Knosretep: don't know what to do - clonazepam and Zoloft and extras

[Ariel]

Hi @Knosretep

 

On 8/3/2022 at 9:15 AM, Knosretep said:

These cuts have left me with little willpower to push through the day to day challenges that arise, and little strength to help support those around me.  I feel like its taking everything I have just to keep my little flame flickering. 

 

The little flame flickering in me sees the little flame flickering in you <3

Hang in there, you're working so hard and doing a great job!

Sending healing vibes <3

A. 

[Greatful]

@Knosretep

Hang in there.  I know how hard it is to think straight when we feel so awful and our brains don't work right.

Hold steady this will pass.🌞

[Knosretep]

On 8/5/2022 at 12:14 AM, Ariel said:

Hi @Knosretep

 

 

The little flame flickering in me sees the little flame flickering in you ❤️

Hang in there, you're working so hard and doing a great job!

Sending healing vibes ❤️

A. 

 

Thank you @Ariel

 

I hope your flame is burning brighter today. ❤️

[Knosretep]

On 8/5/2022 at 11:15 PM, Greatful said:

@Knosretep

Hang in there.  I know how hard it is to think straight when we feel so awful and our brains don't work right.

Hold steady this will pass.🌞

 

@Greatful

 

Thank you for the encouragement.  Hope you're doing well today! ❤️

[Knosretep]

Update: 15 months post Venlafaxine CT

 

Today is 15 months out, and I can't be sure how much residual WD is from that versus tapering.  I'm on day 5 of my latest .5mg cut of Diazepam to 15.5mg equiv (20:1 ratio) of Diazepam and Clonazepam and my symptoms are low.  I think 2 weeks between cuts is enough to allow me to recover without WD building up.  Its a morale boost to be able to make steady progress, albeit slow.

 

The weather here has started cooling, and I've been taking advantage of that to do morning walks, which I believe are helping make each day a bit better.  My overall mood and optimism have improved, and I'm feeling more confident about eventually tapering off all my drugs and writing my success story someday.

 

Just keep taking 1 day at a time and we'll all eventually get there. 💪

[unblocktheplanet]

Knostie, congratulations! I have to point out how much more positive you're sounding these days, even voicing your support for others.

 

It's sticky in Bangkok with heavy rains. Nice, clear air. I love the monsoon.

 

I feel like a wuss trying to measure my own tapers. (No maybe about it): I'm lazy. There are no compounding pharmacies in Thailand--likely why you CTed Venlafaxine. I rely on compounding in Canada & mailed by my daughter. It's a sketchy system but (touch wood) has not failed me yet.

 

What's your strategy for dividing doses???

 

Can't wait to read your success story! 

[Knosretep]

16 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

Knostie, congratulations! I have to point out how much more positive you're sounding these days, even voicing your support for others.

 

Thank you!  I've had periods of ups and downs since joining SA nearly a year ago, and at times I've felt stronger and able to go into others' threads to offer support, and other times I can barely keep my own head above water.

 

16 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

It's sticky in Bangkok with heavy rains. Nice, clear air. I love the monsoon.

 

Yeah, its nice to get a break from the heat.

 

16 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

 

I feel like a wuss trying to measure my own tapers. (No maybe about it): I'm lazy. There are no compounding pharmacies in Thailand--likely why you CTed Venlafaxine. I rely on compounding in Canada & mailed by my daughter. It's a sketchy system but (touch wood) has not failed me yet.

 

I CT'd Venlafaxine because my psychiatrist said it would be fine, and also because I was taking Clonazepam to soften the blow that I suspected would come.

 

16 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

 

What's your strategy for dividing doses???

 

Since I crossed over to Diazepam I can just make 1/4 pill cuts.  Trying to measure mg drops with Clonazepam was really anxiety provoking because my scale would fluctuate so much, and since I'm so sensitive and Clonazepam is so potent, every mg mattered.

 

When I was just at my Dr. last Friday I asked about liquid Clonazepam and liquid Diazepam and he said neither was available in Thailand.  I'm hoping I can stick to 1/4 cuts all the way down to 0, but I know those last few are going to be tough and I'll likely have to hold for longer.

 

16 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

 

Can't wait to read your success story! 

