DoneDanny: short period on sertraline / Zoloft and I lost myself

[DoneDanny]

The signature shows how short of a time I was on Sertraline. I only went to the doctor because I was feeling a bit fatigued from life and within 5 minutes I was leaving with a prescription for Sertraline (Zoloft). From the very first pill I took, I could tell that it was doing nothing but damaging my brain and body. The sad part is that everyone, including doctors and the internet, tell you that it gets so much better with time and to just ride it out. I felt spacy and anxious, like I couldn't breath the entire time I was on the "medicine." It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and I just tapered off quick. The doctor I went to said that I wasn't on the drug for very long so I could just half the pills for a few days and stop taking it.

 

Its been about 7 weeks off of the drug and I can say the only thing that brings me here is the depersonalization/ derealization that is not going away. I can't even tell if it is getting any better in the slightest. I wouldn't have any anxiety or depression if the dpdr wasn't so debilitating. I haven't been able to work since the day I took my first dose of the poison and am afraid I will never be able to find myself again. Honestly the suicidal thoughts and depression brought about by the thought of having to live like this forever are overwhelming.

 

From what I've read you all are going to try to tell me to reinstate the drug but to be honest, I'd rather eat glass than ever take another ssri or other psych med again. 

 

I've talked to a psychiatrist and she prescribed me olanzapine ( I never took it) and then she prescribed me abilify (never took it either).

 

I decided to start talking to a therapist and doing emdr therapy to try to lessen the stress of the whole situation and so far have only done one session.

 

All in all, I'm just trying to get some input from the community about how this might get a little better. From what I've seen very little people on here have stories about recovering from sertraline.... It's almost like it should never be given to anyone. I haven't been able to find anything about how long the dpdr will last or if it will ever get better. I feel like I have lost who I am.

 

My eyes feel like they are permanently damaged from the drug. I have a very hard time focusing on anything and when I do I still feel like what I am seeing isn't real. Do your eyes ever recover from sertraline?

[manymoretodays]

Hey there Danny, and welcome aboard,

Thanks for getting your signature done, and telling your story here.....so far.

And no, I'm not going to suggest you reinstate now.

It sounds like you had the unfortunate circumstance of immediate adverse reactions/side effects to the sertraline.

 

And good that you have chosen not to ingest a AP(antipsychotic) drug for help.  I'm not sure that would help with much.

 

7 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

Its been about 7 weeks off of the drug and I can say the only thing that brings me here is the depersonalization/ derealization that is not going away. I can't even tell if it is getting any better in the slightest. I wouldn't have any anxiety or depression if the dpdr wasn't so debilitating. I haven't been able to work since the day I took my first dose of the poison and am afraid I will never be able to find myself again. Honestly the suicidal thoughts and depression brought about by the thought of having to live like this forever are overwhelming.

 

No, you will not have to live this way forever.

And hoping you can find additional support while you are here.

 

This topic might speak to you:

But I only took it for a week:  https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/23081-are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/?do=findComment&comment=492494

 

And I think that not only are you recovering now from a adverse reaction, but that you are experiencing some WD(withdrawal) now too.  You were just about at a month of usage, and very likely that you did reach that physiological dependency, or adaptation to the drug.......so that when it was taken away too fast, you did start to experience WD too.

 

Dr.Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

And then here is our topic on Derealization or Depersonalization(DR and DP)

 

The optical/eye symptoms seem to be fairly common too.  I've had varying degrees of that.  It does seem like some was from the drugs I was on, and then some was from WD too.  As I wound up with reading glasses fairly young, and now progressives(developed distance problems, and have some astigmatism).  I was on many, many drugs though.  And yes, I think it has improved, and my coping with it has improved as well.  Still awaiting the perfect glasses.....but......

 

Yes, many benefit from therapy, so I am glad to hear that you will pursue that.  Do remember that you can try a new therapist, if the first does not feel like a good fit.  Good to give them the benefit of several appointments and sessions, and then decide.

 

Again, this won't last forever in it's intensity.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

Brain Remodelling
 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Hoping you have had a few good hours or even days in the last 7 weeks.  Those are windows.  Cherish them.

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system.  

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

A good rule of thumb, going forward, would be to only try one new thing at a time, and then start low in dosage, and go slow with increases.  That way you will know if it is helping or hindering.  Most do benefit from the above 2 supplements.

 

Welcome again, it sounds like you have found the reinstatement topic? 

Has the fatigue that you went to the doctor for initially gotten any better?

Did they do a thorough exam and possibly blood work to rule out any medical reasons for that?

