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Scrountz: once again facing problems with AD meds


Scrountz

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My journey with AD meds began as a ten year old. I had difficulty with anxiety and panic attacks, and after consultation with a Psychiatrist I was put onto Fluoxetine 20mg, tapering up to 40mg over time. I honestly have few memories of how I tolerated the drug at the time, and assume it was alright, because I don't remember any strong side effects and I discontinued without issue. 

 

I would spend years of my life free from AD, until 2011-2012. In November 2011, during a relatively positive period of my life, I experimented with psychedelics and had a really bad mushroom trip. The experience left me feeling persistently depersonalized and anxious. I thought I was going crazy. After a month of suffering in silence, I finally experienced a kind of "breakdown", went to hospital, received some psychiatric support, and my family doctor suggested I once again go on AD meds.

 

I was given a sample pack of Escitalopram 5mg. I took a dose that afternoon, which was very activating for me (anxiety, akathisia), however this resolved within a few hours and I felt some semblance of "normal". The following morning, a few hours prior to my next dose, I started to again experience akathisia and anxiety. This was significantly intensified compared to the previous day, to the point where I had to compulsively pace. I managed to go to a counselling session that afternoon, but upon returning home, and prior to taking my second dose, I dipped into a black and suicidal depression. I did take another dose I believe, or half a dose, before going to the emergency room. I was assessed and sent home, and saw my doctor the next day.

 

He prescribed me Venlafaxine 37.5 mg, feeling this might be a better fit for me. At this point I was anxious to take any other medication, but was also fearful of not being on medication, given that I felt I was going "crazy" after my mushroom trip. I took my dose when I got home, which was similarly activating, however I seemed to tolerate this a little bit better. The next day, I did not experience an adverse reaction and was able to take a second dose, and so began to stabilize. After 3-4 days, I was feeling mostly like myself, albeit I had some mild side effects, and continued to experience depersonalization.

 

I was pleased to see myself stabilize and feel more normal, and especially to have markedly less anxiety. I went about four weeks without issue. At around four weeks in, I had to have a procedure done on my gums due to gum recession. As part of this, I needed to take Amoxicillin (an antibiotic) for a week after the procedure. I did this without issue, but within 2-3 days of discontinuing the amoxicillin, I started to experience increased anxiety, and once again went through periods of black depression where I felt suicidal. Another trip to the emergency room yielded no help, and I saw my doctor again, who I believe suspected a drug interaction and prescribed me an increased dose of Venlafaxine (75mg). I asked my doctor for a referral to a Psychiatrist. At this point, I was pretty sick of the roller coaster and, against medical advice, I tried to go cold turkey. I made it about two days before I was so emotionally labile, depressed and suicidal that I couldn't tolerate it. Another trip to the emergency room and I decided to go back onto my regular dose (37.5 mg). Within a few days I was again stabilized and feeling mostly normal again. 

 

During this bleak period, I researched incessantly, and this is when I began to discover the concept of an SSRI discontinuation syndrome, and specifically Venlafaxine's nasty reputation for being difficult to get off of. I also discovered this forum, and advice on tapering protocols and safe discontinuation. I decided I wanted to get off of Venlafaxine as soon as I could, and after giving myself a week or two to continue to stabilize and prepare, I began a gradual taper. I used the method of opening the capsule and pouring out a set number of beads. I started with five beads, which I felt was modest, and after a week and noticing no ill effects, and I upped it to ten beads. I was okay for about 2-3 days, but after this I began to experience increased anxiety, dysphoria and insomnia. After five or six days, I once again went into a black, suicidal depression, and I decided to resume my regular dose, where I stabilized again in a couple of days.

 

I was now feeling truly trapped. I was terrified to taper again, feeling I'd be back in the same spot as before. I continued to research but was demoralized by the horror stories I saw of people who similarly just could not get off of Venlafaxine. I did, however, encounter the idea of a Fluoxetine Bridge, and this concept intrigued me and seemed to hold some promise. I kept this in mind to discuss with the Psychiatrist I was scheduled to see in a couple of months.

 

When I did meet with the psychiatrist, he was thorough and mostly helpful. He was sympathetic to my plight, and expressed an appreciation for the reputation of Venlafaxine. He also seemed to understand my hesitance to remain on AD meds or try any new ones. We came up with a plan to try a Fluoxetine Bridge, and in the event that failed to transition me to a natural remedy like St. John's Wort. He prescribed me a single 20mg dose of Fluoxetine.

 

I waited another month or so after the appointment. At this point it was June and I had been on Venlafaxine for close to six months. I would go back to the same forum posts I had read of successful bridges to reassure myself. There were also three doses of Fluoxetine 10mg in the medicine cabinet that my sister had left and I figured if I needed to extend the bridge a little bit I could. Eventually, feeling ready, one morning I took the plunge. I skipped my Effexor dose and substituted it instead for the Fluoxetine 20mg dose. I was pretty worried about how it was going to go, but like the other AD meds I had taken, it was activating but tolerable. I had anxiety/akathisia for a few hours which eventually subsided, and that evening I felt mostly normal. I took Fluoxetine 10mg the following two days, and after this decided to go drug free. Those doses were also tolerable, and after this I went about three days feeling symptom free and pretty good. On the fourth day, I had a mostly positive day, but I did notice some dysphoria/anxiety in the evening. I took another 10 mg dose the next day, and after this I didn't have any more symptomatic days. I successfully bridged off Venlafaxine.

 

I promised myself then that I would never go back on AD meds, barring significant circumstances, and that if I did, I would only go on Fluoxetine, given the ease with which I could come off of it. I've gone ten years without taking AD meds, and during this time I did struggle, sometimes significantly, with anxiety and depression related to specific things going on in my life, but I managed cope. I did get some help from a counsellor as well. I'm not the healthiest person, but I've managed.

 

Recently, however, I felt compelled to resume AD meds. I'm currently in graduate school to become a counsellor, and my training has brought up significant anxiety in me as I've worked through old, maladaptive patterns of being and worked to develop myself to be a more mature and effective person to help my clients. I suppose there were parts of this work that I maybe wasn't ready for, and which kind of blindsided me. I started to having difficulty sleeping and went through bouts of anxiety that caused me to miss work and practicum days. The whole stress of the experience got me considering resuming medication, just to take the edge off, as I really do need to be able to finish my program.

 

This all really came to a head in November 2021, and as part of helping me cope, I decided to start taking 5-HTP. My fiancé had some lying around that she had never used, and I figured it being a natural product, would be mild and unlikely to make a difference. The tablets were slow release 200mg, which I realize now was an inappropriately large dose. I found them mild activating when taking them, but not nearly as strong as AD medication. I took one pill a day for four days, and then started noticing some sexual side effects, so I decided to stop. The first day I stopped, I started to notice agitation, anxiety and emotionally lability consistent with AD discontinuation syndrome. A quick search confirmed my fears: 5-HTP has a really short half life and was known to sometimes cause discontinuation problems. Within a day or two, I was a mess psychologically, though thankfully not suicidal. I did eventually break down and try to "taper" by taking pills cut in half, but ultimately I decided it was probably best to resume AD meds, specifically Fluoxetine, and then taper off of this.

