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The ”going back in time” phenomenon


Escitalopram21
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Of all the symptoms I find the going back in time to be one of the most disturbing in everyday life. 
I can’t seem to get out of me head in into the real world. 
Have started meditating but right now it just seems to make things worse. 
Anyone else really struggling with this? And tips on how to make it better?

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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When I was going through escitalopram withdrawal hell my mind was obsessed with all the wrong decisions I had made and I believed the only solution was to go back in time and make different decisions. And since that wasn't possible. All was lost. And then I would restart "the loop" of thoughts and obsess about all the wrong decisions. I don't know if that's what you mean by "going back in time"? I'm not caught in that hell anymore but still struggle with an overactive mind. I like the app called "The tapping solution" and the free session called "quiet my racing mind". Perhaps it will work better than meditation?

 

Here is an intro link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAclBdj20ZU

 

 

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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Thanks for your answer @Kiasofia!

i am not ruminating over my decisions it is more like a smell, a sensation or something in a situation that triggers a feeling of going back in time. Like when going out for a smoke i suddenly feel like my 10y younger self and i feel like sitting on the stairs at our old house were We used to live when i started the meds. And once in spring when it was warm i felt like 19 when i was on a trip to spain. Is this familiar to you?

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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Oh I see. I can relate to smells being powerful memory triggers. But not as something withdrawal-related. I've always had that. Usually it's positive memories and just nice. To try not to get lost in thoughts, which I struggle with in general, I try to feel the palm of my hands by focusing my attention there until they start to tingle. (Mindfulness stuff)

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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Hi

@Escitalopram21

 

I think I might have experienced what you mention but in a positive way. 

Before taking ADs, I used to call it "feeling the seasons" I never really thought it was a thing or if it had a name, sometimes a smell or sight would make my body feel as if I was in a time in the past.

I could relate these particular feelings to specific years or periods of time and they were always different for each experience I would think things “like this is how the year 1999 felt”. For me it was a nice experience because it made me remember pleasant times. However, since taking ADs I haven't been able to feel that anymore, withdrawal has numbed me from many emotional and physical sensations I used to experience.

 

Might this be what you are referring to? Does it take you back to a moment in your life where you were feeling distress or living in a bad situation and maybe that’s why it feels so disturbing?

Withdrawal can make negative emotions feel even more negative throwing us into emotional spirals or trigger neuro emotions, so maybe something you perceived as a mild discomfort during a period of time

is now perceived as a disturbing memory perhaps?

 

  • Started Taking Cymbalta on Dec 31 2015. Went from 30 mg, up to 120 mg until Oct 2016
  • Oct 2016:  fast tapered per doctor's instructions,  in just 2 weeks went from 120 to 90 to 60 mg 
  • CT from 60 mg to 0 and then reinstated after 3 days, then found the 10% method.
  • Tapering since October 2016, lowering by 10% of dose reductions (of original dose which was too fast)
  • May 2017: 7.2 mg/day
  • Nov 2017: 2.7 mg/day  tapered to fast, took a rest
  • Jan 2018: started reducing 2 pellets per month (took more than a month if needed)
  • August 2018: 1.8 mg/day  (10 pellets left)
  • September 2018: 9 pellets left
  • January 2019: 5 pellets left(reducing 1 pellet per month)
  • June 25 2019: last bead taken
  • Forever Free!!!
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YES! Thank you for answering to my post! That is exactly how I feel. 
I feel so relieved that i am not alone. 
 

Unfortunately i can’t seem to remember anything positive or reexperience anything positive. And thats the thing, i can’t seem to remember Hardly anything positive about the last 10y when i started my meds. And even before that, i mostly remember feelings of anxiety, sadness and other negative feelings. 
 

i dont know if this is a Wd thing or not. I hope it is.

 

So interesting to me that you have experienced it in a positive way since i hardly havent. Makes me wonder even more if my Gad diagnosis is wrong and i am actually suffering from cptsd. 
@PapayaShake

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Mentor

@Escitalopram21

I think when in wd and are brain filter is not right and a lot of different things inter twine.  As like you escitaloram I  have some personal childhood trauma. Dealing with both WD and trauma at the same time a horrendous ordeal.  Try and take baby steps and heal yourself from the past.  Learning to love yourself and accept yourself is a key to healing.  Do you have a good therapist?  Mine has been really good at helping me to learn how to navigate through this whole nightmare.  Patience is needed, things don't happen overnight.  Things/concepts slowly click and start to make sense and you just keep building from there.  It is sad to say how distorted my thoughts and how I view things is way off.

 

When you see yourself as that young child, speak to her, let her know that she is okay, hug her and tell her you love her.  Connect with her.

 

 

So I am noticing in WD is that everything is getting jumbled up together. I have ruminating like @Kiasofiafrom the past things I have done and can't change, also the triggers that send you back to the past.  I have been thrown back in time from various trigger.  I felt like I was there again, I almost could feel the air and feel the emotions.  Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are horrible experiences.  Some situations have made me flash  back in my childhood  bedroom like the scared, frightened 10 ish year old girl panicked, lost and so alone.  I felt like please someone tell me what I am suppose to do.  I am scared and alone.  It was sad to see me, at the age of 58 and feeling like I was 10, hanging on to my husband in tears filled with the same fears and uncertainty as a young child.     

For me I am noticing that the  memories are more vivid.  I think the drugs dulled the emotions before and made it easier to stuff. 

I found relief when I read threads on the Symptoms & Self-Care forum on these topics, rumination, reliving past mistakes, ect.

 

I do believe that we have some ptsd going on. I was telling my therapist about a sound that sent me back to home at a really young age outside in the summer time.  I was there, I could almost feel the air and feel the feelings I had at the time.  We referred it to a flash back.  If you feel as though  you are there again it is a flash back

 

For me I am trying to let myself feel the emotions/feelings.  Learning how to  feel the emotions both good and bad helps us to accept things both good and bad.  

