Roserdl: withdrawing from Zoloft - need advice about reinstating to taper or stay off

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

I was just reading your beautiful post over in the Acceptance and Hope thread. 

It's so positive and important I thought it best to reply over here in your own topic, so you have it handy. 

 

10 hours ago, Roserdl said:

Boy oh boy is this right.  I am just switching to accepting the journey after four months.  And it seems to be switching something.  I accepted I can't expect an instant cure or know the timeline.  I am starting to believe I will heal as more symptoms have disappeared, healed or leveled off.   I'm not being passive as I truly believe positive mindset, exercise, engaging in life as much as possible and diet can help the process.  I have switched to thinking about recovery as a waste of time and reframed it as an opportunity to reset.  It does make a difference.  My days are going by faster as I do things to pass the time.  I am doing consult for neurofeedback provider to start in July.  I have been waiting for six month mark and feeling stable enough to drive the hour and half round trip for biweekly appointments. I am thrilled to say I can though it still will be an effort.  Also getting acupuncture weekly.  I think the structure will be as beneficial as treatment. Been visiting my parents and slowly socializing with a few trusted people.  Going to stores.  I was developing serious social anxiety which is abating by going out.  This had been only in the past three weeks.  I still have my meltdowns but they are much shorter or even skip entire days.  I also have been telling myself a better story instead of doom.  While I think we can all heal no matter the attitude, our minds are powerful. So it's worth visualizing the positive.  This has been probably the single hardest and most beneficial thing I've done.  I'm kinda shocked I have been as successful with it as I have been.  I think it's what is moving me towards acceptance which ironically is making me feel more not less empowered.  Probably because the positive story makes me feel there is value in my life now.  I think I'm onto something.  Only 15 minute meltdown today!   I am not letting the fear rule the story all the time.  People heal.  I will too.  I feel like I'm slowly being penciled in.  It's a nice image to imagine this as a meditation ad myself as a coloring book image.

 

Thank you for sharing this encouraging update! And congratulations on your hard work practicing mindset shifts and proactive lifestyle changes. That's not easy to do even at the best of times, and you are doing well implementing constructive strategies in the face of adverse circumstances, so you get extra credit!

 

Have you considered maybe printing out the text of your post and keeping it with you? In your pocket or wallet or putting it up on the wall somewhere you'll see it often. Given the nature of withdrawal it might be practical to have a reminder for future reference. 

 

I love what you write here: I feel like I'm slowly being penciled in. 

Such an evocative image, both relatable and inspiring. 

 

Congratulations on your efforts! I wish you to continue to reap the rewards of your dedication to recovery. Healing is happening!

Good luck with your most recent drop <3

[Roserdl]

3 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Roserdl

I was just reading your beautiful post over in the Acceptance and Hope thread. 

It's so positive and important I thought it best to reply over here in your own topic, so you have it handy. 

 

Thank you for sharing this encouraging update! And congratulations on your hard work practicing mindset shifts and proactive lifestyle changes. That's not easy to do even at the best of times, and you are doing well implementing constructive strategies in the face of adverse circumstances, so you get extra credit!

 

Have you considered maybe printing out the text of your post and keeping it with you? In your pocket or wallet or putting it up on the wall somewhere you'll see it often. Given the nature of withdrawal it might be practical to have a reminder for future reference. 

 

3 hours ago, Ariel said:

 

I love what you write here: I feel like I'm slowly being penciled in. 

Such an evocative image, both relatable and inspiring. 

 

Congratulations on your efforts! I wish you to continue to reap the rewards of your dedication to recovery. Healing is happening!

Good luck with your most recent drop ❤️

Thank you so much Ariel.  I think I will do that along with printing some of my favorite success stories.  When I woke up today this felt like it all evaporated but it didn't.  As I had about a 20 minute meltdown and now turning it around.   My reinstatement was such a mixed blessing.  It definitely DID help.   I would say a 65% overall improvement with removal of some symptoms entirely.  So it stabilized my system somewhat to resume taper.   When I think about February.  Tremors, partial paralysis, level 100 panic attacks, brain fog, near full body numbness, total blunting (numb, void, no thoughts in my head at times)  unfortunately it only kicked in at higher dose and feels like it has leveled off.  So now I have the taper journey.  If I didn't reinstate I don't think i would have the strength to continue the getting off meds route.  Thanks for the kind words

