Roserdl: withdrawing from Zoloft - need advice about reinstating to taper or stay off

[Roserdl]

2 minutes ago, Carmie said:

Hi Roserdl, 

 

I saw you on another thread just now. How are you doing? It’s certainly good to have a break from this site every now and again as it’s so sad seeing everyone suffering so much and it can be triggering. I’ve had many breaks, some really long ones. 
 

At the same time though, no one can really understand what we’re going through except for people who are going through the same thing, so at least we can say what we’re really experiencing and others understand on this site. 
 

Take care🧡

 

Hey Carmie

 

I'm up and down, ty very much for asking.  I had a more engaged day yesterday.  I swam, took a long walk, and really pulled myself from the pit.  Today I just chatted with people in reddit going through withdrawal.  

 

I got really angry last night and kicked the %/+/ out of a pillow.  Cried in despair in shower.  Then pulled myself together to comfort daughter whose player boyfriend appears to be cheating. 

 

I'm struggling over the long hold or the ongoing taper.  I talked to a few people who told me they stabilized in 4 months to 18 months holding on same dose.

 

I am trying to see if I can truly bear just waiting but I have had good symptom improvement thus far

 

How are you holding up?

[Carmie]

32 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

Hey Carmie

 

I'm up and down, ty very much for asking.  I had a more engaged day yesterday.  I swam, took a long walk, and really pulled myself from the pit.  Today I just chatted with people in reddit going through withdrawal.  

 

I got really angry last night and kicked the %/+/ out of a pillow.  Cried in despair in shower.  Then pulled myself together to comfort daughter whose player boyfriend appears to be cheating. 

 

I'm struggling over the long hold or the ongoing taper.  I talked to a few people who told me they stabilized in 4 months to 18 months holding on same dose.

 

I am trying to see if I can truly bear just waiting but I have had good symptom improvement thus far

 

How are you holding up?

Yes, it’s certainly an up and down predicament we are going through Roserdl, Good days, bad days, crying days, smiling days. It’s one big rollercoaster ride, not a fun one. 
 

I’m so glad that going for a walk helped pull you out of a bit. It’s nice being outdoors in nature, it’s so soothing. I haven’t been able to go for a walk for days as I have CFS and I’ve kind of been in bed mostly, though I’m keeping myself occupied with different things. When I pick up a little I will go for a little walk. My favourite place is the beach, I wish I lived next to a beach, I’d be lying there every day. There’s something so soothing about the sound of crashing waves. 
 

Yes, sometimes it can take a really long time to stabilise from changes, any time I started tapering while not being in a window I payed for it down the road. My body needs long holds between each drop and I’m only dropping by 1.30% or so at the moment.  I’ll be on these meds forever! I guess each little drop is a step forward. I might experiment again in the future and see if I can up the percentage, if not, I’ll continue at a snail’s pace🐌

 

I’m glad you’re seeing improvements. I’m not doing too bad today withdrawal wise, thanks for asking. It’s been three weeks and three days since my last drop. My other health concerns, unrelated to withdrawals, are giving me more distress at the moment. 
 

Do you take magnesium? In the past when I took it, it ramped up my symptoms. I went to an integrative doctor recently though and she put me on liquid magnesium and started me really slowly, I think it’s actually helping a little, and so far it’s not ramping up my symptoms. I’ve worked up to 50mg twice a day, which is a ml of liquid twice a day. 
 

I hope you have some better days soon🧡

[Roserdl]

I am feeling like giving up. This feels pointless.

 

How do people survive this?  Seriously. I know they do.  In all kinds of ways and all kinds of paths, but I can't see this ever ending and I don't seem to be able to tell myself anything positive the past few days to even make a dent in the pessimism.  

 

I've talked to two people who stabilized who stated with similar symptoms to mine and they are now fine after holding 18 months two years.  But, What if I hold that long and never stabilize.  I will have wasted years holding and prolonging this.

 

I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't even see a tunnel.  Or a path out.  

 

It's so hard.  Talked to another woman who waited four years and then went back on meds and now is doing well.