 

I have a Your Emotions and a New Beginning  meditation I have been using.  Learning to let ourselves feel the emotions both good and bad helps us to accept things both good and bad.  

https://youtu.be/07n2KGoMOFc

https://youtu.be/1VgMbYujjS8

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 300 to 400mg a day 

Xanax 0.625 3x a day   Trazodone 25mg  Holding these

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg>  5/2 3mg > 6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.70 mg>  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg>  8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.26mg

Lamictal  7/17/2022  25mg

Supplements  Magnesium 300mg-400mg

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On 10/31/2021 at 1:34 AM, Greatful said:

I do believe that we have some ptsd going on.

 

Great post there @Greatful 🙂

 

Bessel van der Kolk's book is the single most helpful on this stuff I know of.  EMDR has been reliably allowing me to heal from various major damage from all ages.

 

On 10/31/2021 at 1:34 AM, Greatful said:

Dealing with both WD and trauma at the same time a horrendous ordeal.

 

It is, but they are so intertwined for me.  Therapy enables more tapering, tapering allows more therapy.  I am back in the early childhood muck again and these feelings are terrible but facing and processing them with my adult (ha 🙂) brain means they'll be gone for good.  Best thing is how this all ties back into the external world and reconnecting with the previously lost bits of my community.

 

❤️

 

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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I have been experiencing so much of these young memories since beginning acupuncture 3 months ago. Starting acupuncture also coincided with hitting a terrible wave when I hit 10 beads of Effexor (11 beads-forgotten dose, then dropped to 10 beads). After last acupuncture tx I woke up the following day with STRONG feelings and memories of a summer when I was 4-5 years old. The feelings and memories persisted for several days, so much so that I asked my older siblings if something had happened during that vacation that I was not aware of. They reported nothing that they knew of. My point is that I do feel there is a type of trauma in my past that I am not aware of intellectually. No memories. But I feel it; the anxiety comes up, out of my control. @GratefulI so understand you breaking down to your husband, feeling like your 10yr old self. Ditto for me. I fully ascribe to embracing our younger selves to help them from what we couldn't understand and protect ourselves from when we were young. I really appreciate your post about what you are experiencing. It is such a strange occurrence to physically feel the feelings of being that younger self again. And I so appreciate @Escitalopram21that you broached this subject. I am very glad to know that I am not the only one experiencing this phenomenon. It is hard to realize that you can't just move on until you try to understand or resolve whatever these feelings are from. To go back and figure them out, work through them, so that you can function in the present and move into the future. I can remember positive memories of my childhood, but there are some memories that induce physical reactions. @haydukeI appreciate all of your posts. I enjoy all of them and learn from them. And I laugh at so many. You seem, to be a very positive, strong person, and so very open and honest. Your encouragement about seeking a therapist, EMDR, unpacking trauma, is well taken and I believe spot-on. Thanking all three of you today for unknowingly helping me move forward in this journey. ❤️

1999 began Wellbutrin, and Zoloft, then off both, tried Lexapro, then eventually Effexor XR

2009 slowly weaned self off Effexor XR  experienced 7 months of withdrawal syndrome, became suicidal

2010 went on Prozac (dose ?), then off Prozac (agitation/anxiety), resumed Effexor XR

2010-2014 titrated up to Effexor XR 150mg and Effexor 37.5mg

2014-2018 have been on this dose for 4 years~Effexor EX 150mg and Effexor 37.5mg (Total 188mg)

January 22, 2018, began decreasing dose of Effexor 37.5mg (Continuing 150mg dose unchanged)

February 19, 2018 Effexor XR 150mg + 29 balls of Effexor 37.5mg capsule (29mg?????) x 2 days

August 15, 2020 Effexor ER 60mg x 5 months

August 10, 2021 Effexor ER 10mg Experiencing vertigo since last taper (from 11 beads/?mg to 10 beads/?mg) 4 days ago.

August 21, 2021 Vertigo gone 🥳(lasted 8 days) Will stay at 10 beads/?mg.

July 1, 2022 Effexor 7 beads/?mg 

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Thanks all of you for letting me know I am not alone in this ❤️ @Grateful@hayduke@92sharks 

Does anyone of you feel like your mind is always somewhere else. Like you are physically there byt your minds is somewhere up in the sky? Like your mind is at two places at once? SO HARD to describe since its a feeling. My therapist was so happy that i didnt experience this for years (on drugs) but now I have experienced it constantly for weeks. I dont experience anxiety at the same time which is odd, its more like my mind is costantly keeping track of something else outside of my conciousness. 
 

I did try yoga and felt like it was helping me somehow but had a superscary experience where i felt like going TOO DEEP into my own mind and a trauma I couldnt put words too and after that I experienced a lot of distorted thoughts that i couldnt get rid of for days. So now I am scared to try it again.
 

I am pretty sure this feeling that I have comes from either emotional trauma from neglect or religious trauma from growing up in a strictly religious environment. Either way i am not sure how to process this since 10 y in therapy didnt seem to help since its back when i am not overmedicated. Any thoughts? 
 

@haydukedo you do EMDR online or on place with a therapist? Can’t seem to find one in my area.

