Lilmizz21: Introduction - Advice needed

[Lilmizz21]

@Farout thanks so much again for the reply.

 

I am on the waiting list for the therapist. My problem is my thoughts change minute by minute so hard to battle if that makes sense. 

 

If it was for example the same three thoughts then exposure therapy may help but it's almost like my brain just latches on to anything to cause me torture at the moment. 

 

Thank you so much for taking interest in my journey.

[Lilmizz21]

@Farout sorry I just another question. 

 

 

My adverse reaction was severe very severe like brain burning, shaking all over, inner restlessness, wanting to get out of my own skin, maniac, SI.

 

 

Was your adverse like this?

 

As I've seen similar adverse on the adverse reactions on youtube and it seems it took him years to recover.

[deg1979]

Mine was. I know you weren’t asking me, but I thought I had gone insane. I had SI that scared me so much I went to the hospital for a psychiatric consult on 9/15.  I woke up at 1 am on 9/9 feeling like I was having a heart attack. It felt like I was being electrocuted at the same time. I was throwing up, crying, shaking, my heart rate went up to 165, and it would not stop. It just kept happening over and over on repeat. Even in the ER that night (I went 9/9 also—thought maybe I had serotonin syndrome, and at least needed something to make the panic attacks stop), it was the worst thing I had ever lived through. I had never been so scared in my life. The next day I was shaky and jumpy, but that was to be expected. By the third day, the massive mood swings/SI/akathisia (inner restlessness, wanting to come out of your skin) started. By the fifth day I was desperately calling my regular dr. By one week I was so terrified I made my husband take me for the psych consult.

 

If it takes us years, it takes us years. One day we will be normal again. And every day we live through brings us closer to 100% healed. Some days are definitely harder than others.

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979aw thanks so much for that. I really appreciate it, it just helps me not feel so alone. As I know sometimes an adverse reaction can be like dizziness which of course is so awful. But sometimes I feel like god mine was so severe and sounds like you went through the same thing.

 

How have you been doing this week?

[JesusSavemefromWD]

1 hour ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@Farout sorry I just another question. 

 

 

My adverse reaction was severe very severe like brain burning, shaking all over, inner restlessness, wanting to get out of my own skin, maniac, SI.

 

 

Was your adverse like this?

 

As I've seen similar adverse on the adverse reactions on youtube and it seems it took him years to recover.

Hi there,

sorry ur suffering, I am on the “adverse reaction” club as well and it is pure torture but time should heal us all. I was wondering which utube videos have u found on adverse reactions? 

[deg1979]

Not so hot. I was pretty discouraged. The electrocution feeling went away for a little while, but it always comes back. Sometimes it feels like icy hot is running down my back and arms. That’s the mild version. Other times it feels like fire or electricity. Yesterday it was like constant fire all day. I almost had a panic attack several times yesterday, for no apparent reason whatsoever. I was constantly battling the anxiety and panic. It is so exhausting. I hear you. It is a battle that sometimes feels never ending. I do have windows where I don’t really feel “normal,” but I feel like I’m mostly myself. During those times I think, “See, you are still you. This can’t change you. You’re still here.”

 

Also, I agree that the intrusive thoughts are made up of our worst fears. It’s kind of like your worst nightmares—you wake up wondering where the heck that came from. The deepest, darkest recesses of your brain. But those dreams and those thoughts are not us. We choose what thoughts to entertain. Just keep turning those dark thoughts right back around. My therapist has me doing that. One of my thoughts is, “You’re a waste of space and a terrible mother. You can’t take care of your kids because you’re such a mess.” My therapist said, “You are a wonderful mother who is struggling with an illness, just like any other illness, and you are doing everything you can to get better and help yourself and right now that’s what being a good mother looks like.”

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD hi there! Oh no what was your adverse reaction like? Was you on the med long?

 

If you go to the first page of my thread I think it's the first post theres a link for adverse reactions with youtube video.

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979 Aw Deg, bless you having panic attacks that is horrible, honestly. These will be a thing of your past soon. I just get like an intense crushing fear. 