 

There are no clear roads.  For everything that works for one, it's a disaster for another.  And everyone's opinion is colored by their own experience.

 

The depression is a physical pain.  I sit with it and just let it be but it feels like letting a fractured femur just be.  

 

Like everyone here, I just don't want to be in pain anymore

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

I 

[wantrelief]

Hi @Roserdl:  I relate to many of the feelings you have expressed in your posts.  Withdrawal makes it very very difficult to think anything positive at times so please be gentle with yourself about this.  Withdrawal can also make us feel like there is no way out, that life always be like this.  I struggle with those same thoughts too.

 

It sounds like you have made some good progress in stabilizing so perhaps holding for awhile longer will help bring more relief.....that is my hope for you at least. 

 

I have read your supportive messages to others.  You are so kind to encourage folks whilst you are struggling.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I support you on your journey and please know you are not alone.

 

Sending good thoughts your way, WR

[Roserdl]

12 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

 

Hi @Roserdl:  I relate to many of the feelings you have expressed in your posts.  Withdrawal makes it very very difficult to think anything positive at times so please be gentle with yourself about this.  Withdrawal can also make us feel like there is no way out, that life always be like this.  I struggle with those same thoughts too.

 

It sounds like you have made some good progress in stabilizing so perhaps holding for awhile longer will help bring more relief.....that is my hope for you at least. 

 

I have read your supportive messages to others.  You are so kind to encourage folks whilst you are struggling.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I support you on your journey and please know you are not alone.

 

Sending good thoughts your way, WR

Thank you so much.  I know we are in the titanic life raft together.  It's so easy to see hope for othets but not ones self.  That is for sure. Very sorry you are in this struggle as well

[wantrelief]

2 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

I know we are in the titanic life raft together.  It's so easy to see hope for othets but not ones self. 

Titanic life raft indeed - so aptly put!  It is true that it is easier to see hope for others than ourselves at times.  That is why I wanted to reach out to you as I do see hope for you!

[Erimus]

I’m going through the same thing at the moment @Roserdl. Trying to stabilise on sertraline//Zoloft. I know your pain. Days like today I question if it’s all worth it, mindlessly slogging away for months on end in the hope of stability. Thankfully my body’s built in survival instinct drags me through each day wether I like it or not. There has to be a reason for all this suffering, we just don’t know what it is yet. 
 

Keep on keeping on. It’ll be worth it in the end, I think.. haha.

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl I just read your latest post.  I went through what you are going through and can relate to exactly what you are saying. 

I am not sure if I expressed it to you or to someone else, I can't remember, but even though I held for a long time the pain level was not as severe all the way though. It got better.  I say this to you because I want to offer you hope.  Hope is a powerful thing. I had to believe that there were better days coming. Sometimes I did despair and like you thought I would never recover. I did. Sometimes it's just getting through one day at a time. You will stabilize.

 

 

[Roserdl]

29 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl I just read your latest post.  I went through what you are going through and can relate to exactly what you are saying. 

I am not sure if I expressed it to you or to someone else, I can't remember, but even though I held for a long time the pain level was not as severe all the way though. It got better.  I say this to you because I want to offer you hope.  Hope is a powerful thing. I had to believe that there were better days coming. Sometimes I did despair and like you thought I would never recover. I did. Sometimes it's just getting through one day at a time. You will stabilize.

 

 

ty everyone for words of support.

 

I think the hardest part is not knowing how to proceed.  I felt like I was on a good path with steady improvements but after getting vision problems at 65 it was clear that was a reaction to too high dose of drug.   So I've slowly polls back over last month which massively helped vision problems but worsened depression.

 

I wish I knew if it was possible to stabilize on drug or do I need to muddled through and keep going.  My prescribed wants me crosstapered onto 10mg prozac with a slow reduction in zoloft.  I feel backed against wall.  

