eileen1111: sertraline cold turkey recovery

[eileen1111]

@Dominique thank you so much, it's encouraging seeing that you've been experiencing some improved days, especially when compared to your first months 😰 Seeing other people being strong is literally the only thing keeping me going. I really hope the insomnia continues to let up as soon as possible for you, at 10 months off I'm certain things will only get better and better x

[Greatful]

Hi @eileen1111 Stopping by to see how you are doing?

[eileen1111]

hi @Greatful ❤️ I've had a couple of days with random stabbing fibromyalgia-type pain all over my body, and another couple where I had the worst migraine head pressure thing, but since then my baseline has been better (I don't wanna jinx it !!!). Compared to my worst worst days in december/january I am definitely doing better. And the approach of more sunny weather here in the UK is keeping my spirits more hopeful. 

 

How are you?x

[eileen1111]

having posted above sounding pretty positive... I've been experiencing non-stop chemical anxiety feelings, increased visual snow and derealisation for the last couple of days, as well as increased brain zaps, tingling pains all over my body, and feelings of overwhelming despair and grief.

 

I know what's caused this: my period is due, plus fairly major stress factors in my life right now.  (my parents are moving house, and so I'm helping them move furniture do all sorts of jobs etc, plus the anxiety around a change in my situation and the routine I had been building for myself which I was able to feel safe/okay in...I'm realising now that I did not factor in how much a move like this would affect my withdrawal. I thought it might be a positive thing in fact - we're moving to be closer to my grandma who I am close with. But the lack of having a safe space to retreat to, new and unfamiliar surroundings.... not good) 

 

I need to try and reach out to my parents and family and explain to them how I am feeling and the toll this is having on me ! But they 100% won't understand unfortunately. They love me and care for me, but their understanding of my plight and how awful i feel is a luxury. 

 

It's such a bizarre situation. I feel like I'm a ghost in my own life. 

 

I know I'm still early into my recovery. But the fatigue of being so unwell - and in an invisible way which eludes people's understanding - is getting to me

[Greatful]

@eileen1111  I am so sorry that you are in so much distress.......These changes can up set us and make things harder......I have a hard time with over stimulation......I would hope you can find away to get your family on board.....Maybe you could show them some information from on here SA that will explain things better.........My goodness all they need to do is read some of the thread's......Especially the new members that are a mess, full of panic, fear trying to find help........

 

Hang in there♥️

[eileen1111]

@Greatful I wish the whole world could read the experiences on here and have their eyes opened... my heart breaks for everyone - so much protracted suffering. But also so much strength and resilience. These gruelling days are really requiring us to look deep inside and use every last resource. Sometimes feels like I don’t have much more to give.

[dA2021]

Me included. I've not been able to cope the last few days.

[eileen1111]

@dA2021 my coping mechanisms sometimes feel like I’m throwing a glass of water onto a forest fire .... But eventually there will be moments of respite and relief. It’s always worth it to keep going. we can do this!!

[Blossom71]

1 hour ago, eileen1111 said:

my coping mechanisms sometimes feel like I’m throwing a glass of water onto a forest fire

 

That's the best way I've ever seen it described @eileen1111

I hear you and feel exactly like that when I'm digging deep and not getting anywhere 😣

[eileen1111]

hi @rebeccaannxo I'll send you a PM ! ☺️

[eileen1111]

3 months post zero 

 

Thinking back over everything that has happened since September 2021, it feels like I fell off a cliff I didn’t realise I was standing on. By December/January I was at the bottom of the abyss, with near-constant suicidal ideation and no idea how I could go on. At one point I was really in danger of acting upon those thoughts and I had to call a crisis line. Now, I am clinging to the side of the cliff, painfully climbing back up towards safer ground. I don’t know when I will get there, and I’m exhausted mentally and physically, but I know that I have to just keep climbing up inch by inch.

 

I’ve had some brief good moments in the last month. I’m learning to cope better with the visual snow and derealisation, which are my worst symptoms. They might have improved a bit (it’s hard to tell), but mostly it’s my coping which has improved (although I only think this on ‘good’ days of course).

The headaches are less frequent and less intense, although some days they still feel completely debilitating.

