Roserdl: withdrawing from Zoloft - need advice about reinstating to taper or stay off

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

Hi Rose,

I love hummingbirds and we have a lot of feeders at our house. What ever path you pick for yourself I am sure it will be the right path.

[Ariel]

4 hours ago, Roserdl said:

I have been praying for signs and when I told my partner I don't feel like I'm getting them he tells me I am but I ignore them.

 

As I was struggling around direction I got a call from a friend I seldom hear from and she had gone through withdrawal years ago.  I never knew.  She was very supportive and gave some different perspective.

 

I also have been trying to notice what is around me.  Humming birds.  A lot of hummingbirds.  Dive bombing hummingbirds.  They stand for healing and joy.

 

I went swimming and walked a couple miles.  

 

I think I know my path but haven't had the self confidence to walk it but walk it I must.

 

I have been looking too much for outside advice.  After talking to dozens of people it was about as clear as mud as so many took different paths to get to same place.

 

Thanks to everyone for their support

 

This is beautiful, @Roserdl

Thank you so much for sharing. 

 

The exchange with your partner reminds me of the parable of the flood. Do you know that one? 

Regardless of religion, it's a resonant analogy for how our minds work. 

I remember, too, how earlier in your thread you were recalling the story of the Chinese farmer. 

It's so helpful to have these references -- focal points, touchstones, re-centering forces, grounding tools, narrative frameworks -- for when things feel "clear as mud". 

 

You're doing an awesome job, Roserdl. 

Give yourself lots of credit for your efforts!

 

Thanks again for your lovely, inspiring post. 

You have helped me today. 

 

Sending hugs and healing vibes,

A.

[Roserdl]

Ty @Ariel  and @RachelSusan

 

I try to remind myself my healing trajectory has been fairly quick considering how extreme and total my symptoms were.  If those could heal the rest can heal

 

It's interesting because the body stuff is healing really fast.   

 

I'm glad one of my rambles was useful to you. This and saving  a bumble bee from drowning are my major accomplishments this week

 

How are you doing Ariel?  Anymore windows cracking open?

[wantrelief]

1 hour ago, Roserdl said:

I try to remind myself my healing trajectory has been fairly quick considering how extreme and total my symptoms were.  If those could heal the rest can heal

This is a great perspective, Roserdl!  Indeed, if those could heal the rest can too!

[Soup]

@Roserdl so happy for your continued healing 

[Ariel]

3 hours ago, Roserdl said:

I'm glad one of my rambles was useful to you. This and saving  a bumble bee from drowning are my major accomplishments this week

 

Thank you, @Roserdl, those are indeed noteworthy deeds! 

The bumble bee and I raise a toast to you in gratitude <3

 

 

[Roserdl]

7 hours ago, Soup said:

@Roserdl so happy for your continued healing 

Ty Soup and @wantrelief 

 

I did good all day then melted down 

[Soup]

@Roserdl I am so sorry for your meltdown . I did that all day 

Now I am trying to just calm down and give myself some grace 

Sending you huge healing hugs ❤️

[Roserdl]

I'm so sorry @soup.   Praying for some relief for you. 

 

I called my dad and he got me chuckling a little bit and I feel a little bit like myself. 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

 

Hi Roserdl,

 

Dads are great.  Wishing you a better day today.

[Roserdl]

If ONE more person tells me I need more doctors......(triggered by a phone call by my mother)

 

I have literally talked to a DOZEN doctors

 

The best I can say are the ones at my local hospital were far more validating and respectful than the 'top' hospital I went to in Boston.  At least they seemed to genuinely care and consider withdrawal as real.  I actually got some benefit from the counselors there too.

 

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

[wantrelief]

Hi @Roserdl:  

 

Thank you for your sweet message on my thread.

