Scrountz: once again facing problems with AD meds

[Scrountz]

Just wanted to update again. The past couple of days have been really really rough. I ended up going home on Tuesday early from work. I was just gripped by strong feelings and had a sense I needed to be home. Phoned and friend and then talked with my partner for a long time when I got home, processing through more stuff that is coming up for me. This feels like somewhat familiar territory, in the realm of CPTSD stuff which I've been dealing with for a few years now, but just so much more intense and powerful. When it grips me I feel totally crazy and possessed, and just feel completely sucked in and have to struggle really hard to find my way back out.

 

Yesterday was more of the same. Depression rolled in in the morning, passive suicidal ideation and general misery. I went for a walk in the afternoon and was again gripped by this possessed feeling of needing to go and process. Ended up talking to my partner again for a long time, very challenging, overwhelming feelings, and very difficult to process through. Things always seem to clear up for me after talking things through in the afternoon and into the evening. Without these windows of relief this would be really hard.

 

Today I stayed home from work and things seem to be a little bit better, though the day is still early. 3-5 is the witching hour right now, where things are generally their most intense, so we'll see. I'm praying for safety and stability today. Its been so overwhelming when stuff comes up. I feel borderline psychotic, the way I just have to go into things and can't ground until I've talked my way through them. I don't know that my description is doing it justice but I'll say I'm pretty debilitated right now from these intense emotional symptoms and just doing my best to see myself through.

 

I'm convinced this is still ADR propelled. Its just too intense to not have some neurological underpinning. Plus I'm still dealing with a host of other symptoms, like skin burning dizziness, depersonalization and visual symptoms which lend themselves to the idea that this is another wave of ADR stuff. I just really hate that my trauma reactivity is brought into this, it makes it SOOOO much harder. To date this might be the most challenging part of this experience so far, and thats saying something, because January and March were brutal and bleak months. 

 

I hope it gets better. I know it will get better. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. 

[Ariel]

@Scrountz

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. My heart goes out to you. 

It does get better. You will heal. You are healing continuously, even now, even though it doesn't feel like it. 

Hang in there, dear Scrountz. 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

[Scrountz]

Thanks @Ariel, I appreciate the encouragement.

[Scrountz]

I think I'm finally starting to come out on the other side of this latest intense wave. Every day started to get markedly easier since Thursday. I went back to work Friday, and hard as it was, I made it through the day alright. More processing with my partner but it was a little bit less intense and more manageable.

 

Saturday was better still, though I did have an emotional flashback Saturday morning and needed a little bit of support with that. We had a mostly "normal" day though, going out for a hike with a friend, out for dinner, and then chilling at home. I mean I was still feeling strange and awful, stuff was still coming up, but I felt more contained.

 

Sunday was hard again too but I made it through. We talked about a lot more stuff but really came to a beautiful place at the end of the day.

 

And that's the thing, this wave has been awful, horrible, intense, impossibly difficult and I almost feel like I didn't make it through, but I also feel like its been really healing in a way. I've grappled with some of my toughest demons but the best of me has shown up too in this experience, and I've found some capacity to coagulate around that part of me again. 

 

I'm certainly not feeling all better. There was more stuff to grapple with today, and I don't feel my symptoms have fully resolved yet. I think I'm just moving back towards some more relative stability is all. I'm still feeling very anxious and terrified for what could be coming next, and just kind of shattered still by the experience I've already been through. Its still going to take me a long time I think to understand what I've just been through and realize its implications, let alone deal with other waves that come up. I have no way of knowing whats next for me, and thats still scary.

 

I dunno, I have a bit of faith though. I found something newly strong in me and that's beautiful. So I'll stay connected to that while I can.

[Scrountz]

My optimism Monday night was smashed pretty quickly yesterday and today. That seems to be a theme through this process, that when something gets put back together, something else falls down and breaks.

