Nypeaches89: Trintellix / Brintellix / vortioxetine withdrawal

[Nypeaches89]

Hi everyone. I created an account specifically to say what has helped me throughout this journey of recovery. I have no idea if I’m currently in a window (likely) or actually healed. I’ve had a terrible, hellish withdrawal of Trintellix, since December 20th I’ve had extreme panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, extreme agitation etc. And then, I’ve found a few things that helped me. What was really the most helpful thing was hypnotherapy. The first session didn’t help much as it was just an introduction to it, but the second session transformed me. It put me in a state of deep relaxation, and helped me sleep again. I would advice everyone to try it, despite the cost. The other thing that helped me tremendously was this medicine called Euphytose in France, it’s a mix of Passiflora, Valerian root, hawthorn, and ballotte (translation?). It had the same effects than benzos without the obvious terrifying risks of these. Again I’m not sure I’m completely healed or in a long window, but I these things truly helped, I believe. I’ve read this forum a lot and wanted to help the folks on here, in any way that I could, even if what I’m saying is maybe nothing new for some people. Bless you all, and hang in there, healing is coming. 

Edited March 2, 2022 by Altostrata
removed note

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Nypeaches89

 

Did you go off Trintellix in December? When did you have hypnotherapy? How long did it take to work? Were you taking this herbal supplement at the same time?

 

Was this the first time you've experienced antidepressant withdrawal?

 

Do you still have any withdrawal symptoms?

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[Nypeaches89]

I went off Trintellix in November, wd symptoms showed more and more in December, worse in January and February. I’m doing better but it’s clearly not over. 
I had hypnotherapy twice in February, the first time was an introduction to it, the second time a proper session. The same day my mom bought me these Valerian and passiflora supplements. They feel like benzos to me, the effect is felt within 10 minutes, and it’s clearly not placebo. There’s even a warning to not drive using these plant pills so, yes it works ! I’ll update my signature ASAP when I have time. 

[ChessieCat]

On 3/2/2022 at 12:25 PM, Altostrata said:

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Please create your drug signature as requested above.  Thank you.

[Ariel]

Hi @Nypeaches89

Your comment in the Windows and Waves topic is relevant to your specific situation so I'm re-posting it here. 

 

43 minutes ago, Nypeaches89 said:

Hi everyone. I’m at 8 months ssri free (1 year Escitalopram - 1 year Trintellix), I still see no progress. I have had waves and windows, but right now I’m in the worst and longest wave. I’m considering starting taking SSRI again, it’s just too hard. Anyone went back here and felt relief? 

 

You are asking about reinstatement which is a serious consideration. 

I notice that you don't have your drug signature set up. 

Both Altostrata and ChessieCat have asked you to do this (see their posts above, incl. links). 

Your drug signature helps the moderators help you, for example when advising on questions related to reinstatement. 

 

Speaking as a member, I also greatly appreciate reading fellow members' drug signatures. 

It provides a lot of useful information and when it's not available I miss it. 

Please set up your drug signature? 

 

I'm sorry you are in a difficult wave. I feel for you. 

Remember that this is temporary and it will pass. It gets better. 

Recovery from protracted withdrawal syndrome can take a long time, and recovery does happen.

Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. 

 

This essay speaks to some of what might be going on behind the scenes as we heal, as well as how and why we may experience healing as unpleasant symptoms.

What is happening in your brain?

I read it whenever I start to feel like things are taking too long or symptoms begin to feel too uncomfortable. 

I find it reassuring and inspiring to think about all the hard work my body, brain, nervous system are doing behind the scenes, around the clock. 

The phenomenal healing efforts are experienced by me on a conscious level as unpleasant sensations, but that doesn't mean healing isn't happening. 

Healing is happening all the time, whether or not we consciously feel it. 

 

Nature is a superhero and its superpower is healing and survival. 

Our bodies are nature. 

Healing is (in) our nature. 

 

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. 

Hang in there, it gets better. 

In solidarity and support,

A. 

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Nypeaches89

 

Re: setting up a drug signature

 

8 minutes ago, Nypeaches89 said:

I have no idea how to do this… I wrote in my about me section but idk if that’s it? 

 

Answering you here in your intro topic. 

 

The drug signature is the bit of text that appears at the bottom of each member's comments and reflects a summary of that member's respective drug history.

