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Scrountz: once again facing problems with AD meds


Scrountz

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Hi @Scrountz

The shame/regret attack is also common in withdrawal.

 

Go easy on yourself. Many of us have experienced it. Just try to let the thoughts float. Hard, I know, it helps if you can catch the spiral early.

 

Believer

1998-2015 Zoloft. 100mg

2015 Straight switch to Wellbutrin by GP who claimed Zoloft stopped working; I was experiencing occasional brain zaps. 3 months later Wellbutrin  XR. Highly activating. Lost ability to sleep. Seroquel x3 nights. Horrible reaction. Straight switch back to Zoloft, began taper. Found SA  after tapering 25 mgs a week to 25mgs and began experiencing W/D.

6/21/19 5.05 mg; 9/6/19 4.8 mg; 4/24/20 4.57 mg; 8/27/21 4.43 mg

9/20-9/25/21 xover to new RX from expired meds

10/22/21 4.13 mg; 11/26/21 3.93 mg; 4/15/22 3.74 mg; 6/3/22 3.54 mg; 8/5/22 3.38; 9/30/22 3.19; 11/18/22 3.03; 12/30/22 2.88; 2/17/23 2.74; 3/24/23 2.60; 5/12/23 2.47;  6/23/23 2.35; 8/11/23 2.24; 9/15/23 2.13; 10/20/23 2.02; 11/24/23 1.92; 1/12/24 1.83; 2/17/24 1.72; 3/23/24 1.64

Supplements: Natural Calm magnesium, Vitamin C Vitamin D during winter.

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Well it's with great dismay that I write that once again I've slipped into a suicidal depression. This came on very slowly over the morning, and may have been compounded a little bit by me dwelling on past shames, but at this point it feels fully like the Fluoxetine induced depression I experienced earlier this week. It's just as bad as the other episodes, excepting the shred of hope I am carrying now that it will abate, as the others have done. 

 

I'm messaging with a friend now. He told me it helps him to remind himself of the things he hasn't done yet when he gets this way. I'm listing all the things I want to be able to do and it is helping me a little to have a sense of hope.

 

Today is the hardest day yet in a lot of ways, the loss of a lot of hope. Reading other people's stories, I know this is how withdrawal works. Waves and windows. Feeling good, and then suddenly back to square one. And a very unpredictable course of recovery. Today I have to find more strength in myself than I ever thought I had. Please pray for me.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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This wave continues almost unabated. It's pretty severe. I had a brief period of relief around 4pm but then the depression returned and it's almost 8pm and it's worse than ever. 

 

@Kiasofia Is there any practical way to determine whether my depression is withdrawal based or an adverse effect? I know you mentioned that if I reinstated I wouldn't notice a difference for a few days. I'm wondering if that 5mg dose actually did make a difference, but it didn't become realized until Friday morning, a few days later. I know there is no exact science to this but the fact this wave is different and doesn't seem to be getting any better, only more intense, has me worried that my CT decision is going to end in a downward spiral to deepened depression.

 

I'm equally still convinced that another dose of Fluoxetine will not make things any better, considering the close association for me between taking Fluoxetine and being suicidally depressed.

 

It just seems like there is no winning right now. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I would have loved to taper but the suicidal depression was just so intense and I just really can't stand to keep taking the medication if that's what it results in. At the same time....here I am. Need some hope.

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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So last night was just hell of the worst possible order. I just seemed to keep getting worse and worse. The emotional pain and discomfort of my experience intensified further and further. My whole nervous system felt on fire and I can't do anything but curl up in a ball and be held by my fiancé. I stopped holding onto hope that the wave would end.

 

I decided to take 2mg Ativan just to get me to sleep. I was prescribed 5 1mg Ativan doses with my Fluoxetine because I knew I might get tense and Akathisic while coming onto the meds. Over the last 30 days I've used to them all, to deal with varying experiences of anxiety or to help me sleep. Each one has been split up by several days on non-use. Last night was my last two. I don't know that I'm running a risk of a benzodiazepine addiction on top of everything, but for now I'll consider it.

 

The Ativan helped. I could feel the intense burning and heightened distress of my nervous system relax. I eventually just went to sleep (not much choice on 2mg of Ativan) and slept mostly through the night. My dad left around 4:30am and I think I managed to say goodbye.

 

This morning, still feeling the effects of the Ativan, I feel calmer and more okay, but I know this is temporary.

 

I need to come up with a plan and I think its unwise to do it without psychiatric help. I can't understand what is an adverse reaction to Fluoxetine now and what is withdrawal. I'm terrified to reinstate, even a low dose, terrified to try a new drug, but also terrified to keep going on this CT withdrawal. It's clear whatever is happening to me is not well understood, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of people who take a medication for 30 days, get suicidal, discontinue the medication abruptly, and then continue to experience deep depression coupled with suicidal ideation. Most people seem to experience it as consequence of the drug, and they stop they feel better, or they experience it as a consequence of withdrawal, which they manage through a taper.

 

Also in reading people's experiences of feeling suicidal on here, most of them seem to be people just exhausted and demoralized about the never ended cacophony of symptoms they're exposed to. Few if any people have talked about how a state of depression possesses them, where they feel their only option for any relief is death.

 

The only research I can find on the topic looked at people being prescribed Fluoxetine for Panic Disorder. Of the participants, 9 developed depression that they didn't have before taking the medication. They discontinued the medication and the depression went away, however there was no timeline for this. In fact, I think all of the participants were switched to either a TCA or Clonazepam to treat their anxiety, so they obviously didn't go off all medication.

 

I think I need to go to the hospital today and at least talk with a psychiatric nurse. Perhaps I need to consider a short course of benzos to help me with through, though I've seen it mentioned in other posts and no I do not want an addiction to Benzodiazepines that I then have to withdraw from. I just want relief from this awful awful pain. I can't stand it.

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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54 minutes ago, Mario77 said:

Thinking of you. Be strong. For how long did you take Fluoxetine? 1998-?