 

This whole time period, the last few years, and Covid has done a number on many people.......as far as the general human race.  And that's kind of normal, when you think about it.  Lot's of job losses, life losses, health concerns, family difficulties, etc.  Yet we survive, collectively, and in community......hopefully in community of some kind for all.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by manymoretodays

[DoneDanny]

I've done everything possible to start to feel better. Had about 3 days of feeling 5% better and its been a huge wave ever since. How long do waves last? 

I don't understand how something that is considered safe can be so damaging to the brain.

[Onmyway]

Hi Danny, 

we don't know how long the waves will last but take heart that they do get better. The fact that you haven't found many specific sertraline recovery stories doesn't mean that they are rare. Most people who recover never want to think about this again so don't return to the site to write a success story. The thing to do now is be gentle to your system. We recommend also to avoid other supplements or vitamins (except Omega-3 and magnesium), alcohol, pot, caffeine and any other psychoactive substance - incl. herbal teas and alternative medicines. Just keep things as stable as you can, do things that used to give you pleasure even if they don't give you pleasure now. This will get better. 

OMW

[JesusSavemefromWD]

7 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I've done everything possible to start to feel better. Had about 3 days of feeling 5% better and its been a huge wave ever since. How long do waves last? 

I don't understand how something that is considered safe can be so damaging to the brain.

I am sorry you are going through this. Doctors are clueless, I was told zoloft is particularly mild and safe…. Right …. I now wish I had done illegal drugs than taking Zoloft. Everyone here says things get better with time and we eventually recover …. Stay strong 

[john856]

Hello @DoneDanny I also had an adverse reaction from a short time on Sertraline back in 9/2021 and have been periodically coming to this site for info and support. The links from manymoretodays are a great start in understanding recovery. If you have any questions or if I can help in anyway, please let me know. I can only offer my personal experience for what it's worth. DPDR has by far been my worst symptom and most unsettling. Please remember you can heal from this and you can do it!

 

[DoneDanny]

I'm tempted to just take the olanzapine if it'll dumb me down enough to stop feeling like this. The intrusive thoughts about never recovering are relentless. The suicidal urges are never ending. Living everyday a paranoid mess who talks in their head a psycho path is no way to live. Maybe we're all crazy and a little antipsychotic would do us wonders. I've also read a lot of people have their depersonalization cured from olanzapine. I can't take this depersonalization much longer. I don't even know who I am...

[Lilabella]

Please hold on do not take olanzapine it's a horrible drug and will make you feel like a blank zombie. And then you will want to get off it and find you can't, and your nightmare will continue but with a different drug in your system. It will not cure you, what will is time and more time. Stay strong you can do this and not with any more drugs. 

[Daisygirlsk]

8 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I'm tempted to just take the olanzapine if it'll dumb me down enough to stop feeling like this. The intrusive thoughts about never recovering are relentless. The suicidal urges are never ending. Living everyday a paranoid mess who talks in their head a psycho path is no way to live. Maybe we're all crazy and a little antipsychotic would do us wonders. I've also read a lot of people have their depersonalization cured from olanzapine. I can't take this depersonalization much longer. I don't even know who I am...

antipsychotics make you feel like a total zombie that is relentlessly tired and don't take away the symptoms in my experience.  plus they cause akathisia which you do not want

[JesusSavemefromWD]

11 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I'm tempted to just take the olanzapine if it'll dumb me down enough to stop feeling like this. The intrusive thoughts about never recovering are relentless. The suicidal urges are never ending. Living everyday a paranoid mess who talks in their head a psycho path is no way to live. Maybe we're all crazy and a little antipsychotic would do us wonders. I've also read a lot of people have their depersonalization cured from olanzapine. I can't take this depersonalization much longer. I don't even know who I am...

If you don’t mind me asking did u get dpdr while on the drug or after stopping? I was getting on and off DPDR while on the drug but once I quit it became constant. I don’t think an antipsychotic can help with Dpdr. Ironically I have found stories in YouTube from people who got dpdr from illegal drugs and got over it by using lexapro or Zoloft so sometimes I think reinstating Zoloft might help but most people who reinstate seem to get worst so I never did go back on the drug. 

[DoneDanny]

Had DPDR the entire time I guess. But the antidepressant made me so anxious I didn't even know it was giving me dpdr. It messed up my eyes so bad and they're still completely broken. Nothing I look at seems real and it's all out of focus. My brains unable to write what I'm seeing in real time. I don't understand how a drug so toxic could be marketed to help fragile people. 3 months in and hope is hard to find in my mind of unorganized paranoia. I just wish there was someone here who has recovered from sertraline, I can't find anything online besides people who just live with permanent eye and mind disruptions. And that fact alone is making me want out of this perpetual hell.