For example, if you look at the bottom of one of my comments (this one or the one above), you will see a brief list of the psych drugs I used to take and when I stopped.  

 

To create your personal drug signature, please follow the link in Altostrata's comment below: 

 

On 3/8/2022 at 10:35 PM, ChessieCat said:

On 3/2/2022 at 2:25 AM, Altostrata said:

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature  You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Please create your drug signature as requested above.  Thank you.

 

Thank you <3

[Nypeaches89]

Trintellix withdrawal

 

I’ve been on this forum for a few months, but forgot to make an introduction topic so here it is. 

After the first confinement, in July 2020 I decided to give SSRI a go for generalized anxiety and social anxiety. I took Escitalopram, 10mg for a year. It made me too sleepy, + killed my sex drive so I was put on Trintellix, 10mg then 20mg. I was doing good on it, stayed on it a year. I quit in October 2021 because I was doing really well and thought I shouldn’t stay too long on these meds. I did a quick taper of one week, which my psychiatrist said was totally enough. 

Like many other people, I did great the first weeks off. Then around week 5 off (or 6? Not sure), I felt extreme anxiety out of nowhere. It wasn’t connected to any factor or thought, just a pure scary strange anxiety. 

A month after I tried to reinstate, 5mg. I had a really bad reaction: I felt extremely stimulated, I had to run out and walk everywhere to try to calm down, I think it was akathesia. I finally called my mom, crying on the phone, telling her everything. That I had been on SSRI, that I had quit too quickly, that I was feeling very sick. 

I went to my parents for the early months of withdrawal. I quit the reinstatement after 3 weeks of trying and feeling worse. I felt relief when I quit the reinstatement 5mg! but of course I still had the withdrawal going on. 

At the beginning my symptoms were:

-akathesia

-depersonalization (happened only once)  

-debilitating extreme anxiety

-panic feeling 

-feeling of fear/ dread / terror 

-sudden and unexpected waves of deep depression (temporary)

 

Then after maybe 1 month, the pattern of waves and windows appeared more and more clearly. 
Then, my only symptom was those intense anxiety waves. 
I forced myself to keep living my life as normally as I could, I worked, I kept having a social life, and I was very lucky to be able to go rest at my parents’ whenever I needed ( I’m a freelancer). 
Sometimes I have refused work because it felt like too much to handle for me. Sometimes I’ve worked while feeling absolutely horrible, but it still gave me a sense of normalcy and satisfaction.
 

In April 2022 I had my first long window, that lasted 3 weeks.
Then… I had my longest anxiety wave. 
In May 2022, I had my first PMDD experience: the few days right before my periods, I experienced these bouts of unexplained deep depression feelings (the same ones I had felt during the early days of withdrawal/ I have never felt that before or during meds). It passed completely the very moment I had my periods. 
In June 2022, it happened again: PMDD. Except it did not pass after I had my periods. It lessened but I kept having a weird depressive feeling everyday, it was very scary, very unusual.

July 2022: same. Still this lingering depressive feeling, like my brain feels broken. The heat wave didn’t help. Then one day I had an impressive window for no reason: I felt amazing, my depression had suddenly lifted completely, I was feeling calm, and so good. It lasted 2 days. The day after that I had the worst akathesia phase I ever had. It turns out the 2 good days were prior to ovulation, and the 2 days of akathesia were right after I ovulated. 
I got prescribed a progestative contraceptive pill after that, in hopes to stop the PMDD. 
 

August 2022: 

Right now! I no longer have the anxiety waves lately but that may be because I’m in vacation in the countryside with no stressor in sight.
But my symptoms have morphed. I’ve had a lot of insomnia, sometimes really 0 minute of sleep. I’ve had 2 days of moderate akathesia as a result. I started taking antihistamines to sleep, which helped the 2 first nights. It still kind of helps but I feel I’m getting used to it, it works less and less.  I still have strange depressive waves, that have started to show up in a pattern: I wake up depressed, and I feel 100% better after lunch at around 1:30PM. I think I’ve noticed the better I sleep, the more depressed I feel the next day ?! This sounds counter intuitive I know. I feel like my anxiety and depression are antagonist forces: it’s either the one or the other. 
 