 

And what a beautiful and true statement Deg, about you as a person. 

 

Soon you will see yourself as this, the reality when your out the other side.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

9 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD hi there! Oh no what was your adverse reaction like? Was you on the med long?

 

If you go to the first page of my thread I think it's the first post theres a link for adverse reactions with youtube video.

3.5 weeks on a low dose of Zoloft…. My situation is a horror case…My symptoms are in my signature; the worst of all for me is the severe depersonalization and the mental Akathisia/ chemical fear. I am praying to God to help us all go through this needless suffering…….I ll try to find the link, thank you

[Lilmizz21]

Hi Guys!

 

As yous are aware my thoughts are the worst symptom I have really. I have the strangest thoughts.

 

But recently which has been a lingering one is when I try to watch something thinking "what's the point in life", or "theres no point to any of this, theres not that much to do"

 

This is scaring me. Is this an intrustive thought or a feeling of just no interest in things?

[Altostrata]

On 11/18/2021 at 3:38 AM, Lilmizz21 said:

@manymoretodays @Altostrata sorry I just wanted to get your opinion on vaping?

 

I vape Alot, it is the only thing that calms me. But I dont think stopping vaping will help matters as then will have to go through nicotine withdrawl on top.

 

Could I get your opinions in withdrawl? 

 

You wouldn't stop if I said vaping is bad for your lungs, so why are you asking?

 

Please do not tag me unless you have a question about tapering or withdrawal.

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979 @Greatful @JesusSavemefromWD just wanted your opinions.

 

I get like brain crushing almost and that's when my severe SI happens. This happened with the adverse reaction, even on the tryclic and now. It is a very very intense feeling like a part of brain is in a vice. It's hard to explain.

 

Can anyone relate?

 

Do yous think this was just a lingering effect from the AR?

[JesusSavemefromWD]

11 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@deg1979 @Greatful @JesusSavemefromWD just wanted your opinions.

 

I get like brain crushing almost and that's when my severe SI happens. This happened with the adverse reaction, even on the tryclic and now. It is a very very intense feeling like a part of brain is in a vice. It's hard to explain.

 

Can anyone relate?

 

Do yous think this was just a lingering effect from the AR?

I don’t feel that but I feel like the right hemisphere of my brain is “mislocated”, like it’s trying to explode and climb on the top of the left hemisphere. I know it’s crazy but I can’t explain it any better… it’s hell. I can’t see very well from my right eye and my right shoulder is a bit frozen and in pain, so I am sure the AD use caused something really bad particularly on the right side of my brain. 

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD so weird isnt it. The sensations. 

 

How have you been?

[JesusSavemefromWD]

5 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD so weird isnt it. The sensations. 

 

How have you been?

Honestly I am ready to go back on another AD poison hoping to fix what Zoloft did to me…. I can’t keep living like this anymore, it’s 13 months of this suffering . How about u?

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD I just read your thread. 

 

Did you have an AR to cipralex before the weeks of sertraline?

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD sorry just trying to work out the history to see if i can be of any help to sort of work out why recovery may be longer. 

 

It seems maybe it may have been AR, then AR reaction to the zoloft but you continued cause I'm sure doctors said just bare with it? 

 

You keep going honestly, there are people who have never had windows and within a week or day every symptom lifts. 

 

I have been awful!!! SI, complusions, obsessing thoughts, thoughts that are just manic, depression, tinnitus, vision floaters, vision blurriness

[JesusSavemefromWD]

36 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD sorry just trying to work out the history to see if i can be of any help to sort of work out why recovery may be longer. 

 

It seems maybe it may have been AR, then AR reaction to the zoloft but you continued cause I'm sure doctors said just bare with it? 

 

You keep going honestly, there are people who have never had windows and within a week or day every symptom lifts. 

