haley: Not too sure what to believe...

[haley]

its just likemy family gets mad when I act this way. my mom kicked me out and grandma dont want me there. so idk

[Brandy]

Haley, you can't die from withdrawal. The mind sometimes thinks that (mine did) because it's having trouble figuring out what's going on. The mind "jumps to conclusions" (wrong conclusions), so to speak. But horrible as you may feel, you will not die from this. No one ever has, and many, many people have been through this.

 

Don't apologize for talking about this. Unfortunately, most of us recognize and relate to what you're describing. We've been through it too.

 

This recovery (as I prefer to call it - too many incorrect connotations with terms like "addiction" and "withdrawal" that I keep meaning to post about, but that will have to wait) lasts much longer than we'd expect, and certainly longer than we'd want.

 

After a while, it gets better and there are more and longer better times and less and less of the bad times like what you're going through now.

 

But as I've probably said before, you do need to give it more time. Don't be frightened by the heightened or distorted sensory perceptions. That will go away as you heal. And please keep reminding yourself that although you're not able to experience right now the life that's usually normal at your age, you will again, and you will have a long and good life enjoying normal activities once you heal from this, as long as you take care with what you take in the future. (Some of us have unusually sensitive nervous systems that don't respond the same to things as other people do. Then it's important to realize that and avoid them, to have the happy life you want and avoid going through this ever again.)

 

It's probably too soon for the 5 mg. paxil you reinstated to have a noticeable effect yet (that's common), but I wondered whether you're feeling any better or worse now. Or just still the same as when you reinstated?

 

Keep reminding yourself that all this is temporary while you heal. The rest of your life is there waiting for you once you've healed!

[haley]

I mean I just feel like its not as bad but I guess I have a while to go. I know it might not be the best thing too post but I always wander too myself... will I ever be able too smoke pot.

[Karma]

Why would you want to smoke pot? Seriously? After all the discomfort, anxiety and pain you've been through with prescription antidepressants why would you want to experiment with pot? Why would you intentionally seek a mind altering drug when you are still in the throes of trying to get this one out of your system?

 

I'm sorry ... am I channeling my mother?

 

Seriously Haley, there are so many other wonderful things for you to discover in your life ... please don't be swayed by peer-pressure into thinking that pot is something worth trying. It is so not.

 

Karma

[haley]

No, i mean i used too smoke it too calm down... i always have. That's kind of who i was, a girly girl that watched movies and read teen books, this is the total opposite of who i am. I loved art, now i can't do anything. I mean sex was very important, and so was my life. My little brother was my everything. I am not smoking pot right now, not for a very long time but i am just thinking i'll never be the old me. I never have popped pills or anything just pot. acid twice thats it. i want my life back. i want me back.

[haley]

where do you get bath salts?

[Brandy]

Karma, Haley mentioned the pot in her first post on this thread.

 

I have no judgements about pot. It doesn't work for me, never did even when I was young.

 

The issue with Haley was the very common interaction with paxil. (Or any psych drug.) Those are cases where 1 + 1 does NOT equal 2.

 

Ironically, people tend to crave pot and sometimes alcohol I think, while taking ADs even if they didn't want them so much prior to being on meds. This is very common. But the combination of the med and the pot, even though the person craves it, is a bad mix that makes almost everyone have really bad reactions. We suspected that was happening with Haley.

 

Haley, it's so hard not to worry about the future when in withdrawal. I honestly think it's a withdrawal symptom that people tend to worry obsessively while recovering from psych drugs, about the future and how they'll be. If I had a dollar for every time I'd heard those worries, I'd be a very rich woman. (And I am so NOT rich!)

 

So I know it's hard not to use something (pot) you want, and possibly even harder not to feel overwhelmed by fear, including fear of the future. But if you can keep these feelings under control by distracting yourself or other methods (people will probably have suggestions for you), it will really make this hard time you're going through easier.

 

The fact that you're not smoking pot this time while you've reinstated on the paxil may be why you're tolerating it this time. And GREAT that you seem to be starting to feel a bit better. Even just a little bit better is great, and probably means you'll keep getting better. That's what we've been working toward - for you to get stabilized to a point where you can then do a very slow tolerable taper and HEAL.

 

And healing means how you feel now is NOT how you'll feel in the future. You'll get back to feeling like "you" again!

 

Hang in there, lady. You're doing great!