 

I went to a walk in clinic and was prescribed Fluoxetine 10mg. I really didn't want a higher dose. I began taking it, and found it activating and difficult at first as usual, but eventually the doses became easier to take. I did notice after a few days of consistently taking the medication some difficulty sleeping, dry mouth, headaches, etc., but no sexual side effects, and it also began to work as advertised, blunting my mood and reducing my anxiety. After some reflection, I figured it might be a good idea to just keep taking it until my program is over in April 2022, in which case I would taper off of it then. I've been taking it for 31 days, and while it hasn't been perfect, with some anxiety and gloomy moods periodically arising, its been mostly effective and I felt fine to continue. 

 

Yesterday, however, at around 5pm when I got home from work, I noticed myself feeling persistently tense and anxious. This quickly slipped into a black mood, a deep depression which wouldn't life. Within a couple of hours I was feeling very depressed and even suicidal. I sought support from my fiancé, and agreed to see a doctor in the morning. I saw a doctor in the morning, who was unfortunately dismissive of my concerns, felt the medication was not causing my symptoms and that it was the nature of the illness that I would experience these dark moods, and discouraged me from discontinuing. He did however acknowledge that I knew myself best and encouraged me to take a couple of days without and see how I feel. Today has been a dark day, I've been feeling low and depressed all day, with only brief periods of a slightly improved mood. I did not take my regular 10mg dose this morning, and as of 5pm I feel only markedly better, perhaps 5-10%. I've had some crying periods and inner tension and anxiety as well.

 

I don't believe I'm currently experiencing withdrawal symptoms, as a single missed dose of Fluoxetine is unlikely to bring this on immediately. I do however, believe I am having an adverse and paradoxical reaction to the medication, and am deeply concerned that the medical support I've sought is not taking this more seriously. I'm feeling very demoralized right now, concerned my brain is "broken", and fearful I might never feel better again. Unlike with my experience on Venlafaxine, where resuming the medication resulted in the resolution of adverse symptoms, I'm currently experiencing adverse  symptoms while actively and consistently taking my medication. I don't understand the neurochemical mechanisms of paradoxical effects of AD meds and its got me really scared. Has an epigenetic change occurred in me that will result in persistent feelings of depression/anxiety/suicidality that will never really resolve? And secondary in my mind, if I try to quit Fluoxetine cold turkey now, or even taper more gradually, am I likely to experience discontinuation symptoms that complicate the picture of my mental health?

 

At this I've read through the resources on this forum, which have been a helpful primer on some of my concerns and given me a sense of how to safely taper off Fluoxetine, should I choose to do so. What remains unresolved in me is that question, whether to taper or discontinue immediately. I'm concerned that if I continue to take Fluoxetine, even in gradually reduced doses, that I will continue to experience a depressed mood that leaves me feeling hopeless and wanting to die. Similarly however, I'm concerned that if I don't gradually taper, that I'm likely to experience discontinuation symptoms, which may result in the same symptoms anyway. I know no one on this forum is qualified to give me psychiatric advice, and I'm not looking for it, more just curious if anyone has had a similar experience, can offer me perspective, or even just words of encouragement and support would be helpful.

 

Thank you and I'm grateful this community exists. I will be posting regular updates to chronical my journey through this. 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Scrountz: Once again facing problems with AD meds

Welcome @Scrountz

I'm relieved you found this forum. Depression and feeling suicidal are known side effects of Prozac and other psych drugs. It is tragic that this is rarely acknowledged by medical professionals. Depression and feeling suicidal is also a known reaction to quitting these drugs. So it's a difficult situation to find oneself in and I understand your concerns. It is good to hear you are not alone.

 

Each time we start and stop a psychiatric drug our central nervous system becomes more and more sensitized. The risk of a bad reaction to restarting the drug or starting other drugs or supplements increases. This is likely the reason you are reacting badly now.

 

Have you been feeling suicidal today?

 

In the case of a severe adverse reaction our advice is to stop taking it. If you have been on the drug for more than a month, then a fast taper: Reduce by 50% and then 50% and then quit over a week or two.

 

You will risk withdrawal symptoms and as they are often mistaken for mental illness it is important to be educated about this:

What is withdrawal syndrome?

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

 

As there are common misconceptions about how these drugs work I found this post helpful to understand what is going on:

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain 

 

When we recover, there are times of feeling OK mixed in with times of feeling bad.  This is called windows and waves.

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization  

 

Aside from a high quality fish oil and magnesium, be careful with supplements. Your central nervous system (CNS) has become sensitized from psychiatric drug use and can react unpredictably. Alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and other mind altering substances can make the condition worse.

Important topics about tests, supplements, treatments, diet

 

Here is our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover. 

Symptoms and self care topics 

 

To help us better advise you, can you please create a signature with all of the drugs that you are taking and have been taking in the last couple of years following these instructions:

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

This is your Introductory topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Edited by Kiasofia

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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Thanks for the welcome Kiasofia. Reading this message has caused me tear up a bit, in a good way, as I feel understood, accepted and supported.

 

I've been doing better over the past couple of days. My adverse reaction came on on Thursday night. Friday was a rough day, however I skipped my dose and by the evening I was feeling about 10-15% better. No more thoughts of suicide, though still feeling anxious. Today I've again skipped my dose, and I would say I now feel about 20-30% better than a did Thursday night. Feeling much more like myself today, though still quite anxious, at times gloomy, have lost my appetite and have some difficulty concentrating. I'm a little bit concerned that skipping two doses in a row will lead to more problems further down the road, but I did want to see how I would feel rapidly discontinuing the drug, and I'm grateful to no longer be feeling debilitatingly depressed. 

 

I spoke to a family friend this morning who is a pharmacist and pharmacy researcher (Phd. in Pharmacy). She acknowledged the risk of depressogenesis with SSRIs and recommended a quick taper. Her recommendations, like my doctor's, are much briefer than the more conservative recommendations here, and I take them with a grain of salt. I do have a plan to ask my doctor for a liquid formulation of Fluoxetine tomorrow when I see him and to try a 7mg dose. Assuming I tolerate that okay, I may try a couple more, or move down to 5mg quite quickly. I understand I will likely have to bear some experience of withdrawal and am hoping for a mild experience. I am very anxious about a withdrawal syndrome, especially given my experience with Venlafaxine, but I think its good to acknowledge that I don't know what kind of experience I'm going to have, its likely to be easier due to it being Fluoxetine, and I can experiment with and hopefully manage a taper without issue.

 

I appreciate your recommendations around rapid tapers when adverse events are a factor, and I will do my best to try to follow that kind of tapering schedule should I be able to tolerate lower doses of the drug without adverse events. I'll keep you posted about how things are going for me.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Well I just wanted to post another follow-up update. I was hoping that today I would continue to experience a gradual though limited improvement in my symptoms. Unfortunately, over the course of the afternoon I have noticed an increase in anxiety and a building of muscle tension and inner tension. This has been less severe than feeling deeply depressed and suicidal, but is extremely uncomfortable and in many respects just as debilitating. I'm finding myself again unable to focus, feeling gloomier, and only really feel some comfort when I'm pacing. Feels kind of like classic akathisia. 