[Roserdl]

Taper resumed.  No noticeable difference first couple of days.  2.5 mg.  Holding. Reassess in two weeks whether to drop again.  Doing two weeks smaller drops rather than one month bigger drops to better monitor reactions and make it a bit gentler.  Going to neural feedback assessment to start in July after 6 month recommended wait.  Dr works with people who are drug tapering so he seems a good fit.  He's also a psychologist who specialized in this for years and offers the 20 lead therapy.  Started acupuncture.  Woke up calmer after first treatment.  But it released a flood right after.   Overall functioning better through discipline.  Kind of on one better day alternating with more challenging day.  Working to accept chosen plan.  No new meds.  Slow taper.  Alternative health exercise and nutritional support.  Stop second guessing reinstatement as it improved things markedly overall but didn't take away all severe symptoms.  Need to remember to look at how much improved since February instead of what hasn't.  Glad to be back on taper.  The biggest thing which seems to be helping is just forcing myself to do things which usually (not always) makes for a better day.  Recent improvements.  Increasing body sensation. Sexual stuff improving though still low libido but even this is starting to show signs of life.  More able to go out by self without total anxiety.  It's all an effort.  Remaining  symptoms muted positive feelings, visual snow-improving, depression, reduced body sensations.  Recent improvements:  Feel more filled in. Appetite in evening.  Sense of smell improved.  Cotton feeling in head gone.  More aware of physically pleasant sensations.  Things feel nice sometimes.

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl Hi Roserdl,

 

I went through a journey similar to yours.  My reinstatement helped with the symptoms but for a lot of the time I had some of them lurking in the background.  I did eventually get off completely but only after a very long and very slow taper. I was rather pleased through that the last year of my taper was decent in terms of the symptoms. It is possible that your taper won't be hard all the way down.   

 

I wanted to say, don't loose hope. I know it is hard but you are fighting your way through it. I hope you can proud of yourself for what you have lived through so far and what you are currently doing in the way of a taper. 😀

 

[Roserdl]

Yeah I read a few stories of people who reinstated and healed along the way.

 

Ty Rachel.  I go up and down.  The last few months were hell.  Now I am able to function on a limited level. The first down dose has been uneventful so far.  I am moving into accepting this is a one day at a time journey.   I'm tapering 10 percent breaking the cuts into two week increments instead of four.  I'm lucky I stabilized at all.  If the blunting would go away all the other symptoms are tolerable.  It has been really hard not to try to throw other drugs at it but I am choosing to focus on self care and copying healthy things that can help aid brain healing.  Congratulations for getting through. 

[Roserdl]

First 2.5 mg taper uneventful thus far.  The same rumination and regrets continue.  Trying to remind myself what is done is done.  Starting taper was triggering emotionally and really struggled facing road ahead.  Commuting to duration hard.  

 

Trying to tell myself the positives

 

I am still down 40 mg from 2021.  My first drop seems to be holding okay.  

 

I only have the one drug to taper.

 

My body sensation has continued to go up.  The pssd is improving fast. 

Feeling slightly improved libido. 

 

Going through the motions.  Waking with light weights.  

 

Hired a life coach to manage withdrawal.  Helpful.  

 

Acupuncture feels like it is doing nothing.

 

Sleeping with melatonin no remeron.  

 

Eating well.

 

Weight stable

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

 

Hi Roserdl,

 

In regard to your message, thankfully I didn't have emotional blunting.  I had every other thing though.  It was bad. I can't remember exactly how long I held before tapering.  I think it was at least a few months.  I didn't  start my taper until I reach stability.  I also didn't taper while in a wave.  I held, held, and held some more.

[Roserdl]

Have been having a very hard time maintaining hope due to the long taper process ahead. I was hospitalized twice in the first couple months due to severe depression.   I was at a 'top' hospital and basically told my withdrawal symptoms were psychosomatic.  Mostly twenty somethings on the ward and they were shoving antipsychotics and benzos out like candy. Made me so mad.  And it was abundantly clear the second hospitalization with mostly 50 and up that most were in from med side effects.  Tardative dyskensia.  Drooling.