[JesusSavemefromWD]

5 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

Had DPDR the entire time I guess. But the antidepressant made me so anxious I didn't even know it was giving me dpdr. It messed up my eyes so bad and they're still completely broken. Nothing I look at seems real and it's all out of focus. My brains unable to write what I'm seeing in real time. I don't understand how a drug so toxic could be marketed to help fragile people. 3 months in and hope is hard to find in my mind of unorganized paranoia. I just wish there was someone here who has recovered from sertraline, I can't find anything online besides people who just live with permanent eye and mind disruptions. And that fact alone is making me want out of this perpetual hell.

I know all the bad stories on the web about Zoloft but I also know many people have healed from this terrible drug. DaBro is an SA member who healed from Zoloft …. It took him about 2 years if I remember correctly. I know it sounds horrible what I ll say “ 3 months is still early” how can it be early if you only took the drug for a month, but if is true …. More time is needed but I think healing is inevitable, the brain wants to go back to its default state 

[john856]

On 2/10/2022 at 12:48 PM, DoneDanny said:

Nothing I look at seems real and it's all out of focus. My brains unable to write what I'm seeing in real time.

 

I can relate to this and I hope your vision recovers soon. My vision used to be so blurry and out of focus after I stopped zoloft that it was challenging to even walk around my room/go to the bathroom. Watching tv/computer work was a chore and I'd get terrible headaches. Watching any moving objects or scrolling my phone would trigger headaches and dizziness. I also was very sensitive to bright lights/blue lights. At one point, I was so desperate that I was doing eye exercises I had found on youtube lol.

 

This lasted for a good month straight before I went to see an eye doctor because it was unbearable. I would even get random bloodshot eyes, which freaked me out. Overall the Eye Doc said my optical nerves looked completely normal and told me to give it more time. That said, I would say about ~3 months after stopping zoloft, I noticed tiny improvements as far as blurriness goes. After about ~4months, my focus improved enough where I could drive again. I think my vision is mostly back, and my remaining visual issues are related to dpdr I think.

 

I have to mention that this is my own experience and it might not be the same for you or others. I just wanted to share a little encouragement that healing can happen with time, little by little.

[DoneDanny]

My anxiety is progressively getting worse and worse to the point where I just picture myself doing harmful things to get it to stop. Not sure what to do anymore. Nothing is helping, and I feel like everyday the depression, anxiety, dpdr, intrusive thoughts, and feelings of losing control are getting worse. The scariest thoughts are about how I imagined myself starting to feel normal again after so many months and I feel like I am at ground zero everyday. It's awful because I exercise everyday and meditate with zero benefit or relief from my 24/7 anxiety about how ruined my brain feels.

[mstimc]

Danny, I went through the same period of dark thoughts.  Perhaps worse than the thoughts is the fer you'll act on them, whether its self-harm or hurting someone else.  You won't.  Remember, these are just thoughts being generated by a brain that's trying to restore its balance.  The fear-generating part of our brains is the most primeval and most powerful.  When its triggered, even by imaginary threats, it takes over our thinking.  I know its hard, but for now you should work on accepting that the thoughts will come but deny them the power to trigger a reaction. I did EMDR too and it helped, as did practicing CBT. Its a hard road to go down and it will take time, but you can make it.

[HopefulDawn]

Hi there, this is super similar to what I went through. In my case the depersonalisation/ derealisation took the longest time to go away completely but it did eventualy. I also have issues with my eyes in that I couldn't focus my eyes on things for some reason and everything looked weird, I had difficulty seeing black things with detail in them because they would look like a black blob. I went to the optiscion (eye doctor) and they said these drugs can affect eyes but they did not see anything specifically wrong on tests though. The dark thoughts thing was one of the difficult things I had to deal with too.

[DoneDanny]

I'm thinking about taking 12.5mg of lamictal daily. I was on that dose for 5 years and stopped 3 years ago because I felt I didn't need it. I saw a thread on here about how it might be able to stabilize the CNS. The forum recommends much lower doses, but I was on 12.5mg for a really long time and had no adverse reactions to it before. It may have helped control my anxiety and depression and I was just unaware of how effective it was. Any suggestions? I already got it prescribed but I am terrified to take it because of how horrible the Depersonalization and Suicidal thoughts are. 