To conclude, it’s been 9 months off. 
When I’m in a window I feel like I’m finally healed.

When I’m in a wave I feel like I’ll be broken forever. 
I don’t know how long this is going to last, but I’ll do my best to keep moving forward and to not despair. 
I’ll do my best to not let withdrawal keep me from doing the things I want to do.

 

SUPPLEMENTS I HAVE BEEN USING:

-Magnesium, since the beggining. 
-L tryptophan (makes me sleepy)

-Valerian root to sleep, every single night (it works when I’m not in an insomnia phase and my CNS have not taken over !)

-lately: antihistamine to sleep

-for anxiety crisis I have tried: L theanine (no effect at all), Ashwaganda (makes me drowsy, I don’t like it much). 
-other thing I’ve tried but stopped: 5HTP (makes me very drowsy), fish oil (I eat a Mediterranean diet so pretty sure this supplement is pointless for me), St John’s wort (tried for maybe a week, didn’t feel anything, had mixed feelings about it). 
 

COPING MECHANISMS I AM USING:

Yoga / light home workout (abs, push ups etc)

Meditation/ breathing techniques

I started swimming! 

Horse riding when I can. Rarely unfortunately. 

Having creative projects helps a lot. 
Reading fiction or non fiction.
Watching very easy cozy or funny tv series help a lot.  Never watching anything violent/dark.

Socialize. 
Taking care of myself, not neglecting my appearance.

Eating well is obviously non negotiable. 
Cleaning / tidying my apartment is one stupid but calming thing to do!

Nature when I can… (I live in a big city)

Therapy: this one is hard. My therapist is the ones who advised me to try SSRI. She’s the one who said quitting was easy when I asked her. She’s also the one who never believed in my withdrawal and said I was simply getting worse. Why haven’t I looked for a new therapist you might ask? Because I haven’t had the energy nor the courage. I might need to really do that change though because I think her denial of withdrawal is triggering me. 

Hypnotherapy: works. But it is short term. And very expensive. 

 

Thank you for reading, if you read ! 
 

🌞

 

Edited August 20, 2022 by ChessieCat
added Intro topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

 

 

[eileen1111]

Hi @Nypeaches89, I relate a lot to what you have written. I also had a bad reaction to reinstatement which made me feel really stimulated and agitated and 'high' with constant nausea and insomnia... I actually think that I was experiencing serotonin syndrome from the reinstatement. Since then I've also been experiencing PMDD, which I never had before. I think it's just that our system has been sensitised, so the hormone changes affect us more at the moment than when our nervous systems were fully healthy.

 

It's so good that you have windows where you feel healed ! I have better days but haven't felt any windows where I am 100% again. I'm 7 months off. 

 

I do believe that we will heal completely, it is just time, strength, resilience, self care. 

 

Thanks so much for that list of coping strategies really useful and inspiring  

[Nypeaches89]

21 minutes ago, eileen1111 said:

Hi @Nypeaches89, I relate a lot to what you have written. I also had a bad reaction to reinstatement which made me feel really stimulated and agitated and 'high' with constant nausea and insomnia... I actually think that I was experiencing serotonin syndrome from the reinstatement. Since then I've also been experiencing PMDD, which I never had before. I think it's just that our system has been sensitised, so the hormone changes affect us more at the moment than when our nervous systems were fully healthy.

 

It's so good that you have windows where you feel healed ! I have better days but haven't felt any windows where I am 100% again. I'm 7 months off. 

 

I do believe that we will heal completely, it is just time, strength, resilience, self care. 

 

Thanks so much for that list of coping strategies really useful and inspiring  

Yes the reinstatement possibly caused me serotonin syndrome, I think so. My psychiatrist did nothing but prescribed me 3 boxes of Xanax, said I should take it twice daily. Of course I did not listen and took it very rarely.

 

 

You are right it is just time and self care.

The longest wave I talked about + the new symptoms (depression waves and the worst one: akathesia) really terrified me. I thought I was healing then these new awful feelings came. I was back to square one, calling my mom crying like a baby. 
 

Im better now, in a not-so-great window. A dirty window

 

 

 

 

[eileen1111]

10 minutes ago, Nypeaches89 said:

My psychiatrist did nothing but prescribed me 3 boxes of Xanax

 

I truly find it incredible how uneducated doctors are around SSRIs / psych meds. Surely it is a core part of their job to spot these adverse reactions. Instead of recognising that I had serotonin syndrome, the GP told me to double my dose when I reported my (horrific) symptoms. Absolutely unbelievable. 