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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@Escitalopram21I might suggest researching depersonalization and derealization to see if either of those resonate with what you are describing. I know there are conversations in SA, as these are, I think, fairly common for some in wd. I have possibly experienced mild depersonalization throughout my life, seemingly more as a coping mechanism...just kind of "checking out", maybe for "protection". My experience has been more of a feeling of going more inside my mind and blocking out whatever is going on outside. I don't really think this is depersonalization as the list of symptoms doesn't really seem to fit my experience. There may be another term for it that I'm not aware of. Like you, I think there is probably some type of trauma in my past. I had an emotionally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and unaffectionate mother. The trauma that I feel is present from something I'm not consciously aware of may simply be from early childhood neglect. I know Hayduke will be able to assist you in figuring out some avenues for you to follow to seek better therapeutic intervention. I've been reading about Somatic Experiencing, which seems promising. I'm so sorry about your experience with yoga. There are many types of yoga practice. Maybe a gentler approach would be beneficial, but I do not have much knowledge. You could talk with one of the yoga instructors about your past experience. I know when I've gone to yoga, people are encouraged to let the instructor know if they do not want to be touched. We often don't know these things until we are triggered. Again, I'm so glad that you brought up this subject the other day. It is kind of where I am at the moment, as well. I think in the long run we will benefit from figuring out what is causing this phenomenon. That doesn't mean it will be pleasant or easy. I'm annoyed that I can't just ignore it and it will go away. ❤️❤️ 

1999 began Wellbutrin, and Zoloft, then off both, tried Lexapro, then eventually Effexor XR

2009 slowly weaned self off Effexor XR  experienced 7 months of withdrawal syndrome, became suicidal

2010 went on Prozac (dose ?), then off Prozac (agitation/anxiety), resumed Effexor XR

2010-2014 titrated up to Effexor XR 150mg and Effexor 37.5mg

2014-2018 have been on this dose for 4 years~Effexor EX 150mg and Effexor 37.5mg (Total 188mg)

January 22, 2018, began decreasing dose of Effexor 37.5mg (Continuing 150mg dose unchanged)

February 19, 2018 Effexor XR 150mg + 29 balls of Effexor 37.5mg capsule (29mg?????) x 2 days

August 15, 2020 Effexor ER 60mg x 5 months

August 10, 2021 Effexor ER 10mg Experiencing vertigo since last taper (from 11 beads/?mg to 10 beads/?mg) 4 days ago.

August 21, 2021 Vertigo gone 🥳(lasted 8 days) Will stay at 10 beads/?mg.

July 1, 2022 Effexor 7 beads/?mg 

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@Escitalopram21 my EMDR practitioner is a trauma informed clinical psychologist.  EMDR is just one method they can help you with.  You may find that avenue helpful.

 

It sounds like you're dissociating some of the time, and when the yoga gets you into your body you find the somatic memory of trauma is still overwhelming.  That is where a therapist can help you.  Funnily enough I did yoga yesterday for the first time in ages and several poses were triggering. I was able to sit with the trauma and let my body release it safely.  Again you will want professional help with that grade of trauma, yoga may help you in addition to that.

 

Please read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk if you're interested, it's a great reference for this sort of work.

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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  • hayduke changed the title to The ”going back in time” phenomenon

I started reading Van der Kolk a few weeks ago but find it very triggering. Read it last night and couldnt sleep more than two hours. 
And can’t find a traumainformed therapist in my area, neither a traumainformed yogateacher. Sorry for my negative approach i just dont know how to get further since i can’t seem to unpack things myself and it really interferes with how i look at my recovery. Feeling very hopeless today 😭 @hayduke@92sharks

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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Share on other sites

  • Mentor

@Escitalopram21   

Please don't give up on yourself. I really can relate to the muddled up emotions and fear.  I often refer to my therapist that I feel like I am in a maze and I can't find my way out.  I feel panicked like I can't find the door or where to start.  Her answer is step at a time.  I too have been in therapy for 10 years and saw some progress through that time, but the meds dulled everything, I really couldn't get deep in to the real pain, hence not be able to work through things.  I shielded and hid so deep inside myself that it took wd to open the flood gates. Now I am finally seeing that what all I went through as a child is really considered traumatic for a young child.  I always down played it, saying other people have had it so much worse, so stop making it a big deal "What are looking for some attention".......Molly (my therapist) has tried to tell me it was awful and traumatic for me, but until recently, by really letting the pain out and seeing it I never let myself feel it.  I now realize that it doesn't matter if it was as horrendous as someone else's  but that it was real to me and it is my pain.   

Size of the trauma does not quantify the experience of the pain. Does that make sense to you?  Pain is pain in equal in portions to any one in pain.

 

 I am learning to fee/not be afraid of the pain.  It is a very slow process.  My therapist mentioned when I first went into WD and things were coming up" erupting"  that I had never told her before that she recommends EMDR but was concerned that the state I was in, it would have been to traumatic.  Well the garbage is coming up anyway and learning to go with it is scary.  Do you feel your therapist is helping/or can help you now? How often do you meet with her/him.

Please know that you can do this, yes it is scary but remember that the past is over and can't hurt you anymore and that thoughts/feelings are just that, they have as much control over us as we let them.  

I can't stress how much learning meditation has help to at  least learn how to not get so drawn into thoughts.  It takes time and practice and believe me I struggle with it.  But I keep doing it everyday to teach my brain that I have the control to follow the thoughts. I use guided meditation and semi guided meditation  Headspace.  I think the guided is good when addressing certain issues but learning to be quite and learning how to acknowledge thoughts and then refocus back to the breath is helpful in retraining the brain to see the thoughts and not engage in the thought.  Learn when and what thought you want to follow.  

That being said it has also help me learn to not be so afraid of thoughts and the feeling that they bring.

