Bestill: mirtazapine and being free

[Bestill]

@Faure and @marie123 how long did yours last.  I’m going on day 4.  A pinch better today but not by a lot.

 

 

[marie123]

Sorry Bestill you are not feeling so good. Just hold some and it will improve. This last cut for me was not that great. It lasted about 2 weeks maybe more. I only cut .1 mg. I guess the lower doses are more difficult to taper. It's probably because I'm sensitive from my other med tapers too. I always have stabilized with Mirt which is a good thing. Be well. Marie.

[Faure]

About a week or two. I had an external stressor that caused my wobble. Also I’ve only been on the drug 3 years so my brain probably has a lot less adjusting to do than people who have been on them longer (if you have). 

[Bestill]

Thanks ladies!  @Faure I was on it for a little less than 6 months.  But I think my issues is that I was going 100 miles a minute, lifting harder than I should have, weather change, getting sick.  It was like the perfect storm.  I learned my lesson.  Just need to get through today and life calms down again and I took a break from exercise. I will reevaluate what is possible when I feel better.  My mental state thinks I can do more.  🥴

 

@marie123 yikers on the couple of weeks.  Bummer that is lasted that long  but good to know it’s possible and to give my body permission to feel what it needs to continue with this healing process.  
 

thanks so much for your support.  It truly makes things easier.  Hope you are all doing well today.  
 

bestill

[Faure]

Yep, overdoing it can definitely bring on a nasty wave. Just gentle exercise!

[Bestill]

I seem to be coming out of the wave.  Had it for almost 2 weeks with this past week the worse.  Going to give it a few more days before the next cut to see if things continue to be steady.
 

The good news is if and when another wave hits, I can tell myself this isn’t your first rodeo and it will pass.

 

Can we say that the worse the wave is, the better the healing?  
 

bestill

[marie123]

• Yes I find that after a nasty wave, when I stabilize, I sometimes feel like I've had a lurch in healing.
• Marie

[Bestill]

Just when I think I’m out of this wave, it hits hard again.  I truly think weather is playing a huge role in how I am feeling.  Today I just feel defeated.  I feel like I am back to square one.  I had a 5 min cry.  I didn’t know what else to do.  This isn’t to get attention but to keep track so my future self can see what I over came and maybe my story will help someone down the road.

 

I stopped lifting.  I tried just 15 mins and one muscle group.  Felt like crap a few hours later.  Sticking with 30 min walks and yin yoga.

 

Right now it’s like we have august weather.  Upper 80’s and it’s not agreeing with me. It just jumped 30 degrees it seems.  Chronic pain, air hunger is bad again.  I just feel like I have the flu and I blame the temperature change and the overall transition into spring.

 

Needless to say there has been no cut for me and I will be holding for who knows how long but I can’t add anything else no matter how much I want to decrease.  Not right now.

 

I just have to keep believing that it will get better.  I saw it get better before it got worse.  
 

 

[Gigi68]

I’m sorry you are feeling so bad again. Things will get better for you though. When I first started tapering, I would just do some easy walking and restorative yoga. After I got down to a somewhat lower dose I decided to try riding my mountain bike. I was worried about it because I was often dizzy but a test ride was fine. Then I started going for one hour rides and found it really helped take my mind off the misery. I also started doing longer walks/hikes and lifting some weights. You will get there too but just need to be gentle with yourself now. 
 

I don’t seem to have issues with weather changes so can’t comment about that other than I have read similar comments from others. 
 

Hope you feel better soon!

[Bestill]

@Gigi68 thank you for your response.  I see the importance of being gentle on the body.  I feel so good during a land right after a workout.  I should mention that months ago I couldn’t even go for a walk.  So there are definitely improvements.  After I had  that good cry, I actually felt better.  I think my body needed that kind of release.

 

As for weather, I checked my journal from last year and around this time I was having the same issues.  I just have to hold on for a bit longer.  
 

This can be so challenging some times but I am so stubborn.  I will never give  up no matter how much it knocks me down.

 

❤️

[marie123]

• Hi Bestill. I have had problems this year with the weather this time of year. Last year and years before too during different w/ds. It is really a thing with a lot of people. You'll feel better soon. I've found that I always stabilize with Mirt. By the way, it's so good that you are so stubborn. I am the same way. This will get you to the finish line. Be well. Marie.