[DoneDanny]

Can anyone who has recovered tell me if I'll ever be able to look at my body, hands, and face again and be able to recognize me as me without wanting to cry my eyes out? I feel like I have to verbally tell each of my body parts to move and they never feel connected to me. Does the anxiety ever go away? Am I ever going to be able to look in the distance any be able to focus on the world around me. It's hard to believe "recovery" is possible when your new way of life and mindset is nothing but pitiful misery, that hasn't seemed to be getting any better month over month.

 

I feel like this is going to be the new me forever and that thought is sickening. The new neural pathways of severe anxiety about being a human have been set in stone from the poison that is zoloft. Again, its just hard to believe "recovery" from daily life of depersonalized thoughts is possible. I run miles each morning and exercise with weights in the afternoon, drink nothing but water and eat clean lean healthy food every single day. I wake up to breathwork and meditation as well. Shouldn't I be seeing results? The anxiety and insomnia have actually been worsening, not getting better. 

 

Therapy was a joke. EMDR felt like the biggest joke of them all. If therapy, exercise, healthy lifestyle, sunlight, and meditation aren't going to help me; I doubt "more time" is going to fix anything. Furthermore, I'm unable to work because the thought of the anxiety of going out into the real world and people relying on me to be able to function like a healthy non-crazy human makes me want to die. And my family is starting to lose patience in me which makes me want to die as well.

 

I just want to be me again...... The regret from taking that stupid poison is hanging heavily over me every single day. I've lost months of my life and it feels like I've lost the rest of my life as well. How can this be happening to me, I was trying to do this to be a better person and it made me a useless, wreck of a human. 

 

[eileen1111]

hi @DoneDanny I got derealisation / depersonalisation from sertraline withdrawals and it HAS got better, and my ability to cope is getting better. It is going to take a long time, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Most important thing is looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe. I know it feels really cruel and unfair that this has happened. Honestly I just congratulate myself on crawling through each day and am glad for even tiny things. One day at a time and somehow the weeks will pass and each one is one closer to feeling better. 

[HopefulDawn]

Hey there. You say you are doing a lot to try and help yyourself get back to normal and you should be seeing results by now; the thing is though because the drug has messed with the receptors it takes a fairly long time for them to return to the way they were before drugs. My personal view is time is what you need. It does really suck though. Like eileen1111 said take it slowly and don't focus too far into the future or for too big goals, you have to focus on smaller improvements first.

 

[DoneDanny]

I don't think I can do this anymore. I searched today desperately for some positive stories about recovering from depersonalization/ derealization and eye issues caused by adverse reactions to short terms on ssri medications. What I found was demoralizing and destroyed my last bit of hope. People still suffering for years and years. I'm barely passed the 5 month mark and I'm done. I can't do the trauma anymore. My own hands aren't mine. I don't recognize me. I don't recognize my own mother. Going out in nature is traumatizing..... Doing normal human things is traumatizing because my inability to see things how they are supposed to be. Everything is wrong and hard to see. It's pure trauma and it's not going to get better from the looks of things. I can't suffer anymore, I'm not strong enough. Quite frankly, I don't understand how anyone can stand this for even as long as I have. I've experienced 0 windows just wave on top of wave on top of wave. No easing of symptoms in the evening, no healing, no recovery. No one believes you when you tell them how bad it is. Why would they? I'm only 24 but I've had enough and it's 100% sertraline's fault.

[ChessieCat]

This is the link to search results for "adverse reaction" in the Success Stories forum:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/search/?&q="adverse reaction"

[ChessieCat]

 

immediate-adverse-reactions-to-an-antidepressant-or-within-a-few-doses-how-long-for-recovery

 

[DoneDanny]

Both of those topics are what brought me to the mental state that I am in. They repeatedly show people suffering for years from just a few pills and I took it for weeks. No one who has an adverse reaction has a success story that sounds like an actual success story. And most of them are years and years of suffering for very little improvement. Thank you for trying. 

[ChessieCat]

One thing that I think is very important is to compare how you feel now with how you felt at your worst, not how you felt at your best or how you want to feel.  Improvements during recovery can sometimes be very subtle and might not get noticed, but looking back there can be the realisation that a particular symptom is not as bad as it had been.

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

It tends to be the people with issues that are active online, needing assistance with their issue/s.  And just like people who are well or recovering don't keep going to see a doctor, people who are feeling improvement after a bad experience with or getting off their psychiatric drug, generally go about their lives and don't return to the sites that they had posted on.