 

I am so sorry you were triggered by the phone call with your mom.....it is understandable if she was suggesting you see yet another doctor.  I had a difficult interaction with my sister today around this stuff so understand.  It is hard for people outside of the "withdrawal world" to understand....they see us suffering and just want "us" back. Of course we want that too and are working towards this but our loved ones don't always support our path.  All of this can make a terribly difficult time even harder and lonelier than it already is.  Thank goodness we can come here where others understand and are supportive.

 

I hope you were able to find some peace after the phone call today.

[Roserdl]

9 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Hi @Roserdl:  

 

Thank you for your sweet message on my thread.

 

I am so sorry you were triggered by the phone call with your mom.....it is understandable if she was suggesting you see yet another doctor.  I had a difficult interaction with my sister today around this stuff so understand.  It is hard for people outside of the "withdrawal world" to understand....they see us suffering and just want "us" back. Of course we want that too and are working towards this but our loved ones don't always support our path.  All of this can make a terribly difficult time even harder and lonelier than it already is.  Thank goodness we can come here where others understand and are supportive.

 

I hope you were able to find some peace after the phone call today.

Awww thanks.

 

I just tried to wish her love in my heart and not let long standing dynamics get in the way.  I've been leaning on my parents  too much in my hardest times lately.  They have really tried.  

 

My sister no longer speaks to me as she views me as resisting treatment  and non compliant.  I think our relationship is pretty much over which is sad because I love her but oh well.

 

Sorry you feel isolated by family.  It's hard and very few people stick around.  My best friend only can talk to me when I'm in a more positive mind frame.   I hope you have at least a few people in your life to be there.

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Much better day today.  

 

I managed to go to the grocery store and out with daughter and take a walk and really kept up the positive manifestation work.  I even managed a visit with my neighbor.  I'm astounded because I didn't want to get out of bed.

 

I have been adhering to the keto diet as well and taking mct oil.  Physically my symptoms have been dropping off even with the taper.  Vision much better and the brain burning and night pain are oodles better.  I need to add in some intermittent fasting.  Been munching too much before bed now that my appetite is fully back

 

No fear this morning waking up.  No crippling depression just the situational stuff which is challenging but nothing like the worst of it

 

Did a lot of journaling and praying this last night and took a cold shower.  Also talked to my life coach this week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Woke up with the negative chirping but turned it around.  

I took a long walk and swam and kept it positive for most of day.

 

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl

 

This is wonderful.  I am very pleased you were able to do this.

[Roserdl]

11 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl

 

This is wonderful.  I am very pleased you were able to do this.

Ty Rachel.  I'm just doing a lot of positive self talk and affirming.  I'm not perfect and it's challenging but it's making the days go by much faster to do things.  My goal today is to drive into town and pick up my script.  

[Roserdl]

Walked 3 miles swam and managed to go to town

 

Definitely feel calmer tonight, hopefully exercise is helping

 

Long day

Up at 630 and yawning now but happy to feel any sense of natural tiredness

 

Depression definitely less

[wantrelief]

It is great to hear you've noticed these improvements, @Roserdl!😊

[Soup]

@Roserdl this is so positive . You got this …..so brave 

Healing hugs ❤️

[Roserdl]

Changing the script

 

It's a challenge not a problem

 

Staying on manifestation road....

 

Helps a lot with the despair

[Roserdl]

Going to stay off internet forums as I notice substantial improvements in symptoms and coping focusing on other things

 

Love to all

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl I wish you the best of luck. I have no doubt that you will be very successful in your recovery.

[Ariel]

Take care, @Roserdl 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

[Kat66]

How are you doing at the moment @Roserdl? I noticed you said you were staying off forums - has that changed?

 

Sending healing thoughts x

[Roserdl]

Embarrassing update

 

I figured I would update my profile as a warning about what not to do.  Please heed it so maybe this experience will not be in total vain.  I am doubting I will survive.  My coping skills are simply exceeded by my ability to withstand the pain.  There appears to be no help available.  Please be aware I know what I did was wrong.  I came into this with my fix it personality and did myself great harm.  I don't need lectures as I will likely pay for it by giving up.  So please no salt in wound.  It is possible that my actions are the only reason I lasted this long was because my actions gave me hope.  I have no hope now.  