 

I fear this is a sign that I've entered withdrawal, as it certainly seems consistent with other's descriptions of common symptoms as well as my previous experiences trying to come off SSRIs. I'm frustrated because I was hoping that I wouldn't have this kind of experience, though at this point I feel its safe to throw all my previous assumptions and expectations out the window. I'm in new territory and I can't expect old theories I had built around my previous experiences to make sense. I've got to just take things one day at a time and do my best. 

 

As I mentioned earlier, tomorrow I'm going to try to reinstate and then rapid taper. I think I'm going to try a 5mg dose, either in liquid form or through opening a capsule. I'm praying this provides some relief, is tolerable, and does not result in an adverse experience again. In the event its even moderately helpful, I'll try to sustain a 5mg dose as long as I can, up to about a week, and then cut to 2.5mg, as I believe I still need to rapid taper off this medication. Hopefully this will result in a gentler, though I believe still inevitable, withdrawal experience. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Providing another update. Things continued to deteriorate for me over the evening, with increased tension, anxiety and bad feelings. While different from how it felt on Thursday night, it was no less uncomfortable, and had me roughly equally demoralized. I was able to sleep for a few hours, but I'm up now and was feeling awful. I made the decision to not delay my reinstatement any longer. I really feel like I need some sort of relief. I cracked open some capsules, which are unfortunately filled with a white powder, rather than granules. This made measuring out an accurate half dose impossible, but I did my best. I took roughly half? I'm not sure. I erred on the side of caution, taking the reinstatement advice that less is more, and things can always be increased if need be. I hope it wasn't too much. I am still hoping to get the liquid formulation tomorrow and start taking 5mg doses on Monday, and I suppose over the week if it feels insufficient I can always up to 6 or 7mg and try to stabilize there.

 

I'm scared. I don't want to go back to the depression I experienced from taking this medication regularly, but obviously my system isn't doing well without it. There is no well in hell I can go cold turkey, I know if I didn't reinstate I was heading for really severe withdrawal. I'm clinging to the idea that adverse reactions are often dose-dependent and that perhaps a lower dose will not precipitate such a reaction in me.

 

Here's hoping I experience some relief over the next few hours.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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It's good to hear you feel understood, accepted and supported. I find it unbelievable that when someone takes a pill, with a black box warning about suicidal feelings as a possible side effect, the drug is not the #1 suspect when these feelings emerge. I went through the same thing.

 

Have you been able to read the links I provided? These drugs do not work like aspirin. So stopping for a few days to see how you feel and then starting again is not a good strategy.

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain 

 

Now that you have taken 5mg-ish, plan a taper from there. Do not raise the dose. Your brain has had two days of nothing and needs to be handled with care. Any changes you make, will take a few days to register. Minimum 4 days, but with Fluoxetine it often takes a week or more.

 

Are you on any other medications? Do you take any supplements? Please set up a drug signature following these instructions.

How to List Drug History in Signature

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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@KiasofiaI think I figured out my signature. I'm not taking any other medication or supplements right now. Based on your advice I may start magnesium and fish oil.

 

It's been about 3 hours since my 5mg dose and I'm noticing a modicum of relief. I could feel some relaxation occurring in my body. I'm not expecting miracles here, just hoping to get to a place where I feel I can cope.

 

I did read the articles you provided. I appreciate that AD meds are not like Aspirin, perhaps more now than ever. I erroneously assumed that my previous negative experience with Venlafaxine was related to its short half life and that I wouldn't have the same issues with Fluoxetine. Obviously that is not the case and I'm struggling just as much as I was. I will not be going cold turkey moving forward as I can't see that helping me at all. I appreciate I need to help my nervous system experience some type of stability first, and then gradually reduce from there.

 

Gonna head to the doctor's soon and I'll let you know how that goes. Here's hoping he understands.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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So I spoke to a doctor at the clinic, the doctor who originally prescribed me Fluoxetine, and she was very sympathetic and concerned. She was open to supporting my plan to titration more slowly off of the medication and prescribed me Fluoxetine in a liquid format.

 

I got home with my fiancé and I cried for a few minutes in her arms. The crying helped, but my mood has only gotten worse since we got back. We talked frankly about the prospects of how I'm going to be doing over the next while, including my elevated risk for suicide, and did some safety planning. I'm so grateful for her support but always very worried right now that this experience will be really hard on her too. 

 

I cant say I'm feeling any better today. In fact, significantly worse, and perhaps the worst I've felt since Thursday. The anxiety and tension has slipped back into a deepened depression, which is very concerning.

 

I intend to take another 5mg dose tomorrow and to give it a shot for a few days. At this point I can't distinguish between withdrawal and adverse reaction so I might as well focus on the one thing I can control, which is minimizing withdrawal. If things get to be too much I might seek hospitalization or see about cross-tapering to a different medication that I can be more stable on, and then try to taper off of that. I'm definitely feeling hopeless. Like many of you understand for sure, this is truly the most hellish of experiences.

 

I think maybe later today or tomorrow I'll try to start taking an inventory of symptoms I'm experiencing to give me a more concrete sense of what this like for me.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Just another update, as things keep changing for me very rapidly. This afternoon I continued to experience deepened depression and this has resulted again in suicidal ideation. I did take a walk with my fiancé and a friend, as I can't really change how I'm feeling anyway, but the whole time I was just absolutely depressed, so so deeply depressed. This has engendered a new level of hopelessness in me. I'm really not sure I can tolerate any more Fluoxetine at all without this being triggered for me. It actually feels a little bit worse than it did on Thursday, though at the end of the day, it's hard to gage. I'm debating between taking another reduced dose (maybe 2.5-4mg) or just taking no more Fluoxetine, as I'm not sure I can handle any more of this drug at all.

 

This leaves me with only one option, apart from Psychiatric care and perhaps trying to stabilize on a different medication, and that is to go through withdrawal. I honestly don't know if I'm able to tolerate that either. Even two missed doses resulted in feelings that, although different, were equally intolerable to the suicidal depression. I think the only safe route for me may be stabilization on another med.

 

I did speak to my father and my sister tonight. I live in a different city than my family but my father offered to fly up to be with me for a little bit. Alternatively, I've considered going back to where he lives. My fiancé has to work still and can't monitor me all the time, but my family is in a better position to do that. This brought me a little bit of hope for a little while, though I'm afraid the black feeling of depression and anxiety is consuming me once more. I'm truly feeling hopeless.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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9 hours ago, Scrountz said:

I think the only safe route for me may be stabilization on another med.

This is not a safe route, as the many fates on this forum show. Especially a sensitized brain is likely to react badly to a new drug. The safest course of action is to get off fluoxetine, and let your brain heal. You might be able to tolerate a very low dose, like 1mg, but you might need to get off completely. Be prepared that it can take several months to stabilize, no matter what you do.