 

It's amazing how many members have returned after a long hiatus stating that they had forgotten all about SA and that something reminded them and they returned to update.  They seem to be the members who gained a lot of encouragement from reading about other members' improvements and recoveries so they want to come back to encourage others because they know how important it is.  I imagine that there would be others who remember and plan to return (but cannot straight away because they are busy) and then don't get around to it, some might decide not to (because it can be triggering to recall what they went through), some might not realise how helpful their recovery story is to others, and some might not care.

 

 It's can also be similar to the service that people get when doing business.  Complainers generally tell more people about the issues they have had than the ones who were happy with the service.

 

From https://open.lib.umn.edu/principlesmarketing/chapter/14-3-customer-satisfaction/

 

Quote

We know that dissatisfied customers are likely to tell many more friends about their negative experiences than satisfied customers are about good experiences.

 

[DoneDanny]

Approaching 6 months of being chemically lobotomized. Eyes still don't see, can barely read, life is pure torture. I lay on the ground in a ball and just cry my eyes out at least twice a day. I write my suicide note in my head everyday. If things don't get better very very soon, I don't see any point living like this anymore. To be honest I died the moment I took sertraline and it took my life from me. It's getting harder and harder to force myself to stay alive. I can't think and I can't see, the dpdr is permanent. My brain gave up.

[DoneDanny]

@rebeccaannxo Why keep going? I can't imagine this pain lasting 7 months from only 3 pills... What keeps you going? I'm never immobile, I exercise 2 times a day, eating an insane clean diet, meditating, getting sun etc. Nothing helps, and I am mentally braindead and fear every moment of everything my eyes perceive. Aren't you starting to feel like this is your life now? Because that's all I feel and believe each day when I wake up and have zero progress towards becoming me again. Life isn't supposed to be torture 24 hours a day. Sertraline has made me mentally psychotic.

 

[JanCarol]

On 3/15/2022 at 3:11 AM, DoneDanny said:

I'm thinking about taking 12.5mg of lamictal daily. I was on that dose for 5 years and stopped 3 years ago because I felt I didn't need it. I saw a thread on here about how it might be able to stabilize the CNS.

Hey Danny - 

 

this makes me wonder - was sertraline your first and only drug?  

or were you primed for sertraline by other psych drugs?

Why were you on the Lamictal?  Do you have a longer history of being prescribed antidepressants or other psych drugs?

I ask because (I may be wrong, please correct me if I am) if you had used drugs before, and gone off them, returned to the doctor when things got bad - you may have been prepped for kindling when you started the sertraline.

ALSO - while sertraline / Zoloft is bad - it really doesn't matter which brand or type of drug you took.  They all give us similar symptoms, with slight variations (some harder or easier to taper, some affect slightly different systems), and they all offer the same kind of timelines for withdrawal.

 

Thing is, adding this drug or that one doesn't fix the problems - the suicidal urges, the dp/dr, none of them.  The drugs can block them, but do not resolve them.  Yes, they are Neuro-emotions, true feelings which are magnified 100x to be overwhelming and huge.  But at the centre of them is a seed of truth.  If you can recognize that seed of truth, you can realise where the truth ends, and the chemical magnification begins.

 

On 3/26/2022 at 5:19 AM, DoneDanny said:

Therapy was a joke. EMDR felt like the biggest joke of them all. If therapy, exercise, healthy lifestyle, sunlight, and meditation aren't going to help me; I doubt "more time" is going to fix anything.

I'm sorry you didn't feel good about your therapy.  Perhaps you need a different practitioner.  At least you are young - I am 60 years old, and the prospect of going to some youngster to tell them about my moods, problems, struggles, etc. - to "start over" in therapy  (my therapist retired) - is overwhelming.  

Perhaps, too, at this time, exercise is too much - many people have found, in extreme states, that exercise exacerbates strong emotions and intensity of symptoms.  Consider trying a week without the exercise (I don't know what you are doing - gentle walking, seeing the sun,  tai chi, even light weightlifting can be good - but power lifting, long distance running, hard, full-on training = can be over-activating)

But I can tell you that time is *exactly* what heals.  I know, from the depths of the mud, you look up and cannot see the sky.  But over time, you will gradually crawl your way out of the mud and start having windows.  

 

On 4/12/2022 at 9:55 AM, DoneDanny said:

I'm only 24 but I've had enough

Oh, that's good news.  (depending on your history, see above)

You will heal faster than those of us who were on the drugs for decades.  

But there are some fixed measures of time.  Brass's post Are We There Yet?  How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take? is an excellent one.