[Nypeaches89]

5 minutes ago, eileen1111 said:

 

I truly find it incredible how uneducated doctors are around SSRIs / psych meds. Surely it is a core part of their job to spot these adverse reactions. Instead of recognising that I had serotonin syndrome, the GP told me to double my dose when I reported my (horrific) symptoms. Absolutely unbelievable. 

Oh the worst is he wanted me to reinstate directly at 20mg 🥲  

 

I wonder the same question. It is criminal to practice psychiatry with so little knowledge about SSRI effects. 
 

As far as I understand, the information they have about psych drugs are provided by the lab companies themselves. So of course their goal being to sell their product, they don’t want to say the possible horrible effects they may have. 
 

I think that’s the issue. It might not be the full answer, I don’t know. 
 

 

[Bp1961]

Hi @Nypeaches89,

 

WE both share the horrors of escitalopram and incompetence of psychiatrists and GPs. I quit escitalopram CT when I was on 5mg, not knowing what I was doing, and started experiencing WD. I was in panic so I reinstated after 3 months with 5mg, it didn't help. So after 5 days I increased it to 10mg, and it didn't help. So after 7 days I went to a psychiatrist and asked him if maybe I should be on 20mg!? He said YES, I agree. Instead of telling me that I was going through withdrawal and I have to give the lower dose at least 4-6 weeks. So I took the 20mg for 2 weeks and was suffering. If it wasn't for SA telling me to go down to 15mg right away, I don't know where I would be now. 

 

I Don't think there is a better place than SA to find the appropriate advice and support. You came to the right place and I'm confident that you will get better. You just need to be patient. I know personally how difficult it is to be patient when you're suffering, but it's going to be your biggest virtue. We will make it!!!

[Nypeaches89]

8 minutes ago, Bp1961 said:

Hi @Nypeaches89,

 

WE both share the horrors of escitalopram and incompetence of psychiatrists and GPs. I quit escitalopram CT when I was on 5mg, not knowing what I was doing, and started experiencing WD. I was in panic so I reinstated after 3 months with 5mg, it didn't help. So after 5 days I increased it to 10mg, and it didn't help. So after 7 days I went to a psychiatrist and asked him if maybe I should be on 20mg!? He said YES, I agree. Instead of telling me that I was going through withdrawal and I have to give the lower dose at least 4-6 weeks. So I took the 20mg for 2 weeks and was suffering. If it wasn't for SA telling me to go down to 15mg right away, I don't know where I would be now. 

 

I Don't think there is a better place than SA to find the appropriate advice and support. You came to the right place and I'm confident that you will get better. You just need to be patient. I know personally how difficult it is to be patient when you're suffering, but it's going to be your biggest virtue. We will make it!!!

I know, patience is key, we deserve a medal for enduring all this mess.

Wow I can’t believe your psychiatrist advised you to go up to 20mg… that’s so dangerous. You probably had akathesia at that reinstatement dosage. The worst symptom of all.
Im glad I realized “quickly” that the reinstatement was making things way worse.
 
 

[Nypeaches89]

2 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

Hi @Nypeaches89, I relate a lot to what you have written. I also had a bad reaction to reinstatement which made me feel really stimulated and agitated and 'high' with constant nausea and insomnia... I actually think that I was experiencing serotonin syndrome from the reinstatement. Since then I've also been experiencing PMDD, which I never had before. I think it's just that our system has been sensitised, so the hormone changes affect us more at the moment than when our nervous systems were fully healthy.

 

It's so good that you have windows where you feel healed ! I have better days but haven't felt any windows where I am 100% again. I'm 7 months off. 

 

I do believe that we will heal completely, it is just time, strength, resilience, self care. 

 

Thanks so much for that list of coping strategies really useful and inspiring  

Hey just thinking. Have you tried the contraceptive pill to manage the PMdd?

Mine removes the ovulation and periods completely. I haven’t felt the huge depressive crisis post ovulation like last month, what a relief 😭
 

x

[Bp1961]

BTW I would seriously reconsider the therapist, she seems to be causing you more harm than therapy. The opposite effect of what therapy should be. I'm sure you can find a good one in NY.

