ThatOneGirlStitch: trying to escape anhedonia

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Hi, I'm Stitch

 

I was take to a hospital where I was put on a cocktail of medications. After I left I started to become suicidal and didn't know which medication was causing it. The doctors would not help. So in a panic I started getting off of them. The last few I quit cold turkey. One of the last being zoloft. I experienced short breath for a week. Then that changed to not eating for a week. Then everything was ok. Then anxiety hit hard. I was in a panic for days. I couldn't sleep or eat. I went back to the hospital where I tried to explain that I thought it was the zoloft. They ignored me and said it was impossible. I was put on different meds. The Gabapentin calmed me down enough to function but still with high anxiety. This went on for 5 months. Then the doctor gave me celexa. It fixed everything. But I started to have headaches in my frontal lobe. And my emotions were very blunted. I got off the medication and my emotions did not come back. Three months later I was adapting to having less emotions when suicidal depression hit. I told the doctor I didn't want anything with serotonin. He gave me Remeron telling me it worked differently. I didn't want to take it but with suicidal depression and my family pressuring me to do something about it, I caved. More headaches in the frontal lobe and rest of emotions lost. After I got off the Remeron they did not come back. And now I cant eat well. My body doesn't want the food. My heart rate has gone up permanently. But most distressing I cannot love, I cannot feel the cool breeze, I have no interest.  The emotional loss is more than I can bear out of any symptom. It's heartbreakingly empty. I lost all my coping skills with it. I would have ended it if not for my partner. If I die, she said she would die. The pain, anxiety, heart issues, fear, lack of appetite, I believe those can heal. As for my emotions I feel as though they were lost forever. I have yet to see a post that describe the headaches. I think something was dying in my frontal lobe. I can't explain it but I feel like there is physical damage there. I have had windows with everything except my emotions. If anyone has experience with the emotions not coming back after off the drug or the headaches that caused it, I would be so enterally grateful. How does one cope without emotions? I can't even leave the house. 

Thank you for listening to my introduction. I hope I can heal along with you all or make a life I can live with. 

[Kiasofia]

Welcome @ThatOneGirlStitch

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through and are going through, but relieved you have found us. There are many here who can identify with what has happened to you. It is shocking, but all too common, that medical professionals dismiss or misinterpret what is happening. Then they add inn more drugs which is rarely helpful and makes it hard to sort out what is a drug reaction, side effects or withdrawal.

 

You have gone on and off a lot of drugs and it will take time for the body to get back to normal, but it will.

 

Since those treating you don't understand withdrawal it's important that you do:

What is withdrawal syndrome?

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

I found this post helpful to understand what is going on and why healing takes time:

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

Other links that might be helpful:

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

"Is it always going to be like this?"

Migraines, Headaches, Neck Ache and Head Pressure

 

Unless advised by another moderator on this forum, I would not make any changes to the current drugs or dosages, to give your body and brain a chance to settle down:

Keep it simple, slow and stable

 

Had you taken any psychiatric drugs before July 2020?

Did you notice any difference in symptoms after quitting Celexa? After quitting Latuda? After quitting Lithium? After quitting Remeron?

 

How is your sleep now? Any anxiety?

 

This is your Introductory topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

Had you taken any psychiatric drugs before July 2020?

I took 20mg of Lexapro briefly in college during exams, but once I graduated, I had no problems tapering off. I didn't need it anymore. That was about 7 years ago. Nothing else.

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

Did you notice any difference in symptoms after quitting Celexa?

When I started taking the Celexa, that's when I got anhedonia. And pain in my frontal lobe. When I came off of Celexa, the anxiety came back, but the only difference was the fact that I had anhedonia too, which didn't go away.

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

After quitting Latuda?

They had me quit Latuda at the same time as the Lithium, so it's hard to say. 

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

After quitting Lithium?

My depression worsened and I got bad suicidal ideation. 

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

After quitting Remeron?

Remeron got rid of the suicidal ideation (for now), but I lost the rest of my feelings when I started it. When I came off, I got gastrointestinal issues, eating issues, cortisol spikes, increased heart rate, and chest pains. I've had a few episodes of depression, but so far the suicidal ideation has not come back as strong as before. 

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

How is your sleep now?

I'm lucky to be able to sleep through the night. I try to stay up late because I currently feel better at night. But it doesn't matter how late I stay up, I seem to wake up at 10:00 every morning. 

