Erimus: my introduction and journal

[Erimus]

I read 2027 in your post @Blossom71and I thought to myself “wow that’s 7 years away, seems an awful long time”. Then I remember we’re in 2022 now 😂. I don’t think I’ve moved on from 2020 in my head. The last 2 years has just been one big nothingness haha.

[Blossom71]

Hahaha! Yep, the last years haven’t happened 😂

[Erimus]

For my records: 8th Mar 

 

Quite an intense anxiety episode that started around 15:15 and continued til about 19:00. Restless arms in bed before falling asleep.

[Erimus]

For my records: 9th Mar

 

Woke at 0700 and had restless legs til around 0830/0900. Anxiety from around 12-4pm on and off. Anxiety back again in evening from 7pm onwards til bed. 

[Erimus]

Fatigue on mornings with chills still present most days at the moment. Still experiencing pressure in head/eyes as well which I think is something to do with serotonin sensitivity.

[Erimus]

An intense pressure in my head this morning. Feels like it’s going to explode. Not fun, but we keep battling on. 
 

The sun is shining though, which always helps. One of these days I’ll once again watch the sun rise, content and calm in my body and mind. I can’t ever forget that.

[Erimus]

The past week or so I’ve heard the birds chirping on an evening just before sun-down. Just a little subtle thing like that can bring you out of the deep fog and dissociation. A sure-fire sign that spring is coming and hopefully better days for me, and for all of you others suffering as well.

[Erimus]

10th March:

 

Anxiety on and off throughout the day. Insomnia crept back in as I struggled to fall asleep. Too much adrenaline.

[Erimus]

11th March:

 

On the menu today: Quite a few physical symptoms today. Feeling very tense and rigid in my head and also my legs. Legs buzzing on and off throughout the day. The tension has also caused some stomach and gut disruption, which isn’t unusual for me at this point. Just weathering the storm each day the best I can.

 

Enjoyed a nice 15-20 minute walk this afternoon. The weather is warmer and much more pleasant than the bitter wind and rain of last week. 

[Blossom71]

@Erimus the weather was nicer here too yesterday. It’s finally starting to feel like spring. I’ve found this winter really long and hard so I’m hoping the storms are done for a while now!

[Erimus]

I’m looking forward to spring and summer as well @Blossom71. It’s been a long and horrible winter in more way than one. Be glad to see the back of it.

[Erimus]

11th March:

 

Insomnia problems again for the second night in a row. It’s come back with a vengeance after I thought I’d seen the back of it. Legs buzzing in bed until I finally managed to drop off. I’ve obviously still got a way to go with it all yet. My body still seems to be struggling with the idea that it’s only getting 50mg each day.

[Erimus]

12th March:

 

Feeling anxious and slightly panicky this morning. Heart feels like it’s beating a bit harder and breathing is rather shallow. Body felt like it was desperate for my dose of 50mg at 1100 this morning. Gearing myself up for a bad few days of anxiety and fearing the worse, which definitely doesn’t help (I know). I’ll force myself outside for a walk in the sun later.

[Erimus]

13th March:

 

Insomnia problems again last night (12th March), for the third night in a row. Laid in bed struggling to fall asleep for a few hours, legs buzzing which makes it very difficult to drop off. Experiencing some zaps still as well. I’ve tried to combat this by getting into bed later so I’m not tossing and turning for 3-4 hours. I know this is all part of the process so I'll keep muddling through.

[Erimus]

Past few days I’ve woken up and can tell my body is eager for its next dose of sertraline. Normally presents with hot flushes, body aches and sometimes zaps. Hopefully as time passes my nervous system learns to cope with the lower dose. Still feels like it wants a bit more at the moment but I’ll keep persisting.

[Blossom71]

Do you take your sertraline on a morning @Erimus?

I used to get that feeling on a morning before I even started dropping, and then after I took it I could feel it getting into my system.