 

I got pretty hammered by neuro-emotions, especially neuro-shame yesterday. Came home and tried to process it through with my fiance, but things hit different. She is tired. I am tired. We're both tired of the chaos. We took a break from talking about stuff. This triggered a neuro-shame meltdown that pushed me deep into suicidality. The whole thing just got past me.

 

Today has been largely spent "cleaning" that up. Stayed home from work. So did she. Tried talking about it in the morning. Wouldn't loosen its grip. Called a crisis line. That kind of helped. Talked more in the afternoon. The spell finally started lifting.

 

After this I spent a lot of time just laying down in a kind of meditative way, just listening to my breath and accepting what I was feeling. It feels like there is a "beast" inside of me, trying to suck me in to self-destructive and doom/gloom thinking about my life. Rather than fighting, I just resigned to let the whole thing go. What can I really do? This isn't even me.

 

I'm exhausted. I think the stress of this whole experience has just worn me down. Despite evidence to the contrary (because I am still going and somehow finding my way) I still cant help but feel gripped by the fear that my life is falling apart. I just so badly want this to be over. My tank is out of gas. 

 

My parents are coming tomorrow to visit for my graduation. The ceremony is on Friday. The whole prospect of graduating, which should be an exciting experience, has just got me down. What if I have a breakdown on stage? What if I'm so depressed I just want to die through the whole thing. Trying not to get in bed with the doom and gloom thoughts. The next two days feel structured enough that I can just coast through them. After that? I just hope I'm more stable.

 

I won't let this beat me, but damn does it hit hard. 

 

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

 

You poor chap. These exhausting crashes really bite us don’t they?? 
 

I have no “Mr Fix it” ideas but only trust that your pleasant window of Monday will become the norm. 
 

It sounds like you dealt with this awful anxiety using the tools available to you. 
 

Have a peaceful rest now. 

 

Yours 

 

OD

[Scrountz]

Hey @OldDodgy, your posts seem to have a tendency to start a bit of a window for me, because after you posted I found myself in a bit of a window.

 

This last week has been better, but still challenging. I graduated on Friday and walked the stage with my fiance, who was in the same program as me and got the same degree. That day was really special. My parents visited to see us graduate and despite being symptomatic, the joy of the whole experience really sunk in. That was nice. I think I needed that, a mostly "good" day, where I managed symptoms well and where I felt some joy.

 

The next day was mostly positive too. Things have really shifted to like MEGA OCD for me primarily, and thats been interesting to encounter. Its been a huge revelation to realize the extent to which I struggled with OCD before the medication. While this neuro-OCD is a lot more intense than it was pre-meds, its hit home that this is a pervasive problem for me that has impacted almost every dimension of my life. Its encouraging to to feel like I can do something about this, and I have been.

 

My new mantra is "I do not respond to OCD", and I've been practicing ERP when stuff comes up for me, mostly by obdurately refusing to indulge in rumination, and often just laying on the floor, willing myself to relax, rather than indulge in the obsessions and their concomitant compulsive behaviours. Its been really hard at times, because the obsessions and anxiety can be INSANE, but I'm proud to say I've grappled through several episodes now with some success. I really have no choice; if I give into these OCD thoughts I'm only going to get tangled up and make my life way more difficult.

 

Monday and Tuesday weren't too bad. I was symptomatic those days but managed well. Last night I made the foolish decision to eat a little bit of deer sausage though, and I paid dearly for it. Right before bed I got hit with a wave of nausea and my anxiety ramped way up. I only slept about 2 hours last night because I was awakened by horrible anxiety and electric like sensations running up and down my back and legs. I could not fall back asleep and laid awake on the couch until 5 am, when I finally crawled back into bed and managed two more hours of fitful, light sleep. I took the morning off but went to work in the afternoon. I've had really crappy symptoms today. Anxiety, flu like symptoms, dizziness, more MEGA OCD, and even a bit of depression. My derealisation kicked into high gear today too and that has sucked hard. I'm sad and frustrated but trying to keep positive that this too shall pass and that I'm heading in the right direction.