It's hard to remember. I was a kind. I think I actually took them at two separate times, once in 1997-98 and then maybe briefly again in 99. I think the first time I took them I was on them for maybe 6months-1year and the second time was a shorter course that wouldn't have gone on longer than a few months. I don't remember much from that time, but its funny dealing with some of these symptoms now, I do recall feeling bouts of intense anxiety, anticipatory anxiety and sometimes feeling off or unwell for a day that might have been a mild withdrawal experience.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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It is your wave over? I hope you are better. Did you go to the hospital. Mine just started an hour ago, as I am trying to lower my clonazepam. As pe Alto, I have interactions from it. You can message me anytime. It is easier for me, too, knowing I am not alone in this fight that I am tired of.

 

 

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I’m so sorry things are rough. Your experience seems like mine. My suicidal depression did not stop when I quit taking the antidepressant. The brain gets shocked and needs to recover. I don’t think there is a way to determine withdrawal vs side effect in this case, but your suicidality was triggered by fluoxetine so I believe you are mainly dealing with the adverse reaction. It is not all that relevant to determine though because reinstatement is not advised in the case of an adverse reaction. Some decide to use a benzo as a crutch to get through. This creates risks and problems of its own. The following is regarding withdrawal, but true for adverse reaction also:

 

Quote

From: How to talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal? What to expect?
Some doctors will prescribe a benzodiazepine for withdrawal symptoms. This poses its own problems as, used frequently, benzos incur dependencies of their own and also need careful tapering.

Benzos are technically addictive. Often Klonopin (clonazepam) is the prescribed benzo, and is very, very difficult to quit should you become dependent on it.

Another medical myth is that some benzos are less addictive than others. This is not true. Addiction cannot be predicted on an individual basis. You can become addicted very quickly to any benzo. It's the luck of the draw.

A benzo may indeed help with some withdrawal symptoms, but only while you're taking the benzo. Since withdrawal symptoms tend to resolve over time (sometimes many months), the benzo is a baby sitter for your nervous system while it does the job of recovery.

And then you'll have to taper off the benzo, which may take quite a while itself, and may cause similar withdrawal symptoms.

 

 

Be aware that benzos with a short half life can cause inter dose withdrawal once dependency is reached (2-4 weeks) and then must be taken more often and on a regular schedule. It is also important to have a  prescriber who will allow a long safe taper off and not suddenly stop prescribing.

 

Please add Ativan, dose and how often you take it, to your signature. 
 

I know this is hard. But it will get better. One moment at a time.

 

 

 

Edited by Kiasofia
Added quoted text

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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2 hours ago, Mario77 said:

It is your wave over? I hope you are better. Did you go to the hospital. Mine just started an hour ago, as I am trying to lower my clonazepam. As pe Alto, I have interactions from it. You can message me anytime. It is easier for me, too, knowing I am not alone in this fight that I am tired of.

Hey @Mario77. Thanks for checking in. The worst of the depression has lifted, though I still feel pretty miserable and hopeless. Friday morning I was feeling more like myself than I had felt in days, and by Saturday afternoon, without any triggering event or change, I'm back to square one. This is very hard.

 

I havent gone to the hospital today. The depression lifting even a little bit has given me some hope, though we'll see how long that lasts.

 

My fiancé and I just performed a smudge ceremony with my sweetgrass a friend had given me. I cried quite a bit after the ceremony. It felt healing in a way.

 

Today despite the depression I do feel a little more like myself. Where I put my attention does seem to be making some small difference. If I dwell on the plight of my situation, I'm bound to feel hopeless. That being said, we've all got to have room to feel like absolute crap, to hate our lives and our situations. I wouldn't wish withdrawal on anyone, I don't know that there is a worse experience than this.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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I am a bit better after sundown, and around 9 or 10pm I can eat. My wife is very supportive, but she doesn't understand the enormity of it. She thinks is a matter of willpower. But sometimes I can't take it anymore...

 

 

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@KiasofiaI just read your introductory topic and our stories do seem to have some parallels. I also had an adverse reaction to a single dose of Escitalopram years ago. I believe being treated with Venlafaxine helped remedy that, but it also created a host of new problems. None the less I think you're right that once you try a medication and it precipitates that kind of response, there is no going back. I asked my fiancé to get rid of all the pills of Fluoxetine I had, because I couldn't even look at them without feeling traumatized. I don't know that I can bring myself to take another dose.

 

I relate in your statement to the feeling of wanting to be "euthanized". At its worst, thats all I can imagine. I also relate to Benzos providing some relief. The dose of Ativan I took last night seemed to provide enough relief to my nervous system that I slept. I was surprised that it also helped lift the depression to a degree. It did not make me feel completely "normal" though.

 

I noticed for you that ECT got you back. I've seen in some other threads that ECT is generally disregarded as something that cannot reverse SSRI withdrawal symptoms. In the case of adverse events however, is there some hope? I can't imagine actually getting approved for a treatment like this, I'm sure any Psychiatrist I saw would want to throw pills at the problem first. I'm also sure ECT comes with its own host of challenges, and I'm not sure I would want what it brings.

 

I dont intend to go on benzos really. I may request some if they seem to make a difference, but the last thing I want to do is start another addiction and have to go through another withdrawal.

 

I'm really not sure what to do at this point. The progress I was experiencing seems foreign to me now. My hope is rocked. I'm not sure how today is gonna go but already it's been really hard. I have no idea when this will start to get better.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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5 minutes ago, Mario77 said:

I am a bit better after sundown, and around 9 or 10pm I can eat. My wife is very supportive, but she doesn't understand the enormity of it. She thinks is a matter of willpower. But sometimes I can't take it anymore...

I'm sorry to hear that @Mario77I'm glad you have a regular window where you feel better at around 9 or 10. It's hard for anyone to understand it who isn't going through it. I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on either.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Just wanted to provide a quick update for the evening. I did feel some depression most of the day, but it was manageable and something I was okay to just deal with. I had an okay day today actually. Helped with the laundry. Did some Qigong. My fiancé and I smudged with sweet grass and I cried a little during the ceremony which was kind of nice. It felt good to take some real "medicine". I'm finding that the budding spiritual interests I had before this ordeal are fast becoming my new way of life. I pray and I have some faith that this crisis for me is not just physical but spiritual, and can be resolved spiritually.