[Bestill]

@marie123 thank you!  I took the day off.  I just needed it and I’m lucky I’m able to do so.  Another hot day but I see cooler weather coming in a few days and then it looks like a slow increase of temperature instead of the jumping around.  Finding heat is not my friend right now.  The weekend is here for rest and restore.  ❤️

[Mirtazapain]

Hi @Bestill, I've just read through your posts and thought I'd day hello.  I'm also tapering off mirtazapine - currently at 6.75 mg.  You can read the gory details in my Intros but in a nutshell I started at 22.5 in 2015, after one year I tapered successfully at 10% / month to 15 mg, then again to 7.5 mg at 10% / month in 2018.  I stayed at that dose for 3 years (no side effects except very high total cholesterol, hence my decision to come off this medication for good).

 

My first 10% drop to 6.75 mg (March 2022) was pretty awful.  Alto on this sight helped me see that I had developed serotonin syndrome with mirtazapine and a v. low dose of trazodone (two drugs I'd taken together for years).  It was terrifying and awful, so I ct'd the trazodone.  Which means that my mirtazapine taper has been side-lined by trazodone withdrawal.  Which has also been awful.  But, one day at a time, right?

 

I will hold at 6.75 mg as long as necessary and then try a 3% taper.  Whenever that is...

 

I just wanted to send you some healing vibes, from one mirtazapine warrior to another.  You are listening to your body, which is really the key, isn't it.  Also self-compassion, and acceptance.  Both hard, I know.  Hugs to you from Canada 💜

[Bestill]

@Mirtazapain  I was actually reading your story last night.  I was going to pop on over today and say hello.  You beat me to it.

 

i am sorry for your experience with your taper.  I remember that in the beginning myself when I tried a 16% decrease and it did not go well.  I now taper no more than 3%.  My problem is I still try to act like my normal self before this all happened and it’s not possible yet.  Still trying to figure it out.  It looks like you are well in your journey and unfortunately it sometimes causes road blocks.  I’m seeing them as well.

 

Thank you for healing vibes.  I send them to you as well.  It is so helpful to have a tribe that understands and can be support when you need it.  You will stabilize and continue your journey.  There is no doubt there.  ❤️
 

hugs

 

bestill

[Bestill]

Good morning!  I am now down to 7.9. It has been a lot better than the previous months.  I feel like I have come out of it.  I hope it stays for a bit.  
 

In the evenings, it still gets to me.  Just feeling blah and exhausted.  Sleep has been a little interrupted but not bad.  Air hunger is still present.  I have been dealing with that since last October.  I have learned pressure points on the chest to help me get a full breath.  I relax my body when it’s annoying and have accepted it as part of the process and I know that  it will go away.  
 

I am now dealing with low back pain.  It seems to be nerve related.  Pushing, pulling, twisting are all no no’s.  Some days are better than others.  Take it in stride.

 

I have also puffed up a bit and put on a little weight.  Still eating very clean and weight gain happened within a month.   Inflammation and/or water retention.  Needless to say, this one bugs me a lot.
 

i am trying to welcome every symptom and know it’s for a time and will eventually go away as I get lower and lower.  Is it still a bummer, absolutely.  But I have to keep myself in a positive mindset.  It helps the process go smoother.

 

i will be holding until the rest of June.  I will be traveling and have graduation parties to attend.  I will also be celebrating my birthday in July.  Turning the big 4-0.  I need to feel as well as I can.
 

As for exercise.  I have been walking daily.  My goal is 10,000 steps a day and I started some gentle Pilates with a band and 1lb weights.  We also got a pool so I started some water aerobics which is actually kind of fun.

 

my first milestone is when I hit 7.5.  That was my first major goal and I will be hitting that in July.  I’m super excited!

 

for now, I am finally out of the 8’s. I felt like that was a doozy for me.  But it’s done and over and not even a thought anymore.

 

❤️Bestill❤️

[Ariel]

@Bestill

What a beautiful update. Thank you for sharing <3

Congratulations on how far you've come! 

Your attitude is exemplary. I'm impressed with your positive mindset and excellent non-drug coping techniques. Very inspiring.

Wishing you peace on your continuous healing journey,

A. 

[Gigi68]

Hi @Bestill glad to hear this drop has been better for you!
I had a lot of back pain when I was on higher doses but happy to report it has been gone for some time. I hope yours resolves soon. 
Enjoy your travels and graduation parties! Good idea to hold for those. I held for 6 weeks on my last drop due to traveling from Arizona to Wyoming. The trip went well other than my husband got food poisoning our last night on the road so I had to drive the last 280 miles. It was a challenge but I did it! 
 

