eileen1111: sertraline cold turkey recovery

[eileen1111]

11 month update !!

baseline is improved. moments of relief are more frequent. my feelings of hope for eventual full healing are stronger. 

 

I got rid of the main stressor which was affecting my sleep, so now the insomnia has eased, i'm so grateful. I find that some days i can wake up with very minimal cortisol heart-racing symptoms and feel almost normal at points. I also get a bit more enjoyment out of things at the moment, like reading and watching tv. especially walking. now that some of my light sensitivity and vision issues have decreased, i'm finding myself staring around in wonder and awe when i go on a walk in the woods, it's like my soul is trying to soak up all the beauty that i've felt so disconnected/shut out from for so long. 

 

so to summarise, all symptoms are still present, but at a reduced intensity for the most part, unless I'm triggered/stressed. 

hoping i can get through a busy christmas / new year period without any big setbacks and that 2023 will see real healing for me. 

hang in there everyone  ❤️ 

[Erimus]

You’re doing great Eileen. Christmas is hard when you’re like this but it’s not forever. Once you hit that 12 month mark things will only get better.

[eileen1111]

thanks @Erimus !!! I appreciate the support so much. I hope you're doing okay today x

[Erimus]

You’re welcome. I hate the cold so I’m not enjoying the current weather haha. Roll on summer again.

[eileen1111]

I've caught Covid from a family member who went into London, so I'm feeling a bit set back now. body aches, cough, sore throat, going hot and cold, increased fatigue and increase in all my other symptoms. including in particular a very very noticeable increase in the odd crackling / clicking / popping sensations that I get in my head. They're really bizarre, and I wish I knew what they were, because they're not brain zaps in the way I've read about brain zaps being described. but maybe they're my nervous system's version of brain zaps. and i suppose the extra stress on my nervous system from Covid is causing inflammation and increased electrical activity, which is why i'm experiencing an increase in these horrible sensations. but who knows.

 

i have real health anxiety from going through all of this and keep worrying about long covid, seizures, blood clots, etc etc, which i think is the 'obsessive thinking' part of withdrawal coming through. before experiencing such horrific harm from medications i wouldn't have worried like this.

 

It's also a generally very stressful time in my family as we're selling up my 'childhood home' at the same time as approaching a busy Christmas with lots of people staying. I really really really want this year to just be over. 

 

Distractions are: snowy winter walks with my dog, lighting the fire, making food, watching tv like the Strictly final which is on tonight, baths and self care

[Erimus]

I can relate to the catastrophising over normal illness since withdrawal. When I had covid the first 1-2 days were the worst in terms of increased WD symptoms, then it was just normal viral infection symptoms. You’ll be back to WD normal in 1-2 weeks. 
 

Don’t worry about overthinking, it’s just the way your brain is behaving given the chemical changes medication has caused. Take vitamin C if you don’t already, your body burns through it when stressed and with viruses.

[MothGarden]

I also get the brain clicking sensation. I’ve never had brain zaps in the way people have described them. Just a clicking/popping and twinges of pain.

[eileen1111]

Thanks @Erimus, yeah I've been taking lots of vitamin C - supplements and just eating a lot of oranges/satsumas. I don't think I have it too badly, thankfully, and will be mostly over it by the end of the week. 

 

@MothGarden I appreciate you saying so, it makes me feel less freaked out. there's no one else except for DaBro on here who I've seen describe these sensations !!

[eileen1111]

Exactly one year since I created this thread!! Wow. What a bizarre and tumultuous and difficult year. Today I went on a very long walk in the woods. I feel a lot better than I did this time last year, when I was in the grip of serotonin syndrome caused by a reinstatement attempt, and I was using benzos, alcohol & cigarettes to get through each day. I remember a particularly low point - on valium while at work, I forgot where my flat was, and was wandering around the streets of NE London crying and trying to remember where I lived. What a mess everything was. I remember thinking there was truly no way out from this: being on the drugs was killing me, but getting off them wouldn't bring relief either, the damage had been done. No one should ever have to experience something like that. I am so relieved that I have been free of those pills for over 11 months. There is still a long way to go, but I have to believe that by this time NEXT year I will be feeling much more recovered and positive and proud. Maybe even on the other side. 

