MrDoodle: Please Help Me

[MrDoodle]

Hi Everyone, I started taking meds for depression induced by panic attacks from trauma in 2013. Skipping to 2020 my therapy at the time was Venlafaxine 300mg, Quetiapine 25mg, Mirtazapine 30mg, Amitriptyline 25mg and Perphenazine 2mg. I felt like I was in a good place in the sense that I wouldn't call myself a depressed person anymore and my anxiety was manageable most of the times, indeed my life was far from being perfect but also wasn't that bad from my perspective at that point, but also I started to slowly  realize that a lot of symptoms that I tough were caused by some other factors, were actually the product of the side effects of the medications I was taking. I'm talking about tachycardia, weight gain, tinnitus, light sensitivity, tiredness, lethargy, reduced libido, and most important of all, reduced cognitive abilities, loss of memory, lack of focus and attention, extreme difficulty in learning new things.

 

For most years that I was on my medications I was really unaware and oblivious to the facts that these drugs could produce such harmful side effects, and it never occurred to me either that my periodic relapses through the past years could've just been symptoms of withdrawal rather than the actual authentic depression and anxiety coming back. 

 

At the end of 2020 I wanted to start  coming off the meds and I lowered that dose of Venlafaxine from 300 a day to 150. After some time that I called my psychiatrist to told him I wanted to continue and taper the meds we had kind of a rupture, since he told me on the phone that I could taper the meds by myself since they didn't present a high enough risk to give me real trouble, based on his opinion. Of course I thought that was an absurd and unprofessional way of dealing with a patient. I must say that he was a private psychiatrist, and would take 150€ every appointment, so because of this I would go to see him just every 3-5 months since I couldn't afford to go see him every month, other wise I woud contact him on the phone.

I guess he was irritated since he didn't agree with me getting off the meds and and didn't want to deal with me since I didn't represent that much of a money income for him, but I can't say for sure.

 

So in the end even tho I knew I should've taper my meds with the guidance of a psychiatrist I still did it by myself, I was supposed to go see a public psychiatrist but since Covid and Lockdowns there were no availability in any hospital at the time in my city, that pissed me off and I said screw it.

 

In the first part of the 2021 i fast tapered Quetiapine first, going from 25mg to half pill for couple of weeks at max than stopping and did the same with Mirtazapine from 30 mg to the same process, although I probably took the 15mg dose longer.

 

You know at the time I still wasn't that much conscious of what really I was doing and how the withdrawal was really affecting me. I know I was really irritable, but I was associating that to fact that I stopped smoking in April of 2020, since then I started to have a short fuse, so I didn't really let the withdrawals get to my head. Like I said, I was in a better place in that time, willing to do changes.

 

Than during the summer of 2021 I tapered Venlafaxine also at a fast pace, from 150 to 75 to 37.5 all this in less than a month I think, also it wasn't linear, there were days where I took a dose again because this time I was really struggling with severe mood swings and brain zaps. The 24 of July is when I totally stopped taking Venlafaxine, I was just taking a single med that was a 2 in one having 25 mg amitriptyline + 2 mg of Perphenazine, I was taking this med from like 2016.

 

Stopping Venlafaxine really opened up a whole lot of emotions, I would cry so much and so easily, watching videos, movies, listening to music, I also was able to have really high highs and just felt so human, but I also became really obsessive, started having a lot of intrusive thoughts. 

 

At the end of August it's when I noticed that I was taking a hit, I started to feel depressed in some days, a depressed state that I didn't feel for a long time before.  My mental stability got worse, I still was able to enjoy life, but I begin to have this underlying state of anxiety and depression, or at least this intense physical feeling that was telling me that something wasn't right, and sometimes it felt really really awful and I couldn't distract myself.

 

At the beginning of October I decided to get help and did get an appt with a psychiatrist and also a psychologist in a mental health center.

 

The 6th of October i stared a new Therapy: 5 mg of Vortioxetine to get up by 5 mg every five six days until I will reach 15mg, and 15 mg of Mirtazapine. 

 

That's when I started to slowly to develop anhedonia. Mid October psychiatrist took me off  Mirtazapine cause I could stand it no more.

 

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist the 5 November because the Vortioxetine just numbed me down and also my anxiety was increased, I guess it's because I also stared a new work in October, and it's a freaking call center.

 

My interests and libido were really hit by Vortioxetine, I couldn't enjoy nothing like I used to, no the music, not drawing, not walking in the sun, nothing, would just lay down in bed on my phone all day after returning from my work, that was my state by the end of October.

 

The 5 November my therapy was changed to 50 mg sertralin

And 1mg of Trifluoperazine 

and man my anhedonia got worse. After 10 days I couldn't take it and took another appointment with my psychiatrist. Her opinion was that the anhedonia was actually a symptom of my depression and just couldn't convince her that I didn't feel like this before the new therapy and that it were the new meds. At the end she took me off me from Sertraline and told me that I could stop it right away since I just took it for ten days, it was most probably a mistake to listen to that advice, but I was eager to regain my emotions back so I did what she said and just stop taking it, basically just taking 1 mg of Trifluoperazine and that's it.