 

I just finished another round of Qigong for sleep. I'm feeling pretty relaxed right now. Gonna drink some Chamomile soon and then go through my sleep supplements.

 

I have a lot of unanswered questions still, and I have a lot of fear that worse days are still ahead of me. I'm trying not to dwell on what is coming next because I still don't know. I'll pray for strength, courage and protection tonight before I sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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This is my comment in the ECT thread. Perhaps I need to reword what I've written in my intro if it gives the impression that it is a treatment worth considering.

Quote

I had ECT and am trying to forgive myself (and the hospital) for having it. It deleted parts of my memory and sense of self. It gave short term euphoria and long term memory problems. It’s electro shock induced brain damage and shows how crazy a field psychiatry is. In my opinion it should be illegal, since people saying yes to it are too desperate to be able to make a rational choice.

 

The same goes with TMS. As ECT is getting some bad press (though not nearly enough), TMS is emerging as "the new and better option" but it is also a damaging "treatment". ECT didn't cure my adverse reaction. It gave me a week or two of feeling great before I crashed back into depression, with memory loss and the trauma of having been through the treatment added to my situation.

 

12 hours ago, Scrountz said:

The progress I was experiencing seems foreign to me now.

This is the typical windows and waves pattern. When in a wave the windows seem unreal. Very frustrating. But the the fact that you were experiencing progress is very good. It will return❤️

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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@KiasofiaWhen did you stop feeling suicidally depressed?

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Well, it was covered up by an ECT-high and once the high wore off the intense urge to kill myself and akathisia had passed. I think the time from the suicidality being triggered and the ECT "working" was a month and then I had about two weeks of the ECT "high", and then crashed back into deep depression and feeling totally dysfunctional, but without the intense urge to throw myself off a high building. I don't see this as ECT curing suicidality though. Just that during this time frame, things were settling down, despite me using damaging "treatments". No way of knowing for sure. But if ECT somehow did shorten the length of the adverse reaction, the long term damage is in no way worth it.

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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@KiasofiaI hear you. ECT isn't worth it. Sounds like, as with almost everyone here, that time is the best cure.

 

I slept okay last night. 3mg of melatonin seems to do the trick. My sleep followed the same pattern as most other nights, excepting my anxiety/dysphoria was less intense. My cat slept in between my legs all night. He used to do this last year until we put a little bed on our bed for him and then he stopped doing it. I think he somehow knew I needed a little love so he decided to sleep close to me.

 

I'm anxious this morning. Feels a little like the cortisol spike people talk about. I think it's also a trauma response though. "Is it going to come back today?" Even as I type that it brings up a lot of fear. I've lost a core sense of safety, even if apart from the anxiety and fear, my mood state seems to be okay. I've done a few things to be proactive this morning. Took my supplements. Did some soothing Qigong. I'm gonna go and ask my fiancé for a neck rub because that is actually the most soothing thing in the God damn world. 

 

I'm also just thinking about the things that I still want to do, to keep my going. I'm getting married in September, and I want to marry my fiancé more than anything in the world. I've got to finish my degree. I'm so passionate about counselling and psychotherapy, and I still want to pursue that passion more fully. We live in a different city right now but our plan is to move back to where we're from once our degrees are over. All of these things are motivating me to move forward another day.

 

I've stopped projecting too much though. Those are my ends but the path there is out of my control. I can't think too far ahead, because I don't know what today, what tomorrow, what the next are going to hold. I have to just not know. I have to live for now. I tell my fiancé I love her often. I try to celebrate little things that are good that are happening. I'm trying to appreciate that today, though I'm scared, I'm okay. I never used to live like this. I was a pie in the sky person, constantly caught in this or that fantasy. It's scary but also gratifying in a way now that I'm forced to consider the conditions of my life in this moment alone, and live for what I have right in front of me.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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It is great that you slept! And the cat...awww! And a partner. And so many things to look forward to. You are at least in a good life situation as you recover from this❤️ I did some Qigong a few months ago and then forgot about it. You've reminded me to start doing it again, so thank you for mentioning it!

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

Link to comment

Afternoon update. I've been coping fairly well today but this afternoon I'm really dipping. My fiancé and I went out for a while. We took a walk, went to campus and had lunch, and went to the grocery store. It was good to get out but maybe a little much. I started to feel pretty dysphoric around lunch time and kind of had to push myself through to get the rest of what we needed done. I'm home now and just feeling a little bit overwhelmed and hypersensitive. A hug from the fiancé was nice. Trying to keep the stimulation to a minimum. Might have a bath soon as generally those help me to calm down. Took some magnesium.

 

I am noticing that compared to last week, I'm generally feeling more like "me" every day, even if I'm suffering. I'm noticing that every period of suffering has a unique quality to it and feels slightly different than every other period. I'm also noticing that sometimes, when a low mood strikes me, it feels "familiar". I can remember another time in my life when I felt this way, and it seems thinking about that and how I got through that time has been helpful. The suffering I'm experiencing is starting to feel a little bit more like "mine" at times, and is sometimes responsive to healthy coping. 

 

This makes me question to some degree whether what I'm experiencing is withdrawal or something completely different. I know it's fruitless to speculate, but my experience does seem to differ to a degree from some of the other experiences I've read (though certainly there are many shared characteristics). I hope if nothing else that my deep chronicle of this experience aids someone else later who is going through something similar to me. I'd like to believe that over time there will be rays of hope that not only I can cling on to, but others as well.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Evening update: A window of calm has descended over me after a hard and symptomatic day. Today was a lot of mixed depression and anxiety most of the day, peaking in the late afternoon. Every day seems to be different and it's impossible to predict my symptom pattern. I had a pretty dysphoric and anxious afternoon but took a bath, talked to friends and vented feelings and that helped. I did Qigong twice more today when I noticed my anxiety really escalating, and honestly, it seems to make a difference, however minor. It at least gives me something to focus on which pulls me away from ruminative thinking. 

 

I also did some CBT today, focusing on thoughts that were precipitating a sense of hopelessness in me. This also seemed to make a difference. Rather than spiral, I stayed strong, leaning into a more positive and reasonable outlook.

 

I also briefly meditated during a depressive dip, and did my best to bring some compassionate and accepting attention to the feelings of depression in my body. It was very hard, however it did seem to help too.