 

Here's a more full record of my experience:

 

Last January when I jumped at 25,I was doing a cleanse which entailed coffee enemas and iodine supplements.  I thought I had breast cancer at the time.  I was on multiple vitamin brain supplements.  I didn't understand the reconfiguration concept of how the drugs work.   I thought it was just not producing enough neurotransmitters

 

This launched one of the most physically and emotionally extreme withdrawals I have read about.  I was also in an extremely traumatized place with being part of health professional group that was independently 'following the science' and objectively reviewing evidence against official claims on covid 19.  I'm not getting into our findings here but suffice to say if you think pointing out data and objective truth on psychiatric drug narratives is tough try it with Covid.   i worked 12 to 16 hours a day and wrote over 120 articles and outreached to 100s of media  outlets.  I was so hyperfocused I failed to investigate my own drug appropriately.  To be fair, I had come off before without problems.  I was also so exhausted and traumatized by the work, I wasn't thinking clearly.  I also had just discovered my bleeding disorder for the past 15 years was from Zoloft and wanted off.  I realize now it was the cause of chronic chest pain.  So I jumped at 25 but I was only on that dose a very short period.

 

Everything stated to collapse.  The more it did, the more I forced things in extreme ways.   Heavy exercise, new supplements, cbd oil.  Until I was throwing up all day, akathesia all night  and I got in a war with doctors between serotonin syndrome and withdrawal.  Go back on

  No go off.  Until my emotions all blinked out and I was a level 10 on a long list of physical and emotional symptoms. I was partially paralyzed and near completely numb in my body.  I could not yawn or sneeze.  I couldn't control my bladder.  

 

I came here and was told not to reinstate or do only a low  dose.  I still didn't understand the receptor occupancy and I was in denial. 

 

In this time I was hospitalized twice and in and out of er eight times.  I was forcibly brought to ER twice though admitted voluntarily both times.  I spent twenty one days in hospital and managed to avoid new drugs except a very temporary stint on remeron for sleep.  I was told my symptoms were psychosomatic by the top doctor at Boston's 'finest' psych hospital.  I did listen to the mods on this...one place discharged me with 7 scripts.  I didn't fill them

 

Going up on Zoloft was also a way to stay off other drugs and avoid more forced er visits.  My family gets it now but they didn't then.  Except my sister, she would have forced ECT

 

I also did one ketamine treatment which was a horror show in early May. It ironically brought on a two day window.  I am not anti ketamine as I have known some people it really helps.  But not in wd. Especially very early wd. Thank God they only gave me a fourth of dose. 

 

So I went up to 65 over a three month period and it did help with some symptoms but made others much worse.  So I started dropping down last June and went back off six weeks ago.  I kept dropping because I was doing better going down. Not great.  But I was holding or improving with every drop.  I should have quit while I was ahead and stopped at 6 mg.  I was good enough to drive and go out and go through the motions.  I had a little more laughter and peace in evenings.  It was still awful but I didn't realize how much better I was until now.....

 

Going off again did not bring back all my symptoms.  Physically I am much better still and surprisingly I find I can sleep without melatonin now after going off.   Six broken hours.  None of the physical symptoms are unbearable.  I would even say I only got clearer.  But the mental torment and depression is unrelenting and it pushed s.i. to a 11 out of 10.  This with the realization I'm only off six weeks and I probably would have made real progress had I not gone back off on drug.  Although, it was the only way I could avoid taking other drugs. 

 

I credit cold showers and walking everyday and keto with how I've made improvements despite my desperate actions.  I have to take cold showers to control the emotional stuff.  It takes the edge off enough to get through a few hours.  Buts it's no where near enough.  

 

Yesterday I sobbed,screamed and cried all day. Rage and grief are my neuroemorions right now. This last one went on 11 Hours...  I was numb in beginning but going of zoloft has unleashed every negative emotion  and this is all I feel.  The depression is physically painful.  Yesterday right up there with my worst early days.  I can't believe only a month ago I spent the day at a state fair. And drove myself.