[jcook0113]

I think it sounds like you are definitely depressed. As far as smoking the marijuana........you probably need to lay off. Some people cannot smoke it that have problems with anxiety which I'm pretty sure is linked to depression. I found that Celexa works good for me. I have been on it since 1999. I am chronic depressive. I cannot even tell that I am taking it. I have no side effects but I promise you that if I quit with it, then I can def see what it is doing for me. I think it is a miracle. I would hate to have to live without it. Maybe you should ask your doctor about it. Of course, like everything out there, some people may have some side effects or reactions to it but I know about 6 other people that are on it and doing great. I know one person that wasn't able to take it. Good luck. Let me know if you need to talk to someone.

[Brandy]

I think it sounds like you are definitely depressed. As far as smoking the marijuana........you probably need to lay off. Some people cannot smoke it that have problems with anxiety which I'm pretty sure is linked to depression. I found that Celexa works good for me. I have been on it since 1999. I am chronic depressive. I cannot even tell that I am taking it. I have no side effects but I promise you that if I quit with it, then I can def see what it is doing for me. I think it is a miracle. I would hate to have to live without it. Maybe you should ask your doctor about it. Of course, like everything out there, some people may have some side effects or reactions to it but I know about 6 other people that are on it and doing great. I know one person that wasn't able to take it. Good luck. Let me know if you need to talk to someone.

 

Welcome jcook.

 

I read both your posts and will reply to your post about switching back to celexa separately.

 

But I want to clarify that this is a site for people seeking support in getting off antidepressants. Many of us have a lot of experience with these meds, and many are very sick from them.

 

I totally respect your wish to stay on meds and that you like them, but your advice to Haley may have been well-intentioned but was dangerous. Really.

 

It's important to get familiar with a person's situation before offering advice if one has something to offer. If you'd read Haley's earlier posts you'd know that, like many people, she was not put on paxil for depression, but for other reasons (very common for these meds to be prescribed for many things, often off-label), and that we've been trying to help her through a very frightening adverse reaction and subsequent withdrawal.

 

Severe depression is a common withdrawal symptom from these kinds of meds and happens to many people who were not depressed when they went on the med. (I was one of those.) Those who did have depression when they went on meds usually experience rebound depression when they go off the med, at least - or especially - when they taper too large cuts in dose too fast. That happened to Haley.

 

When people have true adverse reactions to SSRIs, they cannot tolerate other SSRIs and generally not other similar psych drugs either. Everyone is different. But for her to take another SSRI or similar drug while in the condition she's in would probably be truly dangerous.

 

Some people here are totally anti-med due to how badly their health and usually their lives have been affected either by adverse reactions (which are a very different thing than side effects) or by severe withdrawal problems (or both). I personally don't feel that way because I think there are situations where the benefits outweigh the (very real) risks. None of us tries to tell people whether they should be on meds or not. We are not in a position to do that. We just share our experiences and our knowledge to help people who need or want to get off them do so safely and with as little suffering as possible. Such support is the stated purpose on the welcome page.

 

So you may have found the wrong group, but we'll certainly try to help with your present dilemma about getting your med after your doctor retired which you posted about in your (other) thread.

 

But please respect the purpose of this group and the fact that many people here are very sick, and don't post suggestions that are dangerously inappropriate for their situations, which are different from yours. There are groups that exchange information and suggestions about drug use; this is not such a group. Like I said, I think you meant well and just didn't understand the nature of this group. Probably just a case of mistaken identity lol. But you might find you'll learn more about how some people are affected by these meds here, and that might help you discern better on other groups when people are having drug or withdrawal reactions as opposed to original condition, and also how to more safely get off these drugs if that ever becomes an issue for you or anyone you are in contact with, so feel free to read more on this site during your visit with us!

[Altostrata]

haley, don't mess with your brain right now, not with alcohol, pot, bath salts -- NONE of that!

 

Yes, you will be okay. Don't worry about that, worry about taking care of yourself now. If you broke your leg, what would you do? You wouldn't be hopping around on it.

 

Can you talk to your mother, tell her you're sick from the Paxil and need a quiet place to stay? Then you can rest and recuperate.

 

Don't worry about "who you are" or how you would like to party, just think of getting well, and tell your mom you need her help for that.

[peggy]

Haley, you have a lot of mothers here LOL...

I feel the desperation in your 'voice'.

 

As others have said you will get through this - you won't be the old Haley - you will be the new and improved Haley. You will be wiser and better able to deal with life's curve balls

[haley]

Its just too much for me too handle. I know i am being a baby, but i don't know how too verbally talk too people, i mean i do but my voice is breaking. I am so tired of this. I am having thoughts of killing myself, i just want too run away. but i won't kill myself. i just hate this.