One of the first times I really contacted with my inner-child was after a meditation and closed my eyes I decided to let my mind go back to a time that is very pertained to who I was/am.  The little girl in the bedroom I pictured her a lot in the last year or so,  I could picture myself standing in the middle of the bedroom next to her and wow  I realized that the feelings of fear, loneliness, unworthiness I have felt my whole life were the same as what that little girl was feeling.  Scary...... I decided not to shy away from her and in my mind  I started to talk to her, I let her know that everything was okay,  she is loved and safe.  It has been a up and down, scary and my first instinct is to shy away from any emotions that make me feel vulnerable but I am working on sitting in the feelings and remember do not judge yourself about any thing you feel.  Molly is also helping me learn that all these years I was using my reasonable part of the brain to get through life and avoiding my emotional mind hence all the stuffed pain and distorted thoughts I came up with to survive and protect myself from getting hurt.

She called it States of Mind

Reasonable mind which is down with the Prefrontal lobe the thinking brain.

 

Emotional mind which is down in the Limbic System unconscious mind emotions

Hypothalamus, Hippocampus, Amygdala, Limbic cortex emotional brain.

Wise mind= Combine the 2

Well it seems I have been using my reasonable mind through life and avoiding my emotional mind.  Hence the emotional pain that I didn't know how to deal with. 

Pain is a part of life= pain can  be physical and/or, emotional pain = any neg emotion, fear, anger, frustration,

Suffering is optional = when people are unable to accept pain. 

This is were radical acceptance comes in.

 

I know it is overwhelming to grasp all the different ways to understand how to navigate through all the skills to heal, but you don't have to learn them all at once, baby steps and some guidance from your therapist. And of course any helpful feed back from others that are healing/or have healed from trauma and WD.

 

I think @hayduke @92sharks have some good ideas.  I think you could be experience some forms of D/R D/P and some withdrawal into yourself.  When this separation happens 1) are you feeling alone and outside of the group like when you are with people?  I have this a lot when I am with people like you are separate from them, to me this indicate self protection.  2) Do you feel like you are separate from the rest of the world?  One time when I was in the worst of my WD and I went for at walk and I realized that I often felt  like I could see everything around me but still felt separate from the world,  here but not connected to it.  I could get some grounding when I would draw my attention to my feet walking on the gravel, the feel of it under my feet.  I would say this is a form of D/R or D/P  the definition on these are what you take from it.  So the next time you feel not in reality, try grounding yourself by touching something, feeling something tangible, this will draw your attention to the here and now and connect you to the world.

 

Hang in there. And know that you can do this, just don't push yourself any faster then you need to go.  You will get through this trust in yourself.   

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 300 to 400mg a day 

Xanax 0.625 3x a day   Trazodone 25mg  Holding these

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg>  5/2 3mg > 6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.70 mg>  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg>  8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.26mg

Lamictal  7/17/2022  25mg

Supplements  Magnesium 300mg-400mg

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Thank you so much @Gratefulfor your kind, honest and supportive post ❤️ 
 

I am seeing my therapist Tanja not very often right now. If i am Lucky i Will get sponsored by government Therapy from march 2022 then i can see her for free 2h a week. Right know i am seeing her only once a month or so. I contacted her about EMDR to see if she was familiar with it because i remembered that once when i told her about feeling anxious when stopping in trafficlights she told me to look slowly from left to right/the other way. And she said shes familiar with EMDR so we are gonna discuss it next time.

 

I have never tried to ”meet” myself when feeling anxious. I have started to let myself feel the feeling of what is making me feel what i am feeling and why. Its a long Journey.

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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On 11/2/2021 at 7:44 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

I started reading Van der Kolk a few weeks ago but find it very triggering.

 

Oh yeah totally.  It's just part of this whole ordeal that we have to do all this shadow work.  Think it took me a year or so to finish.  Got another 3-4 books in the same vein, definitely alternate with lighter, easier and fun stuff!

 

 

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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  • 3 weeks later...

How are you guys doing? @Greatful@hayduke @92sharks
I now feel like the complex ptsd is more scary than withdrawal itself. I am having a good day so i am actually able to look a little further in life but an hour or minute. 
 

Are you diagnosed with complex ptsd or has your therapist suggested you might have it? It really is overwhelming because anywhere you look it up it seems like there are so many different approaches to Healing and every sure/therapist describes it as a severe and debilitating condition. so i am more than overwhelmed. 
 

Oh, and the going to deep into my mind when doing yoga seems to have been a wd symptom since i have experienced it a few times after but in totally different situations. 
 

I have been searching online to find successtories on people Healing from complex ptsd, havent really found any, i would really need some encouragement in this. 
 

And i keep thinking about what i’ve read here. Some say doing Therapy while in withdrawal is not a good idea but you seem to be doing it and it works well for you? 

 

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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@Escitalopram21

54 minutes ago, Escitalopram21 said:

I am having a good day so i am actually able to look a little further in life but an hour or minute. 

Oh this makes me happy and relieved.  Are you journaling your days so you can look back when you are in the awful wave and see that you have had some windows.  That means you will get more😊

 

I am in therapy and she is helping me, that being sad she thinks I could use EMDR but not when I am at this delicate state.  I talk about my  flashbacks, and the emotional garbage that is coming up, she is  helping me processes it.  We work on CBT, mindfulness, she let's me talk and redirects me in a path of healing. 

I we have not talked about complex ptsd but that I went through trauma.   

Your therapist should be able to set you up with a trauma therapist when you are ready.

You are doing a great job, you are starting to face your past and that takes courage, take it slow and don't try and force things.  Things will slowly unfold as you move forward.❤️

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 300 to 400mg a day 

Xanax 0.625 3x a day   Trazodone 25mg  Holding these

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg>  5/2 3mg > 6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.70 mg>  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg>  8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.26mg

Lamictal  7/17/2022  25mg

Supplements  Magnesium 300mg-400mg

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16 hours ago, Escitalopram21 said:

How are you guys doing? @Greatful@hayduke @92sharks
I now feel like the complex ptsd is more scary than withdrawal itself. I am having a good day so i am actually able to look a little further in life but an hour or minute. 
 