I switched to taking it on an evening before bed and I didn’t get it anymore. I didn’t find that it had any affect on my sleep by changing either.  Have you ever tried taking it on a night?

 

it also upset my stomach less If I take it on a night 

[Erimus]

@Blossom71 I would switch to taking it on a night but I take mirtazapine at 9pm each day and don’t want to mix the two together. At this point I’ve taken sertraline on a morning for the 16 months or so I’ve been on it so I’m just going to stick to my guns for now. 
 

The other problem with taking it on a morning is you have to deal with the foggy head it gives you, I guess you sleep through most of that which would be helpful. It’s a pain orientating my life around the drug and the control it has over me.

[Erimus]

The short half life or sertraline does no favours to us either. This is why it’s so difficult to get off it. I was given fluoxetine first then opted to take sertraline instead; obviously then I had no idea about all this. If I had to choose my poison at least Prozac has a longer half life. You live and you learn.

[Erimus]

13th March (cont.):

 

Started the day off feeling on edge and restless, this then progressed into quite intense anxiety just after noon and into early afternoon. Late afternoon and into the evening more of a restless state of unease again. Just my mood all over the shop, the thought of a consistent mood all day every day sounds like a dream. Hopefully one day. 
 

Been gurning and grinding my teeth a bit more today, something to do with my body’s reaction to serotonin drugs I think. Definitely doesn’t like them. A better night wouldn’t go amiss.

[Blossom71]

Yep, I sleep through the symptoms so I don’t feel anything from them when I wake up. But It makes sense that you don’t want to switch if your already taking something in the evenings. 
 

Hope you have a good week @Erimus

[Erimus]

Update: 11th April 2022

 

So it’s been around 4 months since I crashed hard in December, and just over 6.5 months on 50mg sertraline. I think things are improving, albeit very slowly. 
 

I’ve started tapering Omeprazole at a rate of 4 beads/day. I will continue this until I reach 20mg then reassess. I hope to reduce it down to 10mg and stay there until I’m off the sertraline, this should improve my digestion but also alleviate any nausea that the sertraline taper may bring about. I plan to discontinue it completely once off the other medications.

 

I’m trying to reduce my time spent on the forum. Now that I’ve gathered all the useful and relevant knowledge it’s just a matter of time and patience. It’s not good for me to be reading too much into other peoples suffering; it’s also important for me to distract myself with things unrelated to antidepressant withdrawal, having spent the last year fully engrossed in it. 
 

I still have a lot of anger about what has happened to me as a result of these drugs, but this is something I must learn to live and deal with in the short term. 
 

I hope to begin the sertraline taper sometime between July and September, all things well. Hopefully I can begin to put this awful chapter of my life in the rear-view mirror.

 

Hope everyone is well, keep on fighting. One day we will conquer this terrible affliction.

[Erimus]

The omeprazole taper works out at about 0.71mg/day (4 beads). So it’ll take me about a month to reach 20mg, at which point I’ll decide wether to keep going onwards down to 10mg. Feels good to be finally progressing with something and being proactive in my recovery.

[Erimus]

Still got this little bit of lingering agitation/restlessness which makes the days pretty unpleasant. It’s been an ever present symptom for the last year. Last time I felt relaxed was before I dropped from 100 to 50mg sertraline in early April 2021. So yeah, it’s been an excruciatingly long time of bouncing between restless and exhausted. I hate this drug and want to cry every day when I ingest it, but I know deep down it is the kindest option.

 

Next Tuesday (19th April) I have to swap onto a different mirtazapine generic. It’s been a long time coming as the brand I currently take is now seemingly impossible to source; I’ve searched high and low round many chemists to no avail. I have taken this generic in the past (two boxes) but the change is noticeable for my fragile nervous system. Unfortunately it is unavoidable so I must try make the best of the situation by accepting it. There’s nothing ever easy about this process, ha!