[Brandy]

Severe depression is a common withdrawal symptom from these kinds of meds and happens to many people who were not depressed when they went on the med. (I was one of those.) Those who did have depression when they went on meds usually experience rebound depression when they go off the med, at least - or especially - when they taper too large cuts in dose too fast. That happened to Haley.

 

Just re-read my post above from la-a-a-ate last night while catching up on the subsequent posts, and realized I phrased something poorly in the paragraph above that lends itself to misinterpretation.

 

When I said "That happened to Haley," I was referring to the first phenomenon I mentioned - withdrawal actually causing depression (often extremely severe depression) in people who were not depressed when they went on the med and went on it for any of various other reasons.

 

I was very aware that Haley has posted that she did not have depression, or a diagnosis of depression, til she went on the paxil. Unfortunately, this is all too common, and since this did happen to me, I want to stress that in this case it goes away as one heals, just like the other symptoms do.

 

I did not mean to suggest that Haley had rebound (worsened by the med or w/d) depression. I simply put that in to educate the person whose post I was replying to.

 

Even doctors don't understand that adverse reactions and/or withdrawal can initiate depression or cause rebound in those who had depression previously. Either one can be very misleading to everyone, including the person experiencing it, and also those trying to help them. (Including family and friends - and those new to posting on forums like these.) So I was posting some general information to help people be aware of these things if they weren't before.

[Brandy]

Its just too much for me too handle. I know i am being a baby, but i don't know how too verbally talk too people, i mean i do but my voice is breaking. I am so tired of this. I am having thoughts of killing myself, i just want too run away. but i won't kill myself. i just hate this.

 

Haley, I had suicidal ideations in w/d, and I was NOT like this before. Furthest thing from it.

 

I certainly don't have them anymore. It was the w/d talking. At least in my case, I think my brain was so confused by what it was experiencing that it thought there was no other option but to self-destruct.

 

That was the furthest thing from the truth.

 

I needed to heal, and like I said, that is the furthest thing from my thoughts now. It's like remembering a bad dream when I remember it now. Bizarre, not anything to do with my reality (even though my life sucks in many ways - but I just feel like my life needs a big overhaul, I certainly don't want to die!) - like vaguely remembering a dream, nothing more.

 

I'm so glad you said you won't kill yourself. When you have those suicidal thoughts, which so many people in w/d do, keep reminding yourself that it's just the w/d making you think that. And if your brain argues with you (and in w/d brains get very argumentative lol!), be firm and stand up to it.

 

I don't blame you for hating this. I hated it too. I feel so bad for you, but like the others here pointed out, this feeling will not last, and we understand you and too many of us have been through the same thing. So we're here for you!

[Brandy]

Can you talk to your mother, tell her you're sick from the Paxil and need a quiet place to stay? Then you can rest and recuperate.

 

Don't worry about "who you are" or how you would like to party, just think of getting well, and tell your mom you need her help for that.

 

 

Its just too much for me too handle. I know i am being a baby, but i don't know how too verbally talk too people, i mean i do but my voice is breaking...

 

Haley, do you think it might work better to write a short note to your mother?

 

If you do, I suggest you write a "draft" of it, then set aside for a day or however long you need, then look at it fresh to make sure it says simply and clearly what you want her to understand in terms of possibly staying at home.

 

You might want to put in a sentence or two about wanting to know and address any concerns she might have about your being home. (I know that when I was in w/d I couldn't even stand being around myself [!!!!!!], so I can understand how it might have affected other people if I'd been living with or staying with others.)

 

That might open up a way to arrange some "ground rules" of your staying there that would work best for both of you. I don't mean rules like when you were a kid, I mean arranging for both of you to understand what bothers each of you and to set up conditions re privacy, not overstepping each others' boundaries or what either of you can handle (right or wrong - doesn't matter, but everybody has things that get to them that need to be respected, and that is probably even more so when one person is going through a hard time, like w/d or even being ill or going through a life crisis).

 

Also, I think when adults and their parents live with or stay with each other, it can get sticky because as adults the old patterns of "mother-child" things are no longer appropriate but they're ingrained.

 

I became of this in the reverse situation - when my mother was old and too sick to take care of herself and I had her stay with me. She was still my mother, but we had to learn to relate to each other in very different ways. I won't kid you, it was very hard (on me, and maybe for her too). But my mother is no longer alive, and I'll tell you - although there were times I felt like hitting my head against the wall, we also became closer than ever over time, and I treasure having gotten to know her as the complex adult person she was and not just the "mom" she was when I was a kid.

 

But close as we were, we did have to realize that we were now two separate adults with different ways of doing things, and we had to find ways to share a (small!) place and not let those differences become problems. It requires mutual respect. (Even when you think your mother is totally wrong about things lol!!!)