 

I recommend Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker (interview) as well as A straight talking introduction to psychiatric drugs by Joanna Moncrieff to better understand these drugs and their effects. The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry also has a lot of good information.

 

I'm relieved that you have people who can care for you. I would do what it takes to not be alone at this time.

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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I dont think I can take another dose of Fluoxetine, even a small one. This last night has been the most depressed and suicidal I've felt ever. It has gotten a little bit better as time has gone on from my previous dose, but I worry I'll be right back into a black pit of despair if I take even a smaller dose today, and at this point I don't think I can handle that, I'd probably end up hospitalized.

 

Reading through some other people's stories I am convinced that I'm unlikely to have a positive experience on any other medication. I'd be pretty afraid to try anything at this point, and given I've been taking Fluoxetine, I'm likely barred from other options for a couple of weeks anyway due to the elevated risk of Serotonin-Syndrome. I'm not so sure I'll be able to make it all that far into withdrawal without receiving some psychiatric support though. My family loves me but they're unlikely to let me suffer without trying to convince me to see a psychiatrist and get on something else. There will be strong pressure from many people in my life, and it will be good intentioned. I'm not sure if I can convince them that the best course involves me suffering unaided for months on end.

 

What I experienced Saturday, which I believe was the beginning of withdrawals, was just as bad as the suicidal depression I've been experiencing last night. I remember comment to my fiancé that "this feels worse, less tolerable." It's pretty strong Akathisia coupled with intense anxiety and a different but still awful feeling of depression. While I wasn't as focused on suicide, it was so uncomfortable I found it unbearable not to try to take some small dose of my medicine in order to find some relief. I'm scared too because I know that's only day one, and that withdrawal tends to intensify over 3-5 days, and with Fluoxetine maybe even longer, before it starts to get any "better". If I'm already finding 2 days off a dose unbearable, what's day 4 gonna be like? Day 6? 

 

My dad is flying up Wednesday and staying with me until Sunday. I have the option to fly back with him too, which I might take him up on. I have a friend coming over today to be with me while my fiancé is at work. She'll probably take tomorrow off. I am going to go to the hospital today to speak to a psychiatric nurse and see about an emergency Psychiatric consult, but I appreciate that any option they have for me may just be throwing gasoline on the fire at this point. Still, I'm an extremely high risk for suicide and may need intensive care of some sort. My life is at stake, and I've got to try to make some responsible decision here to keep myself safe. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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1 hour ago, Scrountz said:

There will be strong pressure from many people in my life, and it will be good intentioned. I'm not sure if I can convince them that the best course involves me suffering unaided for months on end.

I've been in the same situation. I hope you can avoid hospitalization. I didn't. Please do what it takes to protect yourself from self harm, but try not to scare people into getting you forced care, where you lose the right to control what gets put in your body. The fact is that taking other drugs can make you worse. It is therefore possible to say yes to a prescription, even get the drugs, but not take them, without it proving that you haven't taken them.  "I don't feel any better" or "I feel worse" is a common response from someone who HAS taken another drug.

 

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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@KiasofiaYes as it stands now my preference is to just move forward with withdrawal. I won't be taking another dose of Fluoxetine today because I can't stand the thought of going back into a state of depression like that. I'm not sure whats ahead for me but I'd rather move in the direction of no drugs then to perpetuate this and end up in an even worse position.

 

The depression has lifted for me this morning now, however I feel the agitation and anxiety beginning to set in. Right now it's moderate and manageable. I have some calls to make this morning and will talk to both parents, and try to prime them on the need to trust me and my judgement around this. I'm also taking a ten day leave of absence from work, which I might extend depending on how this goes. I'm trying to remain optimistic, and in speaking to my fiancé I think right now she doesn't want me to catastrophise the future or spell out too bleak of a prognosis. This is supposed to be a big year for us. We're both on track to finish graduate school in April, to move back to our home region, and to get married in September. These are things I still desperately want to be able to do.

 

I'm trying to focus on the present and take things minute by minute, day by day. I understand this is the best approach. I'm putting into place short term plans that will support my safety and stability, which is all I can really ask for. I will try to get my loved ones on board and that may be hard or not possible, but yes, no hospitalization and ideally no more meds.

 

It's nice to have even a shred of optimism this morning, after such a bleak afternoon yesterday. I hope I retain this as I move into the coming days.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Sending you all the hope and strength I can. Although you do feel the effects of missing a dose or two now, you may not face a tough withdrawal in addition to recovering from the adverse reaction. Let's hope for the best. Recovering from an adverse reaction does take time though.

Adverse reactions to an antidepressant within a few doses -- how long for recovery?

 

Here is another resource page for father/fiancé: https://medicatingnormal.com/

 

Do keep us updated on how you are doing.

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

Link to comment

@KiasofiaThat makes me feel more hopeful. Reading that article on adverse reactions I'm encouraged to know that, though the process is similar to SSRI withdrawal, that it sometimes remits earlier.

 

Thinking back on my history now, its clear that my first dose of Escitalopram in 2012 precipitated an adverse reaction that has likely predisposed my nervous system to this kind of thing. I was suicidal after a single dose, and likely should have been encouraged to stop all serotonergic medications after that, instead of being prescribed more. No wonder, despite my belief in the relative safety of Fluoxetine to my nervous system, that I'm having the reaction I am now.

 

Today has been very hard but manageable so far. The morning was a little bit brighter, with some periods of optimism. I did suffer significant tension, akathisia and anxiety this morning, as well as some deep dysphoric moods, though each has seemed to pass in turn with time. I was expecting to maybe feel more overwhelmed like I did Saturday evening/Sunday morning, where I really felt I needed a dose for relief, however so far while extremely uncomfortable, I'm managing.

 

My friend came over around 10:30. She is great. Like me, she is a counsellor in training. She kept me occupied and I was safe to talk through my feelings with her. We got lunch and went for a walk. During the walk I felt a surge of energy, and almost maybe little hypomanic? I felt good and bad at the same time. It was really uncomfortable but it did pass too. After the walk I went and picked up some melatonin and some Lemon Balm tea. I was starting to feel very overstimulated so we came back home. I put some calming music on, took care of a few things regarding work, and then drank a very small amount of a cup of Lemon Balm tea (perhaps 1/12). My anxiety began to subside but has been replaced more by dysphoria. When I feel more depressed or dysphoric, it scares me, as I worry I am slipping back into a suicidal depression. So far today its been really uncomfortable, at times very hard, but has not gone back to that darkest of moods yet. My fiance is home now and I'm going to go and be with her through the evening. I'll keep you posted about how tonight and tomorrow go. Here is hoping I get a bit of sleep. I'm going to follow Altostrata's recommendation on melatonin, which I've used a lot in the past without issue, but try a smaller dose tonight and see how that goes. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Just wanted to write another update. It's 6pm now and I feel mostly "normal" for the first time since this ordeal started. Emotions are relatively calm down. No significant tension. No depressed mood. On the one hand I couldn't be happier, but On the other hand it kind of scares me. Now I feel like I have something to lose. I suppose I was feeling similar to this on Saturday morning, though not quite as good. It demoralized me quite a bit to see myself start to fall apart heading into Sunday. I think the notion I held earlier, that all my preconceptions need to be thrown out the window, is actually helpful here. When I was taking Venlafaxine and having issues discontinuing, my symptoms followed a very predictable pattern that revolved around my dosage pattern. Generally I felt worst in the late afternoon, when my dose would have been fully absorbed (I always take doses in the morning). Normally, especially when I was resuming my normal dose, I would start to feel better by the evening and this window widened the longer I was consistently dosing.