 

Thanks!  Its going to be quite a while so we're both going to have to be very patient. 🙂

[unblocktheplanet]

Yeah, I wonder the the hay they teach those kids in pharmacy school anyway! Four years to know the difference between milli- and micro- ?!?

 

Actually most Thais & foreigners rely on pharmacists for medical advice. It's pretty unusual anywhere to leave a doctor's consult without a multicoloured bag of M&Ms, even the blue ones. It is widely said docs who prescribe heavily are rewarded in status & promotion & perhaps outright commissions even at public hospitals.

 

Many shrinks here don't subscribe to the Ashton method of tapering with Diazepam. You'll get there!

[Knosretep]

Warning: Depressing post.

 

My older dog has calcification of his lower spine that left his back legs unable to walk for almost 2 years now.  Since that first happened, he's strengthened his front legs and gained coordination so that he can hobble very short distances on all 4 legs.  Around a year and a half ago we got him a rear wheeled wheelchair so that he can still go for walks using his front legs and get exercise.  Around a year ago he lost control of his bladder and after months of trying dog diapers, baby diapers, straps, harnesses etc. we starting keeping him outside only.  Each stage was difficult to accept, but eventually it became the new normal.

 

Just over a week ago he started limping on his front left leg during our daily walk.  I took him home and he seemed okay enough to hobble.  The next day as soon as we started walking he started to limp, so I brought him right home.  The following morning I found him under the car shaking, and then took him to the vet.  They didn't really know what the cause of the limp was because his paw was okay, but they gave him gabapentine and another neuro-supplement.  The next day I saw that his pee was a bit milky, and he didn't want to eat breakfast, so I took him to the vet again.

 

They did xray, blood, and urine analysis.  The xray showed an enlarged heart and further calcification along his neck spine, but his digestion seemed to look okay.  The next day the other tests revealed a urinary tract infection and high levels of toxins in the kidneys, possible kidney failure.  He got a slew of new medications, and we went and got him some Kidney Care canned food.  We also bought some cheap blankets and have moved him inside, letting him pee on the blankets and then swapping out for a fresh clean one.

 

He's been going to the vet every day to get a saline flush for his kidneys.  He's been eating less and less food each day, but still enough for a dog his weight.  He can barely pull his butt around, and often falls over as his front legs give out.  Its been a week of this and today they just took his blood again to see how he's doing.

 

I'm really struggling.  Its so hard to see him like this when I'm already not in a good state from tapering depression.  I don't expect the results to be too good.  I know I can't go on shelling out money for his treatment and drugs just to see him in this dismal state, prolonging his suffering...but I feel awful at the thought of giving up on him too.  I know he won't live forever and I'll be saying goodbye to him for good before too long. 😢

[unblocktheplanet]

Dear Knostie, I know what it's like to lose a loving friend. At some point, you'll sense that keeping your friend alive by artificial means isn't compassion. Long ago, I decided personally on euthanasia. Not suicide for depression but when there's just no more quality of life.

 

You've had a good life together with your pal. Sounds like he's been suffering quite awhile. Let him go in your heart first. And then let him go.

 

Doesn't come at a great time for you. But death never does, does it?

 

I've never had animal companions but I understand superstitious Buddhists, including many vets, want to let animals' (and humans'!) karma play out. I think that's cruelty. But you may have to shop a vet who'll give your friend his last rest.

 

I feel for you, Brother.

[Knosretep]

3 hours ago, unblocktheplanet said:

Dear Knostie, I know what it's like to lose a loving friend. At some point, you'll sense that keeping your friend alive by artificial means isn't compassion. Long ago, I decided personally on euthanasia. Not suicide for depression but when there's just no more quality of life.

 

You've had a good life together with your pal. Sounds like he's been suffering quite awhile. Let him go in your heart first. And then let him go.

 

Doesn't come at a great time for you. But death never does, does it?

 

I've never had animal companions but I understand superstitious Buddhists, including many vets, want to let animals' (and humans'!) karma play out. I think that's cruelty. But you may have to shop a vet who'll give your friend his last rest.

 

I feel for you, Brother.