[eileen1111]

Feeling relieved that the last of the guests my family had staying for Christmas have gone home this morning. It has been an overstimulating and emotional few days, as I knew it would be. I felt very hungover and fatigued and twitchy the entire time. However, I still managed to have some nice moments with my cousin/brothers. I spent all of Christmas day morning helping with the food and listening to Christmas music I felt quite cheerful. I even joined in with some of the games like charades which we played at dinner times. I had to retreat to my room a lot and couldn't 'properly' join in but I really really did my best. It was much better than last Christmas, and I am hopeful and curious about where and how I might be doing next Christmas. Things are going to get better !!!!

[eileen1111]

12 month update  - between months 10 and 12 i've seen the biggest improvement. I had an induction day for a new volunteering position a couple of days ago and things went fine, i'm even looking forward to it. planning to get back into regular yoga classes and more exercise in general. i don't dread waking up anymore. yes the days are still a challenge but they contain enough hope and relief now that i believe i will definitely heal completely in time. keep going everyone ❤️ 

[BigDave]

Fantastic update @eileen1111!

 

Hopefully this year will be much better for you. 😊

[eileen1111]

Thanks @BigDave !! I'm still very fragile and there's some way to go, but I believe this year will see me to a really good place in my recovery. 

[eileen1111]

despite getting a good sleep last night and a lovely sunny beach walk this morning, I'm struggling a lot today with head pressure & fullness, clicks/popping sensations, some dizzines/crackling/tinnitus. feeling as if i'm 'underwater' somehow. & so so tired. this healing process is just torturously slow. feeling so drained & Afraid. I'm going to have to back off from some of the things I was trying to re-introduce to my life (in order to have some more structure and purpose etc) because I simply cannot cope. 

moment of self pity: sometimes it takes my breath away, how long i have been suffering. it is pure cruelty to go through this experience. i cannot imagine just existing lightly in the world again

 

[mona211]

I’ve been following along with your story. You’re really giving me hope. Some days may seem harder than others. Some days all we can do in withdrawal is hold on . 
You’re definitely having better days and soon they will get easier. 
Hang in there even if it feels like you’re just trying to survive. 

[Erimus]

When you take a seemingly sudden downturn in how you feel it’s normally a sign of a big adjustment. Some days I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, but I get up and push through and it usually improves a little.
 

After the first year things can only go up, keep the faith !

Edited February 6, 2023 by Erimus

[BigDave]

On 2/6/2023 at 5:37 PM, eileen1111 said:

this healing process is just torturously slow

 

This is so true @eileen1111. It's the reason why I haven't updated my own topic in such a long time. I just didn't have enough to comment on. It takes time but you will improve. I'm almost 18 months post CT and I'll do a bit of an update soon. Suffice to say I'm definitely in a better place than 6 months ago but some things are still annoying me. 

 

Take your own time when introducing new stuff. Do what feels right at the time. Structure/purpose was a good thing for me. Just don't feel that you must do it right now.

 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.😊

 

 

[eileen1111]

thank you so much you guys who replied with supportive comments ❤️ 

 

@mona211 i'm glad my story seems like a hopeful one haha, sometimes it doesn't feel that way while living within it. i hope things are going okay with you ☀️

 

@Erimus yeah that hit by a bus feeling, ooft. ik exactly what you mean. like a hangover + flu combo.... 🤢

you're right it's all just part of the readjustment process. the brain & nervous system are doing what they're supposed to do in order to get back to homeostasis, unfortunately that experience is an uncomfortable one for the human !!! 😅 How are you doing at the moment? 