 

I just need some stability in my life after 18 months of varying degrees of hell. So the sertraline will be remaining at 50mg til July at least. 
 

 

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, Erimus said:

Next Tuesday (19th April) I have to swap onto a different mirtazapine generic.

 

cross-over-changing-form-eg-tablet-to-liquid-of-drug-or-changing-brand-of-same-drug

 

[Erimus]

Thank you @ChessieCat. Unfortunately I don’t have enough left of my current generic to do a cross-over so it’ll have to be a straight swap.

I created a spreadsheet with the ingredients for a few different generics and the one I’m changing to is the closest match, with only one different filler and a slightly different coating.

[Erimus]

15th April:

 

Bad insomnia last night and feeling pretty rotten today. Muscle pains in forearms and upper arms. Tension headaches on and off. 

[Erimus]

Good news: eyesight is much improved from 3 months ago. I actually notice colours of food, and also textures when I eat sometimes.

[BigDave]

Hey @Erimus, good to read that last post of yours. It's good for us to focus on the positives. We spend so much time on the negatives.

 

I read your post about the teeth grinding/gurning. For a long time during withdrawal I would wake up clenching my jaws. I was wondering whether it was making my head buzzing/tinnitus worse or even causing it but I think it's just yet another withdrawal symptom. Anyway, I only get it rarely now. 

 

Agitation is also a big part of my WD. Just empathising with you there. I'm just trying not to fret even more about the restlessness and just roll with it. Harder said than done but I find getting myself a job to do helps focus the mind on something else.

 

Best wishes on your recovery. You'll get there one day. As I said in my own topic, this is not forever. 👊

[Erimus]

Thank you for the words of encouragement @BigDave. The jaw tension is an ongoing issue for me, but I know it will resolve as I reduce my dose on the drug.

 

I’m also at the point now where doing stuff helps to distract me from the agitation/restlessness as well. For a long time I couldn’t engage in anything because of it, but I can push through it a bit better now. Once this last remaining bit of anxiety/restlessness goes it will be a massive relief for me. 
 

Like you said, we’ll get there in the end. It’s just continually reminding yourself that none of this is permanent.

 

 

[Blossom71]

3 hours ago, Erimus said:

I’m also at the point now where doing stuff helps to distract me from the agitation/restlessness as well. For a long time I couldn’t engage in anything because of it

That's good news @Erimus. Being able to do other things rather than symptoms being all-consuming is great.  That has increased for me too over the last couple of weeks and it's just brilliant to have a 'break' for a bit. 

 

I thought you might interested that I'm now on 0 omeprazole.  Whoop!!  I have had the odd day that I've needed a Rennie during my drop but other than that it's been plain sailing.  I hope your Omeprazole too so I hope all goes well.  I have a bag of empty capsules spare, so if you want them let me know and I can post them to you. I used them rather than discarding the beads, so that i had one less prescription to pay for.

[Erimus]

That’s great to hear you are off the omeprazole @Blossom71. As of tomorrow I will be down to 30mg from 40. I reach 20mg on the 4th of May which will be a relief. Good to see it hasn’t caused too many problems, should benefit your vitamin and mineral absorption now you’re off it. One less drug to worry about!
 

Thanks for the kind offer, but I’m ok for now as I will be continuing to take it for the foreseeable future. 

[Erimus]

Throughout this process I’ve become very cynical and disillusioned with the world. During the worst of withdrawal I lost touch with reality as I battled each day with one pure objective, to survive. I’ve lost weight and the majority of my muscle mass due to the sedentary lifestyle I now have to live, as well as the stomach problems the drug has caused. The sertraline has ripped me apart both physically and mentally. When I’m not in bed I spend most of my day laying on the sofa wishing my life away. It’s not that I’m suicidal but I don’t enjoy being alive throughout this ordeal.
 