 

In some ways things continue to feel absolutely awful for me and in some ways I'm starting to feel "better". I can't help but have the feeling I'm improving in some way, even though I still don't feel great. That's an odd feeling and the first time I've had that since this all started almost 5 months ago. I dunno, I feel a little bit more like the old me. I won't jinx it though, I still feel awful in so many ways. This ain't over but hopefully things ease up for me soon.

[Ariel]

@Scrountz

Congratulations on graduating!! 

Well done. 

I trust you will be an excellent counselor to many. 

All the best to you <3

[OldDodgy]

@Scrountz

 

Hi 

Congratulations. A while back you thought it was hopeless!!  Onwards and upwards!! 
 

A couple of things may be relevant to the mini wobble in the last few days  

 

You put in huge energy into conquering your demons and get to the finishing line. This will have used a lot of your available “spoons”.  We only have so many spoons a day. Read it up on the net. 
 

You clearly had a histamine surge after your deer sausages and I am sure that will abate. I use DAO plus before a meal that might be histamine rich. 
 

What impressed me about your post was the measured way you dealt with your cyclical thoughts. That’s a real step forward imho.  Ride out these rotten few days, the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter!! 
 

Very best wishes 

 

OD 

[Ariel]

Hi @Scrountz

Thinking of you <3

 

[Ariel]

Just stopping by to say hi and I'm thinking of you. 
Wishing you well and sending healing vibes <3

[Scrountz]

Its been a couple of months and I'm still dealing with things every day. I got really busy for a while preparing to move cities, and it just felt pointless to dwell on the cacophony of symptoms I'm still experiencing through journaling, so I haven't posted in a while.

 

Things have been pretty challenging still, with waves of symptoms most days. I've had the odd day here or there where things let up, but its mostly the same: varying intensities of anxiety, low grade self-hatred, despair and hopelessness. There is some degree of separation between me and my symptoms, such that I don't always feel completely dominated by them, and I'm more often than not able to distract myself from symptoms when I need to, but I'm still in it and getting better very very slowly.

 

I do have the vague sense that I continue to improve. I have had days with markedly fewer symptoms where I cope much better. Bad days are becoming less frequent (today is a bad day though, making it hard to take perspective). I'm hoping I continue to improve over time. 

 

I'm not working right now which is nice. Its reduced my stress, which has helped a bit. I'm going to have find work soon though so I'm a little bit concerned about that, but hoping it will feel more manageable as I keep getting better. 

 

So yeah, I just figured I'd speak up for chronicling purposes, and to keep people apprised of how I'm doing. Its still not great, but I'm hanging in there.

[Ariel]

Hi @Scrountz

It's so nice to hear from you! 

Thank you for sharing your update <3

Sorry you're having a rough day today and that you still contend with challenging waves of symptoms. 

It's great to read that in spite of this, you do notice improvement, however vague and gradual. 

I guess that's how it goes. This is such a long, hard road. Good on you for hanging in there.

Healing is happening, even when we don't consciously feel it <3

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Scrountz, how are you doing?

[Scrountz]

Hey @Altostrata, thanks for checking in.

 

I'm still experiencing withdrawal symptoms, but am coping well and am still gradually improving. My intrusive thoughts, anxiety, SI and brain fog are all less severe and occurring less frequently. I've also just recently started getting windows in the evening where I feel almost normal.

 

I'm getting married, moving and starting a new job all in the next few weeks, and withdrawal brain has made preparing for all of this a lot more difficult. Still, I think I'll make it, though it might not be pretty. 

 

Its hard to notice the changes day by day, but each month seems to be improved from the previous. I'm hoping in a couple more months that I'll be doing a lot better. I find myself drafting my success story in my head, and can't wait to be in a place where I can share that my healing is complete. 

[methuselah]

Hey Scrountz.  Great to hear the excellent update.  Your story and continued healing is quite reassuring.  Congrats on all the amazing things happening in your life rigjt now.  I hope it keeps getting better for you.