 

@BigDave thanks so much - I'm looking forward to your update! looking back i can see that healing seems to happen in 6 month chunks. today i drove somewhere for a nice walk and am making lunch feeling quite positive, despite the symptoms. this time last year i couldn't even drive !!! we'll all heal eventually. all my good thoughts to you 

[Erimus]

It’s a hangover minus the dopamine fun the night before.. haha. I yearn for the days I could stay out all night and roll into work the next morning. Oh to be young, he says at 22. Managing the frustration is the hardest part when you’re young, I think.
 

I’m going to post an update tomorrow. I’m eager for summer and hopefully the beginning of the end to this. Stay strong !

Edited February 9, 2023 by Erimus

[eileen1111]

@Erimus yeah i’m also looking forward to summer. sunny days are always good for the soul ☀️

 

omg i turned 24 recently, i was 22 when i cold turkeyed.... have accepted that my 20s are going to be much slower paced than for the majority of people our age. i don’t see myself ever being able to ‘party’ again lol ... but i feel like i’ve seen behind the veil of life & all of that seems so silly now

[Erimus]

Yeah "normal" life all seems a bit shallow after you've been through something like this. I'd still live that life instead of this one though, blissfully ignorant of anything to do with psychiatric drugs.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Erimus

[eileen1111]

Doing my 13-month update a couple of days early bc I'm thinking about it this morning: 

 

What has definitely improved? 

• morning cortisol awakening - most mornings I now wake up without my heart racing; I don't absolutely dread waking up anymore.
• derealisation and depersonalisation - so relieved that this is better. I no longer feel like i'm living in a warped alternate reality/acid trip. there is definitely some lingering stuff though
• numbness in the right side of my face - I used to get this every evening without fail. 

& quite a few other physical symptoms are less intense or less frequent !

 

 

What do I still struggle with?

• daily headache and head pressure
• fatigue
• easily and quickly overstimulated - very sensitive to stress in any form
• vision: light sensitivity, some visual snow and sparkling in the sky (this has improved though)
• some derealisation (linked to the vision symptoms)
• brain clicking/popping sensations 
• anxiety & depression (situational - who wouldn't be depressed and anxious if they were dealing with this?)
• earworms and some mental OCD
• if I overdo it: numbness and twitching in my face, flashes of tinnitus, insomnia, feel hungover, some prickly pins & needles

 

I'm trying lots of different things to figure out a routine that I am able to keep to and which provides distraction but doesn't worsen symptoms (gentle yoga classes, some volunteering, light online freelance work, dog walking, practicing driving again, helping my family with household renovations etc). It's hard to find the balance and toe that fragile line. On the days that I misjudge and don't 'pace' properly, I often experience an uptick in symptoms. Usually, this takes the form of insomnia and an extremely 'hungover' feeling. It's very frustrating that I'm not free to move around the world the way I want to or to pursue my career or studies or anything. I'm in 'The Waiting Room'. And I have to just accept that, stay hopeful, grateful and proud of how well I've done to get this far, while enjoying what I can of life. 

 

I'm looking forward to the end of this long winter, so I can spend more time outside in the garden reading, walking, gardening, painting, doing yoga, or just sitting still and Being ☀️

 

I don't think I'm going to update again until 18 months off so I can see a clearer picture of my healing progression. Wishing peaceful moments for everyone on here ❤️

[Kuda1988]

Hi, I found your story by searching “ brain popping / clicking sensations “ because I have this and was curious if anyone else did .

we have extremely similar symptoms profile. My main symptoms are basically sensitivity ( sound / stress/ chemical / light/ emotion/ exercise ) Akathisia , insomnia , brain clicking , headaches , etc

.I will be keeping up with this thread .

the brain popping / clicking seems to be at night at certain times . I think it’s a reaction to endogenous melatonin production , I think at its most severe it was severe jolting / shocks, now it’s just cracking / popping . 
I’ve struggled for a decade with different symptoms , never understood what was causing the problem  unfortunately till recently . I’m only 2 months off everything now , unmotivating to see you and others with similar symptoms profile struggling still a year out .