The morning anxiety and racing heart is also less intense.

Brain crackles/zaps are still regular, proving to me without a doubt that this is all down to withdrawal.

General anxiety/depression and ruminating is still overwhelming.

If I try and do too much, I get tingling and pains all over my body. I get exhausted very quickly. I have absolutely no stress tolerance; I can’t do most of the things I once could. I struggle to read, write, interact with people or function as I used to. I feel isolated from friends and family and life in general, because of the derealisation and the utter bizarreness and cruelty of this experience.

 

I have had to retreat into a place so deep inside myself and draw upon every last drop of strength. Somehow, I keep finding it. Somehow I am getting through each day, slowly and imperfectly. It feels like I am ‘failing’ at life right now, having had to give up my job, my uni course, and move back in with family and be completely dependent on them. But I have to remind myself that healing is the priority, and that the answer is time, patience, self-compassion; that I am worthy of the time it takes to recover, however long it might be, however trapped I feel inside this experience. I hope in another month I will see some more improvement, but I also know that there are some tough tough days ahead. I don’t feel safe in the world, or in my body, and feel I have lost my personality, as if it has been scraped away by the brutality of what SSRIs do to the brain. I have to keep saying to myself, it’s temporary, I’ll look back on this experience eventually and feel proud to have survived ….and meanwhile every bad day brings me closer to another good moment, brief glimmers of hope which feel so precious

[eileen1111]

very bad day. struggling 

it feels like i have fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue / chronic migraine in an unholy trinity 

crying a lot at the thought of how long i (still) have to endure this 

[Greatful]

@eileen1111  I am with you too.........If we only knew how long this was going to go on and had a end date, I think we would be able to face the days with a little bit more patience......I too have to be careful of over stimulation......Funny you should mention that you are drawing deep inside yourself to find some strength......I have been doing that lately also.... We are still making it to our pillow every night.  Crazy how you wait all day just so you can go to bed and hope for a little reprieve........Some nights you get it and some you don't 😬

Hang in there 

[Ariel]

On 4/13/2022 at 6:01 PM, eileen1111 said:

I have had to retreat into a place so deep inside myself and draw upon every last drop of strength. Somehow, I keep finding it. Somehow I am getting through each day, slowly and imperfectly.

 

This is beautiful, @eileen1111 

I don't know what more we can do, really, than do our best to get through each day ... one day at a time, one moment at a time ... for however long it takes.

I am so sorry that you are suffering through this. 

Thank you for your kind message last week taking the time to let me know that vision post was useful to you. It meant so much to hear that. You gave me a gift. 

Feel free to PM me if you want. 

I appreciate your accounts here on your thread. You write so clearly and honestly about the WS experience, it's helpful to read. There is something so profoundly cathartic about recognizing one's story reflected back through another. I am so grateful we have this forum to facilitate such healing mirroring. Even without faces it's so powerful.

You seem to have a healthy, constructive attitude moving through this ordeal. I trust that serves you well, supporting your healing journey more than consciously discernible. I believe in you. 

On we go ... !

A.

 

[Ariel]

Thinking of you, @eileen1111

Sending you a hug

Hope you're feeling better than your last post. 

 

[eileen1111]

On 4/15/2022 at 3:55 PM, Ariel said:

There is something so profoundly cathartic about recognizing one's story reflected back through another. I am so grateful we have this forum to facilitate such healing mirroring.

 

Thank you for your kind and supportive words ❤️ I can't imagine how much more lonely and confusing this recovery process would be if it wasn't for the peer support. I saw on your topic that you managed to have a productive conversation with your former psychiatrist about the existence of withdrawal syndrome - I was impressed reading about that. When I feel strong enough to engage in patient advocacy I would like to do similar. 

 

I am definitely feeling better than a week ago. But who knows, a week from now I might feel even worse!   I can never predict how I'll feel day to day and am just hanging in there.

[eileen1111]

On 4/14/2022 at 8:12 PM, Greatful said:

We are still making it to our pillow every night.  Crazy how you wait all day just so you can go to bed and hope for a little reprieve

 

I relate to this SO much. I feel better in the evenings purely because I know that the day is over now, expectations and pressures to be functional recede, I can lie in bed and that's what I'm 'supposed' to be doing lol. 