 

I feel like I've earned this window, even if it is just that my symptoms have abated for now. I worked my ass off today to cope and I deserve a little piece.

 

Tomorrow my fiancé is going to go back to work and despite having some anxiety about it today right now at least I'm not dreading it. I have some plans to keep busy, I have supports in place, and I have some skills I can use to cope. Hopefully tomorrow is manageable too and I can keep practicing my coping.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Morning update: Feeling pretty frustrated right now. Last night I woke up at 12:30 after just an awful nightmare. Such a vivid, and graphic and disgusting imagery. It's stuck with me and it kind of ruined my whole night. It was super hard to get back to sleep. I took an additional 1mg of melatonin, which I think helped ease me back to sleep, but it was still 2 hours before I finally dozed off again. I think I'm only really getting REM sleep, not deep wave sleep, because I just seem to dream all night.

 

I was reading the sleep forums and also about supplements for cortisol spikes because I'm definitely experiencing those now. 6:30am I wake up and I'm wired, just so stressed out. I'm going to try some Vitmanin C supplementation first and then maybe add in phosphatidylserine, as some people on the forums seemed to have a good experience with it.

 

So I'm pretty frustrated this morning. Today was already going to be a little bit more of a challenging day, as I'm alone now for a decent portion of the day, but the added stress of a poor sleep has really thrown off my morning. I'm going to do my calming Qigong to start and then see what I can handle today. I planned to call my mom this morning and connect with a friend sometime today. My fiancé is gonna come home for lunch.

 

I think today it's just settling in more that I could be at this for a while. A lot of different processes in my body are screwed up and need time to correct themselves. I'm just so angry for even going back to SSRIs in the first place. I'm angry that I took that 5HTP. I'm angry that my nervous system has had the reaction that it has, and that my life is like this now, dealing with intense symptoms every day. Ugh. This just sucks. It just sucks so much. I'm gonna do my best to cope today but it just sucks.

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Soon enough you will experience a window again, just like you did yesterday, and that will surely help you forget challenging days like this one today immediately!

 

Admire your positivity by the way, and the fact that you're doing a pretty darn good job exercising your coping skills. Keep it up!

 

 

Antidepressant history

2001 - 2018: Paxil / seroxat (20 mgs), several failed c/t and taper attempts.

2018-September: last failed c/t attempt.

2018-October: reinstated Paxil (30 mgs)

2018-October thru 2019-January: Short-term Oxazepam & Diazepam use. Tapered off very slowly. Jumped 10Jan2019.

Brassmonkey Slide Method stats

Currently on hold on 0,1 mgpw after an updose due to becoming increasingly unstable.

Supplements: C, D, Magnesium

Miscellaneous: low on alcohol (1/2 times/year). No substance abuse. Lower carb diet with cheat days. Wim Hof Method. Buteyko. Calisthenics. Hiking.

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@PerAsperaAdAstraThank you for the kind words. Encouragement helps. I'm doing everything I can. Waves are so draining and demoralizing. I feel so unwell and there is nothing to do but wait.

 

Afternoon update:

 

Today has sucked, but from a symptom perspective, relative to the other days I've had, today has been manageable and okay. I was pretty anxious most of the morning. I spoke to my mom for a bit and that helped. My fiance came home for lunch. She was pretty distraught. This whole ordeal has been taxing for her. She has had a lot of trouble focusing and being present at work. I'm trying not to blame myself. This isn't my fault. I didn't ask for this. We talked about the possibility of me going to stay with my family for a little while, so she knows I'm safe and doesn't have to worry so much. Like all things on this journey, we're gonna wait and see. Maybe if things level out for me over the next little bit I'll be okay to stay. I am beginning to reflect on things like when I'll go back to work, how to finish my school program, etc.

 

After she left I talked to my dad for a bit and we discussed me coming home. He is in support and will help me if need be. My family has been really great through this and I am so grateful for that. I've had a strained relationship with my parents over the years due to childhood adversity, but their love for me is really shining through lately. I think this event is changing my perspective on a lot of relationships in my life.

 

After talking to my dad, I tried to chill out for a bit, but I was hit with a really strong wave of depression. It always interests me how each wave of symptoms is the same but different. This wave of depression feels different than all the other waves of depression I've felt so far. I had to go to bed and just ride it out. I closed my eyes, opened to the pain, and surrendered. Something in me knows there is nothing to do but wait and endure. I laid with it for what felt like a long time, until I noticed it start to shift. I had a little bit of motivation again.

 

I took a bath. I've been reading @Fightinghard's posts and its been giving me some hope. He certainly is a fighter, and his slow and steady progress makes me feel like the same is possible for me.

 

I decided to write a short letter to my fiance and leave it in the door for her to find when she comes home. Its just a sincere expression of my love and gratitude for her. Today has been harder without her. The loneliness doesn't help. I know at some point getting back to life, as much as I can, will be essential and probably helpful. She'll be home soon. I can't wait to see her. I think I'll feel better with her around.

 

My symptoms now are a blend of feeling malaise/fatigue/depression. I have a metallic taste in my mouth and a bit of a headache. Don't have much of an appetite but I'll try to get some food in me soon. Also I definitely have PSSD, and its especially bumming me out because I posted a few days ago about how acupressure had helped alleviate it for me ten years ago. Guess what is making absolutely no difference now? You guessed it, acupressure.

 

I'll provide an update tonight too. I'm surviving. Things are changing every day. I'm doing my best to trust in my body to heal. This is I believe one of the hardest things a person can live through. 

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Evening Update: Well the afternoon continued to suck, I struggled with feeling depressed and gross for most of it. It was a bearable intensity but hard to be present to. I did try again to practice mindfulness to the feelings. It was very challenging. I have a deep aversion to suffering and am instinctually resisting what I'm feeling. So I'm trying to just be present to that right now, to the resistance and then to what I'm feeling. When I was able to bring my attention to the feelings and really notice them for what they were, I think this actually helped me calm down a bit. I could see that nothing I was feeling was life threatening or going to kill me. They are uncomfortable, but uncomfortable is still bearable, and there is to my surprise a space inside of me where I can kind of, sort of, maybe just a little bit let them be.

