eileen1111: sertraline cold turkey recovery

[eileen1111]

Thank you so much everyone for the amazing replies !! I'm drawing strength from them ❤️ 

 

@Ninabird I do need to let go of time frames. I think this is a key thing to accepting the situation. As long as we try and guess how long we will be 'in' this for, we are probably adding to the fight-or-flight response surrounding how traumatic withdrawal/long term illness can be. But at the same time it feels like the instinctive thing is to try and put down milestones to limp towards... 

In some ways things get tougher the further along you get, because our ableist society does not have the patience required for the kind of complex healing this recovery involves. Patience is key 🔑 

[eileen1111]

@Erimus I was 22 when this started, 23 now, and I sometimes worry that I'll be 25 before this is over and will have spent my early twenties in drug withdrawal... !! but so be it. You're right, we can always go back to education. recovery is worth waiting for. 

 

Something I try to think about and draw comfort from is the fact that if this didn't happen to me now, it would have done eventually - maybe 5 or 10 years down the line when I had even more responsibilities, more to lose. As soon as I was prescribed SSRIs, this withdrawal became something inevitable on my horizon.... 💔

 

I'm really glad to hear you're doing better than 5/6 months ago. If I think back to the first month, I realise that I'm a lot better than that as well. 

 

Btw, if you're in the UK, we have a really good support group which meets every week online, with people at various stages of tapering / WD, it's a great gang !! I'd be able to send you the link.

[Erimus]

I have the same thoughts as you many days @eileen1111. I think to myself how old am I going to be when I’m drug free and/or feeling good. I’m 22 next month and I’ve been in this strange SSRI-world for 20 months now. 
 

That’s such a good point you make about this happening eventually. There’s no point in punishing ourselves for taking the medication. At least once we have overcome this we don’t have to go through it again. I feel the same way, if not October 2020 I would’ve ended up on them further down the road.

 

I’d love to join the UK group. The worst thing about this illness is the fact that it’s invisible and people don’t see/feel or understand how bad it is, doctors included. I find myself reading your posts and agreeing with everything you say, you’re much better at conveying how it feels in words than I am haha!

[Ariel]

3 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

I was 22 when this started, 23 now, and I sometimes worry that I'll be 25 before this is over and will have spent my early twenties in drug withdrawal... !! but so be it. You're right, we can always go back to education. recovery is worth waiting for. 

 

Something I try to think about and draw comfort from is the fact that if this didn't happen to me now, it would have done eventually - maybe 5 or 10 years down the line when I had even more responsibilities, more to lose. As soon as I was prescribed SSRIs, this withdrawal became something inevitable on my horizon.... 💔

 

4 minutes ago, Erimus said:

I think to myself how old am I going to be when I’m drug free and/or feeling good. I’m 22 next month and I’ve been in this strange SSRI-world for 20 months now. 
 

That’s such a good point you make about this happening eventually. There’s no point in punishing ourselves for taking the medication. At least once we have overcome this we don’t have to go through it again. I feel the same way, if not October 2020 I would’ve ended up on them further down the road.

 

@eileen1111 @Erimus

 

From the perspective of someone soon to turn 43, it's awesome that you're getting this bit out of the way at your tender age. Your bodies and brains are young, you will heal very well and come out of this stronger, wiser, and with your lives ahead of you. Moreover, you will have learned so many useful transferrable skills that you can apply to every area of your lives moving forward, you will probably have a significant life experience and maturity advantage over your peers. Obviously I wish that none of us ever had to go through this in the first place, but if one must, given the choice of when I'd much rather have gotten it over with in my early 20s than later in mid-life. 

 

I realize it may not feel like this right now, but you're both doing great work, and you will reap the rewards of your efforts. You will get through this and things will be better than you can currently imagine. You will go on to build beautiful, full, vibrant lives for yourselves. 

 

Love,

A.  