Happy Big 4-0! I remember that one which was 30 years ago for me. 😊

[Faure]

7.9 - well done, out of the 8s! Glad you’re feeling better and able to do some general exercise. Remember to keep it gentle! Enjoy your hold ☺️☺️

[Bestill]

Thanks ladies for your support!  
 

Yesterday I had a great day.  By the evening, it hit.  Anxiety and just feeling awful.  Period is late so playing a huge factor in how I am feeling.  Took this as a sign that my period would be here today. Not the case and I just feel major pms.

 

i also woke up at like 1 this morning with awful vertigo.  Like the room was spinning.  If I laid on my back it would calm down but anytime I went on my side, bam it would hit.  Never experienced anything like that.  Wondering if it’s from swimming in the pool or the meds?  Idk…
 

I still went to a graduation party today in 90 degree heat and faked my why through one person after the next.  I am very proud of myself for pushing through.

 

Came home and cried.  It’s so funny how horrible my cycle is.  Every month I feel like I go through the same B.S.  my poor husband just sits there and hugs me until I suck it up and say I’m good.

 

I’m still not learning how to be gentle on myself.  I don’t know how to turn myself off.  This week we head up north so I have made it my goal to do absolutely nothing but relax and only move when there is a purpose behind it.  
 

Things have been going pretty good too and then I get hit with feeling like garbage again.  Someone remind me that this is all part of the process.  

 

[Ariel]

@Bestill

Hi there, stopping by to say hello. 

I appreciate your posts that I've been reading around the site. 

 

11 hours ago, Bestill said:

Things have been going pretty good too and then I get hit with feeling like garbage again.  Someone remind me that this is all part of the process.  

 

It's all part of the process! Truly. 

 

It's such a bumpy ride, isn't it? Rafting in white water rapids, except it goes so slooow... 

 

11 hours ago, Bestill said:

I’m still not learning how to be gentle on myself.  I don’t know how to turn myself off.  This week we head up north so I have made it my goal to do absolutely nothing but relax and only move when there is a purpose behind it.  

 

I hear you. It can feel pretty impossible to do when we are in the thick of it. When WD hits really hard I don't know how to rise above and switch off, either. We have to just keep practicing. Even if it doesn't feel like we're learning, as long as we practice it's doing something good for our brains. Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. 

 

Please at least don't blame yourself for this experience. It's not your fault. WD messes with us so completely that it even manages to convince us the problem is us and not WD. That's it's cruelest trick. 

 

Your plan to relax and do nothing sounds like a good one!

 

You mention your period and PMS so I gather you know about how hormonal fluctuations in our cycles can influence and exacerbate WD symptoms. I get this, too. Just to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way. 

 

I read that you've got a birthday coming up in July (me too, summer babies unite) and will be turning 40. We're about the same age. I don't know whether age factors into making the menstrual-cycle-WD interaction worse, but am thinking it's possible. Not that that helps us in any way with symptoms, but maybe we can add it to our "it's not me, it's WD" files. 

 

Wishing you a good trip up north, with moments of peace, rest, relief along the way. 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

 

[Bestill]

@Ariel  Thank you for your reply.  It is truly calming when you can read others encouraging words.

 

i got my period this morning.  Is it bad that I get so excited when it comes? It’s just because my body will start to find balance again and I won’t feel so yucky.

 

it was a humid one today.  Humid weather always makes the air hunger tough.  But I keep myself busy so I don’t think about it.  
 

I still got a lot accomplished today. I just can’t  sit still.  It was low key like power washing and putting mulch in my garden.  To me, therapeutic but my body is still working.  Maybe it just needs to rain for a day.  🤷‍♀️
 

Hormones must come down harder on us as we age.  But my goal is to continue to heal my body through all the lifestyle changes I have made.  But I abused my body for decades so now I just have to expect that time will heal the damage.  I was joking that maybe by the time I go through menopause it will be a walk in the park.

 

oooh another July baby.  What is your birth date?  I have always loved being a summer babe.  I always pretend the fireworks are just for me.  
 

Again, thank you for the encouragement.  I will always read this when I need it.  It seems to be around the same time every month.

 

❤️

 

 

[Ariel]

8 hours ago, Bestill said:

i got my period this morning.  Is it bad that I get so excited when it comes? It’s just because my body will start to find balance again and I won’t feel so yucky.

 

I know this feeling so well! Sometimes I anticipate the arrival of my period as one might a summer thunderstorm, there's all that tension and humidity built up and you just can't wait for the storm to blow through and clear the air. 

 

8 hours ago, Bestill said:

it was a humid one today.  Humid weather always makes the air hunger tough.