 

[eileen1111]

@Kuda1988

it takes a lot of motivation and hard work and self belief and courage to survive even a day of this! 
 

i’m much better than i was at 2 months out.

 

i’ve hypothesised that the brain sensations are abnormal neuron activity, caused by the imbalances the drugs create, bc they’re worse for me when i feel stressed or tired or when i had Covid - aka when my cns is under more strain

[eileen1111]

i am now 430 days drug free   

(drug free apart from 10mg amitriptyline, the occasional ibuprofen or antihistamine. i’ve also taken propranolol 10mg a couple of times but i haven’t had to take that for over a month. i take melatonin at night quite frequently but not every night)

 

and it’s only as i begin to see some actual tangible evidence of my nervous system slowly healing and growing more resilient, that i can truly understand the extent and seriousness of the injury these drugs caused. they absolutely shredded my nervous system!!!! it should be a crime to prescribe them so casually to young, vulnerable people, and leave them on them for years, with no proper guidance on how to get off safely.

 

recently i've injured my knee with a nasty trip down the stairs, and this will require physio and disciplined strengthening exercises and lots of time and care to heal. i’m pretty gutted about this and have been quite tearful and full of fear and health anxiety. i'm also having some irregularities in my monthly cycle and think maybe i should get my hormone balance checked. i feel extremely fragile, like anything could topple me at any moment! things are a real struggle every day, and i don't have much motivation right now. I am sooooo battle-weary. i can't help but feel bitter sometimes: so far i've lost my twenties to a pandemic and now a long PAWS or whatever this is. there are days where i can't bring myself to do anything but watch tv all day and pray for the day to be over soon.

 

despite everything, i still try extremely hard to engage in family life and the local community to the extent that i can, instead of giving in to the depression that lurks ever-threateningly in the background. 

I am a survivor. I try to see the Beauty that exists in the world no matter what my personal circumstances are. I observe and marvel at the fact that I exist as consciousness in a way that goes beyond injuries and human challenges and my basic core existence is a Good thing, and something which was never guaranteed. (spirituality can be really anchoring)

 

I just have to keep. going. day after day. and hope i am washed up eventually onto a happier shore. 

[mona211]

Hello Eileen, I know exactly how you are feeling . I thought my waves are supposed to get easier but this past one has been really hard for me. I’m back into feeling the derealization cloudy head feeling . But I think back to the days that where much harder and think that I’ll have good days soon .  I’m reading some good books to help me in the mean time. I also scheduled an appointment with Baylissa Fredrick and watch her videos here and there when I’m feeling hopeless . We can get through this and we are survivors. Take it day by day , find joys in the little things, even if it feels hard. 
I’ve recently gotten into the book series 
A court of thorns and roses, check it out. 
https://vimeo.com/84208592

[18yoldoffZoloft]

6 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

i am now 430 days drug free   

(drug free apart from 10mg amitriptyline, the occasional ibuprofen or antihistamine. i’ve also taken propranolol 10mg a couple of times but i haven’t had to take that for over a month. i take melatonin at night quite frequently but not every night)

 

and it’s only as i begin to see some actual tangible evidence of my nervous system slowly healing and growing more resilient, that i can truly understand the extent and seriousness of the injury these drugs caused. they absolutely shredded my nervous system!!!! it should be a crime to prescribe them so casually to young, vulnerable people, and leave them on them for years, with no proper guidance on how to get off safely.

 

recently i've injured my knee with a nasty trip down the stairs, and this will require physio and disciplined strengthening exercises and lots of time and care to heal. i’m pretty gutted about this and have been quite tearful and full of fear and health anxiety. i'm also having some irregularities in my monthly cycle and think maybe i should get my hormone balance checked. i feel extremely fragile, like anything could topple me at any moment! things are a real struggle every day, and i don't have much motivation right now. I am sooooo battle-weary. i can't help but feel bitter sometimes: so far i've lost my twenties to a pandemic and now a long PAWS or whatever this is. there are days where i can't bring myself to do anything but watch tv all day and pray for the day to be over soon.