 

I feel like I'm being tortured.  And have for majority of 10 months.  

 

There is no help for withdrawal.  It is going through it.  I see that now.  I might not have made it this far had I realized that early on.  My desperate actions gave me hope.  Now I don't have any.  I would love to be Zen and accept but I don't know how to do that on command.  Believe me, I know just stabilizing is the goal. Logically I understand.  Not doing feels like accepting there is no hope.  I know this isn't true.  I don't know how to believe or accept on command.   I try.  I have spent days flipping every thought in my head to something positive.  Gone out and only allowed one positive affirmation the entire time.  Prayed and prayed. 

 

I have called suicide hotlines, crisis lines, joined support groups.  My biggest fear is the only way out is giving up and the intensity feels like I am better off cutting my losses.  It is truly a miracle I survive each day  I can not believe im still here.  I don't know, maybe a tiny dose of zoloft to take the edge of but it's been six week working on 7.  It might just make me throw up.  And I obviously don't do well on the drug

 

I wanted this on record as a warning.  If you are a stubborn person in denial about withdrawal (and it's a stage of grief), I get it.  It's human and understandable.  But please listen to the mods, they know withdrawal and they know more than 98% of doctors.  So listen

  Even though it's a brutal message...no one wants to hear they are stuck in a very painful situation with no help out.  Don't be like me

 

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl No judgment here. I too did it my way at the beginning and paid a heavy price too.  I feel your pain and intolerable suffering. 

 

If you are thinking about trying a crumb of Zoloft then please tag all the mods that you have gotten advice from in the past.  Since this is a volunteer site and they are extremely busy you may have to keep tagging them, but keep trying. 

 

All that matters now is that you get the attention and guidance you need. No judgement towards you, only COMPASSION.  A good many of us of this site, including me, have done something very similar.  I will say it over and over so you hear it. You receive from us ONLY COMPASSION, ONLY COMPASSION, ONLY COMPASSION. Total empathy.

[wantrelief]

@Roserdl

 

I am really sorry you are suffering such intense symptoms. Along the lines of what RachelSusan wrote, I was also wondering if you might consider a low dose reinstatement. Perhaps a tiny bit would help at least a little. I hope you get some relief soon.  Please hang in there, Rose.

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl I went to your first page and noticed that you had two people helping you. You can try tagging them. I also went to the homepage of this site and found a leaderboard which had a list of all the mentors. At the bottom of this page is the link. After you have tagged your two I would give it a little time. If you don't hear back then maybe try one or two others? I am trying to avoid a shotgun approach where you try everyone at once. It could lead to some confusion.

 

Reinstatement could possibly be a help to you but I am not in the position to give advice. I also worry about you doing so at too high of a dose. The mods can help you with this.

 

When I am in a situation, such as the one you are in, I try to do one tiny thing that I know might be good for me, no matter how small.  Sometimes for me it might be just to walk out the front door, look at the scenery and walk back in again. Is there anything you could possibly do for yourself today? One tiny baby step of a thing?

 

You mentioned at one point taking a shower. That is interesting because that was what I did.  But I needed warm water. There was one day where I would take a shower in bathroom #1, get out and then go take a shower in bathroom #2, and back and forth I went.  I hated to use up the water but it helped. Can you do more showers today? That counts as a baby thing to help yourself.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topmembers/

Edited October 30, 2022 by RachelSusan
spelling errors

[Roserdl]

50 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl I went to your first page and noticed that you had two people helping you. You can try tagging them. I also went to the homepage of this site and found a leaderboard which had a list of all the mentors. At the bottom of this page is the link. After you have tagged your two I would give it a little time. If you don't hear back then maybe try one or two others? I am trying to avoid a shotgun approach where you try everyone at once. It could lead to some confusion.

 

Reinstatement could possibly be a help to you but I am not in the position to give advice. I also worry about you doing so at too high of a dose. The mods can help you with this.

