Linda2001: Getting rid of Lamotrigine first!

[Linda2001]

Hello,

This is my first post. I am dizzy at the moment, and thus I couldn't' find the "How to make a Signature" thread again. I'll look it up after i post

 

Anyway, an intro about me.

 

I'm a 40 year old female.  I come from a family, while very loving, has a lot of anxiety, some history of addiction and some health problems.

 

I've always had a problem relating to people. I've always been physically unhealthy as well. When i was 11 years old, I was bullied, my best friend stopped talking to me and I had a nervous breakdown and stopped going to school. My parents got me into a private school, which while it helped the bullying, i was very depressed and had sleep problems throughout my teens. It may have been made worse by my taking the steroid Prednizone for my childhood asthma (I found out I get anxiety when i take it when I was in my 30s)

 

Anyway, in 1999 in my freshman year of college i was so sleep deprived that I was hallucinating , and I ended up the university's psych office. I had to try several different medications, finally landed on Lexapro (escitalopram), and i was able to sleep. The hallucinations went away almost immediately.

 

I took Lexapro on and off until around 2015 (?). I occasionally had panic attacks that put me in the ER around 5 times in 20 years, but I was doing better overall.

 

Like everyone else on this planet, Covid caused my life to spin out of control, work was extremely stressful and had mandatory Overtime, i was in a long term very bad relationship, and in Sept through Nov of 2021, several family members died of various things. I got sick, went to the doctor and was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure (though i've always been extremely overweight, I had lab tests to prove i developed those between 2019 and 2021). I was put on medications for both those conditions. I knew it was the overwhelm of life, so i asked my primary care nurse practitioner to put me on something for the anxiety. I got Busiprone (5 mg tabs, take 1 in morning and 1 in evening)

 

Within a week i was having constant panic attacks, to the point I was going home every day,   I ended up having my parents call 911 because i thought i was having a heart attack, ended up in the ER again, and was prescribed hydroxyzine (25 mg tabs, up to 3 a day as needed). 

 

I was so desperate I took a leave of absence from work and ended up in a partial hospitalization program where i was prescribed citalopram, which made me feel worse, i asked for Lexpro (escitalopram) and that gave me a full night of intrusive thoughts and refused that one. I was doing a lot better with the therapy and some of the Buspirone (i hate meds so i mostly took 1 or 1.5 ), but i was told i NEEDED to get an outside psychiatrist so i could transition out of the program. Me, the idiot, went like a good little girl, and was told i was still very depressed and so i was prescribed Lamotrigine (25 mg tabs, 1 per day for 2 weeks, then 2 tabs after)

 

Then i freaking got Covid, and i felt AWFUL. In hindsight, i was also probably reacting terribly to the Lamotrigine on top of being exhausted and sick.

Anyway, while especially sick (feb 2022), i took my full doses of Lamotrigine and Buspirone and also 1 tab of hydroxyzine. I had adrenaline pumping through my body for 24 hours. I was now terrified of the Lamotrigine and Buspirone and stopped taking them. 

 

to the best of my recollection, i started getting a little bit dizzy about Feb 06 2022. 

 

My therapist at the facility told me about a week later I needed to start taking them again. I did, but half doses and I have felt progressively WORSE and Worse. I'm barely sleeping and LIVID I listened to these doctors and have now screwed up my life for awhile. I am supposed to start work on Monday, and i HAVE to work and I can barely function. Although I Did break up with my boyfriend last night, who was not at all supportive.

 

I have an appointment with the Psychiatric Nurse practitioner on Wednesday.  Today I took approx 2.5 mgs of Buspirone and 20 mgs of Lamotrigine. I'm struggling to stabilize right now.

 

Right now my symptoms are dizziness, and the smallest sounds make me jump, and I cry a LOT. I'm also coughing a lot but that could be the remnants of covid and/or the terrible side effects of the blood pressure medication. I absolutely regret taking Lamotrigine. Although I do think this war will be the making of me.  

 

Thank you for all your help!

 

 

 

[Linda2001]

I slept! I played bible verses with music all night from Youtube and i slept!!! 
 

im terrified to take my morning buspirone

[Linda2001]

I guess i should say i have no idea what to take since i did a week if CT and then got back on the med wagon. My gut is telling me keep with the 2.5 mg of buspirone and a quarter tab (~ 6 mg) of lamictal. I know it’s a bad idea mess with dosages but since i did that week of nothing I’m at a loss on what to do. Lay person advice please??

[Linda2001]

I took approx 6 mg of Lamotrigine and 2.5 mg os buspirone last night. i listened to Bible verses about God loving me and i did sleep again! 5 hours i think! Thank you God!

 

i no longer test positive for covid but I’m hacking up phlegm ocassionally and it it interferes with sleep. Found out post nasal drip can be a side effect of this drug. Thank God i have an answer!