 

Then after this, in class windows and waves fashion, I was suddenly in a window. From 7pm I've been feeling fairly calm and mostly okay, with just a mild headache and a bit of a flu like feeling. I spent a long time talking to my fiancé and processing out some feelings around this transition to suddenly feeling okay. In a way I hate it, because as nice and relieving as a window is, its something to lose. I'm trying to be realistic tonight that its nice to be calm, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

 

Being in a window also allows me to think more clearly about my situation. I was reading Brassmonkey's post on "When will this get better" and I found his information honest and straightforward. I'm not sure what category I fall into on this website. In my present state, I'm not someone who has had an immediate adverse experience, as I took the medication for 30 days prior to experiencing an adverse effect. I desperately wished I could have tapered this medication instead of quitting cold turkey, however with the kind of depressed states I was falling into, I feel like my life was at risk. A part of my kind of wants to experiment with reinstating, and a bigger part of me knows I need to never touch this stuff again and just take what comes. I wish I could take some solace, as I used to, that Fluoxetine has a long half-life and makes for an easier withdrawal experience, however I know in my current situation, thats not really been the case. I think a lot of this amounts to parts of me that still aren't ready to accept the position I'm in. I've been forever changed after taking this medication, I'm likely in for months or years of discomfort, and there is nothing I can do about that. I'm still in denial I think. I just don't want to believe this is my life.

 

Anyway I'm gonna try to take this window for what it is. The fact I'm having any windows at all is a blessing. Every day, even if I continue to suffer, I also feel a little bit more like myself. Tonight has been the most pronounced feeling of being "me" I've had since this ordeal began. I can take a little hope from that. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Happy to hear that your day ended on a higher note! The way I'm reading it you're working through problems in the best possible way, and you're having a fair share of 'em!

I think it helps that you have several people in your environment that support you. It can make such a difference.

 

Keep on going! You're doing a good job. 🙂

Antidepressant history

2001 - 2018: Paxil / seroxat (20 mgs), several failed c/t and taper attempts.

2018-September: last failed c/t attempt.

2018-October: reinstated Paxil (30 mgs)

2018-October thru 2019-January: Short-term Oxazepam & Diazepam use. Tapered off very slowly. Jumped 10Jan2019.

Brassmonkey Slide Method stats

Currently on hold on 0,1 mgpw after an updose due to becoming increasingly unstable.

Supplements: C, D, Magnesium

Miscellaneous: low on alcohol (1/2 times/year). No substance abuse. Lower carb diet with cheat days. Wim Hof Method. Buteyko. Calisthenics. Hiking.

Link to comment

Morning Update: Really having a hard time this morning on waking up. I actually think I slept quite well, from a sleep quality perspective, with mixed periods of REM and deeper sleep. The issue is I experienced pretty severe depression/dysphoria all night that seemed to be associated with sleeping. Basically, whenever I got into a a nice deep sleep, I would be flooded with depressed/dysphoric feelings. This was happening to me while I was taking the medication, and I also had a couple of "confusional awakenings" while taking the meds, but it seems to also be a feature of the withdrawal syndrome. If I recall, last week I experienced this once or twice. Last night was maybe just the most severe experience I've had yet, and its got me very distressed this morning and worn out. I'm kind of feeling at my limit today. I'm not sure how much more stress I can endure. I think going CT was a bad idea, as much as it was necessary. My system has a lot to figure out and its insanely uncomfortable. I'm going to have to dig deep today to stay calm and keep going, because a big part of me wants to quit today. 

 

I'm gonna try to go for a walk today. Being cooped up all day is also not helping me at all. Something in me is just so anxious to feel normal again, and have some sense of capacity and autonomy again. I've definitely lost my Zen from last night. Ugh this is so hard and I hate it so much. I'm gonna pray this morning and talk to my mom. I don't know if I have much else in me from a coping perspective right now. 

 

 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Afternoon update:

 

The higher distress of this morning faded as I sought support from my parents and vented my feelings. My dad was particularly helpful in encouraging me to move forward and face the day as best I can. It gave me some courage to keep going, which is good because I was really considering throwing in the towel this morning. 

 

I dealt with agitation for an hour or so this morning. I had trouble sitting still and felt activated in my body. I decided to roll with it, and got playful with the kinds of movements I did to help me cope. Moving provided some relief, and eventually it faded into a more depressed mood. I spoke to my mom on the phone for a bit, vented a little bit more, and welcome her encouragement to keep going. Talking to her reminded me to try practicing mindfulness again, and after I got off the phone with her, I gave it a shot. I opened up to what I was feeling inside, which was uncomfortable feelings, dysphoria and a depressed feeling. I mustered all the courage I had to look at those feelings. It was very hard. I had to open too to all the parts of me that are resistant to this experience, the very human and instinctual parts of me that seek to move away from discomfort and accept them too. I'm in conflict right now; I want to run from an experience that I cant really escape. That tension is hard.

 

None the less some small part of me could yield to what I was experiencing this morning. I'll take even a tiny opening, which brought a small relief to suffering the pain of this experience.  I then chilled for the rest of the morning, fiancé came home for lunch and we hung out a bit, and around this time a wave of depression rolled over me. I rolled with it as best I could, took it slow, laid down, tried my best to open to it and waited. Eventually it moved a bit. I kept busy by playing the piano and had a bath. Around this time felt like I wanted to leave the house for a little bit and I decided to go and try to take a walk. It seems like the window opened earlier today and I was able to get out and experience minimal emotional symptoms.

 

Coming home now though a melancholy has descended on me, and I'm hesitant to call it a symptom. During my walk I reflected a lot on the deep feeling of unsafety inside of me. I also reflected on how fundamentally different I feel inside, how some part of me, some innocence and ease, has been washed away from me. I don't necessarily see this as a symptom of AD withdrawal but as a function of the trauma I've faced. The episodes of incredibly deep depression that I've experienced, that started this whole thing and that brought me to want to die, have traumatized me. Right now I no longer feel I can trust my body not to betray me again, no longer feel like my own existence is a safe thing. I've been hurt by this experience, and this is a separate type of healing that I'm also tasked with facing. This melancholy reflects the deep sorrow I feel from losing a sense of safety, wellbeing and self-integrity.