Are you diagnosed with complex ptsd or has your therapist suggested you might have it? It really is overwhelming because anywhere you look it up it seems like there are so many different approaches to Healing and every sure/therapist describes it as a severe and debilitating condition. so i am more than overwhelmed. 
 

Oh, and the going to deep into my mind when doing yoga seems to have been a wd symptom since i have experienced it a few times after but in totally different situations. 
 

I have been searching online to find successtories on people Healing from complex ptsd, havent really found any, i would really need some encouragement in this. 
 

And i keep thinking about what i’ve read here. Some say doing Therapy while in withdrawal is not a good idea but you seem to be doing it and it works well for you? 

 

 

Yes I have a diagnosis of CPTSD.  Unlike the spurious misdiagnosis my dysfunctional family confected it allows full healing, which is inconvenient for those inflicting the trauma, as well as me having to stand my ground over that, but what else ya gonna do.

 

It took me 18 months to finish van der Kolk's book, yes it's triggering but you will find a well marked path to healing there.

 

What is emerging in yoga for you is probably somatic trauma presenting to you to be grounded in your body and released.

 

Healing requires facing the worst of it, getting re triggered, but at YOUR time and place, with care, and putting the worst of it to rest forever.  It's hard graft but the way forward and out.

 

Even if you have to go to video link for the right support with that I feel you'd be better off.

 

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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I had this earlier on in withdrawal where one summer day, i was walking by a beach at a nearby park on a lake, and had the sensation of being back in the 1970s again, when i was just a child.  It was the first summer after quitting zoloft and zyprexa in February of 2014.   Before that, probably two months into withdrawal, in April,  i had trouble recognizing the apartment i had been living in  eight years (at that point) when coming back from night walks, which i had read is somewhat common with withdrawal and the sleep deprivation that goes along with it.  Even the inside of my apartment was an unfamiliar place.  In my mind, I thought i was in Sweden and i live in the US.  Even the huge houses around the lake that I'm fairly familiar with, having gone to grade school in the area, and also living here eight years later on in life, seemed like some sort of giant dollhouses and rather horrible.  The unfamiliar with my own apartment feeling lasted about two weeks, but a few years later on i began to have all sorts of buried memories, being triggered by colors on television or pieces of wrappers or other trash in parks i would walk through, that would remind me of vaguely remembered grade school art projects or art sets i had as a a small child or teenager.  Sometimes it was the ribbons on old Christmas gifts, i would be reminded of.   It wasn't really trauma, even though my childhood wasn't great, but more like memories of the past coming back, usually from colors i saw or the day walking near the beach that made me feel like i was back in the 1970's again.  

 

Pre-withdrawal, obviously smells would be my strongest trigger, reminding me of old memories, but in withdrawal it's been more visual orientated.

Court committed to take Prozac, Paxci, and Respiradol from 8/95 to 3/96.   developed severe akithisia and brain damage.  Was unable to speak and walking in circles 15 hours a day.  Went in for 5 sessions of ECT during a 10 day period in March of '96 and my forced medication was discontinued at that time.  My akithisia and brain damage cleared up within a few days of stopping the meds.

 

On Zoloft (200 mg) and Zyprexa (17.5 mg) March 1998- Feb 2014

In between was placed on Effexor 200 mg and Abilify for six months in 2004.  Developed mild akithisia which went away once I stopped the Abilify.  Developed severe GI issues in Dec 2001 and from that time on suffered from fatigue and hypersomnia where I would sleep between 12 and 20 hours a day and rarely ever left my apartment. 

 

Had tapered to 100 mg of Zoloft and 7.5 mg of Zyprexa at the time of going cold turkey Feb. 2014

Went 5 days without sleep at the beginning while vomiting all over my apt.  Had brain zaps for a number of weeks and also lightheadedness which both eventually went away.  However 2 1/2 yrs later I still struggle with insomnia, depression, and fatigue.

 

 

 

 

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hi @Escitalopram21 

 

Didn't notice the reply until now so sorry. 

I'm currently going through therapy for cptsd and was able to find a good therapist who is helping me.

 

I have hae like 5 therapists before this one and no one ever suggested trauma therapy or that I was suffering from cptsd. I was given Cymbalta by a psychiatrist some years ago but the trauma was never addressed or even considered. After a lot of research by myself, I found out I was actually suffering from cptsd and now had the tools to know what to look for in a therapist, it is important to find a trauma informed therapist who has a somatic approach too, because trauma is stored in the body too, that makes a huge difference.

 

I also have the same experience with meditation, while meditating we are asked to look inward, so we are faced with all the stored emotions and sensations of all the trauma that is inside us, so it turns out to be really painful that´s why many therapists do not recommend  meditation if one has cptsd because being with the emotions without having the tools to release them can be re traumatizing and/or triggering.

 

When I found out about cptsd I was super overwhelmed too, there was too much information and I had no idea where to start, it was too much to take in and my brain couldn’t even process that much.

Dealing with trauma is very painful, but as time has passed, I have started to learn to know myself and release old wounds, not a nice job but for me it has been the only way out, the road is hard but there is light in the other side.

There is an Instagram account I follow is called breakingdowncptsd. It has been a life saver for me, there are a lot of free resources and even a weekly live broadcast which is free.

 

CPTSD has been definitely debilitating for me, and as its name suggest it is complex, but there is definitely a light and hope. It was hard sorting out what I needed to do, but do not lose hope. I thought I was doomed forever and even though I had found out the cause (cptsd) I felt like it was too much and didn’t know where to start, but I have started to heal and I can see the difference, even with withdrawal going on. There was a point where I couldn’t even get out of my house, now I do. I’m starting to reconnect with my body and emotions, and even though it’s been hard it is scarier for me to stay in the same place I was.

