have a chance, please follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[Floss]

Anxiety 

doom

worry

morning anxiety 

depression

feeling of unease 

nerve sensations 

[Floss]

i took half a tab of lorazepam today as struggling so much in this setback, it gave me a lot of relief, the doctor wants me to continue for 2-4 weeks and then slowly come off , any thoughts on this ? 

[Altostrata]

What does your doctor mean by "slowly come off"? Coming off could take months, is your doctor willing to help with that?

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[Floss]

nerve pain mainly gone now though 

[Altostrata]

Just now, Floss said:

nerve pain mainly gone now though 

 

Was this from the lorazepam?

[Floss]

i did say it would have to be very slow , hopefully 

[Floss]

half a tab in the morning and half at night 

[Floss]

sorry no nerve pain was just getting better anyway before the lorazepam 

[Altostrata]

After a drug reaction, symptoms tend to slowly fade over weeks. 

 

Up to you if you want to take lorazepam twice a day and deal with tapering off. Please work with your doctor on this, as we don't deal with adverse drug reactions to steroids here and it appears your doctor is treating you.

[Floss]

i think it was a withdrawal setback to though that’s why i ask as the symptoms were the same as my withdrawal previously. i wonder is the nervous system can deal with it after a previous withdrawal? 

[Floss]

really need help

please , i was 5 months out in a setback and took 1.5 mg lorazepam , am i back to square one , i feel so panicked, can’t rest , feel sick , literally feel like this is the last straw ,  an i still recover now or would this have destabilised me further ? im

not planning on taking any more 

[Floss]

i e been scaring myself with horror stories lately that everything seems worse no worse can’t seem to relax anymore feel like im permanently damaged now , can’t function because of this 

[Altostrata]

Please explain how often you've lorazepam, and at what dosages, since last Saturday.

 

You're going to have to stop scaring yourself, @Floss

 

We still need a summary of your drug and withdrawal history in your signature Please find a computer to do this.

[ChessieCat]

50 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

Please explain how often you've lorazepam, and at what dosages, since last Saturday.

 

 

Alto left out the word "taken".  So here is what she wants to know:

 

Alto is asking how often (what days and times) you have taken lorazepam since last Saturday.

 

And she wants to know what doses you have taken.

 

 

[Floss]

0.5 taken once in the morning and once at night and once the next day so 1.5 in total and then stopped the burning seems to have settled now , fingers crossed . i just feel so awful and scared would it have undone the last 5 months ? 

[Altostrata]

What times o'clock are you taking lorazepam? How many days have you taken it every day?

[Floss]

i’ve taken it for one day and a morning, i haven’t had any more since sunday morning, so i took 0.5 in 3 doses over 1 and a half days and no more 

[Altostrata]

Occasional use should not result in any problems. How are you feeling compared to a week ago?

 

Still need your signature.

[Floss]

still not good and now obsessing over taking the lorazepam, i’m 5 months out from the steroid and the worst is a agitation in my leg and anxiety worse in the morning, and completely obsessive thoughts about the steroid and now the ativan , do you really think i can heal from this setback , i can barely focus as my mind is racing all the time with what’s happening to me 

[Floss]

oh and i took the 1.5 ativan in 24 hours not 1.5 days 

[Altostrata]

Need to see that signature. We're serious about this.