 

pS - I’m not even close to off the drugs yet but I also find myself sometimes thinking of things to write in my success story

[Altostrata]

What good news! Please do keep us updated.

[Scrountz]

Thought I'd post a little update, especially given the significance of the last few days. I had my wedding on Saturday, an absolutely blessed day that went as perfect as I could ever have imagined. I was fortunate that the clouds parted and symptoms were pretty mild that day; up until that point it had been mostly the same dp/dr, anxiety and neuroemotions.

 

I consider getting married a huge success, about as much success as I could ever have hoped for. Considering how I started the year, I had a great deal of anxiety about ever getting to this day, let alone getting through it without losing my mind. I love my wife, she has been a huge support, and I'm very happy to have married her.

 

So yeah, just thought I'd share that. I'm still symptomatic, still not sure how things are going to go for me over the next while, but I'm happy I made it to this day and through it in good spirits, and that's about all that matters to me right now. I start a new job next week and I'm looking forward to that, but more than a little bit nervous about how I'm going to function.

 

Here's hoping things keep getting better in a timely manner.

[Altostrata]

Congratulations! Hang in there, you're doing well.

[Scrountz]

Just thought I'd pop on here for another update as it been several weeks since I've last chronicled anything.

 

October was one hell of a month. I started work at my new job, in a new city, where my wife and I were not yet living. I was staying with friends or in AirBnbs for most of the month, going back "home" on the weekends. The stress of this venture certainly added an additional burden to my already damaged nervous system, but I'm happy to say made it through.

 

October brought many waves of strange and difficult symptoms, including bad DP/DR, depression, really strange states of consciousness with weird thinking, intrusive thoughts and insomnia. It's been a real soup, and not a fun one, but I'm also grateful to report that I've started having some really good windows, like real windows where I feel almost entirely free of symptoms and like "myself" again, and I haven't really experienced this since this whole thing began.

 

The windows started small, maybe just an evening here or there, but have gradually grown a full day, and most recently about 2.5 days over this weekend. It's been amazing to experience normalcy again, to feel like healing is actually happening, to feel on my way.

 

I'm back in a wave now. Insomnia has been a real beast I've had to try to get a handle on, especially now that I'm working again. I've had issues with cortisol spikes at night and waking up around 2am feeling strange and and dysphoric. Some nights I can sleep through it and others are more problematic. Sunday nights seem to be the worst nights for me, and this has been consistent for about 6 weeks now.

 

Anyway I'm settled into a new place now and starting to do better. Those good windows have been so encouraging and I hope they keep expanding over time. I'll try to pop back on in a few weeks and give another update.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you! Also good your nervous system responded well to the challenges.

[Thorin]

Hi, parts of our stories are very similar in that I have been addressing me cPTSD while withdrawing at the same time. Neuro emotions have definitely made this more difficult. Did you find that the WD made your PTSD symptoms worse than they may have been otherwise? That’s something I’m unsure about. Is my cPTSD as severe as it seems or will it improve as the WD do? I think the cPTSD is very real and quite severe but will still improve as WD do but will have to wait and see. It takes great strength to face your trauma so hats off to you. I have immense respect for anyone that tries to resolve their trauma and improve themselves. Also, your partner sounds very supportive. I am lucky in that mine is too which definitely helps. You should be proud of your strength and ability to persevere!

[Scrountz]

On 12/21/2022 at 4:25 PM, Thorin said:

Hi, parts of our stories are very similar in that I have been addressing me cPTSD while withdrawing at the same time. Neuro emotions have definitely made this more difficult. Did you find that the WD made your PTSD symptoms worse than they may have been otherwise? That’s something I’m unsure about. Is my cPTSD as severe as it seems or will it improve as the WD do? I think the cPTSD is very real and quite severe but will still improve as WD do but will have to wait and see. It takes great strength to face your trauma so hats off to you. I have immense respect for anyone that tries to resolve their trauma and improve themselves. Also, your partner sounds very supportive. I am lucky in that mine is too which definitely helps. You should be proud of your strength and ability to persevere!