 

TX for the support

[vvanessaa23]

Hi. I hope you’re starting to feel better, I’m at the beginning stages of this and it feels so hopeless. 
I was just surprised to see that you had facial numbness too because I thought I was just starting to lose my mind or something was very wrong with my brain. It wasn’t listed in withdrawal symptoms so I didn’t think it was part of it but it started less than two weeks after tapering so maybe it’s that. I was also on Zoloft, I don’t think I can reinstate bc of the GI issues it caused were dangerous for me. I hope this fades because the lifeguard in me keeps saying I’m having a stroke when half my face is tingling for hours. Stay strong, I know it’s hard

[Roserdl]

On 7/12/2022 at 11:25 PM, vvanessaa23 said:

Hi. I hope you’re starting to feel better, I’m at the beginning stages of this and it feels so hopeless. 
I was just surprised to see that you had facial numbness too because I thought I was just starting to lose my mind or something was very wrong with my brain. It wasn’t listed in withdrawal symptoms so I didn’t think it was part of it but it started less than two weeks after tapering so maybe it’s that. I was also on Zoloft, I don’t think I can reinstate bc of the GI issues it caused were dangerous for me. I hope this fades because the lifeguard in me keeps saying I’m having a stroke when half my face is tingling for hours. Stay strong, I know it’s hard

I had numbness and paralysis in hands feet face and over all decreased body sensation and couldn't walk straight.  It's all mostly gone now except some lingering reduced body sensation but that has markedly improved.  Reinstatement is a gamble but everything a gamble with this condition. I've been on so many different sites with many different stories on how people got to other side.

 

I thought I had a stroke too but it was ruled out.

 

It goes away so hang in

  

I'm hanging in and weighing options.  I do not think zoloft is touching depression at this dose (it helped at reinstated higher doses but severe visual side effects).  My prescriber wants to cross over to prozac or do ect because the depression is so off the wall. (No one needs to chime in on that, I'm fully aware of pitfalls of this procedure and I've read the full subject including all linked posts on this site. And Talked to a few people who did it after coming off meds to fast.  I actually think from my talks with people it's a major way people land on ect but it gets attributed to 'relapse'.  Decidedly mixed reviews.

 

I've gotten earful from all perspectives.

 

Thanks for the kind words

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Depression is down with latest cut which is surprising.  Last week was roughest for depression so far but now feels situational again.  Physical symptoms continue to improve steadily.  Body sensation markedly increased.  But OCD around not healing has been awful

[wantrelief]

It is great to hear that you have noticed some positive changes with the latest cut you made, @Roserdl!  The thoughts around not healing seem to be a withdrawal symptom in itself and are very hard to contend with (unfortunately I have the same thoughts and they are relentless).  Hopefully the changes you have experienced helps somewhat to quell those pesky thoughts. I am thinking of you, WR.

[Roserdl]

1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

It is great to hear that you have noticed some positive changes with the latest cut you made, @Roserdl!  The thoughts around not healing seem to be a withdrawal symptom in itself and are very hard to contend with (unfortunately I have the same thoughts and they are relentless).  Hopefully the changes you have experienced helps somewhat to quell those pesky thoughts. I am thinking of you, WR.

Ty WR.

 

Sending you giant hugs and wishes for a wide open window.   

 

It was my b day today and it was very hard to be in this place.  Regular days are bummers enough. We always go the ocean but haven't because of covid and this was going to be the year.

 

I am definitely physically doing better.  The atrocious burning pain at night has massively leveled off and the depression is lightened but not gone.  

 

I walked in the yard.  The flowers and sunset were breathtaking and hi had a few moments of peace.

 

Thinking of you lovely

 

 

[wantrelief]

@RoserdlOh gosh I feel for you with this being your birthday today.  It is really really hard on those occasions to feel so unwell when it should be a fun and celebratory day.  I am sorry about your not getting to go to the ocean.....that makes it even harder I am sure.

 

I do think it is a good sign you have improved physically and that the depression has lightened (although I know it is really hard having it at all).

 

I am so glad you had a few moments of peace today....may you have more and more of those.

 

I am hopeful you will continue to see improvements. 