 

I hope you're finding some peaceful moments today ❤️ 

[Ariel]

Hi there @eileen1111nice to read you. 

 

19 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

I am definitely feeling better than a week ago. But who knows, a week from now I might feel even worse!   I can never predict how I'll feel day to day and am just hanging in there.

 

Truer words never written. The unpredictability is a demanding teacher for sure. "Hanging in there" is a valid coping technique and even, at times, an extreme sport. Withdrawal is the X Games! and you deserve a gold medal. 

Part of me wants to go on about how the uncertainty is all the more reason to practice being present in the now, as that's the only thing we ever have... But I think you know that very well. And it's great that you can smile about it (or at least post smileys about it).

 

I'm glad you've been feeling better this week than last week. It's nice to have a bit of a break, isn't it? Yesterday I had some relief, too. I think I've gotten better at enjoying those moments without attaching too much, trying to be in them rather than interpret or cling. X Games and Buddhist boot camp, we are like little zen monk adrenaline junkie endurance athletes... (haha clearly my cognition has yet to improve)

 

I want to write: sending you a little wave -- but i don't want the universe to misinterpret what i mean as an interhuman gestural wave and send you a withdrawal wave instead -- so i'll just literally physically wave at my computer screen in your direction and trust that the good vibrations will reach you! 

Very yummy things,

A.

 

[eileen1111]

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Ariel said:

"Hanging in there" is a valid coping technique and even, at times, an extreme sport. Withdrawal is the X Games!

 

self-soothing has become an endurance sport !!

 

A positive from this experience is I am being forced to recognise my needs, listen to my body, and radically take care of / protect myself in a way I never have before, and which ultimately I believe will serve me very well once I am through this. 

 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Ariel said:

zen monk adrenaline junkie endurance athletes

 

Amazing hahahaha 

 

Thank you for your lovely messages Ariel, they are much appreciated :~) Lots of warm wishes to you 

 

 

[Ariel]

10 minutes ago, eileen1111 said:

self-soothing has become an endurance sport !!

 

YES. It's a marathon and a sprint... underwater! 

 

Btw I love your signature quote. At the end of my suffering, there was a door.  Beautiful. Here's wishing you windows along the way

 

[eileen1111]

 

I think that there is similarity between my withdrawal experience and experiences of HPPD (hallucinogen persisting perception disorder) as both SSRIs and psychedelics such as LSD act serotonergically upon brain chemistry (as my understanding goes). In fact a lot of symptoms of HPPD align with symptoms experienced during SSRI withdrawal, in particular when it comes to visual snow. I was looking at the Perception Restoration Foundation and there it's described as 'a shaking up of the snowglobe of the nervous system's categories of perception due to psychoactive changes'. I think this image of the shaken snow globe is a great one. Recovery is waiting for the snow globe of the brain to settle again. 

[Ariel]

Excellent post, @eileen1111

What a useful analogy, thank you for sharing it. 

 

I had a lot of vision issues a few years ago but they pretty much cleared up. Most importantly I don't notice them anymore. Once in a while there will be a distant hint of a symptom, like a trace almost, and I'll be reminded that it was bad for a while. And I'll think, Huh. Oh yeah, I remember I had that experience. Trippy. And then I'll go back to whatever it is I'm doing. 

 

Lately I am back to wearing sunglasses a lot. I no longer feel stressed by light on a conscious, perceptible level where it's clear to me that brightness is a problem. It's more like I notice a faint stirring of my nervous system, a subtle signal that things could be calmer. When I put dark glasses on it feels soothing and things settle. 

I've gotten spoiled by withdrawal's vocal insistence on what it wants! haha  I didn't have to work for it, withdrawal made sure I'd get the message. Now I must pay attention and lean in close to follow the happenings, can't expect anyone else to make the effort for me. Haha

 

Wishing you peaceful moments <3

 

 

[eileen1111]

On 4/29/2022 at 3:22 PM, Ariel said:

I had a lot of vision issues a few years ago but they pretty much cleared up. Most importantly I don't notice them anymore.