I'll give you my take on it.  It takes 3 weeks for ONE thing to heal.  The drugs affect MANY things (this is why we get windows and waves).  So - like a construction site, some parts of you will go down while other parts are healing.  Maybe this pathway is blocked for now, but will reopen when it is healed.

Here's a quote I posted years ago on another thread:

Quote

I really like Bubble's phrase:  "Brain is closed down for repairs."  I'd like to expand on that a bit - parts of your brain are closed down.  Imagine very complicated road works with about 25 intersections coming together.  This week, the traffic lights are shut down, and you need a cop to manage the intersection.  When that is repaired, well, maybe they need to re-do the shoulders, so they can divert traffic onto them for later when the lanes are being repaired.  Then there's the repairing of the lanes - it doesn't all happen at once.  Sometimes they need to rip up the old tarmac, change all the drainage routes, relocate the services for electricity and plumbing, get down to the foundation, and re-grade it, lay new gravel, then steel rebar, pouring concrete foundation, then laying the asphalt.  Sometimes you will go for 5 months, and the road is still closed, but you can't see what they are doing to it!  Each phase requires time to set and dry.  Then you can paint the lines on it, and go to another part of the intersection - perhaps one of the other incoming roads needs the same treatment.  Perhaps there are exit ramps and roundabouts and flyover lanes that need repair.  Each of which takes time.

 

Now imagine the millions of networks in your brain healing - they don't just, "heal" and be done.  It's a construction process, like Bubble was saying.  Road works for the brain. 

 

Just my way of saying, be patient with yourself.  It might be the tarmac this week - but the lines aren't on the road and you're disoriented.  Maybe the signals are crossed at the intersections, or the signs are removed or there are detours.  Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself.  It's a complex process, and the gentler you are, the more easily you will heal.  It does no good to shake your fist and yell at the construction guys while they are doing their work!  So just wave (lol, wave!) at the worker, declare to yourself, "This is yet another symptom of withdrawal," and drive carefully past the obstacle.

Each little repair takes a minimum of 3 weeks.

 

And a little Zen master:

Quote

A student comes to the master and says, "How long until I reach enlightenment?"  "Ah," said the master, "5 years."  The student earnestly asks, "But if I work really really hard, and earnestly, and strive really hard, how long, then, will it take to reach enlightenment?"  "Ah," said the master, "20 years.!"

 

I hope you see the Sun today,

JC

 

[DoneDanny]

@rebeccaannxo Thats what I tell myself too. It's just getting harder and harder as time goes on. They say all you need is time to heal but shouldn't it be getting easier with time?

 

@JanCarol I was on lamictal when I was younger because my mom told the doctors I was bipolar even though I have zero of the bipolar symptoms. I would just get angry easily. I also took alprazolam as needed for a couple years but was off it completely for years before taking the sertraline. I smoked concentrated cannabis pretty much everyday from 16-22 years old as well as took too much alprazolam and drank too much alcohol from 18-21. After the sertraline I'm pretty sure I destroyed what was left of my sober mind. I did it to better myself too 😞 Now I'm unable to feel joy anymore. I can barely play video games because they are too confusing and I just want to lay there and not move. The dpdr which I never experienced from any amount of drug I've ever done and is mind melting. It brings so much paranoia and suicidal thoughts with it. Without the dpdr, I wouldn't be in the state I am in.

[getofflex]

15 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

Why keep going? I can't imagine this pain lasting 7 months from only 3 pills... What keeps you going? I'm never immobile, I exercise 2 times a day, eating an insane clean diet, meditating, getting sun etc. Nothing helps, and I am mentally braindead and fear every moment of everything my eyes perceive. Aren't you starting to feel like this is your life now? Because that's all I feel and believe each day when I wake up and have zero progress towards becoming me again. Life isn't supposed to be torture 24 hours a day. Sertraline has made me mentally psychotic.

You've only been off the sertraline for 6 months, after a fast taper.  It takes a very long time for the nervous system to recover.  It is incredibly complex, and intertwined with every other system in your body.  I'm very sorry you are feeling horrible.  I know this truly sucks.  But, please don't despair.  Please read this link.  

 

Steps for Managing WD Symptoms

 

How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take, Factors Affecting Withdrawal

 

Also check out baylissa's website:  

 

https://baylissa.com

Edited May 1, 2022 by getofflex

[getofflex]

2 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

It brings so much paranoia and suicidal thoughts with it.