 

Sending you giant hugs back,

WR

 

 

[Roserdl]

Yesterday was better day

  Stayed mostly positive and had rare moment of hope for 15 minutes.  I did my positive manifestation journaling and told myself the negative thoughts are just purging and the more I purge the more positive thoughts take over.  They say you create your own reality so I found a loophole.

 

  I also walked several times.

 

Today I went round and round and round on the what am I gonna do merry go round.

 

It didn't land any where, it went round and round and round

 

But I have some ideas

 

Improvements, increased body sensation, lessening of pssd, sleep has been 7 to 9 hrs on melatonin

 

Depression is not nearly as strong as it was a couple weeks ago. 

 

My ocd is spiraling with no distractions.  I simply have to replace my search for ideas to get well wit something else.  Any other obsession will do.

 

I find prepper forums mildly amusing so maybe I'll focus on that.  Not that we aren't ready!

 

Manifestation and prepper stuff. Check.

 

But today is a gold star day because I'm still here

 

Funny moment of the day which gave me a smile and brief chuckle

 

Two humming birds darting after each other in the hydrangea bushes.

 

And really my daily drama lying in the moss and contemplating ect while telling my partner it's ok... He can go on without me... gets the Italian martyr of the year award and will be funny in time

 

Love to all

 

(Also feeling slight increase in feelings and connections in evenings but it gets covered by angst.

 

I'm forcing myself to write some positive stuff down because I think I've been ignoring small improvements.  And I think I am connecting more than I realize but it's filling in

 Not windows and waves.

 

I have been having some pain at night kinda tender fibromyalgia b.s. and joint pain but this is going in the positive column too.  As I couldn't feel my body for first months so hey.....progress

 

Also very snacky at night.  Food cravings coming back.  Really want lasagna but the keto diet is a no go.

 

Burritos.  Pizza.   Hot fudge sundaes.

 

Omg yes

 

I could eat and eat and eat.

 

So appetite is excellent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

Happy belated birthday <3

 

I had a birthday last week too and it was rough, so I can relate. 

 

Your most recent post made me smile. I hear you. 

Smiling through the tears, finding the funny in the sad. 

It's all in a day's work. 

 

You're doing a great job, Rose. 

Healing is happening <3

 

Feeling grateful for your sense of humor and your shining example,

Thank you <3

In solidarity and support, sending healing vibes <3

A. 

 

[Roserdl]

2 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Roserdl

Happy belated birthday ❤️

 

I had a birthday last week too and it was rough, so I can relate. 

 

Your most recent post made me smile. I hear you. 

Smiling through the tears, finding the funny in the sad. 

It's all in a day's work. 

 

You're doing a great job, Rose. 

Healing is happening ❤️

 

Feeling grateful for your sense of humor and your shining example,

Thank you ❤️

In solidarity and support, sending healing vibes ❤️

A. 

 

Happy Belated Birthday fellow crab

 

Waddle waddle waddle😘😘

 

Sorry you had a tough bday too.  You deserve a reprieve and full stabilization.

 

Ty for the kind words fellow moon maiden

[Roserdl]

Down post so trigger warning

 

Anger is high today intermixed with hopelessness.

 

I've thrown some things (not at people) and feel hopeless as I don't think I can stabilize on drug not do I think I have the wherewithal to taper and face the duration

 

I have zero interest in anything and all my emotions are deeply painful ones.

 

I do not know how to endure this and with only a sliver of hope it will get better, it feels like suffering for suffering sake.

 

Coping skills aren't meant to be used 24 7.  If one more person tells me to deep breaths or distract....how many leaves on a tree can one count.  How many mindless walks in a circle can one take.

 

If I could get a break.  A window.  But my pattern is slow improvements and the improvements are mostly physical  not emotional.

 

Everyone wants me to go inpatient but don't force it because I've been twice and they do nothing. 

 

I have written books of positive affirmations and listen to sleep hypnosis.  It doesn't stick.  When I can get the gumption, I talk out loud to keep a positive narrative all day.  But it vanishes when I stop.  I don't believe this will end.  

