Escitalopram21: WD from escitalopram and quetiapine

[Escitalopram21]

Hello @Greatfuland Thank you so much for checking in on me ❤️
 

I am so confused. Living my whole life believing in authorities and in higher instances makes all of this so scaring. 
 

I have been trying to make sense of things and I belive I have sorted out the episodes in my life when i experienced these scary distorted thoughts, because i have had them before. I experienced them on my meds too but i THINK it was when first starting to take lexapro and after i ct’d and started again after giving birth to my son 8 y ago. When i first started lexapro it took my about a year or more to actually feel ok but i believed so hard in the meds so i kept taking them.
Then after ct and starting again i remember trying to paint and feeling like i went too deep into the painting, watching benjamin button and got superscared that it might happen to me too; going backwards and becoming an infant again instead of growing older. 
 

Two years ago i took a job as a social Worker working with kids and teens that couldnt live at home due to their homesituation. I couldnt do it for long due to my own traumas. Then i took a job at a school as an helper to the teacher, the situation escalated and the pupil l was going to support couldnt live at home anymore due to hus father drinking and not behaving well towards his family. 
 

during this time i had 10 mg lexapro, 50 mg xr seroquel and because of anxiety my doctor Said i could take extra 25 mg seroquel at night and i sometimes also took a benzo e few nights on top of my meds. This went on for 4-6 weeks. After that i Quit my job and didnt take any additional to my 10 mg lex and 50 mg seroquel. In a few weeks i my anxiety started attacking my thoughts. Out of the blue i started hating our house so much i couldnt bare to stay in it (i have always been someone who has loved beeing at home and loved interior) then i started investigating if our house was Moldy because i thougth that my thoughts was Meaningful and that it was my bodys way of Telling me that our house unhealthy. 
I started experiencing severe brainfog somewhere around this or even before(?) dont remember. 
depression also hit and i have never ever been depressed even my therapist recognizes this. Then Corona hit and i was home with the kids during lockdown and i was so depressed, anxious and so so tired. I was unemployed for the whole year and my thoughts were crazy, i could not stop thinking about my worksituation for even a second. It was the first thing i thought of in the morning and the last thing in the evening. I was in a constant state of fight or flight. I was during this time diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and thought all of my symptoms were from that. 
 

i got a new job as a kindergarten teamchef in the summer 2020 and was so sure that now things would get better. Brainfog continued, i was severely depressed and i was socially withdrawn at work. I couldnt talk to the kids parents because i was so sure everyone disliked me and i felt so worthless. My mind was torturing me about a friendship that had ended the year before. I kept Thinking about it first thing in the morning and last thing  in the evening. Amongst other things i ruminated over. I lost my memory, couldnt find words, didnt understand what people said to me and so on. 
 

In february 2021 i came across a post on instagram that said that ssris and other psychmeds Deplete you in Copper and creates ironoverload. I knew that ironoverload was something i suffered from and was sure that i could Cure my autoimmune disease by getting rid of my iron overload. then the spiral went on, i changed my diet completely and started decreasing my meds. In 2 months i was off both seroquel and lexapro. The three months following was the best in my life in a very long time. Until i crashed.

 

sorry about the Novel. Trying to make sense of things by writing. I have been thinking that maybe i have been in withdrawal since autumn 19. 
somedays i am certain about that and so happy to have found SA, other days i feel like everyone here at SA are nuts and that i should just keep taking my meds and everything Will be fine. 
 

Thank you for letting me know what Farout has experienced. 
I have experienced the fear of the moon, fear of watching tv, fear of babies, fear of harming my family, fear of sex and genitalia amongst other things. Also fear of anything or anyone that reminds me of beeing mentally I’ll. A grandmother at the kindergarten where i work is known in my city because of her illness and her behaviour. I couldnt separate my own self from her even though i only heard about what she did when picknick up her granddaughter, i didnt even meet her myself.

 

I am trying to hang in there. 
How are you doing? ❤️

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

How are you doing?

 

 

On 11/23/2021 at 1:46 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

other days i feel like everyone here at SA are nuts

I am nuts........🙄 All of us in WD are nuts....Are brains are out to lunch and we are waiting for them to return.😆

How fast a taper did you do with the Seroquel? And a month later you jumped of the Lex.?

If this is so, now wander your brain is scrambled.  