 

It's the vision issues and derealisation which are definitely my most troubling symptoms, because of how much they affect my entire sense of self and safety as I navigate each day...they make me feel like I'm living in a separate reality! I get scared that this is my permanent new state (as we all do in withdrawal weirdness), but then I'm also still experiencing brain zaps so it MUST be withdrawal related. 

 

The vision issues and dr are also so interlinked, from the research I've done, with anxiety and trauma responses. So withdrawal anxiety and trauma (past and present) is also 'feeding' those two symptoms. 

Acceptance is the answer, as you wrote on your fab post about vision issues in Rebeccaann's topic. Am seeing SOME days of slight improvement/progress/better coping. I'm glad to hear whenever vision issues have cleared up for someone !!

 

Best to you Ariel :~) 

 

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

Thinking of you...

How are you going? (No pressure to respond, feel free to ignore as you see fit.)

Sending healing vibes <3

A.

[Ninabird]

@Ariel

 

you are such a positive person. You bring love and light. 

[eileen1111]

hi @Ariel thank you for checking in ❤️ I hope you're okay today. 

 

I thought I'd combine a reply with my 4 month update - 4 months post zero of sertraline, but around 7.5 months since I first got into this mess 😅 

 

The unpredictability of each day is what I'm really struggling with. I will have one good day, followed by 5 bad ones, then 2 okay ones, then 3 terrible ones, and on and on .... I'm feeling the fatigue big-time. 

Symptoms-wise, the one absolutely definite improvement is in my heart rate: it's more stable overall, and isn't racing like crazy as soon as I wake up in the morning anymore. So that's a relief. I AM healing. It's just SO slow and SO non-linear, it's really debilitating. 

 

I have decided that I'm going to take a break from SA until after the summer, when hopefully some more tangible improvement will be evident (once I get past 8 months off). I will keep an eye on this topic but I need to try and distract myself away from withdrawal, and I'm going to just spend as much time as possible outside with my dog and listening to podcasts and radio and stuff, and maybe do some volunteering in the community garden - outdoors stuff! And to keep myself safe and keep my food, water and sleep up. 

 

On twitter I saw something that Laura Delano said at the recent International Institute for Psych Drug Withdrawal Conference: You don't heal to live, you heal by living. 

 

So, another 4 months, and I'll see where I am after that ..... 

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

Thank you for your update. 

Sounds like a good plan to take time away from SA to just be and live. 

I will be thinking of you and holding space. 

Thank you for the Laura Delano quote, well chosen.

Go gently, braveheart, 

A.

 

 

[Ariel]

Thinking of you <3

[eileen1111]

@Ariel I was thinking of you as well!! I hope you're doing okay ❤️ My mood is quite positive today, so I'm enjoying feeling the weight lifted for a tiny bit. 

[Ninabird]

On 5/12/2022 at 8:43 AM, eileen1111 said:

hi @Ariel thank you for checking in ❤️ I hope you're okay today. 

 

I thought I'd combine a reply with my 4 month update - 4 months post zero of sertraline, but around 7.5 months since I first got into this mess 😅 

 

The unpredictability of each day is what I'm really struggling with. I will have one good day, followed by 5 bad ones, then 2 okay ones, then 3 terrible ones, and on and on .... I'm feeling the fatigue big-time. 

Symptoms-wise, the one absolutely definite improvement is in my heart rate: it's more stable overall, and isn't racing like crazy as soon as I wake up in the morning anymore. So that's a relief. I AM healing. It's just SO slow and SO non-linear, it's really debilitating. 

 

I have decided that I'm going to take a break from SA until after the summer, when hopefully some more tangible improvement will be evident (once I get past 8 months off). I will keep an eye on this topic but I need to try and distract myself away from withdrawal, and I'm going to just spend as much time as possible outside with my dog and listening to podcasts and radio and stuff, and maybe do some volunteering in the community garden - outdoors stuff! And to keep myself safe and keep my food, water and sleep up. 

 

On twitter I saw something that Laura Delano said at the recent International Institute for Psych Drug Withdrawal Conference: You don't heal to live, you heal by living. 