 

I suffered depression since I was little,  long before psych meds and suffered a lot working to avoid treatment.  Exercise.  Therapy.  The one concession was zoloft and with my psych record not being poly Drugged or self medicating was a major accomplishment.   So to wind up here because I took some supplements and jumped off a fourth of my dose of ssri.  

 

If I could see a clear path to walk, I could walk it.  But feeling trapped in the middle of a maze where all the paths seem to be blocked off....i feel like I've made zero progress.   

 

The OCD loop is just relentless.  Distilled down to two phrases.  You aren't getting any better...give up.  

 

I wish I could watch tv or read.  Anything to have some distraction.  

 

I'm not feeling hopeful I will survive this...the pain is simply surpassing my ability to cope and my OCD isn't something to reason with....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

Sending you a hug <3

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

I am troubled that you are feeling so horrible.  I hope it turns around quickly. You shouldn't have to experience this.

[FVFI]

I am very sorry, please hang in there. My week was terrible but trying to stay positive. When you were on the higher dose of zoloft did it help? It did not help me and to make matters worse I have a seizure disorder and am on a medication for that.

[Roserdl]

3 hours ago, FVFI said:

I am very sorry, please hang in there. My week was terrible but trying to stay positive. When you were on the higher dose of zoloft did it help? It did not help me and to make matters worse I have a seizure disorder and am on a medication for that.

Thanks 

 

I had a really good conversation with a close friend and she actually got a few chuckles put of me.  So after three ewwwwww days, feeling a little better.

 

The higher dose zoloft did help the depression but as visual side effects were one of the reasons I dropped off, this worsened.   Visual side effect lifted going lower but depression worsened.  It's lightening up a bit.

 

Very sorry to hear about your terrible week. Hope this lightens.  

 

I just saturated my place with sage to get rid of all the stuck energy.  

 

I think I'm going the sleep out in the green room with the plants which I managed to water tonight. 

 

@Ariel hugs back

 

I'm hanging in.  I have a very dark voice and the lighter hopeful voice.  I share both on here.  This crap is hardcore brutal and hats off to every person standing.

[Roserdl]

Up and down.

 

Yesterday went swimming a few times and took several short walks.  Kind of was able to talk myself into a more hopeful place.

 

Intermittent breakdowns but short lived

 

This morning it vanished and it was very dark.  It's the most challenging thing to feel like all the work to have a functional day disappears overnight.

 

I did notice that I am regaining more pleasant sensations in body.

 

Less head/brain burning too.  Nightly burning body and joint pain is better.   

 

 

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

I am really sorry you are experiencing such discomfort, @Roserdl, but at the same time am pleased you have noticed some improvements.  It sounds like you are doing your best to get through this awfully challenging time.

 

[Soup]

@Roserdl good to hear of the more pleasant body sensations 😊 sorry it is still such a struggle . Sending you hugs of hope 

[Ariel]

Oh @Roserdl

I see you working so hard. 

Give yourself so much credit for your efforts!

Sending hugs <3

[Roserdl]

Thank you @wantrelief

@Soup @Ariel

 

It's the not knowing whether I can stabilize on a hold or just keep dropping?

 

I do feel like I'm getting slow improvements but the apathy/blunting is making it very tough.  Why am I seeing so much physical improvement and snails pace emotional improvement.  I do feel calmer and more filled in.

 

I don't know. If I felt I had a clear path it would be easier

[Soup]

@Roserdl I can totally relate but at least you are seeing some type of improvement which is a great sign . 
I wish I could feel some type of improvement . ……

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

 

13 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

If I felt I had a clear path it would be easier

 

I hear you. 

The uncertainty is a real challenge. 

 

13 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

I do feel like I'm getting slow improvements but the apathy/blunting is making it very tough.  Why am I seeing so much physical improvement and snails pace emotional improvement.  I do feel calmer and more filled in.

 

I have read in various success stories that many people experience physical symptoms improving at different times/rates than emotional symptoms. It's that whole non-linear healing thing. 

Again, the uncertainty of it all can be a real challenge. 

 

I wrote this to another member earlier, feels like it might be relevant to share: 

 

44 minutes ago, Ariel said:

 

You know, people say we heal from WD at a "snail's pace". This is supposed to mean healing happens slowly.