[eileen1111]

@Ariel Thank you dear Ariel !!! When I see you active on the forum I always think of Ariel from 'The Tempest' flying to the rescue with your special powers hahaha

 

On 6/7/2022 at 2:50 PM, Ariel said:

You are allowed to not put on a brave face. You are allowed to not keep it together.

 

I am wary of 'burning out' my support system or inducing compassion fatigue in my family. But at the same time, I NEED them so much right now, and if the roles were reversed, I would want them to be completely honest with me so that I knew how to be there for them... 

I also have a tendency to 'people-please', especially when feeling vulnerable, and there's this fear that unless I am being 'easy' and nice they'll all abandon me 😅 Definitely some underlying attachment issues which are being exacerbated by WD

 

I get what you're saying about the 'free pass' thing - there's a kind of all-bets-are-off mindset, in that, things couldn't really get much worse so I might as well try anything and do whatever it takes 

 

On 6/7/2022 at 3:37 PM, Ariel said:

And it's always tricky when it feels like the burden of explanation is on the ill person.

 

It seems in this world that it is always the people to whom misfortune has fallen who end up having to do the emotional labour of explaining and teaching as well as suffering through the original misfortune..... (*sighs*)

 

Thank you for your enduring optimism and insight xx

[Greatful]

@eileen1111 Reaching out to see how you are doing?  

I know the days can get long- so a friendly hi❤️ and a hug🤗 hang in there.

 

[eileen1111]

@Greatful hi ! thank you for your message and support. I just hit 5 months post zero. things are still really bad, but yes, occasional moments of relief. struggling onwards. I'm thinking of maybe trying a GABA supplement (even though there's debate about whether they cross the blood brain barrier). Hope you're having an okay day xx

[eileen1111]

A POSITIVE UPDATE

healing IS happening

yesterday I had a good day even by pre-withdrawal standards ! I spent time with my brother, his girlfriend, and some other extended family. we were playing cards and ordered takeaway. I felt engaged and connected and present, almost like my old self. all symptoms felt lessened in intensity.  

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

Beautiful update, thank you for sharing!

Delighted for you <3

 

[Roserdl]

6 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

A POSITIVE UPDATE

healing IS happening

yesterday I had a good day even by pre-withdrawal standards ! I spent time with my brother, his girlfriend, and some other extended family. we were playing cards and ordered takeaway. I felt engaged and connected and present, almost like my old self. all symptoms felt lessened in intensity.  

That's inspiring!   You earned it!

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 I very pleased to read that you are healing. It sounds like you had a great time with your brother and others. I hope each day continues to get better and better for you.

[eileen1111]

@Roserdl 

@RachelSusan

Thank you both ❤️ As fellow zoloft/sertraline sufferers.... we WILL win this battle !!

[peaceandlove]

Hey! How are you feeling? I’m my 20’s as well.. mid 20’s & I relate to everything you said in this post & have pretty much all the same symptoms. My situation is a little different however I had an reaction to just one pill & it’s been 2 months so far. This is very hard. I too had to stop working & stop going to school as well. My life was just coming together then quarantine happened & now this. I’m so tired of always being in the house lol It feels like quarantine all over again but even worse since I’m the only one going through it. I miss my friends so much but I just don’t always have the energy to see them especially when my symptoms are unpredictable so it’s hard to make plans which you just don’t know if it’ll be a good day or a bad one. Doctors really have no knowledge of what’s going on, they are clueless when it comes to the nervous system/drug withdrawal/side effects. It’s 2022 not 1985 you think they would be more knowledgeable, I mean I taught MYSELF what’s going on from YouTube, google & talking to others it’s not that hard to learn smh. If it wasn’t for the forums & YouTube I’d probably believe i was going crazy. I will be following your journey & here whenever you wanna talk 🙂 

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

Thinking of you <3

[eileen1111]

On 6/29/2022 at 10:30 PM, peaceandlove said:

It’s 2022 not 1985 you think they would be more knowledgeable, I mean I taught MYSELF what’s going on

 

THIS!!! I don't feel qualified enough to be what is essentially my own specialist at this point. But if I can grasp what's happening, as someone who has barely any scientific knowledge apart from a biology A level, why is it so hard for healthcare professionals to understand ?? 