[Nypeaches89]

An update to keep track. 
So I’ve been in an insomnia phase for a whole month. I hadn’t had insomnia since early withdrawal. It’s maybe because I’m not active enough, and not drained by the usual city grind since I’m in the countryside. I’ve taken atarax to sleep, it helps but it still is a weird sleep, I wake up not rested, still tense, and ofc drowsy from the atarax. I haven’t had deep depressive weird phases nor akathesia in 2 weeks and a half. I’d consider this a window, since I don’t have crazy anxiety. It’s still a weird, not great window because I feel depressed. Functionally depressed, not the debilitating brain crashing down feeling, broken brain feeling, just a depressed/ anhedonia / tearful feeling. I don’t know if it’s withdrawal or just me. I’d have reasons to be sad besides withdrawal so it’s unclear. It does feel weird and unusual though. I’m on the progestative pill since one month, could be that too. I don’t know. I’m confused. I try not to overthink it. 
Im coming back to my city Wednesday, which I’m dreading a bit. Dreading it does not help, it justifies my anxieties, so I try to roll on with it and plan activities to make it less painful. 
 Side note I’ve finished my comforting cozy series (Virgin river … god I know! It’s kind of stupid ) and don’t know what to watch anymore. Any suggestions would be welcome!  
 

 

[Nypeaches89]

On 8/21/2022 at 5:23 PM, Bp1961 said:

BTW I would seriously reconsider the therapist, she seems to be causing you more harm than therapy. The opposite effect of what therapy should be. I'm sure you can find a good one in NY.

Yeah I’ve considered that, like other things in my life (finding a new apartment), but when I’m in a crisis / wave I have no courage to look for someone else and try and explain everything from the start. I just ring her cos it’s convenient and easy. When I feel better I will look for a new one. But god that’s so hard 

edit: also a fear I have is no one will ever understand and believe my withdrawal symptoms. I’m scared of bumping into psychologist after psychologist who will just tell me I’m dellusional, self diagnosing and ocd about withdrawal. 

[Bp1961]

@Nypeaches89 I totally understand how difficult it is to make any change while we are vulnerable. We constantly operate in flight mode because we are in no condition to fight. We need our routine to be a stabilizing force in our rehabilitation. But please help yourself by at least going online and doing a search for psychotherapists in your area, check their bios and reviews, pick up the phone or email a few that you think you may connect with personally. I think that when you find one you will feel a great sense of relief and it will help you recover faster. You can't seek advice and support from someone who doesn't understand what you are going through!!! 

 

P.S. Did you ask your therapist to watch the documentaries "Medicating Normal" or "Cause of Death - Unknown"? Or 

 

 

 

[Nypeaches89]

41 minutes ago, Bp1961 said:

@Nypeaches89 I totally understand how difficult it is to make any change while we are vulnerable. We constantly operate in flight mode because we are in no condition to fight. We need our routine to be a stabilizing force in our rehabilitation. But please help yourself by at least going online and doing a search for psychotherapists in your area, check their bios and reviews, pick up the phone or email a few that you think you may connect with personally. I think that when you find one you will feel a great sense of relief and it will help you recover faster. You can't seek advice and support from someone who doesn't understand what you are going through!!! 

 

P.S. Did you ask your therapist to watch the documentaries "Medicating Normal" or "Cause of Death - Unknown"? Or 

 

 

 

I sent a list of maybe 10 articles (New York times, the guardian…) about withdrawal. I’m not even sure she read them, I think she’s in denial lol. I’ve seen the video you sent me, it says it all, I wish it was widely seen!! She’d never watch it if I sent her. You are right this is kind of toxic and triggering for me. I will try and look for a new therapist. This feels like dating except even less fun. It’s gonna be a lot of trials and errors before I find the right one … *sigh*

[eileen1111]

On 8/29/2022 at 9:47 AM, Nypeaches89 said:

 Side note I’ve finished my comforting cozy series (Virgin river … god I know! It’s kind of stupid ) and don’t know what to watch anymore. Any suggestions would be welcome!  