 

  • Started Taking Cymbalta on Dec 31 2015. Went from 30 mg, up to 120 mg until Oct 2016
  • Oct 2016:  fast tapered per doctor's instructions,  in just 2 weeks went from 120 to 90 to 60 mg 
  • CT from 60 mg to 0 and then reinstated after 3 days, then found the 10% method.
  • Tapering since October 2016, lowering by 10% of dose reductions (of original dose which was too fast)
  • May 2017: 7.2 mg/day
  • Nov 2017: 2.7 mg/day  tapered to fast, took a rest
  • Jan 2018: started reducing 2 pellets per month (took more than a month if needed)
  • August 2018: 1.8 mg/day  (10 pellets left)
  • September 2018: 9 pellets left
  • January 2019: 5 pellets left(reducing 1 pellet per month)
  • June 25 2019: last bead taken
  • Forever Free!!!
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Thank u @PapayaShakefor your answer. 
 

I have two Young kids and i have started avoiding places again and can’t really go outside if its a bad day. I was in this bad shape before starting my meds too but then i didnt have kids.  
So its definitely debilitating to me. 
 

Could you describe to me how a traumainformed therapist works differently? I have tried looking it up online but havent found any clear guidance. 
I have been going to therapy for 10 y but since decreasing my meds all of my cptsd symptoms are back. So i Guess its not been released properly.

 

I am reading van der kolk and Peter Levine now and i am really trying to cope. But its so overwhelming since i get stuck in my triggers and can’t stop thinking about it and then avoid it. 

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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Hi  @Escitalopram21 

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time I can relate

 

Taking antidepressants can numb the trauma symptoms for some time (depression, anxiety, etc.) but as long as the trauma is not addressed everything will just be repressed but never truly resolved.

 

The regular therapists I went to only gave talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (and atidepressants of course) this did nothing to help me. In my experience it is because this kind of therapy focuses on reframing the thought pattern at an intellectual level. It is easy to say “instead of thinking this, think that” this might be helpful for other conditions, but not for trauma, because trauma is stored physically in the body so a somatic approach must be used to release it form there too.

 

Some key aspects a trauma therapist usually go through are:

 

  • Help you reframe your inner thought pattern towards compassion
  • Doing parts work therapy like IFS (Internal Family Systems) for example.
  • Helping you regulate your nervous system: a lot of trauma symptoms come from a dysregulated nervous system which is constantly in fight/flight or freeze mode (There are actual exercises for this, this cannot be accomplished with just talk therapy)
  • Show you techniques on how to ground yourself and learn to feel safe in your body and with your emotions.
  • Tools for somatic (body) release like EMDR . I also used EFT (Tapping) by myself and it helped me a lot to reduce triggers,iIn my experience the triggers only started decreasing when I used EFT which is a somatic tool (this are the ones I´m familiar with but there are more)
  • Inner Child Work and reparenting.

 

 

Hope that helps, if you need more help feel free to ask 😊

  • Started Taking Cymbalta on Dec 31 2015. Went from 30 mg, up to 120 mg until Oct 2016
  • Oct 2016:  fast tapered per doctor's instructions,  in just 2 weeks went from 120 to 90 to 60 mg 
  • CT from 60 mg to 0 and then reinstated after 3 days, then found the 10% method.
  • Tapering since October 2016, lowering by 10% of dose reductions (of original dose which was too fast)
  • May 2017: 7.2 mg/day
  • Nov 2017: 2.7 mg/day  tapered to fast, took a rest
  • Jan 2018: started reducing 2 pellets per month (took more than a month if needed)
  • August 2018: 1.8 mg/day  (10 pellets left)
  • September 2018: 9 pellets left
  • January 2019: 5 pellets left(reducing 1 pellet per month)
  • June 25 2019: last bead taken
  • Forever Free!!!
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7 hours ago, PapayaShake said:

Hi  @Escitalopram21 

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time I can relate

 

Taking antidepressants can numb the trauma symptoms for some time (depression, anxiety, etc.) but as long as the trauma is not addressed everything will just be repressed but never truly resolved.

 

The regular therapists I went to only gave talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (and atidepressants of course) this did nothing to help me. In my experience it is because this kind of therapy focuses on reframing the thought pattern at an intellectual level. It is easy to say “instead of thinking this, think that” this might be helpful for other conditions, but not for trauma, because trauma is stored physically in the body so a somatic approach must be used to release it form there too.

 

Some key aspects a trauma therapist usually go through are:

 

  • Help you reframe your inner thought pattern towards compassion
  • Doing parts work therapy like IFS (Internal Family Systems) for example.
  • Helping you regulate your nervous system: a lot of trauma symptoms come from a dysregulated nervous system which is constantly in fight/flight or freeze mode (There are actual exercises for this, this cannot be accomplished with just talk therapy)
  • Show you techniques on how to ground yourself and learn to feel safe in your body and with your emotions.
  • Tools for somatic (body) release like EMDR . I also used EFT (Tapping) by myself and it helped me a lot to reduce triggers,iIn my experience the triggers only started decreasing when I used EFT which is a somatic tool (this are the ones I´m familiar with but there are more)
  • Inner Child Work and reparenting.

 

 

Hope that helps, if you need more help feel free to ask 😊

 

Quoting this post because it's spot on.  Cheers

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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@PapayaShakeand @hayduke

Thank you both for your answering and support. 
 

I have been using TRE in the evening if im not able to sleep which has helped with sleeping. That has been a big relief since i couldnt sleep before going on my meds. And some yogaposes and ”yogasounds” to get the tension out of my body. 
 

My therapist knows EMDR but she thinks it might be to hard on me because she uses it with trauma but not complex trauma. 
 