What is the hardest thing for you right now?

 

Only you know what is best for you.  I wish I had the answer for you.  Do research and make sure the drugs are not the problem. Learn what ever you can and make a then make a constructed decision with knowledge.   

 

I know this is scary and you just want to feel better, hang in there and you will get this figured out. ❤️ 

 

Here is a web site that has a ton of information on WD symptoms A-Z and how suggested way to how to cope.  How the drug companies do there drug trails and how they get them passed. I found it interesting and the cope and heal section helpful. If your interest open it up but it's also okay to if you don't want to.  I actually haven't gone through the whole site.

https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/page/about-withdrawal-project

 

Here is some links from on SA that might point you  finding books, reports, etc

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/23-events-actions-controversies/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/15-in-the-media/

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/16-from-journals-and-scientific-sources/

 

I really understand if this is overwhelming to you and can't go in this direction.  This all overwhelms me and I struggle to learn about it all.

 

Please take care of yourself ❤️

 

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Greatful

[Escitalopram21]

I have had 2 really good days in a row! Thank you for asking ❤️
I really hope that having a few good days every second week is a good sign for fast recovery 🤣 as that is what We all hope for. 
 

I ”tapered” seroquel in 4 weeks, had a two week ”break” and then”tapered” lex in 4 weeks. So yes, it was almost ct with both. 
 

The hardest thing right now is going through this with Young kids. I am doing it for them since the drugs were made me Loose my memory which made me severly depressed, but also scared that doing it now while they are so Young is going to harm them mentally. And don’t know how Therapy is going to get affected either.
But as a symptom I’d say dissociation and the out of nowhere  feelings of scare/panic from random things.
 

Today my husband actually said that he feels like i am better off my meds than ON them which was a huge conformation that maybe, maybe i am doing the right thing. 
 

Looking at your signature We are superclose in dates with beeing off the seroquel. 8 months ago, wow. How are you? ❤️

 

[Escitalopram21]

Checking in to tell you that in the terms of physical anxiety, i have had 8 really good days. 
i have had a bad flu but have actually been able to enjoy myself in bed. 
Still experience distorted thoughts now and then, and my brain is not my own at times but Anyways. Some progress it seems ❤️

[Greatful]

Wow 8 days of feeling really good, super.  We can heal❤️

 

Your husband sounds supportive. My husband is my #1 fan for staying the course and get off these chemicals......

I think they are going through a lot themselves.  It can't be easy to watch someone they love go through such a pain experience.  A great big hug and thank you to them❤️

[Escitalopram21]

Thank you so much @Grateful. How are you doing? I was worried about you there for a while ❤️

[Escitalopram21]

Would you consider symptoms changing/returning at 6-8 months off drugs to be withdrawal or old condition returning?

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

How are you doing?

[Escitalopram21]

@Grateful

Thanks for asking!

My symptoms are ranging from feeling superflat to having those very High-anxiety moments and days to those strange thoughts and sensations that i wrote about some time ago. 
 

right now anhedonia is the worst 🤯 

How are you?

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

I can sure relate to the no motivation.  I have no energy and feel so fatigued all the time.

Not the I need to sleep but the physical and emotional fatigue.  Sounds like we are in the similar boat with the ups and downs with anxiety.🥴

 

 

Sounds like you are still working.  That is a huge accomplishment. ❤️

 

[Escitalopram21]

Have you noticed any improvements lately? @Greatful

How has your Christmas been?

 

I have developed a strange phobia of the dark and parking lots lately. It just game up from nowhere, when Im experiencing anxiety. So strange. 
 

Yes i am working. Started a new job 1st of november so i am superproud of myself for accomplishing that. and to be honest i feel the best at work. Then i dont have time to ruminate and just sit and do research online. I am working as a kindergarten teacher so absolutely no time to ruminate at work 😂 

 

I had a lovely window this morning were everything felt possible. Didnt last long but today is a decent day anyway. We ARE improving and healing ❤️

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

Wow, you are teaching a classroom full of kids. That is something to be super proud of.

 

That you for sharing you crazy phobia.  I get them all the time.  Hard to be around people sometimes.  Crazy thought like hearing my hubby snore is unsettling at times. Sometimes looking into kids eyes creep me out.  Many more 🙄 I got all this when I ct'd Seroquel.  When I am in a huge wave and my brain is very disconnected the out there thoughts start in strong.  