 

 this experience is absolutely gotten me on my knees, which i am grateful for. There is a Bible verse saying thank God for everything, and for the first time in me life, i get it. Im still dizzy, thank God for it, hacking up at night? thank God for it. Because it gave me the strength to break up with my boyfriend which i needed to do years ago. Im thankful just to be alive now. Im thankful for hugs from my parents, my parents love, for my whole life, for the grass under my feet, my bed, my hair. Hell, im thankful even for the fat on my body. The real test is if the symptoms get worse, i need to keep thanking God.

 

Im really facing the fact i got myself into this mess. Not only have a been a bitter person my whole life since i was a kid, i think it was because i bought into the completely false notion that life can be perfect in this life. It cant! Hello, Linda, we die! So i kept trying for perfection and hating life because it wasnt perfect right now.
 

i ignored myself for years, looking to gurus and doctors and magazines and health coaches to be perfect, and learned to ignore that still small voice inside of me that was screaming for rest.

Ya know, i was in the middle of the therapy program, and i had started listening to that still small voice and had stopped citalopram and Escitalopram because of the side effects effects. But out of the need to please the staff at the psych hospital and conform, I found a psych practice that only prescribes meds. I remember questioning the psych nurse practitioner when she said i scored very low meaning i was very depressed still. I remember feeling confused because i felt so much better and had real hope. Of course i was so low in doing things, I’d just had the worst two years of my life, and in the previous 9 months had 2 pets die, my mom had a nervous breakdown, i wasnt strong enough to leave my relationship, i was bitter, angry, i lost friends, i was people pleasing, especially at work, too scared to confront anyone on anything, and i was working myself to death. And then 2 uncles and my grandfather died, my precious tata, and then i found out i had several health problems?’ Compounded by the fact i was believing life could be perfect?! Wtf, of course i was still scoring low. I had only had 4 weeks of therapy at the time. Of course i wasnt jumping for joy yet! I was just content to be alive. I didn’t realize that was enough at the time. I still wanted life to be perfect and easy.
 

So i decided to take the damn meds to be happy, because i loved myself and the nurse practitioner said i was depressed.

but if i hadnt taken the meds, and upended my life, maybe I’d still be trusting others instead of myself and God. Maybe i wouldnt have broken up with my now ex boyfriend (which absolutely needed to be done). I would be people pleasing still, and that’s actually deadly, rather than this just super duper awful drug. So yeah, the Bible says all things work together for good for those that love Him. Im choosing to believe and act on that, because it’s true. And it’s already proving true. The Biblical story of Joseph in Egypt also has the theme of what was meant for evil, God means for good. Im choosing to believe that and find joy in that, because it’s true too. thank you God.

 

 

Dear LORD, thank you for this site. Please bless everyone on here, not just with physical brain and body healing, but to look toward you, surrender to You, and get that peace that passes all understanding throughout our entire lives. Please bless us to feel Your comforting presence in this dark night of the soul. This is really tough, God, and i dont even have it as bad as others. Please continue to heal us and help us find meaning and joy in these lives youve given us, even during this torment and pain. Thank you for giving is inhuman strength to live each day. Please help me through this. Im scared but I’ll keep thanking you and loving you, with no end. Amen!

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Linda2001

 

What are you taking now, at what times o'clock and dosages? 

 

This is a site for going off psychiatric drugs. It sounds like you requested them and want to continue them? If you want to continue on your drugs, please talk to your prescribers about potential adverse effects from the drugs they prescribe.

 

Please let us know if you'd like help tapering off.

[Linda2001]

Oh i definitely want off these rancid things asap. Right now i dont know if what im experiencing is withdrawl, side effects, or a combo of both. That’s the only reason i want to stabilize is to minimize these ghastly side effects and/or withdrawl before tapering safely.
 

Ive been cutting my tablets at what i think the lowest dose i can handle. Ive been taking approximately 2.5 mgs of buspirone (1/2 a pill) and approximately 6.5 mgs of Lamotrigine (1/4 pill) once at night about 7 pm. This will be my fourth day.

 

my memory is fuzzy, but to the best of my recollection  ive been on Buspirone since late november 2021 (1 pill of 5 mgs, 2 x a day) and started taking Lamotrigine the last few days of December 2021 (1 pill of 25 mgs first two weeks , then increase to 2 pills/ 50 mgs per week but i stayed at 1 pill. I believe i may have had side effects but i was having side effects from non psychiatric meds and then i got covid so i dont know for sure. My gut says yes). I believe i took them until 3rd or 4th week of January when  i took the full 50 mgs of Lamotrigine that made me extremely sick and went cold turkey probably jan 31st. I think i mentioned it to my therapist on feb 4, who told me to go back up. Thats when these super duper lame issues started. 

 

ill update my signature to be more clear when i get home.  Ive also started keeping a diary like this site suggests. Ive noticed i feel a lot better about an hour or two before i take my next doses.
 

thank you again for all your (non medical) advice!!

 

edit: my goal is to never take psych meds again. The therapy works wonders!!

Edited February 14, 2022 by Linda2001
Forgot a line about never wanting to be on drugs again

[Altostrata]

What drug reductions have you made in the last 3 months?