 

Thanks for the kind words @Thorin

 

I think for me when I experienced neuro-emotion symptoms it was very similar to experiencing the kinds of symptoms I experience in regards to cPTSD. I've definitely had that question too many times over my withdrawal journey of whether what I'm experiencing is going to get better or whether its a reflection of my truly damaged mental health.

 

I'm still in the dark cloud of withdrawal, though things have really thinned out. All of my symptoms have become markedly improved, and so it seems my worries about severe cPTSD are unfounded. I wouldn't say I'm back to "normal" yet so its hard to gauge. If I do have a flashback I don't know if its withdrawal or a flashback still and that's difficult. It seems like most things are withdrawal because they ultimately just go away on their own in 24 hours or so, but its confusing sometimes. 

 

I think ultimately when withdrawal is over, I will probably still be dealing with cPTSD stuff, just not nearly to the severe degree I have. I'd take my worst flashback ever over half the **** I've experienced in withdrawal, its been truly awful.

 

Hope that helps. 

[Scrountz]

January 6th marked my one year anniversary from my adverse reaction. Today marks my one year anniversary from going cold turkey. This has prompted me to post a more comprehensive update for how I've been. I was a pretty prolific poster early on in withdrawal, but as things got more severe and strange, I stopped posting so much and just focused on enduring. I did not anticipate in those first few weeks of withdrawal, when things were already so severe and awful, how bad things would get for me before they would start to get better. But they're getting better, and that's all that really matters.

 

I would say I endured really really severe symptoms for the first 5 months or so, peaking in May-June 2022. Since then, things gradually levelled out to a "withdrawal normal" and have gradually improved from there. That withdrawal normal was some mixture of bad depersonalization/derealization, intense anxiety, depression, ruminating thoughts and self-hatred. This went on for months with little relief save for fairly consistent windows in the evening. Some days would be more severe and some days less, and  it was difficult to notice progress.

 

Starting in October things turned again. I began to have a much more mixed experience. I would have days that would feel very very bad again, sometimes feeling almost as bad as those first few months, and other days where I started to feel markedly better. I suppose you could say I had my first bigger windows in October, where the whole day would be a better one. These were always short lived, never more than a day or two, and then things would swing back to pretty awful again most days.

 

In about mid November things started to improve again. My windows started to get better. Again, maybe just 2-3 days, but those days would feel better than the windows in October. Things would swing back again, sometimes severely (I've had my fair share of dark days still), but the average day was better than it had been, and I've been gripping to that.

 

December has seen an improvement yet again. I had a window of 3-4 days over Christmas. Windows have really been me starting to feel a lot more normal. Symptoms, when they come back, have started to be less severe. I'm no longer experiencing the "withdrawal normal" which plagued me for a few months. I can still have severe days, and they're pretty awful, but they're shorter lived and there are more windows.

 

As I write this I'm back into a wave of sorts, but I just came off a 4 day window. Friday I worked and was at a friend's birthday and I don't think I thought about withdrawal the whole day. That's pretty huge progress from where I was even 6 weeks ago.

 

To give another perspective on my progress, here's a list of some things I'm still experiencing:

 

- Headaches (This ones new for me. I didn't get them much in early withdrawal but they've probably been my most frequent symptom since November)

- Depression (This comes and goes. Generally doesn't last longer than 24 hours. The last episode lasted just two hours)

- Depresonalization/Derealization (Markedly reduce in severity. So much better than it was but still plagues me most days)

 

I'm not really experiencing these things anymore:

 

- Intrusive thoughts/ruminating thoughts (No more MEGA OCD for me. The occasional day where I ruminate a bit on the past or beat myself up most of the day. Markedly less anxiety)

- Anxiety (So much less anxiety. I'd say this symptom has nearly resolved for me)

- Parathesia (Haven't really experienced skin burning in a while)

- Insomnia (My sleep quality has improved a lot, especially over the last couple of weeks. I'm sleeping deeper and more consistently)

- Suicidal ideation (This was a near daily symptom for me for many weeks in withdrawal. My last bout of this was about 30 days ago and only lasted a day)

 

I'm starting to feel confident I'm going to heal fully. I'm not sure how long its going to take, but the fact that things have improved a lot gives me hope. Though I'm having some rough days still, things are better.