 

So, another 4 months, and I'll see where I am after that ..... 

@eileen1111 

I read your post. I think it’s a wonderful thing to take the summer off. Your words touched my heart. The quote about healing by living is so true! Let the living begin! 
You’ll be in my thoughts! Happy Summer!!

 

NB

[eileen1111]

Hi guys ~~ I said I was going to take a break from SA for the summer, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'm too unwell, and there is too little support for people harmed by medication anyway for me to cut out SA from that limited pool of resources. I thought that by giving myself some more distance from the online withdrawal community maybe the symptoms would diminish??? Lmao. 

 

Currently in such a bad wave, and depressed that it's June and I'm still only seeing tiny improvements. And sometimes feels like there's been no improvement (certain things have got worse).

 

Anyway, yeah, I'm just SO tired of this and it's so LONELY. I can't bear the feeling of my life just draining away, my relationships are all suffering. This time last year I was graduating from my university and excited to start my masters. I never could have imagined the dark place I find myself in now. And I don't know how I'm supposed to find the strength to keep going when no-one in my immediate world really even thinks that I'm unwell to such a severe extent. It's devastating. Every day is like the greatest fight of my life, and people around me only see what I'm NOT doing. I want to scream !!!!!!!

 

I have: chronic fatigue to the point where I'm worried I've developed ME (sleep feels non-restorative and I wake up just as exhausted). tingling pains all over my body and muscle pain. dry eyes - twitching and itchiness. visual issues - derealisation/visual snow. head pressure and headaches. shakiness. elevated heart rate in the morning (this went for a couple of weeks but is back now). PSSD. high startle response. light & sound sensitivity. anxiety & a kind of depression which is scary, and stems from how trapped I feel. Clicking sounds in my brain (like popping candy in my brain!?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ninabird]

3 minutes ago, eileen1111 said:

urrently in such a bad wave, and depressed that it's June and I'm still only seeing tiny improvements.

Even though they are small improvements they are still improvements. I know how desperately we all want to heal immediately. That unfortunately is not how our brain works. It’s delicate. It needs time to correct itself. 
Right now try to not fight the symptoms. Flow with them. Invite them in. Sit with them. I know it’s hard. Im going through it myself. The more you fight, the more you look at the calendar, the more difficult this will be. 
Your body IS healing. One step forward, 3 steps back, two steps forward one step back. 
Be kind to yourself. 
sending you good thoughts. 
Ninabird🌺

[Erimus]

Hello @eileen1111. I’m sorry you are suffering so much with nobody around that understands. I completely get it. I’m also deep down the hole of misery sertraline brings some of us.
 

It sounds like you are in a bad wave at the moment. I see you’ve been off for around 5 months. I promise you things get better. I know our situations are different in that I’m still taking it but let me tell you, I am so much better than I was 5-6 months ago. Time is a great healer. 
 

I understand all the pain you feel towards life not moving forward. I’m 21 and had to suspend my degree after completing 2 out of 3 years. I fear I’ll never get back to it, and who I was before this. Unfortunately we don’t think rationally when we are in this state. You have to try and put your life on the side whilst you prioritise your health. Life is long, and education can be completed at any point. There’s no upper age limit.

 

Try to keep your head up and just survive. Thats all I did for months on end. Trust me when I say you don’t have M.E. or any other problems. I’ve been down that hole myself. It’s all the drugs. You will overcome this, I promise.

 

Take care of yourself

[Greatful]

@eileen1111

So sorry you are feeling alone...I go through stages too.. I think it is common for us to feel this way, expercially when the darkness comes in.....This will pass, it always does, the foggy window will come.  Even if it's just a light let up of the symptoms.

Healing is going on every second of everyday.  Do you have anyone around you, friends, family member, it only takes one to lean on...And you can rest assured that we are here for you. We are the only ones truly have any remote idea of how you are feeling🤗

 

Have you look upped Baylissa Frederick's web site https://mccare.org/  she has a lot of helpful information, gentle reminders you can listen to, meditations, to name a couple

 

I am going to send you these quotes. Hopefully they will help you find the encouragement to take it a day at a time.