On 11/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Kiasofia said:

Any anxiety?

Anxiety was common in the morning until about 2pm, but today it has lasted all day. It seems my symptoms are shifting again, even though I haven't changed anything since the Remeron - but that was a few weeks ago. 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

My symptoms seem to keep fluctuating every week or two. I've had one window that lasted 2 days. Heaven. But other than that, I don't seem to get consistent symptoms. I believe you're supposed to go down on medication once you're stable. What is stable? And if it changes with waves and windows, when is it safe to start to get off my medication? 

[Kiasofia]

When so many drugs have been started and stopped it is hard to know what is causing what. Most of what is happening to you is probably a combination of withdrawal and adverse reaction to drugs for more than a year now. Why was drug treatment started in July 2020? Unfortunately medical professionals try to treat problems caused by the drugs with even more drugs, which often makes it worse. Please say no to trying any more drugs, your central nervous system has been sensitized so this can be dangerous.

 

Why was Bupropion increased in October? What date? What changes did you notice after this?

 

Did you stop Latuda at 80mg? Do you take Klonopin daily?

 

Please  add the following to your signature:

The date you started and stopped Remeron

The dates you increased Bupropion

The date you stopped Lithium

The date you stopped Latuda

 

A two day window is a good sign at least. Another will come. Just keep finding ways to hang on. I recommend spending some time in our symptoms and self care section:

Important topics about symptoms

 

Here are some of the links you will find there 

Acknowledge, Accept, Float

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

Neuro-emotions

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, be careful with supplements. Your central nervous system (CNS) has become sensitized from psychiatric drug use and can react unpredictably. Alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and other mind altering substances can make the condition worse.

Important topics about tests, supplements, treatments, diet

The search function on this site doesn't work very well.  The best way to search this site for specific information  is to use your favorite search engine. Type in survivingantidepressants.org then the symptom, treatment, supplement or information you wish to search for.

 

To make sure someone sees your post write @ and then start typing their username so it becomes blue like this @Kiasofia

 

I would think that tapering the drugs you are on now should wait until you have been feeling stable for a few months, considering how many drugs you have recently come off.

 

Please continue to update on how you are doing.

Edited November 15, 2021 by Kiasofia

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

I I'm scared. Im leaving a window and am starting to feel low mood and sadness. Im worried about the sadness getting worse, so much it physically hurts. Last time I got sad, it turned into huge crying depressive suicidal. I remember feeling the worst pain I ever felt and begging for death or to be knocked out. Im only alive because my family wrapped me up in a blanket and took shifts for days. I couldn't eat. My family couldn't call 911 or I'd be sent to a hospital and given more pills. It only ended because I was given Remeron for a week. 

 

The waves get easier each time, right? I need something to hold on to.

[Kiasofia]

No human should have to experience what you are going through. It slowly gets better, but it takes time❤️

 

Can you answer this:

On 11/13/2021 at 2:23 PM, Kiasofia said:

Why was Bupropion increased in October? What date? What changes did you notice after this?

 

Did you stop Latuda at 80mg? Do you take Klonopin daily?

 

[Crochet]

@ThatOneGirlStitch Hi there -  I wanted to let you know that I suffered from anhedonia this year and it was one of my worst symptoms.  I have gotten my positive emotions back and my ability to feel pleasure back.  It didn't happen all at once, and I didn't recognize it right away, usually in hindsight.  The first sign was that I caught myself really laughing one time.  Another moment was when I looked at the sky and thought, I'm okay.  It was so bizarre and felt so bad for a while, but the good feelings came back.  Take care, Crochet

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

2 hours ago, Crochet said:

@ThatOneGirlStitch Hi there -  I wanted to let you know that I suffered from anhedonia this year and it was one of my worst symptoms.  I have gotten my positive emotions back and my ability to feel pleasure back.  It didn't happen all at once, and I didn't recognize it right away, usually in hindsight.  The first sign was that I caught myself really laughing one time.  Another moment was when I looked at the sky and thought, I'm okay.  It was so bizarre and felt so bad for a while, but the good feelings came back.  Take care, Crochet

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much this post means to me. I was just crying and combing the forums for something to hold on to. God thank you.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

On 11/15/2021 at 10:27 AM, Kiasofia said:

Why was Bupropion increased in October? What date? What changes did you notice after this?