 

When I am in a situation, such as the one you are in, I try to do one tiny thing that I know might be good for me, no matter how small.  Sometimes for me it might be just to walk out the front door, look at the scenery and walk back in again. Is there anything you could possibly do for yourself today? One tiny baby step of a thing?

 

You mentioned at one point taking a shower. That is interesting because that was what I did.  But I needed warm water. There was one day where I would take a shower in bathroom #1, get out and then go take a shower in bathroom #2, and back and forth I went.  I hated to use up the water but it helped. Can you do more showers today? That counts as a baby thing to help yourself.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topmembers/

 

Ty. I am writing more and editing.  Hold on

[Roserdl]

Ty @RachelSusanand @wantrelief

 

I am pretty sure the moderators will tell me that I have kindled on Zoloft (I have because how on earth else does one explain making progress while making large leaps off the drug).  It was too much.  They told me to reinstate 3 mg when I first came here,and they recommended not doing it at all.  They told me I had kindled.  I think not reinstating would have been the way to go, but that wasn't going to happen because I was so atrocious and being forced into hospitalizations, Zoloft was my only card to keep from being poly drugged.  I had to do something, no one in my family would have supported me at the time.  It is only in the past few months they get it.  I think they started believing because I was doing better going OFF the drug.  My partner use to scream at me "TAKE YOUR MEDICINE".  He's a good guy, don't get me wrong.  But, he didn't get it.

 

I went through a period like this in June which was my worst month, July wasn't much better,  August light improvement, September much higher baseline (still sucked).  But there was a pattern to my days and time was going by much faster because I could 'fake it until you make it'. 

 

There are two factors going on with the depression.  One is the drug but the other is just feeling like this is an exercise in futility and feeling like there is no way to out endure.  Not having any positive emotions makes this experience suck on the best of days, but I was starting to see a bit of improvement with the drops on that front.  Kind of a warm sensation with smiles and ability to watch stupid shows like Bob's Burger and kind of laugh. 

 

I use Baylissa Fredrick as a coach - she's been an angel and she has been encouraging.  Its interesting talking to her because she has a MUCH wider sample of outcomes then S.A.    She's seen it all.  People who do my b.s. and then just stay off and they heal within a year.  People who do proper tapers who go years and everything in between.  It's about homeostasis at this point.  Her opinion is to stay off if I can. 

 

My hunch is that if I can ride this out, I will start to get back to my baseline relatively quick (only in withdrawal would a few months of this be considered quick).  I think this because I am already starting to re-stabilize from where I was when this started five weeks ago.  I was having constant facial skin crawls, my brain felt like someone poured battery acid in it,  and I was getting horrible cortisol spikes upon awakening with mass anxiety and heart palpitations.  Much of this has calmed down already.   I also did not have the majority of my symptoms worsen.  It was the depression and neuroemotions that became unbearable.  But, I don't know how I make it through a day at this point, but given that reinstating the drug would require time to restabilize too (and may not work, putting me in a situation where I would then have to taper).  At least here, my body has a set place to work around.  Going back on a drug I have kindled on several times seems like a set up. 

 

The one advantage I have here is that there is no drug so my body has a set point to work around.  Homeostasis is the key. 

 

All this feels so hypothetical because I am surviving hour by hour and at times minute to minute or second by second

 

Rachel, I am doing self care.  I have taken two cold showers today, they take the edge off the worst of the depression (they are also supposed to significantly aid nervous system healing and I believe it is true because by rights I should be worse than I am.  I am no longer depersonalized derealized and have no brain fog and my brain no longer feels like there is a piece of it missing and the cotton feeling is all gone.    

 

I also walked two loops in the woods and laid naked in the grass in the sun for an hour for grounding.  My guess is I have two or three more showers to go today.  I am so SICK of them. 