[Linda2001]

now able to look at my diary:

 

buspirone - 5 to 10 mgs (Nov 21) --> 0 mgs (~ feb 07, 22) --> 2.5 mg ( feb 11, 22)

lamotrigine - 25 mgs (Dec 29 21) --> 50 mgs (~ Jan 31, 22) --> 0 mgs (~ Feb 02, 22) --> ~ 20 mgs (~ Feb 08, 2022) --> ~ 6.5 mgs (feb 11, 22)

[Linda2001]

Ugh i forgot i take 25 mg as needed of Hydroxozine. Havent taken in since the first withdrawl symptoms and i just took one. Maybe i can sleep then

 

EDIT:   I really cant take this. I took the rest of the shaved pill so i think i got another 15 mgs of Lamotrigine so i have a total of 25 ish today. I will update as my new dose. *crosses fingers this will stabilize me in a few days so i can start the three month waiting period before tapering down*

[Linda2001]

Yay sleep! Got like 3 hours i think. My74 year old mom slept in my bed  with me by my request. Im so thankful!

 

woke up with heart racing  of course. Also, i have red spots near my groin. Same thing happened when i took full doses of everything. Also i get these hot spots sometimes cause im fat but i think it’s because if the meds. Im confident it is NOT steven johnsons syndrome. 

 

i am stopping looking at others stories. Im a total hypochondriac anyway and it’s not good for me. Im just going ti research taperinf and my thread and that’s it!

[Altostrata]

Very confused by your drug changes over the last 3 months. Has frequently going up and down on your dosages been your practice since you started Lexapro in 1999?

 

20 hours ago, Linda2001 said:

Ive been taking approximately 2.5 mgs of buspirone (1/2 a pill) and approximately 6.5 mgs of Lamotrigine (1/4 pill) once at night about 7 pm. This will be my fourth day.

 

 

This will be your fourth day of what?

 

Please keep daily notes of times o’clock you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day. We need to know how you feel before and after taking each drug, and your symptoms in between. Post 24 hours of notes at a time in this topic, in a simple list format with time o’clock on the left and notation (symptom or drug and dosage) on the right. This can show if your symptoms are adverse effects from one of your drugs.

[Chlo]

On 2/12/2022 at 8:24 AM, Linda2001 said:

I took approx 6 mg of Lamotrigine and 2.5 mg os buspirone last night. i listened to Bible verses about God loving me and i did sleep again! 5 hours i think! Thank you God!

 

i no longer test positive for covid but I’m hacking up phlegm ocassionally and it it interferes with sleep. Found out post nasal drip can be a side effect of this drug. Thank God i have an answer!

 

 this experience is absolutely gotten me on my knees, which i am grateful for. There is a Bible verse saying thank God for everything, and for the first time in me life, i get it. Im still dizzy, thank God for it, hacking up at night? thank God for it. Because it gave me the strength to break up with my boyfriend which i needed to do years ago. Im thankful just to be alive now. Im thankful for hugs from my parents, my parents love, for my whole life, for the grass under my feet, my bed, my hair. Hell, im thankful even for the fat on my body. The real test is if the symptoms get worse, i need to keep thanking God.

 

Im really facing the fact i got myself into this mess. Not only have a been a bitter person my whole life since i was a kid, i think it was because i bought into the completely false notion that life can be perfect in this life. It cant! Hello, Linda, we die! So i kept trying for perfection and hating life because it wasnt perfect right now.
 

i ignored myself for years, looking to gurus and doctors and magazines and health coaches to be perfect, and learned to ignore that still small voice inside of me that was screaming for rest.

Ya know, i was in the middle of the therapy program, and i had started listening to that still small voice and had stopped citalopram and Escitalopram because of the side effects effects. But out of the need to please the staff at the psych hospital and conform, I found a psych practice that only prescribes meds. I remember questioning the psych nurse practitioner when she said i scored very low meaning i was very depressed still. I remember feeling confused because i felt so much better and had real hope. Of course i was so low in doing things, I’d just had the worst two years of my life, and in the previous 9 months had 2 pets die, my mom had a nervous breakdown, i wasnt strong enough to leave my relationship, i was bitter, angry, i lost friends, i was people pleasing, especially at work, too scared to confront anyone on anything, and i was working myself to death. And then 2 uncles and my grandfather died, my precious tata, and then i found out i had several health problems?’ Compounded by the fact i was believing life could be perfect?! Wtf, of course i was still scoring low. I had only had 4 weeks of therapy at the time. Of course i wasnt jumping for joy yet! I was just content to be alive. I didn’t realize that was enough at the time. I still wanted life to be perfect and easy.
 

So i decided to take the damn meds to be happy, because i loved myself and the nurse practitioner said i was depressed.

but if i hadnt taken the meds, and upended my life, maybe I’d still be trusting others instead of myself and God. Maybe i wouldnt have broken up with my now ex boyfriend (which absolutely needed to be done). I would be people pleasing still, and that’s actually deadly, rather than this just super duper awful drug. So yeah, the Bible says all things work together for good for those that love Him. Im choosing to believe and act on that, because it’s true. And it’s already proving true. The Biblical story of Joseph in Egypt also has the theme of what was meant for evil, God means for good. Im choosing to believe that and find joy in that, because it’s true too. thank you God.