 

Basically upped the zoloft put of sheer desperation.  Lower doses did nothing.  It's a small miracle it helped as much as it did.

 

And I am better than the early months of brain fog brain burning dp\Dr partial paralysis of hands feet face and hips, level 900 panic attacks, near full body numbness, pssd, fun house mirror distortion in vision, light sensitivity and constant body tremors, and total insomnia.  It's better.   I couldn't walk straight let alone drive.  But it's still miserable as it did not help the depression and muting of positive emotions.  It is incredibly hard to fight that voice of futility and discouragement this first taper set off.    I feel I have gotten nowhere and miss my life so much.  I am trying to tell myself a positive story but it is not holding.  Will I ever be happy again?   I was so discouraged this morning.  Just totally heartbroken. Every part of me just wants to stop taking the drug but I know I can't.  So I did my fifty pill and 12.5 liquid and tried to say at least I'm not in physical pain and sleeping well doing this... Sleeping around 7 to 9 hrs, it did restore some equilibrium.  

 

The good news is the taper didn't seem to bring on new symptoms. 

 

Having a rough day.

[Roserdl]

Body sensations seem to continue to increase.  Tinnitus near completely gone and spatial perception feels near normalized.  I have been walking in woods and looking up and through the trees to train my brain for better depth perception.  I actually had a really hard day yesterday but ended up dancing to some music and felt a little inspired.  Able to have a semi okay evening.  Walked a little in woods today and read some success stories.  Pretty down but not out.  Went for brain mapping and did fine on the cognitive computer test except for stuff I'm normally weak in.  Going to take a walk with my hand weights tomorrow.  I am alternating every other day. Sleeping a little less sans remeron but still 6 to 8 hrs.   Getting a lot of Food cravings now, digestion is fine.  Eating lots of kraut and drinking keifer.  Taper seems uneventful thus far.  

[Roserdl]

Dysphoria today.  Holding taper until this passes.  Going to lie in sun and attempt to Journal although I don't want to get out of bed.  This has been so hard on my family who mostly have been supportive except for sister who believes this is a mood disorder which needs antipsychotics.  If there was a cure besides passing time and being miserable I'd gladly take it. 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

You're doing an amazing job <3

I feel so encouraged and inspired by your posts from the past few weeks. 

You're rocking the self-care and proactive non-drug coping to a T. Way to go!

 

15 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

If there was a cure besides passing time and being miserable I'd gladly take it. 

You and me both -- and tens, maybe hundreds of thousands along with us! (as evidenced by millions and millions of humans on psych drugs)

 

I hear you, it can be so hard, all of it. 

Symptom management and coping skills are not an antidote to WD but they can be helpful to us, and you are so good at digging deep into your toolkit. I so admire and respect your efforts.

 

On 6/18/2022 at 12:26 AM, Roserdl said:

Body sensations seem to continue to increase.  Tinnitus near completely gone and spatial perception feels near normalized.  I have been walking in woods and looking up and through the trees to train my brain for better depth perception.  I actually had a really hard day yesterday but ended up dancing to some music and felt a little inspired.  Able to have a semi okay evening.  Walked a little in woods today and read some success stories.  Pretty down but not out.  Went for brain mapping and did fine on the cognitive computer test except for stuff I'm normally weak in.  Going to take a walk with my hand weights tomorrow.  I am alternating every other day. Sleeping a little less sans remeron but still 6 to 8 hrs.   Getting a lot of Food cravings now, digestion is fine.  Eating lots of kraut and drinking keifer.  Taper seems uneventful thus far.  

 

This description is resonating with me. Recently I've been in a wave but before that my WDnormal looked not dissimilar to what you've written. Expanded capacity to find those pockets of relief amidst the overarching WD difficulties. I think of it as things gradually becoming more flexible, like I'm slowly gaining a little bit more agency, even on a hard day, even if only for the duration of a pop song. 

 

Kraut and kefir for the win <3 

(do you make your own, btw?)

 

Thank you so much for sharing your updates, Roserdl. Helps me to read what you're going through.

I'm jazzed for you about the signs of healing in process and commiserate on the challenges. 

You're doing such great work, I hope you give yourself tons of credit!