 

So I may be in a window but I feel heavy. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, which is timely, and will hopefully be able to slowly process that side of things. I know that healing will take much time too, and come at its own pace. All of me that I can I am surrendering to something inside of me that is greater than this experience, because I feel I will never heal through my own individual efforts or willfulness. I discovered @GiaK's version of the 12 steps that she used to frame her process of spiritual recovery, and it made me cry. I'm crying again just thinking about it. Something in me, my spirit perhaps, is working inside of me. I can't really have faith in anything else right now. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Morning Update:

 

I decided not to do an evening update last night because a very calm window descended on me around 7pm. Rather than ruminate I decided to enjoy the peace and clarity of mind I was experiencing, spend time with my fiance, and for as long as I could just be present to feeling okay. I also wanted to reduce my computer time around bed, as I'm trying to take the concept of sleep hygiene more seriously. This also meant reducing my melatonin intake to just 0.5 mg, as in hindsight I feel like 2-3 mg was probably having undesirable effects.

 

So I went down last night feeling okay. Feeling serene. Deeply connected to the fact that I can't change my circumstances and just need to do my best to accept where I'm at and move forward. I did not sleep all that great last night. It took me a while to fall asleep, and I did have some uncomfortable feelings that plagued me some of the night. I woke at 5:30 and couldn't get to sleep, though I was not flooded with cortisol as I have been other mornings. I simply lay in bed, let my mind wander, and continued to enjoy what peace I could.

 

My mood remains stable as I wake up this morning. I'm very sleepy and uncomfortable from not sleeping well. I have some anxiety. Last Saturday, when I became so deeply depressed again, I had barely slept the night before. My poor anxious mind is wary of any circumstance that may connect me to this experience again. I can't help but feel "Is today the day I go back down again?". I remind myself it makes so much sense for me to feel this way. The horror of that experience remains imprinted in me. It may be a long time before I can once again trust that I won't face that kind of experience again.

 

I have a counselling this appointment this morning and I hope its helpful. A chance to express myself and be heard at least. A chance to process this out a little bit more. I also want to call my boss today and talk to her about how long I'm going to be off work and figure out some pragmatic things with her. I'm trying to remain serene today. I'll be leaning into my supports. I'm praying so so so much.  I feel like it won't be my will that gets me through this, but something greater inside of me. I feel a little bit more resigned over the past couple of days to stop throwing supplements and traditional practices at the problem and just let my body heal itself over time. I pray today I don't fall into the pit of agony and despair that has plagued me. I'll write an afternoon update later. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Afternoon update: Today has been okay. Its been the most manageable day yet. I enjoyed a considerably more stable mood today than any other day this week. I did have a period of afternoon melancholy today and talked to my mother for a while to cope. I also was quite hypersensitive after talking to my boss today, as I went to the grocery store right afterwards. Coming home though I've calmed down quicker. A neck rub from my fiancé and some words of encouragement helped, but I think my nervous system also just found it a little bit easier to come back to stability. We also decided to kind of "safety plan" in the event that my suicidal depression comes back, and after thinking about it more and coming up with a bit of a plan, I'm starting to feel a little better about the whole thing. I step in and out of my fear. Right now I'm feeling mostly okay.

 

I'm experiencing a real inner conflict in myself because, as I start to feel better, another part of me is pushing back against this, saying its too early to be hopeful. That part of me, so hurt and devastated by this experience, has trouble trusting that there will ever be safety again. It also doesn't want me to go back to "forgetting" about this experience and the important lessons I'm learning from it. I do feel I'm garnering significant insight into myself, my relationships and my orientation towards my own life. I don't want to lose touch with that when I start to feel "better". I think the temptation for a lot of people going through experiences like this is to try to get back to their old selves as much as quickly as possible. I don't want to go back to my old self. Yes, he felt generally safe in life, but he didn't take care of himself, he took his relationships for granted, nursed old resentments with his family, and was disconnected from what really mattered to him. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to close the door on what's been opened in me, even if its hard and takes a long time to integrate.

 

So today was a much bigger window of wellness, and some hope came with that. I'm trying to be realistic and balanced with the optimism I feel. I'm still not sure what tomorrow holds so I have to focus on where I'm at now. Tonight I can feel okay, and that's great. And I'll still try to surrender to what comes tomorrow. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Thought I would just post a single update today because there is not much new to report. Last night I continued to enjoy a mostly even disposition until about 6pm. Around then I was suddenly struck with a wave of depression. I panicked, thinking "This is it!" and that I was going back down, but it did not end up being a severe experience. Rather, it transitioned into a couple of hours of anxiety, and then my mood evened out by 8pm. I coped by revisiting old positive memories with my fiance, which genuinely seemed to make a difference.

 

I had another unfortunate experience of intense dysphoria while sleeping last night. This was maybe the most intense episode of it I've had yet. I had a lot of trouble falling back asleep and took another .5mg of melatonin to help me down. I've read some people take B Vitamins or Magnesium for these nighttime awakenings instead, so I might try that. A soothing neck rub from my fiance helped me get back down. I was able to mostly sleep the rest of the night without issue. These feelings fortunately don't plague me when I'm not sleeping.

 

My mood has been fairly even through most of the day. I had a more productive morning, attending to some neglected hygiene issues. I got my Covid booster today and started to feel a little rundown this afternoon. I've been smiling though, laughing, joking, and feeling a lot more like my old self today. 

 

I continue to feel traumatized. I've been hypervigilant and worried all day that the depression will come back. I had a consultation with the Nurse Practitioner this morning and she provided me with a link to report my Adverse Drug Reaction to Health Canada. It turns out there is a searchable database and I looked up Fluoxetine. I found 29 reported adverse events, many of which included depression and suicidal ideation. This immediately made me feel unsafe and I closed the link. I'm not ready to read those yet. I think I'll need a lot of additional emotional support processing the deep fear and horror I experienced when I became induced into depression by my medication. Its just very hard to still feel safe and express any kind of trust in my body.