 

 

Dear LORD, thank you for this site. Please bless everyone on here, not just with physical brain and body healing, but to look toward you, surrender to You, and get that peace that passes all understanding throughout our entire lives. Please bless us to feel Your comforting presence in this dark night of the soul. This is really tough, God, and i dont even have it as bad as others. Please continue to heal us and help us find meaning and joy in these lives youve given us, even during this torment and pain. Thank you for giving is inhuman strength to live each day. Please help me through this. Im scared but I’ll keep thanking you and loving you, with no end. Amen!

Welcome @Linda2001Just breath! Try taking an epsum salt bath, meditation, get some sunshine, walk in yard bare footed, and most of all PRAY! God will never forsake you. He will give you peace during the storm. Here is a link that I go to daily.

https://baylissa.com/

[Linda2001]

@Altostrata

I haven't been on Lexapro in years, but yes, when i did take it, i kinda just took it as needed since i was getting it from discount clinics. 

 

Quote

"Ive been taking approximately 2.5 mgs of buspirone (1/2 a pill) and approximately 6.5 mgs of Lamotrigine (1/4 pill) once at night about 7 pm. This will be my fourth day."

 

*** This will be my fourth day taking those dosages.

 

I will post my diary as you instructed. I'm sure you're used to hearing this, but thank you for being patient with me as my brain and body are so addled. It is much appreciated.

[Linda2001]

 diary catch up, sadly it begins spotty.

 

Fri Feb 11, 2022

* 1607 hrs  - dizziness 80% subsided while walking outside. sunlight seems to settle my eyes. queasy stomach.

* 1941 hrs - 2.5 mgs buspirone, 6.5 mgs lamotrigine, 500 mgs metformin. coughing up clear salty phlemg (Covid related?)

 

Sat Feb 12, 2022

* 0500 - woke up, slept about 6 hrs.

* ~ 1000 - 500 mgs metformin around breakfast. feel queasy

* 1830- feeling a lot less dizzy

* 1700 - 6.5 mg lamotragine, 2.5 mgs buspirone, 500 mgs metformin, ate dinner around this time

* 2300 - dizziness more pronounced

 

Sun Feb 13, 2022

* 0400  - woke up

* 0800-0830 - napped

* 0830 - very dizzy

* ??? - 500 mgs metformin around breakfast

* 1200 - dizziness faded

* 1930 - 6.5 mgs lamotrigine, 2.5 mgs buspirone, 500 mgs metformin. ate dinner around this time.

* 2000 - heart rate up. 

* 2130 - dizziness feels worse, constant plugged nose, feel i can't swallow right or breathe even though

 

Mon Feb 14, 2022

* 0500 - slept about 5 hours, coughed all night, alarm clock set off rush of adrenaline, stomach gurgling, slightly dizzy

* ??? - 500 mgs metformin around breakfast

* 0700 - 1730 - first day back at work and CANNOT concentrate to save my life. dizziness very bad. 

* 1630-1830 felt drowsy, dizziness let up a lot

* 1830 - ate dinner (pizza) now heart rate up and dizziness back, coughing a lot, 6.5 mgs lamotrigine and 2.5 mgs buspirone, 500 mgs metformin

* 2000 - 6.5 mgs lamotrigine, 2.5 mgs buspirone, 500 mgs metformin

 

For Tuesday 02/15 (i'll post the full one day tomorrow but this is important)

* 0130 - still can't sleep, racing thoughts, cough with blocked nose, took 25 mgs hydroxyzine, part of lamotragine i had cut off previous. probably approximated 15 mgs?

* 0530 - woke up with heart pounding, big red spot on groin which does not hurt but is warm to touch. I REMEMBER the last time i took all 3 pills about Jan 31st, i woke up with a giant red spot on my groin too and that one burned.

 

 

[Linda2001]

@Chlo Thank you for your kind and very true words!!! 

It's funny but i crave walking outside barefoot in the grass, and I often rest outside in the sun. I crave being in nature. walking helps. 

we only have a shower, darn it! It's for my senior citizen parents. I'll do the rest though!

I looked up baylissa before. I'll definitely give her a try!!

 

Much love to you and Altostrata!

[Linda2001]

Tuesday Feburary 15, 2022

 

* 0130 - still can't sleep, racing thoughts, cough with blocked nose, took 25 mgs hydroxyzine, part of lamotrigine i had cut off previous. probably approximated 15 mgs? so upset i asked my mom to sleep in the bed with  me.

* 0530 -~ 3 hours of sleep. woke up with heart pounding, big red spot on groin which does not hurt but is warm to touch. I REMEMBER the last time i took all 3 pills about Jan 31st, i woke up with a giant red spot on my groin too and that one burned.

* 0700- start work. so dizzy couldn't drive so Dad drove me. ❤️

* 0900 - finally hungry, ate breakfast + 500 mgs metformin

* 1430 - triggering topics at work is normal, but i cannot take them at ALL. so dizzy, cannot concentrate, extreme anxiety + heart racing, nauseated, semi suicidal thoughts. Parents drove me home. 