 

I've been watching this hahaha, I know what you mean about 'comforting cozy' if a bit cringe... I feel like I've been using tv shows like these to kind of dissociate from my life right now. I'm also watching stuff like parks & recreation, stranger things, riverdale, and period dramas like Downton Abbey for the escapism. I used to love crime dramas and social realist films or french new wave cinema but find them too much to handle these days 

 

 

 

[Nypeaches89]

On 9/3/2022 at 2:31 PM, eileen1111 said:

 

I've been watching this hahaha, I know what you mean about 'comforting cozy' if a bit cringe... I feel like I've been using tv shows like these to kind of dissociate from my life right now. I'm also watching stuff like parks & recreation, stranger things, riverdale, and period dramas like Downton Abbey for the escapism. I used to love crime dramas and social realist films or french new wave cinema but find them too much to handle these days 

 

 

 

Yeah it is cringe BUT so cozy, I can’t even really hate it ! I miss it 😩 

Ive seen all of parks and Rec and stranger things . Not into riverdale. Might try again downtown abbey, it bored me a bit last time I tried but I could like it. 
I also used to watch anything but now it needs to be *light*. I’m in a bad bad wave rn. 
My latest find: A league of their own. Currently downloading it , will see ! 
 

Oh and selling the oc if you want to lose some neurons on the way… 

 

[Nypeaches89]

Update. 
im in a bad depression wave. I also still have insomnia despite doing exercise, being active. I’m really scared and worried. I’m not doing better. I’m worried this is permanent damage. I live in a stressful city that I do not like which doesn’t help my Healing. I’m so scared. 
 

[Nypeaches89]

Update! If anyone reads my journey, which I start to doubt but whatever. 
I think I turned my first corner. Or this is just a big wide window and some wave is looming but I can’t see it for now. I came back to the city, I remained sleepless for a week then decided it was time to quit the birth control pill (micro dosed progestative one) I was taking for my PMDD. I quit, and two days later I found sleep again. I now sleep like usual, a light kind of agitated sleep but that’s how it’s always been. I sleep! Since I quit the bc I also notice I no longer have the depressive morning moods that were so scary, that I thought were withdrawal. Maybe they were, I don’t know, I quit trying to understand. This summer I made a lot of concrete plans to help me get better, and I’m so glad I did this. I signed me up to a ceramics class, I got a gym membership that I go once or twice a week to, I found a personal project idea that I work on, etc etc. It feels less scary to have more things on my plate. I remember that in July I was in the darkest place so I move with caution. I don’t know how come I’m fine now, I’m scared of the trap of thinking I’m fully healed to only get another wave afterwards. I still have quite intense reactions to triggers though, but they don’t propell me into a wave. Ok may this last. 
 

This is month 11. Let’s go

[peaceandlove]

I’m so happy to hear you’re getting better thanks for the update 🙂 So does the working out ever put you in a wave??

[Nypeaches89]

2 hours ago, peaceandlove said:

I’m so happy to hear you’re getting better thanks for the update 🙂 So does the working out ever put you in a wave??

No it never did.  I’ve read it happens to a lot of people here on SA but not to me… my triggers are more related to social anxiety. Or to hormonal changes during my cycle. 

[peaceandlove]

6 hours ago, Nypeaches89 said:

No it never did.  I’ve read it happens to a lot of people here on SA but not to me… my triggers are more related to social anxiety. Or to hormonal changes during my cycle. 

that’s so good at least you are able to get exercise in. I’ve noticed I feel worse around my time of the month too. I’m still new to this so it’s hard to tell. I’m month 5 but honestly the first 3 months are a blur. Are you able to work at all? I want to work so bad but I’m just so out of it I can’t 

[Nypeaches89]

11 hours ago, peaceandlove said:

that’s so good at least you are able to get exercise in. I’ve noticed I feel worse around my time of the month too. I’m still new to this so it’s hard to tell. I’m month 5 but honestly the first 3 months are a blur. Are you able to work at all? I want to work so bad but I’m just so out of it I can’t 

I’m at my 11th month so I’ve come a long way. I’ve had terrible phases, I’ve never suffered like that in my life. I´m luckily freelance so I could manage my work life how I wanted. I spent the first month at my parents’. I did not work because I was a total mess (akathesia, dissociation, panic, insomnia etc, only tiny 1 hour window in 1 month). Anyway slowly I got a bit better but still had intense anxiety waves, sometimes akathesia, I worked during these. It was sometimes rewarding and good for my brain to focus on something else than withdrawal, but ngl sometimes it was pure dark evil torture. I was scared of losing clients/my career so I kept working. Sometimes though I did cancel some commissionned work when it felt like too much. I had savings so I could do it. Now I’m much better and work normally although I’m very lazy lately lol. I think I rest from all this past year of chaos. 
To sum it up: work enough to feel sane, to distract yourself, to focus on a task, to regain a sense of control, and of achievement. But not too much that it triggers your very fragile nerveous system. If that’s possible..