I can relate to this, too. 

 

8 hours ago, Bestill said:

Maybe it just needs to rain for a day.

 

Yes exactly, there you have it. 

 

Hang in there, Bestill. You're doing a great job! 

Healing is happening <3

[Faure]

On 6/25/2022 at 10:59 PM, Bestill said:

 

I still went to a graduation party today in 90 degree heat and faked my why through one person after the next.  I am very proud of myself for pushing through.

Wow, well done. This must have been so hard.  I must confess I usually skip such things if I’m feeling dreadful. The only exception for me is work. Although I don’t have children not to let down, so can afford to be more selfish…..Well done you for going! 
 

On 6/25/2022 at 10:59 PM, Bestill said:

Came home and cried.  It’s so funny how horrible my cycle is.  Every month I feel like I go through the same B.S.  my poor husband just sits there and hugs me until I suck it up and say I’m good.

As I’m getting older I’m more affected by pms, I don’t think I ever had it before.  Last week I had that and a wave - bad combination! Nice to have an understanding husband - you are very lucky with that 🙂

 

On 6/25/2022 at 10:59 PM, Bestill said:

I’m still not learning how to be gentle on myself.  I don’t know how to turn myself off.  This week we head up north so I have made it my goal to do absolutely nothing but relax and only move when there is a purpose behind it.

Good re relaxing - I hope you have a restful  week. I meditate for 40 minutes most days. It really helps me stay steady, calm, not overdo things. I become aware of how I’m feeling during meditation (usually tired!) and so am better able to meet my needs when I practice meditation regularly. I do the Jon Kabat Zin 40 minute body scan.  I find when I don’t do it it takes longer to get to sleep and I also over do things, ending up exhausted because I just hadn’t realised I was getting tired. 
 

I hope you have a restful, peaceful and enjoyable break 😌

[Bestill]

@Faure  the graduation party was for my nephew.  I canceled on them last year because I couldn’t get off the couch.  So I couldn’t do it again.  I haven’t seen him or my sister since pre Covid.  

 

I am definitely in some what of a wave.  Better than yesterday but it’s still there annoying the heck out of me.  Anxiety seems to be taking the front row seat. I am wondering if my traveling tomorrow has anything to do with it.  We are just going to our cottage up north but I have my parents coming too.  Anticipation, prepping and cleaning, the not knowing, day 3 of period.  All of the above.  If I already talked of my travels before, forgive me.  Sometimes I forget and I’m too lazy to go check.  🥴

 

I am doing a lot of resting throughout the day and it’s helping.  My mind wants to move though.  
 

❤️

 

 

[Ariel]

17 minutes ago, Bestill said:

I am definitely in some what of a wave.  Better than yesterday but it’s still there annoying the heck out of me.  Anxiety seems to be taking the front row seat. I am wondering if my traveling tomorrow has anything to do with it.  We are just going to our cottage up north but I have my parents coming too.  Anticipation, prepping and cleaning, the not knowing, day 3 of period.  All of the above.

 

Hi @Bestill

Sorry about the wave.

All that activity might be perceived by the body as stress, ramping up symptoms (in addition to menstrual hormonal influence).

The body doesn't distinguish between "good" desired stress and "bad" unwanted stress. It's all just stress on the system.

Good that you are resting, too.

Hang in there, Bestill. This too shall pass.

[marie123]

Hi Bestill. It's easy for w/d to get more intense when a trip is coming up. A cottage sounds lovely even if you have guests. Try to get some relaxing you time when you are there and enjoy yourself. We certainly deserve it after all of this. Maybe take a seat and have your s/o pick up some slack of entertaining. This is what I do, I ask for help. Have a good time. Marie.

[Bestill]

I am home!  Made it through the week up north with my parents, kids, animals and the hubby coming  up half way through.  He had work stuff.  I have to say that I didn’t really enjoy myself.  I love my parents but they always have an agenda and it’s the stress of taking care of everything and everyone.  I was nervous about handling the kids at night because that’s when I want to lay down and rest because I’m so tired but I did it.  It wasn’t too bad but definitely feeling it hard at times.  Not a lot of sleep.  I have an Oura ring that lets me know how my sleep is and how ready I am to take on the day.  It basically said, you suck this week.  So I need sleep tonight and a few good days of rest and restore.  
 

I am still making a decrease tonight.  I decreased 1% up north so tonight will be a 3% reduction to my first mile stone of 7.5.  Something to be excited about, I think.