 

For me the healing process is really slow and very back and forth and very consistent with the notion of waves and windows. Things keep changing and there is no set pattern. I could be having a wave of awful symptoms that feel impossible to cope with and start to convince myself I'm getting worse, and then feel suddenly fine and better than I've felt in months. Generally when a new wave starts my symptoms will feel different than any other time in withdrawal, which has also made things hard to predict. Its very hard to describe so I can only use words like "strange, weird, all over the place". 

 

So yeah, thats my update. Feels good to be sharing some good progress now. I hope if other people read this it gives them some hope. Its been one year for me and many many many days where I could see no light and felt totally hopeless. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other though and here I am.

 

 

 

[Thorin]

41 minutes ago, Scrountz said:

January 6th marked my one year anniversary from my adverse reaction. Today marks my one year anniversary from going cold turkey. This has prompted me to post a more comprehensive update for how I've been. I was a pretty prolific poster early on in withdrawal, but as things got more severe and strange, I stopped posting so much and just focused on enduring. I did not anticipate in those first few weeks of withdrawal, when things were already so severe and awful, how bad things would get for me before they would start to get better. But they're getting better, and that's all that really matters.

 

I would say I endured really really severe symptoms for the first 5 months or so, peaking in May-June 2022. Since then, things gradually levelled out to a "withdrawal normal" and have gradually improved from there. That withdrawal normal was some mixture of bad depersonalization/derealization, intense anxiety, depression, ruminating thoughts and self-hatred. This went on for months with little relief save for fairly consistent windows in the evening. Some days would be more severe and some days less, and  it was difficult to notice progress.

 

Starting in October things turned again. I began to have a much more mixed experience. I would have days that would feel very very bad again, sometimes feeling almost as bad as those first few months, and other days where I started to feel markedly better. I suppose you could say I had my first bigger windows in October, where the whole day would be a better one. These were always short lived, never more than a day or two, and then things would swing back to pretty awful again most days.

 

In about mid November things started to improve again. My windows started to get better. Again, maybe just 2-3 days, but those days would feel better than the windows in October. Things would swing back again, sometimes severely (I've had my fair share of dark days still), but the average day was better than it had been, and I've been gripping to that.

 

December has seen an improvement yet again. I had a window of 3-4 days over Christmas. Windows have really been me starting to feel a lot more normal. Symptoms, when they come back, have started to be less severe. I'm no longer experiencing the "withdrawal normal" which plagued me for a few months. I can still have severe days, and they're pretty awful, but they're shorter lived and there are more windows.

 

As I write this I'm back into a wave of sorts, but I just came off a 4 day window. Friday I worked and was at a friend's birthday and I don't think I thought about withdrawal the whole day. That's pretty huge progress from where I was even 6 weeks ago.

 

To give another perspective on my progress, here's a list of some things I'm still experiencing:

 

- Headaches (This ones new for me. I didn't get them much in early withdrawal but they've probably been my most frequent symptom since November)

- Depression (This comes and goes. Generally doesn't last longer than 24 hours. The last episode lasted just two hours)

- Depresonalization/Derealization (Markedly reduce in severity. So much better than it was but still plagues me most days)

 

I'm not really experiencing these things anymore:

 

- Intrusive thoughts/ruminating thoughts (No more MEGA OCD for me. The occasional day where I ruminate a bit on the past or beat myself up most of the day. Markedly less anxiety)

- Anxiety (So much less anxiety. I'd say this symptom has nearly resolved for me)

- Parathesia (Haven't really experienced skin burning in a while)

- Insomnia (My sleep quality has improved a lot, especially over the last couple of weeks. I'm sleeping deeper and more consistently)

- Suicidal ideation (This was a near daily symptom for me for many weeks in withdrawal. My last bout of this was about 30 days ago and only lasted a day)

 

I'm starting to feel confident I'm going to heal fully. I'm not sure how long its going to take, but the fact that things have improved a lot gives me hope. Though I'm having some rough days still, things are better.