But have you ever really watched a snail traverse any distance? They move at quite a clip relative to their size. 

It's anthropocentric to use the phrase "snail's pace" to denote slowness, it's just human projection and poor reasoning.

If we really do heal from WD at a "snail's pace", our brains being the snails, well that's quite a respectable tempo. 

I think about that every time I see a snail in the park (which is often), and it gives me hope.

 

Another thought I find encouraging is that if healing is non-linear, it should stand that periods of accelerated recovery are possible. 

Sometimes when patience feels challenging I tell myself that the rate of healing is variable and could potentially speed up at any time. 

 

 

Hang in there, Rose. This is temporary, it will pass. It gets better <3

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

[Roserdl]

21 minutes ago, Soup said:

@Roserdl I can totally relate but at least you are seeing some type of improvement which is a great sign . 
I wish I could feel some type of improvement . ……

They are coming sweetie.  I know it feels slow as molasses in January but they are coming

 

The snail analogy is adorable.

That is an adorable analogy. 😘

[Roserdl]

I don't seem to have windows.  

 

If I had a window I think I could have some hope.  But it has been months now since a few hours of feeling kinda like myself.  

 

Have I made it impossible to heal by reinstating?

 

I just want to quit the drug again ct but I don't.  I am going down a bit at a time and feeling like reinstatement doomed me.  I never have a good day.   I am devastated each morning when I wake up.

 

I am so jealous of people on here who have windows as beacons of healing.

 

If I could just get a sign but nothing.

 

If I didn't go back on drug I might have had a chance

 

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

Hi at Roserdl,

 

I got your message. I know you feel terrible and this makes me sad.  I can so relate to what you are going through.

 

I know you have tried reinstatement but have always continued to taper after the reinstatement because the Zoloft affected your vision. Since you have tried the continual taper and it didn't work, and you have tried cold turkey and that put you in a world of hurt then perhaps a nice good long hold, as you mentioned, might be worth a try. What do you think?

 

What you are currently doing is exactly what I did. I reinstated and then I continued to taper. My symptoms persisted and they were awful. Life was hell. I finally stopped tapering and held for a long time and then I started to feel a little relief.  Sadly for me, unlike others here, I never really experienced windows and waves.  I just felt bad with a ton of symptoms for months until I had that long hold. Then slowly all the symptoms started to fade away, but it was so slow that I didn't even notice at first.

 

Yes, Yes I know it is terrible to be in this limbo state trying to trust you will recover. You also probably want to know what a long hold is, and sadly I can't remember what I did.  But I know it was months. Three months, five months, I don't know.  But because we are all different people and we heal at different times  it doesn't really matter what I did. It is about what your body needs.  If you able to say to yourself "I am going to hold at 54mg until I feel recovered, or close to recovered" then I think it is the way to go.

 

Once I did get to that place where I felt better then tapering was much easier.  By the way, if I went too fast with the taper I would know it and get a rush of symptoms six weeks later. Also the tapering, at least for me was cumulative.  What I mean by that is that taper number one might not have caused symptoms, nor tapers two through five, but by the time I got to taper number six, even though six was tiny, I got hit with a ton of symptoms.  Those tapers add up.

 

I know you are disheartened, so was I. But if you could commit to this new game plan maybe it will help. I don't have a crystal ball so I can't promise you but I really do think it will help.  You have already tried everything else and so far none of it has worked.

 

If you would like me to check in with you once a week please let me know. I can do that regardless of what game plan you decide to pursue. I will not judge you.

 

Giant hugs and warm wishes.

[Soup]

@RachelSusan lovely words for rose ❤️

[Roserdl]

3 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl

Hi at Roserdl,

 

I got your message. I know you feel terrible and this makes me sad.  I can so relate to what you are going through.

 

I know you have tried reinstatement but have always continued to taper after the reinstatement because the Zoloft affected your vision. Since you have tried the continual taper and it didn't work, and you have tried cold turkey and that put you in a world of hurt then perhaps a nice good long hold, as you mentioned, might be worth a try. What do you think?