 

These few days have been very different. Severe symptoms have emerged unpredictably. About the only pattern I feel quite confident in right now is fluoxetine=suicidal depression. Am I likely to feel awful again tomorrow? I can't even say confidently that I will. So maybe I need to just be content with this window I have, and remain open to what comes tomorrow.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment
12 hours ago, Scrountz said:

I'm going to follow Altostrata's recommendation on melatonin, which I've used a lot in the past without issue, but try a smaller dose tonight and see how that goes. 

Good to hear you are familiar with this.

 

12 hours ago, Scrountz said:

Thinking back on my history now, its clear that my first dose of Escitalopram in 2012 precipitated an adverse reaction that has likely predisposed my nervous system to this kind of thing. I was suicidal after a single dose, and likely should have been encouraged to stop all serotonergic medications after that, instead of being prescribed more.

Yes, a medical professional should have steered clear of prescribing psych drugs after such a reaction. The norm is that they do the opposite. Keep trying new drugs.

 

It is good that you are not in constant distress. That there are good moments.  The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization  is also how recovery from an adverse reaction is.

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

Link to comment

I did get some sleep last night, which was huge, because I basically didn't sleep at all the night before. I took a 2mg dose of melatonin, which was pretty gentle but did ultimately help me fall asleep. Right now my sleep pattern does involve a nighttime awakening, normally around 3am. I normally wake up feeling anxious and dysphoric. This happened on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, with Saturday being the only one where I could not get back to sleep after waking up, as I was filled with too much anxiety and tension. Last night these feelings did subside and I've slept again until about 6:30am.

 

My cat broke a glass in the bathroom sink this morning. I went and cleaned it up without issue, but it triggered a lot of anxiety in me. I started having fears that small pieces of glass were still on my hands, and would cut me, or even that a piece of glass would end up in my water glass and I would accidentally drink it. I'm labeling these fears as Neuro-emotions, because of their exaggerated quality. I was known to have anxieties like this sometimes before going on medication, so I'm also seeing it as an opportunity to begin applying new self care skills to an old problem that I hadn't worked through before. It's very hard. These fears are hard to face. I have a deep fear of dying. I'd say my anxiety has subsided a bit now, and Journaling about this is also helpful as it clarifies what I'm facing.

 

This morning is definitely more anxiety than yesterday morning. Additionally, my fiancé is struggling with her own anxiety right now, which is hard. I'm doing my best to be supportive of her but in the context of my feelings right now, it's really hard. We can at least both collude in being an anxious mess with each other today, and there is some safety in that.

 

I'll lean into other parts of my support network today if it feels like too much for her. I can reach out to my parents, friends, write more on this forum, and still talk to her if I need to.

 

I've decided against going to see the Psych nurse for now. I don't know that they can do anything in the immediate for me anyway, and the longer I go the more averse I feel to the idea of hospitalization or additional psychiatric care. My feelings may change today though and that's okay too. I did book an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the University I attend for Friday. I feel it will be helpful to speak to her and at least she can support me to extend my leave at work if need be, as well as refer me to a consulting Psychiatrist that comes to the University if I want that.

 

How today goes will probably tell me a little bit more about what's in store for me, though I'm hesitant to put too much stock in the notion of patterns just yet. Again, I've been challenged constantly to reevaluate my assumptions about how these medications work and what coming off of them is like. This is not the same as my Venlafaxine withdrawal, which always ended in disaster. So I'm going to remain open to what the day brings and just do my best.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Journaling seems to be helping me cope so I'm going to keep doing it. This morning is getting kind of hard. What I'm feeling right now feels different than any other day so far. Feeling dysphoric, anxious, a little hypersensitive, and a little "out of it". These are all tolerable right now but my anxiety is activated and something in my body is really disturbed by these feelings none the less. It does seem that nothing I'm experiencing is following a predictable pattern, which is reassuring on the one hand ("Okay, I know I'm not guaranteed to be experiencing THAT kind of thing today") but is also scary on the other hand ("I feel so out of control. Whats next for me?") I'm going to try to stay present on whats happening right now, and just work to cope with it. I can't prepare myself for feelings that may or may not arise in the future, but I can try to deal with things as they arise.

 

The other thing I'm starting to notice is stuff coming up that feels very much for like "me". Like intensified versions of stuff that I wasn't really dealing with prior to going on the medication. This is actually kind of a reassuring thing as well, that I'm "still there", but its also challenging me to face this stuff that I was kind of trying to push away before hand. For instance, I'm feeling pretty guilty about taking time off work and having to end my practicum early. I have a long standing pattern of doing too much in my life, and of pushing myself beyond my limits, and parts of me still feel inclined to this and don't like that I'm shutting everything down right now. I've tried to confront this pattern before but never really been successful, always telling myself that I'll start to take it easier and do less later in life, after I've achieved some milestone, which of course never happens. Right now I'm forced to really reconcile with this tendency and face the fact that, whether I want it to be or not, now everything is too much for me. 

 

So in general I've been thinking about that more, how I've fled my problems in different ways over my life, and how using medication was a kind of way of fleeing these problems still. Perhaps this paradoxical reaction, as awful and devastating as it has been, is none the less a wakeup call that there really is no shortcut to a healthy self, and that I need to make massive changes in my lifestyle to better support my wellness. Certainly right now I have no choice, and in a way something about that feels gratifying, to feel really forced to put myself back together. In a way I don't really want to just magically feel better right away. I want to have to earn my wellness a little bit, through my own efforts and through authentically enacting healthy change in my life. Whatever the result of this experience, I know I'll be forever changed in that regard, and I just can't see myself going back to an old lifestyle based on poor coping.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Just writing another update. This morning was punctuated by another period of feeling "okay" for a little while. My fiance and I talked for a while about my thoughts about self-care and making big lifestyle changes. I feel like that notion was coming from a place deep inside of me, a wise place that is interpreting this experience not just as meaningless suffering, but as a call for me to change my life in big ways. While the call feels intimidating to answer, it also feels too powerful to ignore now. Life has brought me to a place where my wellness needs to come first.

 

Since then my emotions have rollercoastered a bit. We went out for a bit, just to get out of the house and to run an couple of errands, and while out I was definitely getting hit with waves of anxiety, a little bit of tension, and some moments of depression. The depressed feeling scared me, because it had me worried that I would be slipping into a more deepened and depressed state, however driving home and sharing how I was feeling with my fiance, it lifted. I had a similar short period of depression yesterday that didn't last, and actually proceeded me feeling more and more "normal" as time went on.