As I dig deeper and uncover more truths I find myself increasingly angry with the way these drugs are brandished to so many people, who, like myself, were in a hole of crippling anxiety and depression. A supposed “helping hand” in the form of chemical serotonin to provide the rope you need to lift yourself up. In a desperate situation you grab anything you can in a hope to “fix” your problems. Fast forward a while, the majority benefit from this drug but a few are left confused and crippled by the side effects and new problems you find yourself with. Back to the doctors you go: “it’s just anxiety” “just give it a little longer” or “you must just need more”. So you follow their advice, placing your trust in the hands of somebody who you spoke to over the phone for 10 minutes. A 10 minute consultation and you have the solution to all your stresses and worries that have accumulated over the last 6 months to 2 years. 
 

When I look back to the horrific place I was in before starting the drugs, crippled by insomnia and anxiety which had reduced me to a ghost of my previous self, I think to myself “I wish those were the only problems I have now”. It would be so easy to remove the stresses in my life: the unhealthy relationships, the 2-10am job ruining my sleep cycle, the house move 3 weeks into a pandemic, the guilt tripping by parents, the tension between a broken family, hanging on to past relationships that didn’t work out. It’s no surprise I careered myself into a mental breakdown. 
 

It’s 21 months on from the beginning of my breakdown now. All the physical symptoms I initially had are long gone, a distant memory, irrelevant. Yet I’m still sick in completely different ways. As I come to my senses more and begin digesting just what has happened since starting sertraline in October 2020 it infuriates me. How 1 medication can flip your life upside down. It took me a long time before I realised what the problem was. After changing my diet, removing all stresses, quitting my job, suspending my studies, meditating 60 minutes a day for 6 months in a row. I thought to myself “why do I still feel so terrible”. “The drug can’t possibly do all these things.” doctors told me time and time again. Well now I have the answers I need. I haven’t spoken to a doctor since December 2021 and intend to stay well clear except for emergencies and prescription renewals.

 

Now begins the almighty task. I have to get off these psychotropic drugs. First the sertraline, my bodies version of hell in a pill. I fight with it everyday; I must apologise to my nervous system but I’m doing the best I can to ensure an easier transition off the drug. First I must wait for stabilisation, then begin an incredibly tedious micro taper off this neurotoxic horror. I hope to be ready by July this year for the big journey back to health and back to me. 
 

For anyone that is bored enough to read this small essay, I commend you. It’s my method of coping with the madness that has erupted into my life. I still struggle to come to terms with what has happened to me. Only those who have suffered understand the strange mental place this horrific process lands you in. Onwards and upwards.

[BigDave]

Hey @Erimus I wasn't bored at all reading your small essay. I had a bit of an emotional moment earlier and burst into floods of tears. (Embarrassing to admit!) I was feeling sorry for myself and wondering how long it will be before I feel like my normal self again. 

 

Then I read your post and realised that we were having some similar thoughts at the same time. I know we're in different places regarding what we're taking right now but I can totally empathise with the mental anguish.

 

Chin up mate. We'll get through this. Hope you are feeling better very soon.

 

 

[Erimus]

Sometimes it’s good to let out all the built up emotions @BigDave. We pride ourselves on being strong but everyone gets down from time to time in normal life. This process of withdrawal just pushes us to our physical and mental limit each and every day. The non-linear recovery process is what makes it so difficult for me. I always say I wish I’d had a broken leg instead of a broken mind haha!

[Erimus]

24th April 2022:

 

A lot of horrible physical symptoms and the mental and emotional anguish and pain this causes. Sometimes I just have to lay still and ‘be’ as there is so much s**t going on inside me. It’s like being a prisoner inside your own body. I just want it all to stop. Onwards and upwards.

[Erimus]

16 months since starting sertraline. It’s left me physically and mentally debilitated throughout this time. I’m basically functionally disabled at this point, i.e. I can prepare and eat food and do basic self care, rest of time I spend mostly laying down wishing my life away. There’s a special place in hell reserved for the people who manufacture and distribute these drugs.