 

I stopped taking Sertraline the 16 November, and after a week without it i didn't see any improvement in my emotions, and to add to that I started feeling brain zaps. Being the frustration and the paranoia I thought it was the antipsychotic that was numbing me down, so the 20 november I took half of it, the 21 November a quarter of the pill and it's 2 days that I'm not taking Trifluoperazine.

 

But I had a really bad depressing moment yesterday, and I'm scared that I'm going to face a rebound that could drive to me suicide, and that thought terrifies me when I think about it, I don't know if I should reinsert the Trifluoperazine or maybe the Sertraline but at a lower dose and try to taper, even tho I'm already 9 days without it. Also the 19 November i did the second dose of the Vaccine and I'm having fever and flu symptoms from the 20 November and I needed to ask two days off at work today cause I just feel sick and can't do anything other than being from bad.

 

I'm scared for my well being, don't really trust the psychiatrist, really hate the meds but I don't know what's the right choice right now, I don't know if I'm going too fast, if this is going to pass or if I will spiral into a really bad mental place like I haven't for a long time.

 

Please help me.

Edited November 24, 2021 by hayduke
Add paragraph spacing for legibility

[hayduke]

Hi and welcome @MrDoodle

 

I'm sorry to see that you've been put through such a swathe of drugs.  The first thing you will be looking to do is stabilise after such a heavy round of abrupt changes and different compounds affecting your body.  Someone will be along to assist you with that, but to get us started, please create a signature with the dates and amounts of each drug you've taken, whether starting, stopping or changing dose.  Please read this guide to how to format this information, so we can see exactly what you've taken.

 

  

In the mean time, I would strongly suggest practicing as much self care as you can, and learning more about it.  

 

Most members find the magnesium in Epsom salts baths very calming, relaxing and good for anxiety, and also Omega 3 from fish oil or hemp protein powder so these are things you can try today.

 

Also have a good read of 

 

[MrDoodle]

22 hours ago, hayduke said:

Hi and welcome @MrDoodle

 

I'm sorry to see that you've been put through such a swathe of drugs.  The first thing you will be looking to do is stabilise after such a heavy round of abrupt changes and different compounds affecting your body.  Someone will be along to assist you with that, but to get us started, please create a signature with the dates and amounts of each drug you've taken, whether starting, stopping or changing dose.  Please read this guide to how to format this information, so we can see exactly what you've taken.

 

  

In the mean time, I would strongly suggest practicing as much self care as you can, and learning more about it.  

 

Most members find the magnesium in Epsom salts baths very calming, relaxing and good for anxiety, and also Omega 3 from fish oil or hemp protein powder so these are things you can try today.

 

Also have a good read of 

 

 

Hi! I updated the signature, but couldn't fit all the meds I took through the years.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I was thinking to reinsert amitriptyline since it was what I was taking before I started the new therapy that messed me up. Maybe I didn't wait enough time for the Vortioxetine or the Sertraline to settle properly in but the way they numbed down my emotions was and is very disturbing. But It could also be the antipsychotic: the Trifluoperazine that numbed me down more than the Vortioxetine or Sertraline or Mirtazapine (even if I took Mirtazapine for even less days than the Sertraline), at this point I don't know.

 

It's the most constant thing on my mind right now, I just can't enjoy the things I love like I could two months ago.  I was having depressing and anxious moments prior to the 6 October when I started the new therapy with the new psychiatrist, but at least I was also capable of having high highs, laugh, cry, get exited, enthusiastic. Now all is so dull and I can't stand it, my coping mechanisms aren't there if my emotions are absent, either I feel depressed or scared that I could spiral or I am just anhedonic, not really felling that bad, but not feeling good, it drives me nuts even tho It doesn't cause I can't properly let loose emotionally.

 

I'm afraid that the sudden changes in terms of my medications in a such short span of time (October to now) has caused me irreversible anhedonia. I remember when I stopped taking Quetiapine and Venlafaxine how my emotions got much more intense and vivid, but now that I'm off any type off antidepressants for whole 10 days it's not happening. I'm thinking of reinserting the amitriptyline because maybe the big factor here is norepinephrine and not really serotonin, but I'm just guessing, I'm in the dark.

 

My psychiatrist will be available from Monday on, but I don't even want to talk to her, I feel that she could have messed me up, it would be my fault also tho.

 

This is the same doctor that said that I could just stop taking Sertraline CT, basically leaving me and my brain with no actual antidepressants after something like 9 years, and here I am, feeling actually much more messed up than when I came to her.

 

Edited November 25, 2021 by ChessieCat
added spacing

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, MrDoodle said:

I updated the signature, but couldn't fit all the meds I took through the years.

 

So that we can have access to your full drug history information easily you can make a post with a comprehensive drug history and add the link to that post in your signature.

 

After creating the post and submitting it, click on the ellipsis ... top right of the post then click on Share from the drop down box.  Copy the URL.

 

Go to where you edit your drug signature and type in something like Full Drug History.  Then highlight that text and click on the Link icon 5th from the left at the top of the box.  Paste the URL in the top field.  The will create the link to the text.  Remember to click on Save below the signature box.