 

I have been awful!!! SI, complusions, obsessing thoughts, thoughts that are just manic, depression, tinnitus, vision floaters, vision blurriness

Yes, I took cipralex for two days before zoloft and a few hours later I was walking in my back yard screaming I am going crazy help!! I stopped and recovered in 24 hrs, but stupidly doctors convinced me that Zoloft is a milder AD and took it. Felt horrific but not as crazy as in cipralex so I was told to stay strong and these adjusting first effects will shuttle after two weeks. Well, by week 3 everything was getting worst and I decided to wean off. Unfortunately I think I was already hooked up on the drug and quitting it made everything 100x worst but thought I would recover soon since I was in it for short time. Recovery Ain’t happening, I have really lost my mind and need to do smg now, can’t take this suffering any more , it’s already over a year. Thanks for ur interest and I hope u manage to heal and be free if these poisons soon

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD that is exactly the same as my story just diff drugs.

 

What's smg if you dont mind me asking?

 

I really hope you find relief also. It is hard going through 13 months with no improvement but you will still heal no matter what.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

4 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD that is exactly the same as my story just diff drugs.

 

What's smg if you dont mind me asking?

 

I really hope you find relief also. It is hard going through 13 months with no improvement but you will still heal no matter what.

Like trying another SSRi at a very low dose as suggested here… I don’t know what else to do , my situation is not livable . I realize more adverse reactions heal with time but I am 13 months out and living in panic mode all day long.

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD I'm not sure what the mods or admins say or the correct protocol. But I must admitt if I get that far and feel how I feel, I too will try something.

 

Can I ask, is it the fear more than anything? Is that the symptom that's causing you the most distress? 

 

What about your actual thoughts are they clear? But your almost in terror.mode all day?

[JesusSavemefromWD]

2 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD I'm not sure what the mods or admins say or the correct protocol. But I must admitt if I get that far and feel how I feel, I too will try something.

 

Can I ask, is it the fear more than anything? Is that the symptom that's causing you the most distress? 

 

What about your actual thoughts are they clear? But your almost in terror.mode all day?

There is no protocol, just some general guide lines, but no one can predict what might work for an individual. That is what is so evil about these drugs, they are like Russian roulette….

Have u ever seen a chicken without a head walking around? That’s how I look every day. I don’t have the pacing Akathisia but I am in constant chemical terror and feel the need to escape (I don’t know from what, it’s totally irrational fear) and I am also in deep depersonalization, feels like I am a ghost living among people. Hard to explain the DP. If that would lift I could probably take this torture but it is only slightly better but far away from normal, still keeps me housebound cause when I try to get out everything seems  fake, scary like I am in a 3D movie. Horrible !

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21

1 hour ago, Lilmizz21 said:

I get like brain crushing almost and that's when my severe SI happens.

I definitely get this.  The top of my  brain will feel like it is crushing in,  I would call it my sink hole and that is when I have the most  intense obsessing and disconnected thinking.  Some times it feels like it is burning, numb, tingling, these will move around the brain  I have had it were it feels like a vice grip on  either side of my temples.  Last summer it would feel like someone was trying to push a peg through the top  of the brain.  Right now the left side of my brain by my left ear feels like it is burning, and the top of my brain hurts/burns being pushed in.

If I get overstimulate, noise, activity, it can really go crazy, tighten up, go numb and tingle, squeeze.  I went out to eat and stop at a store with hubby and it is rebelling right now.

I think our brains are in the frying pan or in the meat grinder or both😖

 

 

 

 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

Just now, JesusSavemefromWD said:

There is no protocol, just some general guide lines, but no one can predict what might work for an individual. That is what is so evil about these drugs, they are like Russian roulette….

Have u ever seen a chicken without a head walking around? That’s how I look every day. I don’t have the pacing Akathisia but I am in constant chemical terror and feel the need to escape (I don’t know from what, it’s totally irrational fear) and I am also in deep depersonalization, feels like I am a ghost living among people. Hard to explain the DP. If that would lift I could probably take this torture but it is only slightly better but far away from normal, still keeps me housebound cause when I try to get out everything seems  fake, scary like I am in a 3D movie. Horrible !

My thoughts are now clear yes, they were not for the first 10 months. What is ur worst symptom?