 

 

 

 

 

[peaceandlove]

On 7/2/2022 at 7:06 AM, eileen1111 said:

 

THIS!!! I don't feel qualified enough to be what is essentially my own specialist at this point. But if I can grasp what's happening, as someone who has barely any scientific knowledge apart from a biology A level, why is it so hard for healthcare professionals to understand ?? 

 

 

 

 

 

yup exactly. & I don’t really like to talk about it much to anyone because no one understands. Only people who can relate is other people going / went through withdrawal. Hope your doing good 💕

[Blossom71]

On 6/7/2022 at 4:31 PM, eileen1111 said:

Btw, if you're in the UK, we have a really good support group which meets every week online, with people at various stages of tapering / WD, it's a great gang !! I'd be able to send you the link.

I'd be interested in this @eileen1111!

[eileen1111]

@Blossom71 absolutely, I'll message you !  

[eileen1111]

6 months post zero 

 

So I've made it to 6 months free from SSRIs.... It has been GRUELLING. I'm still struggling a lot with my neuro-sensitised system, in particular with the head and vision symptoms: chronic daily headache and frequent migraine, head pressure, visual snow, light sensitivity, some derealisation. I also have numbness in my face and a crawling feeling in my face most days. I also have twitches, random sharp stabs of pin-prick like pain (nerves???), and frequent 'clicks' in my brain that feel like a 'tut'? I think these are brain zaps because I never had them before WD

 

Something I have definitely noticed now is that the intensity of symptoms is HUGELY dependent on my hormones, and when progesterone is dropping in the week before my period I get thrown into a wave which will last for about 2-3 weeks, before I get maybe a week of feeling a bit better as my progesterone levels rise, before it all starting again. There is more of a pattern now than in the first 4/5 months post zero. I looked into it more, because this seems to be a common occurrence for people in psych med withdrawal - that symptoms get affected by menstrual cycle. I never realised that progesterone is actually neuroprotective as a neurosteroid, and it helps to regulate neurotransmission - by alleviating excitotoxicity, blocking voltage-gated calcium channels and upregulating the GABA-A receptor (thanks Wikipedia and the benzo WD community for this info). Anyway I'm really interested in this, if anyone knows more please comment. It seems like progesterone actually acts similarly to anticonvulsant drugs. Kind of fascinating, I just wish I didn't get plunged into a PMS from HELL once the progesterone starts dropping, I get so depressed it feels like a weight is crushing me. I've never previously struggled much with PMS symptoms/bad periods but because of my sensitisation I guess the hormone changes just affect me 10000% more now. 

 

Anyway, my days are a bit easier than the first 5 months, probably because the weather is better as well. But I really cannot cope with much at all. I got so upset and anxious the other day when my mum's priest asked me how I was, that i couldn't stop myself from crying in public, and couldn't speak, honestly I just went non-verbal from distress. And I used to work 10 hour shifts in a busy London pub!!!! 

 

I'm looking into maybe hyperbaric oxygen therapy for my chronic headaches, and getting light sensitivity glasses instead of just the 'fashion' sunglasses I wear all the time. I'm also starting some CBT therapy but I honestly don't know how helpful it will be while I still feel so debilitated most of the time. Maybe it will help with acceptance etc

 

My GP wants me to reduce my amitriptyline down to 10mg over the next 6 weeks and then introduce a low dose of topiramate/topamax but I'm not sure about this, because it's not just a headache condition that I have...... but it's all so complicated I'm getting too confused about what's what 

 

 

[Sophdamom]

hello E 💕 ! 
 

