ninaumi: Finding a way to tell my story and feel included by the outside world

[ninaumi]

I hope that I can change the title sometime later. 

 

Hello! My name is Nina, and I'm from Serbia, and I'm living there, but I hope to move sometime in the future.

 

I've been quite insecure, especially in the past few years, when it comes to social encounters, even online, so I don't know what to say or how to express myself, and do things the right way here, or anywhere else. 

 

I finally registered because something I read praising the psych drugs in the guise of taking care of mental health put me off, and I wanted to vent and find help for making me more resilient to these things. I am hypersensitive to that more than anything else. But, I now see that I need to first write the introduction post. 

 

I am feverish right now, a few days after getting the vaccine for C, and expressing myself to people feels too draining to me, so I'll keep it short, but I'll add on to it soon.  I also have hormonal issues, from my 3 chronic conditions. 

 

I'm overall isolated but got off the meds cold turkey. I was on two of them in the end (though I have been at times on one at the time, or a few of them, so polydrugged, though more often the latter). Those were duloxetine and aripiprazole. I got off the latter first, in October 2020, then off the other one in December that year. It was weird and hell for the first few months, and I've been experiencing a domino effect since then, but it was never so horrifying like the first month or so. I consider myself privileged in the way I don't need to work or take care of myself and my surroundings, as I have a mother who takes care of most things and still has a job, so I could afford to cold turkey. I considered tapering still, but I was so sick of seeing the drugs and relying on them and needing to see my prescriber, whom I couldn't stand. I couldn't stand seeing any more know-it-all pseudo-doctors, who would gladly make me cry and shame me, so just traumatize me to no end (and this is nothing in terms of what I went through with that system). 
I'd also get back to smaller doses, but I also have chronic conditions, and I have issues with seeking help in that regard too, mainly for the same reasons (I'm doctor-phobic, as even those weren't the kindest to me), and I have no idea what is the symptom of my underlying conditions and what is withdrawal. I'm wondering how I can be more knowledgeable in that regard, but I can't find any info on that. Even if I started treatment, I wouldn't know how to measure progress and what could be solved and what would be there outside my conditions, etc. So, I don't know if my withdrawal symptoms are too debilitating, or I just don't take care of my underlying conditions well enough... 

I forgot to mention my history. It is because I don't think it's important for me, and I don't remember most of it. I started with a small dose of clonazepam, which I got from a neuroscientist who was a husband of my therapist, for intrusive thoughts at night due to which I couldn't sleep, and anxiety when I went to school. Once, I binged on them for 6 hours, and got 12 mg total, when my ex abused me through the phone and went to a psych hospital since I didn't know where else to search for help. I didn't know the city I lived in, as I was new there when I started high school. To this day, a little has changed, even though I've been there for 14 years. This town I live in feels like "mental illness" to me. I never got around, I didn't find myself, only grew to hate it and feel excluded like I never did before, and on my own. I mostly spent these 14 years in self-isolation, and I'm 29 now. When I got to the ward, they flushed the pills out of my system, and then I was admitted for the first time at 19. There, I was put on risperidone and biperiden and went on to go to the same psychiatrist for a year who kept me on those two. I made a mistake to keep my mouth shut and don't talk about my issues with the drugs for more than 6 months, after which they already thought I'd been great on them like they made me feel alright and that it is my ideal therapy... 😕 Then, after some chaotic circumstances, I switched the practitioner, and then that guy switched abruptly and pollydrugged me so much for years. Then, he started losing his mind, and I looked for a new "doctor" once again, and I found myself with the last one. She placed me on the two drugs I stopped taking in 2020.

 

It looks like I wrote quite much, more than I initially thought I will. But, that's it for now. 

 

Edited February 9, 2022 by ChessieCat
added spacing

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @ninaumi

 

The last drugs you took were duloxetine and aripiprazole, in late 2021? How do you feel now?

 

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