[Lilmizz21]

@JesusSavemefromWD I know that terror your talking about and I know the intensity of it. I dont know and dont want to say anything out of turn here. 

 

But I wonder would a benzo help? To relieve that fear instead of messing with the brain chemicals so that the brain could still recover. And then if the fear was removed, could you then maybe function better. 

 

I cant watch tv or anything but once again I do feel like, me as you am bedridden and our brains arent in action doing what they usually do so it feels like we forget to do the things we dont do or practice the brain to do. 

 

My thoughts are hell. They are extreme SI. They are manic. I question everything. I obsess over things, developed ocd, and literally my thoughts are ethier to cause enough torture that I'm not here or ways for me not to be here if that makes sense.

[Lilmizz21]

@Greatfulthanks so much for responding as I know you mentioned this previously too.

 

I'm not glad you said you can put it to a symptom, not glad one bit!! But comforted. 

 

As when I feel a certain sensation in my brain, sometimes I can associate it to the thinking at the time as well if that makes sense. 

 

Aw I'm so glad you went out, I really hope this helped to take your mind off things even for a short while. I know your busy commenting back to people as you help others so I wont ask how you are but I do keep up to date on your thread

[JesusSavemefromWD]

10 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@JesusSavemefromWD I know that terror your talking about and I know the intensity of it. I dont know and dont want to say anything out of turn here. 

 

But I wonder would a benzo help? To relieve that fear instead of messing with the brain chemicals so that the brain could still recover. And then if the fear was removed, could you then maybe function better. 

 

I cant watch tv or anything but once again I do feel like, me as you am bedridden and our brains arent in action doing what they usually do so it feels like we forget to do the things we dont do or practice the brain to do. 

 

My thoughts are hell. They are extreme SI. They are manic. I question everything. I obsess over things, developed ocd, and literally my thoughts are ethier to cause enough torture that I'm not here or ways for me not to be here if that makes sense.

It’s still early days for u, I had these symptoms and they are gone now. Benzo would help with the fear for few hours but would make DP worst. I don’t want to get addicted to benzos, they  are usually more harmful than ssris although after what happened to me with Zoloft I am not sure what is worst. Anyways, I ll not go down the benzo route . Can’t watch tv either ….really sorry for what these drugs are putting as through, I wish I could force down the throat of my doctor a few pills to see how it feels…

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21

Thanks for keeping a eye on me😊 This beyond what any human should ever experience.  

   Do you get what I call brain panic, like you are going crazy and then the ears are irritated  and you want to rip them off

I think you will find it interesting.  I don't know for sure if this has any indication of the brain hurting and the WD symptoms  

 

The frontal lobes are considered our emotional control center and home to our personality. It's involved in motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgment, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior.

  

[deg1979]

Hey, there. I just wanted to add in my two cents that benzos are not a good idea. They do mess with your brain chemicals. I was given lorazepam in the ER during my adverse reaction. They gave me four tablets. I took three (the one in the ER, then one that night to sleep, then another the next night to sleep). Two days later is when I started having the akathisia, the depression, the chemical fear, the insomnia, racing heart, paresthesia, etc. I took myself back to the ER, where I was told I was stuck in an anxiety spiral and given clonazepam and propranolol. I was told to take it twice daily for two weeks, but several days later (after taking it only at night) I started seeing my current psychiatric provider. He is adamantly against benzodiazepines and won't prescribe them. 

 

After that, I began taking hydroxyzine, because that is what my new dr prescribed. It was either than or more SSRIs, which I refused. I will add that my mother in law developed panic disorder in her early 30s (from street drug use, I believe) and was treated with clonazepam. She told me I should take the clonazepam and get some relief. I asked her how long she took it for. She said she is still getting off of it. She has a new dr who cross tapered her onto Valium, and she's finally down to 1 mg a day. She is 67 now. That's why my new dr won't prescribe them. I do know some people who are treated with them and do great. My brother developed panic disorder (again, street drug use mixed with psych med use), and he was treated with clonazepam for one month, then tapered for another month without much difficulty.