 

Coming off of the Lithium caused a spike in depression - suicidal ideation was frequent and there was fear that I might act on it. The first thing the psychiatrist tried was increasing the Bupropion - that was at the same time I was told to get off the Latuda, on October 7th. So October 7th, I increased my Bupropion to 450mg. But it didn't seem to change anything, so about a week later, on October 13, I was prescribed 30mg of Remeron, but after asking advise from the pharmacist, I only took 15mg. Within a couple days of that, my anhedonia got significantly worse, my depression was gone, and I had some issues hearing for a few days. On October 19th, my psychiatrist told me to quit the Remeron cold turkey, but instead, I lowered it to 7.5mg for about 4 days - I was completely off the Remeron on October 24th. 

On 11/15/2021 at 10:27 AM, Kiasofia said:

Did you stop Latuda at 80mg?

On October 7th, by my psychiatrist's instruction, I went down on Latuda from 80mg to 40mg. Then on October 11th, he had me quit the Latuda completely. 

On 11/15/2021 at 10:27 AM, Kiasofia said:

Do you take Klonopin daily?

Yes, I take 0.25mg every morning and 0.25mg before bed each night. 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

I am having 3 main problems and if anyone can offer advice I'd be very extremely grateful. 

I have a very low stress tolerance. Phone rings, text messages, a cartoon character is upset, doctor calls, it took me some time just to get the energy to write this post. How is this handled? How do I increase my tolerance. It's hard to make my own food, my family brings it to me.

 

I can not eat. Not only do I have no appetite, I have an aversion to food. I cant stand the smell of it. I eat a few bits and I feel like I'm full. Its like me body doesn't want it. Should I get a nutritionist? 

 

Anhedonia. I was able to cope with my emotions. But now when I feel bad I don't know how. I grab a blanket and I feel no comfort. I have a warm glass of milk, same thing. I go out in nature and I hardly register what Im looking at. All the coping mechanisms seem to rely on emotion in some way. When the pain ends I don't feel relief. I'm just now in a state of less pain and cant be relieved about it. I miss relief and comfort. 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @ThatOneGirlStitch. 

 

What we see here is that people who have gone on and off many psychiatric drugs and suffer adverse drug effects often have depersonalization, derealization, and emotional anesthesia. These are very common consequences of psychiatric drugs that very gradually go  away over many months. 

 

It's likely your nervous system has been sensitized by your drug mishaps and needs tender loving care to recover. Please treat it and yourself gently while you heal. You'll have to do the best you can -- such as eat what even slightly appeals to you. You need to keep your body healthy and strong so it can rebuild.

 

You are still taking bupropion? How's your sleep?

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

@Altostrata I am taking bupropion. I'm too scared to make any moves currently. I sleep through the night (not great sleep but ok) and get naps in the day if I'm lucky.

[Altostrata]

Given all you've been through, you're doing pretty well.

 

Try not to worry about the weird emotional anesthesia, etc. You need to take care of yourself while your nervous system fixes itself. Feed it good, fresh food -- lots of leafy greens; minimal junk, sugar, and caffeine.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

@Altostrata

 

 

17 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Given all you've been through, you're doing pretty well.

I hope so. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. 
I will try to eat what I can. I've been looking around the site for information about these symptoms.
I'm going to try to improve my food intake and decrease any junk or sugar. Maybe with an antihistamine diet, elimination diet. (I guess those are the best to start off with.) maybe a nutritionist will help.
Can my nervous system still heal while on a benzo and other meds?

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Since 2020 I have lost 20lbs. Im 5' 5" and am continuing to lose weight. I am currently 119 lbs. I am getting an average of 600-700 cal a day. I have found a couple foods that I seem to be able to eat. But I can not eat much. My stomach is not emptying and if I eat too much food just won't go down. I am hoping to combat this by eating many small meals through out the day. I hope it works.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Tried getting and appointment with a gastroenterologist. It seems like the one I went to last time is permanently closed. I had to leave a message at another office. Not going to lie, this is exhausting and I think Im in a bit of a window too. I've had a way better window before with less symptoms, but this isn't the worst. Eating small meals then being in pain just to have to eat again. Even at that rate I'm still not getting enough calories. And my whole day is focused on food. Ensure seems to cause inflammation. I was really banking on that.