* 1500-1700 - decided I am most important in my life (screw work and debt) and dizziness let up a lot 🤩, able to walk outside for a few minutes, tried to read a book but CANNOT CONCENTRATE.

* 1900- pizza again, heart rate increasing again, dizziness back, coughing + Phlegm

* 2000- 25 mg Lamotrigine, 2.5 buspirone, 500 mgs metformin. i've been noticing the past week my breathing is always in my stomach and somewhat shallow. I don't think i've ever breathed like this.

* 2039 - anytime i move, heart is pounding

* 2100-2245 - chatted with friend, relaxed + drowsy. Groin red spot seems to be subsiding, smells bad. Very dizzy so that I swaying side to side even while sitting. Drank water and coughed up phlegm.

 

[Linda2001]

So… saw my text psychiatric nurse practitioner today and it went nearly exactly how my gut said it would. She wants me to cold turkey immediately off of Lamotrigine, due to the 2 rashes i got. Curiously she was a lot less concerned how dizzy and unable to concentrate i am. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

since i refused an alternative drug for mood stabilization, she says she is not treating my “condition” and refused a doctors note. She said i will have no withdrawls and also no chance of seizure due to this low dose) i believe her i wont have a seizure, but she is silly not to know people do have withdrawls) Im doing 2 therapy sessions a week instead of meds. My therapist cannot give me a doctors note as he is not medically qualified, and i did not mind his response as he was honest. I see my primary care on friday and i know she’ll give me a doctors note.

 

i am apprehensive (maybe a little thrilled)  but not scared to cold turkey. My gut is screaming this drug is poisoning me and i cannot tolerate it anymore. My gut is saying i will absolutely not have any withdrawals symptoms as these are side effects. I will however, for my peace of mind, schedule a another visit to the doctor in advance and  keep Going to therapy and continue digging digging deep spiritually, mentally and physically.

 

The adventure continues!!

[Altostrata]

What we see here is that when people go on and off drugs repeatedly, or take them inconsistently, their systems become sensitized to drugs and react in odd ways to them Many of your problems may be because of your tendency to take your drugs inconsistently or off -schedule.

 

It is possible all the "psychiatric" symptoms for which you've been treated with drugs since college are due to irregular dosing of prescribed psychotropics.

 

When did this rash start? What happened when you increased lamotrigine at the end of January?

[Linda2001]

first i had been taken buspirone regularly and hydroxyzine as needed just fine together since Oct/Nov and i felt i was getting better with the talk therapy. Then i was prescribed lamotragine. At the end of January, i went up as directed from 25 mgs to 50 mgs, + 5 mgs of buspirone + 25 mgs of hydroxyzine. I had 24 hours of adrenaline rushing through my body. I woke up with a rash on my groin and it BURNED so i went CT.  I believe it went away after a few days.

 

fast forward to 02/14 - where i ended up taking bits of lamotrigine up to probably 25 mgs, 2.5 mgs buspirone and 25 mgs hydroxyzine. i woke up with another rash on my groin. it didn't hurt but it was there and it was bigger than before.  The rash is subsiding. it is itchy rather than hurts.

[Altostrata]

Why did you start taking lamotrigine again? You had an adverse reaction from increasing the dosage too much, to 50mg. You now appear to be allergic to lamotrigine.

[Linda2001]

I started Lamotrigine up again because my therapist at the mental hospital said i had to (at the time i had no sense of self NOW I DO, because of this specific experience)

 

i absolutely agree with you I’m allergic to it. 
 

i will continue posting, in case this helps case studies about being allergic later. And I’ll be reporting it that vaers (drug reaction?) database too.

 

THANK YOU for you for your advice and patience. I know you are probably crazy busy yet you still helped me. It’s humbling!!

[Linda2001]

Wednesday February 16, 2022

0530- woke up, dizzy, higher heart rate, chest tightness, inability to concentrate, stuck in thoughts, eyes difficulty adjusting, groin spot subsiding and looks like mild healed burn.

0755- slight headache after warm shower, dizzy, sinuses plugged (My will is whatever Yours is, God.)

0830- saw psych nurse practitioner - recommended I discontinue Lamotrigine immediately. claimed will not have any withdrawl. refused alternate med, instead will see therapist 2x/week.

        - headache, alternating eye pressure, very dizzy. 

0930- breakfast. 500 mg metformin

1000- 15 min walk. Feel physically weaker.

1100 - talk therapy appointment, absolutely wonderful but headache is growing

1230 - went shopping with Mom at Christian bookstore. Coughing and Phlegm. Hesitant about putting in a prayer request but 5 minutes after I did so, headache ceased! Thank you GOD.

1500-1800- if I move fast, heart pounds, out of breath. Obsessive thoughts. concentration a bit better. getting itchy.

1911 - more itchy. dizziness let up a lot

2000- dinner. 500 mgs metformin, 2.5 buspirone. COLD TURKEY LAMOTRAGINE. always dizzy, physically tired, heart beat/pressure feels weird

2016- fear of withdrawals overwhelming. "Resist the Devil and he will Flee from you" + Self talk + texting friends.