 

I worry, though, that after an adverse reaction we are primed for only harm from these drugs. I started to give in and took the clonazepam sporadically over a month from mid-September through mid-October before I realized (because I was keeping careful notes on a blank calendar) that I always had severe depression and derealization about 50 hours after my last dose of clonazepam. I only took it at bedtime for sleep. I never took more than .25 mg at a time (half the .5 mg tablet prescribed to me). I thought I was being very careful. I didn't really understand how the drugs worked. I was just panicked and exhausted and needed some relief. Everyone around me, from my mother in law, my husband, to my best friend (who in a nurse practitioner), told me to just take the clonazepam because that is what it was made for. But it complicated my recovery, and my darkest moments all happened in those interpose withdrawal moments between sporadic doses. I thought I was being very careful. I was told dependency begins after as little as 8 days of consistent use. I never took it more than three nights a week. 

 

At the same time, you have to do what you have to do, and you will get no judgment from me! I understand what you are going through, and I myself often feel desperate. I will tell you I am doing much better completely off the clonazepam. My last dose was a month ago. I haven't had any catastrophic depression or derealization/depersonalization since then. If you are truly desperate, it will offer you some relief, but I want to make sure you do it knowing what you may face. I am just one person, and I can't say for sure that I'll never end up on them, because I am currently taking hydroxyzine, which definitely helps me. It doesn't make the anxiety disappear, as I've heard clonazepam does, but it makes it tolerable so I can work through it and do therapy. I live with the fear that it may stop working for me, and that all my symptoms will come back. Or that when it comes time to stop taking it (some say 4 months max use, others 6 months max) all my symptoms will return. 

 

Just be careful with yourself. And maybe consider trying hydroxyzine if you need some relief. I will tell you most people I have seen on here only take it for sleep. I take around the clock, every 8 hours, and I think that is the key to it really helping you. It does something to help stabilize me, and it helps more the longer I take it. I feel I have had slow, gradual improvement over the two months I have been taking it. I experience waves and windows still, but my waves are not as bad. I can also usually make a connection between something I did to upset my nervous system when I do have a wave. I'm not telling you that you should take a drug. What I mean is, if you are desperate, try hydroxyzine before you try a benzodiazepine. I think you would want to take the dose I am on, which is 25 mg three times a day (every 8 hours). For the first month I took it more often--about once every 4-5 hours. At first it will make you drowsy. That is better than feeling like a live wire, so I learned to live with it. You also kind of get used to it, the same way you would taking an allergy medication (hydroxyzine is an allergy medication--it's an antihistamine). I haven't found much information about how it works--only that they don't know for sure. Many generic medical sites say it has some effect on serotonin receptors, which worried me a lot, but all of my drs reassure me that I should keep taking it and it will not hurt me. If you check out my thread, I ask Alto about this and she says it's not an SSRI effect that is helping me, and if it's working she doesn't know why I would go off of it at this point. 

 

Also, I can't separate my adverse reaction to Lexapro from benzodiazepine use. I know Lexapro caused me immediate autonomic symptoms (my body temperature was going up and down, I felt like I was sick, had a fever sometimes, a too low temp others, I thought I had covid and got tested), but after six days I woke up at 1 am having a full blown panic attack for the first time in my life. I went back to bed, recognizing it was a panic attack, only to have them start again three hours later when I was trying to watch TV (which is interesting, since so many of us cannot tolerate TV, myself included). So that indicates to me that, at that point, central nervous system disruption had already occurred. But when I was treated for the back to back panic attacks that morning in the ER, that is when the benzodiazepine use began. And the mood swings and depression and panic and anxiety and absolute hell began after the lorazepam left my system. So I can't extricate them from one another. I know Lexapro caused a reaction on its own, but I also know benzodiazepines messed me up as well. 

[Lilmizz21]

Guys, I'm really starting to worry.

 

I know people get obsessive thoughts and intrusive thoughts

 

But my paranoia thoughts, intrusive, SI thoughts are always, always it's as if my mind isnt mine anymore. 