So wonderful  to hear your update.
Have you ever looked into getting progesterone cream ? It’s essentially derived from  a yam ( potato ) and available on amazon . If you keep track of your cycle you can help it by rubbing progesterone on wrists or belly everyday for a kick before your moon time. 
I agree with your excitement in learning about hormones and how our bodies work. Knowledge is power ! 
 

also CBT was helping for me to not go into the deep end when anxiety was present and learn coping mechanisms . But this was years ago way before anything WD RELATED . on Monday I’m going to try hypnotherapy. I’ve heard it can be helpful during withdrawals . Anything is worth a try really ! 

[sufferingpassenger]

@eileen1111 great 6 months update. I am glad you can see progress ... I am based in the UK and will be keen to join the group to share experiences!

[Ariel]

@eileen1111

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes <3

[eileen1111]

hi everyone! thought I'd update at 7 months post zero, but in september it'll be a year since this all 'started'. 

 

things are actually so, so much better. not 'great' by any stretch of the imagination - my nervous system is still trying to recover from the shock these neurotoxic drugs gave it, I'm pretty isolated sad and tired. but in the past couple of weeks I have felt a significant improvement in my functioning. I've been to the beach with a friend and been swimming 5 days in a row. When I was lying on the beach letting the sun completely relax me I realised that in that moment I felt glad, even happy. I went to a cafe with my dog and sat outside chatting to a couple of people and didn't feel like I was going to have a panic attack. In the mornings I no longer have the deep dread of the day in front of me. I eat well and healthily but also have ice cream etc. I sit outside and read books or the paper. I've been going to a support group at a local wellbeing centre and the woman who runs it is very nourishing and inspiring to be around. I have a little daily routine of making sure I look after myself, get dressed, put the radio on, wash up, walk the dog, stretch on my yoga mat. I am learning to repeat the message that THIS IS NOT MY FAULT !! I have had an accident, and I'm recovering, and it is going to take time.

 

I think it will take me 18 months + to recover completely, and I don't think I'll be the same person on the other side, but that's okay. I feel I'm reaching a level of 'bearable' where I can tentatively have a bit of a life again and that is amazing. In January of this year I truly thought it was the end for me. There were days that i couldn't stop pacing because of the chemical anxiety and burning feelings. I've still not had any points of being completely symptom free, but compared to where i was i now feel like every good moment is a gift. 

 

 

symptoms remaining: visual snow and light sensitivity (slightly reduced), derealisation (hugely reduced), numbness and crawling feelings in face, twitches in eyes and face (less frequent), brain 'clicks'/zaps, fatigue, depression/anxiety (reducing the more I am able to do things), sometimes neuropathic tingling pains, head pressure/headaches are still quite prevalent, some OCD thinking e.g. spelling words over and over, ear worms etc, low stress tolerance and low confidence

[Erimus]

Keep up the good work @eileen1111. You’ll get there in the end, I’m sure of it. It’s just a game of patience to outlast the withdrawal symptoms. The more you’re able to do the less you think about it; recovery is like an exponential curve once you start feeling a bit better.

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 Thank you for the update.  You are on the road to recovery. The hardest part is behind you. I'm sorry you still have some symptoms but with time they should all go away.

[eileen1111]

@Erimus @RachelSusan thanks both! It’s just a waiting game really, and doing the best we can within the limitations. I realised that I deserve the time it takes to recover, no matter how long. Onwards & upwards....😅

[BigDave]

Hi @eileen1111. Great update. Sorry to hear you're still having symptoms but you can see how much you've improved. It will just take time. 

 

On 8/13/2022 at 10:57 AM, eileen1111 said:

There were days that i couldn't stop pacing

 

Oh yes, been there. I still have some pacing times when I'm anxious but the difference between the first few months and now is vast.

 

Time is a healer. 😊

 

[eileen1111]

@BigDave hey, thanks for dropping by! you're right, things are much better than the first few months. looking back to those months now is humbling for sure.