 

despite everything, i still try extremely hard to engage in family life and the local community to the extent that i can, instead of giving in to the depression that lurks ever-threateningly in the background. 

I am a survivor. I try to see the Beauty that exists in the world no matter what my personal circumstances are. I observe and marvel at the fact that I exist as consciousness in a way that goes beyond injuries and human challenges and my basic core existence is a Good thing, and something which was never guaranteed. (spirituality can be really anchoring)

 

I just have to keep. going. day after day. and hope i am washed up eventually onto a happier shore. 

hi eileen!! I have been looking through your thread of posts for the past hour just trying to find any bit of encouragement to get out of bed today. you are so resilient and im in awe at how much courage you have ! im 19 since just yesterday and im still trying to find some sort of acceptance of this situation and a will to carry on. i know i have to do it because if not for myself then for everyone i love !! i pretty much CTed Zoloft and am terrified i havent seen the worst of it yet, and with all the drugs that have been put into my body in january im scared of not seeing improvement. the mental symptoms are the worst. it hurts and its painful but you should be so proud of yourself for coming this far and as frustrating as this journey is, i know you'll continue to get better :)) ❤️ 

 

warmest wishes

-julia

[eileen1111]

hey @mona211 sorry to hear it. I know exactly what you mean re that derealisation feeling. like my head is full of helium. Thanks so much for those videos. I'm familiar with some of them, and yes Baylissa is a huge inspiration.

I love that book series hahaha, actually you've reminded me to re-read it - perfect escapism

[eileen1111]

hi julia @18yoldoffZoloft thank you for such a lovely post. 

On 3/20/2023 at 10:34 PM, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

i know i have to do it because if not for myself then for everyone i love

exactly this !!!

it's a long journey to recovery but it'll be worth it. i have so much empathy for your struggle with zoloft and then getting prescribed other drugs as the 'solution'. at first i thought there must be some other pill which would make things better. I was prescribed mirtazapine at one point too, as well as citalopram, topamax.... luckily i never took any because now that enough time has passed i can see that the drugs are actually the problem and the solution is to get OFF these chemicals. the only answer is time, nourishing food, and a safe place to rest up for as long as it takes. you can do this ❤️

[Kuda1988]

I tried making appointment with baylissa . But there isn’t any available , I heard her site was compromised . Is it my browser or is she not taking appointments right now ?

[eileen1111]

@Kuda1988 i’m not sure, sorry

[eileen1111]

so my knee sprain is actually healing up fairly quickly. in my last post i was feeling really depressed but i’m doing better now, able to find the positives again and keep focused on hope for the future. i just get freaked out now by anything health-related. my brain goes to a dark place. that’s the trauma of WD , i’m certain. not feeling safe in your own body for so long will do this to you 💔 

but today was okay. things feel more on track

[eileen1111]

15 months off now... last night i had a vivid dream where my teeth were falling out and i was crying (in the dream) so much that it woke me up. then went back to sleep for a while and felt okay-ish this morning. felt ready enough to face the day at least. now after a bit of a tiring day i have that thick head pressure hungover fatigued  shut down feeling that comes from the overstimulation of general life atm. it does get me really down. oh and my injured knee is causing problems and pain etc. but my brother is cooking dinner and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow. don’t have to do much tomorrow and it’s supposed to be nicer weather so maybe i can sit outside and read. acceptance of the fact that this is going to take a long time for me

[eileen1111]

On 9/13/2022 at 1:02 PM, eileen1111 said:

I cannot WAIT to be able to just read easily and peacefully again without the page looking 'funny'.

I can do this now, mostly 💜

[mona211]

Someone who recovered said what helped her the most was looking back three months from where she was to find the smallest of progress . Look how far you’ve made it. 

[eileen1111]

14 minutes ago, mona211 said:

Someone who recovered said what helped her the most was looking back three months from where she was to find the smallest of progress

It can be really encouraging when I do this! 6 months even more so.
how are you at the moment? x