 

It's not now and then..its all the time

 

I'm so scared

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21

Your brain and mine must be meeting and coming up with ideas on how to scare us.

I had some pretty scary delusions first thing this morning.  I was half connected to reality and panicked with the crazy feeling. Then I had a fear of what happens if I start to stab myself to try and stop the panic  feeling and disconnect in my brain.  Scared the heck out of me.  I think some of the crazy thoughts I think of are from reading other peoples experiences.  Our brain is so out of wack and the filter is not always there so anything can trigger a thought and make it feel real and stick like Velcro. 

Sounds like this is a tough day for us both....We just have to get through the rest of the day 

[Lilmizz21]

@Greatful how do you stay so postive with it?

 

Sorry, I know you spoke about processing but I went to a shop with a friend and everything was just different. When I look at a tv it's just different I cant explain it. It's like my brain isnt processing it right. Like squeezed in or something. Is this just my brain not processing?

[Greatful]

Did I ever send you the link to the story about the lady who recovered from benzos? 

Altrostrata equates it to anyone who's brain has been affected by drug/chemicals

http://What is happening in your brain?

This story has calmed me at times, to see that my brain is trying to work but it is all mixed up

I went to Menards last summer and when I was getting out of the car I felt myself go dizzy, got out anyway(getting  dizzy when standing was nothing new) started to walk and I could hardly walk, so dizzy it  felt like I was not going to be able  to stay on my  feet, slowed way down and concentrated on walking, got into the store and it was so bright, it felt like a big spot light was on.

Sometimes the sky has looks different, brighter,  three dimensional  

 

These things don't scare me as much as having very distorted thoughts that feel almost real.

I had some really scary thoughts yesterday morning but I am not going to say for fear of planting them in your broken brain.  Some of us are more easily subjected to hearing/seeing things and starting the ocd thoughts.  It was a self harming one.

 

[Longroadhome]

1 hour ago, Lilmizz21 said:

@Greatful how do you stay so postive with it?

 

Sorry, I know you spoke about processing but I went to a shop with a friend and everything was just different. When I look at a tv it's just different I cant explain it. It's like my brain isnt processing it right. Like squeezed in or something. Is this just my brain not processing?

Sounds like derealisation where nothing feels real around you, feeling in a dream like state surreal etc  which is another symptom and very common though scary. It can also come with depersonalisation  Which means dissociated feelings, feeling detached from self and disconnected. 
Hope this helps.  

Both eventually go. 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

16 minutes ago, Longroadhome said:

Sounds like derealisation where nothing feels real around you, feeling in a dream like state surreal etc  which is another symptom and very common though scary. It can also come with depersonalisation  Which means dissociated feelings, feeling detached from self and disconnected. 
Hope this helps.  

Both eventually go. 

@Shep

Hi Shep,

I suffer from severe dpdr for 13 months now, after just 3.5 weeks on a low dose of evil Zoloft. I must admit it has improved a bit since the beginning but it is still so bad that I am housebound because of it… i also suffer from non stop fear and despair but I think these are linked to the dpdr state I am (I basically feel buried alive, it is that bad). You mentioned here that DPDR will eventually go but in ur success story u mentioned u still have it. Do u still have it but it is bearable or u just learn to live with it. Mine at the moment is quite bad, impossible to lead a normal life . So happy I have survived years of polydrugging!! 

[Longroadhome]

1 minute ago, JesusSavemefromWD said:

@Shep

Hi Shep,

I suffer from severe dpdr for 13 months now, after just 3.5 weeks on a low dose of evil Zoloft. I must admit it has improved a bit since the beginning but it is still so bad that I am housebound because of it… i also suffer from non stop fear and despair but I think these are linked to the dpdr state I am (I basically feel buried alive, it is that bad). You mentioned here that DPDR will eventually go but in ur success story u mentioned u still have it. Do u still have it but it is bearable or u just learn to live with it. Mine at the moment is quite bad, impossible to lead a normal life . So happy I have survived years of polydrugging!! 

I wrote  that not Shep Jesus