 

I've been texting my sister my feelings on a scale of 1-10. Yesterday was like a 5-3-7 (morning-afternoon-evening). Today has been more like a 4-7-5-4 just from morning early afternoon. I'd say today overall has been easier than yesterday, but still challenging. We're home now and I'm going to watch a show I like and potentially take an epsom salt bath later. I'll write another post this evening.

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

A couple hours later and I'm slipping downwards to a 3. Man is hard to lose a sense of optimism and good feeling. I've at times felt tense and anxious and at times slipped into depression. I'm feeling pretty depressed right now. Not suicidally depressed, but low and sad. I was ruminating for a bit about my father coming to visit. As much as I appreciate the support, I'm anxious to have him here. My father is not the most well versed in emotional caring. He can be a bit of a fixer. He loves me, but I'm worried I may have to battle him a bit to be simply a caring presence that just supports me. When we spoke yesterday he reassured me the ball was in my court and he just wanted to keep me safe and do what he can to help. I just worry though that if he sees me really rough (which I seem to be getting now) that he may try to push pretty hard for Psychiatric care. Having even brief moments of optimism has got me feeling like maybe I can do this without having to go back onto any medication. This gloomy funk coming over me makes me feel the opposite, that I may be heading for an even bigger crash, and that the worst is yet to come.

 

Right now I'm mustering everything I can to stay positive, but maybe that parts of the problem. My sense from reading through other's experiences is that acceptance is a huge part of the process, and that those that don't fight the process, and instead take it one step at a time, seem to do better than those who try to fight for a sense of "normalcy" which is at the time impossible for them to experience. I'm going to try to just open to the depression coming over me now, even if it is very difficult. I can be confident with time that it too shall pass. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

I've got to laugh because I've already got my apprentice badge, I've been posting so much, but these frequent posts, especially today, are helping me to keep track of how things are going.

 

It's about 5:30 now and things have been a bit of a mixed bag, but all tolerable. I had another period of depression that only last about 15-20 minutes, and have mostly been anxious and tense. I want to make a point right now, also as part of reassuring myself, that tonight I have not been experiencing the awful combination of anxiety, tension and gloom that I found so unbearable on Saturday evening. I have, however, not necessarily experienced the kind of respite that I experienced last night. As I said though, things are manageable. I'm uncomfortable but my mood is okay right now and I'm making it work. I've been digging into self care today and trying to stretch myself to really open up to and accept the feelings that I'm having.

 

As an aside, I should point out that some of my symptoms have become more physical. I've have a couple of moments of dizziness today, brief periods of flu like feelings, and lots of parathesisa, especially burning on my face, ears and neck. I also notice a strange sensation down my spine every once in a while, a kind of spinal tension or just acute feeling of discomfort running through my spine. I almost welcome physical symptoms over deep depression, anxiety or tension, though obviously they're not exactly easy either. But yeah, my symptom profile is changing over time.

 

Will I post again in a couple of hours? It's quite possible. At least I've got a bit of a sense of humor right now.

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Just one more for good measure. It's 8pm now and things are still feeling manageable. I've been watching TV with my fiancé and my mood, while still up and down, has been manageable. I've been able to joke around a little bit and be silly, as well as connect with the show I'm watching. I don't feel as good as I did last night, but I feel a lot better than Saturday night. I have a little bit of hope right now. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I made it through today. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Its about 11:30 today now and so far my mood has been fairly stable today. I did have some anxiety last night around 2am, but was able to get back to sleep. My sleep quality is low right now but I am sleeping and that's all that really matters.

 

I'm feeling a lot more like "me" today. I spent the morning talking to a friend and found myself able to think a little more clearly and show an interest in him and our discussion. Telling him my story was really hard and did bring on some bad feelings, but they didn't last. I did find myself kind of getting agitated the more we talked. My friend is very extroverted and a good conversationalist, but I don't know that he quite understood how hypersensitive my nervous system was. I set some boundaries though and gently ended the call with him and am taking a break now. I just tried an epsom salt bath and it was a little relaxing but I also found it a little bit overestimating so I ended it early.

 

My fiancé is working today but will be home soon from lunch to check in on me. My father's flight was unfortunately cancelled and I'm not sure if he is going to be able to make it up here today. I'm a little anxious about this, but actually feeling more okay today, I'm not as worried as I would have been a couple of days ago.

 

My mood has been much more stable today than yesterday and the day before. I'm also noticing fewer physical symptoms and generally feel okay. I think it's important to lean into that, as much as the anxious parts of me still worry that this going to get worse once more. Right now the evidence in front of me is pointing to me feeling more and more like myself, and that could be a sign that I'm not in for a difficult or protracted withdrawal. I want to have hope, as scary as it seems to grasp that right now.

 

This morning I'm also thinking more about how this experience has traumatized me. It feels safer to not go into the details of that right now but suffice it to say that my nervous system instability may be more a consequence of the deep fear and horror that came from unpredictably facing sudden suicidality, more than it comes from coming off the medication. Tomorrow I see a counsellor and I'll have a chance to reflect on that a bit with them. For now, safety first.

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Well its 4:00 now and the day has been mostly okay,  though after noon I did start to get lower. I was feeling quite anxious for a while and texted my sister to help me get grounded, and she helped me do a 5-4-3-2-1 and that did help. At around 2ish depression started to visit. When depression visits, I get scared. Is this going to be more suicidality? If depression comes today, will it come tomorrow even worse? It has lingered and brought me kind of low around 2:30, however it has begun to subside and I'm feeling myself having more energy about it. I texted a friend for a while and we talked about how I was feeling and the importance of accepting what's coming up for me. That helped me weather it. Its shifted now into anxiety, which I'm sure will again shift into something else later, and so on. Hard to stay open always. 

 

I've posted a bit on some of the other forums today, sharing my experience, and I gotta say, connecting with some of the other people on here has been really nice. I've never been someone to be very social online before with strangers, but it feels good to contribute some hope to others, as I've been fortunate enough to have some success over the years despite the very awful experience I'm going through right now. I hope to remain a contributing member of this community for a long time, no matter how my recovery goes.

 

I'm writing a poem now, something I haven't done in a long time. I'm noticing my habits have shifted. I used to be an avid gamer but I can't bring myself to game at all this week. It feels too intense and overwhelming. Mostly I'm keeping things simple and soothing and that is helping. My father managed to catch another plane and will be here tonight. I'm hoping for a manageable evening and a good night.

 

Edit: I forgot to add my supplement regimen, for those who are curious.

 

- 5 fish oil pills in the morning with breakfast (2000mg EPA, 1000mg DHA). I have some cans of sardines as well and had one for lunch yesterday. Each can has about 2 grams total of Omega 3s, not sure of the ratios of EPA/DHA

- 4 Magnesium pills a day (125mg Magnesium Chelate- morning, lunch, afternoon, bedtime) 

- 3mg Melatonin and 2 grams Glycine at bed

- Lemon Balm tea or Chamomile tea as desired, normally in the afternoon or evening

 

I have no idea what's making a difference right now as things are changing rapidly, but it may be that the fish oil is really helping as I am feeling every day getting gradually easier.