 

My guess is if I get forced into going back on drugs, I would need to try Prozac or something that hasn't kindled or pooped out.  But, I don't even think that is an option as when I took a dose of a couple meds in hospital, I got immediately sick so I don't think I have tolerance to any of these drugs.  I am trying to speed it up with MCT oil and keto which increases brain energy and nerve healing. 

 

The ideation is the probably the biggest current challenge, right up there and tied with the amount of pain.  It is constant and it has the personality of a highly persuasive Supreme Court lawyer.  I really don't want to do this anymore.  I don't have a zen acceptance attitude and the part of me is resisting is like a stubborn three year old.  You try to reason with her because she won't listen to me!

 

Thank you for caring.  I am not feelling too optimistic about my prospects right now.  I am trying not to allow myself to think about anything because literally EVERYTHING has an association which triggers profound grief, anger, or despair.  I seem to melt down every other day.  I think I just don't have the energy for everyday. 

 

I miss Halloween celebrations and my life.  From this place, I don't see another side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Thoughts on why so few people understand or believe in withdrawal.....

 

Just thought I would write a couple thoughts on this topic.  Why do so many people not understand this issue....apart from the big pharmaceutical brain washing campaign that normalizes SUICIDAL ideation as an acceptable side effect for drugs to treat depression

 

I never got that....Why would they want to list all there horrible drug effects in a commercial - who would want to take it -

But, while that list of horrible, debilitating, and often life threatening side effects is being recited on the t.v., there are always such HAPPY people living a great life with family and friend - there is romance, adventure, accomplishment playing on screen.....

 

But, more than that, it NORMALIZES potential severe harm.  Its a risk you have to take to get healthy.  Its sick and its deliberate and it works.

 

Right now, my mother has severe anemia.  She is on TWO medications (a statin and antipsychotic) and both have anemia as a listed side effect.  So, what did her doctor do?  She gave her another drug to stop gastric bleeding even though she has NO signs of gastric bleeding.  Also the Covid-19 vaccine has been documented to cause anemia....she's had three. 

 

And, the side of effect of the latest drug to treat bleeding there is no sign she has - ANEMIA.  So, she is now taking THREE drugs regularly that can cause severe anemia (and many other side effects).  None of which she actually needs.  She was put on abilify as a 'precaution' because she has had severe depression in the past.  Wait, she is also on Zoloft which can cause all types of bleeding disorders so make that four.  None of this is acknowledged.  She is scheduled for complex gastrointestinal scopes next.  Even though she has ZERO signs of bleeding....

 

The doctor can't figure out the cause, so she is going to go on a mass fishing expedition.

Forget the FIVE medications she has taken (some for years) which cause this condition.  Never mind that.  She must have some sort of undetected bleeding. 

 

Why?  She trusts the doctors.  She thinks doctors know something (they do, what they have been taught in institutions long usurped by big pharm and political money)....the doctors know what they are taught.  And, the people who train in these institutions are selected for their adherence to the dictates of the medial industry.  It is pretty much ilegal to practice medicine outside the confines of these restrictions, as the medical licensing boards have rules that pretty much keep physicians locked into a limited range of treatments.

 

Worse, she never wanted to take the statin at all.  She just couldn't stand up to an authority figure.  She was intimidated.  Even my dad, (who is probably one of the most informed people on the planet when it comes to the corruption of the medical industry and FAR ahead of his time on the fallacies sold by big agriculture and the FDA on healthy diet and eating( had a very hard time saying no to a doctor who wanted to suddenly change a heart medication he has been on for 25 years and takes YEARS to clear the system.  This doctor just wanted to rip him off and replace.  It could easily kill him.  My dad KNOWS this, so he didn't do it.  But, he found it VERY hard to say no even though it could have killed him.  He hasn't spoken up about side effects of meds in the past because he is intimidated by challenging doctors.   For many years, he thought his primary illness was causing symptoms when it was the drugs and he suffered for years...

 

So yeah....many people do not get what the medical industrial complex is really about..  Profit and control.