I am learning not to get so scared of them now because I see that it comes in with the waves and gets better when things settle down a little.  I tell myself the brain is not connecting the dots again today and it is trying to find a reason for my unexplained fear or the phobia from childhood trauma is morphed and out of realty.

 

 

 

 

[Escitalopram21]

@Greatful

Thank you! I really try to remind myself of how much I am doing and accomplishing on top of WD but i am my own biggest critic so i best myself up everyday for things that i can’t do now that i did before. 
 

And Thank you for reminding me that the strange thoughts are ACTUALLY better and sometimes gone when not in a wave. I have a really hard time accepting that this is withdrawal since my Therapist doesn’t validate me in it. She thinks this is my original condition so on my bad days i tend to believe her. 
 

So, so sorry about your loss ❤️ You are so strong, hang in there!

[Escitalopram21]

Checking by to give you an update.

 

Most days i dont have physical anxiety. My mind is very limited though. I can’t imagine myself socialising, going on small trips with my family and sometimes i can’t go to the store, be outside while dark, be alone and many more. 

I am beating myself up everyday because of the things i can’t do. Even though i am trying not too.

Get so sad about going trough this with young kids (8,4). Just want to feel ok for them and enjoy life a bit. 
Somedays i am close to throwing in the towel.

[Happy2Heal]

22 minutes ago, Escitalopram21 said:

Checking by to give you an update.

 

Most days i dont have physical anxiety. My mind is very limited though. I can’t imagine myself socialising, going on small trips with my family and sometimes i can’t go to the store, be outside while dark, be alone and many more. 

I am beating myself up everyday because of the things i can’t do. Even though i am trying not too.

Get so sad about going trough this with young kids (8,4). Just want to feel ok for them and enjoy life a bit. 
Somedays i am close to throwing in the towel.

 

hang in there, you're doing great

try to remember to just take one day at a time

 

look for one good thing every day and focus on that and anything else that is at least neutral to good in life in general.

 

your kids may not be as affected as you may worry they are: when I was in the worst of acute WD no one else was aware of it at all, they thought I was fine!

this amazes me because to myself I was a total basketcase and unable to make sense of what was going on around me. but somehow it didnt' show

 

you will enjoy life and your kids again, hopefully soon

 

[Escitalopram21]

@Altostrata

I have been holding my current dose for 3 months +. How do I know when to do a taper? 

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

I go through these thought a lot.  Then I will get moment, hour and that I feel a sense normalcy and then back in the hole again.  But not as far back as I was.   

I can totally relate to going to the store or being around people.  

Do you have any good flash backs? 

 

 I get sucked into childhood and experience the intense feeling and I find my self reverted back to who I was then. They are painful to feel and very discouraging to feel,  I just do  not feel like that ever again.  But I also have to realize that that is the past and I am can be okay right now.  

 

I think I've had a form of dp and disassociation for years.(morphed more though now in WD).  I found out this is a from of self protection.

I just can't connect emotional with people.  But I find that awareness and learning about it helps to not be so afraid of it.

Maybe you shouldn't do trauma work right now.  My therapist was against it when I am WD.  I talk to her about the trauma and the things that come up.  She is guiding me on how to accept myself, love myself and let's me talk . She is tough sometimes though lol. 

 

 Since I have been able to share some of my deepest fears/pain and thought distortions she is able to work with me on how to get past them.  Boy have I sobbed and exposed my pain to her lately.  I think she even had tear in her eyes once.  Sometimes just letting things out and letting the talk go where it may is helpful.....Sometimes I have a list of things I want to share with her....A flashback, the pain of WD, I even go on and on about these drugs, my fears, when and what I should push myself with.  Crazy as it is I will have epiphanies sometimes just by talking about my things. 

 

 

I wish I had a magic wand to give us the answer on what to do. 

 

Just know that you are doing a great job just learning about yourself and working on healing.

Not to mention going through WD, working, and trying to raise a family.❤️

 

Your kids do not care if you do big things with them.  Show them you love them, if you can read to them, just spending time with them .  Security and love is a big part of what they need for a healthy brain development.  What more would you have wanted from your childhood, trips, material things or security and love.  Do you provide a safe place for your kids?  I really think if I had the feeling of security from my childhood I would probably be in a better place today.  