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

[Roserdl]

Thanks very much Ariel.  Very very rough day today so far.  My partner is really struggling because he is overwhelmed with responsibilities and I was absolutely despondent yesterday.  I nearly ended up in the hospital.   I am very down hearted about tapering off zoloft. The acceptance this will take as long as it takes and the reality of it sank in this week and I have felt like giving up. Trying to take a one day at a time approach and reading numerous success stories of people who reinstated then tapered to keep me going.  I've been a puddle so often this week and crying often.  I've read your journal too and you are amazing for the fight you are putting up.  I'm just trying to distract now

  Still in bed but have to get up to take my zoloft.  I was so upset with my sister thing I was up half the night.  

18 minutes ago, Ariel said:

@Roserdl

You're doing an amazing job ❤️

I feel so encouraged and inspired by your posts from the past few weeks. 

You're rocking the self-care and proactive non-drug coping to a T. Way to go!

 

You and me both -- and tens, maybe hundreds of thousands along with us! (as evidenced by millions and millions of humans on psych drugs)

 

I hear you, it can be so hard, all of it. 

Symptom management and coping skills are not an antidote to WD but they can be helpful to us, and you are so good at digging deep into your toolkit. I so admire and respect your efforts.

 

 

This description is resonating with me. Recently I've been in a wave but before that my WDnormal looked not dissimilar to what you've written. Expanded capacity to find those pockets of relief amidst the overarching WD difficulties. I think of it as things gradually becoming more flexible, like I'm slowly gaining a little bit more agency, even on a hard day, even if only for the duration of a pop song. 

 

Kraut and kefir for the win ❤️

(do you make your own, btw?)

 

Thank you so much for sharing your updates, Roserdl. Helps me to read what you're going through.

I'm jazzed for you about the signs of healing in process and commiserate on the challenges. 

You're doing such great work, I hope you give yourself tons of credit!

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

 

[Ariel]

Thank you dear @Roserdl

I hear you, there are days when it's just distract distract distract and make it through by any non-drug means necessary! 

 

I understand how upsetting it can be when we have these interactions with people who don't understand or question/doubt/negate our experience. I'm sorry you've been experiencing this with your sister. Is there any way you can avoid her for a while?

 

Personally that's been the only way I've found in WD to feasibly protect myself from stressful relationship vibes, I've just had to make a list of people to avoid. Some of them are a**holes, but not all, some of them mean well and it's just that their particular energy or mode of being doesn't get along with my WD. Nothing personal. At some point I decided I just need to take care of myself (because there's no outsmarting WD, so either way I'll have to pay the price eventually) and if that means temporarily cutting someone off, so be it. I try not to be rude about it, I try not to burn any bridges. Who knows what/whom I'll be able to tolerate on the other side of this? So I usually just reach out and say something like, "I'm dealing with chronic illness and all my energy is focused on taking care of myself right now so I'll be out of touch indefinitely. Wishing you well." That's for the people I was in touch with more or less regularly. For people where contact was less frequent I just let go and communication lapsed on its own. For a while I felt sad about this because I felt like it made me feel even more alone and isolated, but ultimately it has brought peace and relief by eliminating the extraneous stressor of dealing with toxic dynamics and people who weren't up to supporting and listening. I don't hold it against them, it is what it is. I have just had to accept that WD has a zero tolerance policy for BS or any kind of trigger, and I gotta do what I gotta do to get through. Nobody's gonna do this for me, so I get to decide who I want in my corner, and if I want anyone there at all. 

 

Not saying this works for everyone, just sharing. 

 

Hang in there, Roserdl.

We're here to celebrate the wins together and cheer each other on through the hurdles all the way to the finish line! (How's that for an energizing, sporty vibe?)

Healing is happening <3

[Roserdl]

Thank you Ariel.

 

We are on the outs, so I wont be in contact with her.  I am just trying to support my partner today and sit with him.  And try to not howl with tears.  Im just reading stories of others who made it out the other side and remind myself progress is being made. 

[Roserdl]

Rough day yesterday but held it together all day and even managed a few better hours in evening but right back into the depression this morning. I think the depression is masking more positive emotions because when it calms down in feeling a bit more positive connections.  The depression is despair and seeing no end. It has been pretty much constant throughout the process.  

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

I'm sorry to read about the continued depression. I hope that those few better hours in the evening continue to grow in duration each night. I found, at least for me, that it took so much time to recover from the withdrawal symptoms that I would start to become despondent.  You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself during this most difficult time.  Hang in there.  You will get through this.