 

And, many people who get the first part still do no understand the second....I am not getting further into that here as it isn't th place.  But, its an elephant in the room standing on our collective chest and those engaging in activism on ANY current issue (medical or otherwise) will be spinning their wheels into delving into the second. 

 

So, there's that

 

But, really, the reason so many of us are here is that it is simply unfathomable what antidepressant and benzodiazapine withdrawals can do to a person.  I didn't know it (and I know a lot about a lot of subjects, I was blind in this area).  I knew there could be withdrawal, but I thought it could last a few months TOPS and I also thought it was just getting really depressed again.  I didn't understand the brain remodeling, I thought it was just removing the 'toxins' of the drug.  I had gone on and off in the past without problems. 

 

This experience is unlike anything anyone has ever experienced even with depression or other mental health challenges. 

 

I am writing  right now because I need something to distract myself.  If I stop writing and distracting the despair of losing every normal aspect of my life from sleep to eating to human connection to the ability to engage in the most basic aspects of life washes over me and I do not want to go on.  Withdrawal can take EVERY aspect of self away and I say this as a lucky one who doesn't have unbearable physical symptoms on top of the psychological ones - and someone who gets a few hours of sleep a night and not depersonalized/derealized. 

I miss my family beyond words.  If I do not distract, I am consumed with grief and the extreme desire to reach out and try to connect but knowing that I can not.  I will only feel the intensity of the missing and the loss more acutely.  Sometimes I can't even look at these people I feel such love for (only in the place of loss and grief though), I literally have the most wonderful man a woman could hope for....handsome, kind, loving, adores me...and I can't feel anything for him but loss.  He is heartbroken.  I have to see that heartbreak everyday.

 

The torture of being so close to everything I love and have it so far away is the hardest of all.  More than the depression, more than the anxiety and constant fear and having to breathe through each moment....I am fighting so hard to get back but the more I swim, the further I seem to get from shore. My heart is shattered.

 

And, as much as I can't feel anything of light, happiness, joy.  I feel ALL of the most negative emotions acutely.  Anger, jealously, rage, fear, resentment, shame....oh, those are easy. 

I'm going to stop now.  This is probably bumming people out and it isn't helping. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Signing out of site again.  I never do well when I spend time on the boards.  I am in a really low spot and probably not the best representation of my overall recovery.  I would be curious what are the real outcomes of most withdrawals.  My suspicion is most are pinned on 'underlying' condition and most people medicate or get caught up in treatment.   I am still here trying.  Tonight is slightly better.  I managed to take a long walk and lie in sun and contact a prayer line.  Kept on my keto.  So I'm trying and going through the motions even though I feel like I have given up.  But, I guess if that was really true I wouldn't keep trying so hard everyday.  Peace everyone

[Hanna72]

Hallo @Roserdl

Wow how excited I am for you to be handling all these challenges at once 💪

You have to give yourself much credit cause it is well deserved.

 

What ever you are comfortable with, being on or off this forum is all up to you. Don’t think of others, but focus what is in your best interest .

“Stop stressing 

Take a deep breath 

Know everything will be ok 

You will succeed “

 

[Finnishgirl]

Hi @Roserdl just wanted to say hi. I read through most of your thread and see you have been through a lot. As have I. Please believe that you will heal in time. Best thing to do is just to wait and go through. I have also been there, trying to find a fix and just continually making my situation worse. You are now off the drug and the situation is stable and your brain will slowly find a way to repair the damage. I am certain you will heal and become happy again ❤️

[redkite]

Hi, I think you have probably taken yourself off here however I just want to say the way you have just written down the most difficult emotions of WD is fur nominal. I have not read all your thread yet, I will after this but want you to know you are obviously a fantastic person who has done 10 rounds with mick Tyson, and your still standing, you must have sheer grit running threw your veins. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I suspect you are special, clever, insitfull,you wright so well about control and big pharma its so interesting, keep doing it. This is the first time I have been on A board, i am a lot more old school than most and so its great to hear someone talk the truth. Keep writing about this stuff it helps me. Thinking of you and lighting a candle for you Redkite