 

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by Greatful

[Altostrata]

5 hours ago, Escitalopram21 said:

@Altostrata

I have been holding my current dose for 3 months +. How do I know when to do a taper? 

 

How do you feel compared to how you felt in November?

[Escitalopram21]

@Altostrata

I would say that i feel pretty much the same. Sleep havent changed, i sleep 7-10 h every night. I got the vaccine last week and didnt have an Uptick in symptoms. I work 30h a week. But thats about it.

i dont socialize. I have days of anxiety and dysregulated ns where i can experience almost any symptom. I have had trouble with angermanagement lately. I snap at my husband.
 

Some days i dont want to ever make a reduction again. I know its not recommended here but since i have small children i dont know IF i can even make a reduction in years. 

[Altostrata]

On 1/11/2022 at 5:40 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

I am beating myself up everyday because of the things i can’t do. Even though i am trying not too.

 

Is this a habit of mind you've had for a very long time?

 

Do you currently have any symptoms you attribute to withdrawal?

[Escitalopram21]

Unfortunately, yes. For three years. Worse now during wd but still nothing new.

15 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

Is this a habit of mind you've had for a very long time?

 

I am sure anymore what is wd what is my original condition. Burning sensations in my brain at times is a wd symptom.

Anxiety and racing thoughts somedays, every now and then i seem to not be able to get out of old memories, especially the bad ones. 
Superstiff back and tension in my body.

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

I hear the sadness and I am worn out in your voice.  Please hang in there.

 

WD is a beast and so is trauma.  What can I do to help you?

You and I  share so much in common, but know that we are not alone.  So many of us are going through the same things.   The other day I read a whole bunch of success stories and found some hope again......

 

[Altostrata]

Your sleep is okay, and while you don't feel very well, it appears your withdrawal symptoms are relatively mild. 

 

What are you doing for exercise? Are you able to get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, each day?

 

On 1/12/2022 at 3:13 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

....

i dont socialize. I have days of anxiety and dysregulated ns where i can experience almost any symptom. I have had trouble with angermanagement lately. I snap at my husband.

....

 

 

Is there a social-type activity you can do, maybe with your husband and children, to bring a little fun into your life? Perhaps a daily walk?

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Please let us know how you’re doing.

[Escitalopram21]

@Greatful

oh dear! Id love it if you could help me and I would do anything to help you too! ❤️
Yes I am worn out. I truly am. I dont get more than a few seconds without rumination and sadness. Crying spells, angry outburst and the constant fight or flight reaction that has malfunctioned. I would do anything to make this stop. Not to make me feel better, I truly dont care abput that anymore. I just want to NOT ruin my childrens childhood. That is ALL i wish for.

[Escitalopram21]

@Altostrata

I can’t do walking every day. Somedays I dont go outside due ti scary thoughts/trauma. i go walking about 3 x week. 
I work 4 days a week as a kindergarten teaches so i Spend 1,5 h  outside everyday. 
 

I started fish oil two weeks ago, have had a little better energy. 
 

I have had looping thoughts for 3 y now. 3,5 y ago i had a stressful job so i  added 25 mg seroquel and a benzo on top of my 10 mg lex and 50mg xr seroquel. Did this for about 4 weeks. 
after stopping the stressful job i started experiencing anxious, looping thoughts that just changes what they target. Is that something heard of before when wd from seroquel?

 

Your support is greatly appreciated.
 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Do these thoughts have similar themes?

[Escitalopram21]

On 1/17/2022 at 1:35 AM, Altostrata said:

Do these thoughts have similar themes?

Yes. My worthlessness. As a mum, friend, teacher, that our house is not healthy, that my kids are not healthy and so on.

[Altostrata]

11 hours ago, Escitalopram21 said:

Yes. My worthlessness. As a mum, friend, teacher, that our house is not healthy, that my kids are not healthy and so on.

 

Do these thoughts go back many years, perhaps to before you started escitalopram in 2009?

 

These sound like habits of mind you can learn from and manage. Strongly suggest you see a therapist or other coach to address this.

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

Sending you a hug🤗 

 

  Please try to remember you are a kind and decent human being.   You have so much love in your voice for your children.  It would be such a gift to yourself and your children if you could find a way to love yourself......

You are going through a very difficult time in your live. Don't let this define you.  