[Roserdl]

29 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl

I'm sorry to read about the continued depression. I hope that those few better hours in the evening continue to grow in duration each night. I found, at least for me, that it took so much time to recover from the withdrawal symptoms that I would start to become despondent.  You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself during this most difficult time.  Hang in there.  You will get through this.

Thank you Rachel.  I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with a long taper.  The realization of it hit hard about ten days ago and though I kinda didn't have a choice with reinstatement but to try it due to hospitalizations and family demands, I was basically making a concession to stay off other drugs.  I feel like the past five months had been for nothing. There is a lot of family stuff too around my withdrawal with my partner going into his own depression and other family challenges.  I don't know if I have strength to endure this, I had a few hours a couple nights this week which were less awful but otherwise it's constant.  Trying to ignore the pain but I'm back sliding.  I am trying to resist throwing more drugs at this as I know this often doesn't work and I think one more setback to prolong this would be more than I can bear.  As you well know the feeling...im trying to remind myself there is a point to this struggle but in the midst of dysphoria, it's hard to believe logical words even when they are true.  Lately I'm doubting less I can recover, just wondering where I will get that strength to go from here to there.  I'm praying a lot but it's moment by moment hanging on right now.

[Healingcontinues]

1 hour ago, Roserdl said:

Lately I'm doubting less I can recover, just wondering where I will get that strength to go from here to there.  I'm praying a lot but it's moment by moment hanging on right now.

You will find the strength. Even in the darkest moments when you think you cannot tolerate this anymore, you can. Your mind will trick you and you will likely feel like giving up more times than you can count… but you will find the strength inside you. It is there, I promise you. In those moments you just have to make it through another hour. Try not to get caught up in future thinking, as difficult as this is. There is only ever this moment. One moment at a time. Take care. You are in my thoughts ❤️

[Roserdl]

21 minutes ago, Healingcontinues said:

You will find the strength. Even in the darkest moments when you think you cannot tolerate this anymore, you can. Your mind will trick you and you will likely feel like giving up more times than you can count… but you will find the strength inside you. It is there, I promise you. In those moments you just have to make it through another hour. Try not to get caught up in future thinking, as difficult as this is. There is only ever this moment. One moment at a time. Take care. You are in my thoughts ❤️

Thank you so much.  I am trying to ignore the 'its pointless voice'  ironically my physical symptoms continue to improve.  Much more body sensation. Vision better.  The disorientation and fun house perception gone.  So some improvement must be happening.  Appreciate the encouragement.  

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl It definitely sounds like are experiencing some improvement. Sometimes  different areas recover faster than some other areas. For you right now it is the physical that seems to be improving first.

 

When I felt as bad as you do now I tried not to look too far ahead.  I said to myself, all I have to do it get through today.  Sometimes I even said, all I have to do is get through this hour, and yes it was even sometimes moment by moment. With each day that goes by you are slowly healing. It might take time but you body is quietly doing the work it needs to do for you to feel better.

 

And yes I am one of those that reinstated and then tapered.  The reinstatement actually was the best thing I could have done for my situation. The good news is that it doesn't have to hurt all the way down the taper. For me, I got to the point where it just sort of worked in the background of my life

 

Hoping for more continued improvement for you.

[Roserdl]

@RachelSusan

Ty soooo much. It really helps hearing from someone who has been through it and can relate. I had a tough few days but tonight for a few hours the depression remitted and I was able to visit with my daughter and be there for her and talk to my dad on the phone.  I think I'll sleep a little better tonight.  Ty again. 

[Roserdl]

Slept well, about 10 hrs which is a record but woke up in a state of deep fear which didn't shake until early afternoon. Watched some positive content.   I dont get windows and waves, everything is just slowly improving or disappearing or no change at all.  The physical stuff is on a very nice curve.  It's slow but steady.  Physical sensation definitely increasing.  The emotional stuff, anxiety improved and I'm definitely sharper and more present.  The depression relents in evenings sometimes.  It's spitting with no clear path or maybe that's not right, there is a clear path but I have a hard time seeing to the other side of it.  Trying to believe there IS another side.  