 

3mg of Melatonin seems to bee enough for me, though it is taking me a while to get down at night. We go to bed at about 10 but I'm probably not actually falling asleep until 11:30 or so. 2 grams of glycine has been fine so far, and so I'll experiment with 3 tonight. In using it before I remember 4 grams being the sweet spot where I really started to notice difference so I might work up to that. 

 

I've been very conservative with Lemon Balm, I have yet to even drink half of a cup. I normally drink it when agitated. It does seem to help with calming but both times I've tried so far I've experienced some depression afterwards. Not sure if this is coincidental or an effect of the tea, will have to report more as I try it more.

 

Chamomile is fine. I can tolerate a whole cup. Seems to help mellow me a bit. Drank a cup last night and I think it helped me relax through the evening. 

Edited by Scrountz
Forgot to add this

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

My Dad arrived tonight. It's nice to have him here, but it did engender some fears in me. He had to fly, and I'm worried about Covid now. If he or my fiancé or I got Covid right now, during this time when I'm vulnerable, it would be really hard. It could make everything so difficult. It's got me really worried, and its hard to shake the fear. It comes and goes, and I see it partly as a symptom, since I've been cautious and responsible during the pandemic but not overly anxious about getting Covid or dying from it.

 

Driving out the airport and picking him up was a little much. Plus a third body in our apartment makes the place feel cramped. My cat also doesn't like people he isn't familiar with and I'm worried about him stressing me out when he inevitably attacks my father. I'm starting to worry this visit may do more harm than good, as I'm so hypersensitive. I had go just go lie down in bed right now because the stress is a little much for me right now.

 

On another note, today has been manageable and easier than yesterday. I continued to be symptomatic until about 7pm when a new window appeared. Certainly today still presented many challenges, and continues to do so, but from a symptom perspective it's encouraging to see consistent windows. It gives me some hope that I'm going to be able to heal.

 

I hope I can sleep tonight. Normally I'd be putting my phone down right now and hitting the hay but having to pick my dad up late and get him settled means I probably won't go down until 11 or even 12 tonight. God I hope the cat doesn't give him a hard time. My sleep is fragile at best and I'd hate for this to tip it over. I have to remind myself that only 3 days ago, I was at high risk of taking my own life. I have to remind myself that being close to caring family right now is a good thing. Having compassionate others with me during the day is a good thing. I have to believe it's gonna be okay.

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

It's 9am this morning and last night ended up being manageable but hard. I think it's less WD stuff and more just "me". It certainly seemed to have an origin and so in a way I feel better about that. This morning I do feel a lot more like "me", more so than at any point in the last few days. I'm encouraged that every window seems to be a little brighter and a little bit better.

 

I think as "me" starts to come back online, I'm challenged in a different way. Challenged to consider broader concerns like how I take care of myself generally, how I structure my life, and what kind of dynamics flow through me that aren't helpful or adaptive. I recall reading in one of the policy sections on this forum about "habits of mind". The moderators are quite right to point out that for many of us, we have problems beyond the WD experience that time and patience may not fix. I feel that is the case for me. I was an anxious, hypochondriac, easily ashamed person before taking this medication and that's likely to still be with me as I come back to myself. I'm going to need to really dig into myself to start to address those challenges in a broader way, because they were the things that brought me to this in the first place, and if I don't take more responsibility for them, they may just bring me back. Fortunately I'm no stranger to psychotherapy, having done my own for years, however I feel now I'm ready to intensify this process, really go into myself, and really make big change.

 

I'm hopeful today. I know there will be a wave this afternoon-evening. I'm ready to accept what comes and take care of myself. I'm going to heal.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment
17 hours ago, Scrountz said:

Edit: I forgot to add my supplement regimen, for those who are curious.

 

- 5 fish oil pills in the morning with breakfast (2000mg EPA, 1000mg DHA). I have some cans of sardines as well and had one for lunch yesterday. Each can has about 2 grams total of Omega 3s, not sure of the ratios of EPA/DHA

- 4 Magnesium pills a day (125mg Magnesium Chelate- morning, lunch, afternoon, bedtime) 

- 3mg Melatonin and 2 grams Glycine at bed

- Lemon Balm tea or Chamomile tea as desired, normally in the afternoon or evening

Please add this to your signature.

 

With Melatonin it is best to take a very low dose: Melatonin for sleep: Many people find it helpful

 

The search function on this site doesn't work very well. To find things on the forum I find the easiest is to type "survivingantidepressants.org + what you're searching for" into a search engine.

 

Good that you are hanging on and that your father has arrived. I'm not able to follow all the posts so please tag me if you need a direct response. (Write @ and then start typing my username. A drop down menu will appear. Click on my username and it will turn blue.)

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

Link to comment

Thanks for the replt @Kiasofia. I will tag you in the future if I want direct responses. I'm really finding Journaling often really helpful as a way of connecting with my feelings.

 

This morning has gotten really hard. I've found myself just so agitated, irritable and hypersensitive. I'm really not able to handle much right now, and having my Dad here has been really really hard. He means well and cares a lot about me, but having to accommodate him is very stressful. Even things like making him a cup of espresso this morning, because he doesn't know how to use the espresso maker, or helping him get oriented around our place, are so frustrating and exhausting. I have to take some ownership over this though because I know this isn't all the medication. I know in my family I played the peacemaker and I have compulsive caregiving tendencies that make setting boundaries and taking space for myself really hard. My dad isn't really asking a lot of me right now but I feel compelled to do more than I want to anyway. It's a lot of effort for me to set boundaries and take space, but I'm in my bedroom alone with the door closed right now because that just feels safer and easier.

 

Anger is in general a hard emotion for me to feel, so it's particularly scary that it's coming as part of today's challenges. Even on a good day I struggle to handle anger well, so I don't know that I quite feel ready to use tools to get through whatever anger may come with today's wave. I've got to tru my best though to accept the anger as I'm feeling it.

 

God I'm feeling so frustrated. I went to the counsellor this morning too and that was exhausting. Telling my story and trying to catch someone up who doesn't know me was frustrating. And again, she meant well, but the things she highlighted, reflected and framed for me just didn't feel quite what I needed.

 

I also got an email from work about filling out forms to go on a sick leave. Again, added stress. I have a meeting with a nurse practitioner tomorrow to go over how I'm doing and I think they can fill the forms out for me, however if not I'll have to go to a doctor again. I'm just worried in the assessment that I'm going to be rushed back to work or forced onto drugs again. I really don't want to end up seeing that one unsympathetic doctor who will not support me to stay off meds. God this is so frustrating! I'm so so so so so frustrated right now!!!!!

 

I'm going to go and look for tools to help me with my anger. I've got to do my best to hold on while I go through it and hopefully in time it subsides and I can approach things a little bit more clearly. Today is hard in a whole different way. Feeling tired of this.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

So its 8pm now and I'm doing pretty well. My emotional symptoms abated at about 3pm today. I reached out to a friend during the midst of my anger and agitation wave, and also went and sought the compassionate support of my father. I'm convinced that the compassionate and caring attention of others is the best possible medicine I can take for the emotional symptoms I'm experiencing. When I can express what I'm feeling and be supported and reassured, it helps me to accept the feeling. And then the feeling moves. What was agitation, anger and deep fear resolved to feeling safe, supported and loved.