 

For me the healing process is really slow and very back and forth and very consistent with the notion of waves and windows. Things keep changing and there is no set pattern. I could be having a wave of awful symptoms that feel impossible to cope with and start to convince myself I'm getting worse, and then feel suddenly fine and better than I've felt in months. Generally when a new wave starts my symptoms will feel different than any other time in withdrawal, which has also made things hard to predict. Its very hard to describe so I can only use words like "strange, weird, all over the place". 

 

So yeah, thats my update. Feels good to be sharing some good progress now. I hope if other people read this it gives them some hope. Its been one year for me and many many many days where I could see no light and felt totally hopeless. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other though and here I am.

 

 

 

Glad you posted that. Many of the symptoms that are resolving for you I’m currently experiencing. Intrusive thoughts/ruminating probably the worst at the moment.

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Scrountz said:

I think for me when I experienced neuro-emotion symptoms it was very similar to experiencing the kinds of symptoms I experience in regards to cPTSD. I've definitely had that question too many times over my withdrawal journey of whether what I'm experiencing is going to get better or whether its a reflection of my truly damaged mental health.

Exactly this myself. I can’t tell whether it’s ‘me’ or withdrawal. Hope this becomes clearer as I continue to taper.

1 hour ago, Scrountz said:

I'm still in the dark cloud of withdrawal, though things have really thinned out. All of my symptoms have become markedly improved, and so it seems my worries about severe cPTSD are unfounded. I wouldn't say I'm back to "normal" yet so its hard to gauge. If I do have a flashback I don't know if its withdrawal or a flashback still and that's difficult. It seems like most things are withdrawal because they ultimately just go away on their own in 24 hours or so, but its confusing sometimes. 

I’m also experiencing this. My emotional flashbacks of that’s what they are last a day or so and then just stop bothering me for a while. Then they come back. It’s both horrible and bizarre.

1 hour ago, Scrountz said:

think ultimately when withdrawal is over, I will probably still be dealing with cPTSD stuff, just not nearly to the severe degree I have. I'd take my worst flashback ever over half the **** I've experienced in withdrawal, its been truly awful.

 

Hope that helps. 

I’m assuming same for me. I’ll still have trauma to deal with but hopefully it won’t be as overwhelming as it is currently. Your reply did help. Thank you

[peaceandlove]

You don’t experience any physical problems like GI issues, or rashes etc ?

[Scrountz]

3 hours ago, peaceandlove said:

You don’t experience any physical problems like GI issues, or rashes etc ?

 

I've had the occasional bout of GI issues over the course of my withdrawal. Some diarrhea, nausea, stomach discomfort, and plenty of GERD for a while, but I'd consider this a pretty mild feature of my withdrawal compared to the psychological side of things.

 

I've dealt with plenty of other physical symptoms though, and more so now as time wanes on. Headaches/head pressure have been more common as of late. I've definitely been dealing with more fatigue too. I've had chest pains, pain running up and down my neck, pain up and down my back.

 

No rashes or anything like that. I did have a bilirubin spot on my arm back in March-April of last year, I wasn't sure where it came from but thought it perhaps could be withdrawal related. It went away on its own though.

 

Things are getting better in general for me. Dealing with a lot less symptoms than I have been, especially these past couple of weeks. I hope it helps to hear that someone is doing better!

[Chompoo]

@Scrountz thank you for the one year anniversary update. Healing is non-linear and very frustrating, and this post helped me to understand the process better. It confirms what everyone says but I have trouble believing sometimes - that even in waves when we feel much worse, we are still healing. Really appreciate this post.