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl There is indeed another side.  Just give it time, you will get to the other side. The going is slow, but you will get there.

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

You're doing a great job of noticing improvements and getting through the difficulties. 

Give yourself lots of credit for the hard work of everyday WD. 

Thank you for your sweet messages in my thread. 

We are healing <3

[Roserdl]

Ty @Ariel @RachelSusan

 

The depression feels more intense and made it difficult to go to my brain mapping review for neurofeedback.  I did make it.

 

I like the doctor who specializes and offers numerous options besides biofeedback.  Everything is customized, no general protocols.

 

As far as the eeg, The good thing was it showed most of my brainwaves were normal but without enough variability.  I had issues in areas exactly corresponding to withdrawal symptoms with one area around fight or flight effecting the function which directs the ability to calm down (disregulated)  and sensory pain pleasure response.  

 

He wants to do customized lens therapy and gut biome stimulation therapy to start. He also does photobiomodulation therapy which we might try to help aid brain receptor healing.   Going twice a week.  

 

I've healed a lot but still pretty raw

 

 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

 

18 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

The depression feels more intense and made it difficult to go to my brain mapping review for neurofeedback.  I did make it.

 

I like the doctor who specializes and offers numerous options besides biofeedback.  Everything is customized, no general protocols.

 

As far as the eeg, The good thing was it showed most of my brainwaves were normal but without enough variability.  I had issues in areas exactly corresponding to withdrawal symptoms with one area around fight or flight effecting the function which directs the ability to calm down (disregulated)  and sensory pain pleasure response.  

 

He wants to do customized lens therapy and gut biome stimulation therapy to start. He also does photobiomodulation therapy which we might try to help aid brain receptor healing.   Going twice a week.  

 

This sounds really interesting. I'm impressed that you feel strong enough to undertake this. You are very brave. 

I'd be curious to hear how you go. Will you be keeping notes or a journal? I hope you'll share your experiences. 

 

Remember the SA wisdom about only making one change at a time... Otherwise it's hard to tell what's doing what, whether something is helping or not. 

 

Do you know this topic on neurofeedback?

 

I wish you luck and look forward to following along. 

Goodnight <3

[Roserdl]

@Ariel

 

I will be updating.  Very interested in the red light therapy as it stimulates healing and it has shown promising in initial trials.  It would be incredible if there was a therapy which could speed healing for people in our situation.  My Dr. Says he generally uses it on dementia and memory impairment and had miraculous results on that front.  That would be down the line.

 

I will post about it.  Lens is very specific and low frequency.  It has been used with good success with traumatic brain injuries. 

 

Don't feel particularly strong, I cried on way down but I made it.  It's kind of good to force myself to do stuff.  It gets me out of house.  It just kinda screaming in background.  Hard not to react.

 

Sleep well dear 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

 

I would be interested in hearing more about your therapy.  I hope you let us know how it goes.

 

Of course you are raw, you have been through a lot.  You will recover though.

 

 

[Roserdl]

@RachelSusan

 

I will update.   

 

It was interesting to see the results and where the issues were concentrated.   It was reassuring to see so many areas were charted as bright green and normal.   My overall brainwaves are 'locked down' and the treatment is supposed to help reset the brain.   I have pretty severe past trauma and have been stuck in rumination patterns before.   He's also going to use something to improve gut biome on my abdomen.

 

 

My body stuff is continuing to improve consistently but depression has been unabating.   

 

I'm just distracting as much as possible.

[Roserdl]

Depression is a beast right now.  I am getting stuck in ruminating thought patterns and finding it hard to talk myself down

 

On my eeg brain scan,the most deregulated part of my brain was the area which shuts down the fight or flight response after initial threat.  The initiator response was a little deregulated too. 

 

Hopefully the LENS can reset this hyper response.  Not expecting a magic cure for withdrawal but it would be great if I could get some help with this aspect.   I try really hard to be positive but its like nothing sticks.....

 

I have no idea if reinstatement was worth it.  Read a few stories where it took 1 to 2 years to fully kick in, others held no response until taper.  I wish I was fully off, at least then I would feel like the last five months wasn't in vain

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl Sorry to hear the depression is so intense right now.  Do you think the June 7 taper hurt or helped in regard to your depression?