2200-2315 - read with 75% normality. Scared immediately upon going to bed. Slept with assistance of self talk, salt lamp, telling Satan to go the hell away, and Youtube video of Bible Verses. 

 

Journal entry: I'm SO GLAD i have a sense of myself now, and looking inward and upward for answers and guidance, rather than from other people. My sisters, one a physician and one is in the pharmaceutical industry, love me very much, but they suggested a try another cocktail of drugs for my symptoms. Poor things. Based on what they have studied, this is really the only thing they have to offer me. BUT THEY LOVE ME AND I LOVE THEM and that's important. You know what though? This triggered an old memory. My physician sister said she read studies long ago that anti depressants work so much better in the presence of talk therapy (interesting, no?)And ever since then she recommends it. At least there is that!  Oh AND, the psych nurse practitioner did say i have to believe the drug will work for it to help, and since I hated Lamotrigine, my body will ACTIVELY work against it. Dear God!! OMG and ^&##^#(@#$%^&*

[Altostrata]

You can take a rescue dose of 1mg lamotrigine for a while if you wish. If it triggers the rash, you'll have to give up on it.

 

You really really really need to stick to a consistent schedule for your psychotropics, or the others will continue to cause bad symptoms.

[Linda2001]

Thank you! if it gets bad, I will reinstate at ONLY 1 mg. 

 

Yes ma'am. I will be VERY stable with any psychotropics from now on! (though, once I'm off, I never plan on taking them again!)

[Linda2001]

Thursday February 17, 2022

0330- awake, deeper body dizzy + anxiety, slept w/ Bible verses, self talk, deep breathing

0630 - woke up, sensitive to morning cortisol. cuddle with my mom-breathing feels more normal, slightly less itchy, dizziness less intense, heart rate feels better

0830 - breakfast, 500 mgs metformin, included decaf coffee

1000-noon - video games, definitely made dizziness worse but WORTH IT. Cancelled several media subscriptions - feeling empowered.

noon - 1630 walked barefoot in grass, then read outside. still dizzy and feels like deep waves. comprehension/attention improving. eye dizziness lessening, eye pressure gone. Coughing up phlegm.

1825 - talked to my physician sister about my experience and my mom's psych drugs and I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER about my mom. (THANK YOU, God of the Bible!!) Then a LOT of dizziness let up! Then euphoria, joy and happiness!   YOWSA!

1900-2100 - zoom with friends. multitasking overwhelming

2015- 500 mgs metformin, 2.5 mgs buspirone

2200- cuddled with mom. ruminating and decided to put my self hatred on the Cross. I'm FORGIVEN, people!!  AND SOMETHING LIFTED OUT OF MY CHEST. my heart is joyful and I'm euphoric!! my heart feels normal!!! HALLELUJAH!

2300- fell asleep with the assistance of Youtube Bible verses and Salt Lamp!

 

Journal:

I talked to my sister - she keeps proving to me she is an EXCELLENT Family Physician.

 

First, she told me 3 psych meds are for people who are unable to function on 2 medications. As in, they can't even do basic math to care of their own finances. That wasn't me on 2 meds. I was functional again and willing to go back to work and was experiencing fun again. I was sad but also in intense therapy at a mental hospital! I just needed time and rest to heal from the long term crappy life I was living and all my loved ones that had recently died. My sister was livid I had been put on a 3rd medication. Even though she is a general practice physician, she says she manages a lot of patients with high anxiety on only 1 med and MANDATORY therapy. When they cannot function on 2, she sends them to a psychiatrist to have a higher standard of care. NO nurse practitioners!! She said in Arizona it is legal for a nurse practitioner to practice medicine just like a physician BUT they are only held legally to the standard of care of a NURSE. Even if they get a PHD in like admin nursing they can still practice full on medicine!! she had some horror stories of when she got patients after being treated by a nurse practitioner. This leads to this cash cow behavior of medication only treatment i experienced yesterday. 

 

I tested her by asking how does she get people off psych meds. She said, VERY slowly. She has tapered people off of benzos over the course of AT LEAST a year. She said she has seen a LOT of little old ladies that have been on benzos for decades. Because they are in their 70s, 80s and 90s , and due to the length of time they have been on them, sometimes they cannot come off at all (like i learned on this site), but she does taper them off to the lowest dose they can. She seemed frustrated. I reminded her that "first do no harm" and she is doing no harm. She is helping them by going to the lowest dose they can handle. 