 

And yes you’re probably doing worse during your periods, I always doubt my emotions every single month! But PMDD/ PMS is very real. Birth control didn’t help much. 
 

[Nypeaches89]

Update.

I still feel almost healed, the last weird thing is anhedonia. I do a lot of things, I socialize a lot, and I don’t feel any pleasure. It’s nothing compared to the torture I’ve been through the past year, but I still feel so sad to come home and realize that I haven’t felt anything despite doing things that normally would make me feel excited/happy. So that worries me a ton. Is it anhedonia from withdrawal or did I slip into depression? I’m fine but a big part of me feels broken. Where’s my reward system? My dopamine hit! I feel nothing. The weird thing is during my previous windows (which were in between awful waves) I did feel jolts of excitements. Now I’m in a flat meh state. 
Has anyone felt this a year after quitting ?! 

[Thorin]

I can relate to this so well. Going through it right now after a bungled dose drop and subsequent reinstatement. Just can’t feel any pleasure from the things that should be giving me great pleasure. I have experienced this in the past, both as a side effect of one of the meds I’m reducing and as a withdrawal symptom. In the past the anhedonia has hung around for a while but absolutely (slowly) passed. Typically leaving me feel very strange as it recedes. This will pass for you too eventually. I find imagining how it would feel if I was enjoying it properly, while a little distressing, helped the pleasure return.

 

good luck!

[Nypeaches89]

Update, even if absolutely no one reads my thread lol.

I still have anhedonia, which I didn’t have before September, in the phase I had waves of anxiety and windows. In the windows I remember feeling totally normal. Now? I’m either in PMDD or in a zero-dopamine-in-my-brain state. I haven’t had an anxiety wave since July. But the depression from the PMDD is unbearable. It’s a nightmare. Sometimes if I’m lucky it starts the day before my periods and ends slowly after my periods ends. Sometimes if I’m doomed like the past cycle it starts day1 of the luteal phase and lasts until the periods ends OR EVEN WORSE it does not stop. And yes ladies and gents, this is still called PMDD. Oh also I had a pretty bad case of food poisening which I think did not help my brain to rebalance after my periods. I’m now day 1 of my ovulation phase. I’m feeling a bit better. Still this no dopamine feeling. I read that people who have been on Adderall for years also struggle with that feeling. I don’t know why I constantly need to re-validate my experience, I think the denial of my therapist + of my psychiatrist really traumatized me.
Anyway I bought a bunch of  supplements that are supposed to help my PMDD:

-vitex

-raspberry leaf tea

-b6

-calcium

-l tyrosine 

-iron.

 

I know how that looks. Whatever.

 

Conclusion I really fear (deeply) that this PMDD is yes a consequence of withdrawal, but is here to stay. I’m terrified of the idea of having to battle with this terrible thing all my life. I’ve read plenty of women’s testimonies stating how pmdd started. Well it’s always the same story: either since the very first period, or after giving birth, after an unrelated illness (pneumonia for ex), or after a traumatic experience. Well. I don’t know what to think. 
 

 

 

[Nypeaches89]

On 10/6/2022 at 1:26 PM, Thorin said:

I can relate to this so well. Going through it right now after a bungled dose drop and subsequent reinstatement. Just can’t feel any pleasure from the things that should be giving me great pleasure. I have experienced this in the past, both as a side effect of one of the meds I’m reducing and as a withdrawal symptom. In the past the anhedonia has hung around for a while but absolutely (slowly) passed. Typically leaving me feel very strange as it recedes. This will pass for you too eventually. I find imagining how it would feel if I was enjoying it properly, while a little distressing, helped the pleasure return.

 

good luck!