 

Its the weekend though. Gonna have a couple of days with the fiance. Hoping for good emotional health over the weekend, and praying for strength and courage to endure waves when they come. Its nice to be in a longer, more stable window. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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11 hours ago, Scrountz said:

I've read some people take B Vitamins or Magnesium for these nighttime awakenings instead, so I might try that.

B-vitamins can be activating on our sensitized brains. What is good advice for natural sleep problems/depression can be bad for sleep problems/depression caused by withdrawal/adverse reaction. Many do find magnesium helpful though. But make sure it's not mixed with other ingredients. (Often vitamin B-6)

Important topics about tests, supplements, treatments, diet

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

 

11 hours ago, Scrountz said:

I've been smiling though, laughing, joking, and feeling a lot more like my old self today. 

Good you have times feeling like this❤️

These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I have learned, not medical advice.

 

Drug history

2002-2019 Citalopram/Escitalopram, Lamictal
2019 April Escitalopram, quit at 10mg (withdrawal), Oct Escitalopram 10mg reinstated, quit after a few days (adverse reaction)

2019 Oct Lamictal cut from 200mg to 100mg
2019 Dec Lithium 83x2 mg

2020 Aug-Nov Lamictal tapered to 50 mg

2020 Nov 24 Lithium taper started, 30 Jan off Lithium

2021 15. March-31. May Lamictal tapered to 32.5 mg (holding)

2022 10. Jan started taking 25mg+5mg+2mg+0.5 liquid, 22. Jan went back to taking 25mg+5mg+half 5mg

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Update: Continue to be doing mostly "okay" today. Have been experiencing waves of anxiety today starting in the afternoon, milder than before. Did struggle with a more intense period, some paranoia and repetitive thoughts. It seems like the more of me that comes back "online", the more cognitive things get. Still dealing with hypochondriasis too, which can be quite bad sometimes. So far no depression. Stretched myself a bit today, doing a bit more "normal" stuff. It feels good but I definitely notice the hypersensitivity of my nervous system. Even playing Animal Crossing for an hour stressed me out. Have needed lots of downtime too.

 

Slept better last night. Still having waves of awful feelings when I sleep, but beginning to slowly accept that this may be my new normal for a while. Vivid dreams and nightmares still happening too. I think the sleep stuff is almost worse than the daytime things I'm dealing with right now.

 

Really noticing the stark difference between how I feel in wave mode vs. window mode. Its like the two are mutually exclusive states. When in a window, the suffering I endured feels like its never happened. When in a wave, its like I've never felt good in my life. Still just working on healthy coping. Qigong, brief periods of meditation, calling family and friends, and nurturing myself with as much compassion as I can muster.

 

@Kiasofia I did read B Vitamins are activating for some. I've never tried them in my life.  Probably won't for a little bit at least, and then will maybe only try a small amount during the daytime to see how I do. Magnesium is good, no issues there, though I'm not a huge fan of getting up at night to go take a pill. Will keep enduring and trust that sleep will improve. I'm at ~3-4 half-lives now of Fluoxetine, so still some in my system, and likely quite a bit of Desmethylfluoxetine still present as well. Likely many weeks still before things level out for me. I do seem to be improving every day, though still hard. Its been 7 days now since last episode of suicidal depression. Starting to feel that that may not come back now. One day at a time though, must just focus on taking care of myself today still. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Update: Today has been the best day yet. I actually had a half-decent sleep last night, perhaps 7 hours, with no waves of awful emotions at all, just a couple of brief periods of awakening in the evening. When I awoke this morning, I felt genuinely good, essentially fully like my old self, and that lasted until around noon when I started to feel physically unwell.

 

Since then, I've struggled more. I think I'm dealing with neuro-emotions, something I noticed in myself yesterday as well. Specifically neuro-anxiety. Pre-medication I had moderate hypochondriasis which would flare up on occasion, but these past couple of days it has been through the roof. The most minor things are sending me flying off into an anxious flight that I'm going to have a life threatening illness and die. I'm feeling pretty debilitated at times. I feel like I can't do a lot of the things that I normally do out of fear that something awful will happen. I texted a friend and listed at least 6 things I had perseverated on over the last couple of days that were so silly in hindsight.

 

So yeah, I'm trying to ride that out, and its extremely difficult. I have tried meditating today and that was helpful, at least until I was triggered again. I was able to sit and accept the anxiety without reacting to it. I can normalize and accept the notion that death is terrifying. There is nothing wrong with fearing death, which is a very normal and instinctual thing to do. But man has this neuro-anxiety been a drag, its just absolutely crippling me. The page on Neuro-Emotions has been extremely helpful to me in normalizing how I'm feeling. I know if I'm patient with myself, and just try to accept the totally wacky flood of emotions and do my best to ride through it, I will get better.

 

Its so nice to feel more and more like ME again. I'm beginning to think about the future and take steps to get back to life. I'm also cognizant of the need to continue to go slow with myself. When I feel good, I feel like I can do anything I used to, but when I feel bad, I'm reminded how injured I still am. While I've started to have mixed feelings about taking a whole other week off, in a way I'm glad because it means I have a chance to maintain my wellness as priority number 1, and gradually work on increasing my capacity for normal life once more. Its still going to take a lot of time for me to find a new sense of stability and "normal" for myself. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Well, I got hit by an absolute Mac Truck of a wave last night, which has barely let up today. More Neuro-Shame and Neuro-Regret last night and then a deep wave of depression descended over me. I barely slept it was so bad, though it has not been as severe as the suicidal depression. I'm still functional and trying to move forward, but I am absolutely rocked today. 

 

I'm trying to remind myself this is how it goes. Waves and Windows. I had some great windows over the weekend, showing my nervous system is stabilizing, and now I'm back in a wave, showing my nervous system has something it has to work out again. God when these waves come it feels so hard to be patient with them and trust that something "good" is happening. I just want to crawl out of my skin with the feelings that come during these waves. I'm doing everything I can to keep my seat and just keep getting on with my life. I have to believe that if I'm patient these waves will pass. Thousands of other people have also gone through this and have experienced  the same thing. I will make it through as well.