I'm glad things are continuing to look up for you, slowly but surely

[eileen1111]

@Sophdamom I just realised I never replied to your lovely post on here! Thank you so much for the encouragement. I hope your hypnotherapy went well? I'd be interested to know more about your experience of this kind of therapy, I've always been curious about it

[eileen1111]

HELLO WAVE  

uptick in all the head symptoms, the pins and needle prickles, morning anxiety etc - nervous system just feels crackly/sparkly/very unhappy 

 

But at least I did have around a 10 day window. I've been reading @KenA's success story about how more sustained windows started appearing after 10 months. I think that's a realistic thing to hope for, and that at least by 1 year I'll be having clearer window and wave patterns.... they are a bit blurred together right now

 

It is so hard accepting that this is how I experience life now, through this dysregulated mess of a nervous system. But we just have to endure 💔 And not give up the faith in healing. 

 

A side note: I really want to apply for a part time job that has opened up and which I think I would JUST about be capable of. In my windows I think I could handle it, in my waves - like now - I get filled with anxiety thinking about it. It will take a huge amount of effort and grim determination to go for it, knowing that every shift would be a real challenge, but if I could keep it going I think that future me maybe a year from now would thank me for it so much. I also think that it would help with my depression, give me more structure and purpose. And some money (much needed....)!

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 I wanted to wish you good luck should you decide to apply for the job. It's very hard to do something that causes us anxiety, but if you can see a way to work with your anxiety and still go for it I think it would it's a great idea.

[eileen1111]

@RachelSusan Thank you so much ❤️ It's the kind of job which wouldn't have caused me anxiety if it wasn't for the withdrawal symptoms. But I think even the fact that I'm going to try and go for it is a positive sign that I'm accepting my situation and deciding not to let the symptoms overtake everything and just keep me stagnant in life. Even if it is extremely hard, I feel like ultimately having a part time job would help me in the long term, to distract me from symptoms, give me a sense of achievement when I limp through the shifts, and then on days off give me completely guilt-free bed days....!!

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 I applaud you. I know this is very hard.  I am impressed.

[Erimus]

You’ll know when you’re ready to jump back into life a little bit @eileen1111. I think there comes a point in withdrawal where sitting around actually starts to become detrimental to healing. It’s a fine margin but sometimes I think to myself, I’m going to feel terrible regardless of what I’m doing.

 

I find withdrawal is much easier to tolerate in summer.

[eileen1111]

@Erimus spot on with this - i can either feel terrible just trying to fill the endless days and worrying about my life and health going down the drain, ruminating, very isolated from the world etc... or i can feel terrible while at work shifts but at least i’m doing something and am distracted.

 

it’s completely individual of course and depends on type, pattern and severity of symptoms , as well as life circumstances ! no withdrawal experience is the same !

 

 

How are you doing? How are you feeling after getting covid?

[KenA]

On 8/19/2022 at 9:20 AM, eileen1111 said:

HELLO WAVE  

uptick in all the head symptoms, the pins and needle prickles, morning anxiety etc - nervous system just feels crackly/sparkly/very unhappy 

 

But at least I did have around a 10 day window. I've been reading @KenA's success story about how more sustained windows started appearing after 10 months. I think that's a realistic thing to hope for, and that at least by 1 year I'll be having clearer window and wave patterns.... they are a bit blurred together right now

 

It is so hard accepting that this is how I experience life now, through this dysregulated mess of a nervous system. But we just have to endure 💔 And not give up the faith in healing. 

 

A side note: I really want to apply for a part time job that has opened up and which I think I would JUST about be capable of. In my windows I think I could handle it, in my waves - like now - I get filled with anxiety thinking about it. It will take a huge amount of effort and grim determination to go for it, knowing that every shift would be a real challenge, but if I could keep it going I think that future me maybe a year from now would thank me for it so much. I also think that it would help with my depression, give me more structure and purpose. And some money (much needed....)!

@eileen1111 Glad to hear that my success story has helped you to find some peace and reassure that you are going to get better!! No matter how long it takes, just keep reminding yourself that you are healing each and every day!! Just keep on going and going until you reach the finish line!! You've got this!! 

 

Ken