 

I also learned from my sister that when my mom had her nervous breakdown about a year ago, she was in such bad shape she was on benzos for a little while. she was in BAD shape too, she'd lost 30 pounds in a month and couldn't walk. those benzos saved her life. AND THEN the medical staff tapered her off QUICKLY (PRAISE GOD. THANK YOU!). My mom is now only on sertraline, and as needed hydroxyzine. Curiously my mother has told me before she refused a 3rd medication from her psychiatrist. She mentioned she wants to go off sertraline and because of this site, I begged my mom to talk to her psychiatrist and my sister/her daughter. I said if her psychiatrist doesn't do it slowly and taper over months if not at least a year, listen to my sister!! she knows what she is talking about!! I told her if it's gonna be very tiny amounts, we'll go to a compounding pharmacy to get a liquid made of the tabs. (i've already picked one)

 

Oh, I asked her opinion about my 2.5 mgs buspirone. She laughed and said it was a drop in the bucket. HOWEVER, she did caution me to stay on it, because she did not want me getting low serotonin syndrome! SHE IS THE BEST.

 

Ya  know, there is a definitely an attitude in my family about just taking pills to take care of our mental health. My grandmother, even though she was a total hippie and had beaten cancer in the 1960s by diet and prayer, when she got cancer again in the early 2000s, she started taking benzos to sleep. Then she got my grandfather on them because he was so stressed out by her diagnosis he couldn't sleep. Then my grandfather got his oldest son/my uncle on them. My uncle said the benzos were HARDER THAN HEROIN to get off of. my grandmother died of cancer nearly 20 years ago. My 98 year old grandfather died October 2021 of grief, and I know he always had a hard time sleeping. My mom said yesterday that he'd take half a benzo pill, and sleep for 4 hours, wake up and take a quarter pill to sleep another 2 hours.  I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't just grief but the insane amount of recent loss + unresolved PTSD from WW2 + long term grief + no counseling + benzos + covid were all the culprit. That would be ANYONE in a long term psych patient ward, but at 98!?!?! Thank you God for calling my grandfather home! He's in heaven with God and my grandmother and his son and his parents and even his girlfriend (his girlfriend he had 10 years AFTER my grandmother died LOL) and he is PERFECT NOW. ❤️😭😍

 

Meanwhile, my mom's sisters are all on psych meds. One of them has mentioned she pops a 2nd pill when she feels "jittery"!! I'm going to text ALL of them about what I've learned and the dangers of abusing psych meds. And that if they are on meds, they need to be in good therapy.

 

in MUCH better news--

 

As I mentioned in my symptom log, i was ruminating last night, and i realized not only have i been a bitter, hateful, envious, jealous person forever, and definitely since about 8 years old, i have destroyed my mind, body and soul for DECADES. I was DESTROYING me even before Lamotragine. Lamotragine and the broken healthcare system was just the crap cherry on top of the festering boil.

 

For the first time in my life I understand SIN. I understand I'm broken and evil and sinfull because of what i've been doing to myself. So I put that on the Cross, guys. Jesus of Nazereth suffered and died because I have been trying to kill myself to prove a point that i'm right that life isn't worth living. He died to save me from myself!    And i was FORGIVEN. EVEN ME. JESUS/GOD FORGAVE ME even after spitting in his face for DECADES.

 

It was so peaceful and amazing and just.......bliss and relief. It's all I could have ever wanted, really.  

 

And to my amazement SOMETHING LIFTED OFF MY CHEST. It left, not dissipated, it LEFT. It came out of my chest and a lot came out of my heart. My heart feels relieved, physically and emotionally and spiritually.

 

I go to the doctor today and I'm expecting good news about my blood pressure and my heart health in general. Miraculous news.

 

 

The PLAN: 

* Keeping throwing myself on God daily because none of this is possible without Him.

* Get a doctor's note  today from my Primary Care Provider because I am still unable to work.

* Get a psychiatrist (NOT a Nurse practitioner) to walk with me as I heal up from Lamotrigine cold turkey. When I'm ready, I'll be getting off the Buspirone with the psychiatrist's help but that will be in about six months.

* Get my health in order. I'm switching to a real Physician in a few weeks and also get a referral for a Naturopath. And still listen to my gut.

* Keep on with what I'm doing, throwing myself on God every day and keep in the 2x a week therapy.

* eat healthy whole foods because I want to and i enjoy it, not because i have to.

* enjoy walking slowly, being peaceful in nature, appropriate weight lifting

* sell my bedroom tv, PS4, and games. Any books i really don't want I'm chucking. 

 

There will be plenty more work to do for the rest of my life and I legitimately rejoice in that. I'm excited about it, maybe joyful about it? I will be growing until the day God calls me home, hopefully in many, MANY decades from now.

 

 

Prayer:

Dear Father, thank you so much for Your Son.  Thank you for dying on that Cross and suffering unimaginable torture just so I can be at peace. That means EVERYTHING to me. Whatever you want me to do, I'll DO IT. I'm scared to say that, and that You'll ask some really scary things from me, but I'll do it. (I'm really scared now!!)

Lord, there are people on this site and so many across the world that are suffering in hell due to these drugs. PLEASE grant them IMMEDIATE relief. PLEASE, both physical and mental and spiritual. This **** is unbearable at times, God. PLEASE grant them relief and hope and a vision of the future so they may persevere and be healed completely, mind body and soul!

 

I'm scared to type this out for all to see, but please assist them ALL drawing near to You. Well, everyone on earth needs You, but people suffering in hell absolutely need You more than ever. I pray they ALL throw themselves on You right now. Please save them, as You have saved me. You've already forgiven them; they just gotta look up. Please help them in that.