I just read your comment, sorry for the late response! It’s always comforting to know I’m not the only one going through it. It’s clearly a dopamine problem from what I understand. Adderall / Ritalin users struggle with the same problem after quitting. I read that boosting your adrenaline response can help, so that could be through some sports activities but not so easy for me. 
On what you said about remembering how things are supposed to feel: I totally see what you mean. I kind of do that. It is distressing because you feel so broken ton not have these normal reactions you used to have (and take for granted). But I find that « visualizing », or emulating the feeling, makes the feeling happen, very slowly and subtly. Sometimes I force myself to think of exciting stuff. 

[Nypeaches89]

Update

i thought I was doing better but no. I keep being hit by new gross symptoms. I was just getting used to my PMDD then I got hit by POST menstrual syndrome. It feels even worse than pre menstrual. I feel like I got hit by a truck. My brain feels depressed completely. My anxiety is back. It feels terrible. I’m so sick and tired of this. I should maybe get my hormonal levels tested but the last doc I saw was so rude and scoffed when I asked for that. I’m so done

[Nypeaches89]

Hi everyone (again not sure anyone reads this), it’s been a year I’m on this forum, so here’s a not so great update. 
As I probably already wrote here I no longer have the typical severe withdrawal symptoms of extreme anxiety waves, palpitations, dp/dr and so on. But it’s been since July that I have this bad PMDD that is believe it or not almost constant as I also have POST menstrual syndrome now. So I feel better during ovulation, and if I’m lucky my pmdd doesn’t start too early but lately it’s eating up more and more days throughout the month. Not to be negative Betty but I did try every supplement on earth, I did exercise (riding my bike), I did try to quit alcohol, I did acupuncture, and now I’m trying Microdosing psilocybin. Nothing works (although I do reaaaally like the micro dose psilocybin effects and I’ll keep exploring that). I wake up in the morning my brain feeling broken, like a hangover except I didn’t drink last night. It gets better 3 hours later after a breakfast and a lot of coffee. It’s like a broken machine. If I overdo it at work (like i did yesterday: rode my bike in crazy traffic + work+ went to a little opening party + bike ride again at rush hour = too much ) it gets worse but I don’t want to give up on these things because I can’t abandon my life because of this withdrawal/PMDD mess. I’m so sick of this, I’m so confused. We’re supposed to heal the most on the 2nd year, well I’ve been feeling broken for the last 6 months with not much respite. I’m going to the countryside Wednesday as I crave nature and quiet so bad. The city noise is driving me insane.  
This post is pretty negative and moody but it’s one of these days. I’m tired of being positive and seeing no results in the past 6 months. Forgot to mention I also had akathesia during some pmdd days. So yeah, still very broken. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Nypeaches89]

Update because I’m bored. It’s day 2 of my periods and I feeling better. The horrible akathesia from the Premenstrual phase stopped finally. Still have CONSTANT headache and head pressure. I’m praying I don’t get horrible post menstrual syndrome later because I’m so freaking sick of it. It’s hell. I’m feeling like I tolerate the city less and less, like my tolerance is at 0. The pollution, the noise, the cars, traffic, aggressiveness of it all, I can’t. I’m not saying my environment causes my PMDD like doctors love to tell me (thanks doc yeah sure I’ll buy a house alone in the countryside and quit my job that sounds like a brilliant plan girlie !). Ughh. **** these meds. They ruined my brain. 

[Nypeaches89]

Update cos it’s been a while. 
Again not a single soul reads this but hey. 
 

One news is my last menstrual cycle I didn’t have any PMDD, BUT I did have 10 days of POST menstrual syndrome. I didn’t have the usual akathesia and constant migraine though, but I did have the overwhelming depression. This post menstrual depression feels like it stems from the stomach, not the solar plexus usual anxiety spot, no, really the stomach. It feels like it stems from there and goes up to my brain. It’s so physical, it’s so tangible. And then ovulation comes and poof, I feel an immense relief, I feel like myself. Although i have trouble sleeping I’m feeling like me again.
I’m trying to tapper off the herbal pills I’m taking for sleeping because I think my brain forgot how to sleep without them and frankly I take too much of these. It’s hard. 
 

This cycle was only the second one without premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It’s made me feel like this illness belonged to the past. Although it’s probably going to come back. Maybe it will gradually show up less and less and then not at all?