I am now very aware of my traumas which i havent been ever before so i definitely think there are stuff to work with. When i first started feeling anxious i didnt know why and felt like i had a really good childhood (haha). Suppression has been a big thing in my Journey, but not anymore. I’ve suffered all forms of abuse and also have religious trauma. I think heaven and how the sky looks is one of my triggers, which makes it hard to get out of the house somedays. 
 

So when working with a traumatherapist you actually dont do the exercises with the therapist? You do them by yourself but with first beeing guided by your therapist?

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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You’re welcome

@Escitalopram21 

 

I have heard about TRE but I don’t really know how to practice it, can you recommend somewhere I can read more about it?

 

My therapist works with EMDR but we haven’t done that yet, she says I must be more stabilized in order to try it (I’m currently dealing with a lot of dissociation) but we are looking forward to that, from what I have investigated EMDR is one of the most used therapies to treat cptsd.

 

Same here, I also thought I had a very good childhood, but no really XD

 

When I’m with my therapist she guides me through the exercises and then tells me to practice them by myself. So far, we are focusing on grounding exercises which seems to be the first step in stabilizing.

 

Also, about the back in time sensation, it might also be an emotional flashback. A flashback is not necessary a visual memory, it is when the nervous system reacts to certain cues, like a word someone says or a place that makes us feel a certain way a trigger can be anything really, and it sends you back to a moment of intense feelings that were experienced during trauma like fear, shame, sadness etc.

  • Started Taking Cymbalta on Dec 31 2015. Went from 30 mg, up to 120 mg until Oct 2016
  • Oct 2016:  fast tapered per doctor's instructions,  in just 2 weeks went from 120 to 90 to 60 mg 
  • CT from 60 mg to 0 and then reinstated after 3 days, then found the 10% method.
  • Tapering since October 2016, lowering by 10% of dose reductions (of original dose which was too fast)
  • May 2017: 7.2 mg/day
  • Nov 2017: 2.7 mg/day  tapered to fast, took a rest
  • Jan 2018: started reducing 2 pellets per month (took more than a month if needed)
  • August 2018: 1.8 mg/day  (10 pellets left)
  • September 2018: 9 pellets left
  • January 2019: 5 pellets left(reducing 1 pellet per month)
  • June 25 2019: last bead taken
  • Forever Free!!!
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I love it when I get a cue to those vivid far-off places and times in the past and you're right there...sort of like what happens with the muck during EMDR, but once that's unclogged, the nice things are free to drift back up as well 🙂

 

The other day I had a nice chuckle at a sudden memory of me and a friend from childhood digging a boulder out of the hillside over a couple of weeks and finally rolling it down the hill into the bush.  LOL.  Pretty sure no one was down the bottom...kids eh!

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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6 hours ago, PapayaShake said:

Same here, I also thought I had a very good childhood, but no really XD

 

20 hours ago, Escitalopram21 said:

When i first started feeling anxious i didnt know why and felt like i had a really good childhood (haha).

 

So relate.  I used to call unfair stuff out in the family (and get covertly shamed and sanctioned for it, but I never stopped) and talk about problems with family friends but even close friends and later partners would still tell me I had a good family.

 

After a bunch of therapy, one session the floodgates just opened and I started dumping all the horrible things my mother in particular had done to me.  It didn't stop for months and I am still angry as hell about it.  The camouflage and deception the abusers can deploy is terrifying in hindsight.  But as a kid you're just a fish in a barrel with parents like these which is awful.  Drags our world down so much.

 

One foot in front of the other....

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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5 hours ago, hayduke said:

After a bunch of therapy, one session the floodgates just opened and I started dumping all the horrible things my mother in particular had done to me.  It didn't stop for months and I am still angry as hell about it.  The camouflage and deception the abusers can deploy is terrifying in hindsight.  But as a kid you're just a fish in a barrel with parents like these which is awful.  Drags our world down so much.

Yup, thats where I am now! @haydukeAnd *trigger warning*

 

a lot of other stuff coming up as well. I realize for every day that passes that i have suffered all forms of abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual. Auch. But I Guess our poor psychs and nervsystems couldnt have handled it any Sooner.

 

Speaking of therapy, had a session with my psychoterapist yesterday. And i got the feeling that she thinks it is perfectly normal that all of my symptoms return when decreasing my meds. And i also feel like she doesn’t believe in withdrawal. 
 

So i am really trying to find someone with a somatic approach but i can’t seem to find one in the whole Finland. 

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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Will look up some sources. I am not sure i am doing it right but just rocking my body when trying to fall asleep instead of getting tense has helped a lot.
 

I am also heavily dissociating right now. Is it a cptsd symptom or is it withdrawal? @PapayaShake

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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@Escitalopram21 

 

For me it is clearly a cptsd symptom, it seems I have been dissociating since I was a child, but only until adulthood I was able to put a name to it.

I guess some people might develop dissociation exclusively during withdrawal, I don’t know, but in my case, it is from cptsd for sure.

 

It took me a while to find the therapist I'm working with, most in the mental health field do'nt have a clue about withdrawal, sadly :c 

 

 

@hayduke

 

I hear you, I’m going through the angry phase too right now I guess, just until recently I have begun to accept that indeed I suffered from a lot of emotional neglect and shaming and I’m angry at how I always blamed myself when the fault wasn’t even mine,  I was jut a kid, I never even talked about that with anyone, it’s a hard pill to swallow but you are right one foot in front of the other...