 

Thank you for reading and responding @unblocktheplanet

 

I agree with everything you wrote.  He still seems to enjoy being taken for a walk in a cart, and licking the other dog's butt when he's close enough to get at, so I don't think I can say he's completely suffering.  He used to cry at times when he was outside, but now when I put him outside for the night he doesn't cry.  It might be enough for him just being inside around us all the time outweighs the pain and discomfort he must be feeling.

 

I will ask the vet today when I bring him in about euthanasia at some point.

[Knosretep]

His test results are in and the numbers are all down from where they were, but still above normal ranges.  The vet thinks with another week of treatment that he could recover to normal kidney function.  His urinary infection has subsided and its possible that the kidney problems were the result of the urinary infection that spread to his kidneys, instead of degeneration of the kidneys resulting in the high levels.

 

I guess I will give another week and see, if he is indeed improving.  He has been so sick before that I was sure he was going to die, but he managed to pull through.  Maybe my withdrawal riddled negative brain is catastrophizing the situation.  If I could ask him what he wanted this would be so much easier...

 

[Knosretep]

I thought I should come back and share that my dog has managed to pull through and is doing well, back to eating regular food, and is no longer going to the vet everyday.  We are keeping him inside while we are home, so he's no longer lonely and crying.  He's back to taking walks with his wheelchair, and is often still smiling throughout the day. 🙂

[unblocktheplanet]

Happy for you...& pup, Knostie. Vet bills are expensive. Suffering's no good, either! Keeping pup company & taking walks is good for both of you!

[Knosretep]

I'm so saddened to write that my pup passed away yesterday after his kidney condition returned with a vengeance.

 

He died at home as I layed beside him while petting him, and went so gently and peacefully that I didn't even realize he'd stopped breathing.

 

I'm so grateful that I got to spend a few more weeks with him, and to see him smile and walk again.  It was a pleasure and an honour to adopt him into my life and care for him until the very end.  We went on so many adventures together, and I have so many happy memories that I will cherish for the rest of my days.

 

I love you, Wheezy.

 

[Onmyway]

Sorry to hear @Knosretep, may your little buddy rest in peace. 

Omw 

[unblocktheplanet]

Dear Knostie, Sorry to hear about Wheezy. Hope you're doing okay.

 

 

CJ

Bangkok

[Knosretep]

@Onmyway and @unblocktheplanet

 

Thank you both for your support.

 

I'm struggling with trying to find the positive, and yet feeling guilty for attempting to do so.  I'm also having difficulty with some of the thoughts that I've had during this whole ordeal.

 

Grief can be a complicated business, I can see why so many people end up on these drugs as a result.  I'm still determined to carry on with my taper after I've had time to work through these issues.

 

Hope everyone else is doing okay.

[Onmyway]

Hi @Knosretep having complicated feelings is perfectly normal and ok. In IFS they call them parts having feelings and all parts are good and have good intentions for you. You will work through them. Give yourself time and try to accept and honor all these feelings rather than judge and suppress them. They all make sense in their own way. There is no positive to death but there is positive to the life of your furry friend - seems like he had a happy life and was a lovely and loved companion for you. We all die, it's part of who we are from the moment we are born, what we can hope for is to live a meaningful life in the moments we have. 

 

Allow yourself to feel all your feelings and accept them for what they are, feelings, not a judgement on who you are or what you've done, just feelings, a way for you to make sense of your experience. 

 

What a lucky doggo you've had to have found such a devoted beautiful human friend in you.

 

OMW 

[Knosretep]

On 10/30/2022 at 10:32 PM, Onmyway said:

Hi @Knosretep having complicated feelings is perfectly normal and ok. In IFS they call them parts having feelings and all parts are good and have good intentions for you. You will work through them. Give yourself time and try to accept and honor all these feelings rather than judge and suppress them. They all make sense in their own way. There is no positive to death but there is positive to the life of your furry friend - seems like he had a happy life and was a lovely and loved companion for you. We all die, it's part of who we are from the moment we are born, what we can hope for is to live a meaningful life in the moments we have. 

 

Allow yourself to feel all your feelings and accept them for what they are, feelings, not a judgement on who you are or what you've done, just feelings, a way for you to make sense of your experience. 

 

What a lucky doggo you've had to have found such a devoted beautiful human friend in you.

 

OMW 

 

Hi @Onmyway

 

I was not expecting any reply to my post, so thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such compassionate and kind words...they have brought me to tears. ❤️