I know if you look deep inside you will see that you care very much for yourself. If you didn't you wouldn't hurt so much.... You had childhood trauma and this has influenced how you view yourself.....Connect with the inner child, reassure her that she is loved and safe now.

 

I often have to repeat to myself       I love myself, God loves me, I have nothing to fear but fear it's self.   Find positive affirmations that resonate with you. 

 

You can do this❤️ 

 

[Escitalopram21]

Thank you @Altostrata

[Escitalopram21]

Thank you so much for your kind words @Greatful

You are absolutely right and that is my main goal in life. To be a better parent than my parents were. That is the thing that hurts me the most with withdrawal. 
 

havent spend much time in here lately. i am in some sort of a window and it feels very fragile and SAD is triggering. Hope you are doing well ❤️ Warm hugs from Finland ❤️

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

How is the window going? 

You already are a good parent❤️

[Escitalopram21]

Oh @Greatful❤️ How can you be so kind and caring when going through the same **** as everyone else? 
Your words always hit home and make me cry from feeling so cared for! 
 

The window lasted for two weeks! 
And to be honest I dont know if I can call this wd anymore? I just think it is my original condition along with a big portion of helplessness now that i know drugs wont fix my problems. I envy people at work and online that opens up about starting a new drug and they are experiencing such a honeymoon! Like ” now i finally feel like myself, dont give up, switch medicnatons until you find The one”. 
And i am reading and trying to learn so much about my nervous system and having so many eyeopeners all the time.
But also realizing that even though my husband is supersupportibe right now he havent always been, so i dont trust him. I dont know when he’ll lock me out again, leaving me emotionelly to deal with my anxiety, the kids and Household. He is prone to freezing response in front of his tv-games.
I seriously consider moving out and it scares the **** out of me. i dont know how to move beyond our past.

 

How are you doing? ❤️

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21

I wish I could give you a big hug😊

3 hours ago, Escitalopram21 said:

i dont know how to move beyond our past.

 

I have to say my dear friend I smiled when I saw this because even without you realizing it you are moving beyond your past......The small changes you've have mentioned in your behavior/thoughts, I hear it more strength in your voice, you are seeing a SE therapist...Your facing your past and your fears. You are learning and educating yourself, this will give you even more strength and confidence as you move forward......The steps are small but they move you forward....

You and I will need to remind each other of this❤️.........I have the same issue, I have a *** understanding about things so I think I should be all better, like turning a key to open the door and walk over to the other side and everything will be better.   We've thought and reacted this way for years so we have made a trench pathway in our brains.......We have to slowly make a different pathway of thinking and reacting to things....So in other words we are driving in a rut and we just need to slowly move out of the rut.......The funny thing is sometimes we make things more complicated then they really are..   Do you do any CBT work with your therapist?  You might look at Therapy in a Nutshell on You tube here is the link

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=therapy+in+a+nutshell

Find the session on Cognitive Distortion.  She lists the 10 common distortions and explains them and then she has a session on how to Change the way you think Cognitive distortions part 2  I am doing the whole 1-30 sessions on How to Process your emotions..

 

I am glad you are seeing that the drugs will not fix your problems.....Just think of how much strong and healthier you will be when you can face life with all your brain faculties.  I think the drugs actually make us sicker in the long run........We can run, stuff and ignore until the body pushes back. 

I don't know what to tell you about your husband.......You say right now he is supportive, can you lean on that for right now......  Do you feel safe? Why would you move out?  Is it to get in front of the what if's " Move out before he freezes me out"?   Do you still see your other therapist?  Could the 2 of you see him/her about what's going on between you too..

I would be nervous about making a big change unless staying is getting in the way of your healing.......

 

You are doing great, painfully slow on all accounts but you are moving forward......😊

Here is to your next window and the small step in emotional healing❤️

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Escitalopram21  Stopping by to see how you are doing.  You've been pretty quite so I am hoping things are going okay for you.❤️

[Escitalopram21]

@Greatful

I was doing good. But my therapist kept suggesting i take another drug to get me through traumatherapy. And at first i felt like she was crazy but slowly the thought started settling in my mind. 
maybe i needed a drug, We kept talking about if i had adhd so i started taking wellbutrin a few days ago. Now having rapid heartbeat and anxiety. Dont know what to do. stay on it or not.