 

 

  • Started Taking Cymbalta on Dec 31 2015. Went from 30 mg, up to 120 mg until Oct 2016
  • Oct 2016:  fast tapered per doctor's instructions,  in just 2 weeks went from 120 to 90 to 60 mg 
  • CT from 60 mg to 0 and then reinstated after 3 days, then found the 10% method.
  • Tapering since October 2016, lowering by 10% of dose reductions (of original dose which was too fast)
  • May 2017: 7.2 mg/day
  • Nov 2017: 2.7 mg/day  tapered to fast, took a rest
  • Jan 2018: started reducing 2 pellets per month (took more than a month if needed)
  • August 2018: 1.8 mg/day  (10 pellets left)
  • September 2018: 9 pellets left
  • January 2019: 5 pellets left(reducing 1 pellet per month)
  • June 25 2019: last bead taken
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@Escitalopram21 might be worth getting on the phone and asking them all if they are trauma informed or can bounce you to one who is.  If they're into Bessel Van der Kolk that would be a good sign.

 

And yes "dissociation" is one of the symptoms they used for misdiagnosing me.  Like @PapayaShake I couldn't name it till later.  Once you can start naming all this stuff when you see it, you can really start shifting stuff around for the better and communicating your difficulties.  My dissociation reversed in seconds when the key trauma came up during EMDR, it was unbelievable as everything reconnected and found its natural shape.  Closest thing I've seen to a miracle on this planet, I was right as rain after that.  On another level it's almost mundane:  overwhelmed childhood brain re adopted by developed adult brain, and processing queue subsequently cleared.

 

@PapayaShake Yeah the extent of my anger is massive and ongoing, but it's absolutely justified.  Learning to wrangle it safely and responsibly is the key.  It can be very motivating.  I like that Drunken Bar Fight game in VR sometimes 🙂 exercise can be good if you don't overdo it too.

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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@PapayaShake@hayduke

Did you ever try polyvagal exercises? 
ive found some really easy ones from a practitioner on youtube Sukie Baxter. I dont know how to deal with the hypervigilance 😫 its exhausting

2009 Escitalopram 10mg

April 2013 got off August 2013 reinstated 

July 2015 Ketipinor 50mg (Quetiapin)

April 2021 got off Quetiapin 4w taper

May 2021 tapered off Escitalopram 

9 August 2021 back on Escitalopram 2,5mg. Down to 2 mg. Updosed to 2,2mg August 24 Down to 2mg September 2

Updosed to 3mg Sept 28 

December Still holding ❤️

June 9 2022 2,9 mg

June 19 2022 2,85 mg

Supplements vitamin E 400 magnesium malate a fraction of 400, Rosita Cod liver oil

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On 12/5/2021 at 1:47 AM, Escitalopram21 said:

@PapayaShake@hayduke

Did you ever try polyvagal exercises? 
ive found some really easy ones from a practitioner on youtube Sukie Baxter. I dont know how to deal with the hypervigilance 😫 its exhausting

 

My therapist has continually recommended polyvagal theory to me and I will get to it.  My tsundoku pile is a monument to PTSD, and the therapy related books are often slow and triggering to get through as I think we discussed.  But it's worth it.  I am presently reading Heller and Levine about attachment styles, which is very helpful right now.

 

She keeps mentioning Deb Dana re polyvagal too, so I'm sure her stuff is worth a look.

 

Yoga is really good for grounding, getting back into your body and regaining a sense of physical security.  That's a great key to relaxing.  There are a bunch of threads on other things people like for de stressing too.

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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@PapayaShake

 

On 11/29/2021 at 3:54 PM, PapayaShake said:

Helping you regulate your nervous system: a lot of trauma symptoms come from a dysregulated nervous system which is constantly in fight/flight or freeze mode (There are actual exercises for this, this cannot be accomplished with just talk therapy)

You descrambled me to a tee......I can be put in the freeze mode easily. I have been trying to explain the feelings but never could understand them myself.    Most of my life I've  had a underline tenseness and inner deep panic feeling,  I equated it to waiting for the other shoe to fall, or I should be afraid of something.  The freeze mode makes it hard for me to move at times. I know that I should do yoga but I can't seem to unfreeze and find the energy to do it.  So much contributes to this, fear of not doing it right, feel stupid (low self esteem) I have a lot of things I would like to do, I try to tap, and other coping things and I feel like some times I just freeze and it makes it  hard for me to do it.  It is easier to just sit and freeze then do anything.  Now I am seeing most of all my  unknown fear and anxiety is from my early childhood trauma.  Wow the distorted childhood brain still rules the roost, but I can see the adult and the child coming together slowly.  

Anyway, can you point me  in the right direction with the exercises you mentioned.

 

On 12/6/2021 at 3:47 AM, hayduke said:

Yoga is really good for grounding, getting back into your body and regaining a sense of physical security.  

@hayduke

Can you equate this too..........I am learning through a guided meditation about emotions and to get out of your head and into your body.

Now when I put that together with what you said here, I see a epiphany that I have spent years living inside my head........Thoughts, Thoughts

emotions, fear of emotions.  Wow maybe all this will come together. 

 

I am going to take note here and bring them up with my therapist tomorrow.......... 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 300 to 400mg a day 

Xanax 0.625 3x a day   Trazodone 25mg  Holding these

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg>  5/2 3mg > 6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.70 mg>  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg>  8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.26mg

Lamictal  7/17/2022  25mg

Supplements  Magnesium 300mg-400mg

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4 hours ago, Greatful said:

Can you equate this too..........I am learning through a guided meditation about emotions and to get out of your head and into your body.

Now when I put that together with what you said here, I see a epiphany that I have spent years living inside my head........Thoughts, Thoughts

emotions, fear of emotions.

 

Settling the limbic system is the way to go.  Resolving the trauma allows it, and learning to manage getting triggered improves it too.

 

Classic trauma sign, only feeling allowed to live in the realm of cognition, because the emotions are too hard to face yet.  Getting back into the body is the way out of that stuff and yoga is the best all rounder I know along with getting out into nature for extended periods.  Cheers

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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