 

Don't give up on your healing. I know it's difficult to remain hopeful because everyday you struggle with the torture of the intense and bizarre symptoms and it seems as if nothing is changing. So I am here to be the rational, "non-withdrawal" voice in your head and to remind you of the reality : that no matter how long it is taking, this challenge is temporary. One day you will wake up and something will be different. It will be more than a "window", it will be the long-awaited break, the last lap, the finishing line in view.

Then it will be over, and you will be able to navigate your way out from under the rubble, brush yourself off, pick up the pieces and get on with your life.

What awaits you on the other side is worth you holding on for. Nothing in life will ever again faze you. You will have a different perspective on life, and it won't take much to make you feel content. 

 

 

When withdrawal anxiety is high and I am in 'fight' or 'flight'

or 'freeze' mode, it is difficult for me to be grounded and to

maintain perspective. I lose sight of the fact that this

experience is temporary and that it is leading me to my long-

awaited recovery. I am consumed with what is happening

and it can make me seem self-absorbed and uninterested in

my loved ones. This is understandable, as I spend all my time and energy

managing the bizarre symptoms, breathing through the pain,

and holding on for dear life. I miss important moments in

the lives of those around me and I also overlook just how

courageous and persevering I have been and continue to be.

So today, I acknowledge my strength and I accept that while

I may spend much of my time consumed with coping, this

does not mean that I am self-centered or selfish. I am just

hypervigilant in the context of being constantly aware of my

symptoms, and of my environment, always looking for

perceived threats. I know that I will revert to normal when

this is over. am compassionate and gentle with myself, in the

meantime, knowing that no matter how intense and

overwhelming my symptoms are, I will cope well. I trust that

eventually I will begin to notice improvements and when the

timing is right for me, this challenge will end with my

recovery.

 

 

 

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

I'm sorry to hear you're in a bad wave at the moment. Those can be so hard and feel all-encompassing. 

 

21 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

I'm just SO tired of this and it's so LONELY. I can't bear the feeling of my life just draining away, my relationships are all suffering.

 

This is undeniably, without a doubt, hands down, bar none one of the greatest circumstantial challenges in WD. You are very brave. 

I'm glad you've made the constructive choice to log on to SA and post about what you're going through. It's a good sign of your positive, proactive attitude that you're able to reach out for support in this way. You're taking steps to set yourself up for success, and that bodes well for recovery. Even if it doesn't consciously feel like it right now while you're in this wave, healing is happening all the time. 

 

Do you know this essay? I find it helpful to revisit when things get wobbly-wavy and I'm feeling lost in the surf.

What is happening in your brain?

 

21 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

I never could have imagined the dark place I find myself in now. And I don't know how I'm supposed to find the strength to keep going when no-one in my immediate world really even thinks that I'm unwell to such a severe extent. It's devastating. Every day is like the greatest fight of my life, and people around me only see what I'm NOT doing. I want to scream !!!!!!!

 

I am going to let you in on a little secret. You are allowed to not put on a brave face. You are allowed to not keep it together. When it comes to your nearest and dearest, if they don't seem sufficiently impressed with your suffering, I say ham it up. I'm serious. WD can seem invisible to people on the outside. Usually it's just because they're not listening properly or paying enough attention, but it can also be because we ourselves hold back and do not make explicit our requests for support or detail the suffering of our experience. There are all sorts of complex reasons and dynamics at play, I get it. But right now your only job is to do what you have to do to get through this; and if you need more demonstrative outpourings of empathy, sympathy, compassion, understanding, recognition, etc. from the people in your "immediate world", then get it by any means necessary. I'm not telling you to lie, on the contrary. Be brutally honest about your current reality. If you are going through hell make it clear and let them feel some of the heat of those flames! Do not behave yourself. Act as poorly as you feel. If you want to scream, go ahead and scream! They will eventually take notice. A little shock can be good to wake people up out of their complacency and politeness. And as for you, milk your misery for all it's worth and try to enjoy making the people around you uncomfortable. 