 

Ready for whole foods again.  This is usually 90% of my diet and on vacation it seemed like half.  I’m craving fresh fruit and veggies.

 

Will see what the rest of the week will bring.  Glad to be home.  Will be heading up north again in a few weeks, this time no guests. 😉 I really don’t have any planned events now, so I feel like my body just took a big sigh of relief.

 

❤️ And I’m officially 40.  

[Ariel]

Happy belated birthday @Bestill

Hope you had a good one <3

[Bestill]

@Arielit was nice.  My last birthday I couldn’t get off the couch so this was a huge improvement.

 

❤️

[Bestill]

Last week has been one of my best weeks since tapering.  I noticed my sex drive appeared out of the blue.  My husband appreciated that.  Wink wink, nudge nudge.  
 

I went to a movie in the evening which was difficult because I feel it most at night.  But I did a lot of self talk and was able to enjoy being with the family.

 

I ran a ton of errands which I usually don’t have motivation to run around that much.  Got my walking in and have been doing Pilates.  Worked in the yard, swam in the pool, slept great and just genuinely happy.  
 

I make sure to get some rest in so things don’t catch up with me.  
 

Today I am feeling it a tad more this afternoon.  This is usually when my withdrawals peak.  I start to feel better by Wednesday.  I am however, not awful.  Just enough where my body has said enough, time to relax.

The one thing that bothers me the most is the water retention.  I am a petite person so it’s noticeable.  Primarily from the waste down and my face.  Sometimes it does get the best of me and I am confident that It will eventually go away.  Breathing hasn’t been awful but still present.  Nerve pain is still present in lower back.  That’s been another downer and it has made movement harder.  Body pains throughout and just feeling exhausted by the end of some nights.  Nothing that holds me down but it’s there.

 

I will probably do another 2% cut sometime this week and go from there.

 

❤️bestill

 

[marie123]

Hi Bestill. I got the water retention in my face too. It's come off a lot and finally I don't have a round face. It will for you too. Happy belated birthday. Marie.

[Bestill]

Thanks @marie123 It’s even more puffy this morning.  
 

Worse sinus headache I have ever had.  Kept me up.  Was just painful and making me nauseous.  It was a full moon last night and I am beginning to think that full moons do something.  Who knows.  It’s still present at the moment and I feel like I just want to put a pin in my head and pop it so all the pressure is relieved.  I have noticed lately I have been getting more headaches and they stick around for about 3-4 days.  This is the worse one yet.  We also had rain yesterday too.  This is where I wish I could run because it helps drain everything.  The joy of feeling like garbage.  🥴. Going to try a hot wet towel on the face.  I never take any pain killers for anything either.  I let my body do all the fighting.  
 

❤️❤️

[marie123]

I have been getting some headaches too lately. They are light ones that are relieved with a long shower mostly. I am sure it is from Mirt and my last small cut. I think it's correlated with how big the cut is/how soon you cut and the seasonal weather. Marie.

[Bestill]

For my notes:

I am now on day 3 of a migraine.  Yesterday I was on the couch or in the shower trying to find relief with none In sight.  I slept better last night but still woke up every few hours to rub peppermint oil all over my head, temples and cheekbones.  This is by far the worse headache I have had.  It is around my ovulation time so I know hormones are beginning to drop.  I already have sore breasts and I’m 13 days out from my period.  My periods have been a hot mess since I started tapering.  Needless to say.  This is not a fun experience and I have sympathy for all of the migraines suffers out there.  I will say that it is a little less than yesterday so my hope is that it continues to dwindle down.  I can handle dull.

 

❤️❤️

[marie123]

Hello Bestill. I know we don't like taking extra meds, but it sounds like a situation for Ibuprofen. I had tapered off the two other meds while still having menstrual cycles. It was hard cause I had symptoms from the periods and the w/d. I finally stopped menstruating at 59! That's from age 12 to 59. I would also get a hot washcloth folded and lay down with it on my forehead in a darkened room. Sometimes I would take ibuprofen. Marie.

[Bestill]

I finally found my pattern.  I have my major waves around my period.  Otherwise, it’s pretty mild and only in the evenings.   Down to 7.3.  Holding until period starts.  This should be anywhere from 3-5 days but now that I put it out in the atmosphere it will be later.

 

It has been almost 7 months since tapering and I have to say I am doing better now. 

 

I am up north, sitting on my deck watching a storm come in.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  I call them God sightings. Helpful to keep my mind occupied when my body just hurts, my breathing is not good, and nausea is letting me know it’s not going away anytime soon.

 

bestill ❤️