[Crochet]

I had a hard time eating too and lost a bunch of weight.  I think it's a good plan to try to eat many small meals.  I made sure there was always a hard-boiled egg that I could grab and I also kept a bag of trail mix in my room in case I felt hungry during the night.  Eventually, my appetite came back and I've since gained the weight back.

 

I think stress tolerance comes back slowly over time as well.  Take good care of yourself and try to ensure your environment is as calm as can be, understanding this is not always possible.  

 

Distraction is the best coping tool that I found during the most sensitive time.

 

Take care - Crochet

 

 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

@Crochet

 

Hi Crochet!

Thanks for checking in.
It's a good Idea to keep snack food around my room. I never get hungry but it would be another tool in my arsenal.

And you're completely right. Distraction is the best coping tool.

Best wishes to you as well!

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Thought It good to list my symptoms for future reference. I didn't want to list them out. I didn't want to see them.
I understand that any past symptoms or new symptoms can pop up at any time (This just from what I see on the forums, correct me if wrong)
I find that fact scary and don't know how to reconcile with that as I can not judge improvement based on what symptoms
I currently have if they can change at any time. If someone has more insight on that I would appreciate any thoughts or experiences.

Past Symptoms 

Crazy high anxiety (constantly for about 5 months)

Anhedonia/No positive emotions (remeron made worse)

Depression

hopelessness

Depression and very strong suicidal urges (stopped only because of the remeron. May come back. Very much hope not)

low mood 
Crying nonstop

Movement and pain of the legs
cognitive issues (seems to have cleared up?)

No appetite

 
Hard time breathing (happens on rare occasion)
weak limbs

Palpitations

Increased resting heart rate (may slowly be going back to base)
DR/DP

nero-anger (happened a few times)

low stress tolerance

Many things over stimulating
Fear/terror
cortisol spikes (woke up with them)

low stress tolerance
Hurt to eat

nausea
Can only eat a few bites then feel full
weight loss
gas
diarrhea (started after the remeron)

Current Symptoms
Anhedonia/No positive emotions
Low mood
Low stress tolerance
Many things over stimulating
hopelessness (comes and goes)
No appetite

Hurt to eat

nausea (trying ginger)
Can only eat a few bites then feel full

weight loss
gas
diarrhea (currently working on GI issues)
 

Symptoms get slowly and slightly better at night. (Not the Anhedonia and not the GI issues) Hope that stays. Helps me get through the day.

[Kiasofia]

On 11/21/2021 at 8:46 PM, ThatOneGirlStitch said:

Can my nervous system still heal while on a benzo and other meds?

Yes, people are able to stabilize from withdrawal (heal the central nervous system) while still taking other drugs.

 

Keep taking one day at a time until your body adjusts to the current drugs you are taking and adjusts to being off all the others❤️

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Thank you Kiasofia,  I appreciate you checking in to answer my question! It was something I as worrying over.

---------------------------

 

Today I am going to my psychiatrist and am going to have to explain why I can not get of these medications as fast as she wants me to. (apparently the last pych - would didn't believe in tapering. Not exaggerating- put me on dosages too high for my body weight) I cant eat, am losing rate rapidly. Can not feel thirsty. Cannot leave the house. So I don't really want to go down on my meds for a few months. I will also have to explain it was not the wellbutrin that is causing my lack of appetite but started after the remeron (This is a very hard thing to explain to people as they think coming off wellbutrin will bring my appetite back, as it is a known appetite suppressant)  I wish psychiatrist knew this already because this causes so much unnecessary stress. And I will probably be emotionally out for the rest of today. Mostly what I want her to understand is I am ridiculously sensitive to medication and any changes can possibly kill me. I don't understand how this can not be taken seriously. It is simple cause and effect. The first thing I would like to work on is making sure I don't die from not being able to eat. 

 

I hope this this appointment goes even a little better than I expect it to.

 

Here I go. Wish me luck!

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

The psychiatrist appointment went better than expected. Not ideal, but ok. She said with all these crazy things happening to me we are going to hold off on medication changes. She says she doesn’t know what could be causing this. Thinks it might be related to long term covid. And that it doesn’t make sense or would be very unlikely that the meds would cause this kind of reaction. She did mention that it very well could be related to the autonomic nervous system. She is very considered over my weight loss. (She said 10lbs in two weeks. Yikes) She is contacting my General practitioner to discuss this. Really, she’s the best psychiatrist I’ve had.
 