 

Thank you for the time i have with my parents and thank you for my job. Whatever you want with regards to my job and finances, DO IT. I'm scared to say that but i just did so there You go!

 

Please heal me LORD. May I not get withdrawal. I declare I WILL NOT Have withdrawal, in Your name!

 

Your Will and YOUR WILL ALONE be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

 

Amen.

 

 

[Escitalopram21]

Welcome to SA @Linda2001

it sounds like you are going through a hard time right now. Keep to your schedule and you Will feel better soon!

[Linda2001]

@escitalopram21 THANK YOU for your encouragement! 

 

I'm doing both really well and kinda bad, lol. I'm getting alot of emotions and crap out and becoming spiritually and emotionally stronger, which I needed anyway.

 

Also going to a Chinese Medicine clinic. It's easing dizziness and disconnection, which is awesome! I'm being proactive so I don't just sit on my butt and wait.

 

I hope you are doing well!! Enjoy the cold in Finland! I'm in Arizona, USA and it's already skin-burning hot in the sun now, yet cold in the shade. 

[Linda2001]

I think I’m both healing from the allergic reaction/side effects and in withdrawal from the lamotrigine. I cannot multi task or sit still to read a book!

 

ive been sleeping about 5 to 6 hours a night and feeling great (albeit still dizzy as hell with brain fog and my eyes not focusing right and this inexplicable depression even though i feel joy and my nervous system making me jump at the slightest movement or noise etc)

 

ive been trying to push myself a little bit, as im mentally so bored and I can’t silence my mind like ive always been able to do pre-lamotrigine. I pushed it too far too many days in a row, like this site keep saying NOT to do 🤦🏻‍♀️Tonight, after my dad said we might have a thunderstorm, my poor healing nervous system immediately reminded me this past summer we had a thunderstorm so bad i was awoken in the middle of the night by an intense thunderclap that sounded like it was right above my house. I obviously woke up in a panic at that point.

 

So i was ruminating if that happened tonight, I’d have a heart attack or stroke or start screaming or have a panic attack so bad i would pop a hydroxyzine 🤦🏻‍♀️ Mind you, it’s not summer, that particular thing has happened only once in my life and when scary things have happened lately, im so extremely calm.   Anyway, i managed 1 hour of sleep and then 2. And ive been up since 0230 am.
 

These side effects/symptoms/WD feel like they magnify any slight annoyance by a bazillion times!!!  I know God hasnt taken away these fears because He has already come back with “fear not” multiple times and several other Bible verses. Basically I’m supposed to let happen what happens, keep trusting He is working everything out for my good, even though it’s tough right now, and learn to be content and open and vulnerable. Oh and REST for the love of God! All of this is for my benefit and character growing. 

 

also, i inexplicably lost IN MY HOUSE my log diary. If it remains lost i guess I have to stop logging everything? I had that sucker with me 24/7 and then it just vanished! Im seriously taking it as a sign to quit focusing on my symptoms unless necessary.

 

for logging sake, I’m currently im experiencing the following symptoms: constant very low grade period, unable to multi task as it is sensory overload, low grade headaches (new!), dizziness and sometimes vertigo, brain fog, eyes constantly feel strained and some times pressure, teeth grinding at night (new for this symptom but used to do it when i was younger, and i think i was on prednisone and later lexapro when it happened), i sometimes clutch my right hand in a fist for no reason (noticed that began when actively taking Lamotrigine), weird body stabbing pain zaps occasionally, body panic attacks especially with sensory overload  (my mind is calm but body isnt), extremely barely there intermittent snow vision in lower lights (had that for a couple of years but i havent but i noticed it for awhile. Noticed it today. Tied to stress)

 

note: im terrified of not sleeping enough. It’s took me years but i was so anxious from about 11 to 18 i hardly slept (probably from the prednisone allergy). In college i was seeing “ghosts” as i was going to sleep and awakening but i knew they weren’t there. Landed in a psychiatrist’s office who said “dont worry, you’re just so chronically sleep deprived you just need sleep. Here, have Lexapro.” And i slept and almost immediately the waking and falling asleep hallucinations vanished. Considering ive been sleeping REALLY well for 20 years, im good to go. 

 

now that i type all this out, that is not my path anymore. Big difference is that im relying on God now, completely. Im not that stressed out kid anymore, who medicated with food and self abandonment and trying in soley her own strength. I have stopped hurting her/me.

 

Its crazy but Ive always been terrified of having to rely on God completely, but now that i have to do it, it’s honestly the best thing ever to happen in my life- that is trusting in God NOT dealing with these too-powerful, abused-by-the-establishment drugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SonSetFree]

Hi Linda2001! 

 

I've enjoyed reading your thread.  I pray you are well today.  May His grace abound to you!  Your words on here do make a difference.  People do read them :).

 

Linda's quote:  "The real test is if the symptoms get worse, i need to keep thanking God."  

 

Verse for you today:  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things".  

 

Philippians 4:8-9

 

Son