 

At least I'm noticing I'm more functional. I'm able to distract myself more than I could and I'm also able to kind of plow through the pain and do things that need to get done. What I want to do is curl up in a ball in bed and never leave, and I will give myself time for rest today. But I'm still going to try to live my life a little bit today and do what I can. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Update: I took yesterday off journaling. It just didn't seem so critical. Though things are still pretty challenging for me, I no longer feel so totally overwhelmed all the time that I can barely cope. I'm managing each day, doing my best and trying to move forward. Here is where I'm at now:

 

- Sleeping has improved a fair amount. I'm no longer getting waves of awful feeling in the middle of the night. My dreams are less vivid. My sleep is still disrupted however. I tried sleeping without melatonin last night. It took me a little bit longer to get down but I did sleep. I woke a couple times during the evening but fell back asleep after a short while. All in all not too bad.

- Waves of anxiety and depression have become drastically reduced. During the first couple of weeks it felt like my emotions would change at the drop of a hat. I wouldn't even be thinking about anything, suddenly something in me would shift and I would just feel different. These waves are markedly reduced in intensity and duration, though they still happen. I've also had no real periods of agitation this week. 

- I'm now dealing with waves and waves of neuro-emotions, and its really really awful and challenging. Almost anything can trigger me right now. Among other things, I'm dealing with an intensified fear of death, HUGE shame about past mistakes and regrets, really strong hypochondriasis and some OCD like stuff. A lot of ruminating thoughts that come paired with anxiety or depressed moods now, which wasn't happening before. This is much easier to cope with than what I was dealing with the first two weeks, but still very challenging, especially because the compelling nature of the feelings and ruminating thoughts can just pull me right in. Before I know it I'm wandering down a spiral of feeling to a dark place. Its been very hard, though effective, to remind myself that this is also a function of coming off of this medication; I would not be feeling this way if I had no taken these drugs and discontinued them. My mantra has been "Just don't think about it." and this has been helpful. I'm often surprised to find that something I was making a HUGE deal out of a few hours ago has now completely left my mind and is no longer a problem because I just accepted the experience and let it go. Some of the things I've been anxious of are also quite humorous and I can kind of laugh at them now.

- I've had intermittent physical symptoms, which seem to be a little more common this week. Headaches, tiredness, body aches, malaise all seem to be a daily thing now. 

 

These things have been helpful to me in various ways:

- Fish oil. I take it every day and have since very early on in the experience. I actually have no clue if its made a difference, but since I've taken it, and every day things are getting progressively easier, I have faith it is doing something. 

- Vitamin D- I often feel a noticeable boost in mood and energy after taking this. I don't find it too stimulating.

- Magnesium- It does take the edge off, but I don't find it all that powerful. I use about 500mg a day but sometimes skip doses and don't really notice much. 

- Acupressure- I hit points for depression, anxiety and insomnia every other day. Again, can't say for sure if this has made a difference, but the fact I'm getting better every day gives me faith it helps. I experienced only a short episode of PSSD and believe acupressure has helped to resolve some of that for me.

- Qi-Gong- I like doing Qi-Gong when I'm anxious. It does help me to focus on my body rather and reduce my ruminating thoughts, and this can be very helpful during escalating neuro-emotional states. I also do a short routine before bed to help with insomnia. Its not a cure-all but its making a difference for me.

- Connection- Talking with my family and friends about how I'm doing regularly helps me to cope. I can vent my feelings, receive encouragement and support, and it makes me feel less alone and hopeless in this experience. This has been a really really big help in coping, one of the most powerful things really. 

 

I think I'm moving forward in a good way. Acceptance and surrendering to the experience is really the only thing I can do, so I'm just rolling with that. I know in time my nervous system is going to come back together more and I will stop struggling so much. I can accept myself when I feel resistant to this, demoralized and hopeless. Its only natural to rage against things we can't control. In the meantime, I have a chance to practice a level of healthy coping I never did before this all happened, and that is kind of beautiful and gratifying in its own way. I probably wont post every day now, but will pop back on periodically to keep chronicling my journey. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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Update: Its been a few days since I've posted, and I'm glad to say I didn't post because I was doing mostly well and finding things manageable. Small waves of anxiety/depression would hit me but I was coping well and generally didn't find things too difficult. I did start to experience more irritability and anger from Friday-Monday, where I felt more standoffish and like I didn't want to be around anyone. Additionally, I had some moments of feeling "miserable" or "morose" but this felt less intense than depression, and was manageable. I would consider what I was mostly experiencing was neuro-emotions, and I was coping well with them. My sleep has also improved consistently and I have stopped taking melatonin. I am still waking in the middle of the night a couple of times but I go down easily. I have had some vivid dreams but no significant nightmares and am averaging 7-8 hours a night now.

 

Last night I didn't sleep as well. It took me some time to get down. I slept lighter and had lots of dreams. Today I was mostly okay in the morning, feeling a little irritable and sad, and coped well this afternoon. Around 3pm some depression rolled in which surprised me as it has been a few days since I've felt it to that significance. Since then, the wave has intensified. I'd say I'm at a 4/10 right now in depression (1/10 being the worst type of depression). This is very hard. It feels like a huge step back, though I know from the Windows/Waves theory that this is how it works. I know my body is adjusting things right now as part of my healing. Man its hard though, especially after days of relative stability and good progression. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow for a half day too and I'm anxious now about how that is going to go.

 

Feeling frustrated. Again regretting ever putting this medication in my body. Again confused and disoriented about who I am and what "my" true feelings are. Just wanting this to end. Urrrrgh.

 

I feel like I've got to go back to basic coping right now. Just focus on enduring. Surrender to the wave, since there is nothing I can do about it anyway. It will not last. I will find a way forward. I will heal. 

1998- Fluoxetine

2012- One dose of Escitalopram causes suicidal ideation. Started Venlafaxine. Successfully discontinued using a Fluoxetine bridge.

December 2021- 4 days of 5-HTP. Had some severe dysphoric symptoms trying to discontinue. Started Fluoxetine 10mg. Provided with five 1mg doses of Ativan as well.

January 6th- Continued to take Fluoxetine 10mg. Experienced deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 9th- 5mg dose. Experiencing deepened depression and suicidal ideation.

January 10th- Quit Fluoxerine CT

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