 

I know you want to be off the Zoloft. I understand completely, I always felt that way about myself.  I am wondering if you could feel alright, meaning the depression has lifted and all physical symptoms are gone, if you might not feel as bad about being on the Zoloft and going through a slow taper. Just wondering, I may be off base here. 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. 

 

1 hour ago, Roserdl said:

I have no idea if reinstatement was worth it.  Read a few stories where it took 1 to 2 years to fully kick in, others held no response until taper.  I wish I was fully off, at least then I would feel like the last five months wasn't in vain

 

The last five months haven't been in vain! I know it can sometimes seem that way when we are feeling so awful. 

You are investing time and energy in this process and it is paying off. Healing is happening. Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. 

 

Hang in there, R. It gets better <3

[Roserdl]

Ty @Ariel and @RachelSusan

 

I pushed the taper because of  severe visual snow which started after last up dose.  And, yes, it exacerbated depression which has been constant but it felt more situational than 'chemical' until recently.  Now, it's just constant despair which is compounded by the feeling of being trapped on drug and no clear path.  I have a lot of experience sitting with hard depression and this is worse. 

 

So I think I'm going to hold for awhile now especially given starting Lens.  

 

I want off zoloft due to neurological, heart, and visual side effects.  Ironically my heart symptoms disappeared after ct and not back yet.  

 

I feel like I have to get off to heal though I know that isn't necessarily true as there are multiple stories with people who do significantly stabilize with my same symptoms after reinstatement and then they reduce.  I'm just worried because I kindled that I can't stabilize so waiting will just delay getting off anyway. But I also can't deny I have had significant improvements with cog fog, dr/do and mass physical improvements.    

 

I'm on hold for now.  Hopefully the LENS helps.  It is used for traumatic brain injuries to expedite healing.  I'm just trying to avoid another hospitalization and more drugs.  

 

I hope you both doing well.  Th for the encouragement.

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

 

You mentioned trying to get off of Zoloft because of heart issues. I found that interesting. During my Zoloft taper I had documented heart palpitations for prolonged periods of time. It was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room with the docs treating the heart palpitations. I was told that very high heart rate for a prolonged period of time can be dangerous. After additional testing by a cardiologist he could not say what was causing the problems, but the palpitations did go away once I slowed my taper down. Completely. I do occasionally see heart palpitations mentioned on this site but not all that often. My gosh, these drugs can be so powerful and so dangerous.

 

Depression is a beast.  A mighty beast. I am very sorry you are living with it.

 

The suffering that is reflected on this site leaves me so saddened for all the people here. I really wish that healing happened a lot faster. I had a hip replacement this year and I recovered from the replacement far faster than my anti-depressant withdrawal. It just boggles my mind.

 

I feel like I am rambling on a bit so I'll sign off now. One last thought though is for you and hopefully a faster recovery.

[Roserdl]

I think I have reached the most emotional low yet.  I woke up this morning and could not find a shred of hope and very much felt a total giving up I have yet to feel in lowest lows(which have been extreme and often)  I don't know how to convince myself I'll ever be well.  I reinstated and it's still emotional hell.  I can't get off the drug but I can't heal while I'm on it.  I haven't had more than a few hours of semi relief in months.  So it feels totally pointless, the only route seems to taper anyway to get to the starting line.  And then wait.  I feel I can't bear another second of this...forget a few years.   I can't see a scenario in my mind where this ever ends as I messed up so bad.  If I didn't reinstate maybe I would have a shot but this.....I feel trapped.  

 

I also realized that I'm I am adjusting to ketosis from keto diet and this can heighten depression.  Everything I do seems to make things worse

 

The depression is so severe it's like a broken leg that doesn't heal.....a physical pain which screams all day in the background.  Is there really anyway out of this....and how can I endure.  

 

The depression kinda was better at 65mg but that dose brought on extreme visual snow. So I've dropped back.

 

I don't think cross tapering to another drug would work because I'm so sensitized right now taking a cucurmin supplement triggered facial paralysis symptom of a few months ago.   This went away

 

I'm falling

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl Oh I feel so terrible for you.  I know you are in hell.  If you are considering tapering I would like to encourage you to reach out to one of the mods that was helping you.  Only you know what's best for you but their suggestions may influence your decision. They have seen so many people like us that they can offer some very wise counsel.