 

This is not a blanket recommendation for the entire duration of WD. But there are times when we are in a really bad wave where I feel it is warranted to throw a tantrum or two, if that's truly where our brains are at (and sometimes they really are). It's okay to honor that temporary reality; it's not gonna last, this wave shall pass, and you'll eventually heal more and more to the point where meltdowns are no longer on the menu. For now I'm giving you a free pass. Play things up and put on a performance, be as hyperbolic and dramatic on the outside as you feel on the inside. There's no reason to keep things under wraps. You are welcome to try letting it all hang out and see what happens. If it works maybe you'll feel better for having let off some steam, and maybe someone close to you will get the message that you're having a horrible go of it. If it doesn't feel helpful you need not indulge again. An experiment. 

 

And guess what? It will get better. It does get better. It's been a while since I felt bad enough to earnestly blame abhorrent behavior on WD-related brain injury. I'm starting to get to a well-enough point that I have to take more responsibility for my own actions, which is, frankly, a whole other kind of bummer. So have fun with it and get the most out of your "get out of jail free because i have iatrogenic brain damage*" card while you can!

 

*Btw you don't have brain damage, it's not permanent. I just used to get a real kick out of saying to people, "sorry about that, i have brain damage," because there's just no acceptable retort to that. It's a real ace to have up your sleeve! Kidding not kidding. If you're ever bored or in need of distraction it's a great game -- go out there and misbehave and faux pas up a storm (channel your inner Mr. Bean), and then if/when people react or correct you, tell them you're so sorry, you've got a brain injury. Watch their faces and revel in the hilarity!

 

And please come back and tell me all about it. 

 

Sending you big big HUGS, eileen. You're doing so much excellent hard work, you've got this! 

Hang in there <3

 

 

[Ariel]

23 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

I never could have imagined the dark place I find myself in now. And I don't know how I'm supposed to find the strength to keep going when no-one in my immediate world really even thinks that I'm unwell to such a severe extent. It's devastating. Every day is like the greatest fight of my life, and people around me only see what I'm NOT doing. I want to scream !!!!!!!

 

 

@eileen1111

I'm so sorry that you're not feeling supported. That is a very hard thing. 

 

I did not mean to imply in my previous post that the onus is on you to get people around you to pay attention. Of course that is not the case, and I'm sorry if it came across that way in what I wrote. Your responsibility is to yourself first and foremost, and if it feels distressing to be around people who are not sufficiently validating or supportive, do what you can to help yourself. 

 

It is a hard thing that while we are going through WD and what you so accurately describe as feeling like every day is the greatest fight of our lives, we may look healthy on the outside. People may not register any difference. That can feel maddening and so frustrating. And it's always tricky when it feels like the burden of explanation is on the ill person. Unfortunately it's my impression that this is often the case, no matter what the sickness is, because most of us in our culture grow up with so much discomfort and denial of illness and death and how to behave in uncomfortable situations. Many of us learn to stick our heads in the sand or make light of things in some version of toxic positivity. 

 

I'm wondering whether you are familiar with this thread, Helping family understand. If nothing else it goes to show that you are not alone in feeling alone and feeling like it is difficult to get through to family and friends about the situation. 

 

Do you think your family, friends, closest people would be willing to watch a video to learn more about ADWD?

Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

 

There are also a couple of posts which may be helpful, where members have shared letters/info that they've given to their inner circle as a means to convey what they are experiencing and request support. 

 

 

Ultimately we cannot force someone else to understand, and it can be a very lonely experience indeed when we are not met with the validation and acceptance and care that we need. We can make efforts to communicate as best we can, while also conserving our own precious energy for the task at hand. Put yourself first. 

 

From what you have written about previously I know you're doing a really good job of adopting non-drug coping techniques and developing your life skills toolkit. This will serve you well not only now but for the rest of your life, long after you've recovered. Keep investing your considerable intelligence and compassion into your own healing and practicing patience. You are managing moment to moment and getting through this day by day. Very good work!

 

I hope that things will improve with the people around you and it will be possible to forge more of a supportive connection.

At the same time I do not for a second doubt that you possess the courage and strength required to fight this fight. You're already doing it and doing it well. Your friends and family would be wise to learn from your example! 

 

Remember two things: It gets better + We are here for you. <3

 

Edited June 7, 2022 by Ariel