[Altostrata]

haley, the stress of Paxil withdrawal would be very difficult for anyone, not only a person as young as you are.

 

It's hard to realize the only person who can take care of you is you. Be brave, haley. Keep talking to us.

 

What about your Paxil prescription for next month? Is that lined up?

[haley]

noo, I think that the prescription I have will last. or at least I think. since im only at 5mg. the dosage they gave me is 20. I will have too see. I just feel that you all have recovered cause you all sound great. I mean I dont want too jump too conclusions, but brandy how are you doing?

[haley]

Alto, have you recovered? It just scares the **** out of me when i see your not all the way recovered. Is it normal too like start hating your family and friends through this? I mean i really want too run away from everything. Somewhere like live in a tent out in the wilderness, where i won't be bothered, but then i would feel very isolated, not that i already don't. Been only getting a few hours of sleep, which it doesn't feel like i'm sleeping at all. i just want too know who has recovered. i need hope.

[Altostrata]

People do recover, we have a lot of people here who are doing fine.

 

haley, I went off Paxil too fast and hurt my nervous system. I was 54. I didn't reinstate Paxil when I should have.

 

You are doing much better now than I was.

 

I just sent sent you a personal message.

[haley]

yeah, but i see only stories that have been recovered by few. plus i have no libido, its gone. and i see that is the hardest thing too cure. i dont know if i could live like this even after i recovered from the mind being altered, if my sex drive is gone. I'm screwed. I hate this more than anything. Not having any feelings.

[Altostrata]

haley, when people recover, they don't hang out on sites like this. They're too busy living their lives.

 

Lots of people recover. Even my sexual feelings came back.

 

You'll be fine. Just be patient.

[Altostrata]

haley, how are you feeling now? It's been a couple of weeks since you started taking a bit of Paxil again, right?

[haley]

like I cant function. but more so tired of not emembering things and feeling alive. I feel dead. I feel like this is hopeless. depressed. I feel like I might try some acupuncture.

[Altostrata]

haley, do you feel any better since you started taking a little Paxil? Any changes?

 

Are you sleeping better?

[haley]

I'm not sleeping any better, but i feel the withdrawal still. I feel like it won't ever end, and I cant really explain it now.

I don't feel like I'm getting any better. But idk.

[Altostrata]

About the way you feel -- did anything at all change after you took the Paxil?

[haley]

thats a hard question right now. I dont feel as panicy. but i still want too see an acupuncturist, because i can't manage this. My head feels sooooo heavy.

[Altostrata]

An acupuncturist might help. Make sure the acupuncturist understands you need calming treatment, not stimulating treatment that will make the panicky feeling come back.

 

Okay, so would you say you feel calmer, but not real good?

 

Have you found a quieter place to stay?

[haley]

Not quite. I'm kind of bouncing back and forth at the moment. Staying here and there. I wish somebody was kind enough too take care of me until i get better. I am not sure what to do. I haven't missed a dose of paxil. But it's not really working the way i thought. I am not drowsy ever. idk. the acupuncturist i found knows about the antidepressant withdrawal syndrome, but she is quite expensive. but idk i'm looking for a way too see her.

[Altostrata]

haley, can you see your personal messages? Look up at the upper right, it's that little green number next to your name, where you log in. Click on the dot.

 

What are the names of the colleges near you?

[haley]

It's just that I don't want too go anywhere else. I mean if my mom had a clue of what was going on, I'm sure she would be more caring. But i have tried too tell her, and she thinks its just me. That i am fine and what not. But how was acupuncture for you? Does it help at all if i tell her too do calming treatments, and everything.

[Altostrata]

Yes, I found acupuncture to be helpful. It won't immediately fix you.

 

Do you still have a room in your mom's house?

[haley]

yes, i do. but she don't want me here, if i'm not going too do anything. so that's why she kicked me out. but i'm having suicidal thoughts again. like actually wanting too but i can't do that. I can't take this.

[Altostrata]

haley, your mom not wanting you there must make you feel very bad.

 

Rather than wishing for a kind person to take you in, you need to search for one. They're out there.

 

Try phoning these people to ask for help near you: http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

[haley]

it does make me feel sad that she is mean too me when im not okay. but im scared too leave for good.

[Altostrata]

That may be why you're feeling so miserable, haley, it's not the Paxil.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Please phone this number when you're feeling down:

 

(1-800-246-7743)

 

HOURS:

Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time

(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

 

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time

(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

 

They have chat, too, see http://www.volunteerlogin.org/chat/