Yes, it does.  But, it will get better, albeit extremely slowly, and it requires incredible amounts of patience.  I've also been dealing with withdrawal induced paranoia, but it's gradually improving, in fits and starts.  

[DoneDanny]

I've just started laying in bed for most of the day some days. Never did this before. I also started ugly crying the majority of the day to the point where my face muscles hurt and my eyes feel like they are bleeding. I had to hold an ice pack on my left cheek all night a few nights ago because it was in so much pain.

 

It was almost impossible to force myself to run this morning. Barely did 2 miles. Just keep thinking what's the point in forcing myself to exercise if nothing helps.

 

I scream at the top of my lungs quite often when I am alone. The pain is getting worse. The dpdr is getting worse. The fatigue is getting worse. The thoughts are getting worse. The paranoia is getting worse. It's getting harder to tell my brain to move my body. I feel like a stroke victim, but would probably have healed quicker from a stroke. I owe hundreds of dollars for therapy sessions that did nothing for me. I owe hundreds of dollars for glasses that make the world more 2d and horrible. I have a closet full of supplements that did nothing for me and every time I think about it or look in my closet I want to scream and disappear. I try to accept that my brain has been destroyed by sertraline and no amount of meditation, exercise, supplementation, etc will make any difference. I try to accept that time will make a difference but I don't truly believe it will.

 

Just venting.

[ChessieCat]

4 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

It was almost impossible to force myself to run this morning. Barely did 2 miles.

 

It might be better if you change your form of exercise.  You could try gentle walking and deliberately looking at the scenery which might help to start engaging the brain, instead of running.  Recently I realised that when I am doing something (eg hanging out the laundry) I am not being "in the moment" and instead I am thinking about what else I need/want to do and trying to get the task finished quickly so I can move to the next thing.  I'm now trying to be more "present" and try to listen to the sounds or lack of sounds and look at the sky/clouds etc.

 

Over exerting yourself might be making your issues worse because it can be stressful on the body.  When the body/brain is busy dealing with stress it has to divert its attention away from healing/recovery.  As an example when we are stressed our body is less able to fight bugs and infections. 

 

exercise-do-more-do-less-do-nothing-what-worked-for-you

 

You might also find it helpful to start doing some relaxation exercises several times a day, and you could incorporate some gentle exercises/stretches and light weights, but again don't overdo it.

 

4 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I try to accept that my brain has been destroyed by sertraline and no amount of meditation, exercise, supplementation, etc will make any difference.

 

Your brain has not been destroyed.  It just needs to reverse the changes that the sertraline caused.  This will take time and much longer than you would like it to take.  It is important to give the brain the environment (reduced stress, not taking anything that might make it worse, eg alcohol and supplements, and time) that it needs to do the work that it is automatically trying to do - return to homeostasis / factory settings. 

 

When my brain wasn't working very well I was playing games on the computer (eg Candy Crush - sometimes I would stare at the screen and have difficulty matching the colours/shapes; jigsaw puzzles - I've always loved and been good at doing physical jigsaw puzzles but there were times when I couldn't because my brain just wasn't able to see a piece and turn it around in my head like it had done), but I couldn't play games which causes my adrenaline to surge (eg Angry Birds).  Sometimes I was not able to play number games so would do crosswords.  And vice versa.  I believe that doing these things helped get my brain working better again.

 

4 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I try to accept that time will make a difference but I don't truly believe it will.

 

It's your choice what you believe.  But if you continue to believe that healing will not happen then you are more likely to miss noticing small improvements that are happening.

[DoneDanny]

14 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

You might also find it helpful to start doing some relaxation exercises several times a day, and you could incorporate some gentle exercises/stretches and light weights, but again don't overdo it.

 

I've noticed that when I don't push myself physically the suicidal thoughts and anxiety are much much worse. I try to take two rest days and they are the worst days of my week every time.

And I can't stand going for walks anymore. I hate looking at nature. The moment I walk out of my front door and look across the street at the other houses and trees, even looking in my own back yard, causes pure adrenaline and fear to spike through the roof and all I want to do is cry and make it all stop. Everything is fake and my eyes are so screwed up. It's all 2d and hard to see. I can't even barely look my own mother in the face anymore.

 

15 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Your brain has not been destroyed.  It just needs to reverse the changes that the sertraline caused.  This will take time and much longer than you would like it to take.  It is important to give the brain the environment (reduced stress, not taking anything that might make it worse, eg alcohol and supplements, and time) that it needs to do the work that it is automatically trying to do - return to homeostasis / factory settings. 