The soonest I can see a GI doctor is in three weeks. At the rate I am going I’m going to be under a 100lbs by then.  Hope to get an earlier appointment.
Will update on that.

Hopefully I won’t have to go to the ER. Really want to avoid that. I don’t want anymore meds.

 

Hoping for the best.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Trying to stay positive. I was forced on 7 drugs at once. Fast tapered and C/T one or two. Then put on more drugs and fast tapered again. Right now I am trying to get my body to eat enough food. I can't get anyone to call me back at the doctors. I have two worries. That I will die from starvation/my body will fail from not getting enough water or I have been on two many drugs to have a chance at healing. 

[Frogie]

Is there anyway you could eat small snacks throughout the day? But make them with protein. Yogurt, cheese, peanut butter and crackers, things like that. Even a potato or some soup. Just every 2-3 hours? And sip water or juice or decaffeinated teas are good for upset stomachs.

 

I wish you the best.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

@Frogie

Thanks frogie, I will trying to manage. Your support is greatly appreciated. Your well wishes mean a lot. Thank you

[Frogie]

2 minutes ago, ThatOneGirlStitch said:

@Frogie

Thanks frogie, I will trying to manage. Your support is greatly appreciated. Your well wishes mean a lot. Thank you

You're very welcome. I hope it works out for you.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Went to an urgent care because I was desperately in need of fluids.  On a good note my kidneys are ok. While there they gave me Zofran, I don’t know the dose and I don’t know anything about it. I didn’t want it and am worried it will trigger something or make me worse. For the love of god, stop trying to give me meds!

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Well good news! I was able to eat roughly 1000 calories for three days! 
 

On others news. The two previous days, at 8pm, my body felt hit by a train of exhaustion. I couldn’t move or focus my eyes on anything. I just laid there unmoving for three hours until the exhaustion left my body.

 

So I’m thinking ok, this is new. Ok time to adjust. It’s not the worst thing. 

It didn’t come at 8 tonight.  Tonight around 7 I felt a resurgence of anxiety. So Im mostly distracting myself.
 

I‘m not really sure what my body is doing right now. 
Im not sure where it is going. I feel like there should be some kind pattern (Is that how it usually is?)

Well whatever it is, here we go!

 

God protect. 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

I got a new symptom today. I was thinking ok I can roll with this. I googled coping strategies. As I was doing one my mom (who’s been supportive and carrying me through this) asked what I was doing I told her I got a new symptom. She said, come on really, Another one?! That’s so obscure. 
She is just surprised and has a hard time understanding why everything keeps changing.

I broke down. I have no control over what happens. I don’t know what crazy symptom I’m going to get next. I don’t know how bad it’s going to be. I don’t know if I’m going to make it through it alive. I’m trying to make it through and most all my symptoms aren’t too bad right now. I scared because I know it’s going to get worse. 
 

I don’t know what going to come next. And I don’t know if I can survive it.

[Altostrata]

Would you mind disclosing what this new symptom is?

 

Yes, we know symptoms keep on changing. That is typical of withdrawal syndrome.

 

See What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

My vaginal region is stimulated.   It’s extremely uncomfortable. I’m not aroused and its not at sexual. Last time I looked I had pssd.  

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Symptom: Fingers go numb if I’m holding on to an object like a phone or a Book for too long.

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

If someone can answer this question I would be grateful.

 

What is stable? How do you know if you’re  stable?

Is that not having any symptoms or not having unbearable symptoms?

Does it mean you’re at a consistent pattern?

Is there a rough estimate on how long it takes to be stable?

If symptoms change every 3 months is that stable?

 

Thanks for reading. Best wishes to all.

 

[ChessieCat]

Stability

 

WDnormal

 

And Brassmonkey explains it further here:

 

tao-of-the-brassmonkey

 

[Rosetta]

Hi.  I hope my story reassures you that you will heal.  It’s going to be a very bumpy ride that makes no sense for a while.  You will have to find a way to trust that your body can  learn to regulate itself again.  It’s very difficult to do that, I know, but you will slowly recover as long as you don’t rock the boat by changing medications or dosages.

Good luck, Rosetta