 

What you are currently doing is exactly what I did. I reinstated and then I continued to taper. My symptoms persisted and they were awful. Life was hell. I finally stopped tapering and held for a long time and then I started to feel a little relief.  Sadly for me, unlike others here, I never really experienced windows and waves.  I just felt bad with a ton of symptoms for months until I had that long hold. Then slowly all the symptoms started to fade away, but it was so slow that I didn't even notice at first.

 

Yes, Yes I know it is terrible to be in this limbo state trying to trust you will recover. You also probably want to know what a long hold is, and sadly I can't remember what I did.  But I know it was months. Three months, five months, I don't know.  But because we are all different people and we heal at different times  it doesn't really matter what I did. It is about what your body needs.  If you able to say to yourself "I am going to hold at 54mg until I feel recovered, or close to recovered" then I think it is the way to go.

 

Once I did get to that place where I felt better then tapering was much easier.  By the way, if I went too fast with the taper I would know it and get a rush of symptoms six weeks later. Also the tapering, at least for me was cumulative.  What I mean by that is that taper number one might not have caused symptoms, nor tapers two through five, but by the time I got to taper number six, even though six was tiny, I got hit with a ton of symptoms.  Those tapers add up.

 

I know you are disheartened, so was I. But if you could commit to this new game plan maybe it will help. I don't have a crystal ball so I can't promise you but I really do think it will help.  You have already tried everything else and so far none of it has worked.

 

If you would like me to check in with you once a week please let me know. I can do that regardless of what game plan you decide to pursue. I will not judge you.

 

Giant hugs and warm wishes.

Hi Rachel

 

Holding makes a lot of sense.  I'm just so scared that I've kindled to the point my brain won't stabilize.  

 

I know my depression symptoms were better at 65 so if the drug was totally not helping I would not see any benefit or get worse.  However my physical symptoms improved with the drop.  However they were also improving slowly going up.

 

I read one story where it took one woman 18 months to stabilize with slow improvements.  Another person on reddit got better after 2 years.  

 

I've been 50 or above since April but only on one dose for six weeks

 

Going to write this out:

Symptoms that have gone away

 

Partial paralysis ataxia brain fog dp/dr all gastrointestinal symptoms tremors brain zaps shooting nerve jolts, visual depth perception restored, empty head now filled in,  ability to yawn and sneeze returned

 

Appetite is back. Weight stabilized

 

Symptoms that have improved

 

Anxiety, body sensation, pssd, tinnitus, sleep 6 to 9hrs and now getting up to four hours with no waking, can now cry and numbness has gone to restore all the sucky emotion. Do still feel some connections to dogs family. Love is there just buried under negative emotions, Blunting feels slightly less intense, this started after ct not on drug, vision improved

 

Symptoms that have stayed the same: apathy. 

 

Symptoms that have gotten worse or go up and down in extremes

 

Depression 

Rumination 

Fear

OCD spirals

 

Depression levels out after change but situational. 

 

The sole reason i push ahead is fear of apathy and blunting on drug and seeing people carefully holding and staying in same place for years with bad symptoms.  I have a friend who continued to taper through very hard symptoms and then went on to be fine a year later.   I have talked to soooo many people

 

It's all so unknowable and individual

 

Thank you for the advice and hugs.  I'm going to think about it

 

Checking in would be lovely

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

I have been praying for signs and when I told my partner I don't feel like I'm getting them he tells me I am but I ignore them.

 

As I was struggling around direction I got a call from a friend I seldom hear from and she had gone through withdrawal years ago.  I never knew.  She was very supportive and gave some different perspective.

 

I also have been trying to notice what is around me.  Humming birds.  A lot of hummingbirds.  Dive bombing hummingbirds.  They stand for healing and joy.

 

I went swimming and walked a couple miles.  

 

I think I know my path but haven't had the self confidence to walk it but walk it I must.

 

I have been looking too much for outside advice.  After talking to dozens of people it was about as clear as mud as so many took different paths to get to same place.

 

Thanks to everyone for their support