But what If my brain thinks nothing is wrong? Why would it be able to reverse changes that were made? It's just a lump of fat with electricity firing in all the wrong places. How would a brain that has been insulted with toxins know anything is out of place once the initial issue is resolved? For example I am extremely healthy and alive. The brain thinks its job is done.

 

20 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

5 hours ago, DoneDanny said:

I try to accept that time will make a difference but I don't truly believe it will.

 

It's your choice what you believe.  But if you continue to believe that healing will not happen then you are more likely to miss noticing small improvements that are happening.

I have noticed small improvements but they happened in the beginning, it has been consistently awful for months and months. Like I said, what if the brain thinks its job is done. How would it know any better.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm so tired and too anxious/ full of fear to tell anyone how bad it's been. It's just nice to vent when I'm really struggling.

[ChessieCat]

It sounds like you might be battle weary.  And this is understandable. 

 

However I think you might also be stuck in "stinking thinking" mode.  And this is also understandable.  Sometimes we have to make a decision to do things that might help improve our situation, even though it can be hard to do.  I will provide 2 quotes of posts I have made to other members to save me time and energy (I only had a few hours sleep last night due to back and knee issues, unrelated to AD or WD).  These are examples of how you can change how you state things/say things to yourself.

 

  Re:  sleep apnoea mask:

 

On 4/25/2022 at 12:10 PM, ChessieCat said:

It might be a good idea to put it on for short periods of time during the day just so you get used to the feeling of having the mask on your face.  Also when you put it on instead of thinking things like I can't do this, or I don't like this which are emotive thoughts change it to a more factual thought like this feels strange, this will take some time to get used to, this might help me to feel better.

 

Re:  Member had made a reduction and posted this comment:  Too early to say how difficult this last reduction will be.

  

On 4/7/2022 at 10:13 AM, ChessieCat said:

Instead of stating "how difficult" which infers that you are expecting the possibility that things might be hard, I think it would be better to say:

 

"Too early to say how this last reduction is affecting me."

 

The way you stated it has negativity attached to it.  This is an emotive response.

 

My rewording has a neutral tone.  This is a factual response.

 

It is very easy to get stuck in a pattern of "stinking thinking".

[Roserdl]

Hi Danny. I thought I would write and share a little of what is helping me.  I had a very severe crash from zoloft cold turkey 3 months ago.  I was partially paralyzed among many other extreme symptoms.  I am still not healed but I think I did some things which are helping speed things up.  I did reinstate out of desperation but not sure how much that helped.   What definitely did help was multiple cold showers a day which significantly reduced inflammation and tremendously managed panic and anxiety and the sensation of brain burning which is now gone. I also take a supplement called cytokine suppress which is Mung Bean extract and green tea extract.  If you can reduce the brain inflammation you can aid the healing.   I had severe brain fog and depersonalization which is entirely gone now.  I am fully present now and the missing cognitive thoughts and feeling like a part of my brain is missing is gone.  I also take MCT oil and follow a keto diet.  I am starting to walk more naturally and use my hands when I talk.  And my old gestures seem to be coming back.  I lost 25 lbs in a month because I was so sick and couldn't eat or tolerate food.  My weight is fully stabilized and starting to get a bit of appetite in evening.   Lots of other improvements as well.   I still am dealing with blunting of positive emotions and some residual reduced body sensations and visual floaters and very slightly occasional off perception. But considering I was partially paralyzed and couldn't walk or talk straight, I think I'm progressing well especially because I was on zoloft on and off for years.   I also am listening to positive healing hypnosis. At night and binural beats.  I walk for exercise.  Sit in the sun.  Journal.  Don't get me wrong.  I struggle every day with severe apathy and feeling mostly lower emotions although my range is expanding and I do work to get one genuine laugh in once a day.   But now I can at least consistently cry real tears. And the level 100 panic attacks ate gone.   I was totally blunted to start.  I tell myself if I could get this far in three months I can keep it up and try to believe myself.  Your brain can heal.  If your theory of your brain not knowing how to heal is simply wrong because if it didn't all the people who have regained full emotional and cognitive function would never have gotten better.  This is the expected outcome.  Believe me.  I get very negative all the time but work to counter with positive talks and calling people who list my improvements to me over and over.   Give yourself extreme credit for working out and getting this far You might want to look up on exercise and try to adjust for brain inflammation.   Get the inflammation down as this is core to healing. And don't get too freaked by others stories as everyone's journey is different.  Message me anytime.   You can and will heal.   Say it even if it doesn't feel true.  It does start to kick in by repetition.