 

I tried an Epsom Salt bath today and that also seemed to really sooth me even further. I felt more normal and relaxed than I've felt since this whole ordeal started.

 

Now, I have a headache and a lot of tension in my neck. I also had a minor wave of nausea but this has not intensified so far. I feel really tired now, which I'm taking as a good sign. I haven't been tired in a week, despite the exhausting gamut of symptoms I've experienced. I feel like I might have a better sleep tonight.

 

I have a lot more hope tonight. Things certainly don't seem to be getting worse. I have the support of my loved ones to help me weather whatever comes next, and with their help I can hopefully figure out how to structure my life over the next while in a way that feels safe and manageable. Tonight I'm genuinely feeling that though the road ahead will still be hard, I will be okay.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

Here are some links for dealing with emotions.

Acknowledge, Accept, Float

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Pranayama Breathing for Anxiety and Depression

 

16 hours ago, Scrountz said:

I'm just worried in the assessment that I'm going to be rushed back to work or forced onto drugs again.

Hopefully any doctor can see that you are not fit to work and if you can manage to remain in charge of your own medication (no one monitoring that you actually take them), then forced drugging can be avoided. The doctor might insist that you take drugs "in exchange" for sick leave, but as long as you remain in control you can pretend that you are taking them. Like I said, not showing signs of improvement will not be proof that you are not taking them. Far from it.

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

Link to comment

@KiasofiaI was very fortunate to have a positive meeting with the Nurse Practitioner at my University this morning. The NP works collaboratively with the counselling department, and the counsellor I saw spoke to the NP before our meeting to brief her. She was very sympathetic to my experience and understanding of my fear of medications. She felt it was best to provide monitoring care for me for now to ensure I don't get worse, and to support me to structure a plan for myself that feels best. We talked about a referral to a Psychiatrist, I declined, and she felt that was fair. I suggested it would only be warranted if I decompensated heavily and was once again very suicidal, and at this point I don't expect that to happen, as I am no longer and will never again touch Fluoxetine. For now I have a follow-up appointment with her next week, she was supportive of my commitment to taking more responsibility for my wellness in other ways, and she can fill out my return to work plan and will be able to help me if I need accommodations at work.

 

As for today, this has been the best day yet, with very few and mild emotional symptoms, though much heavier physical symptoms. I feel very tired today, generally unwell, mild gastrointestinal stress and body aches and pains. These symptoms, while still really crappy, are a thousand times easier to accept, as I can simply rest through them. I'm confident in time they will pass too.

 

Things seem to be improving every day, with my most severe symptoms having remitted quite early. This morning I played a video game for a bit, something I haven't had the attention span or interest in doing all week, and this afternoon I had an extended discussion with my father about the academic interests I have in my school program. These are very normal things for me and I feel grateful for their return.

 

I'm doing my best not to Fortune Tell, as I know the prognosis of withdrawal is unpredictable and I can never say for sure what the future holds. None-the-less my optimism is returning to me. The prospect of returning to work in a couple of weeks seems plausible, and I'm once again feeling a positive future is possible for me. I continue to pray for the strength to weather whatever comes my way, and trust that in time I will heal. 

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Scrountz said:

For now I have a follow-up appointment with her next week, she was supportive of my commitment to taking more responsibility for my wellness in other ways

Hi @Scrountz

I’ve  been following your story and glad to hear that things are improving for you.
 

I was struck by the part about “taking responsibility for your wellness”. I think this is key to our success. While ever we give responsibility for our wellness to our doctors we open ourselves up more and more to being medicated. I think when we take responsibility for ourselves it helps us listen to our bodies and do what is right for US.  


Our own (well informed) path may not be smooth but at least it’s OUR path and we are in charge of our own destinies.  I have found my change in thinking towards this really empowering.

 

I wish you well in your journey.

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

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Hey @Blossom71, thank you for your encouraging comments. I agree completely that an attitudinal shift is the key to success. Now that there is even a little bit of distance between me and the crisis portion of this experience, I'm reflecting more and more on how my tendency to avoid and dismiss my feelings, prioritize my responsibilities over my wellness, and take on too much for myself are the exact reason I've ended up in this place at all. Parts of me are frustrated that they weren't taken more seriously when they were calling out to me months ago. My emotional self is reeling from this experience, and is saying enough is enough, it's gotta come first.

 

My optimism yesterday was taken from me when another wave of anxiety and depression hit me. The depression was especially scary, because I unfortunately now associate depression with becoming suicidal. Fortunately that didn't happen; the depression I felt wasn't very intense. I was still able to keep my sense of humor a bit and to sit with it even though it was uncomfortable. It didn't really abate all night, but it seems to have lifted this morning. I'm really focusing on accepting, allowing and waiting. 

 

More challenging was that my sleep was awful last night. I was feeling fairly tired, at least partly because I was feeling depressed last night, so I only took 1mg of melatonin and no Glycine. I went down alright but probably woke after a couple of hours feeling dysphoric. These periods of dysphoria were something I was experiencing fairly frequently while taking the medication, and they seem to be part of the withdrawal process as well. This went on all night and completely disturbed my sleep. I think I barely slept at all. I've had I think one or two other sleepless nights during this process so far. Interestingly, early on in the process when I didn't sleep all night, it didn't make me tired. I was too flooded with anxiety and other feelings during the day to even feel impacted by it. This morning however I feel so so sleepy. That's probably a good thing. My body is going through its healing process. It is figuring itself out.

 

Today is the last day my dad is staying with me, and I think I've already decided I'm going to stay home with my fiancé rather than going with him. For one, his flight leaves at 6am tomorrow morning, and there is no way in hell I'm getting up at 4am to go with him. I also don't want the added stress of traveling. As much as my family loves me, they are also limited in their understanding and capacity to appropriately support me during waves. I'm not sure I'd feel as safe or supported by them if they were advising me or encouraging me to cheer up before I felt ready.

 

I am still afraid to be alone though. It's hard to trust that I'm not going to go through new and awful waves of feelings that I won't be able to handle. When I'm in a window, being alone feels okay. When I'm in a wave though, it's that much harder. I think I'll have to plan to stay in contact with as many supportive people as I can during the day to help me through this. The one day at a time attitude works best. I've got to constantly remind myself I don't really know how this is going to go. I can't predict the future. I can't assume the worst. Today will be hard In a new way but I'll make it through. That's probably true of all the other days I'm going to face moving forward.

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

Link to comment

One day at a time @Scrountz

 

Planning to stay in touch with supportive people is definitely a good plan. I assume your Dad is part of that circle of people too? 


Go easy on yourself. 

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

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Yeah he is. I can still call him and talk to him for support.

 

Trying to go easy on myself. Having a bit of a shame/regret attack this morning though about something from the past. This is the kind of thing I would struggle with before meds. Good I guess to see the old me coming back? Hard though too. Still have all my old problems

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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